insidemyhead
 

it's dark

punctuated by flashes
of pain
of insight

the scars are covered by the darkness of forgetting

I will have closure when I sew shut the wound in my soul, but the amputation will last forever.

you stand there, watching me, listening to me.

afraid of me, afraid for me. apart from me.

fascinated. horrified. repulsed. compelled.

you catch your breath, you retch. ohh, that's broken forever.

how strange!

I feel the warmth of the dripping trail, but not the cold edge making it.

BigV - you're scaring the crap out of me. The only reason I haven't called 911 is because this is the Creative Expression forum*. Let me know if that's something I need to do.


*also the fact that I don't know where you live or any other useful details

pain

there's so much of it, it's everywhere, it's on everything!

Nothing will ever be clean again.

it soils my thoughts, it stains my friends.

and



it hurts.

watching my thoughts stroll by....
casually looking back at me.
I wonder what they think of me?

that's where I live?
I came from there?

V - either I have missed something or you're not spillin'. I know your wife had a "scare", it was not cancer. Have other developments occurred, that you are not sharing? The last few posts have been a little bit perplexing. You don't have to "share" everything, just maybe a clue as to what's going on.

I'm falling. I'm alone.

It is the end. I'm alone.

Still, all is still. I can't move.

I'm alone.

BigV, what gives? Are you okay? Please?

BigV, whatever situation you are in (I have a vague recollection that you may be considering a breakup?) I hope you know we're here to listen/advise/just nod, if you want to share.

I echo Pie's concern. Are you okay?

no one is for me here.
no one is here for me.

all demand of me.
wife
son
boss
sister
mother
court
work

there is not enough of me to go around. I am last.

by the time I am to be served, the plate is empty.

my mistake is that I am on the menu and not on the guest list.

add aunt.

last bridge burned.

"Let the bridges we burn light our way forward."
:D No j/k.....

It's o.k. to be last Big, but start demanding some respect for your efforts. I feel like I'm in the same spot sometimes...Respect and common decency can cure a lot that ails.....

People forget...and that's ok. Remind them.

We might be able to say more than, "There, there" if you'd be a little less poetic and a little more direct, V. If you don't want to mess with insidemyhead, then put it in a different thread.

Do you demand of them; or do you think "I must be BigV and strong"?
My weakness is that I fear to reveal my weakness because I am supposed to be the strong one. Perhaps part of the answer is to give others the opportunity to be the strong one for you. It's hard: it's like that trust exercise where you let yourself fall backwards into the arms of your friends. Can you do that?

limey: I choose the second one. Your description fits me well.

dar: I apologize for the delivery style.

copy paste:my mistake is that I am on the menu and not on the guest list.

Then quit walking around with that apple shoved in your mouth!
lol!!!

Just kidding Big.......Just jokes......

This thread is just so caustic.......sorry....

I do so know how you feel, BigV.
Here is a little story for you, ...
Once upon a time I knew a woman who told me her guilty secret. Way back, before I knew her, she was a wife, mother and daughter, working full-time. Full-time teaching job; full-time wife and mother in a family and at a time which meant that all the housework was her concern; and full-time daughter to her elderly mother who wanted to live in her own home (down the road from my friend) but was no longer able to cook and clean for herself. My friend's guilty secret was that for years, on the day after term ended, she packed her sandwiches and set off as if to work, with all of her dependents believing that that was where she was going; but instead she headed off to the moors and sat all day in peace and quite, enjoying her sandwiches and a good book. She told me she was guilty about lying to her family about the dates of the end of term, and I told her that if she hadn't done that she'd never have been able to cope and look after everyone else as well as she had done.
Can you try to carve yourself a little "me time"? It's not selfish, it's the only thing that'll keep you going.



PS (am having a little difficulty doing this myself at the moment!:o )

limey said what I've been thinking. I too have a hard time asking for help, (no one does things as good as if I just did them myself thankyouverymuch). This, combined with a strong sense of personal responsibilty, topped with a good dose of perfectionism has more than once stressed me to the max and I've ended up melting down (in various ways at different times).

I am trying to do a better job of communicating my needs, letting things go, and prioritizing what *REALLY* is important that I do vs. what is OK if not perfect and thus can deal with someone else doing. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Don't be a martyr. (my current state of work stresses is a prime example of my "I can do it" attitude getting in the way)

If your children were in the position you are, (whatever it is) what advice would you give them?

the dawn comes.

