Beest is gone.
pronounced for 11:59 last night. I gave up and went to bed around ten, woke at 11 and he was gone. They've taken him away. The kids know, I'll call his mom in the morning. it's 2am right now
Heart-breaking. You're in my thoughts.
Surreal. You'll want to turn to your partner to share the experience with him, but of course he's the one who is gone. :sniff:
Surreal. You'll want to turn to your partner to share the experience with him, but of course he's the one who is gone. :sniff:
yup tried that already.
There are no words that can possibly describe how you must feel, and no words of comfort that could possibly be adequate. Love and light to you and yours in this most difficult of times.
Another hundred words erased and unsaid.
So wrong. Very grief.
I wish peace and comfort for you during this time.
OMG I loved him so much. He was infuriating sometimes and so was I but we were a team
I got nothing.
I wish there were something I could do or say to make it not so.:(
Hi monster
I'm very sad, I wish I could help you. I'm so sorry.
:cry:
I wish I could have saved him
I bet you do. I know that's true.
Oh, Monster - I am so sorry. I can't even begin to comprehend the depth of your loss.
I'm so sorry to hear the news. I only offer hugs and sympathetic tears.
OMG I loved him so much. He was infuriating sometimes and so was I but we were a team
Sounds like the best kind of marriage. x
Sorry monster ... will miss the team; but, glad we still have you.
I'm crying for you right now, monster. I did not want to hear this news, even though we knew it was coming. May he finally find ease and peace in death, and may your family find strength through all he brought to you in life.
{{{mon}}}
thanks guys, I got sleep, I have cried less today. I thought I saw him in the restaurant though, coming back to our table. Dude didn't even look anything like him. And I realized just how much we used to talk, how many thoughts we shared. He didn't come here all that often, but now I realize it was maybe because I'd told him everything before he got a chance :lol:
I used facebook to let people know, and the outpouring of stories and memories has been amazing and so very helpful and comforting. So many people have taken the time to message me that they saw how we looked at each other and we were such a team. I had no idea people knew -I though we must come across... well... completely differently, because I was always such a bitch and he was always so gentle, but that's just how we rubbed along.
Oh no, I could tell when you guys were in Austin how in-sync you were. There are couples who are two people being with each other, and then there are couples.
aw, thanks. I just didn't know. My people skills are for shit, tho :/
Monster I am so sorry....... I just still cant believe it happend
fwiw :)
GATHERING TO REMEMBER BEEST
Date and Time: Friday 6th April 6:30pm
Venue: Knight's Kitchen 5060 Jackson Road Suite D, Ann Arbor MI 48103
Dress: Anything you please -paintball jersey, suit and tie, Jedi robe, jeans & t-shirt... all welcome.
.
"Formalities" will start at 7pm and be brief, followed by light refreshments and a chance to raise a glass (or two ;) ) to our friend and hero, and socialize and reminisce with others who knew and loved him. Feel free to arrive and leave at any time, although it would be preferable if there was a lull during the "formalities"
There will be memory books for you to share moments you treasure, and hopefully a slide show -so please send us any good pictures you have in advance if you can. And please feel free to share this information with anyone who knew him.
Hope to see you there, but please know that Jason felt that no-one should come to a memorial out of a sense of duty. Come if it will help you and don't if it won't. We get it. :)
Monster, Hebe, Hector & Thor
I think I can guarantee to have a drink in my hand at that time. Mr Limey and I will raise a glass to you and yours!
Sent by magick
But I'm not saying I won't.
I'm not saying I'm starting early
With you all in 'spirit'.
I will hoist a cold one for you and yours.
I will definitely raise a glass to Beest. And to the whole fam dambly. :)
Monster - My thoughts are with you and your family during this most awful time. I cannot fathom the grief nor loss you all must be facing. I have little to offer you in terms of comfort. I'm just so sorry for all of you ... and sad ... ugghh..
Here’s to Beest and the love that you shared as a family! XXX
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
Here's to Beest.
