please recommend a self help book, therapy, drug... - Page 6

justme · 01-21-2005, 08:43 AM

stacey,
In my opinion, you try to find definitions for your problem instead to find the problem itself.

Look what you wrote about the crying in your first post:

" I feel like there's something wrong with me. I have zero ability to handle stress. Little things that don't matter at all upset me so much. My boss said something to me today about the order I did my side work in.....long story, but to summarize, I did all of my work, she just wasn't paying attention. Then I was carrying a huge box of napkins and paper towels up from the basement and the bottom of the box broke and everything went flying down the stairs..what a pain. Then, I'm working with this chick who has a man's voice and a macho overly assertive attitude and I was trying to vent a little by telling her about all of this crap, and she looks at me and goes "Deal with it! Why are you telling me all of this?"blahblahblah....So I told her she's rude and I won't try venting to her again, but I was so upset after I walked away that I started crying in the busroom and I was all shaky.
I don't think that was a good reason to cry, I feel like I'm too sensitive, like I should have a thicker skin, like something is wrong with me. I don't have PMS, everything at home is fine, I just get so upset about stupid little things...This is just one example.

Last year one of the cooks gave me a hard time, I was really busy, Had a little hangover...I got so stressed out that I started crying and I couldn't stop and my boss had to wait on my tables.

When I was new there I heard a girl say "I thought I sucked when I was new!" (accent the second I), once again, I'm crying...

It happened before with another girl who wqas rude to me when I was new, and last summer I found myself crying at work twice in one week because I was stressed out..."

Where did it happen? At work. That's why I suggest your work is one of the stress factors you have.

The other factor can be from your childhood:

"maybe I'm just introverted or really sensitive, or I have issues simply because my mother treated me as an unwanted pain in the ass or maybe I have brain damage from when I fell down a flight of wood stairs and got a concussion at age 5.. maybe there's no name for it."

That can be a reason you have beeen looking for love with piece of shit

men.
stacey, it's over! You're happy now. You did it. You're stronger than you think. Start be an owner of your life, stay above those factors.

Don't waste your time for definitions of your stress or your problems. Think what you're really want to do with your life.

By the way, reading the books about diseases gives the feeling you have all of those. :p

The all that I got so far you’re gifted, creative, smart, sensitive, good heart person, very pretty (yes, a saw your pictures), and...

stressed.

Beestie · 01-21-2005, 10:18 AM

I have decided that you (Stacey) would make a very good research scientist. Even if I am wrong about that one thing is for sure: you are way underachiving relative to your abilities. I say that not as a criticism but as an observation.

Escaping the groove you are in requires little more than patience, hard work and a little vision. And Arsen's support.

staceyv · 01-21-2005, 10:39 AM

Beestie, SO true...I LOVE to research! I've thought about doing a line of work where I can research, but I seem to only be good at it if I'm interested in the subject, so I'm kind of limited. And yes, I am an underachiever. I know I shouldn't be waitressing, I know I'm better than that, and that gives me a mild form of chronic stress in itself. In that aspect, I totally agree with Justme...
I just don't know what the hell to do with myself! The only things I am passionate about are playing the drums and guitar, writing about stuff I like, reading, researching, foreign languages and nutrition/medical stuff. But, I don't like to work with people, I like to work alone. My husband's always telling me I should find something that I'm passionate about and work on it, and he's right, but I jump from one stupid subject to another.
One month I wanted to show and breed chihuahuas. Then I decided I wanted to be a bookkeeper. Then I decided I'm underqualified/ have no training and that I want to be in a band again..Then I'll think that maybe I should just have kids and call myself a housewife. THEN, I'm like, no, that's not a good idea because I should get myself together before I think about kids, that's not fair to them...I'm all over the place.
I would like to go to school- but for what?
I sometimes feel like I'm destined for a life of underachievement like my mother. I don't want to deal with the stress of bettering myself, maybe. UGH, right now I can't even stand listening to my own thoughts as I type this...

