Parenting and teenage relationships
This is going to be kinda long, because it has background.
I have a 17 year old male childling. This is the one we gave to the ex's aunt and uncle to raise and went to Oregon to pick him up and he's blind in one eye. That one.
I've tried to be an open, honest parent, and we have been able to talk about pretty much everything since he's been old enough to ask questions, and I've been proud of that. Up to this point we'd had a running bet that he wouldn't get married before age 30. If he did, he'd pay me $100 on his wedding day, and after age thirty, I'd pay him. "I'm not getting married OR having children," he said on more than ten occasions. "No freaking way. I like money too much." I made my bet and smiled. "Of course, son."
So he's in ROTC this semester, and went on a multi-school ROTC competition in Virginia. My kids' school shared a bus with another school in town and on the way home from the trip, my son shared a seat with a girl from the other school. He came home talking about her, and put her picture on his desktop and started calling her all the time. (We'll call her .... Marcia.)
Marcia this, Marcia that. Marcia outranks me by 9 times in ROTC. Marcia is a tomboy. Marcia likes astrology. Marcia isn't real big on the computer thing. Marcia thinks WoW is dumb, so I'm not going to play any more.
He asks if he can invite her over for dinner. (He's planning on being a big time chef and he wanted to impress her with his talent.) After speaking with her step-mom, they brought her over, and since I promised there would be an adult present the whole time, we took her grocery shopping with us, then son made dinner, then they watched a DVD she brought over, then we took her home.
She seems smart, has a reasonably advanced vocabulary, writes poetry and stories, has a nice little body, and was sitting very close to Son while the DVD watching was going on. And my younger kids liked her, which is a plus. (And, she's um...well, to be frank, stacked. He insists that's not why he likes her tho. Yeah, right.)
A few days later, I find out she's dating another guy. Alex. I was not happy with that, because over the instant messenger they've been discussing "kid's names" and "colors for the wedding" and such. She was thinking about breaking up with Alex, but she'd only been with Justin twice, and wasn't sure if she wanted to be with him or not, so wanted to wait for the ROTC ball, where both of them (Son and Alex) would be. I wasn't happy with this either, but he told me he wanted to do this. OK.
The following week was the ROTC ball. I had to pay $30 for him and "a guest" to go 5 weeks prior to the event. He took some little strumpet that was flashing her titties at the cadets on the bus to Virginia, and Marcia took Alex.
He was pretty silent regarding the ball. He said he danced with about 6 different girls and even a couple of the guys in his ROTC unit. (He got a pic, it was pretty funny.) The next day he went to her house and hung out, and was pretty quiet about that too.
Two days later, we're BSing and he says she wants to name their baby Seth Lucien, and I raise an eyebrow and ask if she's left Alex yet. No. I tell him that at this point, she's playing both him and Alex, and she shouldn't even be discussing that, since they aren't even having sex yet (and added they better not for a loooong time). He doesn't understand why talking about naming babies means she's playing him. I told him that if she's even thinking down that path, she should be with Alex, even if she doesn't go out with him. He said he had been talking to his grandmother about Marcia, and she says to "wait and see what happens."
I said, "well, at least don't make the same mistakes I did" (getting pregnant at 16). He replied, "Don't worry, I'm not as dumb as you are."
It...knocked the wind out of me. My first impulse was to grab him by the neck and twist in such a way that I'd hear the satisfying crunch right before I dropped his twitching ass to the floor.
My second impulse was to reach out and open hand slap him in the mouth with as much force as my nearly 300 pound frame could muster.
I finally decided to get up and walked away before I had anymore impulses.
My husband didn't hear the remark, (which is a lucky thing) and I told him about it later. He said He'd "have a little talk" with him about respect the following day.
Next day I'm at work and he IM's me about 30 minutes after my husband gets home, and apologises for the remark. We got into it again about Marcia, and he says he doesn't care if she's playing him. I told him *I* care. He said that this is why he didn't want to talk to me about her, because I would "wig out" and he likes me in "cool mom" mode, not "bitchy mom" mode.
It came out that Marcia had decided that she is going to stay with Alex until the end of the school year, then break up with him, and date my son over the summer and they could see each other every day.
Oh, but no.
I explained 15 different ways why this is not a good thing and he wasn't hearing me. Finally, I got home and I briefed the husband on the situation and we went in there as a unified front.
