Tasteless Jokes
:) One long joke per post, or multiple short ones...
A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"
His father says, "No...how old?"
He says, "I'm eleven!"
He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"
She says, "Come closer..."
She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.
She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."
He says, "How could you tell?"
She says, "I heard you tell your father."
Unfortunately, all (or at least a majority) of the tasteless jokes are extremely offensive.
People don't need to read 'em if they don't want to be offended.
Post away.
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
What did the black kid get for Christmas?
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
If you see a black man riding south on a bike, take the bike. It's probably yours.
If you see a black man riding north on a bike, take the black man. He's probably yours.
What do you do when you wake up in the middle of the night to see your television set floating in mid air?
Say, "drop it, negro."
I'm not racist, but I sure hear my fair share of racist jokes.
How does every racist joke begin/end?
"I'm not racist, but..."
Q: How do you keep a dog from humping your leg?
A: Suck its dick.
Q: How do you stop a gang rape?
A: Throw in a basketball.
Q: How do you start a Jewish parade?
A: Roll a penny down the street.
Q: How do you confuse a Polock?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to piss in a corner.
Q: How can you tell if your roommate's gay?
A: His dick tastes like shit.
Another take on Kutz's joke:
Q: What do you do when you see a bike riding itself?
A: Yell "Smile, nigger!"
Q: What's red and has seven dents in it?
A: Snow White's cherry
Q: What's green and smells like pork?
A: Kermit the Frog's finger
Originally posted by blowmeetheclown
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
What did the black kid get for Christmas?
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
My bike.
Leukemia.
Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver?
'cause she was a WOMAN!
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she was bad?
They re-arranged her bedroom.
How do you fit four gay guys on one bar stool?
Turn it over.
What's the most common pick-up line in a gay bar?
Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
A: You would too if your name was Ehhhhnuuuhh.
Q: Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
A: Her dog was blind too.
Originally posted by blowmeetheclown
What's the most common pick-up line in a gay bar?
"Can I push up your stool for you?"
Originally posted by blowmeetheclown
A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
That's fuckin' hilarious!
What's the difference between a nigger and a snow tire?
Snow tires don't sing when you put chains on them.
Originally posted by Nic Name
http://www.ushmm.org/
http://www.journale.com/withoutsanctuary/main.html
Not nearly as funny, Nic. A joke needs a setup and a punchline.
Well, I was wondering how long that would take.
You shoulda started this thread in your blog, dave.
I don't see why someone would go to the extent of reading something that contains the possibility of them getting offended. Like Dave said,
People don't need to read 'em if they don't want to be offended.
Post away.
I guess some people either like to waste their own time, or appreciate feeling bad. If you don't like it, don't click it.
Well, guys. It gives me some idea of the character of the individuals I've been spending my time with in other threads.
And I'm very disappointed. This thread is not just childish. It's hateful.
It reflects badly on any community that would tolerate it without speaking out against it.
I'm not believing your self-righteous statements in other threads that you're not homophobic, anti-semitic or racists.
Originally posted by Nic Name
Well, guys. It gives me some idea of the character of the individuals I've been spending my time with in other threads.
And I'm very disappointed. This thread is not just childish. It's hateful.
It reflects badly on any community that would tolerate it without speaking out against it.
I'm not believing your self-righteous statements in other threads that you're not homophobic, anti-semetic or racists.
Nah. I've got Jewish friends. Hell, I've got black Jewish friends. I even have a Japanese friend that makes Pearl Harbor jokes. What does that say about my character? Nothing. He makes his humor, I make mine. We just both enjoy it.
Which reminds me -- How do you cook chicken teriyaki Hiroshima-style?
Originally posted by Nic Name
http://www.exploratorium.edu/nagasaki/index.html
Nope. Nice try, though. And I didn't even find any recipes there.
Unfortunately, the only Canadian jokes I have are South Park-esque. Maybe I can find some for you.
Yes, you've found us out... we have absolutely no tolerance at all for people with no sense of humor. As they used to say, Fuck 'em, if they can't take a joke.
Bring on the American jokes, the white male jokes, the computer nerd jokes, the star trek geek jokes, whatever you like I'll take all of 'em. The only time you lose is when you don't laugh.
OK, you want to pretend this thread is a philly sophical, intelligent discourse.
Then you're surely ready to educate yourselves about the genre and see if you're ready to laugh at the World Trade Centre jokes that were the subject of
this study.
Just don't expect 3,000 dead Americans to produce the shits and giggles you give yourselves with jokes about millions of dead jews or asians.
Got no problem with any of that.
<b>How can you tell if a redneck girl is a virgin?</b>
She can run faster than her brothers.
<b>How do you circumcise a redneck?</b>
Kick his sister in the chin.
<b>How can you tell if a redneck girl is on the rag?</b>
Her brother's dick is red.
Originally posted by Nic Name
OK, you want to pretend this thread is a philly sophical, intelligent discourse.
Then you're surely ready to educate yourselves about the genre and see if you're ready to laugh at the World Trade Centre jokes that were the subject of [b]this study.
Just don't expect 3,000 dead Americans to produce the shits and giggles you give yourselves with jokes about millions of dead jews or asians. [/B]
It's World Trade Cent<b>er</b>, you stupid canuck.
It's World Trade Center, you stupid canuck.
Colour
Centre
Learn the queen's english and see if you can avoid commenting on the irony of this post.
These two on the WTC page made me laugh.
"Irish Air Disaster: A Cessna has crashed into a graveyard in Dublin.Irish rescue workers have found 827 bodies so far; digging continues."
TO THE TALIBAN--HAND OVER BIN LADEN,
OR WE'LL SEND YOUR WOMEN TO COLLEGE!
Sure its all pretty sick but it's peoples way of dealing with these things. On the other hand i think there is a lot to be said for the 'i'm not a racist but...'
Q:Why can't women go skiing?
A:No snow between the kitchen and the bedroom.
By product of going to a single sex school is hearing every sexist joke in existance.
Okay, so we're all perfectly clear here...
If I am in Toronto, I would go to the Air Canada Centre.
In New York City, the World Trade Center was destroyed.
In this country, the Queen of the United Kingdom is not the official head of state. ;)
Wow, it looks like Nic is getting a bit agitated here. If you want to use some cutesy self-righteous statements of your own like, "I'm not believing your self-righteous statements in other threads that you're not homophobic, anti-semitic or racists," then quite frankly Nic, you either:
--Don't really know us
or
--Are one of those folks that takes a literal interpretation of the Cellar, which IMO, is foolish to do.
jag, you dumb kangaroo wrestler... if it was in Canada or Britain or Australia, it would be the World Trade Centre. It was in the US, so it's the World Trade Center. The name cannot be changed - it is what it is. And it isn't the World Trade Centre.
In other words, keep your dumb fucking mouth shut when you don't know what you're talking about.
I am not young enough to know everything.
Forgive my rudimentary MSPaint skills...
What's this?
You know dave, for someone who likes winding people up you sure are susceptible yourself.
In this country, the Queen of the United Kingdom is not the official head of state.
I was hoping for a more violent reaction but if that’s the best I’m going to get...pah..It seemed like a flamey thread so i thought i'd lob in some kero and dave flying off the handle is the best i get? Ill just wait a page or two till it somehow dissolves into a gun control debate i guess......
I am not young enough to know everything.
That a quote? coz its damn good.
You think Nic ever comes up with anything original? He might as well have fucking linked it.
Originally posted by sycamore
... In this country, the Queen of the United Kingdom is not the official head of state. ...
oh shit. does that mean i have to pronounce it nook-u-lar? :)
~james
I believe the proper term is "Alligator Wrestler From The Island Of Refuse".
Originally posted by perth
oh shit. does that mean i have to pronounce it nook-u-lar? :)
~james
No. It's "nucleaur", fooul.
Human Refuse. Get it right. We don't take peoples trash, but we do make a good nuclear testing ground, ask the Biritsh.
That is correct james. And no pronunciation of g's at the end of words. :)
I believe you <b>are</b> the refuse of the British.
'zactly, but they didn't take trash here, too expensive. Just people. Don't have any aussie blood in me anyway. Though ill hold dual citizen soon so you can use British *and* Australian jokes on me.
Are you going to stop brushing your teeth as well?
Well chewing is overrated anyway...
Let's hope the UN weapons inspectors have more on the ball than this crowd, or they'll spend the first month debating whether they're looking for aluminum tubes or aluminium tubes.
Originally posted by blowmeetheclown
Which reminds me -- How do you cook chicken teriyaki Hiroshima-style?
First, preheat the oven to 4 million degrees...
What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire?
<b>How can you tell when an Italian car has a flat tire?</b>
It goes "wop wop wop wop wop wop wop wop wop"
How many nuns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know, I never asked. I just fuck 'em.
(another original)
Originally posted by blowmeetheclown
What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire?
Drowns.
What's the best part about being a pedophile?
Finding old pics that are stll ledgible, stimulating, and aren't stuck together?
My most self-educated guess.
Originally posted by sycamore
What's this?
Reminds me of when Vonnegut drew an asshole and had it published in "Breakfast of Champions".
Q: What's the worst part about having sex with a 9-year-old?
A: Cleaning the blood off your clown suit.
So this isn't exactly an original- I always got a really big laugh watching Wierd Al's "UHF", the part where the dude is teaching poodles how to fly. Even though I would swear in a court of law that I thought I wrote that one too.
"Badgers?!"
"Badgers?!"
"We don't need no stinking badgers!"
And remember folks, the turtle is nature's suction cup.
blowmeetheclown hearing the pelvis crack.
Originally posted by blowmeetheclown
What's the best part about being a pedophile?
Your dick looks so big in their little hands.
Why don't Mexicans want their daughters to marry blacks?
Originally posted by blowmeetheclown
Why don't Mexicans want their daughters to marry blacks?
Because their kids would be too lazy to steal!
Who has the sig line with a quote from Matt Sweeney of Zwan? The one about the difference between a priest and acne? That one's a classic!
Originally posted by sycamore
Who has the sig line with a quote from Matt Sweeney of Zwan? The one about the difference between a priest and acne? That one's a classic!
I've seen it on Slashdot a few times...
The only time you lose is when you don't laugh.
I disagree. I think you can lose on delivery. So I'll leave you boys to it.
Okay... I'm in!
q) How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?
a) Trying to read the waffle iron.
q) Why did God invent women?
a) Because sheep can't type.
q) What do you call the african-american chief of thoracic surgery at Johns Hopkins?
a) Nigger.
q) Why do Jews have such big noses?
a) Because air is free.
Wheeee! This is so... liberating and juvenile. I don't ever want this thread to end.
Originally posted by Tobiasly
What's the difference between a nigger and a snow tire?
Snow tires don't sing when you put chains on them.
Extreme hate crimes tend to be committed by people with a history of antisocial behavior. One of the most heinous examples took place in June 1998 in Jasper, Texas. Three men with jail records offered a ride to a black man who walked with a limp. After beating the victim to death, they dragged him behind their truck until his body was partially dismembered.
Many people perceive hate crime perpetrators as crazed, hate-filled neo-Nazis or "skinheads". But research by Dr. Edward Dunbar, a clinical psychologist at the University of California, Los Angeles, reveals that of 1,459 hate crimes committed in the Los Angeles area in the period 1994 to 1995, fewer than 5% of the offenders were members of organized hate groups.
Most hate crimes are carried out by otherwise law-abiding young people who see little wrong with their actions. Alcohol and drugs sometimes help fuel these crimes, but the main determinant appears to be personal prejudice, a situation that colors people's judgment, blinding the aggressors to the immorality of what they are doing. Such prejudice is most likely rooted in an environment that disdains someone who is "different" or sees that difference as threatening. One expression of this prejudice is the perception that society sanctions attacks on certain groups.
Sourcea situation that colors people's judgment
<insert lame pun here>
Originally posted by sycamore
"Badgers?!"
"Badgers?!"
"We don't need no stinking badgers!"
In fact, I remember writing about teaching poodles to fly. So much to remember, so little aspirin. There is already a parody of the movie "8 mile" on it's way I forgot about starring my man- adam sandler. This makes feel so much better about the whole "white rap" movement altogether, ugh. I'm so much older now.
The joke sycamore was talking about goes something like this:
<b>What's the difference between a priest and acne?</b>
Acne waits until you're a teenager before it comes on your face.
And here's one that's similar to another I posted earlier:
<b>How can you tell if your roommate is gay?</b>
He gets hard when you fuck him.
I was wondering what all of that "proper" medical terminology and psycho jargin was doing here but I just didn't have the patience to read those posts. I just come here to have fun, and try to share with others things they might not otherwise know about the entertainment industry. Sycamore has a heck of a poetry page if nobody else has thought to check out his profile. I for one like to know who I am talking to before I attempt to prescribe any sort of advice whatsoever.
I picked this up a while ago on Slashdot and laughed so hard at it that I nearly cried.