"By the way, reading the books about diseases gives the feeling you have all of those." so true...and sometimes I read books that make me feel like I can do anything, the world is a friendly, happy place, and I should follow my dreams...And then real life hits me like a brick and I start to feel so bitter, because I realize it's not as easy as those stupid books make it out to be, and no, it's not possible for me to work, go to school, study and have a happy relationship, while simultaneously working out, eating healthy and forming meaningful friendships . It just doesn't work that way. I guess any of these books can screw you up, even the "positive" ones.
I haven't read any medical or self-help optimism books in the last 4 years, though, and that hasn't helped either...

Trilby · 01-21-2005, 11:15 AM

[quote=staceyv]
I don't want to deal with the stress of bettering myself, maybe. [quote=staceyv

"...and sometimes I read books that make me feel like I can do anything, the world is a friendly, happy place, and I should follow my dreams...And then real life hits me like a brick and I start to feel so bitter, because I realize it's not as easy as those stupid books make it out to be, [/QUOTE]

I think we all fall into that trap, StaceyV, sooner or later. We all think our lives *should* be this one particular way and anything less than that is failure. I feel that way about myself. Because my home, my friends, my job aren't perfect, I feel like a failure. I feel anxious to improve everything but overwhelmed when I even think about trying to change anything. I think you are articulating your dilemma quite well and I hope you find some real answers.

Undertoad · 01-21-2005, 11:37 AM

On target Bri. Stace, you've expressed that sort of need for control before: during the Arsen other-woman-not-really episode, control was one of your bugaboos; lack of it, need to enforce it, etc. At work, control is routinely enforced over you by your bosses, your situation, etc. Is this a big issue for you.

staceyv · 01-21-2005, 11:56 AM

hmmm, I never thought of that. I don't know. Am I a control freak??!
Maybe I am a little. I mean, I don't care what other people do, because I have no control over them and I know it, but with myself, yeah, I need to feel like I'm in control. And maybe with my husband? I was like that a lot with my rottweiler. I was very persistent in training her to follow every command, but I always gave her treats for it. With my chihuahua, I tried to train him, but I only got so far, he seems to have ADD or something, so I gave up and decided to love him like he is. Sometimes I call him my little retard and give him kisses...
When my husband said he wanted to lose weight, I started making all low fat and low sugar food for him, then I would try to prevent him from eating candy and junk food, and I'd get mad when he did. But, I realized I have no control over that, either, so I stopped caring and told him to eat whatever the hell he wants and when he wants to help himself, he can. I also need to be in charge of the household finances, because I feel for some reason that my husband wouldn't pay everything on time. So yeah, I do have some tendencies to want to control things, but I also give up when I see it's useless.

Trilby · 01-21-2005, 12:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by staceyv

With my chihuahua, I tried to train him, but I only got so far, he seems to have ADD or something, so I gave up and decided to love him like he is.

Loving someone as they are is the ultimate. Loving YOURSELF as you are NOW is pretty ultimate, too.

Just don't go around calling yourself a "little retard"

like you do the chihuahua and you'll be ok!

justme · 01-21-2005, 12:28 PM

"I know I shouldn't be waitressing, I know I'm better than that, and that gives me a mild form of chronic stress in itself. "

Stacey, you have at least one answer for now. Step by step.
You don't like your job.
can you put in order what you'd like to do? Make a list : #1, #2, etc.

staceyv · 01-21-2005, 06:06 PM

My husband and I have alraedy made a plan for that. We expect to be out of debt in a year or less, at which time he says I can quit my job and do whatever I want. The only thing I'm sure I will do is go to the gym everyday. I would also like to take drum lessons (I haven't practiced in over a year) and get back into a band...
I am afraid, though, that if I don't make a plan I will end up isolated from the world, sitting in the house all day, every day... But that is all I can come up with for now.
So even though I see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's just dealing with it day by day that's getting to me. And I still feel a lot of pressure to figure out what I would like to do with my life, because even though he's giving me the perfect opportunity to pursue it, I don't have a clue what "it" is!