I told him that he will not be over to her house unless it's with a group of people (like a birthday party or something) and she will not be coming over to our house on her own, either. If she refuses to dump Alex and be with him, then they will not continue to act as if they are dating.
He made all sorts of arguments, like "You have to let me make my mistakes" and "You're trying to make her decision for her." I told him, no, if she wants to wait until the end of the year to dump Alex, that's cool, but in the meantime, they will not be acting like they are dating. I told him if he won't stand up and have respect for himself (and for Alex, who I feel bad for) then I will.
So now I'm the terrible, butting in, "ruining my life" mom.
Suggestions?
Does Alex know about all of this? It sounds to me like your son knows Marcia is cheating on Alex, and has fallen into the role of the "secret lover." He's willing to be played now because he's hoping to get to date her exclusively in the future. But Alex has had her to himself in the past, and it would be very unusual for him to be cool with the situation as it is.
I'd have a chat with Marcia, and possibly a chat (threatened or real) with Alex.
No, I haven't spoken to Alex, don't know how to get ahold of him. Never even met him.
Day after I laid down this rule, magically Marcia broke up with Alex, but son and Marcia are not yet dating, although I'm told they will be by Sunday, which is when Marcia's parents invited son to go to the beach with them and Marcia.
How convenient, huh???
The more you try to restrict your son from seeing Marcia, the more likely it becomes that within the next 12 months you are going to be setting up an account through Department of Human Services for him to pay into, in his new status as Marcia Baby Daddy. Does "Seth Lucien" go well with your son's last name, or sound even more ridiculous that it does standing on it's own?
If you think you are headstrong or stubborn, please remember that you contributed 50% of his genetics.
Let it run it's natural course.
OC:
I have been bowling a number of times in my life. Have you ever been bowling? You go to a special place where the supplies and the equipment and the professionals are all gathered together to do it. You usually go with other people. You pay your money and then walk past racks and racks of mostly similar round-y things with holes in them, and for the rookies, picking out "the one" can be troublesome.
Eventually, you pick a ball that you like, it fits your hand, you can carry it easily, maybe you like how it looks, whatever. Finally, it's your turn to bowl. You approach the ball rack, you prepare your hand over that little blower, you carefully pick up your ball and find your best starting position. You cradle the ball near your chest and imagine the approach, the extension, the backswing, the whole roll. You're in control of that ball. The ball can do nothing without you, and you have a plan. You start your move and things begin to happen faster and more variables come into play. Is the floor slippery? Will I stop before the foul line? Can I hang on to the ball at the end of my backswing? Should I go before the guy in the other lane or is he waiting for me? Don't forget to aim for the pocket behind the 1-pin. Be smoooooth. Criminee! RELEASE!
Now the ball is rocketing toward the pins, it's out of your hands. But think about what almost always happens on the way down the lane. The contortions and gyrations of "body english" make NO difference to the ball or the pins, yet we're helpless to resist the urge to twist and lean and talk--to the ball!! But the ball is gone.
KEEEERRRAAASSH!!!
**freeze**
OC, you sound like a loving, diligent, articulate, involved, caring parent. You will certainly suffer for it, too. I can't imagine anything to add to what you've described that *might* improve the situation, including walking away from justifiable homicide (j/k good for you, and him).
When you have an exclusive choice to be the parent OR the friend, choose parent, like you did.
**thaw**
Was it a strike? A spare? A gutterball? A foul? Regardless, your body english only made you feel better, but didn't change the course of the ball.
Our children are like that too. We first get them helpless and bald, and have the most perfect plans for them. Strike! We carefully approach and swing and release--and the rest is up to them. Thankfully, the analogy breaks down a little here. You've certainly done your part to affect your son's trajectory and now it's largely up to him. I know what I'm talking about I have an 18 year old stepson at home right now myself. It's out of my hands. But your son, and mine, can still hear our voices. Continue to be reasonable (no one on one, that's not out of line) and more importantly, consistent.
But the kicker is this: find a way, some way, to learn HIS ideas and include them in the dialogue. This is imperative. I'm afraid I don't have any special clues or dumb analogies to illustrate this, but it is really important. With it, you can hope that your input can have an effect. Without it, it's all just body english.
I do have a ray of hope. One of the boys Son was dancing with at the ball (16 years old) just found out that he got his 14 year old girlfriend pregnant.
There was a brief discussion about "What would you do if I told you I got Marcia pregnant?"
I told him I'd pick up sponges and a mop and bucket on the way home, and some pine-sol for that wonderful, covering up the smell of blood scent.
