Momma's got Depression
Momma can't stop crying but she tries to hide it from the kids. She hides it from the kids because people who care about the kids have told her that it's bad for them to see their strong momma down. So momma cries in private. She worries that's as bad as drinking in private (which momma doesn't do).
Momma cries in the car and while doing the laundry and in the shower and while tidying the yard. Momma cries while she does the paperwork and types on the cellar. Momma tried to get help but it's too hard. They wanted her to talk to a stranger on the phone to evaluate her needs before they would let her talk to a real person.
Momma can't sleep. She went to bed early last night because she was so tired, only to wake up early to allow more time for crying. One of the kids caught momma crying this morning now momma feels terrible. She tried to explain but....
Momma just needed to tell someone. thanks.
I'm sorry Momma. I hope typing about it made you feel a little better. No advice from me. I think you already know what you need to do. I encourage you to try again. *hugs*
Momma tried to get help but it's too hard. They wanted her to talk to a stranger on the phone to evaluate her needs before they would let her talk to a real person.
I have been there, anon. Getting help is not only hard, it's a blow to the ego. But everyone needs help sometimes, and even a "real person" is a stranger at first. Just get the stranger back on the phone and let it out. There's no expectations of what you're supposed to say, and you can cry to them just as easily as you can cry to yourself, right? You are already strong enough to admit when it's time to get help, and everything after that is surprisingly easy, I promise.
Glad you shared, Momma. But please continue to seek help. Talking to a stranger on the phone may let a clinic direct you to the best person on their staff to help you - please reconsider it. Or go to your primary care provider as a starting place and ask for a referral to whoever he/she thinks best. It's hard to generate the energy to research available options when you're depressed, so start with the most available, quickest access.
And - no one should be making you feel guilty if one of the kids sees you crying. The 'people who care about the kids' should step up and babysit to give you the chance to go to appointments and get help, and to generally help you out.
{{{hugs}}}, Momma. Please go and get the help you need, and keep sharing.
I've read countless stories from children who lived through their mother's depression.
And they are kinder given the benefit of hindsight, and grow up to deal with things better than children who lived through their mother's drinking.
Drinking is a choice - to the extent that any addict has a choice once they're on that slow roll down to hell. Trust me.
Depression is not a choice. It can be managed, but you did not ask for it.
Do you still love your children?
Of course you do.
Burned them with cigarettes recently? Left them in their own faeces? Taken them to a remote location to kill them to teach your partner a lesson?
No. You're doing what you can, Anon. And it must be bloody hard. But remember part of this is the depression. I won't anthropomorphise it, but depression affects emotions, judgement and sense of self worth. That's what it is.
Keep trying and trying for a way to find help.
There is a whole world of difference between crying and child-abuse.
Do get help anon. You wont regret it once you have. Theres no reason to suffer in silence. Xxx
Yeah: hugs from me too. And a nibbly kiss from Carrotchops.
Can you go directly to a dr? They could get you in to see someone faster maybe, or perscribe something temporaily?
When I started my crying fits, and panic attacks, the Dr gave me antidepresents... I did not fill the script, and now am wondering if I should have... Getting help, even short term, might at least stop Momma from crying, maybe :) either way kids are not oblivious... they already know something is up, its how handle it that will make more of an impression :) good luck to you, and even though I feel am not dealing well with all my issues, if you ever want to vent, please feel free to pm me anytime.
Momma can't stop crying but she tries to hide it from the kids. She hides it from the kids because people who care about the kids have told her that it's bad for them to see their strong momma down. So momma cries in private. She worries that's as bad as drinking in private (which momma doesn't do).
Momma cries in the car and while doing the laundry and in the shower and while tidying the yard. Momma cries while she does the paperwork and types on the cellar. Momma tried to get help but it's too hard. They wanted her to talk to a stranger on the phone to evaluate her needs before they would let her talk to a real person.
Momma can't sleep. She went to bed early last night because she was so tired, only to wake up early to allow more time for crying. One of the kids caught momma crying this morning now momma feels terrible. She tried to explain but....
Momma just needed to tell someone. thanks.
