How does one become okay with being single?
Hi.
As you can see, I am new here.
Umm I guess I'll introduce myself a bit. I'm from a pretty northerly city in Ontario, Canada, but now I live in the Greater Toronto Area. I am a male as my username suggests, and I am straight. I'm not gonna tell you my age, because I don't think doing so would do any good, plus you'll probably be able to narrow it down to within a few years without much difficulty.
Anyway.
Here's my problem: I've been completely and hopelessly single for a little over three years I guess, and I don't dig that. Also I've never actually been in anything that could be called a serious relationship. Officially, my longest relationship lasted two months, and my most intense/involved/meaningful ones (or at least they felt that way) were both long-distance, and based off of online communication.
Some people don't seem to care about finding a significant other, but so far I haven't been able to get myself to be like that. I just have this strong desire to experience a loving romantic relationship, but that desire is profiting me nothing.
So how would I go about becoming content with this single life? It seems like I need to change my emotions, but is that even possible?
I'd say it's neither possible or desirable to change your emotions in this regard. People need people.
What you need to do is figure out what it is that, let's be blunt, is making you unattractive to the opposite sex. It's been my experience that basic God-given looks don't actually play into it much at all. Give yourself an honest assessment: how are your hygiene habits, social skills, conversational tone, basic living conditions? Do you exercise regularly, not just for weight maintenance but for basic health and confidence? There is a difference between a healthy person and an unhealthy person of any weight, and people can sense that.
I've been single for over four years, and the last "relationship" was really just friends with benefits anyway.
I have not had an actual, stable, mixing with friends and family relationship since I split up with my husband in 1998.
You get used to it, because you can't fret about anything for that many years.
Well, except you do and then send yourself fruitloop.
This is the trouble with asking advice (as per Flint's recent insight). People who haven't had a long period of being single won't really understand how you feel or why you can't replicate their success.
But those that have the same experience are obviously making the same mistakes as you, so won't give good advice.
Oh and a slap to anyone who posts "You won't meet anyone until you stop looking."
It's smug and it's untrue.
So there.
It may not be true that you won't stop meeting someone til you stop looking...
But it does help if you aren't desperate.
It's not so much about becoming comfortable with singledom forever. It's more about becomng comfortable with singledom right now. Whether you're with someone or not, it is good thing to be comfortable in your own skin and with the life you are leading. It's finding that balance between wanting and looking for a partner, whilst also being comfortable with singledom whilst you are looking.
Not sure what your answer is really. And in truth I'm the wrong person to try. I made a conscious decision after I split from my ex-partner and stuck to that for about 5 years. Then fell head over heels for a friend/colleague and after carrying a torch for a couple of years ended up getting together with him. It lasted about 3 months. I realised during that three months that much as there are aspects of relationships that i enjoy, I am at heart a singleton. I like my independence. I like being entirely responsible for my own peace of mind and my own happiness. Don;t want to be responsible for anyone else's...don;t want anybody else feeling like they carry any responsibility for mine.
I do know that I seemed to become suddenly very attractive to guys when I made a decision in my own mind that i wanted to be single. Never had so many offers as when I'd decided I wanted no part of it all :p
"People need other people" - ?
WTF?
Hell is other people. I like being alone.
♪ "People who eat people are the hungriest people in the world..." ♫
Seriousl Moon. I've been there and it suck and it feels like forever. If where you are has a shortage of eligible bachelorettes then you need to move to where the womens are. (paraphrasing Sam Kinison below)
IF you really want to see the benefit of being single all you have to do is talk to some cops who go out on a lot of domestic abuse calls. Or talk to lawyers who handle bitter and acrimonious divorce cases, or hang out with couples who are a few weeks away from getting a divorce. IF you really want to KNOW the benefit of being single than you need to be in a long, drawn out nightmare of a relationship.
I'd say, the best thing to do is to get your mind off of it and really engage your life and let the relationship thing take its course.
[YOUTUBE]VKNoJ2BzSRU&start=60s[/YOUTUBE]
I gave relationships up. Srsly. I went right about 12 years with nothing. No female friends, no one night stands, no pussy, no nothing. Wasn't real hard for me, cause I'd remember why I did this, and I'd get pissed off all over again. But then Baby called me up one night...:D
My advice to you Mr. Moons, is this:
Use the other hand occasionally, to keep from getting all lopsided.:jagoff:
"People need other people" - ?
WTF?
Hell is other people. I like being alone.
But you like us. You just like people on your own terms, as do most of us. :)
But you like us. You just like people on your own terms, as do most of us. :)
well, you've got me there. I do like some people on my terms. Which is immature and not very evolved of me and AA says to beat the disease you must learn to live life
on life's terms which I don't want to do, but there it is. I do like a lot of the people here in the cellar but I can come and go as I wish and ignore those I don't want to mess around with. Flesh-and-blood people are always wanting something or needing something or just stopping by to check up on you or whatever and that is exhausting. People exhaust me. i wonder why that is. I used to like being around people, even helping them ffs.
