Humor...I Need Humor...

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Serengeti (of course) sunglasses
and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you
exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his AT&T cell phone. He surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,
where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix
on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then
opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image
processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an
email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data
stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected
Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of
this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page
report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally
turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the
shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs an animal into the trunk of his car. Then the
shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my
business. Now give me back my dog."

good one, els :D

kinda wish i'd of subscribed to this when i was married! yeah, right!:p

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. And, though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last three decades.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their car crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes, freshly pressed, in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the green fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day - any starting time you wish."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the couple. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!" The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking fat-free bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago you bitch!"

A woman was at the mall and she walked past the pet store, and there was a big parrot in the window with a sign behind it, "Buy this parrot, only $15.00". She had always wanted a parrot so she walked in and interrogated the owner about why the price was so low. The owner explained, "You see Ma'am, the parrot's previous owner was a prostitute, and she kept the bird at the brothel with her. So he says all kinds of disgusting and inappropriate things, and nobody wants to take him." The woman decided she'd chance it, and bought the bird.

When she got home, the parrot squawked and said, "New house... New madam." The woman chuckled and logged on to the internet to read up on parrot training.

A little while later, her two daughters came home from high school. The parrot squawked and said, "New house... New madam.... new girls..." The woman explained what was going on and they all had a laugh. Then her husband came home, and the parrot squawked and said, "Hi, George."

Mother is driving her little girl to her friends house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite."

"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, " ... all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"

"Annnnd," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

No comment...

Three Nuns get into a car accident and die.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets them and says, "Welcome to heaven, sisters, you have led good christian lives, I just have to ask you each one question before I let you in. Margaret, have you ever touched a man's privates?"

Margaret says, " yes, once when I was young, before I joined the Convent."

St Peter produces a basin of holy water and asks Margaret to wash her hands in it before she enters. As Margaret is washing her hands, Mary and Catherine are pushing and shoving each other, fighting over the next spot in line. St Peter breaks them up, and demands to know what the ruccus is about. Catherine says," I want to wash my mouth out before Mary puts her ass in that water!!

This is Mitzy.
Mitzy's owners thought she looked SO cute like this.
Mitzy even smiled for the pictures. (cant you see her smile?)
Mitzy was still smiling when animal control arrived.
Mitzy's owners looked just like the drapes in their living room.
Mitzy is pleading insanity. I think she'll get off. Can you blame her?

Originally posted by sixfeet
This is Mitzy.
Mitzy's owners thought she looked SO cute like this.
Mitzy even smiled for the pictures. (cant you see her smile?)
Mitzy was still smiling when animal control arrived.
Mitzy's owners looked just like the drapes in their living room.
Mitzy is pleading insanity. I think she'll get off. Can you blame her?

ahhhhh tequila and boredom, what a concept:D

[SIZE=1]whoa! a new tag line???[/SIZE]

      There are three types of sex in any long term relationship. House sex, room sex and hall sex.
      House sex is at the beginning of the relationship when things are still really hot and no matter where you are in the house you'll just do it then and there.
      After the relationship matures a little bit you both know when it's time and you head to the bed room. That's when your you're at room sex.
      After you do that for awhile you find yourself having hall sex. That's when you pass each other in the hall and say, "Fuck you."

      Additionaly, some relationships have a fourth type, Court Sex. That's when her lawyer fucks you in front of the judge.

Originally posted by Whit
[BAdditionaly, some relationships have a fourth type, Court Sex. That's when her lawyer fucks you in front of the judge. [/B]

oh lawd. did you have to remind me? i'm still licking my wounds!!

      Heh, ok then. More on that.
      How's a woman like a tornado? They moan when they come and take the house when they leave!
     Why does a bride smile when she's walking down the aisle? She knows she's given her last blow job!

Actually I heard it like this....


What do a Tornado and a Marriage have in common?

In the beginning there's a lot of sucking and blowing, but in the end you just lose your house.

Three nuns are walking through the park, when out of the bushes, a Flasher leaps. He throws open his trench coat and starts making lewd noises.


The first nun has a stroke.





The second nun also has a stroke.








The third one wouldn't touch it.

I heard it was 3 old ladies and the third one's arms were too short. Good joke though.


A pirate walks into a bar with the helm (steering wheel) attached to his crotch. The bartender looks at him and says, "Man that looks painful". The Pirate answers..."Arrrrgh, it's driving me nuts!"

Crazy guy walks in to see his new psychiatrist wearing only cellophane pants. The doc looks up from his desk and says "Sir, I can clearly see yer nuts".


Why don't women have brains?
They don't have penises to keep them in.


What's brown and sticky?









A stick.

Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Reverend Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says the great Jesse Jackson," that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a jet carrying the Reverend Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes , turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ....."

WASHINGTON,D.C. -- Hang on to any of the new State of Texas quarters.

If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.

The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Texas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. "We are recalling all the new Texas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking
meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. "The problem lies in the unique design of the Texas quarter, which was created by a Texas A&M graduate," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

How many computer programers does it take to change a light bulb?


None... "Um yah, thats a, uh, hardware problem."

As I was reading Plthijinx's Texas quarters to my hubby he started going through his change so in the middle of the story I picked on him if he was that intrested he better get to Wal-mart and get one trying to keep a straight face I finished the story by the last word I could have sworn he was going to throw his change at me...lol thank you Plthijinx That was well worth it.

Originally posted by sixfeet
As I was reading Plthijinx's Texas quarters to my hubby he started going through his change so in the middle of the story I picked on him if he was that intrested he better get to Wal-mart and get one trying to keep a straight face I finished the story by the last word I could have sworn he was going to throw his change at me...lol thank you Plthijinx That was well worth it.

LOL! that made it worth the post!!!:D :beer:

Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell.

At Hell's gates he meets Satan. Satan tells Clinton that Hell is full, but that Clinton will be replacing one of the current inhabitants. Clinton will be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell. Three doors appear before Clinton.

The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He's being forced to pound big rocks into little rocks. Upon seeing Newt in this predicament Clinton cringes and says, "That looks painful. I don't think this is for me!"

The second door opens. Behind it is Ted Kennedy. He is bobbing for automobile parts in a large pool of dirty water.

Grimacing at the filthy scene, Clinton says, "I don't think so." The third door opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He's naked and bound hand and foot. Kneeling before Ken is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

"I can handle that!" Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

"Very well," says Satan. "Monica, you may go."

A married couple is trying to do the bills and they realize after the husband's layoff they won't be able to pay them. They're afraid of losing their house and try to think of a way to pay the bills. Desperate, the wife says, "I guess I could become a prostitute."

The husband says, "That's horrible, we can't do that." But after some careful consideration they figure it's the only way so they decide to do it. The wife gets dressed up and they go to a corner.

A man pulls up in a car and she gets in. The man asks, "How much for sex?". The woman never went over prices with her husband so she says, "Wait a minute, I'll be right back" and she gets out of the car goes up to her husband and asks, "What do I charge for sex?" The husband replies, "I don't know, how about a hundred dollars?"

The woman gets back in the car and says, "That's a hundred dollars" and the customer says, "That's too much. How much for a blowjob?" She get's out of the car and asks her husband how much to charge for a blowjob. He says, "40 dollars".

So the woman gets back into the car and says, "40 dollars". The man says, "That's too much too. How much for a handjob?" She gets out of the car, asks her husband and he says, "20 bucks".

She gets back in the car and says, "It's 20 bucks". The John says, "Ok, it's a deal." He gives her $20, unzips his fly and pulls out the biggest dick she's ever seen. The guy is huge. She says, "Hold on a minute" gets out of the car, walks up to her husband and says, "Honey, can I borrow a hundred dollars?"

Originally posted by Elionwyr
How many computer programers does it take to change a light bulb?


None... "Um yah, thats a, uh, hardware problem."

Q: How is computer programming like sex?

A: If you make one mistake, you support it for the rest of your life



A distinguished professor of mathematics came into his office at the university one morning and found a pile of paper burning. Next to the fire was a bucket of water. He picked up the bucket, put out the fire with the water, and sat down to work.

A week later, when he came to work, he saw there was another fire. There was also a bucket of water in the far corner of his office. He picked up the bucket, carried it over, sat it next to the fire, and sat down to work.

After all, he had reduced the problem to one which was known to be solvable.

There are only two industries which refer to their customers as users.

A university comes up with a way to help students decide between a mathematics major or an engineering major.

They line the candidates up along one side of the gym. On the other side they line up attractive members of the opposite sex. Then they are given the following instructions: Every ten seconds you may walk half way to your partner on the opposite side. When you reach your partner you may kiss him or her as the case may be.

Some of the candidates leave and become mathematicians. The others stay and become engineers.

Because the mathematicians know that it is impossible to reach the other side given the directions.

But the engineers know they will get close enough for practical purposes.

Owed to the Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marcs four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
Eye am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

This should be in every pilot's manual..................

Why Airplanes are Easier to Live with than Women:

Airplanes usually kill you quickly, a woman takes her time.

Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go".

Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.

Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes
you've flown before.

Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

Airplanes expect to be tied down.

Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women,
it's usually not good.

And the thing you pray for the most is that they don't go down on you...?

Originally posted by Undertoad
And the thing you pray for the most is that they don't go down on you...?

no doubt! planes anyway!:D almost one time though, over I-10 at night in between Beaumont and Houston. i was able to troubleshoot the problem though before merging into traffic from above!

UPS man

One Monday morning a UPS man is driving thru the
neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both
cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The UPS man comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually we had it Saturday night,
this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday
morning." We had a about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, " How do you play that?"

Bob continues between hung over gasps," Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The UPS man laughs and says," Damn I am sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds,
"your name was guessed four or five times."

Two hunters, Joe and Billy-Bob, are out in the woods looking to kill a Bambi. They have been at it all day, and they have not once spotted anything white-tailed.

With a sigh of exhaustion, Billy-Bob puts down his rifle, rummages through his back-pack, and pulls out some Charmin. "Joe, you just sit tight a few minutes, I'm going to take a dump." Billy-Bob wanders off, Joe leans against a tree and munches on some granola.

Twenty minutes pass. Then twenty more. Joe is starting to get impatient, but suddenly, he spots a good sized buck wandering into range. Without making any sudden moves, Joe gets his rifle, and raises it into position. At the perfect moment, he snaps off a shot. The buck jerks, then buckles and falls without even taking a step. Joe approaches his kill. He looks at it for a while, and wonders why Billy-Bob hasn't come back yet. Really, he should have heard the shot.

Joe goes off and looks for his hunting partner. He spots him and lets out a hillbilly guffaw! Billy-Bob was squatting by a tree with his pants around his ankles, totally fast asleep. Joe, at least now knowing where ol' Billy is, goes off to field dress his deer. He's done some time later, and he is really a bit amazed that Billy hasn't woken up yet. Joe thinks to himself 'That Billy's gonna wake up and find himself a surprise!' Joe goes about setting up his good old country practical joke. He puts all the deer offal under Billy's squatting hairy butt, then he goes off and sets up camp nearby.

Some time later, Joe spots Billy approaching him, looking very green. 'Billy, you don't look so good, what's up?'

'Joe, this ain't never happened to me before! Gaddamm! I was out there taking my dump, and... uh, I must'a passed out! I wake up, and I find that I shit all my guts out! But now Joe, don't you worry too much, cuz with the help of a stick, I shoved it all back in!'

Men are like Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like Vacations . They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like Coffee ...... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night .
Men are like Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like Department Stores ....... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like Government Bonds ....... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Originally posted by Elspode
..... Now give me back my dog."

Fargin true Elsie.... note that the con-sultant cluelessly tried to make off with the shepard's sheparding tool. I've seen this in action.....

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water.
ACTION: Somebody is trying to sober you up. Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

The Army found they had too many officers and NCOs and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any member who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Master Sergeant who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my penis to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider; explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Sarge insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant to "drop 'em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sarge's penis and began to work back.

"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Sergeant calmly replied....... "Vietnam."

Just go to show ya , Never underestamate the smarts of a NCO!!

What's an NCO?

Non Commissioned Officer.

Two men made there way hitchhiking across the countryside, both tired and hungry desperate for some kind soal to pick them up. Finally, a farmer pulled up along side them and offered to take them back to his farm for the night and give them a room and breakfast for the night, on the one condition that neither of them touched his beautiful daughter, or punishment would prevail.

The Hitchhikers agreed at the kind offer and returned to the farm with the farmer. upon arrival they met the farmers daughter who was the most beautiful woman either had ever seen. during the night, while the farmer slept the beautiful and promiscuous daughter entered the hitchhikers rooms and had intercourse with them.

The next day the farmer was waiting for the two men outside their rooms when they awoke. "you have slept with my daughter" he bellowed from behind a large shot gun. "your punishment is to go into my field and pick 100 fruits of your favourite fruit and bring them back.

The two went into the orchards, The 1st returned with 100 grapes. The farmer, still armed, odered him to proceed to fit ever one of those grapes into his anus, until he did this he would not be released. he began..

he squished in 40grapes.. started to laugh and they all fell out.

he got to 70 grapes... started to laugh and they all fell out.

He even managed 99 grapes.. started to laugh and they all fell out.

"what's so funny?" asked the furious farmer.

the hitchhiker replied:

"My friends out there picking watermelons"

      Here's one very similar to the last one.

      A hunter gets lost in the woods. As he's looking for civilization he comes across a house. He knocks on the door and asks if he can stay for the night, as he thinks he can find his truck in the morning. The home owner, an Asian man, says that he can stay but warns that if the hunter touches the home owners daughter he will be subjected to the "Three Chinese Tortures."
      The hunter readily agrees, but regrets his decision as soon as he sees the daughter. Still, he reminds himself of his promise and goes to bed without trying anything. A few minutes after he lays down the daughter slips into his room and he thinks, "Ah to hell with that."
      The hunter wakes up the next morning having trouble breathing. He opens his eyes and finds a large rock sitting on his chest with a note on it that reads, "Chinese torture number 1: Rock on chest."
      So the hunter, thinking "this is the 'Torture'?" throws the rock out of the open window next to the bed. Then he sees a second note on the window sill that reads, "Chinese Torture number Two: Right testicle tied to rock." The hunter seeing the fishing line going from rock to under the covers has no time to consider and throws himself out the widow.
      On the outside of the window sill he see a third note. As he's falling he reads "Chinese torture number Three: Left testicle tied to bed rail."

Two intrepid explorers, Robbo and Davo come across a clearing in the jungle and, to their dismay, come face to face with the largest lion they've ever seen.
Immediately Davo crouches down and begins removing his sturdy explorers boots and replaces them with much lighter running shoes.
Robbo looks at him in amazement and says " You're a damn fool if you think you've got the slightest chance of outrunning a lion !"
"Forget the lion" replies Davo, over his shoulder as he sprints off " I only have to outrun you !"

1- When the Captain of a warship asks the helmsman " How's the head" he is asking for the ships heading.
2- The helmsman can be as lowly as a seaman in rank as he/she does no free thinking, simply turning a tiny knob as directed.

The Captain of our ship entered the bridge after we had sailed from a 5 day r&r visit toThailand and this exchange took place.

Captain "How's the head"

Helmsman ( (very) ordinary seaman Black ) " Not too bad thanks sir. I came back a little earlier cos I knew I was gonna be driving"

footnote; it was later discovered that this exchange had already taken place and had been documented in an anecdotal book. Black had read said book and had been bursting for an opportunity to test it out.

Yes, the Skipper eventually saw the funny side of the situation but his initial glare and protracted stunned silence had us in fear of Blacks immediate future.

A married couple is driving down the interstate at 55 mph with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.” The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.” Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70. She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.
She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling.
She says, “Is there anything you want?”
The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.“
She asks, “What’s that?” The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag.”

      A man is walking along a beach when he finds a lamp in the sand. He picks it up and starts rubbing it clean when a genie suddenly springs forth from the lamp. The genie says, "I am the Genie of the cursed lamp."
      The man repeats, "Cursed lamp?"
      The genie says, "Yes. I will grant you three wishes. However I will give twice as much to your mother-in-law."
      The man thinks it over asnd says, "For my first two wishes I want a 100 Billion dollars and a huge mansion with a forty car garage full of classics."
      The genie says, "Your wishes are granted. However your mother-in-law now has 200 Billion dollars and two huge mansions with 40 car garages full of classics. What is your third wish?"
      The man answers, "I wish you'd beat me half to death."

Shortly after being created Adam is wandering morosely around Eden muttering under his breath.
God's voice booms down " Whats wrong my son? "
" Well pretty much everything is perfect but I can't help feeling there's something missing" replies Adam.
"Don't worry, it's all under control my son" said God " I'm working on a creation to keep you company. It will be appealing to the eye, sympathetic to your every need, submissive to your authority and eager to satisfy all your, uh, needs but we'll talk about that later. I call this creation Woman. "
" Well" exclaims Adam " That certainly sounds excellent but what's it gonna cost me? "
" Glad you ask son because this little beauty's gonna set you back an arm and a leg"
Adam mulls this over briefly then responds " So what can I get for a rib? "

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

The two little old ladies, Mrs. Cohen and Mrs. Murphy, had been very long-time close friends. But being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own religion.

It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses.

Mrs. Murphy said "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen. How do you like it here?"

Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the care takers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."

Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it."

Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs."

Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you Mrs. Cohen."

Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"

Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend.

Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?"

"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below."

Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then....?"

Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs . . . we just screw."

This old man has his son put him in a retirement home. On his first day there he wakes up with a hard-on. Then a nurse comes in and gives him head. He calls his son and says, "Son, thank you so much for sending me here. I woke up with wood and the nurse gave me a hummer! This is fantastic. I love this place"

Then the next day the old man was walking down the hallway and fell down. An orderly walked up behind him, pulled his pants down and screwed him.

The old man calls his son and says, "Son, you've got to get me out of here. This place is terrible. I fell down today and an orderly screwed me!"

The son tells his father, "Well dad, yesterday you got a blowjob from a hot nurse. You've got to take the good with the bad."

The dad replies, "But son, you don't understand. I only get a hard on a couple of times a month. I fall down everyday!"

T.G.I.F. vs S.H.I.T
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde
already inside who greeted him with a bright,"T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied,"S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled, and repeated,"T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered,"S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile
and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain,"'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank
Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

pic

Wow. A relic from Gulf War I.

Recycling.

It's good for the environment, but really sucks bandwith, don't it? ;)

A Mother and Father take their young son to the circus.
When the elephants appear, the son is intrigued by them, and he turns to his mother and says, "Mom, what's that hanging between the elephant's legs?"
The mother is very embarrassed, and says "Oh, it's nothing son."
So the son turns to his father and asks the same question.
The father replies, "It's the elephant's penis, son."
So the son says, "Why did mom say it was nothing?"
The father draws himself up, and says, "Because I've spoiled that woman, son."

Originally posted by wolf
Wow. A relic from Gulf War I.

Recycling.

yeah, but given the circumstances and hadn't seen it around lately.......

i think this one will get some good use.....

Certificate of Upgrade to Complete Asshole

Awarded to____________________________________In recognition of your
obnoxious attitude, ability to piss people off, complete asinine
juvenile behavior and total dedication to personal gain without regard
to the many hardships you have forced upon friends, family and others
during your lifetime, you have become a legend in your own mind.
To recognize your upgrade from half-assed to complete asshole, gives
all concerned great satisfaction. If anyone, for any reason, doubts
your status.

JUST BE YOURSELF......!!!!!

Effective as of this_____day of_________________2004
Per:____________________________
Authorized Signature

Somewhere in the deep south Plthijinx called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"


"Yes, Plthijinx, that's true," answered the lawyer.

"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true, mister lawyer?"

"Sure is, Plthijinx, but why do you ask?"

