Putting Out the Lights

I'm sorry if that seemed directed toward any of you, it was not.
It has been a difficult few weeks.
You are very kind and I truly appreciate it. I am one of the luckiest people I know and do not deserve the blessings I have in this life... I do try to, I do, this is part of it. How hard it is for me makes me feel like I do not deserve them all the more.
Another aspect of this is that part of me feels that it is a kind of slow torture, their watching me die like this... as sick voice in the back tells me that it would be a mercy to end it for them as well.