Corrupted Wish
The game goes something like this. Person 1 posts a wish. Person two grants the wish, but with some added feature that makes it a corrupted thing. Person 2 then posts their own wish. For example:
Person 1: I wish I had a million dollars
Person 2: You get a million dollars, but it comes in the form of an insurance check to cover the costs of your debilitating penis cancer.
I wish I was one of the cool kids
Person 3: You are one of the cool kids, but your neck strains from having to duck under your mother goat's belly to suckle. Still, those sunglasses do look cool.
I wish ....
You get the idea. I'll start
I wish I could lose 30 lbs and get in shape.
I wish I could lose 30 lbs and get in shape.
*evil chuckle*
Ok, you CAN lose 30 lbs. and get in shape but you have to eat less and
exercize! EVERY DAY!
Bwa-ha-ha-ha-hahahahahahahahah!! Ehx-cellent! :evil3:
I wish I had a sweet, kind boyfriend.
You lose 30 pounds and get in shape.. but it is because you lost a leg in a viscious moped drive-by ax chopping. You are in shape now because it is alot more work hobbling everywhere on one leg, the hospital ran out of wheel chairs and prosthetic limbs.
I wish I could move back to SoCal one day.
you lose the thirty pounds in a freak accident where you are pinned by your arm for 5 days under a rock. you have to cut your own arm off with a pen knife, losing 20 lbs. you lose the other ten and get in shape from starving, and walking the 4 miles back to your car.
I wish I had all of Jimmy Page's guitar skills and knowledge
*evil chuckle*
Ok, you CAN lose 30 lbs. and get in shape but you have to eat less and exercize! EVERY DAY!
Bwa-ha-ha-ha-hahahahahahahahah!! Ehx-cellent! :evil3:
I wish I had a sweet, kind boyfriend.
Of course he's sweet and kind he's gay as the day is long.
I wish my research paper was done.
I wish I had a sweet, kind boyfriend.
Poof! You have a sweet, kind boyfriend, but you have to blow him/take it up the rear anytime he asks and have dinner ready when he comes home from work.
I wish my wife hadn't've left me.
bullit-you move back to SoCal but the very next day it falls into the sea due to an earthquake of historical proportions.
LJ has all of Jimmy Page's guitar skills and knowledge, but you get into a lumberjack accident (maybe a tree falls on your SUV with you in it?) and you lose both hands and become deaf and dumb.
Griff, your research paper is done but, inexplicably, the prof runs it thru LookItUp.com and finds you've plagarized it. He reports you to the judiciary committee.
laebedahs, your wife returns to you and you have wild sex with her--but she gives you a scathing hot case of Herpes Simplex II.
Hmmm...this is going smoothly.
yeah, we don;t do rules well.
I wish we did, though
The new userbase includes a merger with Mennonite message board, and you will be banned for non-compliance.
I wish all spammers could be wiped off the face of the planet.
Griff:
Your paper *is* done, in fact, when you print out your final draft and submit it to your professor, you learn that it was done before. By someone else. You have to defend yourself against a charge of plagarism.
I wish I understood everything my wife said to me.
edit: I guess I should read the posts before I submit mine. I *honestly* didn't know Bri corrupted your wish in the same way I did. I swear! Wow. Talk about karma. yeesh!
All spammers mysteriously disappear from the planet, but the federal government passes a $10,000/year/user head tax on all ISPs and hosting services.
I wish I could be a working journalist.
You are but you cover the pizza delivery beat.
I wish my goats would stay in.
You are a working journalist, now that you have been fixed. In the cut off your balls sense of the word.
I wish I were turning 21 instead of 30 on Friday.
Bam! Griff's goats are now the most popular item on the catwalks, and from coast-to-coast their popularity is comparable to Paris Hilton's, and just as incomprehensible. The endless parade of dealmaking weasels at Griff's door ruins his life of rural ease.
I wish everyone would refresh the thread before submitting their reply.
i refreshed the thread box before replying, but in an unbelievable twist if irony, i was unable to think of anything whitty to reply with.
cock.
i wish you all thought that was as funny as i do
Everyone begins refreshing the thread. Everyone in the whole damn world. The resulting bandwidth spikes at 120gb per hour, costing UT billuns and billuns of cash money in hosting fees.
I still wish I were turning 21 instead of 30 on friday.
rofl...everyone except YOU!
You turn 21 and you realize how much everyone hates a confident poised 21 yo.
I wish I could score the winning goal in the world cup.
i wish you all thought that was as funny as i do
We do. Deep inside you know how funny that is.
I wish I was a successful dope farmer.
You score the winning goal in the world cup, with an amazing fly kick, but you land wrong and you femur bone penetrates your pelic bone severing your penis in front of the entire world.
I wish i could live the simple life in a beach cabin somewhere and just surf all day and sit by a bon fire all night..
Griff, you are a successful dope farmer--but your goats get out one night, eat your whole crop, and go on a rampage doing tens of thousands of dollars in damage to the city.
Sun_Sparkz, you live the simple life in a beach cabin--but the hurricane kills you a week later.
I wish I didn't hate my job.
An enterprising young HR exec sees "A Clockwork Orange", and brainwashes you into loving your job using the same therapies as they used on Alex.
I wish I were an Oscar Mayer weiner.
You find yourself in a dark place. It's hot and steamy. and crowded. there are two other prescences close by, but you cant see them. Only one eye seems to be working, and it's very dark. suddenly, you feel something heavy thump against you. then there is a horrifically loud rending sound, and light spills in around you. You are crushed between two giant blunt pincers. They pull on you until you feel like you might fly into the air, but then you realize that you have no legs or feet, and your body is planted tightly in the ground. Ground? no time to look any closer, your head is stretched forward by the pincers, and you feel a powerfull surge from within. opening your one good eye, you are confronted by an enormous urinal. The surge grows, and you feel a fluid rushing up within you, and now your sight goes blurry as it fountains out of your eye. All of the sudden, it dawns on you. You're a dick. Humiliated, you wait for the body to stop pissing you off. Just before it happens, you remember the shake. Oh no. You utter a quick prayer that he's not a wringer or a flicker. Before it comes, though, you hear a booming voice. this is not your body's voice. it comes from behind. "Oscar? Oscar Maier?" your body turns, exposing you to a view of a man in a mustard bottle costume. "Oscar! Man, I'ts been ages! How've you been!?"
Remembering your wish, you shrivel. you're an Oscar Maier Weiner.
I wish I had a bottomless bag of diamonds.
looking back at the long trail of glittering diamonds leading back up the side of the mountain, you suddenly wish you had asked for an endlessly refilling bag of diamonds, instead of just a bag with no bottom.
I wish I got to live 50 hours in every day, while everyone else still got 24.
I wish I got to live 50 hours in every day, while everyone else still got 24.
Smooth was enjoying his newly granted gift from the gods until one day. One day as he probed the alarming number of new wrinkles he saw in the mirror did he then understand that when he was effectively a decrepit one hundred years old, we would still be a youthful forty-eight.
I wish that I could know the answer to any question I asked.
Bam! You're Alex Trebek.
I wish we had a better political system.
Bam. Our political system now runs like clockwork. Too bad it's a dictatorship and you're in the work camp.
I wish my kids would do their chores without asking.
Your kids do their chores, but you are struck mute and your hands and arms fall off.
I wish I could predict the outcome of sporting events.
Poof!
You become a Pro Wrestling scriptwriter.
I wish I could keep my health indefinately.
even after the dozens of tests, the doctors still can't give you a definitive answer on why your teeth keep exploding.
I wish I could take financial risks without having any negative consequences.
Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose... You're broke.
I wish I had gotten a PhD.
A PhD is bestowed upon you from on high---too bad it's in proctology!
I wish I could control the entire world.
You control the entire world. You're not good at it, though.
I wish I would stop procastinating.
dude.
i was writing it before there were any more. edited to reflect the new entries
Granted.
