need really really bad advice
Things are going pretty well, do you guys have some advice for me?
get a job on a fishing boat and go out to sea in the middle of a storm.
tell your girlfriend that her friend's tits would be softer.
tell your girlfriend that you miss your ex.
borrow over $1000 from your girl and don't pay it back when you say you will
do not thank your woman for buying all of your groceries and taking you out for dinner and drinks
try anal beads
betray your wife and let her find out
quit your job without having another one lined up.
this should be enough to screw you up for awhile...if you need more ideas, let me know, and i'll go ask my husband. he is great at coming up with this stuff and he tests it out in real life to make sure it can absolutely screw your life up...
Well, short of telling you to put a gun to your head, or amputate your own whale penis, that's gonna be pretty hard to top...
Help out one of those poor Nigerian people who are having trouble processing the payments from their dead relatives' estates.
Whenever someone starts talking to you, let them go for a second and then interrupt them and very seriously say, "Dude... seriously.. shut the fuck up."
Then, if they start to say something else, just roll your eyes and walk away.
Get a career at an IT help desk.
Follow advice from a website.
Originally posted by Telefunken
Get a career at an IT help desk.
Close the thread. You can't get worse than that.
Oh, wait, you can. Get promoted so you're not only in charge of the help desk, but also the budgeting and the telephones.
Start a thread about personal differences with another online person and state why you are going to ignore that person instead of just ignoring them in the first place. ;)
Originally posted by SteveDallas
Close the thread. You can't get worse than that.
Oh, wait, you can. Get promoted so you're not only in charge of the help desk, but also the budgeting and the telephones.
Let's bring that up a notch. How about being in charge of transitioning your call center to an offshore call center. You have to train the person that will replace you.
Originally posted by Telefunken
Let's bring that up a notch. How about being in charge of transitioning your call center to an offshore call center. You have to train the person that will replace you.
A call center in India where the person you're training speaks better english than you do, has twice the education and works for a quarter fo the wages.
Believe everything I tell you.
Get a tech journalism degree, become a freelance writer. When contracts become insufficient for maintaining a suitable income, go to work for a temp agency that gives you assignments in the tech industry. Bonus points for assignments at formerly powerhouse companies that dangle the prospect of permanent employment in front of you while constantly jerking it away because of "headcount" issues.
Not that I have any personal experience with this.
Have you joined the teachers' union yet, Griff? If not, do that.
[COLOR=indigo]Get knocked up by a man you are forced to marry. Get the shit beat out of you for a little over 2 years and then get dumped for a coworker, then a year after the divorce he'll murder your new fiancee (that you originally left 5 years before to marry the asshole that beat you.)[/COLOR]
[COLOR=indigo]oh wait...griff is a guy. Never Mind.[/COLOR]
I hear there are a lot of new IPOs of dotcoms coming onto the stock market. Put all of your money into one of them, the one with no discernable product or profits.
Put all your savings into airline stock.
Go get a bachelors degree in art history.
Isolate yourself from the majority of the world, buy a mandolin and drink adult beverages as you post stinging commentary of the American political system.
No wait.....that's what you do now. Nevermind. :D
Shave your head but grow a Taliban beard, caress a gun 24 hours a day and make friends with a mouse.
Let someone talk you into selling Amway (or whatever the fk they call it now). Cut yourself every time you don't close a sale. If you do manage to sucker someone, you get to stitch up one of your cuts.
This is the most addictive site I have ever been to. And I'm an addiction-friendly type. Damn you, cellar.org
Originally posted by sycamore
Shave your head......make friends with a mouse.
Now THAT is really BAD advice! You shouldnt post those kinds of suggestions, someone might actually do something crazy like that.
my advice?\\for griff???
rock on, dude. rock on....
Originally posted by sycamore
Go get a bachelors degree in art history.