Secret Geek Handshake
<ol><li>Push up your coke-bottle glasses with the white cloth tape over the bridge
<li>Wipe your nose on your sleeve while surreptitiously looking down to make sure your pocket protector and all your pens are in order
<li>Look back up quickly, tossing back your greasy Bill Gates unkempt-style hair to one side, for a better view
<li>Nervously extend the left hand and then utter the sacred oath “Uh… oh, wrong hand, heh.”
<li>Extend a cold, extremely clammy right hand while tucking your left hand into pocket and slouching, all the time grinning like you did in that really bad driver’s license photo.
<li>Grasp unsteadily and pump weakly once before trying to remove hand while other party is still trying to shake.
</ol>
Syc, you gonna tell us what that picture you drew is?
Three Klansmen looking at a nigger in a well.
Originally posted by j03L10T
Sycamore has a heck of a poetry page if nobody else has thought to check out his profile. I for one like to know who I am talking to before I attempt to prescribe any sort of advice whatsoever.
Thanks joe. :)
THAT is so hillarious! Kinda makes me think of southpark. In my "dream" world, there would be no klan, or southern baptists, nor baptists for that matter. Generally speaking, they take the written contents of the bible as literal truth. There is no such thing as a man with ten heads and four spines with feathers. blahblahblahblahblahgrrr
Originally posted by sycamore
Thanks joe. :)
You betcha'.
: )
How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagon?
Originally posted by blowmeetheclown
How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagon?
You can fit 'em in a Volkswagon one at a time. All it takes is some measuring tape and a pen and paper; )
I dunno, how many?
OK, Nic guesses 24. I'm gonna be a little more conservative and say, oh, 18. What's the correct answer?
btw I believe that is a picture from a concentration camp during WW2. Did you know that Hitler designed the body for the very first vw? I had a hippy wagon once, the nice thing about it was that whenever the voltage regulator crapped out I could easily push it off of the road by myself. It was essentialy an aluminum can on wheels and actually required very little maintenance
Originally posted by blowmeetheclown
How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagon?
2 up front, 2 in the back, and 6 million in the ashtray.
A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette.
"My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the father.
"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.
"You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the father.
"I don't remember," says the girl. "I was completely drunk."
even I will drunk to that. urp- LEUTT
Originally posted by blowmeetheclown
How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagon?
you know .... I came REALLY close to posting that this morning ...
Which is easier to unload ... a truckload of cinderblocks or a truckload of dead babies?
Dead babies, because you can use a pitchfork ...
(i have been enjoying this thread FAR to much. thanks for starting it ...)
did that one too. Where are the babies? Somewhere over the mountain I gather. Hope 2 see you there too!
How do you get a thousand Ethiopians into the front seat of a truck?
Wipe a booger on the dashboard.
How do you get them out?
Turn on the air conditioning.
Yeh- and peeling them off of my arm as I speak. Boogers rule, but only if you allow them to. WE NEED MORE CLEAN BOOGERS FOR OUR CLEAN RAGS, SAVE MORE MONEY AND PUT A CLEAN BOOGER IN IT NOW!!
Dave's random opinion RULES!! hands down now-
You guys run out of good material already?
Yesterday scientists suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a second look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were each given 8 pints of beer to be drank within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive well, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong......
The problem with the beer experiment was that there was no control group. Had there been, it would have been observed that there was no difference between the control group and the experimental group...especially if we qualify "had to sit down while urininating" further with "if all the pee must go in the toilet". :-)
Marijuana *does* have significant estrogenic effect, though...
So...."How many Frenchmen does it take to hold Paris?"
[ off topic - I get every last drop in there through a special trick I call "standing over the toilet and shooting mostly straight down". It's amazing how well this works.
However, after I got shot, when I was in the hospital... my depth perception and equilibrium were naturally quite damaged... which lead to... uh... some spillage (all over the place). ]
I am trying to think of more tasteless jokes, but I have yet to come up with any. I'll go looking tonight or tomorrow online :)
Shake and wiggle all you please,
but the last little drop is for the BVD's.
...So the gerbil says to the other gerbil, "Let's go in the gay bar and get shitfaced."
What's the difference between a porch monkey and a yard ape?
Originally posted by MaggieL
"How many Frenchmen does it take to hold Paris?"
"Nobody knows."
HAHAHA. :) That was good. :)
I am offended as frog leg connoisseur.
Originally posted by blowmeetheclown
I am offended as frog leg connoisseur.
How can I be racist?
Black People Love Me!!
Originally posted by Tobiasly
What's the difference between a porch monkey and a yard ape?
The length of the rope.
When does a black man turn into a nigger?
Originally posted by blowmeetheclown
When does a black man turn into a nigger?
As soon as his brakes fail and the nigger standing in the middle of the road decides to "challenge" the driver to a friendly game of "dual"? One hell of a mexican stand-off if you ask me, but still- one less meddlesome "nigger" to suffer. Not that it's their fault they were raised to act and think like their parents. But a nuisance to most everyone, nonetheless and YES there are many differences.
The answer to my last posted picture: an Ethiopian family
Originally posted by blowmeetheclown
When does a black man turn into a nigger?
The moment he leaves the room.
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
Did you hear about the house the two lesbians built?
There were no studs; it was all tongue-and-groove.
Just one. All she has to do is the handy man.
Originally posted by j03L10T
Just one. All she has to do is the handy man.
When you start off with two lesbians, "handy man" is an oxymoron. :-)
Originally posted by MaggieL
When you start off with two lesbians, "handy man" is an oxymoron. :-)
As intended, there are two characters in the joke. One who is a lesbian, the other is a handy man. Sorry if it went over your head, but the lesbian in the joke would still prefer a man to screw it in for her. The bulb that is and the handy man only likes women but I felt no need to include that information in the joke. My answer is still "just one". It is an original. No sarcasm intended, honest.
: ]
"What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?"
Nothin', y'already done told'er twice. :)
Originally posted by j03L10T
Sorry if it went over your head, but the lesbian in the joke would still prefer a man to screw it in for her.
: ]
Sorry if it went over *your* head, but for a lesbian, there's nothing handy about a man. :-) It is true that how much some men would like to believe lesbians need them for *anything* other than the occasional sperm donation is one of the funniest things on the planet.
How many fleas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but the problem is getting them in there to begin with.
Originally posted by headsplice
"What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?"
I dunno, maybe "now that's what I call being 'hard up' for nookie?".
Originally posted by MaggieL
Sorry if it went over *your* head, but for a lesbian, there's nothing handy about a man. :-) It is true that how much some men would like to believe lesbians need them for *anything* other than the occasional sperm donation is one of the funniest things on the planet.
You mean lesbians have learned to open vacuum-sealed jars, do basic automobile maintenence, and read maps? Damn, there go those subjugation strategies right out the window.
Hmph. I'll bet you're the one who gave away the secrets, too. You're not going to tell the heterosexual women, are you?
I hear they can parallel park too ...
Yeah, sure wolf. You'll believe anything you see on TV.
"Now with quadrasteering, to help you get in tight spaces." Of course they don't show the woman getting out of the car and letting the professional driver in to back in between those motorcycles.
Do you know why Helen Keller was such a bad driver? Oops, sorry.. already done :)
Originally posted by Tobiasly
Yeah, sure wolf. You'll believe anything you see on TV.
"Now with quadrasteering, to help you get in tight spaces." Of course they don't show the woman getting out of the car and letting the professional driver in to back in between those motorcycles.
Just because the chick ... er... woman in that commericial with the bikers drives an SUV and is able to parallel park does NOT make her a lesbian!!
My apologies if I spoiled your fantasy.
Originally posted by russotto
Hmph. I'll bet you're the one who gave away the secrets, too. You're not going to tell the heterosexual women, are you?
Naw....none of them will sleep with me. :-)
(Re the SUV broad...) She's Professional Grade. Get used to it.
Originally posted by wolf
My apologies if I spoiled your fantasy.
You didn't spoil my fantasy. I think 95% of women have just a touch of lesbian in 'em. My fantasy is alive and well. :)
Damn, I just remembered some good Jesus jokes after posting about the Bible in the other thread...
<B>Q:</B> Why doesn't Jesus like M&M's?
<B>A:</B> They keep falling through the holes in his hands.
Jesus walks into an inn, throws three nails down on the counter, and says "can you put me up for the night?"
And my favorite one.. it's a visual joke, but at least you can tell it to others even if it's not funny written down:
<B>Q:</B> Why do all the chicks dig Jesus?
<B>A:</B><I> (Stretch both hands outwards, like in a "fish that got away" pose).</I> Because he's hung like this.
Why don't most guys like to eat vegetables?
Originally posted by russotto
Hmph. I'll bet you're the one who gave away the secrets, too. You're not going to tell the heterosexual women, are you?
Now wait a second, it seems that someone has jumped the gun a little here. Just two things, for the record here:
1. I created the lesbian in the joke therefore as HER creator I maintain that she is a lesbian who still believes that most, if not all men are meant to be controlled by women as mere fools.
2. The handy man smokes massive amounts of crack cocaine and, after passing the bong back and forth a few times she totaly forgets that she is a lesbian and then she does the handy man. She would try once again to remind herself somehow the next morning to once and for all screw the godamm thing in this time. It was a daily ritual that required very much memory and wind power until one day they both found themselves homeless and somewhat high on crack, and finally converted to solar.
THE END?
: ]
Originally posted by j03L10T
1. I created the lesbian in the joke therefore as HER creator I maintain...
You should probably get a copy of The Sims so you can work out these power fantasies in a safe venue. :-)
<i>How many Centauri does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, but in the great old days of the Republic hundreds of servants would leap to change a thousand lightbulbs at our slightest whim!</i>
Originally posted by Tobiasly
I think 95% of women have just a touch of lesbian in 'em.
Can't be...because 10% of them have more than "just a touch". :-)
Originally posted by MaggieL
You should probably get a copy of The Sims so you can work out these power fantasies in a safe venue. :-)<i></i>
C'mon now, you are challenging original humor with historic facts. I don't really put much thought into these posts and that should be obvious. You seem to be analyzing it a bit too much, albeit equally as harmless as a good poke or two at an original joke. And the name of this thread is..? Thanks for the input though: ], and good for the godesses of today and yesteryear- in both fact and legend.
:]
Originally posted by blowmeetheclown
Why don't most guys like to eat vegetables?
I dunno, but I am visually approaching this question soley from the point of view of the guy on the other side of an ink blot, and I really do this sort of thing just for fun. Not to offend anyone in any case. Here is my best guess: Most guys prefer their meat dead and already cooked? How'd I do this time?
: ]
Originally posted by blowmeetheclown
Why don't most guys like to eat vegetables?
vegetables? thats what food eats!
~james
Originally posted by blowmeetheclown
Why don't most guys like to eat vegetables?
If she's brain-dead why waste the time on foreplay.
Originally posted by j03L10T
2. The handy man smokes massive amounts of crack cocaine and, after passing the bong back and forth a few times
Okay now .... let's get the paraphenalia nomenclature straight here.
A bong is a water-pipe used for smoking marijuana.
Crack cocaine is smoked using a "stem" which does not contain a water chamber, and may be constructed of glass (for fancy upscale users) or the largest piece of a telescoping antenna (your basic, average, crack stole my life users). I have confiscated more antennas, although the cleverest version I saw came from a prisoner who had fashioned a combination shiv, potato peeler & crack stem in his spare time at the county correctional facility.
Originally posted by blowmeetheclown
Why don't most guys like to eat vegetables?
The wheelchairs get in the way.
Perth - I have that Shoe cartoon up on my wall. Good one!
Originally posted by blowmeetheclown
The wheelchairs get in the way.
Perth - I have that Shoe cartoon up on my wall. Good one!
thats from a shoe cartoon? i wondered where i got that from.
~james
Originally posted by wolf
Okay now .... let's get the paraphenalia nomenclature straight here
Oh no, do you have any idea what you have just done? Now everyone at this forum knows how to smoke crack, there goes the neighborhood!!
Just kidding:], seriously though they were a really fucked up couple who never did things the way others would expect. My error was purely intentional and also a very direct result of never having smoked that stuff myself.
Regards,
J03L10T
: )
I forgot about that one, must have taken your reply to my usual nonsense as a verbal attack of sorts upon my joke. I am a writer and not a very good one most of the time, ordinary is exactly what most people tend to want to allow others to try and sell. It was just another joke. Sorry again.
j03, dude ...
No offense taken, and my delivery is often misunderstood as criticism when it is not. It's all in good fun, Bro.
Apologies to you too ...
Okay...this apology shit has GOT to stop. :)
Originally posted by sycamore
Okay...this apology shit has GOT to stop. :)
WE WON'T GO:)
Originally posted by j03L10T
WE WON'T GO:)
Is that right? Well, I'll just have to break out the Little Black Book and call all those supposed folks you worked for...you know what they did with the woman who claimed to sing on Paula Abdul's albums, right?
:)
Originally posted by sycamore
Okay...this apology shit has GOT to stop.