It's only procrastination if you remember you didn't do it. Your chronic Alzheimer's removes this burden from you. You really enjoy the novelty of your velcro closing slippers, every morning.
I wish I wasn't afraid to wish for something that y'all'll just mess up.
You no longer fear wishing for things that Cellarites will subsequently mess up, however, coming to grips with your fear shatters your grip on reality, and you wander the streets talking to telephone poles and dogs, calling out Wolf's name.
I wish I could do plumbing work.
Granted.
You are cordially invited to our next holiday feast. We can put all the leaves in the table, break out the card tables, dirty every pot and pan in the kitchen and there will be wine and merrymaking and gustatory delights for all! But since our small old house has antique plumbing and *no* garbage disposal, you are guaranteed a shot at some plumbing work, after all that food will need to go somewhere, somehow, and soon. So pick up your tools and prepare to show your plumber's crack to all.
I wish this current stressful situation with my mom was successfully finished.
settled But your so happy about it you celebrate by buying 35 goats with forewarned repercussions at home. :smashfrea
I wish I could retire.
You retire, and 5 days later paper and electronic record of your existance vanishes, Social Security, everything; you get pulled over speeding to Wal*Mart and end up getting deported to Ukraine.
I wish i didn't have ADD.
Your attention span focuses and legthens, until you realize that you are OCD.
I wish we could eat dinner at 7:00 in the evening like normal people.
I wish we could eat dinner at 7:00 in the evening like normal people.
Every evening you sit down to dinner at 7:00 pm and have a nice hearty bowl of cheetos and grasshopper pie, washed down with warm, flat genny cream ale.
I wish I had more time in my darkroom.
The sun blows up and we all live in perpetual darkness. But then we freeze to death.
I wish I can finish my paper topic today.
You finish your paper topic today, but then you discover that you have forgotten to prepare for a test, you are going to class in nothing but your underwear, and you have forgotten your locker combination.
I wish that I *knew how* to do plumbing.
I wish that I *knew how* to do plumbing.
You are now able to flawlessly accomplish any plumbing task, due to the overnight "Edward Scissorhands"-type growth of plumber's tools on your arms and toilet plungers on your legs.
I wish I could get a scholarship to finish my Masters Degree.
You discover that by virtue of your name and birth date you qualify for a scholarship set up by an eccentric millionaire. It not only covers your tuition fees but also provides a housing, clothing & social budget. Wow!
Sadly, the year after you graduate there is a successful coup by a Khmer Rouge style regime. The educated and intellectual classes are forced to work menial and backbreaking tasks or risk torture and/ or summary execution.
I wish it was payday today instead of tomorrow.
Careful what you wish for. You may pick up your check at the front desk immediately. You're fired.
I wish I could remember the login credentials for this stinkin router.
You suddenly recall the login credentials, but are struck by a freak surge of electricity just as you finish typing them in on the keyboard. For the rest of your life, all you are able to say is, "username...password...username...password"
I wish that I could take a vacation trip.
you decide to take a little vacation trip. Unfortunately, you decide to take it in the copy room at work. The same day, your boss decides to do a random drug test, and they find the LSD in your pee.
I wish the little rubber pads on the bottom of my laptop didn't keep falling off.
The local hardware store has some ingenious doublesided tape that can be cut to fit those little feet and the sockets into which they fit. Voila'! The feet are firmly attached to your laptop. You discover that they are *permanently* attached when you try to follow the support tech's simple instructions to reset your machine and you cannot access the microswitch under the cover held in place by the screw forever hidden by the little rubber foot. But hey it will never mar your coffee table.
I wish I had sufficient discipline in my personal life to exercise more.
You begin to exercise with an almost religious-like fervor, but keep at it until you make
this guy look normal. You are unable to bend your arms enough to feed yourself, become bedridden, and waste away to a former shadow of your less-active self.
I wish I had a nice, quiet, 9-5 office job.
You get a nice, quiet, 9-5 job working in Bill Clinton's office. Fellating him.
I wish they'd let me take home a copy of the software I installed at work today.
Your employer lets you take home a copy of the software you installed at work today, then a coworker turns both you and your boss in for piracy in order to receive financial gain, and remove the last two obstacles to their advancement.
I wish that the Chiefs were 6-0 right now.
the morning paper arrives with CHIEFS 6-0 in bold on the cover. In reading the story though, you find that Priest Holmes tore an ACL, and is done for the year.
I wish the next person to post would think of something really really funny to say.
The next person to post says something really, really funny, and you laugh so hard that you aspirate your ham and cheese sandwich, falling forward and impaling your head on the hood ornament of the Lexus SUV you were dealing for as a tradein on a new hybrid econobox. It takes three hours to surgically remove the smile from the face of the customer, who dies laughing.
I wish that the Chiefs had two Larry Johnsons to take up the rest of Priest Holmes' slack this season.
granted. the chiefs now have 2 Larry Johnsons. the only problem is: their both Ghey and so into each other no one can get them to come out of the showers for any practices, let alone games.
i wish i had an ice cold heineken right now.
You have an ice-cold heineken -- thrown in your face by the attractive chick you just insulted at a bar. And her steroid-using boyfriend is coming over to see what the fuss is all about...
I wish my boss would see why his idea won't work.
poof... you're in a dark bar, one hand outstretched to call for a heineken. you accidently hit a 300 pound guy with a shaved head and more tatoos than smart asses on this board. he grabs you, growls with fetid breath into your face, turns you over, rips your pants off, tears your underwear away while pounding you in the face with the table.
Then he grabs his unopened heineken...and gives it to you in yours.
I wish I was as creative as you guys.
Pie's boss is darclauz. Upon realizing that his idea won't work, darclauz wishes for the creativity of everyone else on the cellar. He starts writing bad poetry, diatribes about politics and religion, and far more information about his sexual preferences than anyone ever asked to hear. However, the lumberjim-penned erotic fanfic about pie/darclauz quickly becomes an internet favorite, surpassing TiNP and IOTD in hitcount and garnering high marks from c|net. There is really no downside to any of this, other than LJ starts getting more spam than usual from a fisting site.
I wish I hadn't taken that cold medicine.
pie - your boss suddenly realizes that his idea won't work, blames you for it and fires you. all while writing up a huge change order for the client. the next thing you know you go for the
World Record (SCF)
i wish that i were fishing right now.
[size=1]scf on those last three guys![/size] :lol2:
Zap! Plt is fishing, when suddenly a catfish of apocalyptic proportions leaps from the pond and swallows him whole. Sadly, it is only following his watery, smelly demise that the Astros win four straight to emerge victorious in the 2005 World Series.
I wish I had a Ritz.
POOF - here's your Ritz cracker, but on realizing you need something to top it with you go stir crazy and end up terrorizing a
boutique
yeah. i WISH the astros could win just
one world series game...
The Astros take it home! The Feebs, in as much amazement as the rest of the country, start suspecting fraud and investigate. One googler runs across plthijinx's wishes and starts to suspect. He traces plthijinx to a mob-run scam of fraud and corruption, and plthijinx ends up in a cell with a roommate named "bubba", who, coincidentally, is in there for shoving a heine up someone's hiney.
I wish I could hit the lottery and retire, and spend all my time posting on the Cellar.
The educated and intellectual classes are forced to work menial and backbreaking tasks or risk torture and/ or summary execution.
Whew! thanks! I was afraid somebody would say that the condition of my scholarship was that I had to work for 10 years in Fresno to pay it off :p
darclauz hits the armored truck hauling the lottery cash. Unfortunately the exploding dye in the bags is permanent. You are filthy rich with purple money. Spend it and you'll have little else to do but post on the cellar when the man says you can.
I wish I had sharpened my saw last night so Grifftopia was easily accessable.
