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Old 11-17-2006, 12:08 AM   #1
Iggy
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What do you do about dishonest family?

I have spoken many times on the cellar about the problems I have had with my sister. I think it is time I got some more advice on her from the wise dwellers.
And after rereading this, things seem scatter-brained. I apologize for that. It is hard to make sure the story makes sense to those not going through it.

First, some background for those not familiar with my problems. My sister (Nicole) is a drug addict that steals anything that is not nailed down. She had stolen pain medication from my now deceased grandfather and forced him to go through the morphine withdrawal along with the pain it was covering up just so she could get a fix. By the way, the reason he had to wait was he had just gotten his prescription refilled and had to wait 3 days before they would give him more because the doctor was unavailable.

Family obviously means nothing to her. Just this past May she stole my digital camera and traded it for drugs. She had asked to borrow it and I said no. So she took it instead. She was constantly stealing random things like shoes and clothes from me too. I was living with my grandmother to help out, and I have since been forced to move out because I could not keep anything while I was there.

I had moved into my grandparent’s house in August of 2004 because my grandfather was dying and my grandmother needed the help. It also served the purpose of letting me save some money so that I could go to college. (A little more info on the school problem here and here )

I just moved out of her house at the beginning of this October because of the things that had constantly come up missing. Plus that is when I finally had the money and time to rent a U-Haul to move my stuff. Before I moved in with them in August of 2004 I lived with my SO. Now that I moved out again I live with him again. (We have been together for 4 years as of November 13th of this year.)

Ok, now onto the advice. Just this past Sunday I discovered that she had basically stolen one of my credit cards and racked up around $350 on it. As I was still in the process of changing my address with a few places the bill (for a department store credit card) was mailed to my grandmother. At the time I wasn’t too concerned with this as I always paid it online and didn’t need the paper bill. At the time I did not even consider that my sister might do something sinister with it if she got a hold of it.

Apparently when she saw my bill she decided it was time to get back at me. (I had called the police on her last year because she had an outstanding warrant and had been particularly awful at the time. She is still mad at me for that.) She opened the bill and proceeded to call the department store customer service line impersonating me. She told them to add “Nicole” (herself) onto the account and to mail out a new card because “I” had lost it. The card she had canceled was the one in my wallet. When she got the new card in the mail (I should mention that when I moved out of my grandmother’s house she moved in) she went to the store 3 separate times and racked up approximately $350.

What my question is, what should I do now? Obviously she will stoop to nothing to hurt me, which I am sure includes vandalizing my car. I have already called and had a password put on my credit card accounts so that she cannot impersonate me anymore. I am going to call all of the credit bureaus and have a password or secret question put on so that she cannot apply for credit in my name. She knows all of my personal information (including my social security number, I don’t know how she got it) except for my address and I am not listed in the phone book so she can’t look it up.

I am going to speak with my family about this, and we are going to decide together what plan of action we need to take. I might have to not go visit my family if she is there, including holidays. I really do not want to do this but I cannot risk giving her the opportunity to make me a target anymore. I am just at a loss as to what to do. So far nothing I have done has worked, and I don’t know how much my family will be willing to do to help me not be a target.

So, what do you think? What would you do in my situation? I am 22 and she is 24. If you need to know anything else, just ask…
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Old 11-17-2006, 12:14 AM   #2
SteveDallas
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I have no advice--it's ugly. When my sister lifted a credit card of ours for drug money, she racked up $2,000+ before we found out about it. I really didn't have much choice except to file a police report over it. I'd rather have not, but I didn't have much choice. If I hadn't, I would have had to cover the charges, and it just wasn't possible even if I had felt like it. I might have chosen to eat $350, but not that much.

The real fix is to get rid of the drug problem. No easy answers there either I'm afraid--my sister was in & out of rehab and jail several times before she got straightened out. Of course at some point the family has to realize that they're not helping by being "nice", but we were well past that point before it did any good.
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Old 11-17-2006, 12:38 AM   #3
footfootfoot
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Judging from the experiences of friends of mine who've had similar problems with family members, it is either this or have her arrested and pretend you never had a sister. Her actions have opted her out of being "family." She may have some of the same genes as you, but she isn't family, she just a drug addict who is stealing from you.

And Al Anon is supposed to be pretty good for you.
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Old 11-17-2006, 12:45 AM   #4
wolf
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You have wandered into an area I know a lot about, luckily, not because of family involvement, but because this is part of what I do for a living.

