More bad karma. Or something.
Wow. Trying to wrap my head around the fact that I have a breast mass. A big, honking lump in my right breast.
Found it two nights ago, inadvertently. There it was. Huge. How did I miss it before?
I think I have felt it before, actually – maybe a couple years or more ago. Just as big. And then it disappeared. So could it be a hormone-responsive fibroadenoma? God, I hope so.
On the plus side, I haven’t lost weight, haven’t been ill, I’m slim, I eat a low-fat diet that’s mostly whole plant foods. No unusual bone pain, cough, weird CNS symptoms. On the minus side, I’m 52, haven’t had a mammogram in 12 years, I drink alcohol (it's a possible risk factor), I had my first baby above 20 years old (really, do we all have to be teen mothers to not get breast cancer?).
I dithered a day, then went and got seen today. And the FP guy felt it too. Measured it at 2 x 2.5 cm. SHIT. That’s Tumor Stage 2 – T2 – right off. I have a little tender axillary node, but honestly it just came up last week and I can’t see that it could be malignant. It’s tiny, mobile, and tender – reactive. Not malignant. Don’t think about that.
But someone besides me says the lump is there, it exists, and I have a diagnostic mammogram booked for next Tuesday morning. Now I have to get through this weekend in Colorado with my daughter, our fun cowgirl weekend together, and not let on. I’m glad the mammogram isn’t tomorrow, actually – if it were, and I got bad news, it’d be much harder to keep it from her. I WILL have this weekend, have fun, enjoy my daughter, and not let this cast a shadow. If it’s bad news, it can wait until next week.
I just have to convince myself of that tonight.
I feel like screaming.
I can’t let my ex know. My big fear – he’ll just suck me right back in, take over, control everything, consume me. I have to think about how I’ll handle things if this IS malignant. After all I’ve been through, after all I had to do to get away … I can’t go back. He’ll want me back, want to remarry me and put me back on his health insurance. Health insurance, or the lack of it, is a scary thing. I have it now through my training program in WV; but if I do have cancer and need expensive treatment, will I be able to finish my residency? Will I lose my insurance if I can't continue? Will I be able to get work after, and get insurance given a pre-existing diagnosis of cancer? Will I be left with no insurance?
I’m panicking and that can’t happen. This will probably turn out to be a fibroadenoma. Except I’ve never had fibrocystic disease, ever. I’ve never had a cyst or a breast lump. Pretty strange for it to happen all of a sudden at 52. Not likely.
This is probably cancer. I’m going to get the diagnosis next week. And then what? Will I be up to doing my residency, to the MPH grad courses? So many questions. Not many positive answers.
I won’t die from this, I refuse. Holy shit, after all I’ve been through!!! After all the terrorizing, all the death threats, all the fear, the wasted time, the regrets.
I just can’t stand the pure bad karma I seem to have. One thing after another. I can’t seem to catch a break.
Tomorrow I’m going to the new student orientation for my MPH. I’ll sit there, join in the discussions, have lunch with everyone, and I won’t even know if I’ll be there at the classes. Next week my life could change completely. I know, I could get run over by a bus tomorrow and that would change my life too. But this … it’s like knowing that bus is coming next Tuesday, nothing I can do about it, and I may or may not survive the collision.
Orthodoc - take a deep breath.
I survived stage 3 breast cancer. This may not be malig.-
It may be a cyst - it's mobile & that is good. Mine was not.
Pm me anytime if you want more info.
Hugs. Best vibes your way!
If you believe in karma, then good. Think of it this way: "it" waited until you had your previous world changing crisis behind you. You've already survived. You already know you can face uncertainty, calamity, danger, etc. and prevail. You're already a survivor. Karma's doing you a favor. [/pollyanna]
Now.
Cancer's a favor to no one. But you will find that worrying about specific details like you already clearly know is bad enough, don't add in worry about details you don't know. What kind of masochist are you anyhow?
You're tough, smart and strong. That's a good combination for any set of circumstances. You'd want you on your team--congratulations, wish granted. You've never been in a better situation to handle whatever this is. And that *is* in your favor.
Thank you all, more than you know ... holding onto your good thoughts tonight. Tomorrow will be better, I know. Thanks. Sorry about the hysteria.
You'll be just fine. Cancer or not. My friend had stage 4 and is doing just fine. She's one of many friends who fonud lumps/masses. All the others were benign.
Yeah, what everyone else has said. Breast cancer is not a death sentence. It might mean a change of lifestyle for a while, but after, you'll be fine. So many women find lumps and have them removed and then have precautionary treatment 'just in case' and never have any other problems. Once your body is over 40, you start growing all sorts of strange things in strange places. Don't be freaked out. Just follow the steps and get it all sorted.
Have a great weekend, there's nothing gained by worrying before you have confirmation there's really something to worry about. Worst case, you'll get it taken care of... and save money on hair dressers for a little while. It'll make a great story to tell your great-great-grandchildren. ;)
Perhaps this is just stress related? You didnt mention, do you drink a lot of coffee?
Perhaps this is just stress related? You didnt mention, do you drink a lot of coffee?
yeah, but not with her boobs!
What they all said.
In simplistic terms, what is happening is alrady happening.
Finding out is the beginning of a different journey.
Don't borrow trouble this weekend.
Have the best time you can have.
Anything that needs to be faced will still be there for you when you get back.
Much love to you though. A horrible thing to discover.
ortho, I'm sorry you're going through this scare. Try not to think about it, and just enjoy your weekend. You've got a plan and you are doing everything you can do right now.
[ATTACH]39850[/ATTACH]
The Bobby McFerrin Flowchart of Life.
:thumbsup:
"I cannot say that I am happy that I was sick, but I am glad, if it had to happen, that it brought me to the place I am now. It's a better place than a I was before." - Marilyn French.
:flower:
I once had a cancer scare (pancreas) and had treatments "just in case".