Oh but you did sharpen your saw last night, sharper than Wolf's wit, and as you negotiate access to Grifftopia with it you accidentally nick yourself with it. A very small, tiny nick to a very large, important artery. As your last few drops of blood spurt out of your now pale body, Grifftopia is fully and transcendentally revealled to you. You decide it isn't what it was cracked up to be.
I wish I could drink as much beer as I wanted with out getting drunk or fat or having that "bloated feeling" Also I wish my favorite beer was less expensive.
footfootfoot...runs across a salesalesale and buysbuysbuys. dumps the milk, dumps the unleaded. beer from foot's foot to foot's eyelashes, then settles down to drinkdrinkdrink. unable to feel any effects..no weight gain, no drunk, no bloat... footfootfoot continues to drinkdrinkdrink, until, in an unexpected twist, a bladder bursts all over footfootfoot's foot. last thought: hey... that's ironic.
i wish i knew whether foot was a boy or a girl. =)
footfootfoot has a cockcockcock. you do the math
i wish i knew if darclauz had ovaries
the painful burning in your rectum stands as a clear indication that darclauz in fact has a penis. a large one. with a piercing.
I wish I could find another Hammond B3 for sale.
You find a B3 in beautiful condition available from a widow lady who doesn't know what it's worth. She sells it to you cheap. While you and your buddies are hauling it to the truck you drop it... on your hands. The doctor who is trying to put your hands back together thinks you might be showing some signs of arthritis too.
I wish my memory was better.
(aside for the unmusical - the Hammond B3 organ produces a beautiful and unique tone. Really good for jazz and rock. They were out of production for quite some time, but Wikipedia says that Hammond has started making them again, so you might look for a new one, smooth.)
You have your wish! Your memory is so much better that in fact you remember everything you see, hear, or read. You remember all the lyrics to every Barry Manilow song ever written, all the 3 Stooges dialog, and the complete text of Myra Breckenridge. Soon your brain is so loaded that you are unable to sleep, you don't dare turn on the television because you will remember flawlessly everything you see, and you do not dare sign on to The Cellar because you now will remember every single word written by Urbane Guerrilla.
I wish my internet connection was DSL.
(aside for the unmusical - the Hammond B3 organ produces a beautiful and unique tone. Really good for jazz and rock. They were out of production for quite some time, but Wikipedia says that Hammond has started making them again, so you might look for a new one, smooth.)
the new ones are for shite. i've already got a mid-60s B3, I'm looking for another one that I can chop up and turn into a road rig.
the new ones are for shite.
I dunno.
Legacy sounds pretty fine to me. Listen to
dot com eyes.
Tonchi wakes up one morning to discover that she has miraculously gotten DSL overnight. Unfortunately, she left her computer on and had never bothered with a firewall, so her machine is groaning under the load of viri and spyware it contains. The only thing worse is that her hard drive is completely filled with spam emails and adult anime featuring Sailor Moon.
I wish I had any self-discipline.
Elspode has an extraordinary amount of self-discipline. Nature compensates, however, by removing his intelligence. He goes 3 weeks without a bowel movement, just to show that he can. Three staffers at the colonic irrigation clinic resigned in protest.
I wish I knew how to convince people not to commit adultery.
After wasting your breath on these stupid people you have a brainstorm! You decide that experience is the best teacher. You hook up with the hawt MILF wearing the short skirt in the front row. It is fantastic! It is so mind-blowingly off the scale stimulating in *every* way you begin to wonder why you ever opposed the idea in the first place. As you ponder this, your refractory period is interrupted by a loud thud in the other room, a bright flash of light that rapidly fades to darkness and the contrast of the of the cool bathroom tile on the side of your face to the spreading sweet pool of warmth coming from the back of your head. You do not suffer.
Nor do you live to see the garish tabloid-noir pictures splashed on the front page of you, or what was left of you splashed around the bathroom and the hands of the jealous husband. You wish is granted as you serve as an astonishingly and revoltingly potent example or why adultery is a bad idea.
I wish more people were content with less stuff.
A wormhole opens in space and swallows the Earth. Through some unknown, but undoubtedly pretty damn complex process, everyone is hurled back through time, and all of their stuff vanishes, save for the merest necessities of life. People look around at the fresh air, the simpler world they live in, and are immediately content. They are, in fact, so content, that they become super-Luddites, and refuse to develop any of the lost technologies...even the essential ones.
Everyone dies from the common cold.
I wish the correct fax number had been put on this damn lien waiver.
Elspode has an extraordinary amount of self-discipline. Nature compensates, however, by removing his intelligence. He goes 3 weeks without a bowel movement, just to show that he can. Three staffers at the colonic irrigation clinic resigned in protest.
sidebar: this is some funny shit
great, now this thread will devolve into bunch of crappy puns.
I, for one, think that stinks.
Poof! Thread is rerailed from peril of bad puns. Unfortunately, all the humor is on the side of the tracks and replies glide by unemcumbered by humor as well. Granted wishes come with generic corruptions like, you get your wish then die. Next.
I wish lumberjim would construct his next couple of replies to this thread in his poet mode.
[big black guy voice]watch while i soliloquize yo ass.[/bbgv]
his wish granted
his ass planted
in a chair
under his hair
big V, you must see
wishes he was me
now exposed,
he feels hosed
now i wish
for some fish
on my fish wish dish.
[CENTER]
LJ has his fish
too bad they are piranha
skeleton remains
a coming winter
of unfailing contenment
wished for in the fall
[/CENTER]
Poof!
Grouper, Tuna, Salmon, Bass
Compared to lj' poetics,
I generate more hysterics.
Now you all can kiss my ass.
A wish? Not really, a fervent hope
Is really more like it.
Saw the bait, took it.
Please, :ipray: don't sound like a dope.
A bored fairy godmother, having seen SM's beautifully expressed, but sadly misspelled wish, waves her wand and grants him a winter of containment (because she can't spell very well, either)...in the Colorado State Penitentiary.
I wish I could play Blues and sing like the guy I'm listening to now on the station BigV turned me on to.
I refuse to corrupt this wish. Next caller, please. I'm listening too.
I wish you all could hear it.
You posted the name so we all could, but none of us get it.
I wish I had a better photo for that other thread.
I dunno.
Legacy sounds pretty fine to me. Listen to dot com eyes.
But is it recorded on newly manufactured B3? I mean, how do we know it isn't a vintage unit he's playing, here?
Holy..... that's a biggun.
I wish I could un-see that
(well, that and the goatse thing)
But is it recorded on newly manufactured B3? I mean, how do we know it isn't a vintage unit he's playing, here?
Not proof positive, but
wikipedia says it is. Look down to the bottom.
Well, I'd be willing to bet it sounds great, but it ain't a real B-3.
Digital recreations of old analogue electro-mechanical/electronic musical instruments are truly impressive, but they are *not* the real deal. Sampling and modeling do not a B-3 or a Moog make.
Ask anyone who plays them. Most working musicians will shrug and say something like, "Hey, it sounds close enough, and it is a lot easier to road; more reliable." But ask someone who is into the devices themselves and they'll tell you...it ain't the same.
SM, feel free to jump in anytime.
Els learns to sing the blues with skill, range, power, and feeling. Especially with feeling - because the real reason he sings the blues so well is that he he made a deal for it. And he knows that eventually he will have to pay the price the Robert Johnson paid.
I wish could afford to put new windows in this old house.
Digital recreations of old analogue electro-mechanical/electronic musical instruments are truly impressive, but they are *not* the real deal. Sampling and modeling do not a B-3 or a Moog make.
Ah. Should have read more carefully. I went right for the part that said Jimmy Smith used it. And he was able to get some good sound out of it, if that is a new model on the album.
you get a call from the local glazier, you won a lucky draw and you get new tinted windows in the entire house, Only it takes you three months to realise they put them in back the front so you have been sleeping/ cooking/ lovemaking/ walking around naked/ bum scratching in front of all your neighbours. They have now set up deckchairs on your front lawn.