[ATTACH]63570[/ATTACH]
I don't currently have a functioning camera on my phone, but I and my friend from work raised a glass of Stodfold Gold, at the Stodfold Inn, for Beest.
Nobody expected the Spanish Inquisition....
...oh yes I did....
It was ginger Crown(s) at the bar.
I never thought about a pic.
~ O u t s t a n d i n g ~
Brilliant!
Does this count as a Catholic service then?
oh man, that was great. talk about breaking the ice....
Well, that was unexpected.
wonderful!
Sent by magick
I didn't even tell the kids :D (There were two or three more inane questions before the video kicks in)
Outstanding.
[ATTACH]63587[/ATTACH]
My lovely Cow Orker said today "That's the kind of funeral everyone says they want but no-one gets.... they say they want people to have fun, not be miserable". I was very touched, because I hope that means that people want to have fun when they attend a memorial and the whole point was to do something to help those left behind come to terms with this pile of shit. poop just made myself cry, I miss my buddy so badly.
That was outstanding, monster. Well done. :thumb:
Couple guys from Ring of Steel -the Action Theater and Stunt Troupe, beest used to take Thunderboy to on a Sunday morning. A fairly recent activity. Stage fighting with medieval weapons and light sabers ...that sort of thing. My friend made the costumes. In two days. I did the accessories!
That's the friend who videoed. Only she, the celebrant and the caterer friend who let them in the back door knew. :)
Hey Monster just thinking about ya buddy :(
I thought I had mentioned it before but I can't find it....
Next door neighbor was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer (never smoked in her life) at christmas. She died this morning.
The person who lived in our house before us (a former Michigan football player, then cop) also died from lung cancer never having smoked. At the time, they blamed it on Radon in the cop corner of city hall and passive smoke from all the other cops
Color me not so sure....
Our houses were built on farmland though, not industrial reclaimed land, so it couldn't be industrial toxins.
Beest bought a radon test kit, but I have no idea where he put it. and maybe I don't want to know. The house came back negative for radon when we bought it. :/
The hits keep coming...
Maybe pick up another radon test?
I think some of the older classes of herbicides and pesticides were connected to lung cancer at least among the people who applied them. I don't know it they would persist if someone was dumping excess.
It's worth it to get the kit. I know there's no extra emotional energy to care about stuff these days, but it's better to know.
You might want to get your water tested as well. Could be contaminants.
or move before getting anything tested so I have nothing to disclose.....
(We're on City water not well, water is fine. Unlike in poor Flint.)
or move before getting anything tested so I have nothing to disclose.....
There's a thought.
Wow Im so sorry monster :(
Hey dudes, How cool is this? His local paintball field, Hell Survivors, just opened a new area and they named part of it for him....
(It should be public, but you'll have to have a facebook account to see it, I think)
https://www.facebook.com/HellSurvivors/videos/1848168025274016/Fortunately you don't need an account to see that cool clip, go see it. :thumb:
Today (May 20th) would have been our 24th wedding anniversary. Before we knew it was over, I had decided it was the "Clock" anniversary (I've been making them up since the traditional ones for every year run out at 15, and we both like clocks). Once the chemo had to be stopped and we knew it was game over, he added owning a nixie tube clock to his bucket list. So I got him one and he loved watching it. :) And it's silver-colored, so that's next year taken care of too..... ;)
There is no point to this post. I'm just really sad and I miss him.
No need to apologize. It’s a lovely story and worth sharing. Besides, telling personal stories is one of the great pleasures of life.
I got him a bottle of bleach for our 17th :D
[COLOR="PaleTurquoise"](17 is the atomic number of chlorine)[/COLOR]
Today (May 20th) would have been our 24th wedding anniversary. Before we knew it was over, I had decided it was the "Clock" anniversary (I've been making them up since the traditional ones for every year run out at 15, and we both like clocks). Once the chemo had to be stopped and we knew it was game over, he added owning a nixie tube clock to his bucket list. So I got him one and he loved watching it. :) And it's silver-colored, so that's next year taken care of too..... ;)
There is no point to this post. I'm just really sad and I miss him.