I used up all my good, friendly mojo in my twenties and thirties.
I'm a misanthropic crone!
*cackles as I fly away on my broom*
Since being on medication and getting a job I enjoy, i have realised I do quite like being among other people.
And I've lowered my tolerance levels quite naturally, as I'm working with people much better educated than me. That usually only comes with long term forced contact, as in my Leicester friend Tezza, who had a heart of gold but shockingly naive beliefs and every other sentance contained an imaginary word or a malapropism. I ended up going to tea with her every Saturday night before I became too ill to do so.
When I moved back home I believed myself to be genuinely unlikeable.
I said so to my counsellors and they told me - sincerely - that they were sure this was not true.
But of course I knew me and knew that it was.
Since then I've started to like me a little more, but am still quite baffled to find some people I like just don't warm to me. In real life. Sometimes I feel a bit like Tiger - trying to say something when everyone else is over it, or that any subject I introduce is ignored because I said it. Mostly this is paranoia and I find if I relax and get over it then people are friendly afterwards, as if nothing has happened. Because of course it hasn't.
I do try, and in some situations and with many people I can be accepted.
But even in those, I know I am appreciated for my positive qualities and my negative ones are simply passed over.
In the majority I am not amusing or endearing.
And in the minority I may as well have leprosy.
Dana & Limey can confirm my poor social skills, so it's not self-flagellation.
Oh wait, was I supposed to be asking why I was single? ;)
Dana & Limey can confirm my poor social skills
D & L, what did she do? Did she squeeze your boobs in public? Reach down her backside and smell her fingers afterwards? Did she make you desperately uncomfortable by pointing out your worst faults? Did she retreat within herself and not say a single word the entire night?
... If where you are has a shortage of eligible bachelorettes then you need to move to where the womens are. ...
If mr. moons wants to meet more nice girls, he needs to spend more time in the libraries. I saw it on BBC television.
Oh Sundae, honey. You have a few hangups and oddities (I have a collection of my own as you know) but 'poor social skills'? that's utter bollocks.
I don't know, maybe you were dying inside with every word you uttered to the Hotel owner, or every time you placed an order at the bar, but if you were then it was well-hidden.
I can verify that Sundae has excellent social skills when it comes to phone conversations. This is a thesis that has been peer-reviewed by a second member of this household, remember.
I have, I think, excellent social skills. But... my ability to employ those skills effectively in any given situation is highly variable. Sometimes I'm able to interact comfortably and confidently with anybody. Other times, the things I think I'm about to say get stuck on the way out and I gargle something approaching a greeting or witticism and add it to the giant inner facepalm I'm building in my quiet moments.
I have excellent social skills. I'm engaging, pleasant, and funny. People like me. It may shock you to hear that I'm confident bordering on cocky, too. Some of you might say that I'm cocky bordering on arrogant, but that's just my written persona. I'm slightly less lumberjimish in person. slightly.
I'm also single.
I COULD get a(nother) girlfriend, I'm sure. I could commit to a long term relationship. I can get along with just about anyone. At this point in my life, however, I don't think my Life Situation is very good, so I'm opting for solitary. (I'm really just a big pile of baggage right now)
Once I get my situation settled, I'll begin to entertain the idea of partnering up again, but for now, I'm actually starting to enjoy having time to myself every once in a while. I had some good advice from a friend I respect. She said that she wouldn't date me because I am not emotionally available. She's right. She went through what I'm going through, and knows what she's on about.
but it sounds like you don't WANT to be single, moon. So take clod's advice, and fix what's preventing you from finding a mate.
Trust me, there's someone for everyone out there.
Jim, maybe you feel like a big pile of baggage, but really, it's just about learning to get your baggage to be less conspicuous. We all have it, and when you can learn to forget it's there I guess is when you start to say you have less, but we're all lying when we say that. That's just a little tip from me. ;)
Mr moon, get out there and get into it. Join a website that advertises sex over love. That's where I found my husband. We weren't expecting anything but the most base human connection, but in the end, we found a life partner in each other. There's another tip from me. ;)
(1) Browse internet sites for relationship advice. Look at all the people with effed up relationships. Count yourself lucky you're not one of them.
(2) Get a dog.
How does one become okay with being single?
You start out single and you leave this planet single. Seems the natural thing to do.
Yeah, maybe I shouldn't be giving advice right now. lol
Things are a bit better today for us though. At least I don't feel like doing murder today. :)
(1) Browse internet sites for relationship advice. Look at all the people with effed up relationships. Count yourself lucky you're not one of them.
(2) Get a dog.
Wise, you are.
Esp. get the dog. :apaw: is a wonderful thing.
God knows your dog knows.