(hang on a minute while I jam this ill-fitting, stolen psychologist's hat on my head... ok, let's go)
anonymous, I'd like to address momma.
hey momma. you sound like you're hurting. not the kind where you smash your thumb with a hammer. crying in that case is a reasonable reaction and you probably wouldn't worry about your kids seeing your tears. people who care about the kids probably wouldn't think that it's bad for them to see the your reaction to being hurt. (sorry, I have to adjust this doggone hat. let me just put a couple wraps of tinfoil over it and under my chin... there. all better, I'm totally on top of it now)
I don't know why you're crying. but it sounds like the crying is a problem... I understand your desire to protect your children, that's right on target. I don't know anything about the the person who cares about your children, but I do think that the advice you got from them is bad advice if it adds to your burden, or if it creates an obstacle between you and help. let me give you some good advice: If I were you, I would not take bad advice.
(I'm gonna get rid of this tinfoil and this hat! Ah. Better. I can think more clearly now.)
Hey, look, being strong is good, it's important, it's helpful as an adult, as a parent. I wish you great strength. But... you knew there was a but, yeah? But I don't think letting your kids see you cry reduces your strength. And I don't think it harms your children. I've been a child who saw my mom cry. I've been a dad that cried in front of all my kids, on plenty of occasions. I'm ok; my kids are ok. The kids read my parental vibe, not just the tears. If I had reason and explained, my kids understood (even very young ones). The tears were unimportant compared to my reassurances.
I don't know. I hope you can overcome whatever's keeping you from finding the help you need. You will probably have to trust someone, your kiddos, the intake screener on the phone, random internet people like us, ... have the "person who cares for your kids" (and apparently already knows about your crying) arrange some help. I hope you get some relief soon. I don't like seeing people suffer. Good luck.
I don't know how old your kids are but maybe talk to them and try to explain on their level that you're just feeling a bit overwhelmed and sad at the moment. You'd be surprised at how preceptive kids can be, even if they're not seeing you cry they'll be picking up on something. I don't think for one minute that it hurts a child, seeing a parent upset, as long as they understand it's not because of them. If they've seen you and they don't know why they can easily jump to conclusions.
I think it's good for kids to see that their parents don't cope with everything all the time, that's not natural, human beings aren't like that. We get angry and upset and depressed and sometimes we lose our temper, they go through that too and we need to teach them how to deal with all these emotions. Showing emtion isn't about being weak, it's being a human being.
I'd say to you to give yourself a break, don't listen to anyone who tells you you're not being strong, that's rubbish.
Talk to someone, get the help you need and know that it will get better. The fact that you're even starting this thread shows that you're on your way to sorting this out.
Good luck x
Yeah, what soul13 said. My kids watched me being depressed for the better part of a year. I would tell them many times that I wasn't feeling well, that I was sad, that I loved them, and that I needed to rest a lot. I explained to them it had nothing to do with them, and that it was like having a cold, but instead of sniffling it was being sad and tired.
They seemed to get it, they rolled with it, and I believe it was helpful for me to validate and confirm their observations.
Self blame is a big part of depression. A lot of people have this weird idea about depression meds but wouldn't think twice about taking antibiotics, thryroid medication, or insulin. Everything that happens in a human body is chemical and electrical, there is no magical etheric brain sauce that formulates thoughts and emotions. We're just a big pile of chemicals doing their thing and sometimes shit goes whack.
Tweaking the chemistry is a good starting place.
Allow yourself to be sick and start from there. You are not alone by a longshot. Especially on this board.
I don't think for one minute that it hurts a child, seeing a parent upset
Disagree
...as long as they understand it's not because of them. If they've seen you and they don't know why they can easily jump to conclusions.
Ding-ding-ding! Now agree completely.
I have always blamed myself for every bad feeling my mother has.
Possibly by being told so many times as a child that I caused all the rows in the house and they would get a divorce and it would all be my fault.
Children can deal with so much as long as they know they are loved and not responsible for the bad things. I've met teens who were taken into care who had closer bonds with their mother than I ever did. They did not feel alienated or abandoned, or suffer teen angst "Nobody understands me!" as those of us with "normal" families did. They just wanted their mum to get better/ recover/ get help.
Keep breathing. It helps.
Momma had routine follow-up with her regular doc who recommended another place to try. Same story. call our stranger on the intake line. Momma got a recommendation from a shrink friend. No new patients. So after crying all morning, Momma got her act together and called to speak to the intake person at the first place. the secretary wouldn't even put her through to the intake person without insurance details and then wanting to know what it was about to which secretary read a script "there is a 4-6 week minimum wait for all of our counselors. if you feel like you might not want to live any more you should dial 911.........." Momma hung up :cry: Momma cried in front of friends. Momma finally told everyone who would listen the problem. Momma might as well have admitted to having leprosy.
