insidemyhead - Page 3

BigV · 10-24-2007, 10:38 AM

V-->

<--l123

Thanks bro.

LabRat · 10-25-2007, 12:58 PM

Just read post #25. Sounds like things have begun to slow down a bit and you are getting a better grip on things. This makes me very happy. It's hard to focus on our inner voices sometimes, especially over the deafining sound of life exploding around you. Keep it up bud!

BigV · 10-25-2007, 04:38 PM

Why can I not block this stuff?
I AM AN IDIOT.
I AM A MASOCHIST
I LIKE PAIN
I AM WEAK
I AM FRIGHTENED
I AM STUPID

NOT stupid

YESS!!!!!!! STUPID!!
I AM LAZY
I AM INCAPABLE OF LEARNING
I AM WORTHLESS
I AM HURTFUL
I AM POISONOUS
I AM A LIAR
I AM A THIEF
I AM RUDE
I AM SNEAKY
I AM A CREEP

I AM BAD

I HATE ME

I AM BROKEN
I GIVE UP

Sundae · 10-25-2007, 04:46 PM

You can't block it V
You have to counter it
Keep telling yourself it's not true, even when you don't believe it

Look for the positive in yourself
Find JUST ONE THING you can say positively about yourself without qualifying it and use it to build on

It's not easy
Changing a mindset is damn hard, at the very least because it's so hard to visualise success or an end target (unlike giving up drink or cigarettes etc)

Keep at it
You know no-one here believes the above of you
And you shouldn't either

This too will pass

lookout123 · 10-25-2007, 05:05 PM

yeah, you are all of those things. at different times. but never all at once and never to the degree you think them to be true. but it seems you've left a few things off the list.

caring
committed
loving
persistent
learning
growing
needed
wanted
DAD

the list can go on and on. the problem with a list like this compared to the one that you came up with is that a list like this is hard to compile when the subject is yourself. the other one, the destructive one, flows through your head far too readily. acknowledge it for what it is - PASSING. look at the list above and figure out what is permanent and focus on it.

BigV · 10-25-2007, 05:52 PM

DAD.

DanaC · 10-25-2007, 07:14 PM

Quote:

DAD.

The most important of all.

Quote:

yeah, you are all of those things. at different times. but never all at once and never to the degree you think them to be true.

Very wise, my friend.

DanaC · 10-25-2007, 07:16 PM

BigV. I love your writing. When you first started this thread, you worried me a little. The pain seemed very raw. The more you post in this thread, the more it seems...honest, direct and channelled.

I don't know if you've ever seriously considered sending your work to a publishers, but I think it stands there with some of the best.

BigV · 10-25-2007, 08:01 PM

When I sleep, I like to be bundled up.
I imagine when I was a baby I was swaddled.

I used to do that with our boy.
hold him tightly,
talk to him
coo to him
breathe on him
whisper directly on him my words touching his skin
pressing my love into his mind, his spirit
through my lips
through his skin his hair.

I can see the surface of his skin is actually transparent
the light comes through like the glass on a table top,
you can see the glass and the table.
his skin is like that.
I can see it and see through it.

eyes so wide
what does he see?
my face, it fills his horizon
I'm all he can see
Do you hear me?
I love you son
I love you son
I am here
I am here in your heart
feel that?
I am with you
always.
look inside, I'm there.
you're never ever alone.
I know you know.

go on now.
scat
run and play.
it's your world
your whole world
you pick!
take it all!
smell that?
aaaahhhhhh
breathe again.
you remember, don't you.
yes
we shared breaths
I held you *that* close.
you couldn't tell my pats from your heartbeats.
.
god
oh god.
.
I'm trying to see through your eyes.
oh my god.
I'm sorry so sorry son
I'm so sorry.
I know it's awful now.
you're absolutely right.
you're right
when you're right, you're right.
you're right

I'm sorry.
listen.
look here.
come here.
comehere a second.
yes,
it's ok.
gonna be ok.
gonna be ok
yes sir
gonna be ok.
s'ok.
yessir.
ssssshhhhh
.
shhhhh.

s'okay...
shhh

ElBandito · 10-28-2007, 08:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigV

it's dark

punctuated by flashes
of pain
of insight

the scars are covered by the darkness of forgetting

I get migraines like that too.

I feel your pain.

DanaC · 10-29-2007, 08:42 AM

BigV. That last poem, I read when you first posted it and was thinking of posting about it, but didn't have time. I think it's your best yet. It actually floored me, brought a serious prickling to the back of my eyes. Beautiful and dark (as life is). Moved me so much i wondered if you'd mind me showing it to a friend, for whom I suspect it would have even greater resonance?

BigV · 10-29-2007, 11:17 AM

Yes, you may. Please, be my guest.

lookout123 · 10-29-2007, 11:55 AM

I believe what Mr V meant to say was "I feel that it would be a great honor for others to read, be touched, and find encouragement from my experiences as described in my writings. One must remember that I am an artist, so you will need to speak with my business manager, Mr Lookout to discuss appropriate usage fees and royalties..."

Cicero · 10-29-2007, 11:57 AM

Dad and husband. I bet your wife wishes she knew all this...Take out a sheet of paper. Write some stuff down. Let her write stuff down. Read it together. Don't quit writing until you have both had enough. No talking during the project. I bet she has stuff she would like to share and vice versa. A little bit of understanding can change a lot.