This is something he really does need to learn for himself. You can give him advice until you're blue, but he's still going to see "Marcia"-it'll probably make him want her more. He's going to have his heart broken eventually, so he might as well learn some lessons now- like how to spot a player, and how to protect himself from a future broken heart by playing it slow and cautious with the next girl.
I don't blame you for not wanting that little ho in your house, but other than that, my humble advice would be to stay out of it.
Just make sure you do your part and drill parental advice into that stubborn skull of his. I hate to say it, but your only hope right now is that he doesn't do anything dumb that would lead to devastating (or permanent) consequences. Either he'll wake up and realize that you're right and he's making a mistake, or he'll be better prepared the next time around. We've all been through that rite of passage - it's not fair to deny him that opportunity as well.
I've never been burned by a girl, per se, but there have been quite a few moments when my parents' voices suddenly echoed resoundingly in my head (like when I almost got kicked out of high school a week before graduation). It is that unfortunate period in his life when being his own person is the top priority, regardless of whether it's good for him or not.
Then it'll be that part of his life when nothing makes sense, of which my friend put it best: "Hey, look at me! I'm 20-something! I'm ironic about everything!"
I laughed so hard when he said that.
QUOTE=OnyxCougar]I do have a ray of hope. One of the boys Son was dancing with at the ball (16 years old) just found out that he got his 14 year old girlfriend pregnant.There was a brief discussion about "What would you do if I told you I got Marcia pregnant?" /QUOTE
I know it's almost impossible for our kids to learn from others mistakes, but I'm still trying that approach with my 18 year old son. I remind him often about my younger brother's predicament. When my brother was 15, he became a father after just his first or second time having sex. His 18th birthday present was a bill from the state DHS department for almost $10,000.00 in back child support. We didn't even know they would do that to a minor, but they sure do. He has met his son, who is 17 now, only twice. He has paid some child support off and on over the years, his current balance is now over $30,000.00 and with the interest they now add, the bill is growing fast. There is now an outstanding warrant for his arrest for the back child support. He will eventually be doing prison time for this, no doubt.
OC...has your yewt had sex yet with *anyone*? And what about Marcia?
This sounds like a pretty classic case of a young girl trying out her wiles, seeing who she can toy with for how long in order to build up her own sense of empowerment and pubescent manipulative skill. I'd say your lad is in for a dumping before the leaves fall, one way or the other.
I'm betting she'll snag the first college boy she can sink her claws into.
If he's still untried you might want to just get him laid a few times to sort of take the edge off.
You know what I think? You should get him a reversible vasectomy. I think all teenage boys should have them. It's an outpatient procedure, and then you just undo it when you're ready to have kids years and years down the line. $500 very well-spent in my opinion.
I hadn't even thought of that. That's a damn good family planning idea.
Teen pregnancy is down by half over the last 10 years.
And yet still a full 50% of pregnancies are unplanned and 40% are unwed. :(
Hmmm. As far as I know, (meaning from what he's told me), he's still "pure".
That reversible vasectomy thing has promise.... hmmm...
Stop worrying about what your son thinks, it doesn't matter. In fact, if he's mad at you, you're probably doing the right thing. I will pray for him, and you.
Stop worrying about what your son thinks, it doesn't matter. In fact, if he's mad at you, you're probably doing the right thing. I will pray for him, and you.
This is bullshit.
It is critical that your son feels that his thoughts are valued.
If he doesn't feel that way, then you're redundant, useless, powerless. You have no standing with him if he feels he has no standing with you. Think about it.
I am not urging you to strive to learn his point of view and them make him happy--NO. But you can certainly learn what's in his head and then share what's in your head.
Let's face it, you're wiser by far than he is in these matters. He NEEDS your wisdom here. He doesn't need you to make him happy--he has "Marcia" for that for sure. It is possible (have high expectations and let them live up to them) for you two to be mad at each other, or pissed or whatever, and still show mutual respect, like you did when you walked away after he called you dumb, and like he did when he took his (step?)dad's counsel and apologized. This is growth. He can still benefit from your guidance in this high stakes scenario.
But reject him out of hand because you know better (you do) and because you can and you'll likely find that he'll return the favor and seek counsel (physical and emotional) elsewhere. Give him a chance to stay connected to his best source. Stay connected with him.
