My sis...

morethanpretty · 10-04-2009, 12:10 PM

I got a text this morning at work. My sister is getting married. I'm not unhappy, I'm not happy, I am definitely worried. She's only 23 (I'm not sure his age but they're not far apart, only been dating since this summer, she's had 1 other boyfriend back in high school. Just all this stuff is going through my head. I'm afraid she's rushing into marriage because this guy seems great and for some reason she believes she's getting "old" and becoming a "spinster." To top it off she is a dedicated good little christian, if she's unhappy in this marriage she might not leave because divorce is so frowned upon.
Anyone want to tell me I'm a complete idiot for being worried and I should just be idiotically happy instead? I feel like I'm being a bad sister for not wanting this.

bluecuracao · 10-04-2009, 12:58 PM

I don't think you're a bad sister at all. You are a good sister who is concerned about her well-being.

Sounds like all you can do is hope for the best. Who knows, it might turn out pretty good...

xoxoxoBruce · 10-04-2009, 01:28 PM

When you get the news, it's normal to mull over the pros and cons. Normal to consider the best case/worst case scenarios. Hopefully she's already done that, before she made the announcement.

You can discuss your fears with her, without telling her they're your fears. You know, sister to sister, just asking her reasoning for doing this, without being all negative and shit, which she might resent.

morethanpretty · 10-04-2009, 01:56 PM

Oh yeah, and he's pre-med. Waiting for acceptance into a medical school, so if that works out they would have years of him working towards being a doctor, and then years of internship, years of paying all those bills...

Clodfobble · 10-04-2009, 02:31 PM

The age doesn't bother me, but the fact that they've only been dating for 3 months does. Tell her she needs a looooong engagement period "to make sure the wedding is perfect," so that she has time to change her mind if that becomes necessary.

Griff · 10-04-2009, 03:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by morethanpretty

Oh yeah, and he's pre-med. Waiting for acceptance into a medical school, so if that works out they would have years of him working towards being a doctor, and then years of internship, years of paying all those bills...

Often it is years of her paying the bills, that is a big commitment after dating him for only three months. She has a lot to consider like how sure is she that she won't be his first wife. Be careful of sister push-back but she does need a wake-up call.

morethanpretty · 10-04-2009, 03:48 PM

I'm not entirely sure of the when they started, but 5 months by my most generous estimate.

FYI they did know each other before they began dating through church, but I think she started going to the church only a year ago. A year isn't long enough. Took me 3 to figure out my boyfriend wasn't the "one"

TheMercenary · 10-04-2009, 03:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by morethanpretty

Oh yeah, and he's pre-med. Waiting for acceptance into a medical school, so if that works out they would have years of him working towards being a doctor, and then years of internship, years of paying all those bills...

Additionally to what Griff said, years of separation. He is not going to be around during much of that time. I think you are right on target. If I were you I would try to support her but put a dose of reality into her decision and ask if it might be smarter to wait a year or so. And what if he doesn't get into med school? then what? What is the plan?

skysidhe · 10-04-2009, 04:10 PM

As they said ...perhaps to date a while through med school would be wise.

Supporting someone through med school after dating a short time I see where you are concerned mtp.

regular.joe · 10-04-2009, 04:26 PM

For what it's worth, yesterday I celebrated my 16th wedding anniversary. I knew my wife a month at the time. Some people in the Monterey area lost some money over that one. Who knows? O.K. so I'm going to wax a little philosophic here...would waiting for two years have made any difference to my marriage? Maybe 5 years. Love, marriage, commitment, how long does it take to figure all this out? What I think is too many people have an unhappy moment, or lack the wherewithal to follow through on their promise of commitment, and quit. Take the easy way out. I say so what if your sister knew the guy for only 5 months, if she and he are willing to commit their lives together for the long haul then it won't really matter if they marry now or in 15 years.

my $.02.

monster · 10-04-2009, 05:49 PM

Possibly it takes longer to learn that you weren't meant to be together than to know that you were? beest and I knew pretty much straight away we met -way back 20 years ago. We did take a few years to get married, but not for any reason other than lack of urgency/effort.