God knows your dog knows.
My dog is my god.
My cats are my pals. I think I have gotten too old and mean to be in a relationship. I have a close male friend, and that's it. Maybe if I moved out of this rural back water, I'd meet someone. I dunno.
I can live without a partner no problem. Can't live without a dog though :P
I think friends with benefits sounds like the way to go. We didn't have that when I was younger. Guilt was still very much in vogue then.
Dana & Limey can confirm my poor social skills
Did she retreat within herself and not say a single word the entire night?
Actually I zoned out in quite a few conversations. NOT out of boredom, just in order to consult with myself a while.
Oh Sundae, honey. You have a few hangups and oddities (I have a collection of my own as you know) but 'poor social skills'? that's utter bollocks.
I don't know, maybe you were dying inside with every word you uttered to the Hotel owner, or every time you placed an order at the bar, but if you were then it was well-hidden.
I can always talk to people in a defined role. Because then I am playing a part myself. On the field with the children I am happy and patient. In the staffroom at break I usually just smile and nod and wonder how 15 minutes feels so long.
I can verify that Sundae has excellent social skills when it comes to phone conversations. This is a thesis that has been peer-reviewed by a second member of this household, remember.
Again, short phone convos I can manage. When I say sometimes I feel like Tiger I am not suggesting for a moment I have real communication difficulties. Just that many times I think either conversations have been too short and I've been too abrupt. Or that they've gone on for far too long and I've run out of things to say. Or (frankly) I'm just tired of them and want to go.
This hasn't happened with a Cellar member. But yes, a little part of me fears meeting Dwellars in real life knowing I can't just log out. I felt I was really lucky with the two UK Dwellars I met in Jan. Hence our repeat meet up this December.
... just in order to consult with myself a while.
Would have liked to had been a fly on the wall for that conversation...
Actually I zoned out in quite a few conversations. NOT out of boredom, just in order to consult with myself a while.
I can always talk to people in a defined role. Because then I am playing a part myself. On the field with the children I am happy and patient. In the staffroom at break I usually just smile and nod and wonder how 15 minutes feels so long.
Again, short phone convos I can manage. When I say sometimes I feel like Tiger I am not suggesting for a moment I have real communication difficulties. Just that many times I think either conversations have been too short and I've been too abrupt. Or that they've gone on for far too long and I've run out of things to say. Or (frankly) I'm just tired of them and want to go.
This hasn't happened with a Cellar member. But yes, a little part of me fears meeting Dwellars in real life knowing I can't just log out. I felt I was really lucky with the two UK Dwellars I met in Jan. Hence our repeat meet up this December.
I'm exactly the same. Like Bri (was it Bri?) was saying, I find people exhausting. And like you, I can manage fine if I have a defined role. But to spend long stretches of time with? There's a very small number of people I can do that with comfortably.
I find people a little overwhelming face to face sometimes. In a group I will often find myself smiling along without actually knowing what's just been said. Or the things I do say feel/seem clumsy, or nerdy (:p), which is ok with my closests because they (incl. you) are on a similar wavelength. But with others I feel like an alien who's just arrived on someone else's planet.
On a bad day. On a good day I can command a room. On a bad day I'm likely to trip over a chair and slam my knee on the way into the room and attempts at off the cuff comments flounder as my voice comes out a croak, or I mangle a word. On a really bad day.
On a normal day, neither here nor there. I'll do absolutely fine at the time, but often by the timei'm halfway home from the meeting, or the class, or the party, I've managed to conduct a post mortem on my interaction that leaves me dying of embarrassment and I have to forcibly stop myself going back over it ad infinitum.
It's not because I live alone though. I don't think. I'm pretty sure I've always been this way. I've maybe got a little worse about it in some ways. But at the same time, it's since I've lived alone that I've chosen a life that puts me in regular contact with new people (through uni and council). So, I've got better at dealing with my own internal responses to socialising. I've got used to that sinking feeling that accompanies remembering. I'll come back from somewhere buzzed up, but it generally starts to twist as specific things come to mind. Stupid stuff. Was I laughing too raucously? Did I come across as humourless? Why did I say that? Why didn't I say that?
Blah, blah.
Um, people.... this is normal imo.... Almost everybody has awkward moments when they don't know how to end/continue an interaction but kinda know (sometimes after the fact) that it's headed in the wrong direction. Don't they? this social thing ain't easy.
(It's only sad when you carry this lack of skill onto the interwebs ;) )
Precisely my point monster. Sundae may feel she's unusually inept in social situations, but that's not what anyone else is seeing. And that feeling is something most of us experience to lesser or greater degrees.
Hmm...so how would it be possible for a person to be lacking in social skills and have it on the internet?