Momma feels better now, but suspects that is due to not having to try and seek help for two days because offices are closed. What is wrong with this picture?
WTF? That's total bullshit. You don't need to wait to see someone. Call United Way and tell them your situation. There are counselors who will see you for free w/o insurance, and a lot of great antidepressants are generic now and only a few buck a month out of pocket. Back when I was first diagnosed w/o insurance meds were 90 bucks a month.
I wish you the strength to make it to the next step. Remember how to eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
Q: What does United Way do?
A: United Way works to improve lives and community conditions by bringing people and resources together to focus on the local issues that matter most. We operate by the philosophy that together, united, we accomplish far more than any individual or single agency could achieve alone. United Way harnesses the collective power of personal giving, corporate participation, expertise in human services, the energy of volunteers and the work of like-minded organizations.
United Way tends to be most visible in the community during its annual fundraising campaign, which typically begins in late summer. However, United Way is active year-round studying community needs and directing resources to where they will accomplish the greatest benefit...in changed lives and stronger communities. Our focus is on EDUCATION, INCOME, HEALTH and people's ability to meet their BASIC NEEDS. These are the building blocks everyone needs for a good quality of life, and they are the cornerstones to strong, prosperous community.
Ah. See Momma's doc can prescribe antidepressants. and Momma has great insurance. But Momma really needs to talk to someone about the cause of her depression to start to get it fixed. And Momma has difficulty talking to intake people on the phone, she sure as shit aint gonna call United Way. Momma's not suicidal. Momma just needed to let people know that it was hard. And practice owning up to the problem. But thanks. You being there and caring helps more than you can ever know.
Keep seeking, Momma. Call Crisis Services any time. They'll get you past the months-long queue for outpatient care. You can get access quicker through them. Do what you need to do.
Anon, I was able to reach an agreement with my GP where I could just turn up at the practice. If there were no appointments available I would just sit and stare at the walls for a while. They accepted this because I could not bear to use the phone at that point.
And when I was back in Aylesbury I used an advocate to help me through issues like this. I was in daycare and we had a visit from a law firm that did pro bono work. I was able to talk to the chap face to face and make an appointment. He helped me through the complicated procedure of claiming benefits. I don't need it this time, which shows how far I've come, mentally at least.
Look online, see if you can find anyone in your area who deals with mental health. Preferably a charity. And if you can't call them to make an appointment, try turning up and just apologising. Write it on a piece of paper if you don't think you can even handle that.
"My name is Momma, I need help but I find I can't actually speak about it."
There is help out there, and people willing to give it.
And I'm not saying any of the above is easy. You will have to take a leap of faith at some point. And you might find you've leapt too far, either because you can't deal with the situation, or because the help offered is for people with less ability to cope than you.
I found that in Greenwich; I went to an Art Therapy class to find I couldn't have a coherent conversation with anyone else attending. It obviously wasn't the right place for me.
But good luck.
You have absolutely everything to gain.
And come back and talk if the world is turning into shades of shit, because there are plenty of people here willing to help. You know that. To use the Anon login you're a long-time or frequent Dwellar, so you know how we roll.
I don't have any good advice just letting you know we're listening... be well.
You being there and caring helps more than you can ever know.
We're here. We care.
Does your insurance require a referral, or have a very limited number of places you are allowed to talk to? There should be lots and lots of private counselors with immediate appointments available, just do a search for "LCSW" and your area.
Momma's shrink friend gave Momma the number of one of their cow orkers. The direct line. Momma called last week and talked to an answerphone. Shrink called back and an appointment was set. It happened today. tvm everyone. Momma's going to be a while in fixing, but she has a new Kleenex supplier.
:celebrat: EXCELLENT! Half the battle is getting started doing something.
Glad to hear this, Momma. Sending good vibes your way.
Excellent news. Well done on taking that first difficult step.
Sent by thought transference
Thank you for the update, I love hearing good news. Keep at it, don't give up.
Wondering how Momma's doing, if she cares to give an update.
Momma's crying again. But it's different this time. And Momma's insurance changed so she couldn't see the same person if she wanted to. But she doesn't. She learned to recognize when she needed help and even learned to say "help me" but People just ask "how"? and Momma doesn't know the answer. But Momma always has the answer. So People are afraid and back off. Like Momma is a raccoon out at noon. And Momma cries some more.
Urgh, sounds familiar.
The usual question in mental health"care", delivered in a patronising way, "What is it you want us to do for you?"
I don't know, what you got?