Beestie · 01-21-2005, 07:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by staceyv

And I still feel a lot of pressure to figure out what I would like to do with my life, because even though he's giving me the perfect opportunity to pursue it, I don't have a clue what "it" is!

In your particular case, at this particular moment, "it" means learning to be at peace with yourself. Took me a looooooooooooong time to figure that out.

Suspend personal expectations and self-examination for a spell - stop judging yourself for six weeks.

Schrodinger's Cat · 01-22-2005, 01:51 AM

Stacey, I suspect you grew up in an environment where you weren't allowed to be a "self." Possibly, you had an overly critical or demanding parent who was difficult to please. As an adult, you do not feel "authentic." When you recieve praise, you dismiss it, thinking to yourself, "They don't know what I'm REALLY like." When someone critisizes you, you unconsciously revert to a child in front of a scolding parent. You accept low paying jobs and unsatisfactory relationships because on some level you think that's all you deserve. You need to work to consciously counter these early negative messages that you have unconsciously assimilated into your thinking about yourself and your situation.

404Error · 01-22-2005, 05:29 AM

You still wake up sometimes, don't you? Wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the lambs.

staceyv · 01-22-2005, 06:35 AM

Quote:

Stacey, I suspect you grew up in an environment where you weren't allowed to be a "self." Possibly, you had an overly critical or demanding parent who was difficult to please.

That's true. No matter what I did, my mother was never happy. I got good grades in school and spent most of my time reading books when I was young. I know my mother has some kind of mental illness, whether it's depression or something else, I don't know, but she is the most miserable person I know. She used to complain constantly, like it was her job. Nothing made her happy, life sucked, she hated women, she didn't want the neighbors bothering her, she didn't want ME bothering her...I KNOW she didn't wan't me and she always told me I was a pain in the ass ( she got knocked up at the drive- in movie at age 17). She never wanted to be bothered with me. getting me ready for school was the ultimate torture for her. I was only 6 years old and I knew that I should pretend to be sleeping so at least it wouldn't be directed on me...But I had my grandmother and my aunt who took me on weekends and sometimes after school, they were very good to me. At one point, my grandmother was going to try getting full custody of me because my mother neglected me and didn't lead a healthy lifestyle (partying, dating a lot of different men...) but for some reason, that didn't fall through...I do realize now, though, that it's not my fault that my mother is unhappy, and I feel bad for my little sister who is 9 years younger than me, because she is suffering from anxiety problems just like I did at her age. She gets heart palpitations and she has a hard time holding down a job...I'm not sure if it's a genetic thing or a result of being raised in a negative environment, but I really feel for her.
Ofcourse, there were some benefits, like I am great at working independently and I like to find answers for myself, probably because I was afraid to ask for help when I was little!

staceyv · 01-22-2005, 06:44 AM

Here's a picture of my grandmother and I on New Year's Eve. I hate this picture of me, but she looks beautiful. She IS beautiful. If it wasn't for her, I'd be WAAAAY more screwed up. She is the most important person in my life. She's caring, loving, kind AND she likes to go out and sing karaoke with us- I got lucky being born into her family

justme · 01-22-2005, 10:53 AM

woooow, you're beautiful. Now I 100% believe Arsen loves you

Stacey, it's good that you understand your problem with lack of mother's love. It's true that kids who didn't have parents love try to please everyone around just to feel they are not bad.
My parents loved me, I believe. However, they always told me that everything I'm doing or I'm interested in is wrong and bullshit. My mom used to love to tell her friends about me by negative way.

I was so surprised to realize that negativity still gives me a lack of self confidence. I thought I solved that problem. I was aggressive, confident, I knew what to do with my life. As result, I was successful business executive. And... I got surprise.

Since I came here in totally new environment, I've lost my confidence for all these years. Even I know it's wrong, something inside of my mind telling me I'm piece of shit like my parents used to tell me. I understand they wished the best for me in the way they knew "the best".

