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Old 03-09-2014, 08:12 PM   #1
orthodoc
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Posts: 3,774
Sundae and me

I worked on this a little more ... comments/suggestions are welcome. It's a work in progress.

Sundae and me

It's Saturday and Sundae
can sleep in and catch up
on the sleep
that Ortho doesn't get
and neither has to wake up and listen to
Wake Up to Money

yet

Sundae and Orthodoc both
Watch black succumb to velvet blue
Our common star rises in the East
We both cleave to thoughts of you

Memories flow north into the Gyre that warms
The land that spawned us
Small miracles occur in unlikely places
Every hour is precious

Another day and once again the Merkins lose
an hour to Edison's greed
We do not agree

Any day that happens
is a good day
for Sundae and me
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Last edited by orthodoc; 03-09-2014 at 09:09 PM.
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Old 03-10-2014, 01:53 PM   #2
Sundae
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I like it.
But then I liked the original for its spontaneity.

Much as I adore poetry, in fact words in general, I have no patience myself in working on words.
So I admire.
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Old 03-10-2014, 01:58 PM   #3
Sundae
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Treading on your thread a little.
But this was the best place to put it for you to easily find it.

The Doctor and I

We're perfect on the outside;
Well, we look wonderful from a distance,
But inside things are molten, spawning chaos, out of alignment.

Circling in space and in our beds, Ortho and I
Exert our own gravity.

Mine I use to draw people into misery.
Orthodoc spins heads and hearts,
Heals and mends and bides and tends.
And I bake bread and bitch.

But miles apart
The world is waking up. The long sleep is
Over.
No false dawn could draw this immeasurable surprise
From the base mud.

And like lambs,
Orthodoc and I face this uncertain future.
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Old 03-10-2014, 03:51 PM   #4
DanaC
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Wow. Both of those are brilliant.


Quote:
Much as I adore poetry, in fact words in general, I have no patience myself in working on words
And yet, as is blindingly obvious to most of us, you're brilliant with words and have a poet's soul.

I still think you'd make an awesome travel writer. Nobody, but nobody, does travel reportage like you.
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Old 03-10-2014, 06:25 PM   #5
orthodoc
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I love it, Sundae! And I agree with Dana - your travel writing is wonderful. You should seriously consider it.
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Old 03-14-2014, 06:35 PM   #6
Bloke
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Good work, Sundae dudette! I'm crap at stringing words together at the best of times so it's nice to see how it should be done!
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