Sorry, Momma. None of us have the answers, but if nothing's working, all I can say is try something you've never tried before, no matter how scary or unlikely or weird. Sometimes it's the rut itself that gets us down, so it doesn't matter what we do as long as it's outside the rut, or sometimes the tears lie to us about our options to begin with.
I'm not endorsing this nor dismissing it, I don't know. But I saw it and someone might be interested.
Depression-Busting Exercise Tips For People Too Depressed To Exercise.
If you’ve struggled with depression at any point in your life, you’ve probably heard some well-meaning soul say “just try to get some exercise, it’s good for your mood!” Annoyingly, they’re right; I don’t think that exercise can single-handedly cure depression or treat its symptoms, but it’s clearly helpful for many people who struggle. In the 10 years I spent in the fitness industry, both as a personal trainer with depressed clients and as the depressed client myself, I’ve seen physical activity provide focus, routine, comfort, and even assistance with physical health when it feels like everything else is going to hell.
But there’s one thing that never, ever helps people who are dealing with situational or clinical depression: telling them that exercise will help.
When it comes to having a mental illness, the G.I. Joe doctrine is meaningless: Knowing what will help you isn’t close to half the battle. It’s a tenth of the battle, at best. Most people with depression are already aware—often too aware—of all the things we could or should be doing to combat our condition. But where the well-meaning mentally healthy person sees a straightforward progression toward improvement, we see the paradox: yes, if we could do those things, it might help our depression, but not being able to do those things is a major part of being depressed.
Depression is not the same as anxiety, but I always found it really helpful to think of exercise in terms of self-harm. Like, yeah, cutting hurts, but 100 sit-ups hurt more. And then no one knows what you're up to.
But where the well-meaning mentally healthy person sees a straightforward progression toward improvement, we see the paradox: yes, if we could do those things, it might help our depression, but not being able to do those things is a major part of being depressed.
Oh jesus, yes!
For me it's not exercise that's the problem, but doing things to progress the good stuff in my life - like cleaning my house, cooking proper meals, making that phone call to sort out a bill. These things that seem so easy when in one state of mind, feel like a virtual impossibility in another.
It turns out Momma has probably suffered from depression her whole life but didn't know it, didn't know a person could be "down" without a real "reason", didn't really know about depression, didn't understand it, didn't realize she wasn't just lazy and useless. Now Momma has several good reasons to be down and lives a good part of her life as a useful and productive adult, it's easier for her to spot it and admit it. A little easier. Not any easier to ask for help, though. Not any easier at all. Maybe harder because Momma needs to be strong for others.
Thank you for sharing this.
Momma can let off steam here. Does she have any friends not connected to those she has to be strong for that she could lean on, rant at, vent at? Perhaps that would help a little?
:comfort:
Momma does need to take care of Momma, that much we know. What none of us can understand is any one person's experience. However, some of us do understand depression on a general level. And (I hope this comes out right) I think we people who deal with it are, in some strange ways, stronger than those who don't (and please note that I said 'in some strange ways' because the distinction is important. So many people are strong in ways I envy and can never be.) What I mean is, every time we ask for help, or every time we put a foot on the floor and get up, every time we post in a thread, every time we put the covers over our heads, every time we let someone help, and every time we push someone away...we are doing what it takes to survive in that particular moment.
I applaud Momma, and I wish with all my heart that Momma knows what she is and feels better someday. There, that part sounds trite...but even for me I hold the things that people say very near to me: both mean and nice...it all hits me in my 'heart.' And the nice things, the good things, while they don't change the depression, sometimes they really help.
Sorry if I sound stupid.
Of course you are stronger.
If I don't have depression, and getting though the day is easy, does that mean I am strong? I don't think so. I haven't been tested.
Sometimes the "have to be strong for others" thing is a fallacy. Sometimes others need to see us vulnerable because it gives them permission to be vulnerable too. I spent a long time being strong for others and only later found out how much they resented my supposed strength, because they didn't think they could live up to it or be worthy of it.
That is a really good point, Clodfobble.
Momma took one of her offspring to a new shrink today. (Because insurance changes) New shrink seemed more concerned with Momma's depression than kid's woes. Told Momma Kid's troubles not her fault ...then told momma her depression is not helping kid. =fault in Momma's eyes. :rolleyes:
Momma had forgotten all about this thread. Forgotten that when she finally did go for counselling they told her she'd always had depression.
Momma has many good reasons to be depressed right now. She feels entitled. And now Momma is miserable about being told to get fixed. For other people.
but Maybe Momma will email the new shrink to find someone again. And maybe not.