Please accept my most sincere apology for
not apologizing sooner.
Acknowledgment is a stain on our nation's soul. There is no other way to describe it. It represents one of our lowest moments in our history, I grew up in an environment that condoned policies and views that we now know were wrong and immoral, and I repudiate them. Atonement and concession are immoral, and I again apologize for not apologizing much sooner than this. It is my hope that you will understand that this was a mistake of my ass and not my heart. I regret not having shown more heartfelt regret much sooner and I apologize again, for not apologizing. I’m really sorry for my words, they were poorly chosen and insensitive, and I apologize for not regretting not apologizing.
<B>I agree Trent, enough is enough and if people don't accept it they need to get a life :) </B>
I'm so sorry that I'm going to take an hour of TV time to air various things that may or may not convince people that I actually am sorry.
Originally posted by sycamore
Is that right? Well, I'll just have to break out the Little Black Book and call all those supposed folks you worked for...you know what they did with the woman who claimed to sing on Paula Abdul's albums, right?
:)
They fucked her? Be my guest, amd while you are at it say hey to Celine Dion for me. Man, what an incredible bod.:)
Originally posted by Undertoad
I'm so sorry that I'm going to take an hour of TV time to air various things that may or may not convince people that I actually am sorry.
Your mistakes are actually a greater part of the solution than any of you may have ever thought to have considered. We learn from them. We move on and realize that things we do as children are not any indicator of the true character and underlying values of even young adults. I learned a lot of usefull things and accept you as you are.:)
I was walking out of one of the local 'gay' (it goes in quotes b/c I think #hetero>#homo) bars a couple of years ago at closing time. It is important to note (for the purposes of the story) that I am not a homosexual. As I'm walking out the door with my friend TM (who is gay) we hear an extremely drunk voice ask (to TM):
Drunk: "Is that your boyfriend?"
TM: (looks at me and laughs)"No, no he is not."
Drunk:"Oh." (five second pause)"Well, that's okay, take him home and fuck him anyway."
WHEEEEE!!!!! I love it when people get so drunk they can't stand up on their own!
And.....to make up for that last one:
What are the two biggest lies in Poland?
-1)The check is in your mouth.
-2)I won't come in the mail.
Thank you! Thank you! I'll be here all week!
why did god invent whiskey?
to keep the irish from taking over the world.
:)
~james
Originally posted by headsplice
WHEEEEE!!!!! I love it when people get so drunk they can't stand up on their own!
Ah ... changes in perspective ... I used to enjoy using drunks as playthings for head games cuz they were such easy targets. But I have promised to use these superpowers only on the side of the forces of good (well mostly) so I don't do that anymore.
Now when I deal with someone that drunk, i think of two things ... one, how much extra paperwork I'm going to have to deal with because I had to send some stupid drunken motherfucker to the ER for medical clearance, and two, the relative tranquility, once that paperwork is completed, because said jackass will not be back in my waiting room until long after my shift is over.
Personally I like the Listerine drunks the best. They're just as toasted as the beer/whiskey drunks, but at least they're minty-fresh.
but at least they're minty-fresh.
HAHAHAHA!
Thugs have hijacked a truck containing a huge shipment of viagra. The police as well as other local authorities are advising citizens of the community to be on the look out for hardened criminals.:)
Originally posted by wolf
Ah ... changes in perspective ... I used to enjoy using drunks as playthings for head games cuz they were such easy targets. But I have promised to use these superpowers only on the side of the forces of good (well mostly) so I don't do that anymore.
Now when I deal with someone that drunk, i think of two things ... one, how much extra paperwork I'm going to have to deal with because I had to send some stupid drunken motherfucker to the ER for medical clearance, and two, the relative tranquility, once that paperwork is completed, because said jackass will not be back in my waiting room until long after my shift is over.
Personally I like the Listerine drunks the best. They're just as toasted as the beer/whiskey drunks, but at least they're minty-fresh.
Um, think I'm going to pay more attention to what other people are saying from now on. I know what I actually did, so it's not right for me to have made such a comment. I'm not going to repeat it, I'm actually honored in a strange and unexpected way. Joined at the hip, over and beyond the mountain. It's true, but I apologize for that fucked up comment, I just didn't know and will pay more attention from now on. Please accept my apology for the careless joke, of course I still think the world of you!:)
1. I thought we were done apologizing.
2. j03, I have absolutely no clue what you're apologizing for. :confused: (I thought the viagra joke was funny ...)
Originally posted by wolf
1. I thought we were done apologizing.
2. j03, I have absolutely no clue what you're apologizing for. :confused: (I thought the viagra joke was funny ...)
1. Sorry again. I love making up.:)
2. Sure wish I could take full credit for that one, caught it on the Letterman show one night long ago.:)
Two guys go into a not so very well lit tavern of midevil design. "Bartender", the first one shouts into the darkness. No reply. Once again the first one shouts out for a drink and the bartender doesn't seem to notice. Then the second one says "he's deaf, don't you get it already?". The first one says to the second one, "you are shitting me, right?". "I am absolutely not" says number two and adds "not only that but the moron can't see so the drinks are absolutely on the house and FREE of charge". -Something a little tiny and ignorant monkey once told me.
AHAHAHH.
Good night.:)
Originally posted by j03L10T
Two guys go into a not so very well litten tavern of midevil design. "Bartender", the first one shouts into the darkness. No reply. Once again the first one shouts out for a drink and the bartender doesn't seem to notice. Then the second one says "he's deaf, don't you get it already?". The first one says to the second one, "you are shitting me, right?". "I am absolutely not" says number two and adds "not only that but the moron can't see so the drinks are absolutely on the house and FREE of charge". -Something a little tiny and ignorant monkey once told me.
AHAHAHH.
Good night.:)
wtf?
Originally posted by blowmeetheclown
wtf?
Two wrongs don't make a right but inevitably, everyone pays for what they do. Jacob's ladder, according to theory you make your own hell worse than it ever had to be by misleading others into causing others to suffer much harder than they ever really should have. It's just a joke. Get it?
seems like a lot of thinking. not sure its funny even then. but i did like the viagra one. :)
~james
Originally posted by perth
seems like a lot of thinking. not sure its funny even then. but i did like the viagra one. :)
~james
Yeah, it took massive amounts of thought considering that I did not write the track "little dolls", but was handed to me on paper once for me to sing. The guy who lip synced it a few times on stage did not write it so yeah- aspirin is a very welcome element in this overly knowledgeable reality at present moment.
-the little doll is YOU? I just dunno and thank heavens for the ever present reality of voice altering headgear during orthodontics (as well as the original vocal recordings of the first few solo abums). I wrote and sang the past three solo albums in 1984, with merely an upper retainer firmly in position.
I must be the devil since the southern baptists say so, right? Although I volunteered to a david bowie looking mother fucker, I don't recall volunteering to be the 'devil', ever. Don't ever ask me to go to church with you, or why I ever dared jesus to 'come back', after the life of torment I have lived. Mostly in part and way shape and form of a most painful and undetected upon birth, defect. Don't try to define me, I will only embarass you and without at all meaning to. None of you ever knew what you were purposely shitting on through your ignorantely worded euphorisms and immature and not so well informed mis-actions.
But I still maintain in my own usual and hopeless (to you) course of merely wishfull thnking that I might just be able to overlook your own thoughtless ways when it is YOUR turn to have to pretend to be just totally stupid just to insure that everything remains the way you think it should be. If you want to know the answer, whatever you do- don't ask me.:)
OK, this one's better in person . . . but here goes:
Joe Sixpack is nursing a brew on a barstool next to some pencil-necked French guy. Pierre, drinking a Mai Tai, periodically (and subtly) sniffs his finger and murmurs to himself "Aaah, Fifi." After he does this a few times, Joe asks Pierre's what's up with the finger-thing?
"Oh, mon ami, I am sorry to disturb you, but I was just with my girlfriend, Fifi, and her lovely scent still lingers on my finger."
Joe says, "Yeah, I know whatcha mean," takes a huge snort of his arm, from the shoulder down to the fingertips and blurts out "Myrtle!"
New to the Cellar but having fun watching the antics. I'm not so sure I should get too close to some of the cages though -- you know what they say about the Jaguars; when they turn their backs to you and lift their tails, it's time to run!
99 44/100% pure
Jag, put your tail down and turn around...good boy.
Originally posted by 99 44/100% pure
Joe says, "Yeah, I know whatcha mean," takes a huge snort of his arm, from the shoulder down to the fingertips and blurts out "Myrtle".
Gee. Myrtle's purfume must have been quite strong to leave the scent on his
entire arm. He must have leaned up against her right after she applied it. :D
An ass that runs forever.:)
Can't believe my last post here yesterday. Shocking but most truthful, that's why I am leaving it there.
truly yours,
joe q. elliot
This is the girl from the converted lesbian/crackhead/handyman joke, after she disposed of the body.:)
Originally posted by Nic Name
Well, guys. It gives me some idea of the character of the individuals I've been spending my time with in other threads.
And I'm very disappointed. This thread is not just childish. It's hateful.
Don't know if you are still posting here, but how so? Please explain.
It reflects badly on any community that would tolerate it without speaking out against it.
Ok, so anyone not speaking out against "tasteless jokes" are automatically "bad"? Again, please explain this theory.
[QUOTE}I'm not believing your self-righteous statements in other threads that you're not homophobic, anti-semitic or racists. [/QUOTE]
Believe what you wish. It doesn't make it TRUTH.
Very well put, I think. Lady Syc I have to applaude you for pointing out the fact that everyone is different in their own way, and many jump to conclusions about what they may read or see whether online or another reality altogether. I think that some contributng factors vary in this case, ranging from various drug habits, overall contentness with life in general, and also the way others may have been raised to perceive the words and actions of others (to name just a few). I believe it would probably do someone out there a favor to notice the way that last sentence begins with the words "I THINK", instead of "I KNOW". I read something to that effect in one of Syc's poems on his personal home page that really struck a very deep chord with me and although it read as a simple poem at first, I don't know very many others that could address such an issue so directly with very few words. It sticks to me to this very day and I am looking forward to reading the others, hopefully when I am off again and actually have the patience to read instead of write my own. But yeah, it does always suck when someone doesn't appear to have much of a sense of humor, especially when it seems to them that instigating a 'holy' witch hunt is the only proper response, I think. Something else I THINK, the best way to deal with this sort of individual is to forgive them for their ignorance and lack of understanding. I usually ask them if they are taking their medication and chances are that if they don't laugh and smile with you, just apologize for the joke and move on. But we don't do that sort of thing at a thread named "Truly Tasteless Jokes", now do we?:)
<b>How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?</b>
Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to SUCK MY DICK.
Thank you, Dave, for taking the time to revive this most excellent of all threads.
And now...
Why did God invent women?
Because sheep can't type.
What's the difference between a feminist and a sumo wrestler?
Originally posted by blowmeetheclown
What's the difference between a feminist and a sumo wrestler?
Sumo wrestlers don't have hairy legs.
Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill.
"What was that?" The others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."
A few minutes later, another woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong."
They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill.
"What was that?" the others asked her.
"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"
My brain just turned to guacamole and leaked out my ears.
Ok While at plastic forks this year i told this joke(kindof).. and was informed of this thread.. so i thought i'd revive it.... but people please try and stay on topic. and Please no anti-tasteless joke comments... we don't care...
SO a blond a brunette and a red head are sitting at a bar. They are all laughing and talking... untill the topic of their boyfriends comes up. So they start bragging about how loose they are.
The Red says, " I'm so loose that my boyfriend can stick Two fists in me"
The Brunette scoffs, " I'm so... loose that my boyfriend can fit both his fists and a foot in me"
The Blond looks at them nerviously and shifts her weight, then turns and looks at the other two with a grin as she slides down the barstool.
1. WHAT DO YOU CALL A CUPBOARD FULL OF LESBIANS? ... A LICKER CABINET.
2. WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ESKIMO LESBIAN? ... A KLONDYKE.
3. WHAT DO YOU CALL 100 LESBIANS WITH GUNS? ... MILITIA ETHRIDGE.
4. WHAT DO YOU CALL 2 LESBIANS IN A CANOE? ... FUR TRADERS.
5. WHAT IS A LESBIAN DINOSAUR CALLED? ... A LICKALOTAPUSS.
6. WHAT DO YOU CALL A LESBIAN WITH LONG FINGERS? ... WELL HUNG.
7. WHAT DO TWO LESBIANS DO WHEN THEY ARE HAVING THEIR PERIODS? ... FINGERPAINT. (EEEWWWWW)
8. WHAT DO LESBIANS CALL AN OPEN CAN OF TUNA? ... POTPOURRI.
9. WHAT DID THE LESBIAN VAMPIRE SAY TO HER PARTNER? ... SEE YOU NEXT PERIOD.
10. DID YOU HEAR THAT ELLEN DEGENERES DROWNED? ... SHE WAS FOUND FACE DOWN IN RICKI LAKE.
11. HOW CAN YOU TELL A TOUGH LESBIAN BAR? ... EVEN THE POOL TABLE DOESN'T HAVE BALLS.
12. DO YOU KNOW WHAT DRAG IS? ... IT'S WHEN A MAN WEARS EVERYTHING A LESBIAN WON'T.
13. WHAT DO YOU CALL LESBIAN TWINS? ... LICK-A-LIKES.
14. HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A LESBIAN IS BUTCH? ... SHE KICK-STARTS HER VIBRATOR AND ROLLS HER OWN TAMPONS.