I suggest I lost my job only because I was too good

It's funny, but all that time I was trying to be perfect just to prove I'm goooood. As result, I was too good. I tried to help my boss (but have been asked for help!) just to prove I' good. I always was so nice, so friendly, so efficient, so helpful. Well, I was above. The result is negative, people feels very uncomfortable if somebody is better than they.
That's why, Stacey, try to find your level of co-workers you're dealing with.
Maybe, it's easy to make you crying at work because you stress yourself trying to prove you're good. You're always in alert to be goad every moment. Relax

Looking back to your childhood, just say your mom thanks she gave you birth, pretty look and good brain

. And now move forward to yourself.
Don't you know where you are? Start looking for you.

I started again. I come back to my art and going to bring that to expensive gallery level. I'm set up my studio again, buying and making tools etc. Also, I 'm looking for another job will match with my educational level and my background. Also, I need to improve English because my English doesn't match with my educational level and my skills at all.
This is a plan. When you have a plan, you don't have time to look for definitions of problem, but you're ready to solve them.

01-21-2005, 08:43 AM	#76
justme Belt Conveyor Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: USA Posts: 66	stacey, In my opinion, you try to find definitions for your problem instead to find the problem itself. Look what you wrote about the crying in your first post: " I feel like there's something wrong with me. I have zero ability to handle stress. Little things that don't matter at all upset me so much. My boss said something to me today about the order I did my side work in.....long story, but to summarize, I did all of my work, she just wasn't paying attention. Then I was carrying a huge box of napkins and paper towels up from the basement and the bottom of the box broke and everything went flying down the stairs..what a pain. Then, I'm working with this chick who has a man's voice and a macho overly assertive attitude and I was trying to vent a little by telling her about all of this crap, and she looks at me and goes "Deal with it! Why are you telling me all of this?"blahblahblah....So I told her she's rude and I won't try venting to her again, but I was so upset after I walked away that I started crying in the busroom and I was all shaky. I don't think that was a good reason to cry, I feel like I'm too sensitive, like I should have a thicker skin, like something is wrong with me. I don't have PMS, everything at home is fine, I just get so upset about stupid little things...This is just one example. Last year one of the cooks gave me a hard time, I was really busy, Had a little hangover...I got so stressed out that I started crying and I couldn't stop and my boss had to wait on my tables. When I was new there I heard a girl say "I thought I sucked when I was new!" (accent the second I), once again, I'm crying... It happened before with another girl who wqas rude to me when I was new, and last summer I found myself crying at work twice in one week because I was stressed out..." Where did it happen? At work. That's why I suggest your work is one of the stress factors you have. The other factor can be from your childhood: "maybe I'm just introverted or really sensitive, or I have issues simply because my mother treated me as an unwanted pain in the ass or maybe I have brain damage from when I fell down a flight of wood stairs and got a concussion at age 5.. maybe there's no name for it." That can be a reason you have beeen looking for love with piece of shit men. stacey, it's over! You're happy now. You did it. You're stronger than you think. Start be an owner of your life, stay above those factors. Don't waste your time for definitions of your stress or your problems. Think what you're really want to do with your life. By the way, reading the books about diseases gives the feeling you have all of those. :p The all that I got so far you’re gifted, creative, smart, sensitive, good heart person, very pretty (yes, a saw your pictures), and... stressed. Last edited by justme; 01-21-2005 at 08:51 AM.

01-21-2005, 10:18 AM	#77
Beestie -◊\|≡·∙■·∙≡\|◊- Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Parts unknown. Posts: 4,081	I have decided that you (Stacey) would make a very good research scientist. Even if I am wrong about that one thing is for sure: you are way underachiving relative to your abilities. I say that not as a criticism but as an observation. Escaping the groove you are in requires little more than patience, hard work and a little vision. And Arsen's support. __________________ ♠ ♥ ♣ ♦

