Dementia Sucks

[Glinda]

Originally Posted by captainhook455

So my wife is 10 yrs older than I. She had a bad stroke 16 yrs ago and even with no use of the left arm we have had a blissful life. Along with stroke comes a chance of dementia.

Might get it might not. I will probably get it with 2 strokes and my father had it. Shit seems to strike those with a better than average IQ.

My wife wants to check herself into a nursing home. I know something has to happen, because she is driving me fucking nuts.

Have you considered both of you moving to an assisted living place that has a dementia/Alzheimer's unit?

I've just been through a year and a half of dealing with my mother's dementia and father's mild Alzheimer's, and have learned SO much about the proper housing/facilities for folks that are in the position you are. If there's anything I can offer as far as advice or suggestions or just relating my own experience to give you some idea of what lies ahead, please PM me.

The reality is, nobody really knows what to do when confronted with dementia. Most of the time, it kind of creeps up on you and suddenly you're in a spot where changes need to happen, and often very quickly. You jump in order to do the best thing for your loved one, and sometimes you jump in the wrong direction, just because you HAVE to jump somewhere, right now.

That's how it happened with my mom. One day, she was 90 years old (with the occasional/very minor moments of dementia, and two very small stokes under her belt) - still driving and shopping and cooking and cleaning and caring for the house and yard and for my frail but mostly coherent father, and the next, she was utterly and completely gone.

I didn't make any really bad mistakes, but there are things I would have done differently. The bottom line is, I SO wish I'd had more information and been better prepared in knowing what to expect, costs, different types of facilities, health insurance, estate/trust/financial preparations, and so on.

For example, did either of you serve in the military? There may be financial assistance available through the VA. I learned a lot. I have information to share!

Again, if there is any way I might be able to help, please let me know.

[Griff]

Sorry Cap. This growing old shit ain't cool.

[glatt]

You're a good one Glinda.

Each journey is a different one.

My cousin, for whom I was POA and medical decision making dude, had dementia before he died. It was very hard getting him into the care he needed because he thought he was fine and wanted to stay home alone in his house. He was living in filth and would go days without eating. I had to trick him, and he pretty much hated me for it once he realized that I had no intention of getting him out and back into his house. Fortunately he had been declared incompetent by a neurologist and I could blame that neurologist for him being placed in a dementia ward of an assisted living facility.

Fortunately for him, he had money, and being in a position where he had money, he had purchased long term care insurance, which paid his assisted living bills for the year or two that he was in there. Long term care insurance was great for him, although I don't know how much he paid in premiums all those years and if he got back out what he had paid in. Probably not. That's how they make their money.

[Glinda]

Originally Posted by glatt

You're a good one Glinda.

Each journey is a different one.

My cousin, for whom I was POA and medical decision making dude, had dementia before he died. It was very hard getting him into the care he needed because he thought he was fine and wanted to stay home alone in his house. He was living in filth and would go days without eating. I had to trick him, and he pretty much hated me for it once he realized that I had no intention of getting him out and back into his house. Fortunately he had been declared incompetent by a neurologist and I could blame that neurologist for him being placed in a dementia ward of an assisted living facility.

Fortunately for him, he had money, and being in a position where he had money, he had purchased long term care insurance, which paid his assisted living bills for the year or two that he was in there. Long term care insurance was great for him, although I don't know how much he paid in premiums all those years and if he got back out what he had paid in. Probably not. That's how they make their money.

Sounds like you've already got some experience with this sort of thing under your belt. I commend you for what you've done for your family . . . it is SO hard.

My folks had a long term policy too, but after paying into it for a decade or so, the company went belly up and they were screwed.

When the crisis hit (a UTI that turned in to full-on dementia - mom was quite aggressive, combative, and exit-seeking). I initially tried to bring her home, hoping that the familiar setting would calm her down and maybe I could have home visits/help for my folks. No, she was out of control. Caught her trying to climb the back fence, she left notes in the mailbox for the mailman ("Help! I've been kidnapped!"), she threw bricks at me, filched knives from the kitchen and hid them in her bed, she never slept for more than an hour or two at a time . . . it was a nightmare.

After four days of this, I checked her into a full-on dementia facility. After a month, she settled down and regained some of her sanity, so I was able to put her and dad in an assisted living place with a dementia/Alzheimer's unit. My mother begged me and badgered me to take her back to their house, just so she could see it again . . . but I was too afraid to take her there, lest she flip out and jump out of the car, refuse to leave the house, or run away, hurt herself, whatever.

I'll never forget her saying to me, "You're killing me. I hate you."



Hang in there, man. If you or the captain or anyone else need someone to commiserate with, or you just need to vent a little, I'm here for you.

[glatt]

And disconnecting the battery of his car while someone took him to a doctor's appointment. Probably saved a few lives with that trick.

[Glinda]

Originally Posted by glatt

And disconnecting the battery of his car while someone took him to a doctor's appointment. Probably saved a few lives with that trick.

Heh. Clever!

[xoxoxoBruce]

I bought my fathers van and gave it to someone who needed it, because he couldn't remember he didn't have a licence anymore.