It turned out to be nothing more than an overcautious doctor. I remember how my world came crashing in when I heard the C word and how elated I felt when it turned out that the first doctor was just an idiot. I really can't count myself among "cancer survivors" but I can count myself among those who took chemo. And survived.
Hang in there, this WILL turn out to be nothing at all!
Love
Pamela
Home from work, doing so much better today. Because of you guys. Honestly. :blush: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Last night was my collapse, my stream-of-consciousness ohmygod that you all fielded. And sent me back sensible, caring, practical advice and good thoughts.
I've read my references, I know the worst case scenario and I have at least some idea of how I'll approach things if it turns out to be that. If it's not, that's cake. If it's totally benign, I'll buy all you guys a virtual drink (sorry, wish it could be real) and send in a big tip to the tip mug. :) (Actually, I'll do that anyway! But if I could buy you guys a drink, I would ...)
In the meantime I have horses to ride and cows to herd ... packing up my stuff and I'm going to enjoy every minute of this weekend, from the airport (maybe have a drink on the plane, just for the hell of it) to the campground and back. I'm going to enjoy every minute with my daughter, who is THE BEST, most amazing young woman I've ever met. And then we'll see. If it's bad, I think I'll go see what the night sky looks like from the bottom of the Grand Canyon, or go to Maine, or ... somewhere cool ... before things begin. And I'll beat the f*cker. Because I did NOT come this far to lie down and be beaten at this point.
(Note to BigV: thanks for your note about karma. Imagine if I'd found this a few weeks ago, before my divorce was final, before I'd moved out? Talk about being roped back in! At least I can now deal with this on MY terms. So yes, maybe this isn't bad karma after all.)
Oh yes ... I'll do my best to get some decent pics of the weekend and post them. Hopefully they'll be good for a laugh!!
You're welcome. :)
Have fun and be safe. Pics or it didn't happen.
...or...what happens on horseback stays on horseback!
sometimes what happens on horseback echoes through the canyons too.
It all depends on how hard you hit the ground! In that case, what happens may stay in the canyons ... !
(Unless it's particularly funny, in which case I'll swallow my pride and post it anyway)
Yes, pics please. At every stage and of everything.
So the weekend was great. GREAT! The accommodations were a little more rustic than I expected - the shower was 'broken', no running water, tent in the backcountry. That was cool, I just thought there'd be a bit more 'campsite' to it. The staff asked right away if we had food in our luggage because, if so, please keep it in the car. The place is full of ... bears. Bears, omg! (I've had a phobia of bears for years.)
Now, why I didn't clue in to the fact that in the Colorado backcountry there might be bears, especially in a place called Bear Basin Ranch, I do not know. D-uhhhhh. My daughter laughed her head off, because apparently while I was standing there thinking: no problem, the bears won't come, and if they do I'll kill them before they get near my daughter! - my face looked like I was screaming inside. Gotta work on that!
Anyway - I'll post pics, if I can figure out how, when I get home tonight. Proof! I have herded and 'cut' cattle on horseback. Hooray!
A little less 'hooray' is how things went with my tests yesterday. That big bus I felt coming last week? It gave me a pretty good hit. I do not have a cyst. I have a solid, irregular mass with microcalcifications, which is mammogram-speak for cancer. The ultrasound was no better. They took an U/S-guided biopsy immediately and are expediting the pathology so I can see the surgeon Friday and hopefully the oncologist Monday. They're pretty efficient; the nurse hinted that I might get my surgery next Thursday. All pending the path report, but no one seemed to doubt what was going on.
So ... damn.
I did buy a baseball cap with a grizzly on it, at the ranch. A sort of 'face your fears' thing; rather than wear a cap with nice horses on it, I thought I'd wear the thing I was afraid of. So maybe I'll just wear this cap if/when I'm having chemo.
I'm sorry, Orthodoc. That's really bad news. But good job keeping your focus on what has to be done. You're going to take care of it and come out the other side a stronger woman.
You can do this.
YOU CAN DO THIS!
If this thing was outside your body, you could squish it under your heel.
If this thing was outside your body, you could squish it under your heel.
Wish it were; wish I could. Guess I have to use more subtle means to destroy it. Although the first moment the surgeon says she can yank that sucker, I'm there! On that table! Get the damned thing out ...
They'll take it out. You'll have chemo, then you'll be better. Just go through the process..as shitty as it is.
eta: Re reading that I come off a bit blasé, but I didn't mean to. At times of high stress I just find that focussing on the mechanics stops my mind from wandering into areas it's better off not contemplating.
No problem. I'm focusing mostly on mechanics at the moment, myself.
Official call with the path result came this morning: it's cancer. Stage 1 clinically so far, which is good. Grade 3 histology, which is bad. I won't get away without chemo and the survival rate is lower. I hope, hope, hope this is not triple-negative (which would be added bad on top).
At least now I know for sure and I can make a plan and get ready. They should have the rest of the results (receptor status etc.) by my appointments Monday morning, or at least sometime early next week. I'll find out when my surgery will be - hopefully asap. With that histology I want this f*cker out.
Time to practice meditation, drink green tea, eat very healthy foods ... [COLOR="PaleTurquoise"]and stop shaking.[/COLOR]
snip--
eta: Re reading that I come off a bit blasé, but I didn't mean to. At times of high stress I just find that focussing on the mechanics stops my mind from wandering into areas it's better off not contemplating.
Perhaps, but it doesn't sound that way to me though you're not talking to me. That's your training kicking in. We've all experienced it. It's a good thing.
Go easy on the caffeine and carbs. Cancers love that stuff. :/
Oh honey, what a shitty thing to have to deal with. You'll get through though. At least you're in a much better place to deal with this stuff than you were before. Keep strong. Think about all the people who've beaten it and give a big Fuck You to cancer.
What Undertoad said.
