Divorce

[Aliantha]

Do you have to pay for the initial consultation? That doesn't sound good. You'd think since you're deciding whether or not to hire them that you'd be the one deciding if they're worth paying or not.

Effectively that's what you're doing right? Hiring them to do a job for you.

Who's ever been paid for an interview?

[Uisge Beatha]

You're on the money there, Aliantha; it is akin to an interview. I know when my wife and I were splitting up, I was able to see a couple of different lawyers for one free consultation. Maybe we have a more competitive market for lawyers around here, though.

[Aliantha]

You're probably right there UB. Our society is nowhere near as litigious as yours.

[Deuce]

I need something RIGHT NOW!

I don't know if I need advice, a kick in the head to go with the one to the balls, or what...

I love my wife.

She just called.

I was on the phone with the lawyer, who said "DO NOT ANSWER THE PHONE".

Shit.

I want to talk to her.

I want to reconcile with her. How can we get anything done if we can't talk?

And the longer I wait, what.... what if she wants to call it off? I guess I'll be pissing her off more, rejecting her, doing to her what I hated having done to me...

Seven times seventy. -- Charlie Brown.

Or. I dodged a bullet. I didn't get cornered into violating the restraining order. I didn't get maneuvered into saying something I'll regret. Or I missed the chance to talk to my son, who is with her. Or I missed the chance to hear some important news about one of the kids, hurt or something.

ggaaaaAAAAAHHHH!

Help!

[Uisge Beatha]

Hang tight, Deuce. I expect your lawyer has the right idea. Don't try to second guess him/her, otherwise there isn't much point in paying for legal services. I certainly think there would be at least one more call if your wife needed to inform you of an injury. This won't be easy, but you have to tough it out for now.

[yesman065]

If there is an emergency, she'll leave you a vm - and call you 20 more times in a row - you know that. Good luck buddy - hope today went well.

[Deuce]

Ok, had another great post, lost it... booooooo!

short answer, she called again, left a nice, concerned message. Says to call her.

Cooler heads have prevailed and I will.. stay in my box for now. I am nothing if not law abiding.

shit.

[Uisge Beatha]

We're proud of you, Deuce. I know it's tough, but you're doing well.

Oh, that lost post - I've been there, too. I've learned to start in a text editor for anything I think may get bigger than a couple of sentences. I copy and paste here when it's ready.

[DanaC]

Well done, Deuce, I get the sense you just crossed the first of a series of hurdles. Your lawyer is more thn likely advising you right on not picking up the phone.

Short anecdote: a friend of mine, Ash, went through a divorce. His wife's idea. They were doing it without lawyers at first (though actually, she had sought legal advice without telling him), and she showed great concern for his welfare during the first few weeks, phoned him to see he was okay, was really good about access and stuff.....by the time she'd persuaded him to agree to the most appalling terms of divorce and maintenance, we'd (his friends) begun to spot a pattern and advised him to get a solcitor to act on his behalf. She went nuts, started trying to mess with his access rights, said he was violent, a bully etc etc, the whole works. Fortunately his solicitor was able to get him through it all, with decent access to his boys and maintenance payments that took account of both their incomes.

I'm not saying your wife is anything like Ash's wife...but the point is, he still loved her and that meant when they were 'doing it without solicitors' he was not acting adversarially towards her; she meanwhile was acting in an adversarial way towards him, because they were in fact in an adversarial situation.

Your wife has indicated behaviourally (I think, but this is just my opinion) that she is treating this divorce in an entirely adversarial way. You are on opposing sides here. You must remember that. Don't be fooled by your feelings into dropping your defenses, because your opponent may use that against you.

It's shit and it hurts, and many of my closest friends have been through it. I was fortunate that when my relationship ended we were co-habiting, rather than married and had no kids to think about. It was still shit and hurtful and traumatic and that was with us being friendly about it. Having to deal with all this other stuff as well must be so hard.