I am surprised by my shock,
then I remember the darkness, and I am no longer surprised.

it is a new day, an unmade, unwritten day
a blank page of history.

at the end of the day will this page be lingered upon?
will the page be torn out, will the book be slammed shut?
will the corner be folded over (yes I know it's wrong, but it's my book) for future reference?

will the words be written in blood?
will I write what I want, or write what I'm told?

If you like an aspect of my character,
you may offer your thanks to my parents, who loved me.

to whom I owe an unpayable debt.
upon whom I wish to reflect honor and reverence.
to whom I pay respect and thanks.
without whom I would be nothing
or worse, untrained, unguided, unloved.

I am the tree
grown from the seed they planted.

That's beautiful BigV.

Poetic foruming: new art form?

I don't feel like a friend.
I feel like a parasite.

I feel like I"m STUCK in a role I HATE
I can't stop it.

the script, my script says: "break it"

:rips scriptbook into confetti:

aaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhh

why would I do that?!? why would I press and push and argue with and be fucking annoying until I did *indeed* break it, and I prove myself right!?!

yay farkin me!

NO

bad me.

don't do that.

don't.

just don't

stop being combative.

let people be nice to you.

you doofus.

looookkk I know you're hurt,

you are

with good reason.

I am sooo, sooo sorry buddy, but just .. chill out a minute.

just a minute.

listen to me.

look.

there's nice people all around.

really true.

*hold your tongue*

my turn

there's one.

let them be nice to you.

there's another! see?

ok?

calm down bro

it's ok.

You're worried about people's reactions. I know. I know.

I'm in the same head bro.

no secrets.

s'cool.

I'm cool.

it's their reaction

not yours

don't be a thief.

don't steal their stuff.

k?

they want to act nice, good.

they want to be unreasonable, cope.

you do right.

mind your own fuckin business.

be just and fear not.

Oh, and while we're at it.

you could lower your bar on a couple of these jumps a few notches.

that would be ok.

it'd be good.

less intimidating.

still well within acceptable limits.

and.

and on some, you could raise the bar.

yeah.

ok a lot to process, and all so vague.

sorry.

look.

here' I'll be specific.

lower this one.

Anybody can be mad at you if they want, as long as you're doing right.

your home training was superb, you paid attention and you're doing fine.

stick to it.

here's one you can raise.

take better care of yourself.

better eating.

better hygiene

better exercise.

all good for you.

less wallowing.

so.

one lower

one higher.

specific stuff for you.

bonus one.

look, be nice to the people around you. don't make them do all the work.

you have friends too.

remember what one said?

if your children came to you with the same problem, what would you tell them?

ok... welll.

if it's good dog food, you should eat it too!

be nice.

you want friends?

be a friend.

you want nice? be nice

you want funny, be funny

you want help , be helpful.

dude, you can so do this.

in your sleep.

but you have to do it

if it is to be it is up to me.

ok.

let's begin.

...

hey.

thanks man.

you're welcome.

we all gotta stick together in here.

one boat, right?

right.

.

.

/end of schizophrenic fugue

.

.

.

I have a loud head.

BigV if you ever publish your writings can I have a copy, pretty please?

BigV, I like your "friend". Sometimes I wish I had a loud(er) head -- it gets a bit lonely in here.

Of course!

May I sign it?

Pie:

At the risk of trampling on a perfectly good compliment, I just wanted to say thank you, and that the "friend" in question is, well, insidemyhead. It *is* loud in here, and I don't always get to pick who's dominating the discussion. When it's some idiot downer... he needs to be taken out and shot.

ok.. bad image

He needs to have his PA line unplugged. Get it out of your system, but then get the f off the stage ALREADY.

Yeesh.

ok

better.

Last night, it was a friendly helpful voice. Self comfort, I can use all I can get.

:comfort:

V-->:comfort:<--l123

Thanks bro.