His being mad at you can not be reliably connected to something good you did for him or something bad. I can piss off my kid with good parental discipline and with being a jerk. Same result. But the kids can tell if they're bein dissed. They're acutely sensitive on this score.
The prayers are legit. That part is not bullshit. You're all in my prayers too.
Hang in there.
Well, the plans to go to the beach changed, so he's going over to Marcia's house today from 1pm to 8pm (when I'm going over after work and picking him up.) The parentals are going to be there the entire time, so I'm not worried about them "making with the love" today.
I will, however, be having a discussion with them regarding the relationship and making sure they are aware that Marcia and Son are supposed to be "exclusive" now, and see what kind of response I get.
If she's lying and hasn't broken up with Alex, and she's calling him all the time and he's calling her all the time, this should be obvious to the parents that there's an issue here and steps need to be taken.
If I find out that I was lied to (and it was her lying to him, telling him she broke up with Alex when she didn't), then he won't have any communication with her at all other than through ROTC.
If I find out that he's the one that lied to me knowing full well she didn't break up with Alex, then his ass will be going to Louisiana in June with his sister. If I can't trust him he's out of here.
Holy hell the kid is 17, butt the *hell* out his love life! You can't stop kids doing stuff, you're making it far more likely something is going to happen simply by being so draconian. Parents always present? I thought that crap stopped at about 13. TS has a point, if you really want to do something buy the kid a pack of condoms. kid needs to learn how to judge girls on his own, go though the same stuff we all did, it's the only way you learn what works and what doesn't. Sure she's probably a lieing, cheating bitch and he'll get screwed over and ahve a cry about it but next time, he'll be more careful and have better sense. All you're going to do is up the chances his first sexual encounter is going to be in a public park.
OK. My parents butted out of my love life at 16, and I ended up pregnant. I will *not* butt the hell out of any part of his life, as long as he lives under my roof, and I'm paying for his school supplies, his food, his deoderant, his toilet paper, his clothes, funding his trips to Virginia for OPTIONAL school trips, OPTIONAL dances, ferrying him to and from all this crap, and all the rest of the shit I'm doing.
When he is out of my house, then he can go fuck any little bitch he wants, and deal with the consequences. UNTIL then, he is a MINOR, he is MY responsibility, and he WILL fall under my authority. If he don't like it, he can move with his father in June (who will not let him date AT ALL) or he can lump it until December when he's 18 and then get the fuck out.
Who is going to have to "deal with it" when he knocks this bitch up? Not only her parents. You've heard right here in the cellar the effects of teen pregnancies. So I suppose it's not going to be my responsibility then? Think again, Jag. Who is the first person he's gonna run to? That's right, that would be me. So until I can tell him that it was completely his choice and his decision, and therefore completely his consequences, I have to continue to act and set down rules like I would for myself, because they aren't just HIS consequences. Yet. His choices right now effect my ENTIRE family.
I will act accordingly.
You know if theres one thing that causes tension in parent-teenager relationships it's the strange paradox of expecting them to be responsible except for anything they want to do my themselves, do the dishes, clean your room but don't you dare to XYZ without my permission. You know pretty much everyone I knew lost their virginity at or before 16 yet almost noone I know ended up pregnant or getting someone pregnant, the exception that comes to mind was....a catholic girl...with a jock. Contraception, it's a wonderful thing, condom breaks? That's what the morning after pill is for, absolute lifesaver that thing. Sure, in extreme circumstances both could fail but you're more likely to get hit by a bus tomorrow. You can't really stop him fucking who he wants now, all you can do is make it harder and him less willing to communicate things to you. I can imagine living with constant threats of being booted out really helps too. You might not be willing to admit it but it sure sounds like your trying right your mistakes though the poor kid.
You can act as you wish but shit, I was 17 only a few years ago, I remember.
So was I. In fact, the pregnancy at 16 was him. That was a fucking nightmare, and one I wouldn't want my son or myself to be on either side of again.
I can't force Marcia to take the morning after pill. It's her body and she (and at this point, her parents) can do what they want, even if that's have the baby and then nail my son with child support that he can't pay. Then it falls to me, as his parent, to meet his obligations.
Are you not getting that until he's legally an adult in December that *I* am responsible for his actions? So until it's not my problem any more, don't you think I should be all up in my business?
He's in 10th grade (out of 12), he still has 2 more years of school, he's under age (can't even drink yet) and you're advocating that I let him come (no pun intended) and go as he pleases?
I don't think so.