15. WHAT'S THE DEFINITION OF CONFUSION? ... TWENTY BLIND LESBIANS IN A FISH MARKET.
16. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A RITZ CRACKER AND A LESBIAN? ... ONE'S A SNACK CRACKER, THE OTHER A CRACK SNACKER!
How about some visual stupidity??
Very nice, zippyt. I especially got a kick out of the first two. :)
Planned books cancelled on 9-12-01
“Giuliani: Why He Could Never Handle a Huge Crisis”
“Our Fear-Free, Pampered, Celebrity-Obsessed, Self-Indulgent, Insular American World: Why It Will go on Like This Forever”
“Carry On: It's Time To Stop All This Unnecessary Airport Security”
“Religious Fundamentalism: The Last Best Hope to Bring Peace to the World”
“Mommy, I Feel Too Safe: How to Raise Children in a Boring World”
“Hosed: Are Firemen Really All That Brave, Or Is It Just a Bunch Of Hype?”
“How to Find a Great Name for Your Speed-Metal Band, by Joey Belladonna of Anthrax”
“‘Jihad’? Wasn't She On ‘Moesha’?: 100 Hilarious Jokes About Americans’ Ignorance of World Affairs and Other Cultures”
“The Death of CNN: Why The All-News Format Failed”
“Stem Cell Research: George W. Bush's defining moment”
“How to Look Afghan”
“Take a Powder!: The kid's guide to de-electronizing finely milled granular substances”
Hehehehehe. Those are all pretty good. :)
Originally posted by dave
Hehehehehe. Those are all pretty good. :)
Well, except for the Anthrax one. The anthrax didn't happen for quite a while longer. Geez, get your facts straight! :cool:
Yeh, like a month. Yeesh. :)
what do a penguin and JFK jr have in common?
both cute as hell and neither of them can fly.
Timmy and his grandfather went fishing one day.
about a half an hour in, grandpa takes out a beer and starts to drink it. "hey grandpa, can i have a sip of your beer?", timmy says. Grandpa says," well let me ask you a question: can you touch your asshole with the tip of your penis?" Timmy is appalled. " no! I'm only 10 yrs old!" grandpa says, " well until you can, no beer"
about a half an hour later, grandpa lights a cigar. Same question by timmy, same answer.
yet another half hour later TIMMY gets out a bag of oreos and stars to eat them. Grandpa says," hey timmy, let me have one of those cookies>" Timmy says," let me ask you a question: can you touch your asshle with the tip of your penis?" Grandpa gets a proud look on his face and says,"yes i can!"
timmy: " Good. go fuck yourself, these are MY oreos!"
lol. consider that one stolen...but i won't take credit.
What'd the leper say to the prostitute?
"Keep the tip."
nyuk, nyuk, nyuk
The Reverend Jesse Jackson was holding a press conference
in the appliance department of a Sears store in Chicago. He
was there to protest the fact that all the washing machines
were white. The clerk was upset because Jesse was getting
louder and frightening customers away. So, he called the store
manager who said: "What's the problem here Reverend?"
Jesse continued to bemoan that all the washing machines were white.
The manager remarked, "Well Reverend, while it's true that all the machines
are white, if you open the lids you will see that all the agitators are black."
What's Michael Jackson's favorite college?
"Bring 'em" Young University
hahahaha.
What's black and blue and hates sex?
the five year old in the trunk of my car.
The Teacher, Ms. Pelzner, was very curious about how each of her
students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me
Patrick what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked.
Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Pelzner, me and my twelve
brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we
come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up
our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to
come with all our toys."
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at
Christmas?"
"Well, Ms. Pelzner, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad
and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and
milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep,
waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents. "
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave
him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do
at Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from
the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy
factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin
to sing 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."
I am committing this one to memory, Wolf. Hysterical.
A woman was lying in her hospital bed recuperating after an intense
12 hour delivery of a bouncing baby boy.
Moments later the hospital room door opened, and in walked
the delivery nurse carrying the baby boy ....
SUDDENLY the nurse THROWS the baby on the floor, kicks it up
against the wall, picks it up and TWIRLS it around several times
and THROWS it against the wall....
Well, just bewildered, the woman gives out a loud SHREEEK and
hollers MY GOD ..... WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABY ??????
The Nurse chuckles a little to herself 'April Fools', she says...
He was ALREADY DEAD
:headshake
OR>
A woman is lying in her hospital bed after an intense
12 hour delivery of a bouncing baby boy.
When the baby is born, the nurse looks at the mother and says
with a sad voice I am sorry, but your baby is stillborn.
MAD with sorrow the mother THROWS the baby on the floor, kicks it up
against the wall, picks it up and TWIRLS it around several times
and THROWS it against the wall....
The Nurse chuckles a little to herself 'April Fools', she says...
He wasn't DEAD
Q: Why did the black guy carry a peice of shit in his wallet?
A: Identification
Q) Why do black people throw trash out in clear plastic bags?
A) So Mexicans can go window-shopping
Q) How was copper wire invented?
A) Two Jews fighting over a penny
Q) How many black people does it take to pave a driveway?
A) 5 if you slice them thin enough
Q) What do you say to a black guy in a suit?
A) "Will the defendant please rise..."
Q) What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A) One less drunk
Q) Why wouldn't JFK have been a good boxer?
A) He couldn't take a shot to the head
Q) How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
A) None, it better be open when she brings it to you
Q) WHy do Montrealers fuck doggie-style so much?
A) So that they both can watch the Canadiens game
Q) Why do women have legs?
A) So that they can leave after you're done fuckin' 'em
Q) What is another name for a family reunion in Alabama?
A) An orgy
Q) What do you call 50 white guys chasing a black guy?
A) The PGA
SlickDrifter and Guyute - those are disgusting!!!
Thank you! :)
Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...
The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."
"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"
"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."
Do you know what a Jewish dilemma is?
Free ham.
Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
-I don't know why I like those jokes so much...the more offensive to me as a woman, the funnier they are!
Mrs. Warner's thrid grade class was asked to come to school with a short story that had a moral attached to it.
Susie raised her hand and told the following story:
"My daddy is a chicken rancher and one day I set two dozen eggs in the incubator but only eighteen of them hatched."
"What's the moral of your story, Susie?" asked Mrs. Warner.
"Don't count your chickens before they're hatched!"
"Very good Susie, anyone else?"
Mary raised her hand and expounded thus:
"My daddy also raises chickens and one day I was collecting eggs for the farmer's market so igot the biggest basket we had and I put every egg I found in it. I loaded it nto the back of the pickup truck and on the way to the market the truck hit a big bump and all the eggs fell out the back and were smashed."
"Oh that's so terrible, Mary. What would you say the moral to that story is?"
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
"Excellent Mary. Anyone else?"
Bruce raises his hand and tells the following story:
"Uncle Bud was a fighter pilot in Viet Nam, he was deep behind enemy lines when his plane was hit. He ejected and barely had time to grab his survival kit. On the way down in his parachute he opened his kit and pulled out his bottle of Jack Daniels and drank the whole thing in one long gulp. He dug deeper and found a case of beer, he drank every can, one after the other on the way down.
When he landed, he noticed that he was surrounded by 75 vietcong. He pulled out his machine gun and killed 40 of them before he ran out of bullets, then he threw his gun to the ground, grabbed his machete and killed 20 of them before his machete broke in two. So he killed the last 15 of them with his bare hands!"
The class was stunned silent, a few of the more sensitive kids were begining to cry, Mrs. Warner looked at Bruce and asked:
"What on earth could the moral of that story possibly be?"
Bruce replied, "You don't fuck with Uncle Bud when he's been drinking."
LOL foot...
This flight leaves New York and just over halfway across the Atlantic, the pilot announces over the intercom "Sorry folks but we just lost an engine. We forgot to load chutes so one of the passengers must make the supreme sacrifice so that the rest of the plane may live."
This Jew stands up without hesitation, runs over to the door, flings it open, and shouts "Remember the Holocaust!" then flings himself out to his death.
20 minutes later the pilot announces "Sorry folks, we are having trouble with an engine so even though it is not gone, we are now over-loaded so I must call upon the passengers to select someone to sacrifice themselves so that the plane will make it."
This priest stands up, serenely walks over to the door, pulls it up, and makes the sign of The Cross, says to the rest of the passengers "Remember Jesus' sacrifice" then flings himself out.
Shortly after, the pilot says "We just lost the 2nd engine. We know the last engine will get us landed safely but unfortunately ONE MORE passenger must make the supreme sacrifice."
Without hesitation this big Texan runs over and grabs a Mexican seated near him, drags him to the door and flings him to his death, yelling "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!!"
Q: How does every ethnic joke begin?
A: By looking over your shoulder
Q: What do you call 1 white guy surrounded by 5 black guys?
A: Coach
Q: How do you know if an Asian robbed your house?
A: Your homework's done, your computer's upgraded, but 2 hours later the fucker's still trying to back out of the driveway
-And this is the world's best answer if anyone ever tells a Jewish joke in front of you. Act all indignant and say: "Hey, my grandfather died at Auschwitz!" Everyone will get all quiet and uncomfortable. Then softly say, "Yeah, he fell out of the guard tower."
What's better than fucking a 5-year old Vietnamese kid?
Nothin'
what did one gay sperm say to the other?
"I can't see a THING with all this SHIT in here!"
OMG Noodle, that is officially THE sickest joke I have ever heard- and funny!!!
What did Stevie Wonder say when he was old enough to realize he had been born blind?
"Coulda been worse- I could have been born Black"
Q) What is the best method of bringing a woman to orgasm?
A) Who cares?
This Polish guy with a parrot on his head walks into a bar. The bartender says "Whoa, where did he come from?"
The parrot replies "I don't know, it started growing out of my ass one day."
How can you tell when the helicopter approaching is Italian-made?
It goes "wop, wop, wop"
Q: what is the worsr part of eating a vegetable
A: getting her back in the wheelchair
oh shir.. uh so no bounds?
we'll start off nice..
how do you get a one arm pollock out of a tree?
A:wave
why do altar boys have their hair parted to either side
say good alrar boy while moving your hands in an 'inappropiate' manner
I was asked to run a marathon and I said "no chance".
Then I was told it was for blind and disabled kids so I thought fuck it, I could win that!
Michael Jackson bought Stevie Wonder a cheese grater for Christmas. He says it's the best book he's ever read.
Chinese man rings his boss. "Me no work, I sick". Boss says "When i'm sick, I fuck my wife, Try that". Two hours later, Chinese fella rings back "me feel better. You got nice house".
Man calls his boss. "I won't be in today, i'm sick". Boss says "how sick?" Man says "i'm in bed with my sister".
Q: How do you stop black guys from hanging around in your front yard?
A: Hang one in the back yard.
=====================
A really old Jewish man wins the largest California Lottery jackpot in history and he's on television when they ask him if he'd like to say anything. He says, "Yes. I'd like to thank Hitler for this money." The stunned reporter asks, "Hitler?!? You want to thank Hitler???" The old man rolls up his sleeve, points to his arm and says, "Yep. He's the one who gave me the numbers."
=====================
Q: What's long black and stinky?
A: The unemployment line
=====================
Q: What do you call a black man with a PhD in Astrophysics, and another PhD in Microbiology?
A: Nigger.
=====================
Q: What's the difference between a gay man and a microwave?
A: A microwave doesn't brown your meat.
=====================
Q: How many Mexicans does it take to lube your car?
A: One, but you've got to hit him just right.
=====================
Q: How was the Grand Canyon created?
A: A Jewish guy dropped a quarter down a gopher hole.
=====================
Q: How come Jewish guys wear that little cap on their head?
A: Because they don't want to pay for the propeller to go with it.
=====================
Q: What do you get when Mexicans and Mormons have kids together?
A: A cellar full of stolen food.
The mormon one made me lmao. I suspect you've lapsed on your ACLU dues though. :lol:
Q: What do you get when mexicans and blacks have children?
A: Kids that are too lazy to steal.
NEWSFLASH: Michael Jackson has been sentenced to 10 years in jail. The judge told him to think himself lucky, if he'd have been black, it would have been 20.
How do you break a Texan's finger?
Punch him in the nose.
----------------------
What sign hangs in every public Men's washroom in Poland?
"PLEASE DO NOT EAT THE MINTS"
----------------------
What do you get when you cross a Jew and a pig?
Nothing, there's some things even pigs won't fuck.
Did you hear about the new Jewish gameshow?