"Cause I was thinkin, maybe I can sue Heineken for all them ugly women I've been waken' up with."

A poor bloke has been strande on a deserted island for quite some time when Elle McPherson and her drowned partner's luggage wash ashore.
It's not long before an intimate relationship is established and the pair are deleriously happy despite their isolation from the rest of the world.
One day he approaches her with various items from her ex's luggage and asks her to put them on. She obliges but asks why. He ignores her as he surveys her in the male clothing.
He then takes some soot from the fire and draws a moustache and beard on her.
She, again, questions him but he placates her soothingly and requests she meet him in a romantic spot at sunset.
She is slightly concerned but more curious to see where his sexual appetite is headed so she readily agrees to meet.
She turns up at the appointed time eager for new experiences.
He arrives at the appointed place, right on time, walks straight up to her and says "G'day mate, guess who I'm fucking"

A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the New Zealander took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed ,and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the New Zealander had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the evening ritual.
It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the New Zealander started to get "those feelings " again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously and whispered in her ear..........

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!"

Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

this should be told in the first person, like you're relating a hot news item:

you: hey. did you hear about the (insert local quickie mart name here) robbery yesterday?

them: no....?

you: yeah, it was pretty bizzare. these two guys went in and started trashing the place with golf clubs. They broke every glass jar in the store, all the glass doors, then they went after the clerks and chased them out of the store.

them: really?!

you : yeah,but the clerks got a good look at them. apparently they were dressed as golfers. ya, know, they had those hats with the little pom-pom on top, and the izod shirts...oh, and those pants....they're almost shorts...(as you say this you're making chopping motions down by your knee) what're they called??

them: "knickers"

you: No, they were white guys.



the risk you run here is that the person doesn't answer correctly and says " duh, i dunno" or " bloomers?"

My girlfriend came running up to me and anounced breathlessly, "That girl from Legally Blonde has been stabbed, you know, Reese something"
Horrified I reply " Witherspoon?"
Deadpan response " No, with a knife"

Late night sports commentator reflecting on the match between Aikiko Morigami and Aussie girl Nicole Pratt in the Australian tennis open, " Morigami seemingly held a chokehold on this match but FOLDED under pressure from the indominatable Australian."
C'mon Aussie C'mon

much like lumber jims corner store robbery joke

You: " I was at the _INSERT LOCAL PETROL STATION_ the other day and this girl pulled up and was acting very strange, she quickly jumped out of her car and filled up the tank so hastily she got petrol all over her arm. She ran into the office flung the teller a twenty for the fuel and jumped back into her car. then she did something truly crazy.. she lit a ciggarette and her entire arm went up in flames!"

Friend: "yeah! then what happened?"

You: "Then the police sirens could be heard, as she tried to speed off but was disabled by her flaming arm so they quickly caught her."

Friend: " then what?"

You: "they charged her for Illegal Fire Arms. "

owie

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come afirst.

Den I come.

Den da two asses come togeter.

I come once-a-more.

The two asses, they come together again.

I come again and den pee twice.

Then I'a come one a lastah time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

"Hey, coola down ah'lady," said the man. "Whozah talkin' aboutah sex? I'mah just tellin' my friend a here, how to spellah da 'Mississippi'!"

GREAT AIRLINE HUMOR

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS

Pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and

S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.



P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.



P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on backorder.



P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.



P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for!



P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



P: Suspected crack in windscreen.

S: Suspect you're right.



P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.



P: Radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed radar with words.



P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed

A COWBOY STORY

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and began a conversation.

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

Indian: Look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.

Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: Look of total disbelief.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: Extreme look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at Indian

Horse: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

Indian: Total look of utter amazement.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep liar."

you've probably already seen this but it's still funny

Those are good LJ. The fourth one reminded me of dialog in one of my favorite movies - The Thin Man

Nick Charles: I'm a hero. I was shot 2 times in the Tribune.

Nora Charles: I read where you were shot 5 times in the tabloids.

Nick Charles: It's not true. He didn't come anywhere near my tabloids.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Hel-LLLO...it's only 25 cents! I hate to think what they'd do if it was a whole DOLLAR?

A waspish Yankee and his beautiful young wife were vacationing in Texas. Driving along the Texas highway in their lumbering motor home on a scorching Texas day, the husband spied a man riding his horse off in the far, far distance.

"Oh, look honey! A cowboy! A real live cowboy!", he said, and quickly pulled the motor home over to the side of the road. He began honking the double airhorns on top while waving his arm out the window and yelling for the rider to come on over.

As he was a considerable distance away, it took the horseman quite some time to arrive at their vehicle. As he arrived, the couple came out of the RV and stood by the roadside.

"What can I do for ya'll?", he drawled. "You got some kind of trouble with this camper of yours?"

"No, no," replied the husband. "We just wanted to see a real live cowboy." The Texan was clearly miffed by this, since he had ridden so far out of his way, only to find a moronic Yankee who clearly wasn't in need of assistance.

"Well, then, guess I'll be leavin' now." He started to spin his horse around and go, when the Yankee man yelled out "Wait! Wait! I heard you Texas cowboys were real tough. You don't look so tough to me."

The cowboy eyed them for a moment, then slid down off his horse. He moved to stand toe to toe with the tourist, towering over him intimidatingly.

"We are tough, son," he said. "In fact, we're so tough, that right now, I'm gonna give you a demonstration. I'm gonna grab that cute little wife of yours, yank down her panties, and do her right here on the side of the road. And you know what else? While I'm doing her, you're gonna hold my balls up out of the sand until I'm done."

And with that, the Texan did exactly as he'd promised, and the Yankee did what he was told. When the cowboy was done, he turned without a word, buckling his jeans as he walked back to his horse, leaped astride without even grabbing the saddle horn, and rode away.

The couple dusted themselves off, silently got into their motor home and drove on back down the highway.

All was quiet for awhile, until finally, the husband looks over at his wife and says "You know what? I think that cowboy was a little bit afraid of me."

"What!? What the hell do you mean, he was *afraid* of you? Are you nuts?!! He screwed me, and you held his balls while he did it!!!"

"Well, yeah, I think he was afraid of me. I mean, I dropped his balls in the sand twice, and he never once said a word about it..."

Found this on the cool legal page o' stuff ....

UTAH WEIRD LAWS
"You cannot have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call."

This is actually surprisingly important to have a as a law.

Everybody in emergency services acknowledges that "EMS" is an abbreviation for Extra Marital Sex. You think people on soap operas get around? You've never spent time in an ambulance squad ...

I noticed that many states had laws against giving animals (pets, zoo animals, wildlife, fish) liquor and/or narcotics.

A rich Texan thinks he might give some money to an Ivy League school. He plans to visit a few to see which is worthy to have his money.

While he's touring the first campus, he stops a student and says in a Texas drawl, "Son, where's the library at?"

The kid sneers at the Texan and says, "Sir, a gentleman does not end a sentence with preposition."

The Texan shrugs and says, "Awright. Where's library at, asshole?"

A man was out of work, and he was combing through the want ads. He saw that a school was looking for a bus driver, so he called and was asked to come for an interview. He got the job, and was surprised when he went out and found that the bus was garishly painted with Big Bird, Bert & Ernie, and Elmo. Still, a job's a job, he thought.

As he went about his route, he stopped and picked up twin girls. These girls were rather portly, and as they entered the bus the first one said, "My name's Patty." The man asked the second twin her name and she said, "My name's Patty also."

Further along, there was a boy who was trying to put on a James Dean-esque cool image. As he got on the bus, he said, "yo! I'm Leonard T." He said in the seat right behind the driver, so the driver could see him in his mirror.

They were almost back to the school, and made one last stop. The kid who got on announced, "I'm Ross... and I'm special."

As they made their way back to the school, the driver noticed to his disgust that the kid sitting right behing him had removed one shoe to reveal a horrible case of bunions, which he was picking at.

As soon as they got to school, the man went to the principal's office, threw down the bus keys on his desk, and announced he was quitting. "Is something wrong?" asked the principal?

"I can't take this!" yelled the man. "I've got two all beef Pattys, special Ross, Leonard T. picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!!"

A Texan tourist's travels bring him to an outback cattle property.
The station owner shows him a couple of days of Australian hospitality despite having to listen to the Texans constant boasting.
On the third day the owner announces he has to go and check the boundary fences.
" How long's that gonna take y'all? " asked the Texan.
" Well, now i've got a new four wheel drive, I can check all four boundary fences in three days " replied the owner.
" Sheeiiit, boy, it takes me five days just to drive from one side of my spread to the other " bragged the Texan.
"Yair, I hear ya " drawled the owner. " I had a car like that"

Jesus, Moses, and an old man were playing golf.
Moses tees up, and makes a beautiful shot..unfortunately, the ball is headed straight for a water hazard. Suddenly, the waters part, the ball rolls through, and comes two feet from the hole.
Jesus said, "Good shot, Moses."
Then Jesus tees up, and again, it's a beautiful shot. However, his ball is also headed straight for the water hazard. When it gets there, the ball skips across the water, and comes one foot from the hold.
Moses says, "good shot, Jesus."
Then the old guy tees up. Beautiful shot...headed straight to the water hazard. when it gets there, it plops right into the water....a fish then breaks the surface, with the ball in its mouth. A hawk swoops down and grabs the fish...as it's flying, the fish drops the ball, and a squirrel runs down a tree trunk, grabs the ball, and drops it into the hole.

Jesus said, "good shot, dad."




A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were sitting around having coffee one day, and got onto the subject of how they distributed offerings. The rabbi said, "we have a pretty good system, I think. I take a piece of string, make a circle on my desk, throw up the offering plate, and whatever lands inside the circle goes to God, whatever lands outside the circle goes to the church."
They all nodded, and the minister said, "that's a pretty good system, but I think ours is better. I take a piece of string, separate my office into halves with it, and then stand on it and throw the offering plate up. Whatever lands on the right goes to God, whatever lands on the left goes to the church."
The priest smiled, and said, "We in the Catholic church have a foolproof method for division of the offering. I stand in the middle of my office, throw up the offering plate, and yell, "KEEP WHAT YOU WANT!"




Sidhe

Men Versus Women


>
>
>
>He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've
>got nothing to put in it. She said .. . . You wear
>pants don't you?
>
>He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
>She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the
>ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
>
>He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the
>grocery money I gave you? She said . . .Turn sideways
>and look in the mirror!
>
>On a wall in a ladies room . .. . "My husband follows
>me everywhere" Written just below it . .. . " I do not"
>
>Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
>world does it take to do the dishes?
>A. Both of them.
>
>Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the
>future?
>A. He buys two cases of beer.
>
>Q. What is the difference between men and government
>bonds?
>A. The bonds mature.
>
>Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
> A. So men can remember them.
>
>Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of
>toilet paper?
>A. We don't know; it has never happened.
>
>Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
>caring and good-looking?
>A. They already have boyfriends.
>
>Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her
>husband is every night?
>A. A widow.
>
>Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
>A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
>and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in
>bed and go to the fridge.
>
>Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars
>have in common?
>A. They're married.
>
>Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so
>beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her."
>But God," the man says, "why did you make her so
>dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

Someone sent this to me, and I thought the guys would appreciate it. BTW, be sure to let us know if you actually TRY any of these suggestions *grin*


15 Things to do at Walmart while your wife is taking her sweet ass time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in Housewares"... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on
layaway.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other
shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the
bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and
ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "Hey! You're out of toilet paper in here!"

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the
judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's
fucking Goofy."


A cop friend of mine sent me the following:

NYPD

Two men are driving through New York when they get pulled over by a State
Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head
with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The cop answers, "You're in New York son. When we pull you over, you better
have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy
his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head
with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your
buddy, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'"

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. (Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's last year's list.)


The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.


They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or

"de plane Boss, de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.


I don't know about y'all, but I had to laugh when I read this, because EVERYTHING applies to me...I never think of myself as "old" until I read stuff like this.

I did one for the guys, now here's one for us girls. I don't know about y'all, but I remember ALL of this stuff *sigh*


You know you were a little girl in the '70s if ...

1. You wore that rainbow shirt that was half-sleeves and the rainbow went up one sleeve, across your chest and down the other.
2. You made baby chocolate cakes in your Holly Hobbie Easy Bake Oven. You washed them down with the Snoopy Snow Cone Machine.
3. You had that Fisher-Price doctor's kit with a stethoscope that actually worked. After training with these tools you became an expert at the game of Operation.
4. Legos, Legos, Legos.
5. You owned a Schwinn bicycle with a floral banana seat and a basket. In the early '80s you moved on to the ever-popular 10-speed. Gosh that seat hurt.
6. Your roller skates had metal wheels.
7. You thought Gopher from Love Boat was cute. You had nightmares after watching Fantasy Island.
8. You had rubber boots for rainy days. Your shoes actually fit inside of the boots (with a little help from your mom and some plastic bags).
9. You had Sea Wees in your bathtub.
10. You had either a "bowl cut" or a "pixie" (not to mention the "Dorothy Hamill") because your mom was sick of braiding your hair. How traumatic when people thought you were a boy.
11. Your Holly Hobby sleeping bag was your most prized possession.
12. You wore a poncho with your faux fur muff and your clogs.
13. You begged Santa for the electronic game ... Simon.
14. You had the Donnie and Marie dolls with those pink and purple shredded outfits.
15. You spent hours out back on your metal swing set with the trapeze.
16. You were into Ping-Pong.
17. You had homemade ribbon barrettes in every imaginable color.
18. You kept losing your mittens so your mom bought you the kind that were attached by a string.
19. Your Hello Kitty pencil case was cuter than anyone else's.
20. You wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder really bad. You wore that Little House on the Prairie-inspired plaid, ruffled shirt with the high neck in at least one school picture. You despised Nellie Olson!
21. You wanted your first kiss to be at the roller rink.
22. You tried to make sure that no boys would grab the comb out of your back pocket and skate away at the roller rink. 23. Your hairstyle was described as having "wings."
24. You thought Shaun Cassidy actually wrote the songs "Da Do Run Run" and "Hey There Lonely Girl."
25. Strawberry Shortcake and her friends Blueberry Muffin and Huckleberry Pie.
26. You couldn't wait to be old enough to wear high-heeled shoes ... the one's called Yo Yo's with the plastic heel with a hole through it.
27. You carried a Muppets lunchbox to school.
28. You and your girlfriends would fight over which of the Dukes of Hazzard was your boyfriend or who would get to be Ginger and who got stuck being Mary Anne.
29. You memorized every song in the Annie movie and know at least one person who immediately went out and got the Annie afro. Every now and then "It's A Hard Knock Life" will pop into your brain and you can't stop singing it all day.
30. You had Star Wars action figures, too.
31. You thought unicorns were real.
32. It was a big event in your household each year when The Wizard of Oz would come on TV. Break out the popcorn and sleeping bags!
33. You wanted to be a part of the Von Trapp family.
34. Light as a feather, stiff as a board.
35. You loved The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe so much you got the whole Chronicles of Narnia series for Christmas but never read the other books.
36. You crawled in a wardrobe somewhere and actually believed for a few seconds that you were on your way to Narnia.
37. You completely wore out your Grease, Saturday Night Fever, Footloose and Flashdance soundtrack albums.
38. You tried to do lots of arts-and-crafts things, like yarn-&-Popsicle-stick god's-eyes or those weird potholders made on a plastic loom.
39. Shrinky-dinks!
40. You used to tape-record songs off the radio by holding your portable tape recorder up to the speaker.
41. You couldn't wait to get the free animal poster that came when you ordered books from the Scholastic book orders your teacher would give you. Remember? The order catalogs looked like miniature newspapers.
42. You learned everything you needed to know about girl issues from Judy Blume books. Are you there God? It's me, Margaret.
43. Care Bears.
44. You thought Olivia Newton-John's song "Physical" was about aerobics.
45. Wiggles jeans with the embroidery on the back pockets.
46. Friendship pins that you wore on your tennis shoes.
47. Shoelaces with heart or rainbow designs.
48. You wore knickers.
49. You collected Smurfs.
50. You wanted to be a Solid Gold dancer.

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After
his talk he offers question time.One little boy puts up his hand and
George asks him what his name is.

"Billy."

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the
support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got
more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kids
that they will continue after recess. When they resume George
says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a
question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks
him what his name is.

"Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the
support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got
more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why
did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the fuck
happened to Billy?"

from the WalMart list: I've done 1,5 and 15....so far.

and can you explain numbers 33 and 34 to me? I don'r seem to recall my little sister and those two.

Brian

We had Jehovah Witnesses show up today, made me think of this.......

Kissing Hank's Ass
A parable
by Rev. Jim Huber

There is a point to this story. You've just got to see it. Think analogies.......

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."
Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropists. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever he wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss his ass."
Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars?
Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you." Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"
John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit of you."
Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

From the desk of Karl
1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. .Drink only in moderation.
3. .Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4. .Eat right.
5. .Hank dictated this list Himself.
6. .The moon is made of green cheese.
7. .Everything Hank says is right.
8. .Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. .Don't use alcohol.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."
Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me: "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."
Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary: She blushes.
John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
Mary: She looks positively stricken.
John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary: She faints.
John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you where one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to
spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97
years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a
pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm
doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

Stop reading this if you've seen it before...

Things I'm Not Allowed to Do in the Military

The Pastor's Mother and the Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please." she answered.

"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good," he answered.

One afternoon Joe wanders into his regular tavern, but a little later than usual. Murph, the bartender, notices that Joe is in a particularly good mood.

"Hey Joe, what's up?"

"Murph, you won't believe it. I was walking along the railroad tracks on my way here, like I always do, and guess what? There was this naked woman tied to the track."

"No shit! What did you do?"

"What do you think? I cut her loose, and then we proceeded to have sex practically every way you can imagine!"

"Wow, that's cool, Joe. Did you get a blow job too?"

"Well, I wanted one, only I couldn't find her head."

Man, I definitely did *not* see that coming...but then, I guess she didn't, either.

Gotta credit Wolf with this one.:D
ABBOT: Super Duper Computer Store... Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou
ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou
ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just say,
I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue w
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOT: Real One.
COSTELLO: if it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch them?
ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOT: You click the blue 1
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue w is w\Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows!
ABBOT: No, just one. but it's the most popular Word in the world
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOT: Money
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOT: One copy
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOT: Why not, they own it.

According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you.
They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive.
Women who sleep on their stomachs are competent.
Women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.

One day, Bill comes home from the pickle factory where he works and confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests he see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill says heíd be too embarrassed, and he vows to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill comes home absolutely ashen.

"What's wrong, Bill?" his wife asks.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"She and I both got fired."

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO.
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the Facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “Pizza delivery guy “.

A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Little Tommy reminded me of Little Wille.

Also might be appropriate for the parenting forum. :D


Little Willie hung his sister
She was dead before we missed her
Willie's always up to tricks
Ain't he cute? He's only six!

Willie poisoned his father's tea
His father died in agony
Mother came and looked quite vexed
"Really, Will," she said, "What next!"

Willie fell down the elevator,
Wasn't found 'till six days later.
All the neighbors cried, "Gee whiz!
What a spoiled child Willie is!"

Willie, with a thirst for gore,
nailed his sister to the door.
His mother said, with humor quaint,
"Willie, dear, don't scratch the paint!"

Down the family wishing well
Willie pushed his sister Nell.
She's there yet, because it kilt her.
Now we have to buy a filter.

Willie saw some dynamite.
Couldn't understand it quite.
Curiosity seldom pays.
It rained Willie seven days.

[list]Those who jump off a bridge in Paris... are in Seine.

A backward poet writes... inverse.

A man's home is his castle..., in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress... just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

The definition of a will?... (It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.


The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia:... the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.
[/list]

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to speak my mind. I lost my job this past year. When Clinton was president I was secure and prosperous, but in the last year, we had to close our operations. We simply could not compete with foreign labor. This foreign labor worked for low pay under very bad conditions.