Hmm...so how would it be possible for a person to be lacking in social skills and have it on the internet?
because one has time to digest before reacting. One is not "on the spot"
Precisely my point monster. Sundae may feel she's unusually inept in social situations, but that's not what anyone else is seeing. And that feeling is something most of us experience to lesser or greater degrees.
yup. I still get the word economy bonus, though.... ;)
because one has time to digest before reacting. One is not "on the spot"
...it's the real time thing that fucks most people. So many times you think "I shoulda said...." on the Interwebs, you can "make it so".
Perhaps I'm a rather sad puppy because I feel that I'm lacking social skills on the net also. But you are right, I'm much worse in person. :neutral: At least on here, there's a chance for me to hold my tongue, so to speak. I sometimes regret after I've pressed the submit reply and it was too late to delete or edit my post. Oh well...
....and who doesn't?
you come across fine to me...
although you need to stop smoking and move into a place of your own ;)
....yes, just teasing. :p:
me single. again. broke up with jess again on thursday. 2nd time. well first was mutual but i was reminded of why the second time. she's way too moody. seems that she's upset with me for whatever reason than happy so i broke it off. her being unhappy made me unhappy so i figured what's the point? if me being me pisses you off then why even try to pretend the relationship will work? when things were good things were good but just like texas weather...wait a minute...if you don't like it it will change soon. meh. i dunno. she's a great person. we just don't mix. we're meeting up later this week to talk about it but i don't think it will do any good. we'll prolly make up and try it again for a month or so but it wont last. i like being with her don't get me wrong but when i do something like hang an unexpected u-turn to park to grab a picture of a sunset don't get mad cuz i didn't say hang on. yeah. the pic in the other thread? she got mad cuz i did just that. when we got home she said bye and left.
lola hunny? you're good. quit bashing yourself.
I don't know about my social skills. I used to think I had none until I witnessed a lot of folks much worse off.
I do know that I'm pretty well beyond caring about meeting others' social expectations in most situations. I'm just my variable self. Seems to charm the hell out of most people, which is awkward since I can't stand to be more intimate than a distant acquaintance with most people.
Yeah. I know I sound like a douche here. Whatever. It's the way I feel in my current hypomanic state, so it might be pretty far from reality.
I'm okay. You're okay. You're probably wrong if you think otherwise, and that's okay.
alright okay and that's okay with me!
I think most people have confident, smooth days, and also awkwrd, ground-swallow-me-up-wtf-did-I-say-that? days. The trick is recognising that other people cannot see your internal world. What happens inside your head doesn't necessarily show on the outside. Which is a fabulous lesson to learn if you intend to do any public speaking. What may well feel like a massive show of nerves and stumbling, often only presents to others as a slight stilt in the words, and a momentary pause for thought.
Back to the OP though: I think the big difficulty here is that he hasn;t experienced a serious long-term relationship. It's much easier to come to conclusions about what you want and what will make you happy if you have some frame of reference. And the thing we think we want can take on epic proportions if we never have a chance to demystify it by experiencing it.
D & L, what did she do? Did she squeeze your boobs in public? Reach down her backside and smell her fingers afterwards? Did she make you desperately uncomfortable by pointing out your worst faults? Did she retreat within herself and not say a single word the entire night?
No. She was charming, and smily. and lovely to be around. It was a true pleasure to meet her and I'm looking forward to the next encounter. And she was equally "socially skilled" with all the other people we met (shop-keepers, enamoured drunks etc).
It may not be true that you won't stop meeting someone til you stop looking...
But it does help if you aren't desperate.
It's not so much about becoming comfortable with singledom forever. It's more about becomng comfortable with singledom right now. ...
I think the big difficulty here is that he hasn;t experienced a serious long-term relationship. It's much easier to come to conclusions about what you want and what will make you happy if you have some frame of reference.
I see an equally large difficulty with his playing field being full of people who have learned, directly or indirectly, to avoid those who are looking for someone who will *
make me happy*. Knowledgeable people seek someone who has found other ways to be happy, not just comfortable, with whom a relationship would enhance their mutual happiness rather than someone who needs a partner to be happy. The latter situation yields lower stability as even life's routine separations, physical and emotional, can cause such a relationship to spiral downward when one person takes the basic happiness of the other with them.
To peak other's interest, mr.moons can take stock of what's already making him happy and, starting with the most common, pursue those in social settings even if he has to redirect himself from solitary pursuits (e.g. collectors can join clubs). The more often he can present himself as an intrinsically happy person who's available; but, not needy (let alone desperate), the better his chances of making a healthy long term connection.
It might also help Mr.Moon if he remain engaged in any conversations he started ... jus' sayin' ....
... I just have this strong desire to experience a loving romantic relationship, but that desire is profiting me nothing.
Maybe he was just trying to drum up some business; but, didn't get any takers:
I'm just a gigolo and everywhere I go
People know the part, I'm playin'
Paid for every dance, sellin' each romance
Ooh, what they're sayin'
It might also help Mr.Moon if he remain engaged in any conversations he started ... jus' sayin' ....