Be aware....the only rule I laid down was that they could not see each other one on one at each other's homes until there was a declaration of exclusivity.
I don't think that is an extreme policy.
Meaning, until Marcia decided she was going to be exclusive with my son, she's not coming over and hanging all over him on the couch watching a DVD and feeding him popcorn. That is not the way someone who is supposed to be exclusive with SOMEONE ELSE should be behaving. I don't care if he likes it or not.
Now that they are officially dating (exclusively) it's ok to act like that.
Do you see where I was going with that rule and why this is not a case of controlling his every move? Even if she was still seeing Alex, I didn't care if they talked on MSN, or on the phone, or at parties, or at dances. But while she was dating Alex, she would not be dating my son.
I really don't think that's being overly strict. In fact, I think it's more than fair.
I'd say it is pretty extreme, you shouldn't really know half of that to start with unless he wanted to tell you. Which I doubt. My parents have practically never known who I was dating except on rare exceptions (special event comes up or it lasts a while), let alone beforehand or any kind of details. I've never known anyone to be quite so worried about the legal implications of getting someone pregnant before. The only people I know that would discuss their private lives in that much detail to their parents are those that have really, really unusually good relationships with them and it'd be more on a friend basis than parent. I doubt the kid is dumb or wants to get someone pregnant and frankly, I doubt she wants to be.
As for exclusivity, what are you going to do if she cheats? Call her parents and complain? What if your boy does? They are young adults, whether your son wants to see someone that is seeing someone else or not should be his choice not yours. If he is getting screwed around you can tell him but really, that's where your responsibility ends. Beyond the getting-people-pregnant thing it really isn't any of your business.
Sometimes it's exclusive from the start, sometimes you date other people as well for a long time, sometimes it's just a fuckaround kind of thing, how he chooses who he spends time with isn't really your affair. What next, you're going to interview his friends? heck lots of kids move into share places at 17, seem to survive and not get anyone pregnant just fine.
Don't let your own crappy experiences mess him around. You seem to be using this whole legal angle as an excuse to moralise your son's love life and protect him from something that really, you can't.
Maybe it's a cultural thing, I don't know.
Worrying about the legal implications of pregnancy could very well be a cultural thing. Does the UK even have mandatory child support guidelines? Here it is very real. Could you afford to pay anywhere from $500 to $1000 a month for the next 18 years, jaguar? Don't forget to add in medical insurance. How about being told you weren't allowed to leave the state, much less the country?
You doubt she wants to be pregnant, when she's frequently fantasizing about naming their children? Not only did I know girls in high school who wanted to be pregnant, I knew girls who lied about taking birth control pills so that they could be.
Maybe it is, the kind of people I sleep & associate with would rather have rabies than kids at this age.
his first sexual encounter is going to be in a public park.
Or in a public house.
I'd say it is pretty extreme, you shouldn't really know half of that to start with unless he wanted to tell you. Which I doubt.
He told me all of the information on his own, with no coersion.
My parents have practically never known who I was dating except on rare exceptions (special event comes up or it lasts a while), let alone beforehand or any kind of details.
Then you don't have that kind of relationship with your parents.
I've never known anyone to be quite so worried about the legal implications of getting someone pregnant before. The only people I know that would discuss their private lives in that much detail to their parents are those that have really, really unusually good relationships with them and it'd be more on a friend basis than parent.
He has told me that he likes me better as "cool mom" than as "bitch mom". I would say I function more on a friendship level, until the situation warrants "bitch mom" mode.
I doubt the kid is dumb or wants to get someone pregnant and frankly, I doubt she wants to be.
Let me put it this way. He straight up told me he doesn't care if she's playing him, or cheating on Alex. In my book, that makes him dumb, inexperienced, and horny, or all of the above. Don't rule out the dumb factor.
As for exclusivity, what are you going to do if she cheats? Call her parents and complain? What if your boy does?
That's their business. But if she is cheating on him, she's not welcome in my home. If he's cheating on her, the mistress so to speak isn't welcome in my home. It's still my home. As long as it's my home, I can control who is in it.
They are young adults, whether your son wants to see someone that is seeing someone else or not should be his choice not yours.
It *is* his choice. He's dating her now. All I did was limit one on one personal contact with her UNTIL THEY WERE DATING. If he dumps her today and sees another girl, he can't have her over on a one on one basis until they are dating. There is no hypocrisy or preferential treatment here. He will not act like he's dating someone in my home, or go over to a girls house one on one until he is dating them.