They worked very long shifts, and many even died on the job.

This competition could hardly be called "fair." I was forced out of the place where I had worked for 34 years.

Not a single government program was there to help me.

How can Bush call himself "compassionate?" Far worse, I lost two of my sons in Bush's evil war in Iraq. They gave their lives for their country, and for what? So that Bush's oil buddies can get rich. My pain of losing my sons is indescribable.

While it is trivial next to the loss of my sons, I regret to say that I also lost my home. I simply have nothing left. How can Bush call himself a Christian when he neglects people like me? I am a senior citizen with various medical problems. I'm not in a position where I can begin a new career. I was reduced to the point where I had to live in a hole in a ground, all because of President Bush.

And when the authorities found me there, did they have any compassion for my misfortune and ailments? No, I was arrested. Mr. Bush, I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a compassionate man! I dare you to look me in the face and tell me you are a Christian. If I had any money left, I would donate it to the Democrat Party.

If Al Gore had been elected in 2000 I would still have a job, a home, and most importantly, my dear sons!

Regards,

Saddam Hussein

Originally posted by wolf
...If I had any money left, I would donate it to the Democrat Party....
Regards,

Saddam Hussein

Apparently, Hussein is a Republican - he uses the term "Democrat Party".

Two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted on the playground.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua. Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua. "No, just the regular kind," replied Adam. :)

1. What's the difference between a dead lawyer lying in the road and a dead skunk lying in the road?

There are skidmarks infront of the skunk.

2. A man walks into a bar and says, "All lawyers are assholes!"
A guy sitting in the corner replies, "Hey, I take offence to that!"
"Why?" askes the first man, "are you a lawyer?"
The other guy replies, "No, I'm an asshole."

Top Ten Rejected Valentine Cards!!

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store.
In hopes that later, you'd be my wh*re.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking your big, round, fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled... so make me a sandwich!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown... but so has your ass.

3. You're a honey, you're a cutie
I just wish you had J.Lo's booty.

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister.

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are $2.99. Deer nuts are under a buck.

have you heard the procrastination joke?













Maybe I'll tell it tomorrow or something.

Redneck Greeting Cards
So your Daughters a hooker and it spoiled your day...
look on the bright side, she's a really good lay.

My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat...
when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry.

You had your Bladder removed and you're on the mends...
here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of depends.

Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine I felt real snippy.

Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.

You totaled your car... and can't remember why...
could it have been... that case of Bud Dry

How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light
bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to
condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light
bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation
of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and
lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs
and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to
buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this
group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions
about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start
it all over again....

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

named tw...

Nah...he doesn't normally do that sort of thing. He would throw in Action News and MBAs, however.

Don't forget quoting a lengthy, but unrelated, article from The Economist.

Ten reasons why it is easier to have a handgun than a woman

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s #9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.


#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.


#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.


#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.


#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.


#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.


#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"


#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.


AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS EASIER THAN A WOMAN . .

#1- You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

>U.S. Marine Corp Rules for Gun Fighting:
>
>1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your
>friends who have guns.
>
>
>2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Your
>life is expensive.
>
>
>3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
>
>
>4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough
>nor using cover correctly.
>
>
>5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and
>diagonal movement are preferred.)
>
>
>6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a
>friend with a long gun.
>
>
>7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or
>tactics. They will only remember who lived.
>
>
>8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and
>running.
>
>
>9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more
>dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
>
>
>9.5 Use a gun that works EVERY TIME.
>
>
>10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to
>beat you to death with it because it is empty.
>
>
>11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
>
>
>12. Have a plan.
>
>
>13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
>
>
>14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
>
>
>15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect Your Ass.
>
>
>16. Don't drop your guard.
>
>
>17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
>
>
>18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust, everyone else, keep
>your hands where I can see them).
>
>
>19. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
>
>
>20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
>
>
>21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone and
>everything you meet and see.
>
>
>22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
>
>
>23. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to
>avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
>
>
>24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not
>start with a ".4"
>
>
>
>Navy Rules to Gun Fighting:
>
>
>1. Go to Sea.
>
>
>2. Send in the Marines.
>
>
>3. Drink Coffee.
>
>
>4. Play with your Inflatable Doll.
>
>
>
>Army Rules to Gun Fighting:
>
>
>1. Go Back to Sleep.
>
>
>2. Send in the Marines.
>
>
>3. Wake up and have a Cup of Coffee.
>
>
>4. Tell the General the Enemy Retreated and Couldn't be Found.
>
>
>
>Air Force Rules to Gun Fighting:
>
>
>1. Blow the shit out of everything on the ground.
>
>
>2. Send in the Marines to kill whatâ?Ts left.
>
>
>3. Have a Cup of Coffee and wait for the Marine Recon Report.
>
>
>4. Take ALL the Credit.
>
>
>

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up,
staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the
face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the
hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your
grandma and she is good--the best I ever had! You hear me, boy? I said I got
it on with your grandma!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says
nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma moaned and groaned 'cause she liked it!
Now what do you think of that, boy?"

At this point the biker stands up, grabs the drunk by the shoulders and says
"Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"

Originally posted by BrianR
from the WalMart list: I've done 1,5 and 15....so far.

and can you explain numbers 33 and 34 to me? I don'r seem to recall my little sister and those two.

Brian

33. The Von Trapp Family was the singing family from "The Sound of Music"

34. "Light as a feather, stiff as a board"...it's a thing you do with about ten people or so... we used to do it at summer camp. One person lies on the floor, and everyone else sits around them, with one finger of each hand under their body. The person at the prone person's head tells a story about how the person "died," while the rest of the people are chanting "light as a feather, stiff as a board." Supposedly, at the end of the story, everyone lifts up, and are able to lift the prone person with just two fingers under the body each.
Of course, if you have ten people, it's easy to lift one person with twenty fingers....but it was really spooky and cool when you were a kid....:)


Sidhe

Originally posted by mrnoodle
>U.S. Marine Corp Rules for Gun Fighting:

>Navy Rules to Gun Fighting:

>Army Rules to Gun Fighting:

>Air Force Rules to Gun Fighting:

As a US Navy submariner I'll only take slight umbrage at your remarks about the surface fleet and amend the rules to include:

Silent Service rules for Gun Fighting

1) Always clear your baffles

2) Silence is your friend, and your only armor

3) There's no such thing as a target too small to use 650 pounds of PBX-105 High Explosive on

4) When in doubt, run deep and fast

5) Lather, rinse, repeat as needed until there are no more floating targets

lol excellent addition.

i should note that the rules were sent to me by a marine buddy -- the views expressed therein do not necessarily reflect those of this station or its affiliates, etc. etc. Plus, marines are nuts.

two condoms walking down the street, they pass a gay bar.

1st condom to 2nd condom " lets go in here and get shit faced "

mrnoodle said Plus, marines are nuts.

HEY I resemble that remark !!!!!!

Not ALL Jar heads are nuts , just the ones that NEED to be !!!




SEMPER FI , DO OR DIE !!!!!

P.S. Ya flippin' Swaby !!!!!!

I take it that you are one of the nuts, correct?

Originally posted by zippyt


HEY I resemble that remark !!!!!!

Not ALL Jar heads are nuts , just the ones that NEED to be !!!




SEMPER FI , DO OR DIE !!!!!

P.S. Ya flippin' Swaby !!!!!!

You're just mad because the Marines are only recently released from being a part of the Dept of The Navy.

We only kept marines around to carry our shit. We didn't even need them for security.

A bunch of sea going bellhops.

Troubleshooter said We only kept marines around to carry our shit. We didn't even need them for security.

A bunch of sea going bellhops

Only needed them to carry your shit ??? Who delivered our beans and bullets ???? Answer the Squids .
Who toted us from place to place ?? the squids .
nothing more than grocery toteing bus drivers !!!!

We didn't even need them for security ???? Uh when I was in the way NORTH atlantic for year provideing security for navy outposts , it was VERRRRRRRRY evedent that you guys needed leading about by the hand when it came to security ,,,, just ask the crypto tech that shit his pants and burned up a whole row of code mechines just because he was hot and proped open a door . I poked my head in to see why the door was open , he spotted me and FREAKED .. Major shit over that incedent , BUT i was following orders , he cought the shit over that one .

Bell hops ???? Who was wearing the bell bottoms and upside down dog bowl 's ??????? Did you even have liberty cuffs on your blues ????

Oh and SYC , i guess you could say i was one of the crasy ones . But hey SOME body HAS to do it , and i was proud to serv my country .


Troubleshooter , just ragging on ya , nothing personal , not my fault you desided to join the squids , but hey we needed the drivers as we were to busy learning how to blow shit up "REAL GOOD !!!!!!"

^^^^^^^^^

Originally posted by mrnoodle
Plus, marines are nuts.

What's funny is, I can incite flamewars between my marine and army friends in bars, too. They always get real pissed off, then drink a bunch and end up with their arms around each other's shoulders at the end of the night.

Makes me wish I had joined the service when I had the chance. They have this camaraderie us civilians can't fully comprehend. But at the time, I wanted to fly planes and my eyesight wouldn't allow it.

Of course, I found out later that nobody likes the pilots anyway, so I'd still be out of the loop. lol

mrnoodle said ,What's funny is, I can incite flamewars between my marine and army friends in bars, too. They always get real pissed off, then drink a bunch and end up with their arms around each other's shoulders at the end of the night.
They have this camaraderie us civilians can't fully comprehend.
,

Yeppers , we all rag on each other about what service each other joined , Its all good , its ALL part of it , but we ALL "sold our soul to the Devil for a while " .

And But at the time, I wanted to fly planes and my eyesight wouldn't allow it. Of course, I found out later that nobody likes the pilots anyway, so I'd still be out of the loop. lol

Oh those Zoomie basterds have their own loop we grunts ain't allowed to assoiate with .

A twelve year old boy gets hit by a car at a busy intersection.
A woman witnesses the entire event and runs over to the little boy, who's lying on the ground in a pool of blood.
She gently cradles the boy's head in her arms and whispers, "Do you need a priest?"
The boy moans, "How you can think of sex at a time like this?"

This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations >>10-10-98.

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN !!!, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse................Your Call.

dont tut tut me i'm new

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly
low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of
strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps
out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then
wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

Snopes says false on the lighthouse story! I knew I'd heard that one before. Snopes has the exact same text except that it's between an American and a Canadian and has a different date.

my apologies!

A communication between an Egyption and a Macedonian, communicating with signal fires:

Egyptian: Please divert your course 15 degrees south to avoid a collision

Macedonian: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees north to avoid a collision.

Egyptian: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees south to avoid a collision.

Macedonian: This is the Captain of a Macedonian Navy warship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Egyptian: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Macedonian: This is the FLAGSHIP of the MACEDONIAN NAVY, carrying ALEXANDER son of Phillip. We've got a whole LOT of soldiers who are REALLY bored out of their minds, not to mention some REAL good archers, so YOU divert YOUR course.

Egyptians: This is Pharos. Your call.

Originally posted by xoxoxoBruce
A twelve year old boy gets hit by a car at a busy intersection.
A woman witnesses the entire event and runs over to the little boy, who's lying on the ground in a pool of blood.
She gently cradles the boy's head in her arms and whispers, "Do you need a priest?"
The boy moans, "How you can think of sex at a time like this?"

Dude, that's just WRONG. Funny, but WRONG.:)

Originally posted by funkykule
dont tut tut me i'm new

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly
low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of
strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps
out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then
wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

Am I the only one who thinks that's "Dude, Where's My Car" funny?:D

There's also Louis C.K.'s "Bad Jokes", a section of his website that he started when he realized how it's hard to write an intentionally bad joke.

- What do you call a dog that doesn't lick his balls?
-- A Dogsn't

- Why can't a soldier look wistfully at the ocean?
-- Because there's no gaze in the military.

See, they're BAD jokes.

- What should you use to write down that you just took a dump?
-- A number 2 pencil.

Originally posted by zippyt

Troubleshooter , just ragging on ya , nothing personal , not my fault you desided to join the squids , but hey we needed the drivers as we were to busy learning how to blow shit up "REAL GOOD !!!!!!"

That's why I joined the Submarine Fleet.

Swift, silent, deadly.

And speaking of blowing shit up real good, that's why we carry
these

When you care enough to send the very best...

Edit: made the link work right

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed
him for ten million bucks.

This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings
along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million
bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where
the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking
about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what
you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to
the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure
if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a
brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's
backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull
the trigger!"

Here's one that registers on the ick-o-meter. For those of you who get the willies thinking of your parents doing it, pass this one up :D

Top Ten Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active!


10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-
burn."

7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.

6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.

4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.

3. You've just seen the photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section
of the May issue of Hustler.

2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

1. Craft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."

Rome- An Italian physics student, Lino Missio, has invented
a condom that plays Brahms' Lullaby if it breaks during a
roll in the hay. If the condom ruptures, an
electrical impulse is created, triggering the musical
performance.

I'm not sure if that's scary or not.

In Heaven:
the cooks are French,
the policemen are English,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are Italian
and the bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:
the cooks are English,
the policemen are German,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss
and the bankers are Italian.

Originally posted by funkykule
my apologies!

Don't apologize. It's a joke thread, not a current events class.:)

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic.
So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The
trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten
days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and
beer. "Ok Les give me the bottle opener." "I didn't bring it," says
Les. "I thought you packed it." Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan,
"Did you bring the bottle opener??"
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles
from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go
back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the
sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives
that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace. Twenty days pass and
he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is
a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a
promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich
each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind
a rock and shouts........ ...............


"I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"

(p.s. thanx bruce :) )

Originally posted by Shattered Soul




Am I the only one who thinks that's "Dude, Where's My Car" funny?:D

um....yes

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when
one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't
know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've
been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast
into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into
the house, I sneak up the Stairs, I get undressed in
the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're
obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into
the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw
my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the
ass and say, "WHO'S HORNY".....?!!!" and she acts like
she's sound asleep.




A PRAYER....



Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.



AMEN

YIKES!!! Is there something you've done lately you need to get off your chest, lumberjim?

Can't be. Must be humor because Jinx is too smart, to warn him in advance, of a whoopass coming.;)

Originally posted by xoxoxoBruce
Can't be. Must be humor because Jinx is too smart, to warn him in advance, of a whoopass coming.;)

no wonder you score a 140 on the iq test, bruce.

yeah, if i did something that provoked physical revenge, not only would i not see it coming, but she'd make sure i was naked when it happened so that it hurt twice as bad.

Freud

A fellow goes to the train station and wants to buy a ticket to pittsburg but upon looking over the counter he sees a beautiful girl with huge tits and instead he says "I'd like a ticket to TITSberg". Upon saying this he becomes embarrassed and goes red.

A fellow standing along side starts to console him

He says "Its all right - I'm a psychologist and what has happened here is perfectly natural - Its what they call a Freudian slip - Freud postulates that we think about sex a thousand times a day and when we see it in front of us, sometimes we make these small slips of the tongue - here - I will give you an example - The other day I was sitting on my porch having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say to her 'Excuse me dear, can you pass the sugar over here please' but when I looked at my wife I opened my mouth and said 'You fat ugly slut, you've ruined my fucking life'."

A woman standing in the check out line at the grocery store places


a half-gallon of 2% milk,


a dozen eggs,


a quart of orange juice,


a head of romaine lettuce,


a 2 lb. can of coffee,


and a 1 lb. package of bacon.


As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.


While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."


The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.


She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.


Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"


The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Out in the Wild West, Jesse James's gang forces a train to stop, and Jesse climbs on board. He bursts into a passenger car, pulls out his guns, and fires. Blam! Blam! "All right!" he yells. "I'm going to screw all the men and kill all the woman!"
A guy in the front row says, "Uh, Mr. James, I think you've got it backwards."
Suddenly a high-pitched man's voice in the back calls out, "Excuse me, but Mr. James is robbing the train!"

An intrepid explorer is captured by a tribe of Congo headhunters. Their chief declares, "I will allow you to go free if you pass three tests.
"Fair enough" says the bloke.
'First" says the Chief, "you must drink a skin of jungle whiskey, then you must pull the rotten tooth from my pet tiger and finally, if you still live, you must deflower my daughter."
The bloke looks at the tiger and decides it looks placid enough, he feels like a drink and sex is always welcome so he agrees to the test.
He gets comfortable on the ground and slowly but surely consumes the entire skin of whiskey. He gets unsteadily to his feet and with a glazed expression bursts into the hut reserved for the dental work.
There's much roaring and grunting, crashing and cursing but finally loud purring can be heard. The bloke emerges triumphantly from the hut, glares defiantly at the tribesman and says," Right, wheresh thish bish with the shore tooth."

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," answered the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up'."

HERE is a little gem I cam across recently and wanted to share with my fellow cellar dwellers.

Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.
She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Louella has been charged with ....


a Misdewiener

Originally posted by Undertoad
Snopes says false on the lighthouse story! I knew I'd heard that one before. Snopes has the exact same text except that it's between an American and a Canadian and has a different date.

BUT ....

the British Navy did run aground in a lovely new fiberglass state-of-the-art cruiser at the Rubbish Dump on our island sometime in the early 1990s. Our local police officer is reputed to have strolled to the site, gazed up at the dumbfounded captain and asked "Do you have a permit to leave this thing here?"

true?? which island??did i miss something?

Originally posted by funkykule
true?? which island??did i miss something?

Only England. :D

Okay here goes, I am hoping that nobody gets offended by this it's not too bad though.

There are 3 construction workers, one Italian one Mexican and one Polish guy and they all eat lunch together every day. The Italian guy opens his lunch box and sees Ziti. Man I am so tired of Ziti he says I wish my wife would make something else. The Mexican opens his lunch box and says "tacos? man I am tired of tacos". The Polish guy opens his lunch box and sees a bologna sandwich. He says the same thing how he is tired of bologna. The next day at lunch the same thing happens except the Italian guy says if I have ziti in my lunch tomorrow I am gonna jump right off the top of this building. The Mexican opens his lunch and says man if I get a taco tomorrow I am jumping with ya. The Polish guy opens his lunch and says make that three of us jumping. The next day all three men jump from the building and die. At the Italian's funeral his wife is crying and carrying on how she never realized he didn't like ziti and she blames herself. At the Mexican funeral his wife is crying and all upset about how she thought tacos was his favorite food. At the Polish funeral his wife is walking around thanking everyone for coming all calm and collected. When asked why she wasn't upset for making him jump because of the bologna sandwiches she replied "why would I get upset....... he packed his own lunch"

OLD VERSION:


The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------


MODERN VERSION:


The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome". Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Tom Daschle & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity for Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Republican.

Wolf, we disagree on some things, but at times like this I'm reminded how much you rock.

"Sometimes, when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel shamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they
might be out of work, and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to
myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come
true, than be selfish
and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I fee l sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~ "Unknown"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin of Cheersa;
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his
buddy, Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills
brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient
machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.."

19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It
"In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once
Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For
Sexual Favors"

7. Finish All Your Sentences With "In Accordance With
The Prophecy."

8. Dont Use Any Punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically
After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't
Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And
Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't
Attend Their Party because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I
Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The
Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're
Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The
Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

I apologise in advance, you've probably seen this before, but for those who didn't................



Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other
sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a tumble dryer.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag
filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
centre

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains,
one having left Cork at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other
from Dublin
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after
the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin
sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a
play.

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Grandpa had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student
on 31p-a-pint night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either,
but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a
land mine or something.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog
makes just before it throws up.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender
leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids
around with their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
as if she were a dustcart reversing.

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a
first-generation hermal paper fax machine that needed a band
tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple
it to the wall.