I wish that i could be free of debt.
The flies raze your house, eating with the fervor of long starved locusts. The insurance adjustors come to what's left of the place, step over a single happy goat (what the hell is it with goats and the cellar?) and offers to write you a check. You happily accept, and the person behind that is a debt collector. He snatches the check, turns to walk away, turns back, and snatches the goat. Paid in full, he says over his shoulder. Have a nice day.
I wish that pumpkin picture didn't remind me so much of my motherinlaw.
poof , you are looking in a mirror .
I wish I was independently wealthy .
I wish that pumpkin picture didn't remind me so much of my motherinlaw.
No problemo. Your mother in law is going to show up at your house during the Halloween party that you and 100 of your closest friends are having and prove to you indisputably that her tushy looks nothing like that butt-o-lantern picture. But one of your neighbors will sell the photo of your mother-in-law's version to that website and it will replace the one that disturbed you before.
I wish somebody would come and clean my house, of DIRT, that is, and not the stereo, etc :P
Poof , a crew apears and clears your house of ALL dirt , sheet rock is made of gipsome , no sheet rock , just bare timbers ,
I wish the world was at peace .
Thanks, Zippyt, that's MUCH better now :)
I wish the world was at peace .
"That was SETI, Mr. President. They've been monitoring a repeating signal emanating from the Andromeda galaxy, Sir."
"Its getting stronger."
The world is at peace. Ever since Bin Laden's minions took over total control of the planet following their acquistion of strategic nuclear arms, their brute-force rule has subdued even the most determined freedom fighters. The smoldering remains of NYC, London and Tokyo stand as mute testament to the enduring peace of Allah.
I wish I didn't have so many mistakes to correct.
Poof, no mistakes to correct. Everyone else is right, *you* are wrong. Prepare to be "re-educated".
I wish Bush, Cheney and Rove were indicted.
I just can't do it.
ok. *sigh* They're indicted. Evidence against disappears, spin machines weave web of opposition malfeasance. Groundswell of righteous anger at the anti-patriotic attitudes of everybody that doesn't match exactly the profile of the right kind of people causes the silent majority in the middle to see that it's safer to be "one of them". The last crumbling stones of our constutional foundation are blasted away and GWB is installed as the great protector for the period of uncertainty, while terrorismists skulk in the shadows, he will lead our great nation in the righteous path of rightness. When the danger has passed, he will step down, and not until then. He will "stay the coarse".
I wish I would wake up and find this all was a bad dream.
You wake from a nightmare about Bush Jr. becoming President to find that you are still smack in the midst of the Clinton years. But are you awake, or are you still dreaming?
I wish the United Nations would just go away.
The United Nations goes away. Suddenly, everyone has to argue it out the old fashioned way, and, discovering that they can't afford it, decides to try and bankrupt each other out of existence.
I'll let you know how it works out... :lol:
I wish that my junk would haul itself to the landfill tomorrow morning.
I wish that my junk would haul itself to the landfill tomorrow morning.
It does! And that includes all your junk mail, which ends up in the landfill without you ever having to touch it. Unfortunately, included in the load were reminders carrying your Social Security number, bank account number, and the PIN to your ATM card. The bonanza is discovered by garbage pickers hired by the Russian Mafia to winnow for such info and you will be receiving statements confirming "your" purchases all over the world by next month.
I wish I owned a Jaguar convertible instead of a Saturn coupe.
Your wish is granted. Your new convertible .. is chock full of jaguars .. who are ripping through the ragtop. Hmmm. I wonder if you can make to the house in time?
I wish everyone would treat each other with respect.
wrong thread.
Oh, ok. Everyone respects each other, and for good reason, since the shoot first ask questions later expanded castle doctrine he's in my space and I *don't* have to yield state of affairs in FL has been expanded nationwide as Jeb Bush's first act as POTUS. (How many of these dang bushes are there anyway?!). Since *everybody's* packin heat, respect is rampant in the country. Unfortunately no one wants to brave the streets and our economy atrophies from fear, I mean respect. Now we have to teach those squirrels and feral cats a thing or two about "respect" to put meat on the table.
I wish I knew at 21 what I know now.
At the age of 21 you suddenly become full of adult knowledge, and grasp the reality of the human condition for the first time. However, since your brain is not actually done forming, your neurons overload, smoke pours out of your ears, nose, and eyesockets and you become a gibbering idiot. However, you find that with your newfound insight you are vastly more appreciative of the softness of the walls in Wolf's Palace o' Loonacity.
I wish that I had the body of a Goddess other than the Venus of Willendorf.
Poof you are the venus demilo , all stone and no arms
I wish i didn't have to work this sunday
You go to your boss and tell him you can't work on sunday because you have to remember the sabbath day and keep it holy. Because you know he checks up on you, you head off to church for the first time in years, going to the nearest church in your neighborhood. They are a small, but welcoming sect of Snake Handlers. They insist that you handle the snakes as on your first visit you are surely especially blessed by God. God knows what the snake handler pastor does not, that you are just there to avoid working on a Sunday and you are bitten by a record 6 snakes. Just before you lose all sensation in your body and void your bowels, you realize that your workload for today would have involved addressing and mailing an envelope full of completed reports to the corporate office.
I wish all of my debt was paid off.
You get this cryptic letter from a lawyer about an inhertance from this ex-crasy preson that you helped lead down the streight and narrow , said nut gets their shit togather , goes on their med , goes to school , becomes a DOT.Com millionair , has a reaction from the meds , sues the drug company for billions , WINS , dies , leaves you EVERYthing , you pay off your debt , buy all the shooty toys you could ever imagen , big house in the country with built in ranges , rally track , etc,,, then the feds break down your door and seize EVERYTHING , put you in jail for some trumped up charges , you bug out , and find out what the rubber room feels like from the inside ,
rember NO DEBT
I used to work with a guy that was a babtist minister in the way back wilds of TN , he told me that every now and then he would have parishniers come up to him and say " Brother *** , God is telling me to handle snakes "
I wish my camping truck would start and keep running !!!
I wish all of my debt was paid off.
As you unlock your office door to begin what was expected to be a routine shift, you are startled to see Vito, Big Dom and Rocco the Blade lounging in and about your office - Rocco holding your cactus plant precariously close to the window ledge expressing his deep concern for its welfare while Big Dom calmly peruses heretofore unseen photos of Forks past taken from unknown vantage points.
Vito calmly explains that your financial obligations have been "taken care of." Vito continues to explain that there's a certain patient whose testimony will be exceptionally detrimental to the defense of a certain individual in an upcoming trial....
I wish I had the athletic ability of Lance Armstrong.
poof you can do what lance does , but strangley , you all ways seem to veer to the right , then you notice why , you gave your left nut to be like Lance ( I have NO idea which nut he lost )
I wish the folks down the way would STOP burning brush !!!!!!!
they do, but only long enough to gather up some rubber tires and sulfer logs.
You know how the green lantern can control the color green? I want to be like that, but have complete control over prime numbers.
You have complete control over prime numbers, but you suddenly realize that you have no earthly idea why you wanted that power. The emptiness of doubt fills you to overflowing, and you sit staring vacantly into space for the rest of your natural life.
I wish I was done cleaning out the garage.
I wish I was done cleaning out the garage.
The garage is now clean. Damn clean. To celebrate, you head into the kitchen in search of a beer and in the fridge you find not a beer but a transmission, four quarts of oil, a box of finishing nails, some duct tape, spare plumbing parts and, oh, a jar of pickle juice and a packet of duck sauce.
I wish I could think of a wish that can't be corrupted.
You do, you wish the Sun to come up tomorrow. Unfortunately an overnight series of wordwide volcanos pollute the air so badly, nobody can tell. :(
I wish the Cellar would get linked on slashdot.