I did music history, plus 2 years of grad school... close enough?? :eek:
get a job operating a honey wagon. (septic/port-a-potie cleaner)
Call up your father-in-law, and say, "DUUDE! I'm fucking your daughter, RIGHT NOW!!! AHHHhhhhahahahahahahahah!!".
and then hang up.
Also, you could mail him pictures of the act, along with a little yellow post-it note that said, "Dude, thank you SO much for this..."
Good one! there are so many possible twists on this.....
Originally posted by juju
Call up your father-in-law, and say, "DUUDE! I'm fucking your daughter, RIGHT NOW!!!
Hey, did you know she likes to rough it?????
AHHHhhhhahahahahahahahah!!".
and then hang up.
Anyhoo, Griff, be sure to let us know which ones of these you end up doing.
i like jujus' 1st one..
dude, shut the fuck up....no seriously.....
i'll be using that for sure.
Originally posted by SteveDallas
I did music history, plus 2 years of grad school... close enough??
Yeah...I think that'll work. ;)
Griff, since you're really close anyway ... move across the line into NY state.
That's about the baddest advice I can muster.
Go get a bachelors degree in art history.
ouch.
I'll just add, using a dull and improper tool, trim your toenails painfully short and not straight across.
No offense is meant towards anyone with a bachelors in art history. It's just one of those degrees that you can't do much with, like English...or psychology.
Yes. I wholeheartly recommend a useful degree, like Geography and Planning.
Ladies and gentleman, whale penis for everyone! I fear that a few of these were already implemented in some form. Useless History degree, poor pedal hygeine, shaved head + beard, teachers union, tempory NY residency status, mid-coital conversation with father(s)-in-law, temp work,... I hope to soon implement my "dude, shut the fuck up" regimen. I won't buy a buffalo. Imma gonna get a murder of them, a veritible covey, I can taste the succulent wings now. I will not challenge stacey's russkie on any of that remarkable resume'.
My wife says to go into a bank with a toy gun, and shout, "BANG BANG BANG BANG!!" really loud.
plthijinx said get a job operating a honey wagon. (septic/port-a-potie cleaner)
That has to be one of the most SuckASS ( ALL puns intended ) job there ever could be !!!!!
Just imagen a bunch of working class guys sitting at a bar "I am an elcetrition . What do you do ?"
Next dude " Oh I'm a brick layer."
Next dude " I'm a carpenter. "
Next dude " I'm a plumer ."
Honey dipper ( dude that drives the honey wagon) ,
"I SUCK SHIT ."
And every body moves away from him there on the group "W" bench .
Originally posted by zippyt
And every body moves away from him there on the group "W" bench .
*jumping up and down*
Kill, kill, kill......and we were both jumping up and down, yelling "Kill, kill, KILL!"....and the sergeant came over, pinned a medal on me, sent me down the hall and said, "you're our boy."
I didn't feel too good about it....
now, when i saw that sidhe had replied to this thread, i was just as sure as i could have been, that her advice would have been for griff to set up his own forum.
Make a ton of water balloons. Next, go to a public restroom and throw them over the stalls when you know someone is in them. Do not, in any circumstance, leave the restroom afterwards.
Then yell, "Whatchyou think of that, BITCH?? HAAAHHAHAHAH!!!".
Then wait and start the cycle all over again whenever someone else enters.
May I suggest at the police station or the Karate Acadamy.:haha:
Ooh, ooh...in the men's room at an Eagles game!
Originally posted by lumberjim
now, when i saw that sidhe had replied to this thread, i was just as sure as i could have been, that her advice would have been for griff to set up his own forum.
Actually, I posted because I wanted to see how long it would take wolf to hunt down the record in the hopes of contradicting me...:D
Sidhe
Go to an Eagles game wearing the jersey of the opposing team.
Originally posted by Griff
Things are going pretty well, do you guys have some advice for me?
Completely and utterly ignore your SO on a day that's special to her, like Valentine's day, her birthday, Christmas, or your anniversary. Act like she's not even there. That usually works when you really need difficulties in your life.