It's called "The Price Is Too High"
-------------------
Did you hear about the new black gameshow?
It's called "the Price Is Wrong, BITCH!"
what's the worst part about being Sammy Davis Junior?
having to sit at the back of the oven
what's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
getting her back in the wheel chair
What a great thread. Sorry I'm late but I'm on the wrong side of the world.
An American, an Australian and a Canadian were drinking in a bar one day. They had solve all the world’s problems and it was getting a bit dull.
The American downs his beer, throws his glass in the air pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass. He turns to the other two and says ” America is such a rich country you never have to drink out of the same glass twice.”
The Aussie ponders for a while and the light comes on. He downs his beer, throws the glass in the air , picks up the gun and shoots it. “Australia is such a huge land and we have so much sand we never have to drink out of the same glass twice.
Now the Canadian is screwed. He thinks long and hard. The other two are glaring at him. All of a sudden he downs his beer, picks up the gun and shoots the American. He turns to the Aussie and says “ Canada is such a beautiful country but there are so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice!”
~reminds me of one i read in High Times:
One fine day on a train:
There's a Biker, a Russian, a Cuban, and a Lawyer ( sorry Glatt). They're havin' a fine time talking and hanging out, when the Cuban takes out 4 primo Cuban cigars and passes them around. They are all very appreciative, but amazed when the Cuban takes a few puffs of his, and then throws it out the window.
The Biker says, "damn, son, wadja do that for?! That was a $30 cigar!"
The Cuban says, " well, in my country, cigars are so plentiful....it's really not that big of a deal."
The Biker is doubtful, but sits back and enjoys his cigar. The next thing he knows, the Russian is handing him and the other passengers bottles of top shelf Russian Vodka. Perfect, he thinks. A great cigar, and a whole bottle of premium Vodka. He is again amazed, however, when the Russian takes a couple pulls from his bottle, and throws IT out the window.
"What the hell did you do that for, Ivan?!"
The Russian chuckles, and says that vodka is like water in Russia, don;t get so excited.
The Biker thinks on this for a moment, takes a big pull on his bottle, a puff from his cigar, and then grabs the lawyer and throws him out the window.
an eight year old boy comes home from school one day and says to his dad, "Daddy, what's a cunt?"
"A cunt?! where did you hear that?!" his dad says, appalled.
The boy shrugs, " I heard it at school. what does it mean?"
His dad rubs his chin for a moment, thinking about how to handle this, and decides that honesty is the best policy. " come with me," he says. " your mom is taking a nap. maybe i can show you."
The two of them crep silently up the stairs, and dad ever so carefully lifts mom's nightgown, exposing her crotch. " Now. you see that hairy triangle with the pink squiggles in it?"
The son says, " yes"
dad says, " That's a vagina. The rest of it's a cunt"
:rimshot:
yeah so I got a little redundant.. oops beer+typing=bad
why don't mexicans have BBQ's?
the beans keep falling thru the grill
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day.
The man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill, then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband was feeling a little frisky. He made some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"
Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.
The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”
The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”
( I think this one may have been used before)
An amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." the mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"
oh yeah..
what do you say to micheal jackson at the beach?
HEY! get outa my son!
how do you know when it's bedtime at micheal jacksons house?
when the big hand touches the little hand
A Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding meet with their Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
Ahmed asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!," replies the Mullah, "Allah Akbar! (GOD is great)
Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah Akbar. Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Allah Akbar!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. Allah Akbar!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah."
"Buy why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing."
More proof that jokes get recycled.
I heard this version 35 years ago:
Why are Baptists against pre-marital sex?
It leads to dancing.
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."
Jews don't recognize jesus as the messiah.
Protestants don't recognize the pope as emmissary of god.
Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store.
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."
Hey LJ, thanks for the ONLY laff I've gotten from this lame thread. Course, I could qualify for an assist since after laughing out loud and re-reading the joke, I noticed that the doctor actually pulled the pen out of his shi
Rt. Oh well,
still funny!
This American businessman decides to go to Japan to see about buying some goods. As he arrives too late to meet the Japanese people that he would be dealing with, he arranges to meet one of them for a round of golf the next day, then hits the bar.
He is well-buzzed when this gorgeous Japanese woman sits down, and sure enough, the two hit off and after several more drinks, they head up to his room.
Soon enough the two of them are screwing like crazy, with the booze they both drank fuelling the fire. After several minutes of them fucking like crazy, he tells her to turn over and goes at her equally passionately doggie-style. Suddenly she starts jumping all over and yelling "mookee wannee, mookee wannneeee". He thinks to himself, "boy, am I giving her the drilling of a lifetime!!!". They finish and she soon pulls on her clothes and leaves.
The next morning he meets his Japanese partner and head for the golf course. After doing so-so for the first three holes, he sinks a long 40-foot putt. Waving his putter, he remembers the woman from the night before and yells "mookee wannee! Mookee Wannie!!"
The Japanese guy looks at him quizzically and says, "what do you mean, 'wrong hole'??"
Q: What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?
A: An erection.
i'm so so sorry.
I know this is an old post...but I came across it and just had to add to it lol
What do you do when you catch your wife watching TV?
Shorten the chain in the kitchen!
What do you call a bunch of black people in a field?
Antique farm equipment
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Little Boy Blue
Little boy blue who?
Little boy blue michael jackson!
Guy is going down on a hooker... really having great time and suddenly he stops, pops-up looking confused and takes a kernel of corn out of his mouth.
He goes back to it with gusto, good for him, getting his money's worth... he kinda' swirls around a bit hesitantly though for a second and pop-back-up again and looks at her while she turns the page and pulls out a hair and then a piece of carrot. He looks at it inquisitively but is not deterred. He is havin' a good time tonight goddamn-it, he earned it and what-the-hell... back at it...
Ok.. this is the last damn straw, as he spits out the pea... "lady are you sick or sum-in?'
Turning the page...."No, but the guy before you was".
How does a redneck mom know that her daughter has begun menstruating?
Her son's dick tastes different.
Q: What do you call two lesbians on their period?
A: Fingerpainting
Q: How do you get a gay guy, to fuck a chick?
A: Shit in her cunt.
If a man sucks one cock and then builds one hundred bridges what is he?
A cock sucker.
What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?
I'm not sure, but that fucker sure can pick lettuce!
I was surprised when JFK, Jr.'s plane went down.
I thought the Kennedys drown their whores one at a time...
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2.
The problem is getting them in the bulb.
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][SIZE=2]The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room.
"I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."
The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side. [/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][SIZE=2]The next morning he asked for his bill.
"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.
"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.
"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today." [/SIZE][/FONT]
There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."
A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach.
On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.
The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.
The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon.
Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" The wife again refuses.
This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her and each morning the wife would refuse.
However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"
The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" she asks, hesitantly.
"I don't rightly know, replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon."
How do you stop five niggers from raping a white woman?
Toss 'em a basketball.
These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"
A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. She's already been told twice.
Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day his mother tells him that "Tomorrow is a special day and if you pray extra hard tonight you'll be able to see tomorrow for the first day in your life!" Little Herbie - "Really Mom" Mom - "yes little Herbie". So little Herbie goes to bed and prays his ass off. The next morning he wakes up and before he opens his eyes he prays some more. Finally he opens his eyes and...Nothing - Blind as a bat! "MOMMY MOMMY" he screams..Mom comes in "What is it Little Herbie?" little Herbie- "I still can't see!" Mommy - "I know Little Herbie, APRIL FOOLS!"
Did you hear about the new Jewish car?
It can stop on a dime, and pick it up, too.
Why do women have legs?
So they don't leave a trail like a slug.
what sort of file do you need to make a hole this big o, this big O?
a paedophile....
How many Jews fit into a VW Beetle?
2 in the front, 2 in the back, and 100 in the ashtrays.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Can I have your Phillies tickets?:right:
Local joke.
What's the difference between an epileptic corn-shucker and a diarhettic whore?
The first one shucks and has the fits...
Can I have your Phillies tickets?:right:
Local joke.
Oof.
What's the difference between a poor golfer and a poor skydiver?
A poor golfer goes "Whack! Shit!"
**********
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
A pickpocket snatches watches.
What's the difference between a pigmy tribe and a girls' field hockey team?
A pigmy tribe is a bunch of cunning runts and a girls hockey team is a bunch of running cunts.
what's the difference between a snow tire and an african american?
When you put chains on it, the snow tire doesn't sing the blues.
Uh, won't let me edit...here's the link I forgot:
http://www.jesusoftheweek.com/Why do Jews have big noses?
Air is free.
How do you keep black kids from jumping on the beds?
Velcro on the ceiling.
How do you keep black kids quiet in the car?
Wet their lips and stick them to the windows.
A black and a mexican are in the cop car.
Who's driving?
The white cop.
Ok I just finished reading all 18 pages to make sure it wasn't a re-post.
Q.) What's the worst part of eating bald pussy
A.) Re-fastening the diaper
How many dead babies does it take to paint a building?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
How many dead babies does it take to paint a building?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
:devil:
That is the opener for my next meeting!
--------
How did Helen Keller get carpel tunnel syndrome?
Jerking off with one hand, moaning with the other.
Know how to castrate a redneck?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
Why did God give women yeast infections?
So that they would know what it's like living with an irritating cunt.
What's easier to unload: a truck full of dead babies or a truck full of bowling balls?
Dead babies, because you can use pitchforks.
I may have posted this before, but I was reminded of it by thechucks post..
what's the worst part about eating a vegetable?
getting her back in the wheelchair!
Ya know why babies have that soft spot in their skull?
That's so ya can carry them five to a hand.
A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America !"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Africa !"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."
This is bad so if you are easily offended please skip... I heard these almost right away after moving to the deep south.
How do you keep niggers out of your backyard...
Hang one in the front.
I'm not easily offended, but that one offended me.
I thought it was stupid. If it's going to be racist, it should at least be funny.
What do you call an African-American man who flies plane's for a living?
i'm going to get my 10 ft pole so i can NOT touch that.
a pilot, you racist son of a bitch!
What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt Sr. have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.
Damn I live in MS. and I can't think of a nigger joke. Wonder why?
Maybe because some of us don't see any humor?
What do you call an African-American man who flies plane's for a living?
Someone who hasn't got the hang of apostrophe+S ? ;) :p
Yeah, the plane's -- what? Horizontal stabilizer?
And how many Vulcan first officers does it take to change a light bulb?
*
*
*
*
One.
Someone who hasn't got the hang of apostrophe+S ? ;) :p
DAM YOU MONS'TER!
it's spelled damN.
Good one, lumberjimN
it's spelled damN.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOE!
What's grey, sits in the corner and takes the piss out of people?
A dialysis machine.
What's blue and fucks old ladies?
Hypothermia.
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs smoking?
Stephen Hawking in a house-fire.
Did we ever find out what we DO call an African-American man who flies planes for a living?
...only if you've not much to do at the moment - don't put off anything important to let me know... I've bags of time right now....
Oh yeah, I see it now - got a bit lost with everything else going on around it at the time.
You racist son of a bitch.
I think this fits here...
.
He's certainly being given a hard time - by all and sundry
americans want to know too?
So Michael Barrymore got it in the pool with a dildo. But why do we care? And is that actually even *unusual* these days?
Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.
Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!
Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.
So Michael Barrymore got it in the pool with a dildo. But why do we care? And is that actually even *unusual* these days?
Not quite Patrick. The death of Stuart Lubbock at Barrymore's house after a drug-laden gay party, failed to be solved. All the guests clammed up and Barrymore, whose antics had generally been tolerated by the media and public up until then, fell totally out of favour and has never recovered. An-ill-fated attempt to regain favour by appearing on Celebrity Big Brother last year created the same rejection.
His arrest awakens the belief ( albeit so far unfounded) that he was implicated in the guy's death (found drowned face down in Barrymore's pool, full of drugs and sexually abused). The Cluedo photo is somewhat typical of the way such situations are so often tastelessly satirised.
[SIZE="3"]Q:[/SIZE] What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
[SIZE="3"]A:[/SIZE] Nothing, she's already been told twice.
Not quite Patrick. The death of Stuart Lubbock at Barrymore's house after a drug-laden gay party, failed to be solved...
Thanks for the summary, CF. I usually have a hard time with pop-culture references like this..
Why did god make white chocolate?
So black children can smear something on their face.
---------------------------------
What do Virginia Tech & Mount Everest have in common?
Both are Minus 33 and have killer slopes!
---------------------------------
I had some money I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange
window at my local bank. I was in the short line......just one person ahead of
me, an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. He was more
than a little agitated. He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday I get
two hunat dolla for yen, today get one hunat eighty: Why it change?"
The teller replied, "Fluctuations".
The Asian man yells, "Fluc you white guys, too!"
---------------------------------
Why couldn't Chris Benoit kiss his son goodnight?
Because the pillow was in the way.
---------------------------------
How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
---------------------------------
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2. The problem is getting them in there.
Q: you know why a womans pussy and asshole are so close together?