Visualize squishing this puny thing under your heel, just destroying it, grind it into the ground and show it for what it really is: cowardly rogue cells just ripe to be taken out.
Thanks ... I was expecting to be told it was cancer, knew it was a T1 (so Stage I clinically for now), but have been pretty bummed about the Grade 3 histology. However. It just means I'll have to hit this thing with everything. This is war!
I've cleaned out my cupboards and fridge; no more cheese/meat/alcohol/fatty treats. In with the healthy food (I already had a bunch, but now it's the only stuff in there)! And the green tea ... have to see if I can find Japanese green tea that costs less than $20 for 2 oz. :eek:
I just want to be in the best possible condition to fight this. If I can take a load off my immune system by avoiding inflammation-inducing foods and stay in good physical shape, hopefully my body will have the resources to fight hard.
I told one family member tonight and that was all I could do. The biggest stress right now is the prospect of telling all my relatives. Especially my kids. Has to be done but ... :(
I told one family member tonight and that was all I could do. The biggest stress right now is the prospect of telling all my relatives. Especially my kids. Has to be done but ... :(
I can totally understand that, but that sucks that that's the way it is.
If it were my mom, I wouldn't want her stressing about telling me. I'd want her to break the news the easiest way possible for her, and if that meant a mass email to everyone at the same time, that would be what I'd want her to do.
Everyone seems to cope differently with telling people stuff like this. With our Mum, my brother and I knew as soon as she'd come out of her appointment with the specialist because for one thing, I took her to the app and then told my brother for her. Then I just rang the aunty in the family that likes to tell people stuff and let her do her thing. It was pretty easy and Mum didn't have to worry about telling anyone.
A friend of mine who is dealing with breast cancer at the moment hasn't even told her kids about the latest round of radiation she's having because she 'doesn't want to worry them'. Personally, I disagree with her choice there, but it's up to her.
It will be hard, ortho, but not as hard as what you've already been through. You can beat this puny walnut of a thing.
Thanks, guys. I've been stressing about this a lot, but I had a hilarious call tonight with my mother ...
She was terrifyingly abusive to me and my 3 sibs all through childhood/adolescence - the source of my bear phobias. She's a narcissist and now lives alone, secure in her view of how everyone has treated her badly.
So I called her to let her know, and she was totally perky and upbeat. It can't be anything, because no one else in the family (read: her) has had this; so it can't be anything major. Her mother had a benign tumor once, so this won't be anything either. More narcissistic stuff that I really shouldn't make public. :smack:
Anyway ... a little humor from unexpected (or expected) sources never hurts, right? :yelsick:
On the upside, I'm trying out some new healthy recipes. Made a fantastic Thai soup tonight. Yumm.
Anyway ... a little humor from unexpected (or expected) sources never hurts, right? :yelsick:
Absolutely, take it from wherever you can get it, and be thankful you can recognize it. That shows besides your fears, which is natural, you've got your head on straight and can handle this. :thumb:
By the look of the photos from the cowgirl trip, your "children" are grown up.
I think you should tell them directly, plainly, and openly, without taking on the extra burden of hiding things or "managing" the message.
Just my two cents worth.
! And the green tea ... have to see if I can find Japanese green tea that costs less than $20 for 2 oz. :eek:
(
From our local co-op:
Organic Green gunpowder tea - 14.00 / pound
Organic Green SenCha tea - 17.00 / pound
pm me if you'd like me to mail you some.
You will beat this thing! fuck cancer
fuck cancer
Absolutely! There has to be a t-shirt somewhere that says that.
Just reading this thread for the first time (been away in no-innernet-land). Good luck Ortho! Listen to Bri, keep well and upbeat. Sending positive vibes from across the water. x
@ Bruce ... thanks! There's one I especially love: 'Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo Cancer'. Think I'll get that one. :)
@ Zen and glatt ... you're right, I didn't try to 'manage' the message, just modeled it on the 'how to give bad news' model from school: Give the facts briefly. Wait. Add concrete information as to the next steps. Rinse. Repeat with next family member. It went okay. And there was some unexpected humor here and there, which is golden.
@ limey ... thanks! I appreciate your good wishes. I am indeed listening to and taking Bri's excellent advice.
@griff, clod, ali, footfootfoot, Dana, and others whose names I am NOT intentionally leaving out ... thanks much. One day at a time, and today was a good day. Found out some of my test results are generally favorable for treatment options. Very encouraging!
Well, that's good news, at least.
We could make a cellar specific "Kick cancer in the taco." shirt too, I suppose.
Give cancer the cunt punt? Cunt punt a cancer today?
I dunno...it needs work :p
Ortho: good news on the test results:)
Found out some of my test results are generally favorable for treatment options. Very encouraging!
:jig:
One step forward, five steps back ... phone call from the oncologist today says they all went over the pathology again and want to add an addendum saying it's not as bad as it looked at first glance (but this doesn't fill me with confidence - did it take the entire team to convince themselves of this? Why didn't it look medium-bad at first glance instead of severely-bad?). Okay, it's good news.
Then he tells me the surgeon and plastic surgeon think they can get together in the same OR with me in ... OCTOBER. Fucking OCTOBER!!! That's oh, 3 months post-diagnosis. Maybe there'll be lots of little positive nodes to keep them busy then, maybe even a liver or brain met to make their day exciting ...
I lost it. I burst into tears on the phone. I have now cried twice on this man, this oncologist, and I haven't cried on anyone else so far; only by myself. He's going to think I'm a nutcase. I told him the national average 'wait' for breast cancer surgery is one month and WVU tries to do better, so what is this? Does no one at WVU get reconstruction done? He was very nice, he's honestly a great guy, and he said he'd call other surgeons in town and see what could be done. But now I don't know ... do I call UPMC? Call my insurance and see how much it'll cost to go out of network? Screw it, borrow money and pay cash somewhere out of state? Yet I have to keep working here. I can't quit or I'll lose my chance at writing Boards (which I need in order to be employable in future).