Sidhe
Originally posted by Lady Sidhe
Completely and utterly ignore your SO on a day that's special to her, like Valentine's day, her birthday, Christmas, or your anniversary. Act like she's not even there. That usually works when you really need difficulties in your life.
Sidhe
Dang, screwed that up. Got Pete the Norah Jones cds for v day... maybe next year.
Griff,
Move out here to Utah, post on your vehicle (has to be a big truck or SUV) That you support recycling, saving the canyons, religious freedom, selling liquor in the grocery stores, taxing the rich so the many children of this great state can have some &*%$# schoolbooks and also that you are vehemently against importing nuclear waste.
Buy OTC stock. Wear a Yankees jersey to Fenway Park*.
[SIZE=1]* or wear a Yankees anything and walk into a bar on Lansdowne Street. [/SIZE]
Buy a car from Lumberjim. Pay his asking price.
"Yeah, sure. Come on down! I'll getcha a good deal!"
Heh heh heh.
yooo guys.......gawsh......
i'll give you a great deal on the car.......it's the interest rate, gap insurance, extended warranty, and undercoating that will make you bleed from your ass!
Sorry.. I'm so goddamned tired right now I don't know what the hell I'm saying. That's why I'm holding off on a couple meaty replies until later. :)
Originally posted by lumberjim
i'll give you a great deal on the car.......it's the interest rate, gap insurance, extended warranty, and undercoating that will make you bleed from your ass!
Ha! I didn't get any of that! Not even the interest rate!
go to the mall with a bag full of powdered sugar. start throwing it everywhere while yelling "you're all gonna die!"
Buy those P3N|S ENLARGMNT P|LLS that you get spamed about all the time...
Take them till you have a whale penis.
Join a group-suicide alien-revering cult and spend your children's college savings on homeopathics and/or dianetics.
Eat paint chips. Old ones. Perhaps off of a Doodad™.
Go to your company's main network room/closet, where all blinking lights are, and fiber optic lines, and cat 5 cables, and telco wiring, and co-ax cables.
Bask in the glory of the information age.
Then pull out your hedge trimmer and cut every wire you can reach.
Originally posted by Slartibartfast
Go to your company's main network room/closet, where all blinking lights are, and fiber optic lines, and cat 5 cables, and telco wiring, and co-ax cables.
Bask in the glory of the information age.
Then pull out your hedge trimmer and cut every wire you can reach.
Your thinking is small weedhopper. In the pursuit of true electronic damage a Super-Soaker 2000 filled with solution of super-saturated saltwater is the ultimate implement of destruction.
I like the fact that minimal physical damage is done with the hedge trimmer, yet the time it would take to reconnect everything is monumental.
Especially if all those connections are undocumented... but no. That would never happen. Everybody has complete & up-to-date documentation on where the data & voice wiring goes. :cool:
Ah, gotcha.
Yeah the rewiring works if you don't want to cause too much physical damage.
Anybody here read the Bastard Opperator From Hell?
Originally posted by Michael Roth
Eat paint chips. Old ones. Perhaps off of a Doodad™.
Mike, DoDad is TM, Doodad is a legitimate word that spellchecker will accept.:D
Originally posted by Troubleshooter
Ah, gotcha.
Yeah the rewiring works if you don't want to cause too much [B]physical damage.
[/B]
Just a preference. It's the difference between taking somebody's completed 8000 piece jigsaw puzzle and scattering the pieces all over the floor, compared to pouring kerosine over the whole thing and lighting it.
Anybody here read the Bastard Opperator From Hell? [/QUOTE]
I read the first few. The technology is a little dated by now, but its meanness withstands the test of time. Great stuff.
>clickety clickety click<...
Sever your ring finger from your hand and lose your wedding ring down the drain of any fastfood's restroom facilities.
And then tell your SO that one of the nurses must have stolen it.
Or right after you get any sort of dentist work done, go stock up on gummie worms. Torture at its best.