THE ORIGIN OF LIBERALS AND CONSERVATIVES

The division of the human family into its two distinct branches
occurred some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood, when human
beings coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.

In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented.

This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and
the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct
subgroups:


Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required a reliable source of grain, and that
was the beginning of agriculture.

Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was
necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery.

That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days killing animals to barbecue at night while they
were drinking beer.

This was the beginning of the Conservative movement.

Other men, who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to live
off Conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's
work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing.

This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Later, some of the Liberals actually became women.

Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of group
therapy, and democratic voting to see how to divide up the beer and meat
that the Conservatives provided.

Women were not interested in democracy at that time because most of them
were still women back then, and the Conservatives fed them.

The largest, most powerful land animal on earth symbolizes
Conservatives.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer white
wine or foreign water in a bottle.

They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French
food are on Liberal menus.

Their women have more testosterone than the men. Liberals like deviant sex
and want others to like it too. Their first successful city governments
were Sodom and Gomorrah.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, college professors,
journalists, and group therapists are Liberals.

Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't
"fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide for
their women.

Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively
outside government.

Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work
for a living.

Liberals do not produce anything. They prefer to "govern" the producers
and decide what is to be done with the production. Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.

That is why most of the Liberals just stayed in Europe when Conservatives
were coming to America.

Conservatives have principles, believe in a Creator, and the rule of law.

They practice charity and give to the poor, normally through their churches.

When in doubt on an issue, they check both the Bible and the
Constitution, which they use as a constant reference in a changing world.

They believe in the concept of truth.

Liberals do not have principles, except for their dedication to
stealing the production of Conservatives and undermining principled
references such as the Bible and Constitution.

They are never in doubt on an issue because they always do whatever is best
for them at the time without regard to others.

They have no standard of reference and are never consistent.

Liberals do not give to charity.

They cultivate the poor like a cat cultivates a field of mice.

They use the poor as voters and give them a portion of stolen tax
money, which they tax away from Conservatives.

Conservatives believe in self-defense, both at home and abroad.

They own guns and use them to discourage Liberals and other common criminals.

They provide guns to the armed forces to discourage foreign Liberals and
other foreign criminals.

Liberals do not believe in Conservative self-defense. They disarm
Conservatives, and then attack them with impunity by Liberal armies with guns.

King George III, Stalin and Pol Pot were all Liberals who abandoned the
rule of Law, had no principles except their own self-indulgence, and
attempted to tax and govern Conservatives. Liberals believe in BIG government.

They think the United Nations is the ultimate answer
because it's the ultimate big government.

Conservatives believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries,
convict common criminals and acquit fellow Conservatives who have been
charged by Liberals.

When serving in the armed forces, they shoot Liberals from
other countries who want to govern our country. Conservatives know the
difference between a common-sense law and a bone-headed statute passed by
some Liberal from Massachusetts.

When sitting on juries, they do not enforce bone-headed statutes, and don't
explain their reasons.

Liberals only believe in whatever laws appeal to them at the moment, such
as the privilege of making a living by taxing Conservatives. When sitting
on juries, Liberals convict producers and acquit Liberals and other common
criminals.

Liberal judges do not produce anything except chaos, and are paid by fellow
Liberals with confiscated tax money. They consider it illegal to reference
any source of law such as the Bible or Constitution.

Like other Liberals, they just make it up as they go and do what is best
for them.

Judge Roy Bean is their model.

The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative.

A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find
the owner of a huge cattle ranch.

He rode up to one of the ranch hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could
you perhaps tell me where I might locate your master?"

To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch ain't been born yet."

So, what'll it be? Steak or tofu? Wine or Beer? Domestic or imported?

Edited to add:

I think Coffee was developed by Conservatives, so they could get more work
done.

The liberals then created flavored coffees

The development of Drive through coffee kiosks, is a genetic mutation,
possibly the start of the THIRD PARTY SYSTEM, it is to early in that phase
of humanity to decide......

After reading this, I now know that I fall somewhere squarely in between Conservative and Liberal, especially where deviant sex and fiscal responsibility are concerned.

Oh...and there's also that part about consulting the Bible, which I don't do. What are you if you consult Tarot cards?

That should work.

Although a little bibliomancy never hurt anybody. The bible is much better than the phone book for that ...

Office Dares

Feeling bored in the office? Looking for something new and exciting to do?


Why not initiate an office dare system - Well read on.

One Point Office Dares

(1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.

(2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).

(3) Ignore the first five people who say "good morning" to you.

(4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

(5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

(6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmm, that feels sooooooo good!"

(7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way. But thanks for noticing".

(8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.

(9) While riding in the lift, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.


Three Point Office Dares

(1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him/her with double-barrelled fingers.

(2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."

(3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

(4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

(5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

Five Point Office Dares

(1) At the end of a meeting suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

(2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing frustration, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

(3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

(4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."

(5) After every sentence say "mon" in a rally bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

(6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.

(7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

(8) At lunchtime get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

(9) In a colleague's diary write in: "10 am - See how I look in tights".

(10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

(11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that? "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

(12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why say, "I can't talk about it."

(13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

(14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig etc) during a very important conference call.

(15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

(16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

(17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each biscuit with your fist.

(18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

(19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.


TEN POINTS ANYWHERE dares....

(1) At lunchtime sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

(2) Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

(3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask "Do you want fries with that?"

(4) Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN".

(5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine additions, switch to espresso.

(6) In the subject field for all your e-mails, write "FOR S**** FAVOURS".

(7) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

(8) Don't use any punctuation.

(9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

(10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

(11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

(12) Sing along at the opera.

(13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

(14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

(15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

(16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

(17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I Won! Third time this Week!!!"

(18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

Imagine that you go out one night to a really nice bar with your friends and

>have a few cocktails. They taste good, so you have a few more and then

>the dj puts on 'I Will Survive,' so you're off on the dance floor, a bit

>worse for wear. After an hour or so, when 'Heart of Glass' has finished,

>and more modern music comes on, you come back to the group for a rest and

>another cocktail or three.

>

>You notice a group of men standing nearby and one of them is looking at You.

>You look back at him and there is tangible chemistry between the two

>of you. He summons up some courage and moves over to talk to you.

>You like him, so YOU buy him a drink. He likes a woman who is not afraid to

>buy a man a drink. You get on really well. When the time seems perfect

>for both of you, he leans over and kisses you. You have never been kissed

>like this before, an electric kiss - a tingle shudders through your entire

>body and you don't want it to stop.

>

>"I don't usually do this sort of thing," you hear yourself saying, "but I've

>never felt like this before. Do you want to come back to my place?"

>you wake up the next morning, and you roll out of bed, half-asleep, to go to

>the toilet, last night's memories slightly blurred. You look at yourself in

>the mirror, make an "urgh" sound and sit down on the toilet.

>As you're sitting there, vivid flashes of what would seem like a marathon

>sex session flicker back into your head and you remember that you fell in

>love last night. With a smile on your face, you stand up and walk

>back to the bedroom and see ......................

[size=3][color=blue]BLUE58![/color][/size]

AAARGH! My eyes!!! There is no god.

Damn, that Mr. Market dude just keeps coming back. Or maybe its that guy with the gold suit after the movie studio tracked his sorry ass down and repo'd it.

Either way, that was just plain disgusting.

Sun_Sparkz, membership to the Cellar has its priviliges. It also has its responsibilities. Think on that for a bit will ya?

:vomit:

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the below outlined procedures when accessing their accounts. MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed after months of careful research. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender. "

MALE PROCEDURE
[list=1]
[*] Drive up to the cash machine.

[*] Roll down your car window.

[*] Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

[*] Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

[*] Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

[*] Put window up.

[*] Drive off.
[/list=1]


FEMALE PROCEDURE
[list=1]

[*] Drive up to cash machine.

[*] Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

[*] Set parking brake, put the window down

[*] Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

[*] Turn the radio down.

[*] Attempt to insert card into machine.

[*] Open the car door to allow easy access to machine due to it's excessive distance from the vehicle.

[*] Insert card.

[*] Reinsert card the right way up.

[*] Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

[*] Enter PIN.

[*] Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.

[*] Enter amount of cash required.

[*] Check make up in rear view mirror.

[*] Retrieve cash and receipt.

[*] Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

[*] Place receipt in back of checkbook.

[*] Recheck makeup again.

[*] Drive forward 2 feet.

[*] Reverse back to cash machine.

[*] Retrieve card.

[*] Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

[*] Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver lined up behind you.

[*] Restart stalled engine and pull away.

[*] Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

[*] Release Parking Brake
[/list=1]

[SIZE=1]nyuk, nyuk, nyuk[/SIZE]

Hey, that's not fair.... I set my parking brake when I'm at a drive-up window.

Originally posted by SteveDallas
Hey, that's not fair.... I set my parking brake when I'm at a drive-up window.

[size=1]sissy[/size]

I leave it in first and burn out the clutch. All my shit is ready and I'm so fast on the buttons, being a lifelong geek, that even a double-account deposit, transfer, and cash withdrawl takes 30 seconds. I leave the receipts for the next guy so he can have a laugh.

I send my husband.

Originally posted by lumberjim
[size=1]sissy[/size]

Oh HUSH, you big brute.

Subject: Texas surgeons

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and
discussing surgeries :they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A
concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I
reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a
private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man
lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached
them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field
events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs.
Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and
alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80
miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the
horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of
the United States."

Originally posted by Beestie
Sun_Sparkz, membership to the Cellar has its priviliges. It also has its responsibilities. Think on that for a bit will ya?

thats why i put on a WARNING!! it wasnt that bad, it was just some guys backside, ther has been a lot worse posted elsewhere and without warning!

:rolleyes:

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit),
a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the
other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car,and
with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's
your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from
side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
To which she politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him
behind a bridge........"

Traffic Ticket: $95.00
Court Costs: $45.00
The Look on that Cop's Face: PRICELESS

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was
there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the
letter she explained that she had slept with two guys
while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with
him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would
do. He went around to his buddies and collected all
the unwanted photos of women he could find.

He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with
clothes and without) to his girl friend with the
following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove
your picture and send the rest back."

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERY NATIONALITY

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following
people are suddenly stranded by a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on the same absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a
restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees
make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; but how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't getting laid either.

The Barmaid

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jenny (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jenny's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have s*x with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for s*x. Jenny is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jenny remembers the night before and is only too happy toagree.This goes on for 5 nights.
On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jenny thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and may be shecan then skank some more cash out of him again. So she goes over and sitsnext to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he replies
"That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street" he replies
"This is unbelievable..." she says, "... what number?" He says"Number 20" and she is totally astonished.
"You are not going to believe
this but I'm from Number 22 and my parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.

How to Shower Like a Woman



1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.



2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.



4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.



5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.



6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.



7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.



8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.



9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.



10. Rinse conditioner off hair.



11. Shave armpits and legs.



12. Turn off shower.



13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.



14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.



15. Check entire body for blemishes, tweeze hairs.



16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.



17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.





How to Shower Like a Man



1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.



2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.



3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.



4. Get in the shower.



5. Wash your face.



6. Wash your armpits.



7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.



8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.



9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.



10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.



11. Shampoo your hair.



12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.



13. Pee.



14. Rinse off and get out of shower.



15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.



16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.



17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.



18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.



19. Throw wet towel on bed.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf course clubhouse. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a
man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,500. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2004 models. I saw one I really
liked - a little coupe.
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$68,000"
MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! One more little thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market.
They're only asking $750,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $725,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men are looking at him in astonishment with stark horror on their faces.
Then the man grins and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
====
Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
====
Republican's Answer:

BANG!
====
Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click ....(sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click
Daughter: "Nice group, mommy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?

No, honey, I switched to the Cor-Bons.

(and I'd need fewer bangs.)

Originally posted by wolf
No, honey, I switched to the Cor-Bons.

(and I'd need fewer bangs.)

The extra bangs are a litigation prevention measure.

Confessions of a closet carb fiend:

I probably shouldn't admit this to you younger readers, but when my
generation was your age, we did some pretty stupid things. I'm talking about
taking CRAZY risks. We drank water right from the tap. We used aspirin
bottles that you could actually open with your bare hands. We bought
appliances that were not festooned with helpful safety warnings such as ''DO
NOT BATHE WITH THIS TOASTER.''

But for sheer insanity, the wildest thing we did was -- prepare to be
shocked -- we deliberately ingested carbohydrates.

I know, I know. It was wrong. But we were young and foolish, and there was a
lot of peer pressure. You'd be at a party, and there would be a lava lamp
blooping away, and a Jimi Hendrix record playing (a ''record'' was a
primitive co! mpact disc that operated by static electricity). And then, when
the mood was right, somebody would say: ''You wanna do some 'drates?'' And
the next thing you know, there'd be a bowl of pretzels going around, or
crackers, or even potato chips, and we'd put these things into our mouths
and just ... EAT them.

I'm not proud of this. My only excuse was that we were ignorant. It's not
like now, when everybody knows how bad carbohydrates are, and virtually
every product is advertised as being ''low-carb,'' including beer, denture
adhesives, floor wax, tires, life insurance and Viagra. Back then, we had no
idea. Nobody did! Our own MOTHERS gave us bread!

Today, of course, nobody eats bread. People are terrified of all
carbohydrates, as evidenced by the recent mass robbery at a midtown
Manhattan restaurant, where 87 patrons turned their wallets over to a man
armed only with a strand of No. 8 spaghetti. (''Do what he says! He has
pasta!'') ! The city of Beverly Hills has been evacuated twice this month
because of reports -- false, thank heavens -- that terrorists had put a
bagel in the water supply.

But as I say, in the old days we didn't recognize the danger of
carbohydrates. We believed that the reason you got fat was from eating
''calories,'' which are tiny units of measurement that cause food to taste
good. When we wanted to lose weight, we went on low-calorie diets in which
we ate only inedible foods such as celery, which is actually a building
material, and grapefruit, which is nutritious, but offers the same level of
culinary satisfaction as chewing on an Odor Eater.

The problem with the low-calorie diet was that a normal human could stick to
it for, at most, four hours, at which point he or she would have no
biological choice but to sneak out to the garage and snork down an entire
bag of Snickers, sometimes without removing the wrappers. So nobody lost
weight, and everybody felt guilty all the time. Many people, in desperation,
turned to disco.

But then along came the bold food pioneer who invented the Atkins Diet: Dr.
Something Atkins. After decades of research on nutrition and weight gain --
including the now-famous Hostess Ding Dong Diet Experiment, which resulted
in a laboratory rat the size of a Plymouth Voyager -- Dr. Atkins discovered
an amazing thing: Calories don't matter! What matter are carbohydrates,
which result when a carbo molecule and a hydrate molecule collide at high
speeds and form tiny invisible doughnuts.

Dr. Atkins' discovery meant that -- incredible though it seemed -- as long
as you avoided carbohydrates, you could, without guilt, eat high-fat,
high-calorie foods such as cheese, bacon, lard, pork rinds and whale. You
could eat an entire pig, as long as the pig had not recently been exposed to
bread.

At first, like other groundbreaking pioneers such as Galil! eo and Eminem, Dr.
Atkins met with skepticism, even hostility. The low-calorie foods industry
went after him big time. The Celery Growers Association hired a detective to
-- yes -- stalk him. His car tires were repeatedly slashed by what police
determined to be shards of Melba toast.

But Dr. Atkins persisted, because he had a dream -- a dream that, some day,
he would help the human race by selling it 427 million diet books. And he
did, achieving vindication for his diet before his tragic demise in an
incident that the autopsy report listed as ''totally unrelated to the
undigested 28-pound bacon cheeseburger found in his stomach.''

But the Atkins Diet lives on, helping millions of Americans to lose weight.
The irony is, you can't tell this by looking at actual Americans, who have,
as a group, become so heavy that North America will soon be underwater as
far inland as Denver. Which can only mean one thing: You people are still
sneaki! ng Snickers. You should be ashamed of yourselves! Got any more?

Hey! Give my man Dave Barry some credit!

ah, so .....
it was sent to me in an email.....not credited.

good eye, HM

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. Good" said the first bat, "because I fucken didn't"

A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster. A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.

"Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story?"

"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Liberal Democrat."

Tasteless humor:

(stop me if you've heard it before. . . ;))

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

....
...
....
...
....

[SIZE=1]full.[/SIZE]

A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes
to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him
and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross
examine him about his recent diet.
"Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be
the problem?"
The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be.
Tell me a bit about this missionary."
"Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was
walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged
him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him."
"Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles
the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!"

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them.
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his
house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... He's naked as well! That bitch!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

not much in a joking mood right now.. but here are some fun links.

http://www.scarysquirrel.org/page1.html
(ware the fuzzy ones!)

http://www.millikin.edu/staley/fluff/peep_research.html#Anchor-Th-56460
(peep research.. yuppers the fluffy masrhmallow candy)

http://www.peepresearch.org/
(more peep research)

http://www.despair.com/indem.html
(de-motivators)

http://www.kaicurry.com/gwbush/more.html
(political cartoons)

http://www.crazybone.com/slang/index.php
(slang translator! take your favorite web site and have it translated to cockney rhyming slang!)

http://www.sr.se/cgi-bin/p1/src/sing/default.asp
(this is just cool)

http://home.bbspot.com/
(hee hee hee hee news for geeks..*clearing throat*)

http://www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com/bbs/
(because...well.... good stuff)

http://prairiehome.publicradio.org/
(need I say more.. I like variety shows)

those ought to hold you for a bit.