01-21-2005, 10:39 AM	#78
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	Beestie, SO true...I LOVE to research! I've thought about doing a line of work where I can research, but I seem to only be good at it if I'm interested in the subject, so I'm kind of limited. And yes, I am an underachiever. I know I shouldn't be waitressing, I know I'm better than that, and that gives me a mild form of chronic stress in itself. In that aspect, I totally agree with Justme... I just don't know what the hell to do with myself! The only things I am passionate about are playing the drums and guitar, writing about stuff I like, reading, researching, foreign languages and nutrition/medical stuff. But, I don't like to work with people, I like to work alone. My husband's always telling me I should find something that I'm passionate about and work on it, and he's right, but I jump from one stupid subject to another. One month I wanted to show and breed chihuahuas. Then I decided I wanted to be a bookkeeper. Then I decided I'm underqualified/ have no training and that I want to be in a band again..Then I'll think that maybe I should just have kids and call myself a housewife. THEN, I'm like, no, that's not a good idea because I should get myself together before I think about kids, that's not fair to them...I'm all over the place. I would like to go to school- but for what? I sometimes feel like I'm destined for a life of underachievement like my mother. I don't want to deal with the stress of bettering myself, maybe. UGH, right now I can't even stand listening to my own thoughts as I type this... "By the way, reading the books about diseases gives the feeling you have all of those." so true...and sometimes I read books that make me feel like I can do anything, the world is a friendly, happy place, and I should follow my dreams...And then real life hits me like a brick and I start to feel so bitter, because I realize it's not as easy as those stupid books make it out to be, and no, it's not possible for me to work, go to school, study and have a happy relationship, while simultaneously working out, eating healthy and forming meaningful friendships . It just doesn't work that way. I guess any of these books can screw you up, even the "positive" ones. I haven't read any medical or self-help optimism books in the last 4 years, though, and that hasn't helped either... Last edited by staceyv; 01-21-2005 at 10:43 AM.

01-21-2005, 11:15 AM	#79
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	[quote=staceyv] I don't want to deal with the stress of bettering myself, maybe. [quote=staceyv "...and sometimes I read books that make me feel like I can do anything, the world is a friendly, happy place, and I should follow my dreams...And then real life hits me like a brick and I start to feel so bitter, because I realize it's not as easy as those stupid books make it out to be, [/QUOTE] I think we all fall into that trap, StaceyV, sooner or later. We all think our lives should be this one particular way and anything less than that is failure. I feel that way about myself. Because my home, my friends, my job aren't perfect, I feel like a failure. I feel anxious to improve everything but overwhelmed when I even think about trying to change anything. I think you are articulating your dilemma quite well and I hope you find some real answers. __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

01-22-2005, 01:51 AM	#86
Schrodinger's Cat Macavity Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: A Black Box Posts: 157	Stacey, I suspect you grew up in an environment where you weren't allowed to be a "self." Possibly, you had an overly critical or demanding parent who was difficult to please. As an adult, you do not feel "authentic." When you recieve praise, you dismiss it, thinking to yourself, "They don't know what I'm REALLY like." When someone critisizes you, you unconsciously revert to a child in front of a scolding parent. You accept low paying jobs and unsatisfactory relationships because on some level you think that's all you deserve. You need to work to consciously counter these early negative messages that you have unconsciously assimilated into your thinking about yourself and your situation. __________________ Macavity, Macavity, there's no on like Macavity, He's broken every human law, he breaks the law of gravity. - T.S. Eliot, Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats

01-21-2005, 11:37 AM	#80
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	On target Bri. Stace, you've expressed that sort of need for control before: during the Arsen other-woman-not-really episode, control was one of your bugaboos; lack of it, need to enforce it, etc. At work, control is routinely enforced over you by your bosses, your situation, etc. Is this a big issue for you.