Originally posted by Vilia Sonoben
Sever your ring finger from your hand and lose your wedding ring down the drain of any fastfood's restroom facilities.
And then tell your SO that one of the nurses must have stolen it.
Isn't this the plot line from a Law and Order-SVU episode? ;)
BOFH is still regularly updated on
The Register. Just look for a headline with "BOFH". I don't think it's as good as it used to be, but it can be fun.
I noticed the BOFH that's up now points to 4 years of archives at the bottom of the page.
Isn't this the plot line from a Law and Order-SVU episode?
Hmm. How did you *ever* guess?
Unfortunately, the severed finger does not have to be raped/sodomized/touched wrongly from your hand. However, if you prefer the SVU version of events, by all means go for it.
let's revive this one - it looked like fun.
here's my suggestion for someone outthere - Urge your SO to enter an amateur night competition at a local strip club - then vote for one of the other contestants.
Stop showering. Wear the same clothes every day and night (sleep in them) for months and step in all the dog-doo you can find. Mutter to yourself and have occasional violent outbursts. Stare really long and hard at people.
Find out where your boss shops.
Then, wear the same outfit he (or she) does the day after them.
When your kids reach middle-school encourage your wife to play with babies and make sure she's off the pill.
Hang a dead animal in your house for a week then use it for a surfboard. :greenface
"Freddie's Heart Attack Sandwich"--served open-faced on Texas Toast with tomatoes, ten slices of bacon, and drenched in queso (melted cheese with peppers for you weirdo northerners.)
Eat the whole thing. Then skip dinner.
well there is always the old standby - call out the wrong name during sex. if you really want to make life interesting, make it a name from the "wrong" sex. your home life is bound to be lively for awhile.
Become elderly or disabled in Missouri. Rely on Medicaid for part of your healthcare needs or the Public Service Commission to keep your utility rates in line. Continue to vote for Republican governors who aspire to impress the big boys in Washington.
Refuse to leave your house for any reason, and offer no explanation to family, friends, or employers. When the cops come to check your welfare, urinate on them through the slats of your boarded up windows. When they finally break in with a SWAT team and the whitecoats, be in the shower.
In advance, prepare several dozen videotapes of yourself in the shower. Have them playing in several rooms simultaneously at the time of your arrest.
When buying a house, take the seller's word for it that the basement/roof leaks only in "hurricane conditions". Fill the attic with treasures and pile the rest on the basement floor.
Feed wild bears with sumptuous morsels of fresh salmon for a couple of weeks. Go hiking in the woods with fish pinned to your down jacket.
A few pieces of bad advice garnered from AD&D
During a thunderstorm, stand on the top of a hill in plate armor, raise your sword to the sky and shout "All Gods are Bastards!!"
At full speed on horseback, charge into a densely wooded forest after your direst foe, who appears vulnerable. (To this day I can hear the player ask me ... "Why do I have to make a saving throw?")
Books bound in human skin do not make good bedtime reading.
Go to a pro wrestling match and lick the bosom of one (or all) of the wrestler's girlfriends. :bolt:
Go to Bing-hamp-ton....Find a cop. Strip down naked and paint you face red. Approach the occifer yelling and screaming while brandishing you favorite handcannon.
Tell someone that you have a problem w/dog packs. And he bring you a 22 Ruger with a scope and a baby nipple wired to it. Damn. That's all I need.
Join the Tom Cruise for President campaign.
Get drunk at your company Christmas party and hit on your bosses wife
Have sex with two women at your job, then let them know about each other.
Invest in solar powered flashlights
Do your wife doggy style and then shout out the name of your ex-girlfriend just as you're about to climax.
Eat lots of refried beans and then sit near the campfire.
Go to the Apollo theater, and shout out, "Which one of you niggers has change for a hundred?"
Compliment your wife by saying she blows you way better than her sister does.
Ask Radar for help in doing your taxes.