That's an easy one. The Cellar is linked on Slashdot and becomes permanently slashdotted.
I wish I could find my glasses.
is the clutter in your garage broken down neatly into groups of 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11? cuz if so, I can totally take care of that for you ...
Well, I'd be willing to bet it sounds great, but it ain't a real B-3.
Digital recreations of old analogue electro-mechanical/electronic musical instruments are truly impressive, but they are *not* the real deal. Sampling and modeling do not a B-3 or a Moog make.
Ask anyone who plays them. Most working musicians will shrug and say something like, "Hey, it sounds close enough, and it is a lot easier to road; more reliable." But ask someone who is into the devices themselves and they'll tell you...it ain't the same.
SM, feel free to jump in anytime.
You were saying? :)You find your glasses, but on the table in the interview room where the police placed them, after THEY found them at the scene of a peeping tom.
I wish I had a Second Cup coffee shop closer to my home...
A Second Cup Coffee Shop opens closer to your home. In fact, your home and the surrounding neighborhood is demolished to make way for the Second Cup, a Lowes, and a Super Walmart.
I wish there were some clever shows on television.
all media BUT television is here by banned , no books , no mags , NO NET !!!!!
The net is just simply turned OFF !!!!!!!
nothing but MUST SEE TV!!! ,
the official viewing device is a head harness with eye lid clamps , and big dudes to clamp it on !!!,
nothing BUT Clever shows ( with subliminal re-education footage in the back ground ) to watch , All HAIL GWB and the american republic !!!!!!
I wish that i could hit the powerball lotto numbers !!!
Congratulations, you DO hit the powerball numbers, as well as two officials of the Lottery, with a sledge hammer you are wielding as you rush screaming onstage to demolish the studio where the drawing is being held. Police and security guards finally manage to subdue you and haul you away. The next day, papers all over the worldwill describe the rampage by a gentleman from Arkansas who went berserk when none out of the 10,563 lottery numbers he bought at bars this month was drawn. Wolf will keep us posted on your status :(
I wish we didn't have to switch our clocks back tonight.
I wish there were some clever shows on television.
And in a stunning development, the original cast of Saturday Night Live sans John Belushi and Gilda Radner have decided to reunite and produce a weekend variety show several orders of magnitude more entertaining than the recycled cud late-night weekend viewers are now limited to.
I wish I knew when I was going to die.
I wish I knew when I was going to die.
NOW! :shotgun:
I wish I knew what to do with this body.
bury it , beestie will start stinking after a few days left un refrigerated .
I wish i could not have to work , but still earn $1,000,000 a month for the rest of my life
granted. unfortunately for you, your dog, Ollie, is the only one who can spend it. All he sees fit to buy is milkbones and fire hydrants.
i wish my sister wasn't such a bitch.
[size=1]then again, she's a lawyer, what'd i expect?[/size]
Your sister discovers the joy of Prozac. She becomes a very mellow and pleasant person. And now pretty much sucks as a lawyer. And you know, her husband Bubba has a bad back and has been out of work for a month of Sundays. So she, Bubba, and little Bubbas number 1 through number four are coming to live with you. Won't that be nice?
I wish this bug was already fixed.
The bug IS already fixed...everything you're doing now is screwing things up worse than ever. :shock:
I wish I could turn back the clock a few weeks.
You turn the clock back a few weeks. Whatever you wish you had or had not done/said/witnessed/experienced is now granted. However, because of the laws of irony, you learn that timeless "be careful what you wish for" lesson. You recover, however, and life goes on pretty much as if nothing had happened. However, one night you start thinking, "If I can go back in time, can't anyone else? How many people are doing it right now? How many have I talked to that are actually reliving the moment for more than one time? If they are experiencing a moment with me for a second time, am I also experiencing it again? What if the current moment isn't current at all, but part of a "past" for someone else? Am I a replayed video, not even alive except for in the memory of another?"
You go batshit insane. The upside is, wolf stops by to visit when her shift is up and you both plot world domination over cookies and milk.
I wish I had worked out this summer.
The bug IS already fixed...everything you're doing now is screwing things up worse than ever. :shock:
Scariest corruption ever. 'Cause it could be true. :lol:
I wish I had worked out this summer.
Ah, but you did.
You worked out so much that you body has become a hard, chisled, godlike icon to all that know you. But, now, you are a slave to working out. You work out so much that your ego says that you can benchpress more than you should. In the final seconds of your life, as the 900 pound-laden bar slams into your neck, nearly severing your head, the last thought in your mind is "This will end badly."
I wish Microsoft would stop programming Windows to crash on a regular basis.
Microsoft reveals and markets a stupendous new version of Windows that never crashes and always works. However, this is only because the new version, dubbed "Windows 666", has been cursed by Satan, and soon all PC users are merrily computing their way into Hell. Mac owners, as always, are smugly secure in their choice of computers.
I wish closing day was complete.
Granted. Closing day (?) is complete. Unfortunately, there's always a catch, isn't there? Unfortunately, as the day draws to a close, um. Sadly, the day is closed. Completely closed. So closed that there is no memory of it. So completely closed completely that its as if it were never open. :dizzy:
I wish I had a clue about what closing day completion was all about.
You get a clue about what closing day completion is, sadly, its one of those "if I tell you I will have kill you" thingo's and now you must be dead :)
I wish my jeans would stop slipping off my arse.
Granted, the arse keeps slipping off of your jeans, leaving a massive hole in the rear.
I wish I could find the chords to all the Warren Zevon songs.
After years of study, practice, ear training, graduate school, and lessons, you finally sit down to analyze your Warren Zevon collection, only to find that you've become an elitist musical prick and no longer care about Warren Zevon.
If it's not Donald Crockett aleatoric mixed-meter, it's not music!
I wish I had a bacon ciabbatta burger in my hand right now.
The resulting arterial plaque fits right into that tiny little space in your aorta where blood was still getting though, just like a key into a keyhole. As you grab your chest your last memory is of the magnificent taste of that burger, and you realize that you would have rather had a double chocolate shake for your last meal.
I wish I had a maid.
her name is Juaneeta , she cleans like a dream never complaining , untill one day you come home to find that she has cleaned you OUT , every thing even the furniture .
I wish I had a cold beer , right now !!
Juanita brings your beer as well. What goes around comes around Bro.
I wish I didn't get brain freeze from my blender drink.
Ok no more brain freeze , but you can't seem to rember how to hold a glass , or what a glass is , or what what is as you suddenly have NO brain .
I wish I had DSL
You now have a Doctorate in Scientology Living. Good luck with that.
Now I wish I had another blender drink.
You do , but its a Bass-o-Matic version !!!
I wish I could post pics on the cellar !!
Wish granted!! You are able to post many a wonderful pic whenever/where ever you deem fit.
Uh oh, your system gets hacked by some clever lil cellarite and your private collection of ...umm...tasteful poses in your partner's clothes gets posted in the WTF thread :eek2:
I wish for something magical.
Good health, love and good sex can feel like a life blessed but I mean something really magical. The last time I experienced magic I smoked peote. That was like....a looooong time ago. * slump* ( I wish for good health) Send me your wishes.
You are magically transformed into a very healthy turtle. As you cross a road, a car crushes you.....splat!
I wish for peace on earth and goodwill for all.
Granted, but nobody likes a smartass (and who else would make a wish like that?), and so in the spirit of goodwill you are lynched.
I wish I could, somehow, go see the July 3rd, 1973 David Bowie concert at the Hammersmith Odeon. The last show as Ziggy Stardust, ever.
You are so excited at the prospect of seeing the concert that you carefully prepare for just the right level of *high* as Bowie walks onto the stage. However, you calculate based on your youthful tolerance levels, and your adult self sees the entrance, and promptly passes out.
I wish that I had the perfect ham sandwich.