Shared stories is the only immortality we have as individuals.
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
There is no point to this post. I'm just really sad and I miss him.
Don't need a point, it's just one of those thousands of thoughts and memories that come to mind, with damn few social situations where it's appropriate or comfortable to express them.
That's what this thread has been about from the start and will continue to be available for you to add and/or revue.
That's a nice gesture by his friends. Thanks for sharing it with us monster.
You folks are too clever.
I feel bad for monster
Ooof. Cry.
I love that he has been immortalized. I hope I can go see that sign one day. I hope one day I'll have mattered that much to someone.
I hope one day I'll have mattered that much to someone.
I hope, one day after I'm gone, that someone realizes I meant that much to them, and they feel guilty as shit for the rest of their miserable lives.:jig:
Ooof. Cry.
I love that he has been immortalized. I hope I can go see that sign one day. I hope one day I'll have mattered that much to someone.
Come and visit :) Let me take you to Hell :lol:
At least she's honest about her intentions.
:drummer:
...I hope one day I'll have mattered that much to someone.
I hope, one day after I'm gone, that someone realizes I meant that much to them...
“I would like to be remembered, well ... the Mexicans have a phrase, "Feo fuerte y formal". Which means he was ugly, strong and had dignity.”
~John Wayne
:devil:
Come and visit :) Let me take you to Hell [emoji38]
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/d/danzig/mother_20036151.html
..... about to see your light
And if you wanna find hell with me
I can show you what it's like
..
Monster......
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/d/danzig/mother_20036151.html
..... about to see your light
And if you wanna find hell with me
I can show you what it's like
..
Monster......
:devil:
Damn, now that song gonna be Monster instead of Mother for, well, for fucking ever, prolly.
:lol2:
Today (May 20th) would have been our 24th wedding anniversary. .
Not having a great time at the moment. Some nice friends, wonderful people posted this on facebook, and I just wanted to add "don't get cancer" :(
(names changed to protect the innocent)
Jenny Smith and I are celebrating 24 years of marriage today. As I left for work this morning, we noted that there seemed to be a lot less to worry about back then. On the flip side, our life is much richer now in many ways. Of course, our kids are a big part of that equation -- some times we could do without some of the "richness" that they bring, but overall they are keepers and so is our marriage. I love this picture of Jen as she struck a yoga pose in Shanghai. It captures many qualities that I fell in love with and continue to love about her. We had dinner at The Filling Station tonight and shared our celebratory news with the young waiter. He asked about a secret to a long marriage and we said to be kind to each other and Jen added, "be vegan."
I am happy for them... but I'm so unhappy for me. I want my buddy back. I told him it was ok to go, but I lied.
Facebook is hell on anyone grieving for any reason. The only way I found to stop that constant salt-in-the-wound feeling was to quit completely.
Monster, I think I've felt your grief vicariously more than I ever have before when people lose people.
I was really really sad when we lost briana. I was maybe even more sad when Sundae died. But with them, it was my own loss. I guess it's because i feel like you and i are very similar.
I wanted to say thank you for sharing this shitty part of your life with me. Sounds weird, i know. But.... Well, i guess you probably get what I'm saying.
I love you, and I'm so sorry you lost your buddy.
Fuck
I need to blow my nose
You told Beest it was OK to go because that's what he needed to hear to make it easier for him. You love him, and you were bound to say exactly that. We are the people to hear that it was not ok, not at all. I so hope that sharing here in teh Cellar helps you to let off steam, eases the pressure of that immense yell of grief a little, even if only for a moment.
thanks, guys :) I can say things to you that I can't say to my here friends. Mostly because there's no danger of you trying to hug me :D
:grouphug:
Only lame attempts like this.
Facebook and social media in general can be dangerous waters emotionally speaking. The same way radios seem only to play poignant songs when you're grieving.
It was a good lie you told him, Mon.
I like that you come here and offload. There's fuck all else we can do to help, but this we got.
