insidemyhead

[limey]

Originally Posted by BigV

no one is for me here.
no one is here for me.

all demand of me.
wife
son
boss
sister
mother
court
work

there is not enough of me to go around. I am last.

by the time I am to be served, the plate is empty.

my mistake is that I am on the menu and not on the guest list.

Do you demand of them; or do you think "I must be BigV and strong"?
My weakness is that I fear to reveal my weakness because I am supposed to be the strong one. Perhaps part of the answer is to give others the opportunity to be the strong one for you. It's hard: it's like that trust exercise where you let yourself fall backwards into the arms of your friends. Can you do that?

[BigV]

Originally Posted by limey

Do you demand of them; or do you think "I must be BigV and strong"?
My weakness is that I fear to reveal my weakness because I am supposed to be the strong one. Perhaps part of the answer is to give others the opportunity to be the strong one for you. It's hard: it's like that trust exercise where you let yourself fall backwards into the arms of your friends. Can you do that?

limey: I choose the second one. Your description fits me well.

dar: I apologize for the delivery style.

[Cicero]

copy paste:my mistake is that I am on the menu and not on the guest list.

Then quit walking around with that apple shoved in your mouth!
lol!!!

Just kidding Big.......Just jokes......

This thread is just so caustic.......sorry....

[limey]

Originally Posted by BigV

limey: I choose the second one. Your description fits me well.

....

I do so know how you feel, BigV.
Here is a little story for you, ...
Once upon a time I knew a woman who told me her guilty secret. Way back, before I knew her, she was a wife, mother and daughter, working full-time. Full-time teaching job; full-time wife and mother in a family and at a time which meant that all the housework was her concern; and full-time daughter to her elderly mother who wanted to live in her own home (down the road from my friend) but was no longer able to cook and clean for herself. My friend's guilty secret was that for years, on the day after term ended, she packed her sandwiches and set off as if to work, with all of her dependents believing that that was where she was going; but instead she headed off to the moors and sat all day in peace and quite, enjoying her sandwiches and a good book. She told me she was guilty about lying to her family about the dates of the end of term, and I told her that if she hadn't done that she'd never have been able to cope and look after everyone else as well as she had done.
Can you try to carve yourself a little "me time"? It's not selfish, it's the only thing that'll keep you going.



PS (am having a little difficulty doing this myself at the moment! )

[LabRat]

limey said what I've been thinking. I too have a hard time asking for help, (no one does things as good as if I just did them myself thankyouverymuch). This, combined with a strong sense of personal responsibilty, topped with a good dose of perfectionism has more than once stressed me to the max and I've ended up melting down (in various ways at different times).

I am trying to do a better job of communicating my needs, letting things go, and prioritizing what *REALLY* is important that I do vs. what is OK if not perfect and thus can deal with someone else doing. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Don't be a martyr. (my current state of work stresses is a prime example of my "I can do it" attitude getting in the way)

If your children were in the position you are, (whatever it is) what advice would you give them?

[BigV]

the dawn comes.

I am surprised by my shock,
then I remember the darkness, and I am no longer surprised.

it is a new day, an unmade, unwritten day
a blank page of history.

at the end of the day will this page be lingered upon?
will the page be torn out, will the book be slammed shut?
will the corner be folded over (yes I know it's wrong, but it's my book) for future reference?

will the words be written in blood?
will I write what I want, or write what I'm told?

[BigV]

If you like an aspect of my character,
you may offer your thanks to my parents, who loved me.

to whom I owe an unpayable debt.
upon whom I wish to reflect honor and reverence.
to whom I pay respect and thanks.
without whom I would be nothing
or worse, untrained, unguided, unloved.

I am the tree
grown from the seed they planted.

[DanaC]

That's beautiful BigV.

[queequeger]

Poetic foruming: new art form?

[BigV]

I don't feel like a friend.
I feel like a parasite.

I feel like I"m STUCK in a role I HATE
I can't stop it.

the script, my script says: "break it"

:rips scriptbook into confetti:

aaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhh

why would I do that?!? why would I press and push and argue with and be fucking annoying until I did *indeed* break it, and I prove myself right!?!

yay farkin me!

NO

bad me.

don't do that.

don't.

just don't

stop being combative.

let people be nice to you.

you doofus.

looookkk I know you're hurt,

you are

with good reason.

I am sooo, sooo sorry buddy, but just .. chill out a minute.

just a minute.

listen to me.

look.

there's nice people all around.

really true.

*hold your tongue*

my turn

there's one.

let them be nice to you.

there's another! see?

ok?

calm down bro

it's ok.

You're worried about people's reactions. I know. I know.

I'm in the same head bro.

no secrets.

s'cool.

I'm cool.

it's their reaction

not yours

don't be a thief.

don't steal their stuff.

k?

they want to act nice, good.

they want to be unreasonable, cope.

you do right.

mind your own fuckin business.

be just and fear not.

Oh, and while we're at it.

you could lower your bar on a couple of these jumps a few notches.

that would be ok.

it'd be good.

less intimidating.

still well within acceptable limits.

and.

and on some, you could raise the bar.

yeah.

ok a lot to process, and all so vague.

sorry.

look.

here' I'll be specific.

lower this one.

Anybody can be mad at you if they want, as long as you're doing right.

your home training was superb, you paid attention and you're doing fine.

stick to it.

here's one you can raise.

take better care of yourself.

better eating.

better hygiene

better exercise.

all good for you.

less wallowing.

so.

one lower

one higher.

specific stuff for you.

bonus one.

look, be nice to the people around you. don't make them do all the work.

you have friends too.

remember what one said?

if your children came to you with the same problem, what would you tell them?

ok... welll.

if it's good dog food, you should eat it too!

be nice.

you want friends?

be a friend.

you want nice? be nice

you want funny, be funny

you want help , be helpful.

dude, you can so do this.

in your sleep.

but you have to do it

if it is to be it is up to me.

ok.

let's begin.

...

hey.

thanks man.

you're welcome.

we all gotta stick together in here.

one boat, right?

right.

.

.

/end of schizophrenic fugue

.

.

.

I have a loud head.

[DanaC]

BigV if you ever publish your writings can I have a copy, pretty please?

[Pie]

BigV, I like your "friend". Sometimes I wish I had a loud(er) head -- it gets a bit lonely in here.

[BigV]

Of course!

May I sign it?

[BigV]

Pie:

At the risk of trampling on a perfectly good compliment, I just wanted to say thank you, and that the "friend" in question is, well, insidemyhead. It *is* loud in here, and I don't always get to pick who's dominating the discussion. When it's some idiot downer... he needs to be taken out and shot.

ok.. bad image

He needs to have his PA line unplugged. Get it out of your system, but then get the f off the stage ALREADY.

Yeesh.

ok

better.

Last night, it was a friendly helpful voice. Self comfort, I can use all I can get.

[lookout123]