A: So you can carry them home like a 6 pak, when they get drunk at a party.:thumb2:
Why are pubic hairs curly? So they won't poke your eyes out.
Sorry, thought it was a "tasty joke" thread.
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are standing in divorce court awaiting the judge to begin deliberations when the judge says "Mickey, it says here you want to divorce Minnie because she acts silly. That doesn't sound like a very good reason to me, would you care to explain yourself?" At which point Mickey stands and says in his squeky voice "Your honor, I didn't say I want to divorce her because she acts silly, I said I wanted to divorce her because she's fucking Goofy!"
Why do cowboys have brown noses?
Look'in for love in all the wrong places.
What do Virginia Tech & Mount Everest have in common?
Both are Minus 33 and have killer slopes!
---------------------------------
Why couldn't Chris Benoit kiss his son goodnight?
Because the pillow was in the way.
omg too soon!
[COLOR=#000080]Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=#000080]Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.[/COLOR]
omg too soon!
Thank you.
---------
Q: What's the difference between a microwave and anal sex?
A: A microwave won't brown your meat.
---------
Guy walks into a bar and says "All lawyers are assholes".
This big fellow in a suit whips around and says "Hey, I resent that."
"Yeah, well are you a lawyer?" he asks.
"No" says the big guy, "I'm an asshole."
Not an actual joke per se, but...
As I was out walking the other night, I thought about playing a practical joke on an Arab family that lives down the street from us.
I thought about taking their shoes and placing them directly in front of their door, sole side up.
(Let's see how many people get this, and how long it takes. :))
(Yes...I know...I'm a sick fuck. :))
We did something similar to an instructor when I was in Arabic class, we all crossed our legs sole facing the door. When he walked in, we realized we'd forgotten he doesn't get 'humour' per se. He just yelled at us for an hour :(
Ok, what's the meaning of Arabs seeing shoe soles?
Well, it's more the bottom of your feet. They just see it as a big insult, as it's the dirtiest part of you. Common insult would be Qundirah Ibn Qundirah or something like it. "Shoe son of a shoe."
So if you ever meet an Arab (most get over this one after about a year and they realize we don't think of it as an insult) make it a point to keep both feet facing the floor.
It's really more of a manners / etiquette issue. If you were sitting with someone and crossed your legs, it's considered impolite to have the bottom of your shoe facing them. The act of the shoes by themselves being upside down facing them is really nothing.
I guess that depends on country. I've known an arab to assign an insult to an up-facing shoe.
Wait a second, people; remember all those Iraqis using the soles of their shoes to smack images of Saddam with? There's a reason they were using their shoes and a reason they were using the soles.
Arab streets have long been unclean places, and that's been true up until quite recently. While not showing shoe sole is a tradition, it is one with a serious material reason. It can be found in Islamic societies that are not by any stretch Arab; keep your soles to yourself in Turkey, too.
Q:How do you spot a Jewish pedophile?
A: He's behind a bush asking kids if they would like to buy some candy.
Terrible...I know.
Original Joke:
Маленький мальчик в песочке играл,
Тихо подъехал к нему самосвал.
Не было слышно ни крика, ни стона —
Только сандали торчат из бетона.
Translation to English:
A boy played in the sandbox with no one to mind him,
When quietly a mixing truck pulled up behind him.
He peeped not a peep, cried out nary a cry —
Just his sandals stuck out when the concrete was dry.
Pavarotti is standing at the pearly gates.
St Peter opens them and says 'oh it's you Luciano, come on in, squeeze
through'.
Pavarotti says 'hold on, i've got an envelope for you, from the pope.'
St Peter opens it up and reads it.
'HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU'
How is an Italian woman like a hockey goalie? They both wear the same pads for three periods.
pikey goes to the doctors and asks for the pill for his 11 year old daughter, is she sexualy active?, the doctor asks
no,replied the pikey, she just lies there like her fuckin mother!
Paedo - check
Incest - check
Sexism - check
The perfect tasteless joke
(I laughed)
There's a new car on the market. Great for families. You can fit two kids in the back and one in the boot...it's called the Renault McCann.
*checks calendar* yep, it's been long enough. that's funny dana.
*Grins* yeah.....I think I've been awfully restrained waiting...
how do ya make a woman scream twice?
fuck her up the arse then wipe it on the curtains!
Husband emerged from the bathroom naked, and was climbing into bed, when he's wife complained as usual "I have a headache."
"Perfect" says husband, "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with asprin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, its up to you.
I was walking down the road earlier, and there was a blind man at the cash machine he said to me, "excuse me sir, can you please check my balance for me?"
I said to him, "of course I don't mind." And I pushed him over.
lol that second one was very funny
why are there so many pedophiles in england?
i think it must be all those sexy kids!
not super dirty but pretty funny i thought:
Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.
Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!
:lol: Oh my god, I laughed my ass off at that last one, rex.
alright i got two awesome ones:
Q: whats the difference between a regular jew and a black jew?
A: the black jew has to sit at the back of the oven.
Q: why do girls love jesus?
A: because he was hung
trulytasteless
So many crap jokes repeated like 5 times... you guys suck.. I thought this was a tasteless joke page, not an unfunny racist one.
anyway, heres some that haven't been done yet on here, getting progressively worse...
Q: What do you call a female police officer who shaves her pubes?
A: Cuntstubble
Q: Whats got 8 legs and scares the fuck out of women?
A: Gangrape
Q: Whats the difference between Madeline McCann and Madeline McCann jokes?
A: The jokes will get old (Although this one doesn't :D)
Q: Why did the necrophiliac get caught?
A: Some rotten cunt split on him!
Q: How do you make a baby cry twice?
A: Wipe your bloody cock on it's teddy bear
knock knock.
who's there?
911.
911 who?
What? You forgot already?
i think its better told like this:
knock knock
who's there?
world trade center
wtc who?
i thought you said you'd never forget?
----
what's the difference between george bush and a bucket of shit?
the bucket.
----
why is divorce so expensive?
because it's worth it.
----
what did one gerbil say to the other gerbil?
lets go to the gay bar and get shit-faced.
----
what's brown and sticky?
a stick.
----
how do you starve a *insert ethnic slur* person?
hide his foodstamps in his work boots.
----
what is long, hard, and full of se(a)men?
a submarine.
----
did you hear about the mathematician with constipation?
he worked it out with a pencil
----
did you hear about the sky-diving blind guy?
scared the hell out of the dog.
----
a guy on vacation sees a crippled girl crying at the beach. he asks her what's wrong. she says she's never been hugged. so he gives her a hug and she stops crying. the next day he sees her crying again, cause she has never been kissed. he kisses her and she cheers up. the following day, he sees her more sad than ever. she says she's never been fucked. so he throws her in the ocean and says now you're fucked!
---
three guys stranded on a desert island find a genie in a bottle who grants them each a wish. the first wishes to be back home, and *poof* he disappears. the second wishes to be far away in paradise, and *poof* off he goes. the third guy says "i'm lonely, i wish my friends were back here."
----
three kids come down for breakfast. their mom asks the oldest "what would you like for breakfast?" to which he responds "make me some fuckin pancakes!" appalled at his language, the mother sends him to his room without food. "what would YOU like for breakfast?" she asks the second child. "more fuckin pancakes for me!" he exclaims, only to be sent to his room as well. "well sweetie" the mother says to the youngest, "what would you like?" the kid says "i dunno mom, but i definitely don't want any fuckin pancakes!"
----
so i go to the shrink. he says "you're crazy!" i tell him i'm gonna need to get a second opinion. so he says "okay, you're ugly too!"
I just wanted to point out this item...
Louis CK on tomorrow night if you have showtime...which I don't...:(
http://www.louisck.net/Women Are Evil By Nature...
=====================
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She
gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her
immediately. She seductively signaled that he
should bring his face closer to hers. As he did,
she gently caressed his full beard.
'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face
with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said,
running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there
anything I can do?'
'Yes, I need you to give him a message,' she continued,
running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and
slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and
allowing him to suck them
gently. 'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered, 'there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or
paper towels in the ladies room.'
Well, guys. It gives me some idea of the character of the individuals I've been spending my time with in other threads.
And I'm very disappointed. This thread is not just childish. It's hateful.
It reflects badly on any community that would tolerate it without speaking out against it.
I'm not believing your self-righteous statements in other threads that you're not homophobic, anti-semitic or racists.
At what point did it become illegal to be homophobic?
I tend to agree that if someone doesn't like it, don't look at it.
Personally I think most of them are funny if you don't take everything so seriously. It's a JOKE, it's supposed to be funny.
Source
So using the logic here we have the ability to distinguish between a 'normal' crime....
A white guy beating a white guy to death with a baseball bat
Or a hate crime....
A white guy beating a black guy to death with a baseball bat.
One is of course, by nature, NOT hateful.
Good gracious - that was posted 5 YEARS ago. Who cares at this point? Oh and welcome aboard the cellar.
What is black and white and red all over? A Race riot.
Would it still be funny if it was not offensive?
Welcome to the Cellar, wiley. :D
Sometimes....when you cry....no one sees your tears..
Sometimes....when you are in pain...no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes....when you are worried....no one sees your stress.
Sometimes....when you are happy.....no one sees your smile...
But...
Just try masturbating on a bus one time and just see how much fucking attention you get!
What do rednecks do on Halloween?
:Pump-Kin
And a new contender enters the ring...
Quote:
Extreme hate crimes tend to be committed by people with a history of antisocial behavior. One of the most heinous examples took place in June 1998 in Jasper, Texas. Three men with jail records offered a ride to a black man who walked with a limp. After beating the victim to death, they dragged him behind their truck until his body was partially dismembered.
PARTIALLY DISMEMBERED! ... TEXANS never could finish a God Damn Thing! Probably pushed it off on a couple of Mexicans, who were too lazy to do it and found a group of Cubans to do it for twelve cents, who sold it to the Chinese guy as Dog, who cleaned it and sold it to the Japanese Dude saying it was the new Beef, who put panties on it and Fucked it before he threw those panties on eBay and re-sold the carcass as Art to a Stupid American who propped it up in their livingroom and blamed the smell of Death and Sex on the Stupid Pollocks that delivered it.
(Turns out those Pollocks were actually Dutch, which explains everything!)
P.S. FUCK YOU NIC!
What. Duh. Fuuuuuuuuuuu?
And how does Jackson Pollock's family fit into this whole deal?
Pollocks. snort.
Well, guys. It gives me some idea of the character of the individuals I've been spending my time with in other threads.
And I'm very disappointed. This thread is not just childish. It's hateful.
It reflects badly on any community that would tolerate it without speaking out against it.
I'm not believing your self-righteous statements in other threads that you're not homophobic, anti-semitic or racists.
... that was eight fucking years ago!
...aaaand Never Mind The Pollocks. [COLOR="Magenta"]It's The Sex Pistils...[/COLOR]
what do you call an italian with a yeast infection?
wopper with cheese
what do you call an ethiopian with a yeast infection?
quarter pounder with cheese!
Why isn't there any portuguese people on star trek?
cause they don't work in the future either!
What's the difference between a woman and a fridge ?
Have you ever heard a fridge fart when you take out the meat ? :rolleyes:
[YOUTUBE]VDAxDA---zU[/YOUTUBE]
huh.... there's a whole shit ton of these:
[YOUTUBE]9DaSh3jF76s[/YOUTUBE]
Whats the difference between paki-dots and turbins?
push start and pull start!
How do you separate the Greek men from the Greek boys?
with a crowbar!
Why have they never sent a woman to the moon?
because is doesn't need cleaning!
Q: What's a nigger in the Mississipi ?
A: Pollution.
Q: What are all the niggers in the Mississipi ?
A: Solution
Did you say tasteless ? Yeah !
Q: What's the difference between a normal dog and a French dog ?
A: A normal dog has its asshole under the tail, the French dog has its asshole at the end of the leash.
George Bush, the Pope, Michael Jackson and three kids are on a plane.
The plane is crashing and their only three parachutes.
The Pope says "Save The Children!"
George Bush says "F*** The Children!"
And MIchael Jackson goes "Is There Time?"
Q: What animal has 4 legs and 1 arm ?
A: A pitbull in kindergarden.
Clean "Tomatoes" Joke
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
Yeah...I was going to post pulp fiction. lol
The whole world could be happy
Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans.
Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy."
Hillary: "Well, why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy."
Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy."
Tipper: "Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy."
The guide to wife translations
The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want
The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want
The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious
The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later
The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain
The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to
The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron
The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot
The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.
The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.
The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!
The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.
The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!
The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.
The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.
The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.
The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.
The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.
The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.
The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]
The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No
The wife says: No
The wife means: No
The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No
The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry
The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it
The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.
The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him
The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!
In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.
The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.
The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.
The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.
Q: How can you make a dog sound like a cat?
A: Put the dog 24 hours in the freezer. Fire up a circular saw and ....
Mmmmmeeeeeoooooooow....
How do you make a cat sound like a dog?
Soak it in gasoline, light a match and ...