hmmm bad link. Nevermind

Alright, years go there were two friends, the best friends in all the world.. Sam the Clam and Larry the Lobster, they spent all thier time together frollicking in the ocean, laughing, talking and generally causing the other marine life around them to give cause to stop.. point and speculate about 'just how close they really are..." at the weekly Bingo games..(but I assure they were just good friends.) but I digress... One day as they were merrily playing in a tidal pool some young buck strolls by and in that high squeaky voice that only young children have "look mommy!" as the proverbial 'hand of doom' reached into the tidal pool and pulled Sam the Clam from this world and into the next...Larry in a sudden pique of flight of fight reflex..fled..ran and ran and ran.. (and as you can imagine, that's kind of tricky for a Lobster on dry land..) back into the sea, narrowly escaping a simliar fate..
Once he was back in the ocean, he waited for a while to see if his old friend Sam the Clam would return.. he waited and waited and waited but eventually the reality of the situation settled on him like a ton of bricks (hee hee).... he became horribly morose and utterly depressed.. he began hanging out in the shadier sides of the reef and associating with lesss reputable species.. cuttlefish....gulf shrimp.. and moray eels... nasty bunch.. anyway! he stopped eating, sleeping and well.. eventually the life style he was leading caught up to him.. and Larry the Lobster shuffed off this mortal coil...
everything went black..
he saw a tunnel of light... and he began to ascend... the faces of friends and loved ones beckoned him onward..
eventually there he stood before the pearly gates...the sight was amazing! (and at the time he supressed a little victory dance.. he didn't feel it would be appropriate to do a little shimmy in the face of God..) SO! looking about and wondering what to do next.. he spies a tall handsome bearded fellow standing behind a podium.. this being really the only thing he sees... and being not the sharpest knife in the drawer.. figures (and rightly so) that perhaps this fellow could help.. so off Larry went..
Larry: "uh.. hello..I seem to uh.. be new here..and I was wondering what i should do now?"
St, Peter "AH.. welcome Mr. Lobster.. we've been expecting you"
Larry "really?... I mean towards the end there and all..I..uh.."
St peter "think nothing of it..."
Larry "on my way up I saw the faces of all my loved oned and all that.. but there was one I didn't see...."
St. Peter "oh.. Sam the Clam....."
Larry (excitedly) "RIGHT! he was just busy during my ascention (suprising himself that he remembered such a big word)....wasn't he?!"
St. Peter "ah..well you see....Sam didn't lead a life such as yours.. and *clearing throat* other accomodations had to be provided..."
Larry "What! you mean!!?!?!?!?!?!?"
St. Peter "yes.. that's right.." (pointing downward, shaking his head with a sad look in his eyes)
Larry "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I never even got to say goodbye..." (as he breaks down into a fit of hysterical sobbing)
St Peter "Look, Larry.. I tell you what.. we brokered a deal with the Infernal powers...It allows new arrivals an opportunity to travel to the Nether Regions to say good bye to thier not so 'propper' Loved ones.. before they get through the gates of heaven.. I take it you'd be up for that then?"
Larry (with a hopefull look in his eyes) "really...."
St. Peter "really here's the catch though...you have two weeks, no more and no less, and we're going to give you your wings, your Halo and your Harp now.. so they don't just throw you into a lake of fire or somesuch.."
Larry "lake of fire....."
St Peter "not to worry, as long as you have your wings, your Halo and you Harp.. when you get back... everything will be fine and you can bask in the glory of god for all eternity"
Larry "alright! lets go!"
so donning his wings and halo with his harp slung jauntily over one of his many shoulders off he goes.. the Elevator arrives and in he steps..
of course there is only one button...thankfully for Larry..
SO! down he goes.. and down and down and down.. eventually the lift stops.. and the doors slide ominously open... to reveal....An exact copy of Las Vegas crossed with Branson Missouri and New Jersey... ah teh smell of cheap perfume, swamp gas and buttered pop-corn assailed poor Larrys' Nostrils.... but after a moment his head had cleared up and he felt more or less alright.. so off he went in search of his long lost friend...Sam the Calm.. after stumbling around the Hellish conglomeration for a while.. he eventually spies an "information booth" and a large handsome, reddish fellow...casually thumbing through the new tax codes and chuckling a little under his breath...
Larry "uh... helllo sir?"
The Devil "Oh.. Hello....ah have you had a look at this?" (lifting the 40,000 page volume into view) "some of my best work yet.."
Larry "no sir..I'm just a lobster...I've never had to pay taxes..or have a job"
The Devil "hmmmm... well... that's no good..we'll see what we can do about that...But! anyway how may I help you young Lobster?" (breaking into his trademarked 'sly grin'
Larry "I'm uh.. looking for a friend of mine.. they said he was here..."
The Devil (producing an envelope from no-where) "Tell you what..if i can guess the name of your friend...I get to keep your imortal soul...deal?" (raising the envelope to his forhead...)
Larry "uh... no sir...I've already gotten my wings, Halo and Harp.. they're really expecting me back..."
The Devil "oh....alrighty then...*sigh* but i do love that tick..." (pening the envelope slightly dejectedly..) "Ah! Sam the Clam... yes.. he owns a disco down the street..."
Larry (looks down the nearest street only to discover to his horror that every builing is a disco!) "but..but..how ever will I find him?"
The Devil "Mwaa-haa-haa-haaa!... ah that's nt as much fun as it used to be....it's the 300,000th disco to the left... have fun... you want i should call you a cab?..."
Larry "uh no thanks...." and off he runs
eventually there he is standing before his old freind Sam the Clams disco.. In he goes and it is a joyous tearful re-union suffice to say the two old friends spend the entire week induldging in all of Hells finer pleasures
Larry blacks out... doesn't remember much of anything.. except at the end of the two week period sam and some other crustations pouring him into the elevator wishing him happy basking and promises that we'll keep in touch...
SO! hte elevator finally arrives back in heaven... Larry staggers out of the elevator and stumbles up to St. Peter..
Larry "oooooohhhhh ouch"
St. Peter "Bravo young Mr. lobster! you're back right on time... lets se if you have all your things so you can get into heaven..."
Larry "oooohh ouch"
St. Peter..." let's see it looks like you've got your wings...check"
Larry (rolling over to vomit one more time) "uuuhhhh"
St Peter "you've got your Halo...check"
Larry "aaasprin.. please god...have mercy"
St Peter "hmmm.. but where is your harp?..Larry! where's you'r Harp?!?"
Larry (in sudden shock!) "OH NO! I LEFT ME HARP IN SAM CLAMS DISCO....(sorry you have to say it out loud


secondly
Q.) how many animals can you find in a pair of womens pantyhose?

A.) 10 little piggies
2 calves
1 ass
1 beaver
and a fish no one can seem to find

That was the longest pun I've ever heard! <slaps you upside the head with a joke book>

Originally posted by Radar
That was the longest pun I've ever heard! <slaps you upside the head with a joke book>

YEAH, I'M PISSED. that's 4 or 5 minutes of my life that i'll never get back......that huge long tale just for a lousy pun? you should be ashamed, sir. ashamed, I say!

(sorry you have to say it out loud

you want a good "out loud" joke?

it's much shorter.

ask some one " what's the opposite of above me?"

the answer is "below me" said out loud, you'll hear " blow me"

try it out on your mother in law.

I liked it, Cowhead, don't mind the whiners.:)

A really old Jewish man wins the largest jackpot in California lottery history. He's on television accepting his giant check when a reporter asks him if he'd like to say anything.

The old man says, "Yes, I would like to thank Hitler!"

The reporter is shocked and asks "Hitler!?!? You want to thank Hitler?!?"

The old man points to his arm and says, "Yep, he's the one who gave me the numbers."

I've got more along the same line.. so be carefull or you'll get both barrells .

speaking of bad jokes that you have to say out loud.
Q.) what do you call a deer with no eyes?
A.) a bad eye deer

Q.) what do you call a with no eyes and no legs?
A.) Still no eye deer

Q.) what do you call a deer with no eyes no legs and copulating?
A.) still no f*cking eye deer

bah dump dump dah! thanks folks I'll be here all week at five and nine... don't forget to tip your bartenders and waitesses!

:D

Mr. and Mrs. Whale are swimming along in the ocean when they come across some stranded sailors in a lifeboat. Mr. says to Mrs. Whale, "Hey, go blow some bubbles under their boat and see what happens!"
"I don't know," Mrs. Whale says, "well, ok." So she gets right under the boat and start blowing bubbles. Suddenly the boat turns over and all the sailors are in the water.
"That was Great!" Mr. Whale says, " Hey, eat some and see how they taste!"
"Look," says Mrs. Whale, "I went along with your blow job but NO WAY am I going to swallow any Seamen"

This isn't exactly a joke, but I did find it humorous.

From the Netflix web site... renter reviews of the DVD "Strawberry Shortcake: Get Well Adventure":

"Don't get me wrong - I like Strawberry Shortcake and my two-year old twins adore "cake", but this DVD is horrible. The story is based around Honey Pie Pony sustaining an injured leg and her friends, including Huckleberry Pie and Orange Blossom, coming to her rescue. They bend over backward for her and all she does is complain. It would be fine if it were once or twice, but the dang pony just keeps droning on and on and on, which quickly becomes painful & frustrating to listen to."

"I have never seen a Strawberry Shortcake book, movie or cartoon. I was shocked to see how much sugary treats occupy the characters' attention. It encourages kids (directly and indirectly) to have bad nutrition. The narrative, characters and plot were not enough to make me overlook this (as I do for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I confess). Insipid, shallow, annoying, and bad for the teeth."

"So it's no surpise that this is sickly sweet, is it? For parents of girls ages 3 to 7, turn on the DVD and run like heck into the other room. My girls loved it, but I couldn't take it, even as background noise. What little bit I saw was harmless .... maybe a bit heavy on the reference to sweets, so beware if you're trying to pursue healthy eating with your kids. The "tension", if any, in the show is from an injured pony's bad attitude about being bedridden. No violence; I don't even think the pony's fall is shown. Rent at your own risk for your kids, then run ...."


And yes, this DVD will be appearing at the Dallas household in the next couple of days. Anybody wanna come over & watch it? :vomit:

CNN Urban Style

Thanks to UT's blog link for this one.

The Essex Girl is something of the trans-Atlantic equivalent to the quintessential blonde, a slag (invariably called "Sharon") whose IQ is in inverse proportion to her promiscuity. Most of the jokes are unprintable.

An Essex girl went down to the social services to get her family allowance. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, and Kevin," she answered.
"They're all named Kevin?" he asked. "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'Kevin' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'Kevin, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their surname."

Q. Why are Essex girls only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.

Q: Why do Essex girls wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

more.

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie. ...

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. . .

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not ...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

19. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

20. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

I do believe that was the funniest post thus far!!!!! :D

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well, Okay, We're Not,
But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Swedens
(For Most Tax Brackets)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber,
Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oregon: Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tennessee: The Educashun State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Texas: Sí, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vermont: Yep
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels don't Mix?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington, D.C: Wanna Be Mayor?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men...And The Sheep Are Scared!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several
southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own, entitled "Survivor: Southern Style."

The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia
and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana, finally ending up back
over in Alabama.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read: I'm Gay, I'm a Vegetarian, NASCAR Sucks, Go Yankees!, Smoking is for Idiots, Hillary in 2004, Deer Hunting is Murder, and I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!


The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins.

My name is Billy Evans. I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe. The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us
having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it
makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad. I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to people you don't know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will
come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base. Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be closer to coming true. Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10. If
you don't forward this email, that's okay. Mommy says you're a mean and heartless bastard who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don't stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow, horrible death and then burn forever in hell. What kind of cruel person are you that you can't take five fuckin' minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy? Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its turds in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.



Thank
You,

Billy "Smiles" Evans



P.S. You can send money to the person who sent you this
because that person is very trustworthy.

Got this in an e-mail yesterday, don't know who the author was but I wish it would have been me...



The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate
of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I
sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having an affair with her, then number 2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over.

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

jdbutler's test answer posting reminded me of this one, though I don't know it's actually a true story:

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen: "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."

One student replied:

"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.

The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = ½g x t². But bad luck on the barometer.

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2p v (l / g).

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building. But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'."

The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

That reminds me of another urban legend...

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as 'Bonkistry'. He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final, they had a solid A.

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:

(95 points) Which tire?

I've heard the same story; I suspect it's as old as the automobile, and perhaps there's a version involving horses throwing a shoe.

Of course, nowadays students who use the flat tire excuse agree on a tire beforehand (but don't spontaneously mention it to the professor)

>After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by
>George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at
>him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
>
>
>Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You
>wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
>
>James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said, "This is why I
>allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
>
>Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long
>cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration
>to pen the Declaration of Independence! ".
>
>These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and
>66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim
>terrorist leader.
>
>As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared.
>Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you
>promised me."
>
>The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you
>in heaven. What did you think I said?"
>

Greg made a living as a "session musician." He wasn't in a band; he played his clarinet for background music in commercials and such. He was very good.

One day he took a job playing for the soundtrack of a movie. When he was finished, and they were writing his check, he asked the girl what movie his music would be in.

She gave him a funny look. "They didn't tell you?"

"No," said Greg.

"Well ... it's a porno movie. It'll be released next month."

Greg had never played for a movie soundtrack before, and was very disappointed. But he wanted to hear his music anyway, so one day he found himself buying a ticket at a dirty little theater in the gay section of town.

Greg had never been inside a porno theater before. It smelled of urine. Soon after he sat down, a nice-looking elderly couple came in and sat down next to him. Greg was very surprised, and absolutely mortified. He had never seen them before, but they were the kind of people who went to his church every Sunday: gray-haired, clean-cut, conservative, polite, nicely dressed.

The movie finally started. It turned out to be the very worst kind of pornography: threesomes, foursomes, oral sex, anal sex, lesbians, masochism, sadism. Just when Greg thought it couldn't get any worse, a dog got into the act, mingling freely with the humans, performing sex acts with them.

Greg couldn't stand it anymore. He decided to leave. He leaned over to the little old lady and said, "Ma'am, I'm going to leave now. I've never been to this kind of theater before, and I only came here for the music."

She smiled sweetly and said, "Oh, I understand. We just came here to see our dog."

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor began the lecture by telling them. "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

Wolf that one is a slightly modified form of an oldie but goodie

My Mum is (was?) a doctor, she told me that the same story about 20 years ago, but instead of a corpse it was the slighly more believable story involving the taste of sugar in the urine of a diabities patient, the fingers switch the same..she told the story as happened to her when she was a Medical Student in the early 60's.

Unfortuantly she has alzheimer's now, doesn't know my or her name, hasn't uttered a word in four years, can't get out of her chair.

Hope I don't jinx the humor thread with that reality, but thanks for making me remember her telling me the story :D

The man and the little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, lad, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

An old man is sitting in a park when a young punk wanders nearby. The punk's hair is extreme to say the least--red, orange, green, purple, all spiked straight up. The old man stares. Finally, the punk turns and says, "What, you never did anything crazy in your life?"

The old man smiles and says, "Actually, when I was in the war, some buddies of mine and I got so drunk one night, that I had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if maybe you were my son."

http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html

do yourself a favour and take a look at these, the first time I ran across them I almost pissed myself I was laughing so hard, showed them to a friend the other night and.. yuppers they are still funny as hell.

Originally posted by cowhead
http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html

do yourself a favour and take a look at these, the first time I ran across them I almost pissed myself I was laughing so hard, showed them to a friend the other night and.. yuppers they are still funny as hell.

You're right. They're funny...... and disturbing..... don't forget disturbing. I'll be having bad food nightmares for weeks.

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for
traveling faster than the
posted speed limit.

Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to
give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the
man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands
but plays along with it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with
me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time.
So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good
grades.

When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a
doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree. So I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After awhile, I got bored being a doctor so I
decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through
school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, started fooling around
with my assistant. She gave me VD.
So I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took
away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away
my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just
FRED."

The officer walked away in tears from laughing so
hard and tore up the warning.

Damn, this is just funny....in a wierd kind of cellar-way. I figured you guys would appreciate the humor.


Ebay Trickster

A local car dealer, who was known to have taken advantage of some people in the community, wanted to purchase a cow from a farmer. So the farmer priced the cow in a way the car dealer could understand:
BASIC COW: $499.95
Shipping and Handling: $35.75
Extra Stomach: $79.25
Two-tone Exterior: $142.50
Deluxe Dual Horns: $59.25
Automatic Fly Swatter: $74.55
Four-spigot/high output drain system: $149.20
Automatic fertilizer attachment: $339.40
Farmer's suggested list price: $1,379.85
Additional Dealer Adjustments: $300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (including options): $1,679.85

so....., what's the punch line?

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:

8:00 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m.Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m.Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon- Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 p.m.Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 p.m.Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
5:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 p.m.Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!
6:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p.m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an
informant, he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the high metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ....

Return directions: Now, here's what you are supposed to do..... and do not spoil the fun. Copy (not forward) this entire email and paste it onto a new email that you will send. Change all of the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to all of your friends and including
the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about those who know you. Remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Have a great day my friends and God Bless each and every one of you.

These are my answers:

1. What time is it? Please be more specific

2. Name as it appears on birth certificate? It appears to be 12-point Courier

3. Number of candles on your last birthday cake? None. We did put an M-80 on it, though. That turned out cool

4. Dog? I thought these questions were about me, not the old lady

5. Hair color? I'm starting to get a creepy feeling this e-mail is some intelligence gathering scheme of the Dept. of Homeland Security

6. Piercing? No, because it is a gateway to Brosnaning, which is worse than an eternity in Hell

7. Tattoos? When I was young I got one that said 'Born to Raise Hell'. Now I'm just wishing I could raise my dick

8. Eye color? I don't know. I can't see myself in a mirror

9. Birthplace? It was a real god-awful mess when it was all over, I've been told

10. Favorite foods? Anything somebody else pays for

11. Ever been to Africa? Officially, no

12. Been toilet papering? At least once a day, more often as needed

13. Love someone so much it made you cry? Yes, I cried 'Bitch!'

14. Been in a car accident? Yes. Actually, it wasn't really an accident. I did it on purpose

15. Favorite salad topping? Naked women

16. Favorite day of the week? When you're unemployed, who the fuck cares?

17. Favorite restaurant? The Four Seasons in New York. Never been there, but I've heard it's good. Does anyone know if they have Buffalo Wings?

18. Favorite flower? Artificial

19. Favorite sport to watch? Gladiators

20. Favorite drink? Whatta ya got?

21. Favorite Ice Cream Flavor? The Baskin-Robbins 31-Flavors-All-in-One-Cone. It gets looks on the street, and nobody minds if you drip any on them

22. Movie company Disney or Warner Bros? Neither. Who is Ron Jeremy working for these days?

23. Favorite fast food restaurant? Surprisingly, robbing McDonalds is a relatively easy score. They sure as fuck ain't hiring any heroes

24. What color is your bedroom carpet? What would you call a 20-year accumulation of beer spills, bong water, cigarette burns, dog shit, urine from most known life forms? I know: 'College Collage'

25. How many times you failed your driver's test? You mean there is actually a person in this town who passed one?

26. Before this one, whom did you get your last email from? RRedd hot !!! Teeen^^^slutzzzs##are the~~~shnizzle%%for**your<><>wizzzle.. Come one & all@@@

27. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? The crack house at MLK and 5th, only they don't take credit cards

28. What do you do most often when you are bored? You mean like in the movie 'Body Double'? That looked really painful, getting drilled right through the floor

29. Most annoying thing people say to me? "You look just like your mother." "Hey, asshole, do you see any tits on me?"

30. Bedtime? I never fall asleep. I pass out.

31. Who will respond to this email the quickest? The Republican National Party, requesting a donation

32. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? Osama Bin Laden

33. Favorite TV show? I've never really liked anything on TV since they stopped showing test patterns late at night

34. Last person you went out to dinner with? I'm happy to say it was NOT Jeffrey Dahmer

35. What are you listening to right now? Voices. They're telling me to kill you

This young man in the Old West wanted to be the
best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in
a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation
of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The
young man walked up to the old man and told him his
dream.

The old man looked him up and down and said "I
have a suggestion that is sure to help." "Tell me,
tell me," said the young man. "Tie the bottom of your
holster lower onto your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"Definitely," said the old man. The young guy did
what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie
off he piano player.

"Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more
suggestions?" "Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of
your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come
out smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "It sure
will," said the old man.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his
gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "This is
really helping me. Is there anything else you can
share with me?"

"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can
of axle grease
over there in the corner and rub it all over your
gun." The young fellow didn't hesitate but started
putting the grease on the gun.

"No, the whole gun, handle and everything." said
the old man. "Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"No," said the old man, "But when Doc Holliday gets
done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun
up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

Ted Kennedy has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here, " says the devil. "You are on my list but have no room for you." "You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do."

"I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Ted thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" Ted said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Ted.

The devil opened a third door.. In it, Ted saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose.

Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Ted looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said............

OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

Ok, this is a forward, but it's good....

Cool chocolate math...
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute.......
Work this out as you read.
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked
it out! This is not one of those waste of time things,
it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that
you would like to have chocolate. (try for more than
once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)

3. Add 5. (for Sunday)

4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year
add 1754.... If you haven't, add 1753 .....

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each
week).

The next two numbers are your age.

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR IT WILL EVER WORK

Escape from Neverland


Oh, DAMN!

:haha:

Sidhe

Toilet Paper Fashions

I mean, how bored do you have to be?

I can't decide where to put this, so here it is:

Subject: Time to re-evaluate our involvement?



Every day there are news reports about more deaths.
Every night on TV there are photos of death and
destruction. Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force,
but it causes us nothing but trouble. Why are we still
there?

Many of our children go there and never come back. Why
are we still there?

Their government is unstable, and they have loopy
leadership. Why are we still there?

Many of their people are uncivilized. Why are we still
there?

The place is subject to natural disasters, which we
are supposed to bail them out of. Why are we still
there?

There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do
not understand. Why are we still there?

Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to
ordinary Americans. Why are we still there?

We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still
there?

They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost
billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford. Why
are we still there?

It is becoming clear...







WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA!!!



:D :D :D

Originally posted by Dagney
A local car dealer, who was known to have taken advantage of some people in the community, wanted to purchase a cow from a farmer. So the farmer priced the cow in a way the car dealer could understand:
BASIC COW: $499.95
Shipping and Handling: $35.75
Extra Stomach: $79.25
Two-tone Exterior: $142.50
Deluxe Dual Horns: $59.25
Automatic Fly Swatter: $74.55
Four-spigot/high output drain system: $149.20
Automatic fertilizer attachment: $339.40
Farmer's suggested list price: $1,379.85
Additional Dealer Adjustments: $300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (including options): $1,679.85

I posted that one to him already, as I recall....;)

Sidhe

Edit:
here

Originally posted by Lady Sidhe


I posted that one to him already, as I recall....;)

Sidhe

TO WHO?

To YOU.

see, syc. the world DOES revolve around ME.

that's not really all that funny, btw. i mean, it's kind of obvious, isnt it?

[SIZE=1]edit: i was referring to the car salesman cow joke being obvious...not that the world revolves around me........mostly[/SIZE]

Originally posted by Dagney
A local car dealer, who was known to have taken advantage of some people in the community, wanted to purchase a cow from a farmer. So the farmer priced the cow in a way the car dealer could understand:
BASIC COW: $499.95
Shipping and Handling: $35.75
Extra Stomach: $79.25
Two-tone Exterior: $142.50
Deluxe Dual Horns: $59.25
Automatic Fly Swatter: $74.55
Four-spigot/high output drain system: $149.20
Automatic fertilizer attachment: $339.40
Farmer's suggested list price: $1,379.85
Additional Dealer Adjustments: $300.00
TOTAL LIST PRICE (including options): $1,679.85

needs a punch line:

so the car dealer said he;d think about it, and he had to check with his wife first. then, he called back, said he could get the same cow from another farmer across town for $550, but it was the wrong color, and wanted the farmer to match the price. the farmer thought about it for a while, agreed to the price, but when the car dealer got there to take delivery, it turned out he had forgotten to mention that he'd filed a bankrupcy 2 weeks ago, and couldn't get approved for the cow loan.

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest dick he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this."

"It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's dong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

might have told this one already, but it bears repeating:

A packrat Rabbi had been saving the "snippings" from his circumscisions in a big pickle jar. he just couldn't throw anything away, you see. So here's this big preserved jar of foreskin on his desk, and his friend the taxidermist drops by for a visit. "hey, what's this?" he asks. The rabbi told him, and said " take it with you. see if you can use them for anything." So the taxidermist took the jar when he left.

About a month later, the taxidermist drops by again, and they talk a while. "what'd you ever do with that jar of foreskins?" the rabbi asks. The taxidermist leans over, and takes his wallet out. he hands it to the rabbi, who looked confused. " that big jar of foreskin, and all you got out of it was this slim wallet? I'ts a nice wallet and all, but....?"

The taxidermist nodded knowingly and said, "Well, yeah, but if you rub it just right, it turns into a suitcase!"

And if you don't have a wallet, you could always have calimari.

eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww :vomit:

I hate hoax warnings but this one is important.
Please send this to everyone on your e-mail list.
If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your ass, DO NOT show him your ass.
This is a scam; he only wants to see your ass.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap.:)

i want to tell a joke, but it simply has to be done in person. I tried taking a picture last night, but i couldnt make it come out right. so, let me describe how to tell this one, and you can try it out on your coworkers......trust me, it's funny.

go up to someone and ask them what a gay snake says. when they say, " i don't know, what does a gay snake say?"...you put your hand on your hip, make the gayest face ( eyes half lidded, tilt your head, etc...) and say ,"ssssssssssssssssssssssss" in your best flamer accent. try it out in the mirror first if you don't believe me. it's funny.

you can also do a lion, if you paw the air with a fake claw, and go "Rooooooaaaaaaar!" in the same Bea Arthur accent.

LJ, what is your fascination with gays? You joke about them all the time. What's the big deal?

He's a lesbian.

my fascination is with humor, not gays, glatt. 83% of my posts are of humorous intent. of that percentage, only 6% are directed toward gays.

a more interesting question may be:

you seem to be hypersensitive toward humor directed toward gays. why is that?

and, yes, i am a lesbian.

Originally posted by lumberjim
you seem to be hypersensitive toward humor directed toward gays. why is that?

It's because I see it as an injustice. As a general rule, I don't make jokes about minority groups who have had to deal with discrimination.

Maybe I'm too serious.

Originally posted by glatt
Maybe I'm too serious.

Perhaps. I find it best to make fun of everybody...that way, no one can claim discrimination.

Originally posted by sycamore


Perhaps. I find it best to make fun of everybody...that way, no one can claim discrimination.

Agreed. If they can't take a joke... :thumb:

Originally posted by glatt


It's because I see it as an injustice. As a general rule, I don't make jokes about minority groups who have had to deal with discrimination.

Maybe I'm too serious.

I think you are. To exclude some group from being the subject of humor, is discrimination.:)

Originally posted by glatt


It's because I see it as an injustice. As a general rule, I don't make jokes about minority groups who have had to deal with discrimination.

Maybe I'm too serious.

No, you just don't tell jokes much because you've excluded about 90% of them.

Ah, for the days of my childhood and the heyday of publishing the Truly Tasteless (insert ethnicity) Jokebooks.

Somewhere around here I may still have the flipover Irish/Polish edition.

actually, glatt, i thought about what you said, and what sycamore said, and i realized that gays are pretty much the only minority that i tend to make fun of. i dont make black jokes or fat jokes or mexican, polish, etc. not if there is a sensitivity to it. but here's the thing: i'm not actually making fun of their bieng homosexual. they can do whatever they want, and it's not funny to think about, really. i like to make fun of those that ACT overtly gay. flamers. they do that shit on purpose and it's hysterical. there is choice involved. i make fun of stupid people too, people that choose to act like fools, etc.

An Army Captain and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant walk into the head together. Both advance to the urinal, take care of business, and about face. The Captain heads to the sink, and the G/Sgt heads to the door.

"SERGEANT! DIDN'T YOU LEARN ABOUT BASIC HYGIENE IN THE FIELD?"

The Sergeant about faces, fires off a snappy salute, and replies, "Yes Sir. And in the Marines, we were taught not to piss on our hands in the first place."

Three little old ladies from Pasedena are killed in an auto accident. Their little deuce coupe is mangled. The bodies are shredded. Limbs everywhere. A truly horrendous sight........

St. Peter sees the accident, and is already looking up the names in The Book Of Life when the souls appear before him.

Unfourtunately, the names are nowhere to be found.

St. Peter says, "Ladies, it is not your time to die. I can't send you back to your old bodies, for obvious reasons. And God's not here, to set things right on that point, so.................."

The three little old ladies from Pasedena look at each other..........

"Here's what I'm gonna do", St. Peter says.

"I'll send you back as anyone you want to be. You'll get to live another lifetime."

The first little old lady says, "I want to go back as Marilyn Monroe."

"No problem."

The second little old lady says, "I want to go back as Sandra Bullock."

"No problem."

The third little old lady says, "I want to go back as Sarah Piplan."

St. Peter and the first two ladires look at her. "Sarah Piplan? Who is Sarah Piplan?"

The third little old lady slowly opens her changepurse, and with a shaking hand, pulls out a yellowed newspaper clipping, and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter looks at it and, with a heavy sigh, says, "I'm sorry, but thats "The Saharah Pipeline" 400 men laid in a week."

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of
the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her
on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two bedroom apartment above
the
garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

ARRIVING IN FRANCE

Touche'!

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane.
At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You've been to France before, monsieur?" the customs
officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he
had been to France previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for
inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have
to show it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your
passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained.

"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I
couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

Sixteen things Patton Oswalt would rather vote for than George W. Bush.

Dear Senator Kerry:
I am Designated Letter Writer for the guys down to Daryl's Bait Shop here in Lagniappe, Louisiana. We have been shaking our heads over your stumbling campaign. It ain't so much we like you or your Party, but you are a fellow American, born in the U S of A, so we don't want you to disgrace yourself. Here are 10 helpful hints we have worked up for you.

1. We know you served in Nam. You'd do yourself a favor if you didn't keep mentioning it every time someone pokes a microphone in your face. Geez, it was 35 years ago you did that for what was it, four months? Some of us Daryl's Bait Shop guys spent more time than that on chow lines.

2. Get your stories straight. Admit you threw your or someone's medals and/or ribbons over the Capitol fence in '71, and you went touring around with Jane Fonda, and you testified falsely to atrocities by US troops. You ought to say that was all a youthful mistake. We've made a few. We'll understand.

3. It's OK, you can talk French to French reporters if you want to, we don't mind. Smilin' Jack Boudreau can speak French, and we elected him Chief of the Lagniappe Volunteer Fire Company. We're not bigots. We call 'em as we see 'em, make up our minds.

4. Sen. Kerry, why aren't you touting your good luck in snaggin, not one, but two, rich wives? Here at Daryl's we often wonder what it would be like to have a really rich wife. We speculate just how big a bass boat we could buy, along with one of those new Dodge Hemi trucks to pull it to the crick. Smilin Jack always points out how it's his cousins, Marvin and Dickweed who appear in those Dodge Hemi commercials but still they can't afford one of their own. We chuckle how we could be fishin all day with nary a worry about where the money is coming from. You don't have to cook that ketchup, do you? Come on, show the world how lucky you are. We here in the South respect achievement and don't begrudge someone's good fortune even if he's a politician.

5. Me and Boudreau wonder why you aren't going to the wrasslin matches to get votes? We've seen videotape of you on the ski slopes. You got some good moves, looks like you already know how to take a fall. All us here (except Freddie Dobbs and Herm Harrison) are great fans of wrasslin. Not that we'd vote for you just because you was one. Armen Yazoo is a wrasslin maniac, but none of us would vote for him even if he was running only for dogcatcher. So you got to tread easy on showing you're Joe Sixpack who just happened to go to Swiss prep school and St. Paul's School and Yale College Skull & Bones. We'd see through that pose in about a minute and a half and mark you for a hypocritical windbag and general liar. You needn't go to the trouble of hanging a black velvet Elvis oil painting in any of your living rooms. Weren't none of us recently fell off a turnip truck.

6. Tell us something you're for. We already know what you're against.

7. We ain't all that impressed with the UN and we don't know why you keep bowing in its direction, promising you will go there first thing if you are elected President of this country. Is there anything the UN has ever done right? Didn't they make a royal mess of that Iraq oil-for-food program, millions skimmed off just happened to land in their personal bank accounts? Seems to us they spend around 98 percent of their time passing resolutions that don't add up to a hill of beans.

8. If you're for lower gasoline prices in the morning, don't be proposing a 50 cents a gallon tax boost on gasoline in the afternoon. Saying one thing in Shreveport and the opposite in Baton Rouge don't inspire us with confidence with you as President. Maybe you should stay in the Senate where you got 99 other guys to share the responsibility with.

9. We got indoor privies, color TV, cell phones, and computers. Give us some credit for brains and understanding. We know economic conditions are good and getting better. Your telling us we're miserable, deluded fools just won't fly. And it gives us the eerie feeling that you're hoping for a relapse into recession to help your electoral chances.

10. You have beaten all your Democratic opponents in all the primaries and caucuses held so far. Yet you seem out of touch with your party and with America. Maybe you've been a pol too long, been campaigning too long and you need a break before the Convention. We all think the best thing you can do is haul out your Harley, put TeRAYza on the pillion and take off for the Sturgis South Dakota Bike Rally. Meet the folks. A few of us from Daryl's will be there.
You don't have to get tattooed.
Sincerely, Cooter
;)

http://www.scarysquirrel.org/special/movies/foamy/fatkins.html

okay it's not for kids.. not even close.. but having a squirrel tell you some foul mouthed truths... priceless.. I recomend the rants and the non-holiday special...

When a nice (sexy) lady farts:
http://www.goodlaughter.com/funny/bigfart.html

2 irish guys walk out of a bar.













what!?! it could happen.

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper.
She plunked it in and covered it with icing. ...............................
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church.
Alice then gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at the sale the minute it opened and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale ... the attractive cake had already been sold.
Alice was beside herself.
A couple of days later, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (a prominent church member) say ... thank you; I baked it myself."

Three college buddies were commissioned in three branches of the service--Army, Navy, and Air Force--where they made their careers.
Although they maintained their friendship through the years, they argued long, bitterly, and inconclusively as to which service was the best.
They years wore on, and the three were called to their Heavenly rest, where they continued the dispute.
One day, they encountered Saint Peter, who asked what all the fuss was about. The three officers explained their argument and appealed to St. Peter to tell them once and for all which of their branches was the best.
Saint Peter reflected and admitted the question had never come up before. He agreed, however, to ask God and to get the definitive word.
Some time later, the officers again ran into Saint Peter and eagerly asked if he had received a reply from the Lord. Just then, a snow-white dove, carrying a note in its beak, landed on Peter's shoulder. Saint Peter took the note, unfolded it, and read it to the three officers:
Gentlemen:
Your squabbling and arguing are unseemly and futile. All three of your branches were equally brave, noble, and honorable. You all served your nation with devotion and courage. Take pride in that service, and forget your petty rivalries.
Sincerely,
God
(USMC, Ret.)

LOL!!!

OUT-FUCKING-STANDING!!!

That one is a keeper.

Semper Jarhead.:D

The River

One day, Three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging,
violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how
to do so.

The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to
cross this river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across
the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man Prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the
strength..and the tools to cross this river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in
about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also
prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools... and
the intelligence... to cross this river."

And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream
a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.


*************

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

Men will never learn.

**************

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat farther and farther, and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until
he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little fur ball on the phone, I'm lost and need directions."

The Visitor

"As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.

Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, making it harder to forget you.


Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...


You fucking mosquito."

Brilliant! Sent it to all my friends. :)

IT TAKES A TEXAN TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A WOMAN
On a recent flight from Chicago to Houston, a plane passes through a
severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse
when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up at the front of the plane. I'm too young to
die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last
minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can
make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman at the front of the
plane. Then a Texan stands up at the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous:
tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, toward the young woman, unbuttoning his shirt......... one button at time. No one moves....... he removes his shirt...... muscles ripple
across his chest.............. She gasps............ He whispers:
"Iron this, then get me something to eat.........." :smack:

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.

He also was quite a spiritual person.

Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.

Furthermore, due to his diet, he had bad breath...

He came to be known as a super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious. LOL! that is hilarious. :thumpsup:

Now [U]here's a happy monkey!
http://www.ircuser.org/files/monkey.swf

I love me an IBC. I prefer the cream soda, though.

George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient
government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in
here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and
father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister.
Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers,
"That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick
Cheney.

"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on
that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but no one can
give him an answer.

Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's
shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and
father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and to speak with Bush. "Say, I
did some
research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face,
"No, you dumbass! It's Tony Blair!"

I haven't seen this for years. :D

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse
fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a
ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by
properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining
the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and
harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ
depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be
replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced
using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static
sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden
discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be
used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls
for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer
missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing
these necessary items.

To re-order, specify one of the following:

P/N 33f8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33f8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls

hehehehehe he said "mouse balls"

Apparently, some of the minimum-security prisons are not as secure as we hoped.

"Escaped Convict On The Loose"
Franko Bulsara, a convicted felon arrested on several extortion and fraud charges, escaped from a chain gang yesterday, while on a cleanup detail for the county. Bulsara is 3 foot 2 inch tall, with several tattoos, referred to as 'tribal design', on his arms and chest, bald with a 'goatee' beard.
He usually promotes himself as a fortune teller.
Residents and police are warned to be on the lookout for a "small medium at large".

Two antennas got married recently.
The ceremony sucked, but the reception was great.

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a
candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile
hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his
pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired
voice, "I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping
Becky, everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept
with your sister, your best friend, her best friend,
and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky,
"let the poison work."

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'

A maori shearing gang have left the winter cold of New Zealand for a holiday in the Australian outback. Being practical types they stay at pubs so there's no need to move about much. Only two days into their break a frantic farmer bursts into the bar and rushes up to the gang boss.
" My regular shearers have gone walkabout and I need all my sheep shorn right away"
"Sorry bro, but me and the fellers are on holiday" replies the boss.
" Look mate, i'm desperate so i'll pay a buck a sheep " says the farmer.
The big maori doesn't bat an eyelid but inwardly he's excited. He thinks back to the last job, multiplies 22,000 by a dollar and thinks that's some serious cash for a weeks work.
" Okay bro, we may have a deal, how many sheep you got?" he asks the relieved farmer.
" Well, I hope it doesn't alarm you but there's nearly 800 in total " the farmer answers.
Again the boss doesn't show any emotion but looks over the farmers shoulder, winks at his boys, looks back at the farmer and asks " So, bro, what are their names?"

Is there something here that I'm not getting? :confused:

I'm guessing that with only 800 sheep, he'd be on a "personal" level, with all of them. ;)

Yup. 800 sheep would be considered a one man job in N.Z

800 sheep is considered a harem in N.Z.

So two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Covert to Catholicism and get $10." One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?" "Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it." Abe says, "What are you, crazy?" Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it." With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?" Murray looks up at him and says, "Jesus, is that all you fucking people ever think of?" :)

<center> Last 10 things the other sex would ever say

</center>

<hr>

<table border="0" cellpadding="15" width="450"> <tbody><tr> <th>No.</th> <th>Women</th> <th>Men</th></tr> <tr> <td>10</td> <td>Could our relationship be more Physical? I'm tired of just being friends.</td> <td>I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.</td></tr> <tr> <td>9</td> <td>Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.</td> <td>While I'm up, can I get you a beer?</td></tr> <tr> <td>8</td> <td>I think hairy butts are really sexy.</td> <td>I think hairy butts are really sexy.</td></tr> <tr> <td>7</td> <td>Hey, get a whiff of that one.</td> <td>Her tits are just too big.</td></tr> <tr> <td>6</td> <td>Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.</td> <td>Sometimes I just want to be held.</td></tr> <tr> <td>5</td> <td>This diamond is way too big.</td> <td>That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.</td></tr> <tr> <td>4</td> <td>I won't even put my lips on that things unless I get to swallow</td> <td>Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.</td></tr> <tr> <td>3</td> <td>Wow, it really is 12 inches!</td> <td>We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.</td></tr> <tr> <td>2</td> <td>Does this make my butt look too small?</td> <td>Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.</td></tr> <tr> <td>1</td> <td>I'm wrong, you must be right again.</td> <td>I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions</td></tr></tbody> </table>

TO BE SIX AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again, " she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up
made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took
her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put
her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the
Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,
everything there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her
loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra
fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie to see the latest
blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her
favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being
six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression
suddenly changed.

"You idiot, I meant my dress size!" The moral of the
story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it
wrong.

Ha ha- reminiscent of an old classic.
A young man takes a cute girl to the fair where they go on a few rides. He asks her what she wants to do next and she replies that she wants to get weighed. He dutifully responds by taking her to the 'guess-your-weight' stall.
Sometime later in the day he again asks what she'd like next. Again she replies with "I wanna get weighed". Athough mystified he again takes her to the stall and again she's weighed.
She seems to be miffed and he doesn't know why so he decides to drop her at her house as he feels he's failed to make a favourable impression.
She arrives at home, slams the front door, storms into the kitchen where her mother greets her.
" So, how was the big date?" mom asks.
"Wousy"

This was related as a true story.