I'd hesitate to interfere. People have to make their own mistakes. Maybe better to stay friends and be there for her if/when she needs you than to annoy her, maybe even helping to her into a bad decision just to "show you" and then watch on as a helpless unwanted voice if/when she needs someone.

smoothmoniker · 10-04-2009, 06:43 PM

Yeah, you definitely need to assess her ability to "hear" you if you interfere.

If you speak your mind, is there any chance at all that she will take it into consideration?

If you are wrong, and they stay together in wedded bliss, your interference will always be a dark cloud between you and your new bro-in-law. If you are right, and they are self-destructive toward each other, your interference will be an eternal silent "I told you so" between you and your sister.

I would stay out of it.

Griff · 10-04-2009, 07:13 PM

A friend of mine got to be the first wife after she left college to support him through med school and then birth his kids. He was "meant to be" with his high school sweetie who he hooked up with at their high school reunion, so I may be overly cynical about guys who find easier ways through med school. It is her life to live.

lumberjim · 10-04-2009, 08:02 PM

I would recommend that you give your sister your love and support. There are no rules about how long you have to know someone before you get married. If she loves him, and they want to start their life together....

what troubles you about it? Is he an asshole or something?

morethanpretty · 10-05-2009, 07:06 AM

Well went to dinner with my parents, his parents and them last night. I was not excited, made me sick to my stomach hearing them talk about being engaged, so I ignored all such talk. I can't be dishonest and tell her I'm happy when I not. I shouldn't lie to her either. I fought with my parents all the way back to my car because they won't inject the least bit of caution into the situation, they're not evaluating it AT ALL. They tell me what the fuck to do all the time and warn me of the dangers about moving too fast in a relationship, but its OK for their other daughter to marry a guy after only 4years of dating just because its "christian" relationship? Idiots. I don't want the to be against it, I'm not really against it, I just think there should be more caution.

10-04-2009, 12:10 PM	#1
morethanpretty Thats "Miss Zipper Neck" to you. Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: little town (but not the littlest) in texas Posts: 2,957	My sis... I got a text this morning at work. My sister is getting married. I'm not unhappy, I'm not happy, I am definitely worried. She's only 23 (I'm not sure his age but they're not far apart, only been dating since this summer, she's had 1 other boyfriend back in high school. Just all this stuff is going through my head. I'm afraid she's rushing into marriage because this guy seems great and for some reason she believes she's getting "old" and becoming a "spinster." To top it off she is a dedicated good little christian, if she's unhappy in this marriage she might not leave because divorce is so frowned upon. Anyone want to tell me I'm a complete idiot for being worried and I should just be idiotically happy instead? I feel like I'm being a bad sister for not wanting this. __________________ Addicts may suck dick for coke, but love came up with the idea to put a dick in there to begin with. -Jack O'Brien

10-04-2009, 01:28 PM	#3
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	When you get the news, it's normal to mull over the pros and cons. Normal to consider the best case/worst case scenarios. Hopefully she's already done that, before she made the announcement. You can discuss your fears with her, without telling her they're your fears. You know, sister to sister, just asking her reasoning for doing this, without being all negative and shit, which she might resent. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

10-04-2009, 01:56 PM	#4
morethanpretty Thats "Miss Zipper Neck" to you. Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: little town (but not the littlest) in texas Posts: 2,957	Oh yeah, and he's pre-med. Waiting for acceptance into a medical school, so if that works out they would have years of him working towards being a doctor, and then years of internship, years of paying all those bills... __________________ Addicts may suck dick for coke, but love came up with the idea to put a dick in there to begin with. -Jack O'Brien

10-04-2009, 02:31 PM	#5
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	The age doesn't bother me, but the fact that they've only been dating for 3 months does. Tell her she needs a looooong engagement period "to make sure the wedding is perfect," so that she has time to change her mind if that becomes necessary. __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

10-04-2009, 03:48 PM	#7
morethanpretty Thats "Miss Zipper Neck" to you. Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: little town (but not the littlest) in texas Posts: 2,957	I'm not entirely sure of the when they started, but 5 months by my most generous estimate. FYI they did know each other before they began dating through church, but I think she started going to the church only a year ago. A year isn't long enough. Took me 3 to figure out my boyfriend wasn't the "one" __________________ Addicts may suck dick for coke, but love came up with the idea to put a dick in there to begin with. -Jack O'Brien Last edited by morethanpretty; 10-04-2009 at 03:53 PM. Reason: added bit more info...