I've been following what all of you have been saying, but I haven't really read anything that I've felt the need to reply to until now.
Does it sound to you guys like I'm looking for someone to make me happy? Perhaps I am. I am a relatively happy person, but I feel like I would be more happy if I had a partner in crime. I don't think people are supposed to be alone.
Of all the subjects covered by the Cellar's various forums and of all the sub-topics covered by threads within each forum, you started out here not by posting a reply to anyone else's interests; but, by starting a thread about you feeling alone. If that doesn't say "needy" it's because it SCREAMS "needy" ... actions speak louder than words ... first impressions and all that. Yes, you present as looking for someone to make you happy and being unable to maintain that threshold on your own. With an entrance like that, I hope you didn't come here looking for potential IRL companionship. Coming for advice is good.
I've been following what all of you have been saying, but I haven't really read anything that I've felt the need to reply to until now.
Does it sound to you guys like I'm looking for someone to make me happy? Perhaps I am. I am a relatively happy person, but I feel like I would be more happy if I had a partner in crime. I don't think people are supposed to be alone.
Thank you for your reply, mr.moons. I think there's a lot of good advice and suggestions here. I hope they help you.
I must second limey's remarks mr.moons. Unless you've been lurking for years, you've no idea how rich and pure the vein of sincere wisdom you've tapped into with this thread. Very smart, very compassionate, very articulate people have offered their insight here. And so have I. You mightn't have thought any reply was needed, but I do hope you find success and happiness. The words here are good guides for that quest.
Of all the subjects covered by the Cellar's various forums and of all the sub-topics covered by threads within each forum, you started out here not by posting a reply to anyone else's interests; but, by starting a thread about you feeling alone. If that doesn't say "needy" it's because it SCREAMS "needy" ... actions speak louder than words ... first impressions and all that. Yes, you present as looking for someone to make you happy and being unable to maintain that threshold on your own. With an entrance like that, I hope you didn't come here looking for potential IRL companionship. Coming for advice is good.
I appreciate the honesty.
I did come here looking for advice, not a partner, so no worries (I hope).
So let's assume I am as needy as I appear. Does that mean I'm unfit to have a girlfriend and I shouldn't try to get one until I somehow figure out how to be un-needy?
I apologize if that sounds bitter, I guess I am a bit bitter about things, but I do wanna figure all this out.
It is hard to give broad advice, so let's follow Clobfobble's lead. Answer the following questions and hopefully it help with better advice:
1) Do you see yourself as a confident? If in certain areas and not others, specify. Quickly, how do you think others would describe you.
2) Quickly describe your life. What do you do for a job, what do you do in your free time?
3) What are your ambitions? What are you doing to improve yourself?
3) What would you like to do (in terms of hobbies, self-improvement, ambitions, etc)? Why are you not doing this?
4) How often do you meet women? In what setting? Do you feel like you connect with them, if not, why? What do you do to meet women?
5) Describe the the relationships of the people around you. Are they married, in serious relationships, single?
6) You answered this but do you consider yourself happy? Do you think a relationship will make you happy?
7) Why should a woman want to date you?
Does that mean I'm unfit to have a girlfriend(?)
"Unfit" is an interesting word choice. Would you say that you feel you
deserve a girlfriend? Because that in itself is a backwards and self-defeating way of thinking about other people. It verges close on the idea that an individual woman, or women in general, owe you something.
Is there a particular woman in your life whom you are interested in? Because if the answer is that you would be interested in pretty much anyone, then you're not going to be offering much in return to a hypothetical girlfriend--the vibe you'll be giving off (and women are very good at picking up on this kind of attitude) is that she is not special, that you will only see her as "my girlfriend" and not "Susan" or whoever. It doesn't even matter if you would lavish her with gifts and attention in her role as your girlfriend, if you would do it for anyone then she'll know she's got no real connection from you.
It is hard to give broad advice, so let's follow Clobfobble's lead. Answer the following questions and hopefully it help with better advice:
1) Do you see yourself as a confident? Do you have spinach on your teeth?
[thread-drift]Monster, that is a great song[/thread-drift]
Sorry I've not been replying. I have some stuff going on and most of my spare thinking time is being spent on that.
Posting on the Cellar is better than thinking!
It's like thinking one-hundred-fold.
(well one-thousand-fold, but 85% of them are management and 5% are just plain nuts.....)
Alright.
It has come to my attention that (some) ladies dig me, and most of my problem is that I don't really get out and talk to people enough, generally.
Also I think it's safe to say that I'm unusual in a lot of ways, which inherently means that only a select few people will express interest in me, but that's alright.