Michaela · 10-29-2007, 12:24 PM

Well said. My ex and I are on very good terms now. Wish we had done a lot of that through the hurtful times. However, we are great friends now and occassionally go out on dates. He still makes me laugh.

10-24-2007, 10:38 AM	#31
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	V--><--l123 Thanks bro. __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

10-25-2007, 12:58 PM	#32
LabRat twatfaced two legged bumhole Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 3,143	Just read post #25. Sounds like things have begun to slow down a bit and you are getting a better grip on things. This makes me very happy. It's hard to focus on our inner voices sometimes, especially over the deafining sound of life exploding around you. Keep it up bud! __________________ Strength does not come from how much weight you can lift, or how many miles you can run. It comes from knowing that you set a goal, and rose to the challenge. Strength comes from within.

10-25-2007, 04:38 PM	#33
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	Why can I not block this stuff? I AM AN IDIOT. I AM A MASOCHIST I LIKE PAIN I AM WEAK I AM FRIGHTENED I AM STUPID NOT stupid YESS!!!!!!! STUPID!! I AM LAZY I AM INCAPABLE OF LEARNING I AM WORTHLESS I AM HURTFUL I AM POISONOUS I AM A LIAR I AM A THIEF I AM RUDE I AM SNEAKY I AM A CREEP I AM BAD I HATE ME I AM BROKEN I GIVE UP __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

10-25-2007, 04:46 PM	#34
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	You can't block it V You have to counter it Keep telling yourself it's not true, even when you don't believe it Look for the positive in yourself Find JUST ONE THING you can say positively about yourself without qualifying it and use it to build on It's not easy Changing a mindset is damn hard, at the very least because it's so hard to visualise success or an end target (unlike giving up drink or cigarettes etc) Keep at it You know no-one here believes the above of you And you shouldn't either This too will pass __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

10-25-2007, 05:05 PM	#35
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	yeah, you are all of those things. at different times. but never all at once and never to the degree you think them to be true. but it seems you've left a few things off the list. caring committed loving persistent learning growing needed wanted DAD the list can go on and on. the problem with a list like this compared to the one that you came up with is that a list like this is hard to compile when the subject is yourself. the other one, the destructive one, flows through your head far too readily. acknowledge it for what it is - PASSING. look at the list above and figure out what is permanent and focus on it. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

10-25-2007, 05:52 PM	#36
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	DAD. __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

10-25-2007, 07:16 PM	#38
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	BigV. I love your writing. When you first started this thread, you worried me a little. The pain seemed very raw. The more you post in this thread, the more it seems...honest, direct and channelled. I don't know if you've ever seriously considered sending your work to a publishers, but I think it stands there with some of the best.

10-25-2007, 08:01 PM	#39
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	When I sleep, I like to be bundled up. I imagine when I was a baby I was swaddled. I used to do that with our boy. hold him tightly, talk to him coo to him breathe on him whisper directly on him my words touching his skin pressing my love into his mind, his spirit through my lips through his skin his hair. I can see the surface of his skin is actually transparent the light comes through like the glass on a table top, you can see the glass and the table. his skin is like that. I can see it and see through it. eyes so wide what does he see? my face, it fills his horizon I'm all he can see Do you hear me? I love you son I love you son I am here I am here in your heart feel that? I am with you always. look inside, I'm there. you're never ever alone. I know you know. go on now. scat run and play. it's your world your whole world you pick! take it all! smell that? aaaahhhhhh breathe again. you remember, don't you. yes we shared breaths I held you that close. you couldn't tell my pats from your heartbeats. . god oh god. . I'm trying to see through your eyes. oh my god. I'm sorry so sorry son I'm so sorry. I know it's awful now. you're absolutely right. you're right when you're right, you're right. you're right I'm sorry. listen. look here. come here. comehere a second. yes, it's ok. gonna be ok. gonna be ok yes sir gonna be ok. s'ok. yessir. ssssshhhhh . shhhhh. s'okay... shhh __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

10-29-2007, 08:42 AM	#41
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	BigV. That last poem, I read when you first posted it and was thinking of posting about it, but didn't have time. I think it's your best yet. It actually floored me, brought a serious prickling to the back of my eyes. Beautiful and dark (as life is). Moved me so much i wondered if you'd mind me showing it to a friend, for whom I suspect it would have even greater resonance?

10-29-2007, 11:17 AM	#42
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	Yes, you may. Please, be my guest. __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

10-29-2007, 11:55 AM	#43
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	I believe what Mr V meant to say was "I feel that it would be a great honor for others to read, be touched, and find encouragement from my experiences as described in my writings. One must remember that I am an artist, so you will need to speak with my business manager, Mr Lookout to discuss appropriate usage fees and royalties..." __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

10-29-2007, 11:57 AM	#44
Cicero Looking forward to open mic night. Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: New Mexico Posts: 5,148	Dad and husband. I bet your wife wishes she knew all this...Take out a sheet of paper. Write some stuff down. Let her write stuff down. Read it together. Don't quit writing until you have both had enough. No talking during the project. I bet she has stuff she would like to share and vice versa. A little bit of understanding can change a lot. __________________ Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you.- Carl Jung

10-29-2007, 12:24 PM	#45
Michaela Lively Girl Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Montlake Terrace, WA Posts: 67	Well said. My ex and I are on very good terms now. Wish we had done a lot of that through the hurtful times. However, we are great friends now and occassionally go out on dates. He still makes me laugh.

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