I want to die

[Sundae]

Part of my problem is that my moods are up and down.
Right now I am panicked, distressed and ready to do something, anything to get away from what I am feeling.

But I'm scared that if I cry for help (via a call, not something more dramatic) then I will regret it my the time help arrives. Or call again to cancel, in which case I won't be taken seriously.

Of course the irony is that I am in a position where I am the worst person to make decisions about what I do and don't need, and what course I should be taking.

It's all been safely buried in a box in my head for so long, but the box is too full now and it's all threatening to spill out. I'm just not sure how to handle it - my previous ways of coping aren't working (get drunk, go to the cinema, come here) because I can't shut out the reality of the situation any more. But somehow I am incapable of taking any practical steps to improve the situation (start cleaning, start packing, MOVE).

Most of me wants to be rescued. The only remnant of who I really am is horrified by this, but isn't strong enough to get the rest of me motivated.

I know the family Ali. They will judge me.
Apart from that they have their own lives and concerns. Who am I to ask them to put me first?