I hope this post doesn't sound cocky...
some chicks dig cocky, bro
You gotta answer some of PH45's questions.
some chicks dig cock[COLOR="Silver"]y[/COLOR], bro
FTFY
1) Do you see yourself as a confident? If in certain areas and not others, specify. Quickly, how do you think others would describe you.
I think I'm semi-confident. I'm confident when I'm alone, and sometimes when I'm with groups of people. I know I'm pretty smart, and there are a lot of things I'm able to do fairly well. I'm not so confident in most social situations though.
I think others would describe me as nice, laid back, a bit odd, pretty cheery, pretty enjoyable to be around, awkward when I'm first getting to know someone, fairly funny, passionately opinionated, etc.
2) Quickly describe your life. What do you do for a job, what do you do in your free time?
I live at home with my parents right now. I graduated from a two-year college program that I took because I had no idea what I was doing. The associate's degree I got is basically useless. Now I have a bunch of debt I have to pay off. I just got a part-time job at a grocery store, and I'm hoping to find more work so I can have enough income to live on my own and also chip away at my hunk of debt.
Mostly what I do in my spare time is chill in front of my computer, browsing the interwebs and instant messaging friends, and I also longboard quite a bit. Oh and I hang out with friends sometimes as well.
3) What are your ambitions? What are you doing to improve yourself?
I mostly want to be self-supporting, and happy of course. Not that I'm really unhappy right now. I just think I would be happier if I was on my own, working, and not spending much time with my parents. Oh, I want to be better with social situations as well. To improve myself I guess I'm working/looking for work, and going out to social functions with my friend(s) a little bit.
4) What would you like to do (in terms of hobbies, self-improvement, ambitions, etc)? Why are you not doing this?
Well, I would like to find a girlfriend...
I would like to move into my own apartment.
I'd like to go to a physiotherapist and get my wrist fixed up so I can longboard the way I used to be able to.
I'd like to see a therapist on a regular basis. I think it would be good for me. I believe I have a number of personal issues that I could use some help with (my shyness being one of those).
I'd like to build my own car at some point in my life.
Most of those things I'm not doing because I'm broke, and I guess laziness plays a part as well. I'd like to think that working at this job is helping me get closer to a lot of them though.
Also, I like to take my time at things.
5) How often do you meet women? In what setting? Do you feel like you connect with them, if not, why? What do you do to meet women?
I don't really meet women that often. The other weekend I went to a party and met a girl there, and connected with her a bit, but that was out of the ordinary for me, and I was high. Mostly I meet women at longboarding functions actually. If I can work up the courage to talk to a girl, and if she's pretty outgoing so it doesn't get too awkward, I feel like I connect pretty decently. If the girl is shy though, it's not so good because that's two shy people trying to find stuff to talk about and it's uncomfortable and just crappy.
I've also got accounts on okcupid and plentyoffish, but I've not met many people from there in person, which is for the best, I think.
6) Describe the the relationships of the people around you. Are they married, in serious relationships, single?
Most of my friends that actually live nearby are single. I have a ton of American friends who are Church of Christ Christians though, and it seems like they're all in serious relationships and/or engaged, or married.
7) You answered this but do you consider yourself happy? Do you think a relationship will make you happy?
I think I'm relatively happy. And yes, I feel like a relationship would make me happier. I don't see how a good relationship could NOT make a person happier. And sure, maybe if I got into a relationship it wouldn't be so good, but at least I would have a chance to work on my relationship skills (I haven't had much opportunity to do that in the past).
8) Why should a woman want to date you?
I'm not totally sure I get this question. The words "should" and "want" are not meant to be used together, if you ask me. I'm assuming this is a "What do you have to offer?" kind of question, so I will answer it as if it is.
I'm kind, thoughtful, kinda funny, I'm a good listener and I'm pretty good at helping people with their problems, I have a pretty relaxed attitude in general and I think people find that refreshing/calming, I have a decent head on my shoulders, and I dunno, if a girl likes me and has a lot in common with me, why shouldn't she date me?
And Clodfobble, I don't know if I feel I deserve a girlfriend. I suppose I don't really see any reason why I shouldn't be able to get into a relationship with someone, once a good match comes along?
And yeah, I guess there is a particular woman that I'm interested in, but it's ...complicated. I definitely wouldn't be willing to date just anyone. I know what I'm looking for, more or less.
So you have a shitload of debt, you live with your parents, you don't have a full time job, you party and you get high.
Nothng wrong with that at a certain point in your life. But that isn't going to be the same point as the one where you enter a stable relationship.
Those are kind of the elephants in the room, right there. Not all of them are bad things, but as a happy meal combo..... runaway!
If you are ready to move on from the single life, then you need to move on from the student days. And move out of home! It's not necessarily time to give up on being part of a relationship yet, unless you don't plan to move on from this point and actively work towards it.
You sound like you are 17ish and still in HS. If so, fine.
If not, time to grow up - the girls already have.