01-21-2005, 11:56 AM	#81
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	hmmm, I never thought of that. I don't know. Am I a control freak??! Maybe I am a little. I mean, I don't care what other people do, because I have no control over them and I know it, but with myself, yeah, I need to feel like I'm in control. And maybe with my husband? I was like that a lot with my rottweiler. I was very persistent in training her to follow every command, but I always gave her treats for it. With my chihuahua, I tried to train him, but I only got so far, he seems to have ADD or something, so I gave up and decided to love him like he is. Sometimes I call him my little retard and give him kisses... When my husband said he wanted to lose weight, I started making all low fat and low sugar food for him, then I would try to prevent him from eating candy and junk food, and I'd get mad when he did. But, I realized I have no control over that, either, so I stopped caring and told him to eat whatever the hell he wants and when he wants to help himself, he can. I also need to be in charge of the household finances, because I feel for some reason that my husband wouldn't pay everything on time. So yeah, I do have some tendencies to want to control things, but I also give up when I see it's useless.

01-21-2005, 12:28 PM	#83
justme Belt Conveyor Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: USA Posts: 66	"I know I shouldn't be waitressing, I know I'm better than that, and that gives me a mild form of chronic stress in itself. " Stacey, you have at least one answer for now. Step by step. You don't like your job. can you put in order what you'd like to do? Make a list : #1, #2, etc.

01-21-2005, 06:06 PM	#84
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	My husband and I have alraedy made a plan for that. We expect to be out of debt in a year or less, at which time he says I can quit my job and do whatever I want. The only thing I'm sure I will do is go to the gym everyday. I would also like to take drum lessons (I haven't practiced in over a year) and get back into a band... I am afraid, though, that if I don't make a plan I will end up isolated from the world, sitting in the house all day, every day... But that is all I can come up with for now. So even though I see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's just dealing with it day by day that's getting to me. And I still feel a lot of pressure to figure out what I would like to do with my life, because even though he's giving me the perfect opportunity to pursue it, I don't have a clue what "it" is!

01-22-2005, 05:29 AM	#87
404Error Lecturer Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: CT USA Posts: 826	You still wake up sometimes, don't you? Wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the lambs. __________________ "To disarm the people is the most effectual way to enslave them." ~George Mason~

01-22-2005, 06:44 AM	#89
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	Here's a picture of my grandmother and I on New Year's Eve. I hate this picture of me, but she looks beautiful. She IS beautiful. If it wasn't for her, I'd be WAAAAY more screwed up. She is the most important person in my life. She's caring, loving, kind AND she likes to go out and sing karaoke with us- I got lucky being born into her family Attached Images

01-22-2005, 10:53 AM	#90
justme Belt Conveyor Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: USA Posts: 66	woooow, you're beautiful. Now I 100% believe Arsen loves you Stacey, it's good that you understand your problem with lack of mother's love. It's true that kids who didn't have parents love try to please everyone around just to feel they are not bad. My parents loved me, I believe. However, they always told me that everything I'm doing or I'm interested in is wrong and bullshit. My mom used to love to tell her friends about me by negative way. I was so surprised to realize that negativity still gives me a lack of self confidence. I thought I solved that problem. I was aggressive, confident, I knew what to do with my life. As result, I was successful business executive. And... I got surprise. Since I came here in totally new environment, I've lost my confidence for all these years. Even I know it's wrong, something inside of my mind telling me I'm piece of shit like my parents used to tell me. I understand they wished the best for me in the way they knew "the best". I suggest I lost my job only because I was too good It's funny, but all that time I was trying to be perfect just to prove I'm goooood. As result, I was too good. I tried to help my boss (but have been asked for help!) just to prove I' good. I always was so nice, so friendly, so efficient, so helpful. Well, I was above. The result is negative, people feels very uncomfortable if somebody is better than they. That's why, Stacey, try to find your level of co-workers you're dealing with. Maybe, it's easy to make you crying at work because you stress yourself trying to prove you're good. You're always in alert to be goad every moment. Relax Looking back to your childhood, just say your mom thanks she gave you birth, pretty look and good brain. And now move forward to yourself. Don't you know where you are? Start looking for you. I started again. I come back to my art and going to bring that to expensive gallery level. I'm set up my studio again, buying and making tools etc. Also, I 'm looking for another job will match with my educational level and my background. Also, I need to improve English because my English doesn't match with my educational level and my skills at all. This is a plan. When you have a plan, you don't have time to look for definitions of problem, but you're ready to solve them.

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