Poof the perfect ham sandwich appears in your hand , but You find your self in Bagdad with an angry crowd around you , seems you appeared in the middle of an extream insurgents meeting , there you are a woman with OUT a head cover , AND with a HAM sandwich !!! Just how much ammo DO You carry ???
I wish that I could win the $114 Mil Powerball lotto .
You do win! But due to a computer error so do 113 million other people. This leads to the largest class-action suit in history, and 5 years later after the lawyers have taken their cut, your share is $1.53.
I wish I could train T'Pau, Queen of the Universe, to use the toilet and flush it like the cat in Meet the Parents.
You receive the Meet The Parents DVD as a gift and repeatedly watch the sequence of the cat using the toilet with T'Pau. Spontaneously, T'Pau starts using and flushing the toilet all by herself. One day, you notice that all the toilet's contents have not flushed properly and there are tiny bags of an unknown substance left in the bowl. You finally realize how T'Pau became Queen of the Universe!
I wish that I could watch a grudge match between Colin Powell and Donald Rumsfeld.
Bam - your wish is granted. Unfortunately, the grudge match is over which one gets you as their prison bitch while serving out life terms at Gitmo.
I wish i could get this stale cigar taste out of my mouth.
You look over your shoulder, and suddenly two beautiful, Amazon women are forcing you to the floor. While one holds you down, the other urinates into your mouth.
I wish I had a nickel for every time someone said something stupid to me.
You are magically transformed into a very healthy turtle. As you cross a road, a car crushes you.....splat!
I wish for peace on earth and goodwill for all.
aww :sniff: I hate contradictions. You'll be given an assignment in a tropical jungle. There you are to bring good will to the natives. Unfortunate for you the natives lop off your head,boil it to shrink and tie your mouth shut so you can't lie anymore.
...the end :sniff: ......such a sad story too.
A truck full of nickels leaving the mint loses control and drives off of a bridge and falls onto you, severing your legs & removing your genitalia. Ironically your pay-out from the initial compensation from the government is the exact amount of the nickles, which matches the number of times people have said stupid things to you. It was a big truck.
I wish for a magical rainbow beer fountain... each fount is a different brew from lager to stout.
Boom a beautiful beer fountin , 1 problem , ,,, its all USED beer !!!
I wish I had a porsche
Fine.... you got one, filled with my beer.
I want a vacation.
*poooof* you arrive at your isolated beach shack with full babysitting facilities....but the travel agent neglected to tell you of the giant monitor lizard problem!! You spend the entire week fighting off an infection which turns to gangrene and well...you get the rest.
I want a packet of TimTams that never runs out.
You're walking on the beach in New Zealand a tambourine, and devil, and a magic lamp appears in the sand. You pick up the lamp up, rub it off and a blue gin appears in a puff of (smoke of your choice) with a bottomless package of Tin Tams but we know you are only going for unlimited Tim Tams for the alcolhol content, and only wished for Tim Tams/not (rehab)spin-dry so you wonder aimlessly on the beaches of New Zealand, drunk on Tim Tams, and banging your tambourine for Tazzies...
I wish I was a mermaid
When you look in your pocket you discover the packet of TimTams which never runs out has appeared. You rip it open and settle down to watch TV while enjoying the bounty, but you discover that although you have eaten enough of the little buggers to cure you of the desire permanently, the package keeps spilling TimTams onto the table. The table fills up and they start rolling across the floor. You sweep them all out the door, but by the time you wake the next morning your house is 3 feet deep in TimTams. You start mailing boxes of the things to everybody you know at The Cellar, but they just keep coming. The Food Bank refuses to accept anymore of them. Film crews arrive to document your dwelling with streams of TimTams pouring out all the windows. The Australian Environmental Protection Agency declares your property a toxic waste dump when they discover you have been burying them in the back yard at night. Fortunately, when you are booked into prison, they take away all your clothes and possessions, so the bottomless packet of TimTams goes into the police Evidence Room.
I wish I had a VCR that didn't break all the time.
Your vcr is completely sound but still bitter over beta SONY finally buys out ever tape manufacturer and shuts them down, starting your serial relationship with low quality dvd players.
I wish the Cellar music project would include a ska speed metal version of the Skye Boat Song.
I just uploaded the song to cmep2, enjoy! Oh yeah, it was carrying a nasty virus that didn't actually wipe out your data, though you wish it had. Instead it qiuetly began downloading innapropriate materials and emailing them to everyone in your address book, while simultaneously taunting the feds with info that you have been downloading unlicensed music.
I wish I could get a little bit of help with the projects around here.
In a flash of light, a midget appears, walks over to your least pressing project, performs 30 seconds of labor on it, and vanishes in an equal flash of light, leaving you realizing that you have, indeed, just received a *little bit of help*.
I wish I had seen, in person, the Eagles concert which I am presently watching on Bravo.
Since time travel is not going to be an option within your lifetime, you despair of ever having your wish granted. Tired of not getting your way with anything, you decide to become a Mormon. You really get into your new religion, you love giving orders and making things happen and after many years you eventually rise to a very high position in the Salt Lake City Temple. Your word is law, you are considered a very holy person, and when you die you definitely go to heaven with a fast track for advancement. After several millenia of increasingly impressive reincarnations, you reach the ideal pure state of being which all Mormon men may aspire to and you become a god yourself, with your own universe and the works. One day, inbetween creating planets and people to worship you, you suddenly remember that long-long-ago concert by the Eagles. Ah HA! Now you are God and you can go back and watch that concert in person, just like you always wanted to. So you do :D
I wish I could get 8 hours of sleep every night and wake up feeling perfectly well.
Granted. In fact, you feel so good, you resolve to work to your fullest. You quickly rise to CEO of a powerful international company, at which point you are shot dead by a mod hitman for no reason that you can see.
I wish I were in the land of cotton...
You find yourself in the antebellum South, a slave singing mournful Negro Spirituals as you struggle to pick cotton in the fields under the hot, Southern, Summer sun.
I wish I had the presentation for the lecture I foolishly agreed to give during my vacation finished.
Okay, your lecture is finished, but so is your vacation.
I wish my Mac's battery hadn't just died.
It wasn't the battery; it was the motherboard.
I wish I was better at thinking up birthday presents for family.
(You are probably right, HM. Woe is me!)
I wish I could talk like Margaret Cho.
------------------------------------------
You can't even get to me. I got special service, boundaries like the rings of Saturn. I am protected. I am four – five faggots deep all around me, who don't see your name on the list, who will not let you in here looking like that, who will hold you in a cold, hard, unflinching stare or back hand compliment you until you cry. Yes I have security tighter than Ryan Seacrest's asshole, at least as tight as his publicist says it is.
-Margaret Cho-
You think of the perfect gift every time, but you have no means of expressing what it is or aquiring it.
I wish I could concentrate.
By simmering and simmering, reducing and reducing, you finally create the perfect port wine concentrate. Then you burn it.
I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner.
Everyone is in love with you. Or they would be, if you weren't an eight-year old OM weiner. Instead, it's the rats that love you, as they devour your rotten, moldy, discarded carcass. Later, these same rats meet their end in a hot dog meat grinder...
I wish I WASN'T HOOKED ON SINFESTTTT! ARRRGH IVE BEEN READING THEM ALL DAY AND I CANT STOPPPP
You finally get to the end of Sinfest only to have me lend you all three of his books. After you wade, bleary eyed through the books you discover Girl Genius
here and
here. :blunt:
I wish UT would win the lottery.
UT wins $20 on a scratch-off ticket. Unfortunately, as he blows away the little silvery ticket scratch boogers, they fall into his morning coffee... and the heat activates the release of their cancer-causing agents, which take up residence in his pancreas.
I wish xoB would win the lottery!
He does. The draft lottery.
I wish I could sell this old printer instead of dumping it in my neighbor's backyard.
Granted, but the buyer turns out to be a mass murderer, who kills you, then takes the printer 'cause mass murderers need to print stuff sometimes too you know.