All this delay also promises to scuttle my MPH. The university is totally rigid with dates for dropping courses. If I have chemo and it spans both first and second semesters (because it doesn't start until November, with an October surgery), thereby scuttling both, I won't be able to make it up and I'll be out of the program. Meaning I won't graduate my residency, won't be able to write my Boards, and won't be employable on the other side of all this (assuming there IS an other side). The more delay, the better the chance that I'm screwed.
And ... one more big lousy karma turd falling on me ... not only have several of my 'friends' bailed after a quick 'so sorry', but a guy I was seeing - as a friend, no big relationship, but someone I liked and was willing to just go along and see what happened ... I let him know how things were looking last week, before I got the path report, and ... silence. He's gone to radio silence. Wtf, I only wanted to be friends, and friends ... at least say 'so sorry' before they bail. I wasn't even worth a 'so sorry but I can't deal with this'?
These men who sing sad songs on videos about waiting on a woman and having their hearts broken and all that? I haven't met any. I just ... I don't know. I know others are having a hard time, I don't want to give offense. I just don't know why I've never run across any of these nice, normal men. If they were all in happy, fulfilling relationships I'd be happy just to know they existed, it'd restore some of my confidence in the human race.
Well that's a big fat pile of shitto suckfest.
While we're fucking cancer can we fuck that school's rigid policy?
There seems to be a deep irony there, Ortho. Enough almost to drive you into the arms of homeopathy...
The university is totally rigid with dates for dropping courses. If I have chemo and it spans both first and second semesters (because it doesn't start until November, with an October surgery), thereby scuttling both, I won't be able to make it up and I'll be out of the program. Meaning I won't graduate my residency, won't be able to write my Boards, and won't be employable on the other side of all this (assuming there IS an other side). The more delay, the better the chance that I'm screwed.
That sounds like a violation of the Americans With Disabilities Act, to me.
I let him know how things were looking last week, before I got the path report, and ... silence. He's gone to radio silence. Wtf, I only wanted to be friends, and friends ... at least say 'so sorry' before they bail. I wasn't even worth a 'so sorry but I can't deal with this'?
Are you sure he felt the same way, and not more serious intentions? Did you tell him before you went to cowgirl camp? Since you haven't communicated you really don't know what he's thinking, you may have blown his mind and he's trying to figure out what to do. I'm just speculating here, just saying it's not black and white... it's never black and white.
These men who sing sad songs on videos about waiting on a woman and having their hearts broken and all that? I haven't met any.
Wait, weren't you married until just recently? That makes it a little awkward for random guys to prove their devotion.
...nice, normal men.
Bwahahahahahahaha Normal, what the hell is that?
...If they were all in happy, fulfilling relationships I'd be happy just to know they existed, it'd restore some of my confidence in the human race.
I've got more faith in the human race than I do in happy, fulfilling relationships, but that's a variable depending on an individual's definition of said same.
The only thing I can promise you is we here in the Cellar will stick by you no matter what. :3way:
Fuck cancer.
"The only thing I can promise you is we here in the Cellar will stick by you no matter what," - xoxoxobruce.
We are here for you, ortho. I know it's cyberspace, but we WILL help you get thru this.
School/boards - it is what it is.
the surgery date? - it can be tweaked.
Men? - your hormones/emotional state are in a storm. YOU are in a storm. Things are going to look more bleak than they actually are. You will come out of it. YOU WILL. One foot in front of the other, do what you can and what you can't do - give it up to the Universe.
Do you know the serenity prayer? yeah, it's corny, but it's helped even me and I'm a right old bitch sometimes.
...nice, normal men...
"Abby someone."
"Abby someone. Abby who?"
"Abby... Normal."
"Abby Normal?"
"I'm almost sure that was the name."
Fuckity fuckington McFuckshite. Ortho, I'm on the team here rooting for you all the way. I do think you're entitled to cry. On anyone at all. And especially on an oncologist bearing news, of any sort whatsoever. I say again - listen to Bri, and lean on us all. We're here for you, all around the world.
I would imagine that of all the medical specialties, oncologists would be pretty used to people bursting into tears. I would make that one so far last on the list of things to think about that it doesn't even rate. ;)
You guys are the best. I can't begin to say ... it all comes out sounding stupid and trite. But you are seriously keeping me on an even keel here.
'The only thing I can promise you is that we here in the Cellar will stick by you no matter what,' - xoxoxobruce.
I hereby withdraw my comments about never having met any ... let's say decent ... men (all right, I admit the 'nice, normal' thing was a howler). The Cellar is full of them! And wonderful women. Generally great human beings.
I'm looking into alternatives to WVU for surgery. UPMC is a possibility, and there's an independent surgical group with a plastics guy right here in town that apparently work much faster than the lumbering bureaucratic teaching system. My oncologist emailed back tonight that the surgeons will try to facilitate something faster once I've seen the plastic surgeon Monday - only my appointment is Thursday, maybe it's just a typo. It's all very vague, though. Think I'll try to get at least one other opinion in the meantime and then I hope someone will offer something sooner than October.
Guess I have to take a careful look at the ADA as well. I hadn't thought of it in terms of acute-onset illnesses but will check it out.
And yeh, I thought about the 'blown mind' thing with my un-friend and sent out a little contact, some gentle explanation that there are no big expectations or demands in the offing but would appreciate hearing from him. Nothing all day. I can give it forever, what the hell. I think the result will be the same, but at least I gave it a try.
So ... thanking all of you again and holding onto your support and warmth. I will get through this and YOU guys will be the reason why.
Haven't been around due to I-net woes, so I am only now reading this thread. Oh, orthodoc! My heart goes out to you as well as all the positive healing vibes I can send your way. Plus what everyone else said.