I've always wondered if you should fine a shrink and stick it out hoping to be shown the fix, or try several shrinks to see if you can find one who thinks the way you do and will give you the confidence to go fix yourself?
I'm sure it's not hard for you to picture scenarios with both approaches, so which way is best?
I hope your mom is doing better anonymous!!
God bless you my friend :)
The last thing folks want to be told is to do something when they need to do something but you've been carrying a lot for other people which makes it easy not to. Imma give myself the :dunce: award for that sentence. Please do something for yourself.
Every day...
I love this fucking picture.
New shrink seemed more concerned with Momma's depression than kid's woes. Told Momma Kid's troubles not her fault ...then told momma her depression is not helping kid. =fault in Momma's eyes.
This is always how it is. The classic therapy question is "tell me about your mother" because we're always assumed to be part of the problem. Sometimes we are, and sometimes we're not, but the pity-accusations are always there regardless.
Sure, it's always somebody else's fault, probably your mother, is heard so often it's a meme.
Mama's depression isn't a fault, it's a ongoing contributing factor.
Dear Anonymous, I struggle every day too. Some days are better and some days are worse, but it never completely goes away. I keep putting one foot in front of the other because I am needed by my family. All I can do is trust that if I keep trying, someday it will get better.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Attaboy Sarge
That's all you can do, and you're doin it.
I'm kinda confused, is Momma the original poster, anon?
I went thru 10 yrs of clinical depression from 1991 to 2002, no crying but pretty bad and many docs as I believed it was thryoid issues and the docs and their obsession with numbers, said "no you are fine"....telling me I'm fine when I was NOT.,....
They just kept hitting me with cocktails of anti depressant drugs, which did NOTHING.....it was thyroid...
Had a great D.O. who worked on my back for years and he finally "got it", put me on Armour thyroid and in 4 days depression was gone....that was 18 yrs ago...never to return and I take thyroid support daily, pretty low dose now.
Thyroid is so missed and it's so IMPORTANT and WE ARE NOT NUMBERS... we are symptoms and there are some 66 symptoms of sluggish thyroid and Depression is right up there.....
At 82 I don't struggle with depression, chronic pain YES from OA, but I manage..
Wonder if the poster is still around as well.
Every day...
...
True fact.
This exact image is why I *love* my Merrills. Fuck that bending over and blindly tangling my fingers in the laces shit. I love xoB's post so damn much.
so many old timers' posts in this thread. I miss my old friends.
If you're reading this, OLD FRIEND, please, *please* post and say hi, then you can resubmerge to trolling depth.
You know who you are.
Well Momma's still here. Always has been. And is still depressed. And still has damn good reason to be. But maybe coping a little better, learning to recognize when it's just the depression "talking". Momma gave up on the shrinks and started taking gropeseed oil and feeling. Many of you know who momma is, and Momma thanks those people for their ongoing support and discretion. Momma has, however, never been comforted by the tailposters who pop up occasionally but do not read for comprehension before sticking their 2¢ in and opening old wounds.
Well Momma's still here. Always has been. And is still depressed. And still has damn good reason to be. But maybe coping a little better, learning to recognize when it's just the depression "talking". Momma gave up on the shrinks and started taking gropeseed oil and feeling. Many of you know who momma is, and Momma thanks those people for their ongoing support and discretion. Momma has, however, never been comforted by the tailposters who pop up occasionally but do not read for comprehension before sticking their 2¢ in and opening old wounds.
Unbelievable????
Jamin, the anonymous account is used by regular posters here--everyone knows the password to it--when we want to talk about sensitive stuff and don't want it to be as traceable as public forum posting tends to be. I'm not sure what you find "unbelievable," but I can assure you that when taken in context, anon's post makes perfect sense.
Jamin, the anonymous account is used by regular posters here--everyone knows the password to it--when we want to talk about sensitive stuff and don't want it to be as traceable as public forum posting tends to be. I'm not sure what you find "unbelievable," but I can assure you that when taken in context, anon's post makes perfect sense.
Oh, well one has to be a longtime member to know all the quirks around here, but not much time left for Cellar anyway as I'm reading today.
I still say Thyroid is so missed for so many health issues....either missed totally, wrong med and or wrong dose....
Jamin, the anonymous account is used by regular posters here--everyone knows the password to it
Hmmm I dont know the passcode....
Ah man!!
That information is at the bottom of EVERY POST from that account. Available to all who READ properly before posting.