I wish I could be a simple kinda' man.
I wish I could be a simple kinda' man.
Ta-Da!
Too bad you don't get to go to the ball. :(
I wish UG didn't bug me so much.
Irresistibly compelled to agree with his every statement, you soon find that arguing in support of him on the Cellar is no longer satiation enough. Taking to the streets with alliterative picket signs to the tune of:
Urbane Guerrilla
=
Ultra Groovy
and
Urbane
Guerrilla
++ is ++
UR
God
you soon find yourself ridiculed & generally unable to hold down a job, destined for the lonely, malnourished life of a local Jesus-man; one who, alas, does not even have the comradarie of a recognizable religion.
I someone would do the dishes.
For that laugh, *I* will do your dishes!!!
I pass on the wish, I just wanted to thank Skunks for the grins.
I'll take the wish then:
I wish I could afford the ticket back to Suffragette City.
In a bizzare twist of events, fuel prices plummet to $2 a barrell, and oil companies have to practically pay you to take the stuff. The resulting domino effect drops the bottom out on prices for all other commodiites, and the economic earning power of the average worker skyrockets. With the new increase in overall earning power, world economies stabilize, conflicts cease, a new era of religious tolerance, international cooperation and genuine compassion spreads across the earth. War-making resources are poured into universal healthcare, education, research, the arts. Swords are beat into plowshares. In short, the world becomes a utopian bliss. Then, the aliens attack.
I wish they knew what ADHD was when I was in school. Man, that would have made things so much ... hey look a fire truck!
Sadly, you are unable to concentrate even on the approaching firetruck, and you are squished while bending over to pick up a shiny new dime from the pavement.
I wish that my air conditioning was working in my house right now.
Edit: PS - This needs to be moved to Nothingland.
My A/C is out too. I've heard from a good half dozen people with the same problem. What the hell!?
Anyway, your A/C is just fine. Unfortunatley the repairman uses ammonia as the refrigerant, and a leak in a few years realeases a small cloud of poison gas that kills you and your family.
I wish I had a million dollars.
Granted
A long lost relative bequeaths you a million dollars. There is one stipulation. You must take care of her animals. No problem ,You can deal with an ole cat or dog. When you reach the residence of where the animals are you learn it is in fact an animal shelter. The shelter is in debt for 1,000,001 dollars.
And on that note....
Too bad skysidhe didn't follow the
rules, and make a wish of her own for the next poster to "grant" [/evil grin].
Fine. I will wish.
I wish that this hysterically funny thread is resurrected for another long funny run.
No problem. 'Corrupted Wish' arises from the ashes as if it were a phoenix ..... but, wait! It wasn't ashes, it was a tremendous layer of dust, which fills the Cellar air. Poor BigV launches into an interminable sneezing attack, missing all the ensuing fun in the renewed thread.
I wish I had a new car.
You've won...A Brand New Car! as a lucky contestant on the Price is Right. Now you have to pay prize tax.
I wish I was wearing my pajamas right now.
Wish Granted.....youre wearing pjs :)
....but they are 4 sizes too small and your place of work is 360 degrees of glass.
You are being gorked at by passersby, who are....well....amazed by your fantastic taste in Peter Alexander jammies, but perturbed by your camel toe ;)
I wish I didnt have a headache.
Pooof! The magic hits you and whisks that pain away. You turn to your partner with a smile on your face, but quickly lose the smile as you find yourself in bed with....me! (Not such a bloody goody goody anymore, eh?)
I wish I had a good accountant who knew his way around tax laws.
[COLOR="Silver"]psssst....did you bring the zuke????[/COLOR]
:lol2: [color=#00CCFF]The zuke? Of course! I may be cruel, but I'm not stupid.[/color]
UB's accountant sure did, so to speak. And now you two are both broke-ass mofos.
I wish the work would do itself.
Your wish is granted.
The work, literally, does itself! Mary Poppins herself would pop a vessel straining with incredulity as the messes spontaneously cleaned themselves, as the broken things mended themselves as if in a film run backwards, mistakes are corrected and sins of commission and omission are forgiven and fulfilled. Eventually, there *is* no more work to be done. Your joy at this windfall of leisure time transforms to boredom with daytime tv, then 24 hour tv. Boredom decays into ennui with nothing to do, since everything is already as good as it can be. Ennui morphs into hunger since you're not getting paid for your good looks (shame, really). Hunger into malnourishment, malnourishment into starvation, starvation into death, as we all must die. But at least you had plenteous free time to enjoy the ride.
I wish I was better at setting reasonable boundaries.
You are now a professional surveyor. Nicely done! Your personal life, however, remains a shambles.
I wish Aife the dog was not so dull witted.
Aife is now the smartest dog on earth. He begins to talk,and is soon cast in movies and grosses 15 million per. However, he starts hanging out with Lindsay and Paris and spends much of his time in prison.
I wish I had money.
You're filthy rich. Bill Gates is a pauper compared to you. You are so rich, that everyone you know and love is kidnapped one by one as ransoms are demanded from you. Even though you pay the ransoms, your loved ones are slaughtered. Can't have any witnesses, can we?
I wish I could play guitar and sing well.
Amazing! glatt is suddenly hailed the world over as the finest guitarist and vocalist ever. Unfortunately, a secret society of jealous musicians has all of his fingers broken and has his vocal cords surgically adjusted to produce only a squeeking noise.
I wish I didn't have to work right now.
You don't!! Because of a freak run accident on an ostrich farm, you are now reduced to a head in a jar a la Futurama
I wish wasn't so ADHD
Phizer invents a new miracle drug which renders you no longer ADHD...but instead, a hopelessly obsessive, anal-retentive detail monger, unable to stop fretting over even the tiniest thing in your...hey, look! A bird!
I wish I could stop complicating my life.
Aaaaahh, life is good. It is happy and definitley simple; there are no complications of any sort. Yes, effortless is the rule. In fact, it is very easy now, so much so that life is getting boring. The truth of the matter is, the sheer mind-numbing dullness makes it difficult to go on. That begins to complicate things, but the anti-complication effect kicks in again. The cycle goes on and on with eternal tedium.
I wish I could speak a foreign language.
[Not part of the main thrust of this thread] That's so frikking freaky Bullit! I read Uisge's post earlier and was gonna post something like 'you don't have to work ever again because you've been preserved as a head in a jar futurama-style' but had to buzz off cause mom called and said she was outside in the car waiting for me. Well freaky. [/Not part of the main thrust of this thread]
Uisge you are now completely fluent in Latin. I'd say the twist there is fairly obvious.
I wish I was ten years younger.
Poof. You can speak a foreign language but it's Icelandic and the only person you can have a conversation with is Bjork.
[COLOR="Silver"](See how I did this without killing off anyone's family and friends?)[/COLOR]
I wish those days could come back for more.
[COLOR="Silver"](See how I did this without killing off anyone's family and friends?)[/COLOR]
I'm an evil genie.
Genie, maybe. I don't know about evil.
Sorry DanaC. I posted right after you did. I couldn't come up with anything for a wish except part of a Stevie Wonder song, so fellow cellars please use DanaC's post for wish granting.
I wish I was ten years younger.
I wish those days could come back for more.
You are both ten years younger but you have to live the same days the same way you did before.
I wish I had good hearing again.
I wish I had good hearing again.
You have good hearing again, but now you hear the voices in your head and they wont' they won't stop THEY WON'T STOP and you shove an icepick through your eardrums to make them shut up.
I wish I had penis in addition to my hoo-ha.
Ah, variety is the spice of life. Your wish comes true and you are prepared for a whole new world of experiences. It looks like the sky's the limit, everything's coming up roses ...... until that freak [post=363163]accident at the HP printer[/post]. Mortified by the experience, you dash home from work and are promptly fired for your precipitous departure.
I wish someone would cook me some dinner.