I'm pretty sure Bruce is right about the ADA, and the university could end up being a very sad entity if it tries to fuck you over just because you became sick. Fuck them and fuck cancer.
And if your "friend" doesn't come around, it's good to know sooner rather than later that he's worthless at emotional support. Also, you just never know with men. When I was in a position to, I did many favors for my own platonic male friend. He never seemed that appreciative, and I often felt he took my efforts for granted. But then I got laid off from my job and there he was leaving a $20 bill on my coffee table or buying me smokes when I was out or having me over to his place for dinner because he was worried I wasn't getting enough to eat. Guys. There's still some decent ones around.
Hang in there, sweetie!
That's a good point about the "friend." It's better to know now what his true colors are.
I think it's outstanding that you aren't just accepting this October BS. Keep pushing!
Give cancer the cunt punt? Cunt punt a cancer today?
Hahahahaha awesome.
Also I'm sending good vibes your way. Cancer is a douche.
Healing hugs from here to there. Fuck 'em all!
Get on the phone and talk to the Ins. Co. Try to reason with them at first and if they aren't willing to listen, you have other options. Find out what they'll pay and start calling Docs yourself then get back to the ins co.
Do the same with the school. The LAST thing they want to do is be sued. Just keep asking for a supervisor or boss until you get to the person that can actually make a decision.
Got a second opinion from another general surgeon today; I really liked him. He's in private practice, very experienced, thorough, talked fast but gave me plenty of time to ask questions and bring up issues. He shared the current literature views, his own thoughts, what he would suggest to his wife in the same situation, and then said it was up to me. I see the plastic surgeon he works with on Tuesday. He talked about some innovative things they do in terms of reconstruction and incisions, to get a better permanent cosmetic result and lessen trauma. If I like the plastic surgeon as well as this guy, I'll book with them. And they can do my surgery the beginning of September if not sooner.
Also got to talk to the pathologist who looked at my biopsy slides. She's the department chief and a two-year breast cancer survivor herself. She had a lot of sound, wise advice based on her own experience. I left the conversation with a lot of new thoughts.
So ... a very positive day! I'll also see the plastic surgeon who works with the first surgeon (the one I didn't like) next week, so I'll be able to compare the two teams - but I think I'll be hiring the guy I saw today. It's a tremendous relief to finally have some options and a sense of getting close to a firm plan. My brain may even clear enough to let me get some work done this weekend. High time. :)
Excellent! When left with nothing but your imagination it's likely to go places that are extreme, and leave you feeling helpless. Now you've got solid options to deal with you can map your strategy. Look out cancer, you're fucked. :thumb:
Thanks Bruce, it's true - having definite options makes a huge difference. I can move forward, can make decisions.
It's bizarre what stress can do ... for the past ten days my brain has been mush. I couldn't bring myself to do normal everyday things, couldn't cook, could barely throw a load of laundry in the machine. Good thing I only had academics last week; I sort of fudged my way through. Next week I have patients to see again - brain has to fire on more than one cylinder or I'll have to take a medical leave, for their sakes.
I've lived through a lot ... but nothing stopped me in my tracks quite like this. It didn't matter what I knew intellectually; psychologically I was ko'd.
The intellectual part was/is part of the problem, though. As much as we know breast cancer treatment has improved A LOT, and as thankful as I am for that, it's also the case that treatment is far from perfect.
Let's just say I'll be glad to have chemo, even though it'll kick my ass. The stuff to kill isn't the primary tumor, or even the local recurrence; it's the distant seeding.
But ... one day at a time. And re-evaluation of everything important in the meantime, which is not a bad thing.
Speaking of which ... it's ten days since I heard from un-friend. Pretty conclusive, right?
And my ex has stepped up in ways I never anticipated - offering anything I need, coming down to pick up my cats, offering to be a second pair of ears/second brain during appointments if I want, offering to come after surgery and at chemo to do necessary things ... if I want. Very respectful, no pushing.
Life - drops boulders on your head, pushes you off cliffs, sucker-punches you. I wish I could get a handle on it.
Appreciate the small victories in your life OD. You can get thru this.
Once I had tests come back and it was all doom for me. 2 weeks later I was told oops sorry we mixed your results with someone else. Good thing I had not eaten a pistol. I have learned that when you are at the bottom up is the only way you can go. I will be your cheerleader! :cheerldr:
Think of Bela Karolyi, YOU CAN DO IT!
Speaking of which ... it's ten days since I heard from un-friend. Pretty conclusive, right?
Yeah, it was pretty evident you scared him, or at least his imagination scared him. A lot of people go to pieces when someone they know has a medical issue.
Guess he don't want no chick that ain't gonna feel like making him a sandwich. :haha:
Passing up a hot babe... hey, his loss baby.:yesnod:
Yeah, watch out for the ex, just say no, thanks. Seriously. Classic abuser move, ingratiate themselves, create a debt that you owe them, power imbalance, entitlement, the cycle begins again.
Really. The cancer could be a metaphor for abusive relationships or vice versa.
A Jungian therapist once asked a friend of mine, "If [this event in] your life were a dream, what would it mean, how would you interpret it?"
I"m thinking of you orthodoc.
Hugs.
I agree with foot, do not let the ex back into the picture. He is not a nice person, he is only acting nice for his own purposes. You don't need him. Don't let him convince you that you do.
I gotta agree with 3Ft here. Warning bells jangling over your ex's offers of support.
My advice, is not necessarily to close the door on that, but not to call on that offer of help. Thank him for his offers of support. And appreciate the fact that you have some potential backup if you absolutely need it. But be very wary of actually letting him help with anything beyond words of encouragement. he may be absolutely genuine. Sudden illness like this can shake people. But he is also not to be trusted. because shakeups rarely change anybody in fundamental terms. However genuine his desire to help, he cannot be trusted not to slip into controlling behaviours and abuse the status that help would give him in your life.