If he is getting screwed around you can tell him but really, that's where your responsibility ends. Beyond the getting-people-pregnant thing it really isn't any of your business.
Where he goes and who comes over *is* my business until I am no longer responsible for his actions. I don't understand why you don't get that.
Sometimes it's exclusive from the start, sometimes you date other people as well for a long time, sometimes it's just a fuckaround kind of thing, how he chooses who he spends time with isn't really your affair. What next, you're going to interview his friends? heck lots of kids move into share places at 17, seem to survive and not get anyone pregnant just fine.
That applied in the UK, where the kids graduate high school and drink at age 16. That's not the way it is here. He's still in high school for 2 more years and still depends on me for everything, in fact, turned down a job last week. Until he's age 18, the law says *I* am responsible for his wellbeing. Period.
Don't let your own crappy experiences mess him around. You seem to be using this whole legal angle as an excuse to moralise your son's love life and protect him from something that really, you can't.
No, he's dating Marcia now, (even tho I don't have any respect for her anymore) and that's fine. Now that they are dating, it's fine with me if they act like they are dating. The conditions for the rule have been met, so I'm back to "cool mom" for now.
Now, again, if I find out I've been lied to, the consequences will be severe, depending on who started the lie. Either way, it's over for that relationship, as long as he still lives with me. Once he's 18 and I'm not responsible for him anymore, I don't care, but as long as he lives in my home, he follows my rules.
Maybe it's a cultural thing, I don't know.
Maybe it's a parental thing.
I don't think that giving your son the message "I can't deal with you, I'm handing you off to someone else again" is effective parenting.
That's not what I'm telling him. He has no clue that if he's lying he's out the door.
That's what he'll understand.
I think that 17 is too young to be pushing for an exclusive relationship. Once you're exclusive, there's only two ways to go - at some point you break up, or you're together forever. I think 17 is too young to be selecting your life partner.
That's why it should be picked by the family when they're 12, or before even.
Actually, I've always found that people in arranged marriages have a much healthier attitude about marriage than people who married for love. Everyone knows arranged marriages require work, but lots of couples in love think that marriage is as easy as love.
I'm not a big fan of love as a curative or a restorative. Its effects can be rather sporadic.
Let me put it this way. He straight up told me he doesn't care if she's playing him, or cheating on Alex. In my book, that makes him dumb, inexperienced, and horny, or all of the above. Don't rule out the dumb factor.
I don't see why. If it is dumb, how do you expect him to learn?
That applied in the UK, where the kids graduate high school and drink at age 16.
Yes and no, most go on to college and HS continues till 18 in australia where I finished my schooling. Personally I was young so I finished a bit before my 18th birthday.
Then you don't have that kind of relationship with your parents.
No, not really, it alwasy worked on the priciple that they trusted me enough to know I wasn't going to do anything stupid and I didn't, fairly simple really. Who I happened to be seeing was my affair. Everyone I knew worked on a similar principle to varying degrees, parents knew the friend circle vaguely, good mates and anything that lasted a while but it stopped about there. I don't think it is a parental thing.
OC I actually agree with you to a point.
I see so many kids brought up in ill-prepared homes; parents either too young, too poor or too stupid. The children have the run of the house, they are bad-mannered, thoughtless and irresponsible. Of course, none of that really matters until they do something stupid: like commit a crime, or gleefully reproduce their useless selves by squirting up a pert young filly.
Now, who is responsible for these hormone fuelled atrocities? I for one, blame the parents. We are too afraid of discipline these days, and for those parents who are not blessed with perceptive, intelligent offspring (jag) - the little blighters need controlling. I know two parents whose 5 year old child is a nightmare - rude, screechy and utterly intolerable. The parents are very soft on her, and try to talk with her like an adult, and with respect. This doesn't work! Of course, in an ideal world we would all be having harmonious, thoughtful discourse with our children, but not all children are capable of such harmony, and parents that believe they should be treated with respect and beguiled with careful adult interaction, should at least be aware that often nothing but a jolly hard spank will suffice.
Now back to the teenage years and the matter of discipline is slightly more cumbersome, your child having formed his identity and become a 'young adult'. I am capable of rational thought and decision making, he says to himself, and who is this old battleaxe - whose life experience leaves much to be desired - to tell me what to do? (I know, I've been that kid) The worst thing you can do is tell him anything (it will alienate you, and significantly, it won't work). So, how best to control thy unwilling subject?