...the hell? I could see just fine a minute ago.:sniff:
Ya know, Facebook saved me when I was holed up alone with a dying man for 48 hours. I created a tiny group of close friends who know what the fuck was going on and I was not so alone, I could yatter away in the middle of the night and if none of them were there at that precise moment, they were soon. But I didn't have to have them come to the house or talk on the phone.
But I'm also perfectly capable of avoiding it if I want to. However, I believe that hiding away from other people's happiness is not necessarily a healthy approach. I prefer the approach of admitting when it's a little hard to swallow and stepping away. And maybe using a place where they will never see it so it can't hurt them for a little cathartic ranting.
MMMMkay?
Cathartic ranting is cathartic, mmkay?
Rant away, girl.
These uses of social media are a true,valuable and hidden benefit of a much maligned feature of modern life.
Spill what you want to spill here, Monster. We gotcher.
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[YOUTUBE]UvaEe160LMM[/YOUTUBE] Crying tonight. This is how I feel all the time. the stupidest things.
It's senior night for Thor for Water Polo and Marching Band his week. These aren't even making me cry yet. I know beest so wanted to see him through high school and wanted to be there. It was so against the odds by two years but he fought like hell to try and make it. But he isn't here when I want to discuss the best way to change from incandescent to LED bulbs in the bathrooms and he isn't here to do lunches when I'm pooped, or to meet with Thunderboy's new therapist... he doesn't walk in to the bleachers in his work clothes just in time to catch the start of the Friday night game in local Water Polo tournaments.......
he just isn't here and so much of me depended on that, I've found....
I'm contemplating printing and taking a life-sized cut-out of beest to the senior nights ..... but not really. The Spanish Inquisition at the "goodbye" used my lifetime quota of irreverence.....
I got nothing.
Blurry eyes, I got blurry eyes.
[size=1]...fine just a minute ago.[/size]
Hon, nothing to offer but kind thoughts and a virtual hug *hug*
x dani
I'm sorry, monster. And sorry for the kiddos, too.
Same sentiment as everyone else, sorry monster.
Crying tonight
Ahhhhhhhh Im so sorry buddy....... I cry alot also and people make fun of me,dont think im real because I cry and I admit it when I do.......
Peace and love to you
I honestly wish I could say it will get better with time but I believe that's bullshit. The tears may slow with time, but experience tells me the hollow won't go away. :(
Older Sibs walked with me at Senior night :) Might have to do band alone, but I can do it.
You can.
It'll suck. You can still do it.
...but I can do it.
Damn right you can.
Being strong sucks [strike]a lot[/strike] most of the time.
Older Sibs walked with me at Senior night :)
Good on them.
You're raising good kids.
Yesterday was a normal Friday. I finished work before most people even started, I went to pick up my friend, we went to the gym and then to lunch. sometimes we go to nice restaurants, sometimes, we don't. We went to Red Robin. The usual 80s upbeat pop crap was playing, we were about to leave, she went to the bathroom, and while she was gone a slower song came on. One from our wedding. I was blindsided. My friend came back to find me bawling my heart out in the lobby. This shit is never going to get easier. Who expects red Robin to play this:
[YOUTUBE]UrIiLvg58SY[/YOUTUBE]
He did let me go :(
I thought sharing this here would help, but now I'm crying again. But I can't stop the song in the middle.
Someday happy memories will bring smiles, maybe sad smiles, but smiles. Nobody knows how long that will be and you can't force or fake it, got to happen on its own.
Crying isn't necessarily a bad thing. It hurts, but it proves the love is still there, too.
catharsis, sadness, happiness, memories, reflection, ... it's connection, evidence of a lasting connection.
I only know you a tiny bit monster, but I like you, you're important to me. You're my friend; that's why I say it's ok, you're gonna be ok.
side note:
fuckin red robin dj, wtf man?
This shit is never going to get easier.
Yes it will.
:grouphug:
Being blindsided is the worst. But it’s OK to cry, you know?
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Im so sorry monster,I feel so bad for ya buddy :(
Shows you he's not really gone. You still feel him.
Fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency and...
LOL!!!
oh this was good.... :D
It really was.
thanks for being there ....again... peeps :D
second anniversary today (technically yesterday). Friday 13th (I like Friday 13ths)
I still had the ashes in a box bothering me by their existence. The two oldest sprogs and I wanted nothing to do with them. It's just ash. Youngest decided he wasn't sure if he might want us to do something/it might be meaningful ash, so I hung on. Been hanging on a peg in the garage.
My plan if we had to do anything other than toss them in the trash was to dump them in "The Swamp" at the paintball field he used to play at most often called H3ll Surv1vors (where there is now a trail named after him). It's near Hell, MI.
Life has been especially rough recently. I met my friend as usual for our Friday morning workout and mentioned this elephant in the room and whined about how I was really not keen on even opening the box etc etc. and then I'd probably find it hard to get rid of the box.....
She suggested that Friday 13 in Hell might be the perfect solution and offered to do it for me. So I went home and asked youngest how he felt about it now and he said .... "just ash".
Paintball field is open weekends only in winter, so we drove there, snuck on via the campsite entrance and the deed is done. And I did it. At the last minute I big-brave-girled it. Not quite The Swamp -too hard to get to- but same body of water. And then I took the googly eyes off the box (that I had placed there the day i picked it up to make me feel better) and stuck them on one of the structures on the field.
closure of a sort.
i left the damn box there too. In a recycling can for similar plastics.
Boom.
I just needed to share this but am wary of being more public because I didn't tell the oldest two or his mom (because she is currently dealing with her daughter being hospitalized and daughter's husband being an absolute twat (as my sister put it). I figured they'd be cool and needed to act while the momentum was there. So I'm telling all y'all. It is a done deed. If they ever ask what happened to the stuff, I think they'll like the answer :D
I hope your brain feels like you've done something in some kind of way, even if it just shifts something from one kind of thing to a slightly different kind of thing, like shifting from one foot to another. Presumably, over time, if you shift things around enough, all the heavy stuff falls to the bottom, like a can of mixed nuts.
Maybe a little bit of closure, at least one less decision. I'm glad to hear you put on your big girl pants, I think you'd regret it later if you hadn't. You done good.:thumb:
The googly eyes made me cry. I'm glad this is something you were able to do, for yourself and your kids and everyone who knew him.
Sounds like you did just the right thing. Sometimes the best ideas just pop up like that. Good on yer, monster!
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And I did it.
...
Boom
...
It is a done deed.
Well done. Proud is the wrong word. I like the satisfaction you shared. I don't know what the right word is, but I like this feeling. Good on ya. You got it done when it was time to get it done.
thanks all. It's weird, but I think it's good. I think I may have thought about it at some point every single day for the last 730+ days. Because it was there. and now it isn't. :)
Blindsided again, but not crying. Watching Taskmaster on Youtube, googled one of the contestants to learn a little more about her. Found out she's from his home town and went to the same school he did. Born the year he left that school. I literally turned to tell him... :(
I shouldn't keep resurrecting this thread, but I don't want to shit my misery everywhere..... I'm not really miserable about this one though, I'm just really surprised that i actually physically moved to tell him something before I realized....
he's still in my dreams all the time (not like that, you dirty buggers...) but I'm used to that now. he wasn't for a little while and I thought oh, I have the hang of this... but now he's back.
I tell you what, he needs to fix the fucking hose if he shows up this weekend... ;)
Socially distanced hugs to you.
(Oh, and resurrect away!)
strange how the brain works things out (or doesn't) behind the scenes. Ripley appears in my dreams from time to time in normal settings... and it's normal that she's there. Like my subconscious missed the memo.
I had them about jinx for a while too, and she's still alive... like we'd be doing something as normal, but at some point I would realize it wasn't at all normal. At first those always had her being angry with me for some small thing, and I'd wake up relieved. She apparently has had the same kind of dreams with me in them. really weird.
takes a while for your subconscious to de-fragment, sounds like
your brain is skirting the boundaries of both worlds