You lucky, lucky man, there's a woman who's willing to cook you dinner every night if you wish.....unfortunately the woman is Enid, the Townhall canteen cook. (one day I'll describe her culinery efforts in more detail).
I wish I had perfect skin.
Oh, yes, that's a fine choice. We can take care of that right away.........There, it is magnificent! Your skin is breathtaking - smooth, supple alabaster. Helen of Troy would be envious, Aphrodite could not contain her jealousy, Guinevere would......ah, but I waste your time with such pedantic drivel. Allow me to proceed directly to the heart of the matter - you must step up onto this pedestal so that our technicians may ply their craft. Yes, your absolute beauty will be preserved for posterity, a museum piece frozen in time.
I wish it weren't so humid.
It is no longer humid. New York is suddenly the most arid place in the world and you have to keep your mouth closed to prevent your tongue drying out. Your eyelids creak down over dry eyes, painfully taking the top layer of cells from your eyeballs every time. The moisture is leeched from your skin and it begins to crack and sores appear all over you. And no-one can grow lentils any more so on top of everything you're constipated.
I wish I had internet access 24/7
Brilliant bit about the lentils, Sundae!
Sundae Girl? Sure, we remember her. Ah, she was a beloved Dwellar. Once. Nobody knows where she is, now. You see, she managed to get herself a state of the art broadband internet connection. It was fast and she was always connected, all week long. That's when it all started, the lure of the cyberwild. Poor SG found herself constantly drawn in new directions and began surfing farther and farther. She learned so much and saw such marvelous things that she was ever-enthralled. She kept going and we lost touch. Now The Cellar has no more Sundae. :mecry:
I wish I didn't smell that wretched cologne in which my coworker seems to bathe.
Your coworker stops using cologne. In fact he stops using deodorant and stops bathing, too. And he has taken to rolling in really smelling things, the way a dog does. Now that's what you smell all day at work.
I wish the office manager wasn't around anymore.
I wish the office manager wasn't around anymore.
I've taken care of your office manager. Too bad you've got motive.
I wish Smoothmoniker would come home to the Cellar.
You finally get to the end of Sinfest only to have me lend you all three of his books. After you wade, bleary eyed through the books you discover Girl Genius here and here. :blunt:
But no:
now it's here. In a sudden flurry of posts, smoothmoniker returns to the Cellar.
Unfortunately, he is now a radical muslim cleric musician, and each and every Cellarite soon receives in the mail little bombs disguised as Britney Spears dolls.
I wish Winter would end.
Winter has ended. forever. No more snow, no more sleet, no more freezing nights. Unfortunately we now have to hear Al Gore yelling "I was right! I was right! I was right!" everytime we turn on the tv.
I wish I wasn't sick.
KaPow! You die of your illness.
But there is no hereafter and you face endless oblivion.
I wish there was no evil in the world.
Zap! There is no evil in the world. Unfortunately you aren't here to enjoy the pristine planet without a single human to be found.
I wish I had more time to enjoy my boys.
You gain an extra 5 minutes to enjoy your boys as the police mistakenly go to the wrong house first.
I wish I could have a rational conversation with people about politics.
You have dozens of trenchant conversations each day for the rest of your life. Welcome to the nuthouse.
I wish I could tell which Presidential candidate would be good for the country.
You know with absolute prescient certainty which candidate will do the best job.
They lose.
I wish I could sleep for longer than 2 hours at a time.
You sleep longer, much longer, and wake up 20 years later with Prince Charming's tongue in your mouth.
I wish I could figure out which process is flooding the swap space on my Debian server.
You find out to your horror it was a small part of a world-wide DDOS attack by a group of script kiddies.
I wish that Dwayne Johnson would be in a great, great movie that surpasses Arnold in Terminator 2 as best performance by an athlete.
Poof! The Tooth Fairy is a block buster hit but much to your consternation, Dwayne has a penchant for the same sex.
I wish people would stop littering the highways.
Kazzam! You wake up in the morning to find that you are the last human being on earth and there is nobody to litter the highways ever again.....
I wish my student loans/grants were higher.
Your students loans are much higher, much much higher, but it's because they keep bogarting your weed, leaving you dry, with no way to pass philosophy.
I wish someone (other than me) would tell my wife about the upcoming holiday, "Steak and BJ Day".
Your wife finds out about Steak and BJ day, but, misunderstanding what that day is about, takes you to a Steakhouse whose entertainment is an old guy who does BJ Thomas cover songs.
I wish I could fly like an eagle.
You can fly like an eagle, but Steve Miller sues you for copyright infringement.
I wish I could get a full nights sleep.
You need someone to suck that insomnia out of you. ;)
You can't get a good nights sleep because the people in the motel room beside you are having a three way, and all you can hear is "In the ass, in the ass...while Pink Floyd is singing Comfortably Numb cranked to the tits.
I wish I was 29 again....
You are 29 again... 29 days.
I wish it would be under 100 degrees outside today.
You can't get a good nights sleep because the people in the motel room beside you are having a three way, and all you can hear is "In the ass, in the ass...while Pink Floyd is singing Comfortably Numb cranked to the tits.
[COLOR=Red]
[SIZE=7]GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!
:)
[/SIZE][/COLOR]
You are 29 again... 29 days.
I wish it would be under 100 degrees outside today.
It is, unfortunately, it's in Kelvin.
I wish my arthritis would stop bothering me.
The morning after giving your ____ a blank check from your entire savings account for the best sex of your life, the bone genie gives you back mobility. Once you realize it wasn't a dream, on the way to the phone you trip over your gun rack and fall down the basement stairs and crack your skull open.
I wish someone would cook for me more often
snip--
but I kind of wished you'd posted This Day in the Future, instead. :haha:
The Day The Music Died
My last regular This Day In History post will be April 14. That will make one year since I've been posting regularly in this thread.
I've read through this thread from the OP to here. I must admit, there's some trepidation concerning my "wish". I've detected a rather alarming pattern.
...
I wish my workshop was clean and organized and functional.
Poof, a raging fire leaves your workshop clean of everything but ash.
I wish I didn't have to take meds.
Person 1: I wish America was Great Again.
Person 2: America is greater than ever before!! By the standards of the Dark Ages-- complete with anti-science superstition, total dominion by wealthy overlords, and state-enforced religious oppression.
I wish I didn't have to take meds.
The obvious answer would be you're dead, but no! Instead, you wake up to find that your mouth has been glued shut by hooligans. All nutrients and medications are now administered by suppository.
I wish my brother weren't a leech.
Poof! Bro is no longer a leech. He's your permanent hemorrhoid.
I wish snot was a valuable commodity. I'd be rich, rich I tells ya!
I wish I didn't have to take meds.
Mix all your meds into a punch bowl filled with Reese's Pieces, M & Ms, and Skittles, then every morning walk by the bowl make a blind grab and hope for the best.:o
I wish snot was a valuable commodity. I'd be rich, rich I tells ya!
Poof! Your snot has enormous value, unfortunately you drown Scrooge McDucking in your fortune.
I wish my shoulder would loosen up.
...unfortunately you drown Scrooge McDucking in your fortune.
:lol2:
Poof! Your snot has enormous value, unfortunately you drown Scrooge McDucking in your fortune.
I wish my shoulder would loosen up.
Your shoulder is nice and loose. Unfortunately, so is your rectum
oh, I forgot to wish.
I wish I never had to think about money again
Poof, you never think of money again.
Unfortunately your boss sees no reason to keep you around since money was your trade.
I wish for Helen Mirren. :lol:
Poof! You have Helen Mirren. Unfortunately, she's a cross dressing orc who happens to be
hung like an echidna.
I wish you hadn't wished for Helen Mirren.
![hung like an echidna]("http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--sx2YmQACgY/T_w5ps2s00I/AAAAAAAANHw/LV0Sq04QfiU/s1600/equidna.jpg"){kind=link}