Although I work in a mental health facility, I see a lot of people whose primary problem is drug use, and often engage in criminal behavior surrounding that already criminal activity. I have had a patient who stole duragesic patches and oxycontin from her mother who was dying of cancer because she wanted the cheap high. I have had patients who engaged in theft, robbery, and prostitution to support their habits. I have had patients engage in several varieties of fraud including writing bad checks, forging prescriptions, and credit card and identity theft, from families as well as strangers.

In short, I've pretty much seen it all ... it doesn't matter what drugs the person is using, the other behaviors tend to be similar.

Being nice, "helping," enabling, whatever you want to call it does not benefit the drug user in any significant way, and causes further hurt to you. Sometimes bridges need to be burned, and NOT rebuilt. You might be approaching one of those times.

You can do what you have been doing, or you can draw your own personal line in the sand. You've made some good moves are far as trying to protect your credit, but a decision needs to be made as to whether she remains a part of your life, or part of your past. You can call the police to report the credit card fraud. As bad as it would be for you personally, it's almost a shame it's not a higher amount, because the charges would be more serious.

Most of her getting sober is on her. She has to make that decision. She has to take the steps to find out where and how to get help, and how to either establish funding through medical assistance, or to see if there is a state or county program that will provide inpatient detox AND rehab (both are necessary for her to even have a chance at getting clean).

In most states drug and alcohol treatment must be voluntary. In the few states that do have involuntary commitment for D&A treatment, it's not clear whether it's even worth it ... off the top of my head, less than 2% of people who want to get clean manage to stay clean. Going into treatment is less than half of the battle. Once you're back out in the community, back to what AA and NA call your "People, Places, and Things," being back amongst all your old triggers for use, all your using friends, and all the places you went to use, the trip back to the bottom of the barrel happens even faster than before.

First step for you might be to make a connection with Al-Anon. Even if she's not a primary drinker, this is a well established organization that exists to support family members of people who use, and they can offer a lot of good information on how to proceed, and, if you're in the same community as your sister, a lot of information on local resources.

Good luck. You have tough choices to make here. Make sure that you have a good support network for yourself in this.

Progress usually can be measured in inches, not years.
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Old 11-17-2006, 01:21 AM   #5
Iggy
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Well, for one I have already had her arrested once and nothing came of it. She went to jail for a week, got out, and was put on probabtion again. I filed a police report Monday so that is out of the way. When I found out that she stole my credit card I knew I would be going to the police.

If my grandmother was not alive I would just pretend like I have no sister. I already know nothing I can do will help, and she needs to hit rock bottom. My grandmother is a huge enabler for her, and no matter what I say to her she just doesn't listen. But I can't help what she does, so I just have to seperate myself from the situation.

My problem is I love my grandmother and for the most part am pretty close with her. I don't want my sister to come between us, and that is basically what is happening. My grandmother is a devout Christian and so she is of the mind that you have to forgive someone no matter what. She is coming around somewhat, but she still enables Nicole because she would rather have her under her roof than on the streets doing who knows what.

The thing I don't think she sees is that my sister will do who knows what no matter where she is. I think it is way past time for the bridges to be burnt and NOT rebuilt, but I don't think my family is on the same page. And family is important to me, at least the ones that haven't fucked me over more times than I can count.

I think I might have to go to Al-Anon. She has been in and out of jail/juvie since she was 14. She has also been in drug treatment probably a couple dozen times. She tells them what they want to hear, and then gets out. It is always court ordered. I have lost all faith that the justice system will do anything about her. She always manages to do just under what could get her in deep shit.

Thank you all for your advice, but it seems as if this is a lose-lose situation. Unless my family realizes that I am doing what I have to do and what needs to be done (by cutting her as completely out of my life as I can) I am going to have to fight somewhat alone. I do have my SO with me. He has been the one to really help me realize how damaging she was being to me and help me come to terms with cutting her out of my life.

I know that once my grandmother passes away I will never see her again if I have anything to say about it. I am most likely going to change my phone number at that point so that she cannot even call me. But I can't do that until I am willing to not see my grandmother as she will not cut Nicole out of her life. Tough stuff. But thanks again for your thoughts.
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Old 11-17-2006, 01:57 AM   #6
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Forgiveness and allowing someone to keep abusing you have nothing to do with each other.
My wife has forgiven her abusive father, she has nothing to do with him because he has not gotten help... it is simple.
Get a lock for your room... that too is simple. If your grandmother does not allow that, move.
She is as much of the problem as your sister while you are living there... it may actually improve your relationship.
It is not "cutting her out of your life", it is moving on with a healthy life for yourself.
Family are those who love and support you. I have many people whom I am related to that are not my family and many whom are my family that I am not related to... again, the two have nothing to do with each other.
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Old 11-17-2006, 07:26 AM   #7
yesman065
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My ex-wife has done/does many of the same things - I stuck it out for 17 years as we have 3 children. Last year I called her on everything and basically told her "No more." Being catholic, I felt that I should stay with her and forgive. Ugghh! What a mistake that was. It wasn't so much that she was ruining her life it was also mine and the kids. She has stolen money and personal items from many members of my family, but when she emptied out the kids savings accounts, that was it.