Eric Douglas, the lesser well known son of Kirk Douglas, was performing stand-up in a West end theatre. His jokes were poor, the delivery stilted and the timing dreadful. Londoners, being entirely unsympathetic, were heckling him mercilessly.
Finally, in a fit of pique, he shouted," Do you morons know who I am? I am Kirk Douglas son! "
After only the briefest silence a quick thinker in the audience stands up and says," No, I am Kirk Douglas son! "

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess
I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian." :haha:

I am sorry if this has been posted already

There is a fly flying six inches over a lake and a fish watching that fly, thinking if that fly drops six inches I jump up and get me some lunch. Well there is a bear watching that fish, watching that fly and the bears thinks that if that fly drops six inches, the fist will get the fly I can get the fish I can get me some lunch. Well there is a hunter watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly. The hunter thinks that if that fly drops six inches then the fish will get the fly the bear with get the fish I shoot the bear and I can get me some lunch. There is a mouse watching the hunter, watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly. The mouse thinks that if that fly drops six inches the fish will get the fly, the bear the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear drop his cheese sandwich I can get me some lunch. There is a cat watching the mouse, watching the hunter, watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly. The cat thinks thinks that if that fly drops six inches the fish will get the fly, the bear the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear drop his cheese sandwich the mouse will get the sandwich I can get me some lunch. Low and behold the fly drops six inches, the fish gets the fly, the bear the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse gets the cheese sandwich, the cat runs up pounces and misses the mouse and falls into the lake.

So what is the moral of the story.......




No matter how much four-play you have a fly still has to drop six inches before a pussy gets wet.

that's a looooong way to go to get a pussy wet!!

speaking of fish

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to
loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more
than just a social thinker. I began to think alone --"to relax," I told myself
-- but I knew it wasn't true.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all
the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment
don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I
would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we
are doing here?" I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker.

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Man, I like you, and it hurts me to
say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop
thinking on the job, you'll have to find other employment."

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with
the boss. "Sweetheart," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you have," she said, starting to cry, "and if you don't stop, I'll want
a divorce!"

"But dear, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said through her rolling tears. "You think as much as
college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep
on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry again.

I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the
door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the
radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors. They
didn't open: the library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power
was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the
unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.

"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's
Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA
meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was
Porky's Revenge. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since
the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.

Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

Soon, I will be able to vote Republican.

Death of a Senator


A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the guy.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St.Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...Today you voted for us!"




One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," the wife replied, "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Minnesota Vikings."

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together, over 50 years ago? We went behind this tavern, then you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says "I remember it well"

OK he says, how about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it again for old time's sake?

Ooooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea, she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks "I've got to see this - two old timers having sex against a fence!"

So, he follows them - they walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get around back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skits, takes her panties down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen year olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She is yelling "Ohhhhh, God! and he is hanging onto her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.


Finally, they both collapse panting onto the ground.

The policeman is amazed. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman thinks, "I've got to ask him what his secret is."

As the couple pass by he says to them "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

No, there is no secret the old man says except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electrified!!!!

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list.

"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still
need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon
paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they have
covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers for the past five years
whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive
pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the
circumstances in the last 15 seconds before a crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of
drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of West Virginia was different, where 89.3 percent of the
final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!

lookout123 wrote:

Only the state of West Virginia was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!

Congratulations. You are among the select few to preview the slogan on next year's A & F sweat shirts. :D

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day", the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could". When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, " Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."


A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" answered the blond."They're watch dogs!"


A pompous minister was seated next to a TEXAN on a flight to Dallas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The TEXAN asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The TEXAN looked at the minister, then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

:)

[font=Courier New]A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

You're a lawyer ... this time I know I'm gonna get screwed.[/font]

Guess what I found in Walmart las night:

a toilet seat that said "satisfaction guarranteed"

Funny Torrere!

Ok..Ive got one

How many cynics does it take to change a lightbulb?

Oh you probably wouldn't get it anyway.....

An airplane was about to crash; there were five passengers on board, and
only four parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA player in
basketball. The Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the
first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hilary Clinton said, "I am the wife of a former U S
President, a senator from New York, and a potential future president, AND I
am the smartest woman in American history, so American people don't want me
to die." So she took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I am a senator and a decorated war
hero of the USA,; I am also my party's nominee for President." So he
grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.

The 4th passenger, President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a
10 year old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country
well. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The girl said "That's okay, there's a parachute left for you. America's
smartest woman took my schoolbag."

You know; I've never seen a person so depressed since the elephant sat on the farmer's wife.
(punchline drumroll)

Depressesd?

oh, well, that was not a very good one. how about this one:

Y'all know what is a Volskvagen? (pauses for answer) Ok, How many elephants can you fit into one? Five, 2 in the front, 3 in the back... but wait that is not the joke. Why the giraffes did not went to the movies. (scroll down for answer.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. Because the elephants took the Volkswagen. :thumbsup: :biggrin: :D

maybe the humor was lost in translation.

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm callin' about my neighbor, Billy Bob Pavon. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They sneer at Billy Bob and leave.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

Bill, Hillary and Kerry are flying on Kerry's wife's private jet.

Bill looks at Hillary, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Kerry says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his co-pilot, "Such Bigshots back there... I could throw all of them out the window and make millions happy."

I can't believe no one has put this one yet!
Why did the chicken cross the road?












To get away from KFC!

Ooh here's a painful one.

A little boy is driving throught he country with his dad and he sees a single cow out in the pasture. He asks his dad why that cow is all alone. His father replies, "Why thats because he outstanding in his field!"

(Little kid was me way back when and dad was you guessed it, my dad who is the God of all puns. It kills me.

Why is it that so much conservative humor involves killing people?

there are very few new jokes out there, we've all heard these with the parties and names switched so don't worry too much HM.

but, another answer might be that we're evil and find human pain, suffering, and death extremely entertaining.

I was mainly thinking of this site, which is where I see most of my political jokes (as opposed to cartoons).

... we're evil and find human pain, suffering, and death extremely entertaining.

There's your answer, HM! :stickpoke Man, we really need a devil emoticon or somesuch.

Happy Monkey wrote:

I was mainly thinking of this site, which is where I see most of my political jokes (as opposed to cartoons).

i know, i should have put a smily in there, i didn't mean that to come across in a mean spirited way.

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to the place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful women. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
----


A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother. "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
-----


A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?"

The man replied, "Yes — but we can't prove it yet."
------


You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

How do you tell the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

The skidmarks are in front of the snake.


*****

Why don't sharks eat lawyers?

Professional Courtesy.


*****

What do you call a busful of dead lawyers on the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

*****
(when I was a secretary there was one Public Defender that used to call a couple times a week and I'd hit him with a new lawyer joke every time.)

One of my major employment faux pas occurred when my boss' future son-in-law was introduced to me when he dropped by the office one day. I asked him what he did for a living, and he told me he was a student of criminal justice. I then told him the "skid marks in front of" joke (my variation was a skunk in the road). He looked at me, and said, with total disdain, "I'm going to become a lawyer."

My response? "That's okay...I'll tell it again real slowly."

To me - a chicken farmer cutting his penis off then watching his dog eat it is pretty funny.

so here you go.

lookout123 wrote:

To me - a chicken farmer cutting his penis off then watching his dog eat it is pretty funny.

so here you go.

Too weird. But you're right. It is funny.

I personally don't by it. He was obviously doing it on purpose, and then tried to think of a cover story afterwards.

If it's true, this is similar to the guy who recently tried to kill his puppy, but the puppy shot him instead. A lot of animal "payback is a bitch" stories lately.

obviously there is no need for PETA type organizations. the animals are going to rise up and reclaim their rightful position as rulers of the world.

I have to agree with Glatt. The guy did it on purpose and that's his cover story. You get a lot of this working in the ED. However, the usual story involves a man or woman with something very odd wedged in an equally odd body orafice and goes along the lines of, "OH! I must have accidentally sat on it!

His penis was the "noisy chicken" keeping him up at night! :smack:

i think it is important to be aware - if you have a noisy chicken keeping you up all night - just choke it. never cut it.

Guess I deleted the BUbba thing, but this is kinda cute.
Martha's Way
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will go away.
Maxine's Way

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

Martha's Way
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in
casseroles and sauces.

Maxine's Way

Leftover wine???????? HEL-LO !!!!! ;)

Oct. 1 - GOD, GOOGLED, EXISTS
59,900,000 Search Results Evidence of Deity, Experts Agree.
In the most conclusive evidence of a Supreme Being ever discovered, a Google™ search of God has proved once and for all that He exists, theologians agreed today.

“To those doubters out there who still don’t believe that God exists, I have just one piece of advice: Google™ Him,” said Dr. George Darlington of the University of Minnesota Divinity School.

The Google™ search of God turned up over 59 million websites featuring Him, a number that theological scholars around the world said makes God’s existence an open and shut case.

The stunning discovery, expected to wipe out atheism worldwide, was made entirely by accident by Jason Blivens, 22, a video-store clerk in Tacoma, WA.
Speaking to reporters today at his home, Mr. Blivens said he meant to do a Google™ search of the word “bod” but accidentally typed the letter “g” instead of “b.” “As soon as those search results came up, I immediately alerted the authorities,” Mr. Blivens said. “I knew this was something big.”

In contrast with the 59 million sites found for God, a Google™ for Satan turned up only 3 million sites, suggesting that God is much more powerful than Satan, as theologians have long argued.

But in a finding that some scholars called worrisome, Paris Hilton turned up on over 3.5 million sites, indicating that the hotel heiress has actually eclipsed the Lord of Darkness as a force for evil.

In a positive development, however, “good” received 178 million search results while “evil” snagged only 17 million, 16 million of those stemming from foreign policy speeches by President George W. Bush.
:biggrin:

How many hits ya get if ya pop in "sex"?

You can't just "pop in" sex. You have to buy her dinner first, unless you're Kobe. :blush:

Damn, living ALONE. I forgot that. Silly me.

[QUOTE=lookout123]i think it is important to be aware - if you have a noisy Choking the chicken as a cure for insomnia.. I'll have to remember that one.

Sure Steve, like you ever forgot. I suppose you forgot how to ride a bike too. :lol:

You might have seen this before, I got it in an email today and thought it funny enough to post. :biggrin:


Things that make you go hmmm...

Questions that really need answers...


1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if
they are going to look up there anyway?

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have
thesame tune?

14. Stop singing and read on..........

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

18. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Are you still singing the alphabet song?

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!

are you detail oriented? i was shocked to know that i actually knew this one.

test

Watch out for these new viruses - Symantec nor McAfee have solutions as yet!!!
~The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.
~The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.
~The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.
~The John Kerry virus - causes the floppy to flip flop on its stored memory.
~The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
~The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
~The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
~The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.
~The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB.
~The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.
~The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
~The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files.
~The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows.

A young newly-engaged couple wanted to get married in a really spectacular church. The priest said, "We have a number of requirements for new couples who wish to get married here. Among them is that they must abstain from having sex until after the ceremony."

The couple looked at one another, thinking how special this church was and so, reluctantly they agreed.

On the day of the ceremony they went to meet with the priest. The priest asked the couple "Were you able to abstain from sex?"

"No Father, we were not able to go without sex for the engagement." The young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the priest.

"To get our minds off of sex we decided to do a home repair project. My fiance was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf, and her miniskirt rose up revealing her panties. I got very excited by this and then she dropped the can of paint and bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right then and there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either."

this one is pretty sweet. i still can't see the difference in the 2 pictures.

spot the changes?

Credit: "Travel Naturally" magazine. I guess it's too late now...

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and he must commit suicide if he does (which could explain the rash of suicide bombers around the world).

So, in honor of National Nude Recreation Week, on Saturday, July 10, at 4 P.M. Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their houses completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to prove they are not Taliban and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wives, and to show support for all American women. And since the Taliban also do not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America. It is your patriotic duty to spread the word.

that is why virtually ALL of my ex-husbands live in the good ol' USA.

i say "virtually" because I cannot be certain of Jamaica. It was Carnivale...

California State Employee
Girly-Men Handbook

THE NEW 2004 CALIFORNIA STATE EMPLOYEE GIRLY-MEN HANDBOOK
by ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER


SICK DAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
work.

PERSONAL DAYS Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat
more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes
for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure Fat
people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to
drink a Slim Fast.

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to
your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a
$600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore
you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to
manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are
right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort
should be made to have no employees attend to the arrangements. In rare
cases where employee involvement is necessary funeral should be schedule
in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave that much earlier.

RESTROOM USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of
three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second
offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under
"Chronic Offenders."

Thank you for your loyalty to our great state. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience.



THE GOVERNATER

Doodle wrote:

RESTROOM USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of
three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second
offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under
"Chronic Offenders."

:lol2: Snorting orange juice through your nose isn't a very pleasant experience, trust me.

Ha ha Glad you got a kick out of it Cyber Wolf.

You'll have to forgive me is this is already posted, i'm a newbie.

Preacher's Donkey

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"

The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"


The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.

"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop.

"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.

"Oh, no..."

"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.

Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a

little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts

fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the

girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and

says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:

"Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But

I am not a New Yorker!"

"Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American

saves life of little girl'" - the policeman answers.

"But I am not an American!" - says the man.

"Oh, what are you then?" The man says: - "I am a Pakistani!"

The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent

American dog!"

There was a secret, surprise trial for Sadam Hussein today.


The sentence....

AHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!
But he deserves it !!!!!!

Corporate Lesson #6

In Africa, every morning a gazelle awakens knowing

that it must outrun the fastest lion if it wants to

stay alive. Every morning, a lion wakes up knowing it

must run faster than the slowest gazelle or it will

starve to death.



Moral of the story:

It makes no difference whether you are a gazelle or a

lion: When the sun comes up, you had better be hauling

ass

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. The woman enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse. Alone!"

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears looks him square in the eyes and says, "Listen carefully. For the last time, I said ... BRING POSSE!"

New drugs for women
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go
to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression
by rendering preschoolers unconscious for
up to 6 hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and
loneliness by reminding you of how awful they
were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait
till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full
cups swallowed before an evening out increases
breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents
conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment
of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by
controlling road rage and the urge to flip off
other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for women. Increases
resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make
me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency, duration, and credit limit
of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N

Relieves headache caused by a man who
can't remember your birthday, anniversary
or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on
anyone too eager to share their life stories with
total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E T
When administered to a husband, provides
the same irritation level as nagging him all
weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble
of doing it herself.

Slow to work, but I post & see.

Little Bobby was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc. Little Bobby was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Bobby aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Bobby, "He's a politician, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit."
:biggrin:

Jessie Jackson has added former Chicago democratic congressman Mel Reynolds to Rainbow/PUSH Coalition's payroll.

Reynolds was among the 176 criminals excused in President Clinton's last-minute forgiveness spree. Reynolds received a commutation of his six-and-a-half-year federal sentence for 15 convictions of wire fraud, bank fraud and lies to the Federal Election Commission.

He is more notorious, however, for concurrently serving five years for sleeping with an underage campaign volunteer.

This is a first in American politics:
An ex-congressman who had sex with a subordinate...
won clemency from a president who had sex with a subordinate...
then was hired ! by a clergyman who had sex with a subordinate.

His new job? Youth counselor. :eek:

xoxoxoBruce wrote:

His new job? Youth counselor. :eek:

NO FREAKIN' WAY! :headshake:

xoxoxoBruce wrote:

Jessie Jackson has added former Chicago democratic congressman Mel Reynolds to Rainbow/PUSH Coalition's payroll.

Reynolds was among the 176 criminals excused in President Clinton's last-minute forgiveness spree. Reynolds received a commutation of his six-and-a-half-year federal sentence for 15 convictions of wire fraud, bank fraud and lies to the Federal Election Commission.

He is more notorious, however, for concurrently serving five years for sleeping with an underage campaign volunteer.

This is a first in American politics:
An ex-congressman who had sex with a subordinate...
won clemency from a president who had sex with a subordinate...
then was hired ! by a clergyman who had sex with a subordinate.

His new job? Youth counselor. :eek:

i'm glad you posted that bruce - i came across that little tidbit several months ago but knew i couldn't post it without being slammed for being some sort of neocon prick. i think the whole thing was pretty damned hilarious.

Just because you didn't post it doesn't mean you're not a neocon prick. :lol2:

Seriously though, why this attack of thin skin?
btw- Somebody told me the state police caught some of our local Dems coming out of the Chester, PA, state prison on Friday night. They supposedly had boxes of absentee ballots and some sleazily dressed women with them. I haven't seen anything on the news but I've been pretty busy. :confused:

Here in La there is a push to get ballots into the prison for the people awaiting trial. As long as they aren't already convicted of some other felony I'm fine with that.

xoxoxoBruce wrote:

Seriously though, why this attack of thin skin?

don't misunderstand, it isn't a case of thin skin or anything like that. it is just the realization that like the nation in general, the cellar in particular holds some personalities who are wound so tight they are about to pop over the upcoming election. i enjoy interacting with most cellarites, so with my observation of the tension level in mind i'm just choosing to avoid most things political right now.

like i've said before - from the available list of choices i think bush is most closely matches my priorities and world view. i want him to win. i have concerns with a kerry victory. BUT - i don't believe either choice will be cataclysmic. many around here do.

so until after the election is settled i will avoid most of the political discussions and jabs here.

It would seem not everything in my Email box is garbage...:lol:

A magical fairy told a married couple, "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish."

"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband," said the wife The fairy moved her magic stick and...abracadabra!... Two tickets appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said, "Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and....abracadabra! Suddenly the husband was 90 years old
Men might be jerks. But fairies are Female.

Two dutch girls are riding their bikes through the streets of Amsterdam, as it starts getting late they realize they are pretty far from home. Anxiously, one girl leans toward her friend and says:
"You know, I've never come this way before."

Her friend replies:
"It's the cobblestones."

A blonde is driving her car and it just conks out. She calls the garage and they send someone over to look at it. The mechanic lokks under the hood for a while and fiddles around a bit, then starts the car.
"What's the deal with the car?" Asks the Blonde.

"Aw, just crap in the carburator." He says.

"Really? How often do I have to do that?"

George Bush and Dick Cheney are enjoying a celebration lunch at a fancy Washington restaurant. Their waitress approaches their table to take their order; she is young and very attractive.

She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies, "I'll have the heart-healthy salad."

"Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what do you want, Mr. President?"

Bush answers, "How about a quickie?"

Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says, "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you." With that, the waitress departed in a huff.

Cheney leans over to Bush, and says, "Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced 'quiche'".

lookout123 wrote:

i'm glad you posted that bruce - i came across that little tidbit several months ago but knew i couldn't post it without being slammed for being some sort of neocon prick. i think the whole thing was pretty damned hilarious.

Note from the left: Jessie Jackson really doesn't count anymore, not even to us. You may fire away, and I can promise you that I won't be jumping to his defense, and most of us lefties would probably be sticking with me.

Does that mean that we can tell the airplane joke and use the n-word too?

Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to
call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners of war."

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?.........

Let's go ride bikes!!

I'm a light bulb joke fan...........
How many vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?........

YOU DON'T KNOW YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!
:D
And.........
P.S. For the people that think I am Mari.....I now have undeniable proof I'm not! :D

Well, I'm not one of those who necessarily think that you are Mari, but just for the sake of argument, what's the proof?

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.

After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree", says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything, Father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes, Sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh Father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true father?"

"Yes, it is, Sister."

"Oh Father that's wonderful, stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here."

Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. Seamus fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

A prayer for Democrats.

Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want.
He maketh me to lie down on park benches.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my doubts about the Republican Party.
He leadeth me onto the paths of unemployment for his cronies' sake.
Yea, though no weapons of mass destruction have been found, He makest me continue to fear his Evil.
His tax cuts for the rich and his deficit spending discomfort me.
He anointest me with never-ending debt: Verily my days of savings and assets are kaput.
Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me all the days of his administration, And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement (read:cellar) forever.