Just read post #25. Sounds like things have begun to slow down a bit and you are getting a better grip on things. This makes me very happy. It's hard to focus on our inner voices sometimes, especially over the deafining sound of life exploding around you. Keep it up bud! :thumb2:

Why can I not block this stuff?
I AM AN IDIOT.
I AM A MASOCHIST
I LIKE PAIN
I AM WEAK
I AM FRIGHTENED
I AM STUPID

NOT stupid

YESS!!!!!!! STUPID!!
I AM LAZY
I AM INCAPABLE OF LEARNING
I AM WORTHLESS
I AM HURTFUL
I AM POISONOUS
I AM A LIAR
I AM A THIEF
I AM RUDE
I AM SNEAKY
I AM A CREEP

I AM BAD

I HATE ME

I AM BROKEN
I GIVE UP

You can't block it V
You have to counter it
Keep telling yourself it's not true, even when you don't believe it

Look for the positive in yourself
Find JUST ONE THING you can say positively about yourself without qualifying it and use it to build on

It's not easy
Changing a mindset is damn hard, at the very least because it's so hard to visualise success or an end target (unlike giving up drink or cigarettes etc)

Keep at it
You know no-one here believes the above of you
And you shouldn't either

This too will pass

yeah, you are all of those things. at different times. but never all at once and never to the degree you think them to be true. but it seems you've left a few things off the list.

caring
committed
loving
persistent
learning
growing
needed
wanted
DAD

the list can go on and on. the problem with a list like this compared to the one that you came up with is that a list like this is hard to compile when the subject is yourself. the other one, the destructive one, flows through your head far too readily. acknowledge it for what it is - PASSING. look at the list above and figure out what is permanent and focus on it.

The most important of all.

Very wise, my friend.

BigV. I love your writing. When you first started this thread, you worried me a little. The pain seemed very raw. The more you post in this thread, the more it seems...honest, direct and channelled.

I don't know if you've ever seriously considered sending your work to a publishers, but I think it stands there with some of the best.

When I sleep, I like to be bundled up.
I imagine when I was a baby I was swaddled.

I used to do that with our boy.
hold him tightly,
talk to him
coo to him
breathe on him
whisper directly on him my words touching his skin
pressing my love into his mind, his spirit
through my lips
through his skin his hair.

I can see the surface of his skin is actually transparent
the light comes through like the glass on a table top,
you can see the glass and the table.
his skin is like that.
I can see it and see through it.

eyes so wide
what does he see?
my face, it fills his horizon
I'm all he can see
Do you hear me?
I love you son
I love you son
I am here
I am here in your heart
feel that?
I am with you
always.
look inside, I'm there.
you're never ever alone.
I know you know.

go on now.
scat
run and play.
it's your world
your whole world
you pick!
take it all!
smell that?
aaaahhhhhh
breathe again.
you remember, don't you.
yes
we shared breaths
I held you *that* close.
you couldn't tell my pats from your heartbeats.
.
god
oh god.
.
I'm trying to see through your eyes.
oh my god.
I'm sorry so sorry son
I'm so sorry.
I know it's awful now.
you're absolutely right.
you're right
when you're right, you're right.
you're right

I'm sorry.
listen.
look here.
come here.
comehere a second.
yes,
it's ok.
gonna be ok.
gonna be ok
yes sir
gonna be ok.
s'ok.
yessir.
ssssshhhhh
.
shhhhh.

s'okay...
shhh

I get migraines like that too.

I feel your pain.

BigV. That last poem, I read when you first posted it and was thinking of posting about it, but didn't have time. I think it's your best yet. It actually floored me, brought a serious prickling to the back of my eyes. Beautiful and dark (as life is). Moved me so much i wondered if you'd mind me showing it to a friend, for whom I suspect it would have even greater resonance?

Yes, you may. Please, be my guest.

I believe what Mr V meant to say was "I feel that it would be a great honor for others to read, be touched, and find encouragement from my experiences as described in my writings. One must remember that I am an artist, so you will need to speak with my business manager, Mr Lookout to discuss appropriate usage fees and royalties..."

:D

Dad and husband. I bet your wife wishes she knew all this...Take out a sheet of paper. Write some stuff down. Let her write stuff down. Read it together. Don't quit writing until you have both had enough. No talking during the project. I bet she has stuff she would like to share and vice versa. A little bit of understanding can change a lot.

Well said. My ex and I are on very good terms now. Wish we had done a lot of that through the hurtful times. However, we are great friends now and occassionally go out on dates. He still makes me laugh.

under-freakin-statement of the century.

Please help me get there from here.

The writing thing, that sounds good. Are you also suggesting that I show her this writing of mine?

rsvp, tia.

I don't 'know' BigV, but I'm pretty sure his wife has been told this, and much more. If I remember right, he's even invited her here to check the place out.