You are strong enough. You have a handle on this. It's nice to know that someone's rooting for you, and draw strength from that fact. But don't open yourself up the hurt that comes from him not living up to the promise.
That's true, he is a resource which can be used cautiously... I stress cautiously... but only if you're emotionally cold enough to do that.
I don't think you are, I don't think it's your nature to be a user without feeling indebted.
But what do I know. :dunce:
That's true, he is a resource which can be used cautiously... I stress cautiously... but only if you're emotionally cold enough to do that.
I don't think you are, I don't think it's your nature to be a user without feeling indebted.
You're right on target ... feeling indebted is part of what gets people hooked into abusive relationships in the first place. I'm not cold enough to be a user (need lessons from un-friend). My ex is being very respectful so far, so I have to keep those boundaries in place. But it's so hard; I've never been so devastated, so vulnerable. I'll have to reread my journals and stay mindful of what brought me to this place originally. Right now, his manner has changed tremendously. But I know, if I were the objective person, I'd be shaking my head.
A complicating factor is that the worst of the abuse was years ago; it settled into more of a neglect/low-grade emotional misery in recent years. I left because I could not get past the damage the abuse had done to me. He was devastated, although he let me go. I know he still cares about me; but the abuse is something I haven't gotten past.
I still have the deal with that damage. I can't just fall back into old patterns. Maintaining boundaries here will be a huge task. At least he isn't urging me to move back 'home', or suggesting I go back on his insurance, or wanting to re-marry me.
Ahhhh, crap.
I heard from un-friend this afternoon. It wasn't exactly an inspiring message - said he hopes this is beatable and semester-sparing etc. - apologized for being incommunicado, said various aspects of his life had been busy/overwhelming. But says he's my - friend - and let's get together soon, talk soon. Says he values our friendship and mutual regard.
I guess this is how he sees our friendship - pick up and drop whenever, and if your friend gets cancer, it doesn't mean you should get in touch if other things in your life are pressing ...
It would've been simpler if he hadn't emailed.
And there's still my ex and his offers of help that I really can't turn down, in cold practical reality ...
I think the universe is laughing at me
... I think the universe is laughing at me
It's just saying "Eh... What's up, doc?"
But it's so hard; I've never been so devastated, so vulnerable.
But you've got us for immoral support now.
I'll have to reread my journals and stay mindful of what brought me to this place originally. Right now, his manner has changed tremendously. But I know, if I were the objective person, I'd be shaking my head.
Which proves your smart enough to know the danger.
A complicating factor is that the worst of the abuse was years ago; it settled into more of a neglect/low-grade emotional misery in recent years.
Do you know how horses are broken?
I left because I could not get past the damage the abuse had done to me. He was devastated, although he let me go. I know he still cares about me; but the abuse is something I haven't gotten past.
I still have the deal with that damage. I can't just fall back into old patterns. Maintaining boundaries here will be a huge task. At least he isn't urging me to move back 'home', or suggesting I go back on his insurance, or wanting to re-marry me.
I suspect he will in time, he's smart enough to take it slowly.
Ahhhh, crap.
I heard from un-friend this afternoon. ~~~ Says he values our friendship and mutual regard.~~~ It would've been simpler if he hadn't emailed.
You're in control, you're the one who decides if he's worth the trouble of making your life more complicated or not.
And there's still my ex and his offers of help that I really can't turn down, in cold practical reality ...
Help is nice. You said he hasn't offered insurance, so it's pick up the cats, go to your appointments because he can make better decisions, and insert himself anywhere he can... respectfully of course.
Well you know what you need, and where you can and can't get it, so you'll have to decide how close you let either of them.
Please be careful, you don't need extra stress right now, and don't forget we're here rooting for you.
Yay Ortho, fuck cancer.
What Bruce said.
All of it.
Double.
i just stumbled across this thread. Sending prayers & good wishes to you. Wish I could say or do more, but I'm one of those guys that feels useless in these situations. I don't know what to say or do.
Orthodoc, your Mr. Wonderful sounds like a Mr. Wonderful I had a few years ago.
He was an egomaniac, a snob, a 'mentor' type who wanted to pull me into his orbit and had a really teeny tiny dick, too.
watch out for those types. Little dick = Big ego.
He would also very subtly put me down. It was so good, so subtle that I thought it was llllllooooooovvvvvve. HA! It was HIM wiping his ego on my face, if you get my drift. Lose him. You'll be happy that you did. In Oscar Wilde's estimation he would be 'tedious' although he thought himself charming. He wasn't - he was a bore. A snobby bore. He used words like 'anon' as in
"I will email you anon" or "lemman" which is olde english for 'darling' but I think it really means 'my darling slut'. How did I stand him for so long? He was smart and pushed all the right Brianna Buttons. People really ARE charming or tedious. In your heart you know which one Mr. Wonderful is.
He would also very subtly put me down.
Not that this was exactly happening here but
some douchebags have apparently worked this out to the level of a studied science.Hee hee! That's where I found out about it!
The Game. Yeahhh .... what a bunch of douchebags, is right. I LOVE that cartoon, Zen!!
And ... Imma let Mr. W. go. I don't need the particular brand of 'friendship' he offers. A 'friend' who doesn't respond for 13 days after being told his friend has cancer ... can go be friends with himself.
Now that my brain seems to be firing on more than one cylinder again ... I have to get to work. Case analysis presentation tomorrow morning and I haven't even started! :eek:
Second panel from the end is my inner self talking to me.
I don't even have to go on dates to be negged :sniff:
I know that voice.
I keep that fucker locked up down in my internal dungeon. He sometimes makes a helluva racket, and he's been known to escape his cell on occasion. I haven't been able to execute him, but after all the trouble he's caused me, he's never going to be paroled. He has a name, it's Fergie.