Amen

A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks.
In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.
"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"
Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?"
"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.
"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."
:rolleyes:

From the KC Star yesterday comes this offering by the brilliant editorial cartoonist Pat Oliphant...

Bill, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde on his arm. She's hanging on his every word. His buddies at the club are aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bill replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're stunned, but continue to inquire about Bill's companion. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" Bill says, "I lied about my age." His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?" Bill smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90." :smack:

History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer & would go to the beach &live on fish & lobster in winter.

The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of beer & the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization & together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups: Liberals & Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain & that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker & less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's & doing the sewing, fetching & hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girlie men.'

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs & the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat & beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood & group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat & still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers & decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame & created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

The insurance man wakes up one morning to find a bear the roof of his upstate New York mansion. So he looks in the yellow pages and - sure enough - there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" the wealthy insurance man asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the insurance man.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the insurance industry magnet.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

Excuse Me if it has been posted before I'm a newb :)

Cork Radio Station (in Ireland), 96 FM, was running a competition to find contestants who could come up with words that were not found in any English Dictionary yet could still use these words in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali for a week. The DJ, Neil, had many callers;
the following two standing out:

DJ: 96FM, what's your name?

Caller: Hi, me name's Dave.

DJ: Dave, what is your word?

Caller: Goan, spelt G O A N, pronounced "go-an"

DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct, Dave,"goan" is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?

Caller: Goan fuck yourself!

At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that there is no place for that sort of language on a family show. After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following caller:

DJ: 96FM, what's your name?

Caller: Hi, me name's Jeff.

DJ: Jeff, what is your word?

Caller: Smee, spelt S M E E, pronounced "smee".

DJ: We are checking that (pause) and you are correct, Jeff, "smee" is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?

Caller: Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!

Welcome to the Cellar Bexin :)

John and Marie (both unmarried) went to the same church.
Marie went every Sunday and taught Sunday School.
John went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Marie and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?"
"Why yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie.
Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, at the finest restaurant in town. When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Marie," said John, "would you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and started driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn.
He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel with me?" "Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie.
Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He made a U-turn right then and there, across the median, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie.
The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed. "What have I done? What have I done?" thought John.
He shook Marie and she woke up. "Marie, I've got to ask you one thing, said John. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them... You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."

Speaking of mental leaps (see the patton and Macarthur thread):

It was an advanced physics course and the professor was more of a researcher and should never have been teaching. In one class, he begins to explain some theorem and fills a blackboard with equations. He goes on, "therefore it is obvious that" and fills another blackboard with equations.

One student raises his hand and says he didn't understand how to get from the first blackboard to the second.

The professor mumbles a bit, then goes to a third blackboard and begins, "you see how we got to this right?" The student agrees. "Well, from this you get this" and he starts writing equations again. Eventually he fills two more blackboards.

"See", he says to the student. "I was right. It was obvious."

A little girl comes home one day with a new word.

"Mommy, what's a pros ti tute?"

The mom takes a moment to compose hereself. She never lies to the kid, but it shouldn't be too graphic.

"Well honey. That's a lady who pretends to be married to a man for a little while, and does some of the things that married ladies do."

That puts the little girl deep in thought for a minute.

"Mommy, do prostitutes have babies?"


"Well of course darling. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

(Substitute job title, political party, or minority at will.)

Good one....welcome to the Cellar TickTock. :)

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation?"

The Christmas Roast

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Hot sauce dripping from their toes
Yuletide squirrels fresh filletd by the fire
With hot skewers poked up thru their noses

Everybody knows some pepper and a garlic clove
Help to make them seasoned right
Tiny rats with a crisp golden coat will really hit the
spot tonight

And now when Santa sees his tray
There'll be some homemade chipmunk jerky for his sleigh
And every hungry child is gonna spy
To see if chipmunks really sizzle when they fry

And so I'm brushing on some honey glaze
To keep them crisp and juicy too
Let's hope they get served many times, many ways
Tasty chipmunks, good food

An eight year old kid swaggers into the local gin mill and orders a double scotch. The barmaid looks at him and asks:
"Are you trying to get me in trouble?"
The kid replies:
"Maybe later, right now I just want the scotch."

Warning-crude language! :)

It's no wonder why some kids have a problem with Santa...I mean, would you sit your kid on this guy's lap? :eyebrow:

There are quite a few scary, drunken santas in that series.This one is my favorite.

how many mice does it take to screw in a lite bulb ????

2004 Year in Review


(from Bob the Angry Flower)

I have a post in a help forum about error in device manager for my optical drives. Someone posted to use cd & do a repair :confused: How in hell can you do that? :smack: him :biggrin:

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked
up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra
for my wife.

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?

Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every
shape, size, color and material imaginable.

Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four
types of bras to choose from.

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: There
are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the
Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between
them.

The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

*****************

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the
letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters
stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

Brian

Then there's this Santa/kids photo , which looks as though Santa may have just unloaded a bunch of cookies and milk into his jolly red pants...

I don't recall if I posted this here before.. but oh my gawd.. the first, second and third time I read these recipe cards I laughed so hard I almost pissed myself.. well I may have! but you'll never know! the captions are....are..are.. hee hee hee hee hee

http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html

COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 200 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.


CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!

BEWARE

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,
hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the
alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on
their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also
advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should
be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear
droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel
fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper
spray.

LOL - jinx, i read that a couple of weeks ago and it cracked me up then too.

• ANSWER: Carnac The Magnificent/
QUESTION: Who won't be coming down for breakfast anymore?
• ANSWER: Gatorade.
QUESTION: What does an alligator get on welfare?
• ANSWER: Bible belt.
QUESTION: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants?
• ANSWER: Milk and honey.
QUESTION: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?
• ANSWER: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
QUESTION: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles.
• ANSWER: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
QUESTION: Describe Sister Mary Kong.
• ANSWER: Ben Gay.
QUESTION: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids?
• ANSWER: An unmarried woman.
QUESTION: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?
• ANSWER: Disjoint.
QUESTION: What was dat hippie smoking?
• ANSWER: The Laughing Policeman.
QUESTION: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?
• ANSWER: Dustin Hoffman.
QUESTION: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.
• ANSWER: Until he gets caught.
QUESTION: How long does a United States Congressman serve?
• ANSWER: Old wives tale.
QUESTION: What do cannibals find hard to digest?
• ANSWER: Rub-a-dub-dub.
QUESTION: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?
• ANSWER: Shareholder.
QUESTION: What did Sonny Bono used to be?
• ANSWER: Skalliwags.
QUESTION: What does your skalli do when it's happy?
• ANSWER: David Frost.
QUESTION: On a cold morning what forms on your david?
• ANSWER: Head and shoulders.
QUESTION: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car?
• ANSWER: Hickory Dickory Dock.
QUESTION: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?
• ANSWER: "Rose Bowl."
QUESTION: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling alley?
• ANSWER: That darn cat.
QUESTION: Who ruined that darn rug?
• ANSWER: High rollers.
QUESTION: Describe a stoned bowling team.
• ANSWER: Gunga din.
QUESTION: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?
• ANSWER: "Follow the yellow brick road."
QUESTION: What are good directions to a urologist's office?
• ANSWER: At both ends.
QUESTION: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?
• ANSWER: Igloo.
QUESTION: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?
• ANSWER: R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
QUESTION: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"?
• ANSWER: Grape Nuts.
QUESTION: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?
• ANSWER: Supervisor.
QUESTION: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?
• ANSWER: Crabgrass.
QUESTION: What do crabs get high on?
• ANSWER: Shake-N-Bake.
QUESTION: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering Inferno.
• ANSWER: Blazing Saddles.
QUESTION: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch?
• ANSWER: Flypaper.
QUESTION: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper?
• ANSWER: Deep freeze.
QUESTION: Name an Eskimo porno film.
• ANSWER: Bedbug.
QUESTION: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker? :biggrin:

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I think I'll do both.

Thanks for those, Bruce.

Jan. 25 - In an effort to “level the academic playing field,” Harvard University President Lawrence Summers announced today that Harvard would introduce a home economics major designed specifically for its female students.
“Starting in the fall, Harvard will offer home economics for women who find economics too tricky,” said Summers, who called the move “long overdue.”
Summers said that the new courses would help women at Harvard improve their grade point averages, adding, “When it comes to getting busy in the kitchen, women are second to none.”
The home ec major, which will consist of courses in cooking, sewing and what Summers called “the allied domestic arts and sciences,” is believed to be the first of its kind ever to be offered by an Ivy League university.
Coming in the wake of Summers’ recent controversial remarks about purported intellectual differences between the sexes, the Harvard president’s decision to introduce a home economics major for women was widely seen as an olive branch of sorts.
But the move may have backfired, as an angry mob of female faculty members protested outside his office today, demanding his immediate ouster and burning Summers in effigy.
In a meeting with the protesters, Summers promised that he would recruit additional women to the Harvard faculty but refused to tell the protesters how many. “I don’t want to fill your heads with a lot of big numbers you won’t understand,” he said. :eyebrow:

Ouch! :haha:

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. That guy's going to get spanked!

speaking of scorn..

There was this little boy, Johnny, about 10 years old walking down the
>sidewalk dragging a "flattened" frog on a string behind him. He walked
>up to
>a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered
>it,
>she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
>
>He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the
>money
>and I'm not leaving until I do." The Madam figured, why not, so she
>told him
>to come in.
>
>Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do
>any
>of the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no. He
>said, "I
>heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it
>with
>Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!"
>
>Since Johnny was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam
>told
>him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall
>dragging
>the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still
>dragging
>the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped
>him and
>asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease,
>instead
>of one of the others?"
>
>He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
>are
>going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-
>sitter.
>After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
>happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that
>I just
>caught.
>
>When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the
>way,
>he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then
>when
>Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and
>have sex,
>and Mom will catch it.
>
>In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the
>milk,
>have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-
>bitch
>who ran over my FROG!"

Every day, Bob would claim that he knew everyone. One day, his boss got fed up and told Bob that if he didn't shut up or prove it, he was going to fire him. So Bob said he would prove it. He told his boss to name anyone in the whole world and together, they would go see that person.
Bob's boss, being a little sarcastic, replied, "Tom Cruise; I bet you don't know him!"
Bob said he did. So that afternoon, they hopped on a plane to Hollywood. Once they got there, they went straight to Tom's house. They rang the doorbell, and Tom answered it and said, "Hey Bob, come on in, I was just about to have some lunch. You and your friend are welcome to join me".

After they left Tom's house, Bob's boss looked at him and said, "Okay, so I just happened to name the one celebrity you know."
Bob replied, "Then name someone else if you don't believe me."
His boss said, "The President; I bet you don't know the President."
So Bob and his boss flew out to the White House. They were taking a tour when the President was going into one of his offices, looked up and saw Bob. The President said, "Hey Bob, what's going on?" He told the men to come into his office for a cup of joe. Once they had left the White House, Bob's boss turned to him and said, "It's all just a big coincidence."

Bob challenged his boss once again.
This time his boss tells him that there's no way he knows the Pope. Again, Bob claims he does, and with that they fly to Rome. The Pope was supposed to address the public fifteen minutes from then. There were hundreds of thousands of people there.
Bob told his boss that The Pope will never see him in the midst of all those people. So Bob told his boss that he knows the security guards, and when the Pope comes out to give his speech, he will join him on stage. Fifteen minutes later, the Pope came out on stage and there was Bob.

Bob made his way to the end of the stage, and went back out into the crowd. Bob noticed that the paramedics were circled around someone in the crowd. When Bob realized that it was his boss, he rushed to his side. He asked what happened, and one of the paramedics said that his boss had had a heart attack.
Bob asked his boss if the fact that he knew the Pope was too much to take, to which his boss replied, "No, that's not what got me. What got me was when you walked out with him, the guy next to me asked, 'Who's that up there with Bob?'." :biggrin:

It's almost spring time, girls are showing their belly buttons!!! :eek:

404, that is NOT happening. I didn't see that.

footfootfoot wrote:

404, that is NOT happening. I didn't see that.

Oh, yes you did....you know you love those young girlies baring their midriffs.

...and i hear she's got a *foot* fetish. :D

Those thongs don't hold anything back. :rolleyes:

404Error wrote:

Oh, yes you did....you know you love those young girlies baring their midriffs.

...and i hear she's got a *foot* fetish. :D

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (runs)

Hey, is she reaching for a snack in that bag?

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?" The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!" The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"
"Because the shit is running down my back!" :eek:

:biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: :thumbsup:

An alien space ship encounters an electromagnetic storm and crash lands near the Never land Ranch.
The desperate aliens leave the spacecraft in search of their destiny. Ahead they see a well-lit house with lots of children enjoying an amusement park.
The aliens said, " Look all the earthlings are the same size as we are and they are happy " They approached with confidence and said " Greetings we are here from another star system we need to talk to your leader "
A kid ran inside and grabbed Michael. The kid said " Hey look out there a whole field full of little aliens "
Michael smiled and said to himself " So they think they are the only ones who fly around this planet and probe little people " :ymca:

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had sex in quite some time. Despite a really good figure, sexy clothes, and a good sense of humor she hadn’t even had a date in months. She decided to seek the expertise of a feng shui sex therapist.

Her best friend referred her to Dr. Chang, down in Chinatown so she went to see him. Upon entering his office, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." Willing to try anything, the woman did as she was told.

"Get down on you hands and knees then craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "You haf bad probrem. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you no haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when you face rook Ed Zachary rike you ass."

First off- Hi all, my first post!!

This American commits several bank robberies and in order to stay out of jail he joins the French Foreign Legion. After his basic training he ends up out in the middle of the desert at tthis fort. The commandant is showing him around, answering questions and explaining his duties all day.

That night he hears these various sets of footsteps so he looks out his window. In the sand just outside the gate is a hut, and a soldier has his groin pressed up to the side of the hut and has this crazy grin on his face and moaning.

The next morning he grabs the commandant and asks him what the hell he saw!! The commandant replies "Since we aren't allowed female companionship during our stay inside the fort, they bend the rules by providing this hut, just outside the walls, so all you have to do to get relief is go up to the hut and stick your hardon in the hole and you will get the most amazing blowjob!"

The new recruit is freaking out and can hardly wait until nightfall. As soon as the coast is clear he runs up to the hut, sticks his tool in the hole and is rewarded by the best BJ he has had in years. He goes back the next night and 2 nights after, and each time is rewarded with satisfaction beyond his wildest fantasies. Then the fifth night he sticks his tool in the hole in eager anticipation, and nothing. He goes to bed disappointed, and the next morning he sees the commandant at breakfast.

He runs up to the Commandant and blurts out "Commandant, there must have been a problem there was no-one in the box last night."

The commandant looks at him, thinks for a second, then says "OOOOH that's right! I forgot to tell you that it was your turn in the box!!"

One day, a woman decides the go to the docter to see if he can help her improve her sex life. She asks the doctor if there is anything he could do so that her husband would have sex with her again.
The doctor says "Well, we do have a pill that will help, but before I give it to you, I have to warn you that you must follow the directions EXACTLY."
So she agrees, and he gives her the pills.
"How do I use them?"
"All you have to do is crush up one pill in his dinner the night you would like to have sex, but no more!"
So that night, she crushes up one pill in dinner and they have the best sex they had had in years.
The next night, she decides since the last night was so good, she would try two pills that night. Sure enough, the sex is even better!
The fourth night, she decides the doctor was exaggerating about the pills and puts in the rest of the bottle!
The next morning, a police officer recieves a call to the house and finds a boy crying on the porch.
"Son, what's wrong?"
Sobbing, the boy says "My mommys dead, my sisters knocked up, my butthole hurts, and my daddy is in the backyard saying 'here, kitty kitty kitty!'"

Have you heard the joke about the two blondes who walked into a building?

You'd think one of them would have seen it.

how's about two Irishmen walk past a bar?

The Amish Hand Warmer: An amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." the mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.

"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

( buh dump dump dah! thanks folks I'll be here all week.. with shows at 5, 9 and an adult show at 11:00! don't forget to tip your bartender and waitresses!)

Three midgets are sitting in a bar.
The first midget says 'I have the smallest feet in the world.'
The second midget says 'I have the smallest hands in the world.'
The third midget says 'I have the smallest penis in the world.'
The bartender says 'I get tired of you guys braggin'. Go to Guinness and get it put in the books, and you can sit in here and brag all you want.
After about a week, the first midget comes running in the bar. 'Look bartender, I have a check and a trophy, and I am in the Guinness book for having the smallest feet in the world.'
The second midget comes running in and says 'Look bartender, I have a check and a trophy, and I am in the Guinness book for having the smallest hands in the world!'
The third midget comes running in and says 'Who in the hell is xoxoxo Bruce?!?!' ;)

For ZippyT
A Marine gets out of the Corps after Nam and lives his life like the American dream. When the War on Iraq comes around 40 plus years later, he goes down to the local recruiting station and tells the recruiter "I want in, I want to fight!"
But the recruiter says, "Sorry Buddy, you're too old."
"Fine," the guy says. "I'll go to the Pentagon. I have a friend there.
He'll let me in!" So he goes to the Pentagon and tells his friend, "I wanna fight!"
But his friend says "Sorry Buddy, you're too old."
"Fine", the guy says. "I'll buy a boat and row to Iraq!"
So he goes out and buys himself a rowboat and starts rowing to Iraq, chanting "Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!" over and over again!
St. Peter sees all this and goes to God and says, "Lord, what do I do to stop this guy?" God tells St. Peter, "Why don't you take his brain? It's the root of all thought."
So St. Peter takes the guy's brain. It doesn't faze him, "Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!" St. Peter then says, "Now what?!"
God replies, "Why don't you take his heart? It's the seat of all emotion." So St Peter takes it. Doesn't faze the guy. "Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah!"
St. Peter says, "Now what should I do?" God smiles and says, "Take his balls."
So St. Peter takes the guy's balls. The guy stops rowing, looks confused, turns his boat around, and begins chanting, "Off we go, into the wild blue yonder..."
;)

GOOD ONE !!!!!
Once a Marine , ALLWAYS a Marine !!!!!
"Semper Fi, Do or Die, OO-Rah, OO-Rah! OO-Rah!"

So there's this guy and he comes to work one morning only to find the boss has hired a new secretary. She's a babe, and, fortunately, for the purposes of this joke, his office opens directly toward her work area. He spends the whole morning getting nothing done, he can't take his eyes off this woman. Well, at lunchtime he decides to offer to make her feel welcome, and invites her to join him for lunch. They get to the restaurant and it soon becomes clear that the attraction is mutual. The question changes from what to order? to your place or mine? Hers, just around the corner.

They spend the afternoon feeding other appetites and the man looks up and sees it's getting dark. Frantically he rushes to get dressed and she follows him to the door. He bolts down the steps and starts up the sidewalk and then comes back to her yard and does something strange. He walks onto the grass, gets down and rolls back and forth on the lawn a couple of times, then gets back up and hurries up the block.

When he gets home, the litle woman is waiting in the doorway, arms crossed, tapping her foot in "that way".

"Uh-oh" the man thinks. "The office--".

"Said you were out all afternoon" she interrupts.

Busted. Total surrender is his only option at this point, and he comes clean and tells the whole truth: new secretary, lunch, "dessert" at her place, everything.

He waits for the verdict.

As she listens to the story her toe never breaks rhythm, but she does uncross her arms. She deliberately reaches out her hand to his shoulder and carefully picks a single blade of grass from his shirt.

"You lying sack of shit--You've been GOLFING AGAIN!"