I've been away for a year now and although its been hard at times, I am living again, actually living not just existing, as are my kids. There is nothing - NOTHING you can do other than to protect yourself and live YOUR life. She's a drug addict. Get as far away from her as you can. Get your finances protected (seems like you have) and move on. She is no longer your sister, she gave that up a long time ago and until she proves worthy, keep it that way.

I know all too well how badly you want to have a sister and all that goes with it, but there is no alternative. Live your life, its the only one you have. Make the best of it.
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Old 11-17-2006, 08:46 AM   #8
skysidhe
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I feel for ya Iggy.
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Old 11-17-2006, 09:20 AM   #9
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Forgiveness does not mean 'condoning' or 'excusing' someone's behavior. Forgiveness is for you, not for the person you are forgiving. It allows you to put to rest your anger and bitterness and fill that spot in your soul with something healthier.

Sadly, you are most likely going to have to write your sister off. Just as you would probably not associate with other drug addicts, you must remove her from your life. Dysfunction is contagious, in my opinion. When you have it in your life, it breeds more dysfunction. Always report her illegal activities as they relate to you, don't attend functions where she may be (explain to the family why), and protect your home and assets from her sticky fingers. The only thing you can do is hope and pray that she will one day hit bottom and wake up, before it's too late. You can't make Grandma stop being an enabler, either. She will have to recognize all on her own that she isn't helping by helping.

If your family refuses to recognize that you are behaving in the healthiest way possible, that is their problem. Family is important, but not to the point where they are detrimental to your well-being.

Good luck,

Stormie
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Old 11-17-2006, 10:14 AM   #10
Iggy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rkzenrage
Forgiveness and allowing someone to keep abusing you have nothing to do with each other.
Get a lock for your room... that too is simple. If your grandmother does not allow that, move.
She is as much of the problem as your sister while you are living there... it may actually improve your relationship.
It is not "cutting her out of your life", it is moving on with a healthy life for yourself.
Family are those who love and support you. I have many people whom I am related to that are not my family and many whom are my family that I am not related to... again, the two have nothing to do with each other.
I agree. However, I had a lock on my room when I still lived there. She would pick the lock and get in. That is why I moved over a month ago, and why she doesn't know my address.

She is no longer my family. She has gone too far too many times for me to just let it slide. I will forgive her (it is going to take time), but I do that for me. She could care less if I forgive her. But I don't have to trust her. And I don't have to let her hurt me anymore. It is just so hard to turn my back on my family because of her. I feel like that is one more thing she is stealing from me. But I feel I have no choice. I think I mainly wanted to see what others thought so that I can feel more confident in my decision.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stormieweather
Forgiveness does not mean 'condoning' or 'excusing' someone's behavior. Forgiveness is for you, not for the person you are forgiving.
Amen.
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Old 11-17-2006, 10:15 AM   #11
Iggy
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Thanks again for all your thoughts. It means a lot.
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Old 11-17-2006, 10:50 AM   #12
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I'm sorry to hear all this, Iggy. A drug addict loves only one thing: their drug of choice. Your sister doesn't love anyone in her family except for what she can get out of them. I think you have made the right choice and that one day the rest of your family will see the light, as well. There may be an actual human being there somewhere deep within your sister, but as long as she remains an active addict, you'll never see that human being - only an out of control monster.
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Old 11-17-2006, 11:11 AM   #13
Trilby
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Iggy-I am so sorry for this awful thing between you and your sister. I saw that you wrote grandma is a Christian and feels one should forgive. Ah! So true! However, the Bible states that God will NOT toil with a man's (or woman's) soul forever. There DOES come a point of no return for God and for the families of addicts, too. I think your sister has reached it.
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Old 11-17-2006, 11:38 AM   #14
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Hi-jack, sorry
Quote:
So true! However, the Bible states that God will NOT toil with a man's (or woman's) soul forever.
Where? Not that it matters, sure he gave up on me long ago.
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Old 11-17-2006, 11:38 AM   #15
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Good luck Iggy - you are doing the right thing even though it hurts.

I hope one day you might get your sister back. She doesn't love you right now, and she doesn't see you as a sister right now either - the addiction has eaten all of that up. You can only treat her as she treats herself, with no respect and without love until she resolves this for herself.
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