So you have a shitload of debt, you live with your parents, you don't have a full time job, you party and you get high.
I don't feel like that's a totally fair assessment. I don't really have a shitload of debt. It's over $10,000 but it's manageable. And I'm not the partying type, or at least I have not been. That party is one of the only ones I've ever been to.
That being said, I hear what you're saying.
Here is few things I noticed. I apologize in advance for the choppy and most likely incomplete or overly repetitive thoughts.
And yes, I feel like a relationship would make me happier. I don't see how a good relationship could NOT make a person happier.
I want to start here since this is something fundamental that I disagree with. It's not that it can't be true, but that I feel it is a misguided approach. From watching my friends get into relationships I've noticed one big trend: happy single people tend to get into healthy relationships and unhappy single people tend to get into dysfunctional relationships. My theory for this is that happy people are secure with their single life and don't feel they need to get into a relationship, but get into one because they want too. Unhappy people on the other hand are usually insecure with their single life and look for other people to fill the gap. This usually leads to dependency and relationships built on raw emotion instead of some healthy common ground. Then these people go back to being unhappy because what they need is not another person, but some security with one's self.
Here is one of my favorite quotes when it comes to relationships:
If meeting, dating or relating with women, and the improvement of this area in life, is your NUMBER 1 priority you are already screwed
I understand this advice probably isn't what you want to hear but I feel (keep in mind I don't know you and I'm just applying other experiences to what i know from your few posts) you probably should focus on your own life, in a productive way, for a while. Maybe a relationship would be helpful, it would be good for you to get into one to practice social skills, but, as Monster pointed out, there are some pink elephants in the room that you need to work on first.
While everyone is different and everyone responds to different things, I am a firm believer that overall happiness comes from security with one's self. Think Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs as a reference. You need to find out who you want to be and what you want to do with your life.
I'm kind, thoughtful, kinda funny, I'm a good listener and I'm pretty good at helping people with their problems, I have a pretty relaxed attitude in general and I think people find that refreshing/calming, I have a decent head on my shoulders, and I dunno, if a girl likes me and has a lot in common with me, why shouldn't she date me?
I'm going to be harsh here so take this as constructive and not as a personal attack. I can actually relate with your situation so hopefully this has some perspective.
Ok, so you have a decent personality. It seems like you feel a girl should settle for you and not actually go after you. You are the type of guy that people can stand and get along with, but probably not the guy that people envy to be.
From what you said, your life seems pretty uneventful. You live with your parents, you have no idea what you want to do with your life, you aren't self-sufficient, you have very few if any hobbies, you aren't doing much to improve yourself, and you aren't that confident in social situations (which probably means you aren't a blast to be around). I realize I am just focusing on the negatives but this is at least a perspective you should keep in mind, but not dwell too much on since that would be counterproductive.
My advice, beside the entire job thing, is to start trying new things. Find a few things that interest you and start setting some small reasonable goals for yourself. Here is a quick list of suggestions:
*Learn how to cook a new meal (start small if you don't know how to cook) (there is nothing better than eating a good meal that you made yourself, plus girls love it as well)
*Join a race (start with a 5K then move up) (this will inspire you to work out, which builds confidence and makes you physically look better)
*Volunteer (besides helping others, you can meet new people)
*Learn an instrument (you don't have to be great but its relaxing to play your own music)
*etc
It can be very difficult to start, but if things go well it should snowball. The overall goal here is to start building confidence and sense of self-worth. Once that improves, your attractiveness to women should improve as well.
I'll second that advice to volunteer. It's a fabulous way of getting to meet people. And if you can find something to volunteer for that hits your own buttons and is something you feel passionately about (I volunteered as a literacy coach for a while, my Mum volunteered working with refugees and asylum seekers, and now volunteers at a community radio station) then you will meet people who share some of your passions/interests.
If social settings are more difficult for you then try and find something that means you have to interact and engage with people. Socialising, like anything, is easier for some than for others. And like any skillset that doesn't always come naturally, you'll find it gets easier with practice.
It also looks very good on the old resume.
As to people picking up on the fact that you live with your parents and have debt: if this is enough to stop people pairing up then there are going to be a lot of people staying single long-term. The financial crisis and the collapse of the housing market means more and more adults are returning to the family home having been independant, or are never getting out in the first place.
Not all women will run a mile from this. Some of them are in the same situation you're in. The extent to which it will be held against you depends on a fair few factors, including your age.
Pierce and Dana have some very good comments here. They are suggesting great ways of widening your horizons. Let us know how you get on.
I don't feel like that's a totally fair assessment. I don't really have a shitload of debt. It's over $10,000 but it's manageable. And I'm not the partying type, or at least I have not been. That party is one of the only ones I've ever been to.
That being said, I hear what you're saying.
