In Local News...

This week, Glatt's Hairy Knees have been mostly working in McAngus McDonald's Sandwich Shop, where they could be seen wearing wee hairnets whilst dancing about and preparing morning rolls for the discerning customers.

Unfortunately the crowds drawn to the spectacle also drew the attention of a global fast food restaurant, which is now pursuing a lawsuit against McAngus (real name Ronald) as being too similar to their trademarked name, and therefore "confusing to customers".

McAngus was last seen crying into his Iron-Bru and singing "Donald Where's Your Troosers" and was therefore unavailable to comment.

It is hoped that Glatt's Hairy Knees will find further employment at a local Austrian-themed restaurant, Burgher King. Be sure we will keep you updated.

A local man has voluntarily withdrawn his novelty item from sale, for fear of litigation.

Entrepreneur Mr Bruce Kissenhugger has stopped advertising his Anti-Butthurt Cream after trial samples sent to friends backfired. We caught up with him in his doo-dad hideaway and he admitted to us that he hadn't expected the cream to be taken seriously.

"The idea came about because there are so many people who seem to want to be offended these days. It's like they're all butthurt all of the time. So I mixed up a cream and packaged it as Anti-Butthurt Cream as a joke. It was never intended as a serious remedy. I thought my friends would know that."

However a poor batch of self-adhesive mailing labels meant that the recipients did not realise the cream came from Bruce.

"One of my friends has piles, and just thought the cream came from the VA. Another is a gay of the homosexual persuasion and... well... I don't know where he thought it came from. Thing is, I used wallpaper paste to get a nice even consistency. And then a little Tabasco because the vinegar base stopped it from setting in the tube. I suppose putting "Not to be taken orally" on the packaging wasn't really fair warning. We did laugh about it afterwards though. When they got back from the Emergency Room. Maybe I shoulda used the cream to attach those labels."

Mr Kissenhugger's legal team Sue, Grabbit and Runn can be reached at 104950 Main Street, Hicksville, PA

Another is a gay of the homosexual persuasion

Anti-Butthurt Cream after trial samples sent to friends backfired

This week, Glatt's hairy knees have been mostly being banned from Italian magazines.

Apparently, the otherwise fit and healthy local man had his photo-shoot banned from Italian Vogue for projecting an unhealthy body image.

The magazine stated that although his knees were considerably smaller than his thighs, they were significantly more hairy. This could lead to hair envy in impressionable and less hirsute teenage boys and cause an increase in Emergency Room admissions if they attempted to recreate the look with superglue and shavings from the floor of barbershops. They therefore pulled the controversial ad campaign.

Glatt's knees' agent responded to the criticism saying his clients were not worried that they may lose work in future, and who the hell cares anyway, he's already got his paycheck.