And ... Imma let Mr. W. go. I don't need the particular brand of 'friendship' he offers. A 'friend' who doesn't respond for 13 days after being told his friend has cancer ... can go be friends with himself.
Wellllllll ..... it
could be ... that W has had a some nasty experiences with cancer himself, maybe lost a friend or relative to it, and was freaked out by the thought of going on that journey again. It took him a while to get his shit together and reconnect.
Maybe.
Or maybe he is just a selfish fair-weather friend and you're right to cut him loose, which does seem more likely.
Or maybe he didn't check his email straight away. Then took a few days to think about how to respond (having been a tad freaked out).
Everyone responds to this stuff differently. Maybe it's not so much a reflection on your friendship as much as a reflection on his attitude to cancer.
the above could be true.
My money says he's a dick. And I KNOW from dick.
Well - given the content of the email he finally sent, which expressed a brief hope that this would be simple and semester-sparing for me, then explained that he'd been incommunicado because of adult kids, work, just SO busy ... and didn't ask how I'm doing ... I don't really think he has traumatic issues with cancer. Just a gut feeling. :right:
I think Bri wins the pot.
....
I must be feeling contrary today. Mischievous. Or, I'm a dick too.
I don't see this as being a dick. Probably we have different definitions of being a dick, and this doesn't match mine. Dick behavior has some malice in it, careless selfishness with some casual, minor meanness. Your description of the email to me says "Whoa, don't want to be involved with you, too much too soon way too much. Oh, look at the time!" kind of wanting to get away, but still has enough manners to reply and (lightly) wish you well and excuse me, I have to go.
The result's the same--you won't be with him, and it's no great loss given his attitude. Sorry for being a dick too. I just don't like to carry around negative thoughts about people like this.
....
I don't see this as being a dick. Probably we have different definitions of being a dick, and this doesn't match mine. Dick behavior has some malice in it, careless selfishness with some casual, minor meanness. Your description of the email to me says "Whoa, don't want to be involved with you, too much too soon way too much. Oh, look at the time!" kind of wanting to get away, but still has enough manners to reply and (lightly) wish you well and excuse me, I have to go.
The result's the same--you won't be with him, and it's no great loss given his attitude. Sorry for being a dick too. I just don't like to carry around negative thoughts about people like this.
Well - fair enough, from what information you have. I have a little more info that tends to make me more irritated about it all, but nevertheless the result's the same, as you say ... he's bowing out. And that's okay. I admit, I'm a little hypersensitive right now.
BigV - Why on earth would you "carry around negative thoughts about people like this" when you don't even know the person? I have no thoughts about this guy - I am responding to his treatment of a woman I know a little bit and like and can relate to.
ffs. I"m here for orthodoc, not some vague, dick-ish sounding "can't spare a moment for a pal" areshole.
so sue me. I'm on HER side.
I yield to you, your greater knowledge and, fuck, it's *your* opinion after all.
I only risked bringing it up to express *my* thought that I don't like carrying around poor opinions of others. It's a "reap what you sow" "living up or down to my expectations" kind of thing with me. Not about your acquaintance. :)
BigV - Why on earth would you "carry around negative thoughts about people like this" when you don't even know the person? I have no thoughts about this guy - I am responding to his treatment of a woman I know a little bit and like and can relate to.
ffs. I"m here for orthodoc, not some vague, dick-ish sounding "can't spare a moment for a pal" areshole.
so sue me. I'm on HER side.
consider yourself sued?
[COLOR="White"]I think our posts crossed, I had to step out for a trip to the store. To answer your question, I do better in my life when I don't carry around, in my head, thoughts, memories, opinions about others (or myself for that matter) that focus on the negative... it's a burden to me. It's a burden I don't need to bear, so I put it down when I can. There are lots of times with lots of people, myself included, when someone makes a dick move. I just try not to give it more weight than it deserves. I try to separate the "sin from the sinner" if you will. The action has come and gone but the person might still be around. I don't want to be ruled by my emotions. I consider them, they guide me, the energize me, but they're notoriously fickle and poor leaders. I try to lead with my head. And my head tells me that people are more than their words and actions. Words and actions matter, OF COURSE. But
In this case, I'd say: "What a dick." And move on. If it were someone else I would have more contact with, I'd [strike]think[/strike]
say: "That was a dick move that one time. Don't be a dick now. I'm looking forward to better this time. I'm glad that's behind us."[/COLOR]
well, i'm certainly glad we got that settled.
your first post sounds a bit ...hostile. i hope it wasn't me that created any umbrage in our
communication. that would fuck up my day - but then again, you yield to my 'greater knowledge' - so, it's all good, right buddy?
Ok. This thread officially goes back to orthodoc.
sorry for the distraction.
Quite right. let's have a return to orthodocsy...
Sorry.
I'll get me coat.
I know that voice.
I keep that fucker locked up down in my internal dungeon. He sometimes makes a helluva racket, and he's been known to escape his cell on occasion. I haven't been able to execute him, but after all the trouble he's caused me, he's never going to be paroled. He has a name, it's Fergie.
That's funny. Because my nickname (used by teachers and everything) was Fergie from second grade until I graduated high school. For reals.
Quite right. let's have a return to orthodocsy...
Sorry.
I'll get me coat.
@Dani - :lol:
Glad to say ... I finally have a date set for surgery! What a relief. I was beginning to think it wasn't going to come together until October - it was like: :banghead:. So, Aug. 27 is the day. I get this thing out and get on with healing and treatment ... about time. Whew.
Excellent news!
Dana, you're on report. Which is an anagram of "err pot", which is what you should stop smoking. :p:
Good to see that you've got things moving along nicely Ortho! Sending you healing vibes and buckets of strength!
27th, great. That means only 11 days of emotional turmoil until you're on the road to recovery. You'll be healing by Labor Day. :thumb:
Excellent news!