Yeah, sorry for the shock-tactic tone, but it sometimes takes a sledgehammer to make a hole big enough for that elephant. But that IS a lot of debt. Unless you're earning 100K. Which you're not. We clearly have different ideas of maneagable. How much are you able to pay back each month on your current salary? How long is it going to take you to pay it back? Who in their right mind is going to be looking at a future with someone with that much debt and it not working hard towards paying it off? And the fact that you don't see it as that big of a deal is also telling. And I think Dana is not totally right. If you have debt but you're actively working to deal with it then yes, I think people can get over it, but otherwise that's a huge turn-off. Don't forget she's a hopeless commie who'd rather do away with all money and have the state control everything and make it all nice and equal ;) :p:
And PH45 has some VERY sound advice about hobbies and interests.
Get some confidence, get a job, get your own place -or at least a realistically financialy viable plan to do so, then worry about a long term relationship.
Good luck.
Don't forget she's a hopeless commie who'd rather do away with all money and have the state control everything and make it all nice and equal ;) :p:
.
Would I get to keep my iphone, though?
Debt can be a turn off, sure. But it depends on what the debt is. If that 10k is from college loans, I can't see anybody holding that against him, regardless of how much importance he places on paying it back. If the debt is from a wild bender of techno joy that got out of hand, then not prioritizing payback might be more off-putting.
The wimmenfolk love guys who have something going on. Something you truly like and are into. It doesn't much matter what it is. If it's a money-making thing that's excellent, but if it's a hobby or some other focused activity that you can talk about, that works too.
As far as our two above money-grubbers, who claim they hate capitalism but announce that debt is nothing less than a turn-off -- actually sexualizing your net worth! -- you don't want somebody like them. You don't have to talk money at all. You're not looking to get married here; really, it's not time to think that way. In order for you to have a healthy marriage it is good for you to run through several relationships in your 20s to figure out which of the women are good fodder for the long term. (Some of them are secretly terrible for you. You need to learn the signs of this.) As long as you can handle your side of the dinner at Applebees you should be good to go. (Include $2 of overtipping in your dinner plan. It's the cheapest way to impress her, and the cheapest way to be a decent human being.)
<snip> As far as our two above money-grubbers, <snip>
I bet we won't see those two together in one descriptive posting again !
I never said debt was a turn off to me. I just conceded the point that some might find debt a turnoff, whilst offering up a caveat about different kinds of debt.
Personally, couldn't give a flying fuck about it and never have.
But if the quest is for a serious long-term relationship then it's worth thinking about what the other partner might be looking from such a relationship. Stability may well be something many potential partners are looking for, and debt that isn't being dealt with could potentially make someone look less of a stable option.
:D this yank is yankin' yer chain :D
Damn, that's why I'm single.
No money, no house and no ambition.
Still, I'm not on benefits, not in £5k debt, love my job and had an interview today.
So things are a lot better than they have been :)
$10,000 in student loan debt is minimal.
College seniors who graduated in 2009 carried an average of $24000 in student loan debt.
...
And PH45 has some VERY sound advice about hobbies and interests.
I thought you said
hobos.
I don't think $10k debt is that much, but then, our mortgage is pretty high. If it were only 10k we'd be pretty happy.
Fucking deliriously so in fact. :)
[YOUTUBE]AHo2pXO_XAI[/YOUTUBE]
just see how sexually attractive these rich people are! :)
Eh...get comfortable being with yourself, in your own skin, doing your own thing...and then someone else might find you interesting enough to want to get involved with you.
In other words, stop looking for a partner to make you happy and start enjoying the life you have.
And Classic...that montage is just cooooold.
He's done a good job making those signs.
By the trees and traffic, I think that is in Australia.
Yes, but then he had to live with her for six more days. I bet that was fun.
One becomes ok with being single by first getting married.
One becomes ok with being single by first getting married.
ouch. fucking ouch.
How does one become okay with being single?
Get out of debt, then enjoy how easy it is to stay there.
Get out of debt, then enjoy how easy it is to stay there.
:lol2:
Reminds of that old clip from The Tonight Show where a little boy asks Johnny to do magic tricks. Johnny makes a coin disappear behind the kid's ear then the coin reappears. The little boy asks Johnny "how do you make it REALLY disappear?" and Johnny replies "Get married."
Classic, those signs rock. I am so stealing that.
Ack! Another Cellar divorce.
I've decided Im Ally McBeal, but with bigger tits and arse.
I love falling in love, but I dont know how to be comfortable and stable when the new and shiny wears off.
Plus, I am huge big tarty flirt, I cant turn that off and when Im being tarty and flirty, I have to put out - thats not good for a relationship.
So, friends with benefits works with me, I just want a guy who I can treat as a boyfriend when I want to treat him as a boyfriend, or just have sex with and not want to be in my space all the time and be demanding.
I rock at long distance relationships, dirty pictures and text that results in sex every other weekend :)