Hang in there mate. Now is not the time to be friends. It's not the time to be enemies either...but it really isn't a time for being friends. Be selfish to the extent that you protect yourself. You are a father, and obviously you want to provide for your children, but that does not mean you deserve to come away with nothing. Protect yourself. Don't let her (with or without intent) persuade you to act against your own interests.

[Shawnee123]

Originally Posted by DanaC

Your wife has indicated behaviourally (I think, but this is just my opinion) that she is treating this divorce in an entirely adversarial way. You are on opposing sides here. You must remember that. Don't be fooled by your feelings into dropping your defenses, because your opponent may use that against you.

Very good point, DanaC.
Hang in there deuce. You will get through this and come out on the other side.

[Cicero]

If you don't believe me ask your attorney....She cannot "call off" a restraining order once it is granted to her. Now it's the states orders. She either really screwed up here- or she knows exactly what she's doing.
Right o- Dana and Shawnee......but i'm willing to take it a step further.
She shouldn't have played with restraining orders unless she was being threatened. Stay away from her. That is now permanently on your record and may effect future job prospects. Very destructive.
Once someone goes there don't come back ever. Either they aren't worth a damb or they really were in harm's way. In either case....take it seriously.
If you really were a threat, stay away until you get help.
If you weren't a threat....leave her stupid a**. Just for being a manipulative idiot that likes to play games with the lives of you and your kid(s).
Hang in there.
And remember: The first time- shame on you. The second time- shame on me.

[kgg]

First of all, none of us know her and everyone is turning her into a villian. She may well just want to talk. And frankly, we do not know anything about Deuce either except what he is posting. For all we know, they are faults on both sides. Let them work it out themselves.

[Sundae]

Originally Posted by kgg

First of all, none of us know her and everyone is turning her into a villian. She may well just want to talk. And frankly, we do not know anything about Deuce either except what he is posting. For all we know, they are faults on both sides. Let them work it out themselves.

To start with I read this with the same thought in mind. I left my husband (we didn't have children) and therefore won't automatically condemn the person leaving the relationship, even if they break the other person's heart.

However I think we have enough evidence for the position taken by Dwellars. I don't think she has necessarily been made out to be the villain - she is simply the one who has involved the law and put Deuce in a situation where he has to fight. She has physically removed their son and set something in place to deny him access to their joint property. I don't get the feeling she is a woman running scared, rather a woman who wants a man removed from her life. Her follow-up phone call also suggests she does not perceive him as dangerous.

Even Cicero, who advocates "leaving her stupid ass" qualifies it by saying the advice only counts if the restraining order was unnecessary.

I'm sure Deuce's wife feels her actions are justified and her friends probably think he is very much the villain of the piece. After all, she has the law on her side. Personally I think it's sad that it had to escalate to this and she wasn't able to move into a friend or relative's house and continue with counselling before getting on the financially draining path of legal interference. Who loses out in the end? Who would the money usually be spent on? It's a truism that the children always suffer when a relationship breaks down.

[wolf]

Originally Posted by kgg

First of all, none of us know her and everyone is turning her into a villian. She may well just want to talk. And frankly, we do not know anything about Deuce either except what he is posting. For all we know, they are faults on both sides. Let them work it out themselves.

They have been not talking for several months now. If there is any further talking to be done, it needs to be done by the lawyers.

[Cicero]

Originally Posted by kgg

First of all, none of us know her and everyone is turning her into a villian. She may well just want to talk. And frankly, we do not know anything about Deuce either except what he is posting. For all we know, they are faults on both sides. Let them work it out themselves.

I think you might have been responding to my post...and I think I left it open enough with my responses. Fact is...she made sure that it is illegal for them to talk, no matter what her intentions were at that time. No blame. Just the truth. I also did not blame her if the fault was his. I did not blame him if the fault was his. I blamed her if she perjured herself- if she was not in harm's way and stated that she was a victim. I do not know...but it is a common tactic. I saw this game play out once in my personal life and the kid suffered the most. He was almost killed by the heavy handed game playing of the adults involved. It turned out really, really badly.

Follow the attorney's advice to every letter and everything else will work itself out. Don't take any chances Deuce.