Humor...I Need Humor...

[BigV]

Hey lookout123:

...So there's this couple on vacation, they're traveling overseas. They are kind of adventurous and one thing they like to do is try different restaurants. There's this one little cafe they go into, looks interesting, small, very clean, and boy, are they hungry. The hostess seats them at a little table for two, and a handsome, white-gloved waiter comes over to bring them some bread and take their order.

The little bread plates are on the table, and the waiter holds a large basket of fresh, delicious bread, and uses these sparkling silver tongs to artistically arrange the bread on the plate, takes their order and glides off to the kitchen.

A little while later, the waiter comes by and offers to refill their water glasses, but apparently the local custom for water doesn't include ice. When they mention this the waiter disappears momentarily and returns with a silver bucket and uses his tongs to add ice to each glass. So refreshing, such service!

The finger food appetizers arrive and once again the plates are served beautifully, with each item carefully placed in relation to the other with the tongs. They are as tasty as they are beautiful.

The main course comes and again with the presentation at the table of the assembly of the dish, with each item delicately arranged, just so. It was hard to decide if the dish was more wonderful to look at or eat! Delectable! And never once did the server's hands come in contact with the food.

This suits the couple, in fact, the husband actually makes a comment about the sanitary conditions. The waiter smiles in acknowledgement, and says that, yes, there are strict rules in the restaurant about never using your hands to touch *anything*. The wife titters, and her gaze reflexively moves to the waiter's crotch, where she notices there's a little string hanging from the waiter's fly. She mentions this to the waiter and he proudly explains that, in keeping with the policy, the string is tied on and in that way he never has to touch himself when he goes to the bathroom, and his hands stay clean.

This naturally begs the question, which she asks, as to how things get put back together. The waiter looks to the left and to the right, and with a couple of sharp claps with the tongs says, "I don't know about the other fellows, but I use these."

[Elspode]

The Commandments of Coyote.

I. Thou Shalt Have As Many Gods and Spirits and Personal Trainers
and Gurus As You Like Before Me, But You Shalt Not Let Them Block the
Exits, and More, You Shall Not Permit Them To Take the Last Beer,
For That Beer Is Mine. Seriously. Don't.

II. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Wife, But Thou Art Totally
Welcome To Admire Her Ass When She Walks By, and If It Happens To
Come Out That They Are In An Open Relationship, Dude, Tap That Ass
As Much As They Are Willing To Allow. Same Goes For the Ladies.
Coveting Is Sort Of Stupid, But Sex Is Just Plain Fun, Unless Thou
Art Doing
It Entirely Wrong.

III. If Thy Neighbor Says 'Hands Off My Wife, Dude', Thou Shalt
Listen and Back Off, Because Otherwise, Thy Neighbor Will Be
Totally Justified In Hitting You About the Head and Shoulders With
Gardening Tools, and Don't Think That I'm Going To Step In There and
Stop
Him.

IV. Adultery Is Actually Pretty Fun. Commit It All You Like. Just
Make Sure Everyone Is Cool With It, Or I Will Not Help You Out Once
the Hitting Gets Started.

V. Thou Shalt Not Eat Poisoned Bait. If You Do, Don't Come Whining
To Me About It, Because I Am Very Unlikely To Care. Once It Is In Your
Mouth, It Is Your Problem, Not Mine.

VI. Of Course Thou Shalt Kill. Carnivores Do That. Also, Swatting
Mosquitoes, Sort Of Instinctive. But All Creatures Are Alive Before
You Kill Them, and So Thou Shalt Respect Them In Their Lives and In
Their Deaths. Thou Shalt Not Kill Without Reason. Thy Neighbor
Tapping Thy Wife's Ass? Is Not A Reason. Don't Make Me Set A Plague
Upon Thy Ass. Thou Wouldst Not Enjoy It, I Promise.

VII. Thou Shalt Not Hoard. Seriously, Here. If You Have Enough,
Share. Only Asshats Bogart Life.

VIII. Thou Shalt Not Be A Martyr. If You Have One Beer, Drink It.
Do Not Give It To Me and Then Expect Adoration. Dude, That Was Your
Beer, I Did Not Break Your Arm To Get It. Give What You Can Give,
and Expect Neither Praise Nor Worship. You Are Not Being Morally
Superior, You Are Being A Decent Human Being. There Is A
Difference.

VIV. Assume This Is It. Maybe There Is Reincarnation; Maybe Not.
Not Only Am I Not Saying, Please Consider the Fact That I Probably
Get
A Say In Whether You Come Back, and If You Are the Sort Of Person Who
Doesn't Do Anything With One Life, Why Should I Waste My Time
Giving You Another One? Live Like You Get No Second Chances. You Will
Have
More Fun.

X. Are You Going To Eat That?