Liver and Cherry

[Sundae]

Okay. Off to Leeds tomorrow for the assessment.
Doubt I'll sleep tonight, which is a self-fulfilling prophecy of course.
As usual what I really fear is fear itself. I am so scared of bad news, delays, censure, rejection and the fall-out when I come "home". Which is really not home now, just a place I doss down in.

Reading Kenneth Williams' diaries, which probably doesn't help.
He was so unhappy so often, and could see no way out of his own situation, isolation, self-loathing. But so much of it chimes with my mood.

If I ever get accepted to the Unit I will keep a diary.
I even bought a lovely book to keep it in, but it's useless while I'm like this. Carruthers has so very kindly offered to try to help get the laptop back up and running at home, but in some ways I am emotionally reluctant to do so, because I'm so worried what I will publicly expose. And obv I don't mean body parts because I've done that sober with no regrets.

If I regret anything it's posting unfairly about Mum when I've been in a temper, or feeling hurt. Both bring out such vitriol and unpleasantness and it is still there years later. If I sound off on the phone to someone I can say afterwards, "Sorry, you didn't need to hear that, I don't feel the same today".

Sometimes when I'm looking for links I see my old posts and think, what a stupid, petty, ungrateful, over-sensitive bitch.
But then I guess on the flip side I also sometimes think, my gosh, how kind and insightful. Or how funny, or what a gorgeous turn of phrase.
So you can add conceited to the list of my failings above.

Right. Back to the flat. Diz has been fed, I'm just out to quietly kill time before the the long dark.
And Winter is coming, fools