Wooooooooooooof
[YOUTUBE]http://www.metacafe.com/watch/697234/zebra_horse_zorse/[/YOUTUBE]
Q: What's the difference between jam and jelly?
A: You can not "jelly" your girlfriend's ass!
Q: How can you make a dog sound like a cat?
A: Put the dog 24 hours in the freezer. Fire up a circular saw and ....
Mmmmmeeeeeoooooooow....
How do you make a cat sound like a dog?
Soak it in gasoline, light a match and ...
Wooooooooooooof
:lol: you bad boys.
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence....
.....a life sentence.
Marriage quotes
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring
A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he's looking for a blow up doll.
The woman asks "Would you like a christian or muslim doll?"
Confused the man says "What's the difference?"
"Well," replies the woman, "the muslim one blows herself up!"
Mommy, Mommy, what happened to all your scabs?
Shut up, and eat your corn flakes.
Who were the world's fastest readers?
The World Trade Center employees.
Reason: They can go through dozens of stories in less than 10 seconds.
On one fine night, Charlie Chaplin went to fancy dress competition............He won seventh prize!!!:lol2:
Daddy, I need to poo.
NO
Daddy, I need to poo.
NO
Daddy, I need to poo.
OK, I'll take my dick out.
Well, it did say tasteless jokes.
That's why I posted it here.
And although it's tasteless, I dare say it leaves a shitty taste in the mouth.
That's why I posted it here.
And although it's tasteless, I dare say it leaves a shitty taste in the mouth.
:lol2:
I think you won the thread! :eek:
I'm happy to have brought you a bit of fun.
I'm usually a winner when it comes to tasteless jokes ;) even at my own expense
Daddy,Daddy,why is Mummy running right and left through the garden?
Shut the fuck up and give me another magazine!
A Chew Toy For The First Dog
Among those who will receive gifts from the Obamas this Christmas is Bo, the First Dog. The Obamas will give Bo a chew toy. Coincidentally, this is also the same present they will give Joe Biden.
Whats the difference between pink and purple? Your grip.
A young boy comes to his father:
"Daddy, I've just made love!"
"Oh! Really?! And when will you do it again?"
"Well, I don't really know, my asshole is very sore..."
Q: What do you do after shaking the hand of a leper?
A: You give it back
Gary Coleman's personalized coffin
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I laughed.
Then I felt bad.
Is this supposed to make us jump to the
Suspended Animation thread ?
:3eye:
Q: What do you call an anorexic girl with an std?
A: A quarter pounder with cheese
Redneck Paw and Redneck Son sharing a bath
Redneck Son says " Paw this wanking is great fun"
"Yup" says Redneck Paw "And when you're older you get to use your own cock"
Q: How do you know if your girlfriend's too young for you?
A: You have to make aeroplane noises to get your dick in her mouth.
There's a visual for ya...
What's the difference between Obama and his aunt?
No seriously what's the difference.
Two Gynaecology Students were sitting in the canteen after morning classes having a coffee when one turned to the other and said" well you know it's funny we get to examine women of ages in their 20's to 40's amd from 50's to 60's but never any older say in their 70's and 80' an maybe even older,why is that"?
The other student looked at him in complete disbelief "My God man are you completely sick, fuck have you ever tried to open a cheese toastie"?
:eek:
ahahhahah
very funny and cool, thanks for post, any more?
Q: Why does every space agency send women in space?
A: They weigh less than a dishwasher.
Q: How do you know if your girlfriend's too young for you?
A: You have to make aeroplane noises to get your dick in her mouth.
lol
Is that from Jimmy Carr?
I don't know...
I got it in french and did the translation...
ahahhahah
very funny and cool, thanks for post, any more?
hahahaha I know this funny is the most for me! Thank for the post of yours!
snorting out loud, at work.
The top ten signs that someone is using your e-mail account
10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our driveway?"
9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping cuffs on you.
8. Apparently, your flame war with [email]DonCorleone@mafia.com[/email] is about to turn ugly.
7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000 and change.
4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the cover of Business Week.
3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.
2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani mail-order bride, has arrived.
1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you immediately."
If it is true that you are what you eat then I am....
.... a pussy.
Q: How many babies does it take to paint a room?
A: One... If you throw it hard enough
Pick the odd one out: a woman, a washing machine, a toaster and the garden hose?
The toaster, the rest leak when they're fucked.
how did canada get its name?
You take a C eh, and an N eh, and you take a D eh
view from a black man in a well
Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice
[COLOR="LemonChiffon"].[/COLOR]
Q: Why do men have assholes?
A: So they won't be total pricks.
Q: What does Kurt Cobain and Michaelangelo have in common?
A: They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.
That was awful - but it made me laugh!
I told my daughter, she's in the shower now and I can still hear her giggling.
How are Michael Phelps and Hitler different?
Phelps can finish a race.
There was a news report that
the flood in Pakistan was the act of a
Suicide Plumber
whats the worse part of being a black jew?
having to stand at the back of the oven.
Just to point out, i'm not racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Q : What Pinkfloyd and Lady Di have in common ?
A: Their last great hit was the Wall.
What is a white person answer to daycare,
a deadbolt
Q: What’s the difference between a pedophile and acne?
A: Acne waits for the kid to be at least 12 before coming on his face.
Q: What’s the difference between a bicycle and a kid?
A: Your bike doesn’t cry when you ride it.
Q: Why do Jews pick their noses?
A: Because its cheaper than tissue
· I’m living next door to a Lebanese couple at the moment. They have 3 little kids and they’ve challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so I’m just writing to you while the kettle boils!
· Can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia . He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video – its fucking hilarious.
· I’ve caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, "good morning you ugly prick?" It’s not yours is it?
· I’m sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.
· Been to the optometrist today – he told me I was color blind. I’m fuckin' worried now that some of my buddies could be black.
If you are, can you delete my e-mail address?
· There’s a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain.
· I failed my biology exam today. I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells.
Apparently, Latinos and black rapists is not the correct answer.
Q: Why do women prefer hunters ?
A: Hunters don't hesitate to go into the bush, they always shot twice and they eat everything they take a shot at....
Little Jhonny comes to see his father :
"Dad, how do you spell... 'clitoris'?"
"You should have asked yesterday evening, I had it on the tip of my tongue."
Wanted a really a really dirty one?
Stop washing your genitals for two months....
Isn't taking pictures a no-no in Islam? After all, that's why they have all those scrolls and arabesque things on their architecture instead of images.
Q: What is the animal that is the hardest to kill?
A: The woman
Reason: One discharge in the belly, two balls in the ass, and she's still squirming....
Yes and no Scriveyn. Some Muslims do think that taking pictures of animate objects goes against the word of Allah with regard to how he will treat them, as image makers, on the Day of Resurection.
Most though consider this only to refer to the sort of 'worshipping false idols' thing that is similar to the Christian view point.
Only the most extreme would argue against essential photos such as those for driving licences or passports. There is no argument that 'Wanted' posters are always acceptable.
Now, back to the tasteless material....
Just to point out, i'm not racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
That's just wrong. Funny as hell, but wrong...:headshake
Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims..
"YOU MIGHT BE A MUSLIM IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun & $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. Your cousin is president of the United States
"The trouble with Obama jokes is Obama's supporters don't think they're funny and nobody else thinks they're jokes."
What's the difference between a virgin, a whore and a bitch?
Well, a virgin fucks with no one, the whore fucks with anyone....
...and the bith fucks with anyone....
... but you!
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary, 'Somewhere I haven't been for a long time' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
What's the difference between an angry man and a gay Arab?
One of them is shaking a fist; the other is fisting a Sheikh.
What's the difference between an angry man and a gay Arab?
One of them is shaking a fist; the other is fisting a Sheikh.
Great!
What do spinach and anal sex have in common?
If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.
Mohamed's first day of school
Mohamed entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohamed," he replied.
"You're in America now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin."
Mohamed returned home after school.
"How was your day, Mohamed?" his mother asked.
"My name is not Mohamed. I'm in America and now my name is Kevin."
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat him.
Then she called his father, told him what happened and he beat him again.
The next day Mohamed returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises.
"What happened to you, Kevin? she asked.
"Well ma'am, shortly after becoming an American, I was attacked by two fuckin' Arabs
A guy gets out of prison after two years. His wife and kids pick him up at the main gate.
The guy says to his wife, "F.F." His wife responds, "E.F." The man says, no "F.F." The wife says, "No way-E.F."
This goes on for about five minutes before one of the kids asks, " What the hell are you people talking about?"
The father responds " Your mom wants to eat first."
What's red, screams and goes around in circles?
A baby with its foot nailed to the floor.
Two years ago, for Valentine's Day you gave her flowers. They lasted a day.
Last year, you gave her a box of chocolates. It lasted a week.
This year, give her herpes. It'll last forever.
Bob walks into his local pharmacy and the pharmacist say:
- "Hey there Bob, what can I get ya?"
- "A box of condoms" replies Bob.
- "Condoms?" says the pharmacist. "You and the wife having safe sex now.?"
- "Naw, there for my daughter" says Bob.
- "Your daughter?Cindy! Shes only 15. Your daughter is sexually active at 15?!" says the pharmacist.
- "Active! Hell no she isnt active" says Bob. "She practically just lays there!"
What's the difference between a whore and a pet shop seller ?
The whore can sell the same pussy more than once...
...provided that is has been cleaned
The Eagles announced on their FB page that ex-coach Buddy Ryan is battling cancer. I got on there and posted, "beat this like an offensive coordinator."
we should be getting some great new Godzilla films out of Japan in the next few years!
(maybe not exactly a joke, but certainly tasteless)
Unrelated to the article, but at the bottom I noticed this:
Below is a selection of your comments.
I wish more news organizations would do this. We can allow the well-reasoned dissenting comments, but clear out the spam and illiterate/racist nonsense, while still maintaining our Web 2-point-schmo credibility, right?
You're so highbrow. I went straight to sickipedia. Admittedly, I was disappointed but at least I tried.
What has more brain than Kurt Cobain?
His ceiling.
What has more brain than Kurt Cobain?
His ceiling.
saw his jacket at the hard rock cafe in las vegas years ago. shame what he did. join the "27 club" and all. joplin, morrison, hendrix....cobain. who have i forgotten?
What has more brain than Kurt Cobain?
His ceiling.
I heard it "What's red and white, and has more brains than Kurt Cobain? Kurt Cobain's living room wall."
Still funneh, tho. And tasteless.
What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
We’d eat pussy every Thanksgiving.
This one was used as an icebreaker during a language class that I attended a couple of weeks ago. I can guarantee you that it is the only thing from that class that anyone will remember.
Q: What is the difference between a vet and a dentist?
A: Vets can't marry their patients.
BREAKING NEWS
All mini-marts, convenient stores, hotels, Duncan Donuts and 7-11's will be closed this week due to death in family.
What's 3 feet tall, is black and blue, and gives great head?
My ten year old son.
Pippa Middleton's arse is like a JK Rowling book.
You know Harry's going to be in it.
The Royal Wedding, live on YouTube.
The Royal Honeymoon, live on RedTube.
The Royal Wedding, live on YouTube.
The Royal Honeymoon, live on RedTube.
The Royal colonoscopy, live on InnerTube.
How many Vietnam Vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb.
You don't know, man, you weren't THERE!
:bolt:
(In my defense, the VVs I've told this joke to thought it was pretty funny.)
How many SEALS does it take to screw in a lightbulb....?
:bolt: :bolt:
:lol:
How many SEALS does it take to screw in a lightbulb....?
:bolt: :bolt:
:lol:
It depends on which news source you ask.
And they'll never get a commendation from the House anyway. :D
Comedian Jeff Foxworthy being politically incorrect on Muslims...
IF......
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
You may be a Muslim
3. You have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
You may be a Muslim
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof, and suicide.
You may be a Muslim
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
You may be a Muslim
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Muslim
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim
Snopes says it's not from Foxworthy.
I didn't think it was particularly funny.
Oh, be nice. It's in the Tasteless Jokes thread. Every single joke in here has been racist or otherwise horribly offensive. I can think of several that were far worse, most involving sex and children. Don't start a flame war today.
I used to go out with a Muslim woman but her views on suicide bombing were too much to take. She eventually went off with someone else.
I used to go out with a Muslim woman but her views on suicide bombing were too much to take. She eventually went off with someone else.
See, now that is tasteless and racist but it's also funny.
Tasteless... OK. But it can't be a racist joke...
Islam being a religion, a muslim doesn't belong to a specific race.
True enough. Except that 'muslim' is generally used as a shorthand to describe people of a particular ethnicity.
It's the same argument used by the British National Party to protect themselves when they say things like 'muslims are like cockroaches infesting our country, and what do we do with cockroaches ?'
Obviously had they said 'Pakistanis are like cockroaches infesting our country and what do we do with cockroaches?' they'd fall foul of our racehate laws.
Snopes says it's not from Foxworthy.
meh - got an email .... slow night, slight thread bump...