Maybe writing things down so that she can read (and re-read) them at her leisure isn't a bad idea. Start a notebook that you can pass back-and-forth? Maybe taking the time to write thoughts down can help clarify exactly what is meant, and the other person can take the time to digest the thoughts without someone staring them in the face waiting for a reply...

Sometimes I know what I WANT to say, but in the heat of an argu, I mean discussion, the words just don't come out right. Once alone, I can compose myself and figure out what exactly is bugging me.

More often than not, I have mentally composed a post here at the Cellar, and that has helped me work through something IRL.

There are many good things about writing to each other, even if you share the same house/bed/life: you can't be interrupted, you can explain clearly what you mean, your writings can be read more than once in order to be able to calmly understand them. You posted that your wife was making you happy recently, that's great, she is there for you: suggest the writing thing to her.
I've just remembered you have to be BigV and strong for your family - maybe in writing for them you can put that to one side a little, whereas in a conversation that is harder to do?
Have you shown your wife this thread?

The IT guy at work is having the same difficulties....I just told him the same thing...

Make some dinner...find some alone time with your wife...tell her that you guys are going to do an exercise...Write some of this stuff down on paper and let her read it. Reiterate to her that during this exercise no one is allowed to talk. She can read it...and write responses...she can write her own stuff...and you may respond. It becomes a dialogue...It may be rough at first...but my husband and I have argued in this manner and action plans and changes tend to be the result. Everything looks a little different on paper...and the tough talk tends to simmer down really quick. Let her in...And she may need to let you in too....Of course I'm on BigV's side...but all this airing out serves no purpose unless the appropriate people get the message. This writing exercise is intended for people who want results..write down what you want. And let her do it too.. maybe she's lonely. Either way she needs to know how you feel.

:D

Don't quit writing until you guys have come to a negotiating point that suits you both.

how long have you been sitting there? hiding in my blind spot, dripping poison in my ear?


you're never far away, are you?
why must you follow me around?
you have no place in my celebration of life.

I know that's untrue. you define the boundaries of life. I don't like thinking about you. I know I can't ignore you, I know I can only evade you, not avoid you.

you are not welcome here. you are not welcome now. stop talking to me. you look ridiculous in that black robe. a scythe? seriously? go. away. your time will come, but it is not now. I did not call you. I will find you when I need you. I am busy with my life now, and I have no time, no energy and no desire for you at all.

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. If there is anything I can do to help? I can listen. I am a good listener.

my friend



I have a friend and he is a great blessing to me.
we talk, every day.
we meet, every day.
here, insidemyhead.

he is a superb listener, paying attention to what I say, and knowing which parts to let pass right on through, unremembered. he isn't shy about interrupting though. he knows when to derail a train of thought headed toward disaster. I wish you all had a friend as good as him.

he knows much about me, but doesn't pretend to know everything. he leaves room in the conversation, in our relationship, for things to move. I often ask for his advice, seek his wisdom. he has had many experiences I have not had, yet. he is modest and candid. he knows what I am going through, now. he knows from his own experience.

he has set a good example for me, one I sincerely wish to follow. my actions and results will be my own, I know. I am happy with that. but it is nice to have such a good model to guide me.

he has taught me many things, especially about myself. things that are true that I have not known, or acknowledged. things that I need that I have discounted. he has told me "this will happen" and "that will happen" and then, it happened. his credibility is immense. he has been right so far on all accounts. and his long term prognosis is embarassingly positive.

I am so grateful he is my friend.

Hey good to see you Mr V. You sound positive too. I think I like this side of you.

Can I borrow your friend? He sounds like a positive guiding force, without being forceful. I like this V too.

I just stumbled upon this thread. V, thought I'd let you know I really like your "poem," the beginning ones. I can feel your words, very expressive. Just wanted to let you know, that is all.

I am sooooo horny after reading all this...

In my mind's eye, I see you crouched at the water's edge. You are wearing a lightweight cotton dress, white. It glows in the light of the three quarter moon. Your magnificent hair is haloed by the reflection of the moon on the water. I cannot see your face, but your whole body is smiling. Your aura shines with happiness and contentment.

It is a pleasant sight.

I love this.

trapped in a room full of broken losers

trapped on the inside.

unwilling, sullen, uncomprehending sheep

law abiding sheep.

smart, functional, capable adults

chronological adults.

a little wine, soft lights, new parents

biological parents.

soon to be former spouses, pre-singles

single parents.

wow. ouch.