An authoritative stance, consistency and most importantly you have to get it right. It's no good being assertive and dominant if you're talking out your backside. The truth will make itself known in the end - and if it turns out you're right about this fretful little situation - your son will remember. (Many a time I've proverbially slapped myself when I come out of such a situation to realise at last what my mum had been trying to tell me for three long years).
Ultimately, you cannot change anyone, but you can certainly be there, quietly getting it right, and waiting for him to realise. This is the best thing you can do. I hope you do get it right. :)
Well, most of the problem has blown over.
I'm not pushing him to date exclusively, I'm just saying he can't act like he is with them until he is on an exclusive basis. I don't care if he sees a bunch of girls, but they won't be coming over and hanging on him and feeding him popcorn and laying thier head on his shoulder and all the rest of this crap until they are on a serious enough level that they are exclusive.
He went to Marcia's yesterday, had a good time, and I picked him up. They "didn't get a chance" to talk to her parents about their relationship, and I didn't say anything to him, but I wasn't happy about that. I kept my mouth shut and listened to how his time over there went.
So far, so good. I told him last week that I've never been the parent of a 17 year old before, this is my first time, and so if it seems like I'm making the rules up as I go along, it's because I am. I told him we'll deal with stuff as it comes. He seemed to think that reasonable.
oh I don't know, I do that stuff with friends, i think it is just cultural/what catwoman said.
So Marcia came over today. She has told her parents that she is dating Justin and all seems to be well now with them. He cooked Enchilada chicken, mashed potatos, homemade gravy, macaroni and cheese, and chili cheese tator tots.
We'll work on menus and nutrition :|
OC - i don't have a teenage child so i don't know what it is like to be in your shoes, but... what i can't figure out is why you care if they are exclusive or not? it seems your interest should be in the "i'm a parent - i'll do what i can to avoid being a grandparent" vein of things. whether she dates other guys or not is pretty irrelevant. if your son enjoys his time with her, she enjoys her time with him - your son is aware she dates other people and he is free to date other people... what is the problem? if this is indeed a non-sexual relationship there can be no negative effects other than a little broken heart - and let's face it - that is inevitable in a teen's first foray into "love".
i think by being so dictatorial on the exclusivity issue, you will only encourage him to hide things from you in the future.
hurt feelings and broken hearts are inevitable, no matter how you try to prevent them.
STD's and little Justin's are avoidable - if your child trusts you enough to listen to you and talk to you on those issues.
just my $.02 from the peanut gallery.
Because the way he felt about her, and the way she SAID she felt about him (and talking about naming babies).
I didn't want him being "the other man" in any relationship. It's not right. If it's ok now, it's ok in the future, and dating a woman who is in an "exclusive" arrangment with someone else is not a responsible thing to be doing.
I don't think I'm explaining it correctly (what's new)...
I guess I'm trying to teach him that there are certain levels of interaction that go with certain levels of committment.
This was the second (and third) step to that end.
Of course he's having sex with Marcia. And she's using it to keep control of him. Gonna be a sad thing, gonna end messily. Hopefully he doesn't get her pregnant -- she WILL get pregnant when plain old vanilla sex isn't working as a control mechanism anymore. And she'll play the two guys against each other and they'll go on Springer to find out who's the dad.
Even if she ends up happilyeverafter wedded to your son, what makes him think she's not going to cheat on him when he becomes boring? I'm sure she told her current may-un that she luvved him too. Southern women. gah. no offense. I've just dated my share.
I don't know when he could be having sex with her.
They don't go to the same school.
They live 5 miles away from each other.
There are adults all over the place at her house and mine.
When could they be having sex?
When could they be having sex?
famous last words...
Quote from actual, surprised, clueless mom:
"I don't understand how she could be pregnant. She was always home by 10pm!"
Speaking as someone who lost her virginity in a truck while she was supposedly at work, and later had sex in her own house with the bedroom door open while her parents were right in the other room... Where there's a will, there's a way.
clodfobble - i think maybe i should have known you in high school. or maybe it is better that i didn't.
Well, if so, it wasn't for lack of me supervising. With the 2 smaller kids running around and in and out of that room, I can guarantee it wasn't happening at *my* house.
i think maybe i should have known you in high school. or maybe it is better that i didn't.
:lol: You would have been disappointed. I was wild, but it was a very long-term, monogamous kind of wild. ;)
but,but,but... long-term AND wild is ok. really.