Dana, you're on report. Which is an anagram of "err pot", which is what you should stop smoking. :p:
When it runs out. And only then :p
@ Ortho: excellent news chika! You're well on the way to beating this.
....
Or, I'm a dick too.
I don't see this as being a dick.
therein lies the answer.
Well, I have a change of surgery date - Sept 6 now - but I'm okay with it, as it was a date I was prepared to accept before getting the Aug 27 date, and I'll have a plastic surgeon who I REALLY like, who gave me so much more info that it changed my mind as to the type of procedure I want. And I feel confident with her. It also means keeping my care within one overall team, which is better for communication and further testing/treatment.
Feeling more settled, focusing on work again, and beginning to figure out how to work out my treatment schedule with work. My supervisors and academic faculty are being great. And all of you guys - SO great. I'm grateful for your continuing good wishes ... :thankyou:
You're amazing ortho. I'd be a pile of tears and fears.
Best of luck with everything.
It will be over soon and you'll be so glad you went with the doc you really like!
Good for you! :flower:
Having set dates gives you the something to work with. Planning schedules, and juggling obligations, is a lot better than running in circles wondering what's going on. I'm glad you've found doctors you're comfortable with, it makes for a lot less worry. Keep in mind this is going to take some time, but also, we're here for the long term too. :thumb2:
More tartan-wrapped positive vibes heading over your way!
Thank you!! Yes, I can't believe how much clearer my head is now that I have dates and a firm plan. I'm looking forward to my classes this week, getting my stuff read this afternoon, getting binders ready ... school! It's been such a long time ... I know the bloom will fade fast enough, but for the moment I'm enjoying it! And I really like the stuff I'm studying. It's what I would've liked to get into long ago.
So getting all positive here, I'll just take each day and minute as it comes and work on having Zen appreciation ... and I so much appreciate what you said, Bruce, that you guys are here long term. I know this is a marathon. I'll try not to crump in the first mile :) - but it's tremendous comfort knowing there are so many good people here. Just knowing you're here and ready with a kind word or a virtual hug is priceless.
And ... you guys are spot on with your advice, too. Letting the ex get too close ... big mistake, lesson learned, out of control train that has to be derailed. But ... I had a good reality check and have no illusions about possible emotional support without strings. There are strings like steel hawsers. So, going to explore other avenues of support and cut the hawsers asap. Zen appreciation of learning experiences ... :rolleyes:
If you have any doubts, I'm sure there are a number of us here who would be glad to check your breasts and give an opinion. ;)
:lol: Well, apparently on the night before surgery/day of surgery, someone's supposed to draw in marker all over the affected breast to make sure the surgeon operates on the proper side ... my MPH program advisor, who had breast cancer, said she had her friends in to draw pictures all over her breast in multi-colors!! They made a party of it. So that's an idea ... :p:
There are strings like steel hawsers. So, going to explore other avenues of support and cut the hawsers asap. Zen appreciation of learning experiences ... :rolleyes:
Hawsers, eh? A nautical gal!
Either that or a polymath ;)
I did it, I emailed my ex and told him he had to back off and respect the boundaries I've set. Sounds lame, or at least anticlimactic, put like that. But I feel such a lifting of this huge burden, as his hoovering got stronger and stronger and my life seemed to be veering out of my control.
Saw a counselor on the oncology team today who listened for an hour and diagnosed me with PTSD. It's not like I didn't know it already, but ... guess I have the official word now. Whatever, it doesn't change anything. I still wake in the night repeatedly, checking my environment for syringes, paralyzing drugs, pentothal in lethal doses etc. - all the things my ex threatened years ago. He was just being cruel; I know now that it wasn't ever a practical threat. But my body doesn't know that. I still sleep like a prey animal.
Jesus, Ortho. He really did a number on you huh?
Well done for sending the email. Doesn't sound at all lame to me. Sounds confident and capable. Which of course is what you are, PTSD notwithstanding.
He just sent back: ok. So that's that.
I don't know why I feel lousy with guilt. Doesn't make sense. Just a few too many stresses in the past two weeks, I think. Time to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head.
see you in the morning.
ironic turn of phrase identical to the title of UT's breakup thread. He used a word there you might find helpful. "Clarity".
'So that's that' was my phrase ... all he said was, 'ok'.
But it's the same in the end. That's that. Clarity is good. Thanks. :)
Ortho - well done for sending that email. I know how difficult it is to make that step which, out of context, seems tiny, insignificant, hardly worth it, and yet which is the game changer that puts you in control again. I hope you begin to sleep easier now. :thumb:
Wow, what a shit head. Even in this situation he thinks more about himself. He is 'hurt' no doubt. Well, boo fucking hoo.
If he had a set, he'd have said something like 'ok, well, you let me know if you change your mind. You know I'm always here'
But he didn't. because he's a selfish shit and all of this only registers with him as it relates to him.
But he didn't. because he's a selfish shit and all of this only registers with him as it relates to him.
Yes, you're right. It's all about him. Thank you guys for putting the warnings out there so strongly; you were absolutely right. I almost got pulled right back into everything. In future I'll bring my neediness and vulnerability here (kidding - sort of) and avoid both my ex and Mr. W (who got in touch today to make it clear he's annoyed that I would possibly expect anything of him - even though I never said such a thing. What a prince ... :mad:).
Anyway, enough soap opera! Time to crack those books! Oy, I'd forgotten how fast classes take off ...
Ortho, might be an idea to switch off that dickhead radar you've got flashing on top of your head too :P
Where do they fucking come from? My God. he's annoyed with you? How incredibly generous in spirit.
Ortho, might be an idea to switch off that dickhead radar you've got flashing on top of your head too :P
You said it. I'm taking a long, perhaps permanent sabbatical from relationships. Learn a little bit about taking care of myself. I suspect I'll like being single. I've been part of a couple my entire adult life; this will be a new adventure. :)