Tales from the Nuthouse: Lest You Think I have a Really Cool Job

[wolf]

Yesterday was spectacularly stupid, even given my unusually high standards.

I had to wake up early to testify at a criminal hearing, but ended up waking up even earlier, because I was going to breakfast with my ambulance crew.

See, about a week ago I found some contraband in property. A lot of drugs. It was hidden in a big bottle of hand cream.

So, I get up at 0800, which is like three hours earlier than I usually get up. Go to the IHOP, which was absolutely wonderful, although they could use a smoking section. I bought breakfast for the crew because I was the one who found they drugs and enlisted them as witnesses when I probed the bottle of hand cream with the back of a spoon. I found a solid object in there, you see. So, either the hand cream had curdled, or something else was in there. Something else turned out to be a baggie containing a big ol' bag of weed (although I described it in court as a leafy, green substance, since I do not have the ability to test to see what it really is) and some rolling papers.

We had a very nice breakfast. The loaded hash browns (country style sausage) are insanely awesome, get them while they last.

So, then we go to court. We spend time joking around with the cops, do some testimony prep, and appear before the judge. Took about two hours.

I was also scheduled to go to mental health court at the same time, they held my hearings (I had two that day, which is really rare) until the end, turned out I didn't have to testify, was about to head home for a much-needed nap before work when I got texted by one of my bosses, saying that she had to leave early could I be in at 1400. Yeah, sure. I had just enough time to run home, poop in my own toilet, and turn right around and go back to work.

So THEN, I get to work and all Hell is breaking loose. There were a ton of patients to be seen, and a petitioner for an involuntary commitment, and the phones were ringing off the hook. Dealt with that stuff, but never got to talk to the boss-lady about what time I should be leaving before she left, originally I was going to scoot out to match the amount of time I spent in court because they're really trying to cut down on overtime, but that didn't work out at all, because then worse Hell broke out.

I was dealing with this sweet little old lady, see. She was adorable. Charming. During visiting hours she decided it was time to get naked, stuff her clothing in the toilet, flush the toilet causing a flood in the lobby and also into my office. I was on the phone with a police department at the time, and missed most of the fun. Old lady was placed in an exam room in "seclusion," which means we locked the door. She got completely naked, and this tiny little thing starts pushing around some 300 pound furniture to barricade the door. And she peed on the floor. Then she learned why our doors are double hung ... guys opened the door climbed over the furniture, and escorted her out of that exam room to be placed in restraints.

In the middle of that a new patient arrived saying he wanted to get off drugs and alcohol. He probably really wanted to hide from the police. I told a cow orker about him, then went to sit and watch the old lady in restraints for the next two hours. She got out of the restraints once, and needed a leg restraint loosened. You think I could get anybody to help with this? Then I go back into the office and find that nobody has seen the dude trying to hide out from the po-po, tried to suggest that someone else see him, nobody took the bait, and so I went out to interview him, leaving four cases worth of paperwork on my desk that I hadn't touched yet, because I was watching naked old lady snore for two hours.

Recommend dude to outpatient because he claimed to be drinking huge amounts, had a ZERO alcohol level despite drinking just before coming in, and really wasn't invested in treatment anyway. Well after the time I should have left ambulance comes in with an extremely combative guy, he gets restrained, and had to to look at him because a cow orker said he had caveman feet. He did. It was weird. He also smelled to high heaven because he hadn't bathed in about a month.

Then a police department drops a guy off, a cluster of three women walk in, and the ambulance brings in some chick I had to call an interpreter for. The call should have been made before our crew left to go get her,but I got to have a really nice conversation with the lady from the interpreter service. And with the lady from dude's insurance company.

Just before I left I finished the paperwork on naked old lady, which I'd been setting aside since I came back in from her one-to-one.

Monday sucked too.