10-04-2009, 12:58 PM	#2
bluecuracao in a mood, not cupcake Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Philadelphia Posts: 3,034	I don't think you're a bad sister at all. You are a good sister who is concerned about her well-being. Sounds like all you can do is hope for the best. Who knows, it might turn out pretty good...

10-04-2009, 04:10 PM	#9
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	As they said ...perhaps to date a while through med school would be wise. Supporting someone through med school after dating a short time I see where you are concerned mtp.

10-04-2009, 04:26 PM	#10
regular.joe Старый сержант Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: NC, dreaming of large Russian women. Posts: 1,464	For what it's worth, yesterday I celebrated my 16th wedding anniversary. I knew my wife a month at the time. Some people in the Monterey area lost some money over that one. Who knows? O.K. so I'm going to wax a little philosophic here...would waiting for two years have made any difference to my marriage? Maybe 5 years. Love, marriage, commitment, how long does it take to figure all this out? What I think is too many people have an unhappy moment, or lack the wherewithal to follow through on their promise of commitment, and quit. Take the easy way out. I say so what if your sister knew the guy for only 5 months, if she and he are willing to commit their lives together for the long haul then it won't really matter if they marry now or in 15 years. my $.02. __________________ Birth, wealth, and position are valueless during wartime. Man is only judged by his character --Soldier's Testament. Death, like birth, is a secret of Nature. - Marcus Aurelius.

10-04-2009, 05:49 PM	#11
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	Possibly it takes longer to learn that you weren't meant to be together than to know that you were? beest and I knew pretty much straight away we met -way back 20 years ago. We did take a few years to get married, but not for any reason other than lack of urgency/effort. I'd hesitate to interfere. People have to make their own mistakes. Maybe better to stay friends and be there for her if/when she needs you than to annoy her, maybe even helping to her into a bad decision just to "show you" and then watch on as a helpless unwanted voice if/when she needs someone. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

10-04-2009, 06:43 PM	#12
smoothmoniker to live and die in LA Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 2,090	Yeah, you definitely need to assess her ability to "hear" you if you interfere. If you speak your mind, is there any chance at all that she will take it into consideration? If you are wrong, and they stay together in wedded bliss, your interference will always be a dark cloud between you and your new bro-in-law. If you are right, and they are self-destructive toward each other, your interference will be an eternal silent "I told you so" between you and your sister. I would stay out of it. __________________ to live and die in LA

10-04-2009, 07:13 PM	#13
Griff still says videotape Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 26,813	A friend of mine got to be the first wife after she left college to support him through med school and then birth his kids. He was "meant to be" with his high school sweetie who he hooked up with at their high school reunion, so I may be overly cynical about guys who find easier ways through med school. It is her life to live. __________________ If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you. - Louis D. Brandeis

10-04-2009, 08:02 PM	#14
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	I would recommend that you give your sister your love and support. There are no rules about how long you have to know someone before you get married. If she loves him, and they want to start their life together.... what troubles you about it? Is he an asshole or something? __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

10-05-2009, 07:06 AM	#15
morethanpretty Thats "Miss Zipper Neck" to you. Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: little town (but not the littlest) in texas Posts: 2,957	Well went to dinner with my parents, his parents and them last night. I was not excited, made me sick to my stomach hearing them talk about being engaged, so I ignored all such talk. I can't be dishonest and tell her I'm happy when I not. I shouldn't lie to her either. I fought with my parents all the way back to my car because they won't inject the least bit of caution into the situation, they're not evaluating it AT ALL. They tell me what the fuck to do all the time and warn me of the dangers about moving too fast in a relationship, but its OK for their other daughter to marry a guy after only 4years of dating just because its "christian" relationship? Idiots. I don't want the to be against it, I'm not really against it, I just think there should be more caution. __________________ Addicts may suck dick for coke, but love came up with the idea to put a dick in there to begin with. -Jack O'Brien

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