I didn't think it was particularly funny.
Unnecessary.
Oh, be nice. It's in the Tasteless Jokes thread. Every single joke in here has been racist or otherwise horribly offensive. I can think of several that were far worse, most involving sex and children. Don't start a flame war today.
thank you.
I wasn't trying to start a flame war. Seeing that this is the tasteless joke thread, I thought the joke's racist (poetic license taken, gunmaster) attributes were to its credit.
@ Classic. Ok, ya got me.
I've been mulling this over. Wondering why it is that your joke pissed me off yet I can happily read through this thread and not blanch at the anti-semitic, sexist and racist jokes throughout.
I think possibly because the anti-semitic jokes and the jokes about 'niggers' are so off the wall, so over the top and so unacceptable both in mainstream culture and Cellar culture that they fall under the category of 'ironic racism'. I read those jokes and am fairly sure that the poster doesn't actually subribe to those sentiments.
But every joke you post in this thread is anti-muslim. And that one you've posted twice.
It's starting to feel less like you posting tasteless jokes and more like you using this as a forum for anti-muslim sentiment.
Maybe I'm wrong. But anti-muslim humour and anti-muslim sentiment is pretty much mainstream in general culture as in the Cellar. So I don't read those jokes and assume that the poster is being ironic, unless the poster is one I feel fairly sure is not anti-muslim.
And to lighten the mood:
Q: What's the first thing a woman does after she leaves a battered women's shelter?
A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her.
But every joke you post in this thread is anti-muslim. And that one you've posted twice.
Really? Wow, you have a much better memory than I. Or perhaps you searched for that? I couldn't tell you the last one I posted here before this one. Did I really post this one twice? I don't even remember reading it before.
If I get an email from someone and its tasteless ... sorta funny sometimes I'll post it. Others not. I certainly don't go looking for them.
It's starting to feel less like you posting tasteless jokes and more like you using this as a forum for anti-muslim sentiment.
Really? Wow! That's pretty cold.
Maybe I'm wrong. But anti-muslim humour and anti-muslim sentiment is pretty much mainstream in general culture as in the Cellar. So I don't read those jokes and assume that the poster is being ironic, unless the poster is one I feel fairly sure is not anti-muslim.
I am fairly certain I am not anti-muslim, if that helps.
ok. I might be being a little oversensitive today. I'll accept that you don't actually subscribe to those views.
It's struck me a few times in this thread the number of jokes about muslims generally. And I do tend to remember who posts what when it comes to that sort of thing. Probably because it's the sort of thing I scan for. But yes, i did go searching as it happens. And every joke you've posted (as far as I could see)has been about muslims.
I accept that you just post the tasteless stuff that comes to you via email. But clearly whoever is sending you tasteless jokes has a particular penchant for muslim jokes.
You must have missed the Gary Coleman "custom casket"post ;)
ahhhh. Yes I must. Glad to be proved wrong on this one.
[ocd] oh yeah. I see it. It was the first one you posted in this thread I think. [/ocd]
Oh and I never said all the crap was from one person. I get tons of it - the vast majority gets pitched. I'll increase my filtering just for you.
Next up ... commie manc tarts. Now let me go see what I can find in my email trash.
A Mancunian, a Liverpudlian and a Pakistani are in the waiting room of a maternity ward. A mid-wife enters and explains that there has been a mix-up and that they are not sure whose baby belongs to who.
The new fathers decide to flip a coin to see who takes first pick of the babies, the Liverpudlian wins and returns from the ward carrying a distinctly brown baby. The Pakistani bloke enquired "don't you think you've made a mistake my friend? The scouser replied, "listen mate, there's two babies left in there and there's a 50:50 chance of picking a Manc. That's not a risk I'm willing to take!
Q: What do you call a Mancunian with no arms and legs?
A: Trustworthy.
A boy and a pedophile are out at night, walking towards the forest.
The boy says, "It's dark! I don't like it! I'm scared!"
The pedophile says, "You're scared?!
I've got to walk back out of here on my own!"
Or Dana....
Of all the jokes classic sees, only the muslim bashing ones rank as "tasteless" in his opinion.
Hmmm.
Ok. That's an interesting perspective shift.
The rest go into the regular humor thread.
How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.
How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.
How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb? CHANGE?!!!
How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.
How many tv evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.
How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb? None: Candles only.
How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb? What's a light bulb?
How many Polygamous Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!
How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
lol
How many Donald Trumps does it take to change a light bulb? None really. But he will tell you how he will change it, make it better and how proud of himself he will be after he changes it. And then the only thing he actually WILL change is his mind.
During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible. He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Bible."
After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend, I don't think the Bible mentions anything about PMS."
The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in scripture. During the following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter, and verse-by-verse.
On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible?"
The preacher smiled, opened his Bible, and began to read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
a priest and a rabbi see a little boy as they're walking down the street. the priest sneers and asks, "wanna screw that boy?"
the rabbi, confused, replies: "out of what?"
the worst part of being a black jew? standing at the back of the oven.
OK there are two Jews and a polock in this nazi death camp. The guard tells them if you can climb to the top of this 100 foot grease poll will give you your freedom. If not whatever your dad did for a living were going to do to your balls. The first jew climbs to the top and gets all the way up to the 50 slides back down crying. WHat did your dad do for a living the guard ask. He was a butcher. SO they chopped his balls off. The next jew climbs to the poll and he gets to the 75 he climbs to the top and slides down. His dad was a candle stick maker so the bunrt his balls off. THe POlock climbs all the way up to the 99 and slides all the way back down laughing. Why didn't you do it the guard asks. He replies, My dad was a lolly pop maker you have to suck my balls off.
The correct spelling is pollock.
And his Dad would have been a fish, so they had to wash his balls off.
I don't see the reason for mentioning the ethnicity of the players in this particular joke.
It's funnier this way because Jews are supposed to be more clever than everybody else ... they clearly were not in this joke ... I dunno.
OK there are two Jews and a polock in this nazi death camp. The guard tells them if you can climb to the top of this 100 foot grease poll will give you your freedom. If not whatever your dad did for a living were going to do to your balls. The first jew climbs to the top and gets all the way up to the 50 slides back down crying. WHat did your dad do for a living the guard ask. He was a butcher. SO they chopped his balls off. The next jew climbs to the poll and he gets to the 75 he climbs to the top and slides down. His dad was a candle stick maker so the bunrt his balls off. THe POlock climbs all the way up to the 99 and slides all the way back down laughing. Why didn't you do it the guard asks. He replies, My dad was a lolly pop maker you have to suck my balls off.
Have 2 Goals Wisdom and Common Sense
Clearly, you have achieved neither. Bigoted jerk. :eyebrow:
Clearly, you have achieved neither. Bigoted jerk. :eyebrow:
FTW
Imma merge this into the tasteless jokes thread. It qualifies.
Hi marks for tasteless, barely qualifies as a joke though.
"Polak", isn't it? Or "Polack"?
'cause the Po' lack a lot of things. :D
I crack me up.
I'm glad you mentioned merging the thread, because I could not work out why I made such a poe-faced response in The Tastless Jokes thread!
We haven't had any in a while.
C'mon, there are plenty of natural disasters going on, shouldn't jokes be pouring in?
(My excuse is that I'm on holiday until September, and my Mum won't forward things to me any more because I tell her off if they're racist or sexist (and not funny). Same as I don't get glurge, emails bout Jebus or anything she suspects I will immediately debunk.
Fair enough, just now I don't know what crazy shit she takes for fact....
I watched a recording of Amy Winehouse's funeral on TV last night. It was very moving, particularly when Elton John played his specially re-written version of Candle Under the Spoon.
OK there are two Jews and a polock in this nazi death camp. The guard tells them if you can climb to the top of this 100 foot grease poll will give you your freedom. If not whatever your dad did for a living were going to do to your balls. The first jew climbs to the top and gets all the way up to the 50 slides back down crying. WHat did your dad do for a living the guard ask. He was a butcher. SO they chopped his balls off. The next jew climbs to the poll and he gets to the 75 he climbs to the top and slides down. His dad was a candle stick maker so the bunrt his balls off. THe POlock climbs all the way up to the 99 and slides all the way back down laughing. Why didn't you do it the guard asks. He replies, My dad was a lolly pop maker you have to suck my balls off.
JB's joke spake: Bring all the goys to the yard.
you have outdone yourself, infy
What's the difference between a Western lift and a Somalian one ?
In Western countries, it is written: "Maximum: 8 persons / 630 Kg".
Why did the Greek son leave home? Because his father was always on his back.
Why did the son come back? He couldn't leave his brother's behind.
Why did he leave again?
He couldn't take it in the end.
Don't make fun of him, it's just the way he was reared.
Sounding like a diesel...
Old Sol Finkelstein, what a man.
At 15, he survived Bergen-Belsen only to be sent to Auschwitz.
He was on a detail that cleared out the gas chambers, and transported the bodies to the crematorium.
When the Allies liberated the camp, he walked 20 kilometers, barefoot, to a village where he was able to get medical treatment.
A year later, he managed to get himself to England, and there he hopped a tramp steamer to New York.
He worked 12 hours a day, and saved his money, and eventually bought a deli.
He worked in the deli for 50 years, meeting all sorts of people.
Mayor Lindsey.
Andy Warhol.
Johnny Carson.
John and Yoko.
At night, he trained for the Golden Gloves.
As a sparring partner, he knocked out Jack Dempsey, Cassius Clay, and George Foreman.
He went on to win the Golden Gloves on four separate occasions, earning himself the nickname "The Tough Jew".
Finally, he decided to sell the deli and retire.
The first week in Florida, he hits the Powerball for 304 million bucks.
The TV reporters love the story, and set up a news conference with him.
They relate his history, and ask him "What's the first thing you're going to do?"
"Well, I'm goin' build a statue honoring Adolph Hitler."
"What? You're kidding! Why him, of all people?"
Sol rolls up his left sleeve, exposing the number tattooed on his forearm.
"Well, he did give me the winning numbers..."
There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.
Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Didja hear about the Ethiopian that fell in the alligator pit?
He ate three of 'em before they got him out.
Three fags are sitting in a hot tub just relaxing when a huge glob of semen floats to the surface,
One of the fags looks up and says "Hey! Who farted?"
-----------
Have you ever heard the motto of the Greek army?
Never leave your buddy's behind.
-----------
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!”
-----------
Got this text from my brother recently.
It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while?
The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.
.... It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”
------------
I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
-------------
I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I fucked a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?
------------
The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?”
.... Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.
...I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
-------------
I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I fucked a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?
Those two are winners.:lol2:
A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan.
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof!
Not tasteless enough for you, V?
pretty tasteless, pretty funny.
like a good dead baby joke.
Whacko extremist.
ETA: sorry, Pavlovian reflex. Move along.
tommy
[YOUTUBE]dyNGQ2wUSVM[/YOUTUBE]
Did you hear about the football coach that got married?
He thought he was getting a tight end, but wound up with a wide receiver!
What does Michael Jackson and Burger King had in common?
They both sticked meat into 6 year old buns!
How is Michael Jackson like a sale at Aubert's ? (just for you, GM)
They both have boys underwear half off.
Not sure how that expression would translate in French.
What's light brown and comes in little white cans?
Michael Jackson
Classic, was that in the wrong thread?
Or do you simply count Tommy as a tasteless joke?
I mean I have to admit, it's not my favourite muscial...
SG:
classic made a joke
I responded,
he asked for clarification,
I clarified in the affirmative.
he replied "mission accomplished"
which prompted a brief spasm of cellar association by zen "whacko extremists"
followed by classic's association with "tommy" (tw).
and then, mercifully, it died.
Thanks V - I'll assume you are right. I was just gonna post
"I have no idea, I did that yesterday."
hahahhahahahahhaa goldfishbrain
Barbara Walters once visited a large Indian reservation to do a story. While she walked around talking to the inhabitants she spotted a young Brave with a single eagle feather sticking up in his headband. Barbara approached the man and asked him, "Excuse me, but what does your eagle's feather represent in your culture?"
The Brave looked at her a moment before thumping his fist against he chest and replying,
"Mmgh, it mean me have one wife!"
"Thank you," she replied and continued her walk through the village. A short time later she spotted another Brave, but this one had three eagle feathers sticking out from his headband. Curious she approached this Brave and asked, "Excuse me, but I've been told that the number of eagle's feathers you wear indicates the number of wives you have, is that true?"
The Brave looked at her for a moment before proudly thumping his chest and answered, "Mmgh, me wear three feathers because me have three wives!"
Somewhat astonished she thanked the Brave and continued on her way. Sometime later she eventually came across the Chief. This man had eagle feathers all over his body. From his impressive headdress, with feathers fanning out around his head and trailing down his back in two separate tails, to individual feathers sown onto the front of his deer-skin vest and down the sides of his deer-skin pants. Barbara couldn't begin to count them all. As she approached this imposing figure the Chief observed her with great intent.
"Excuse me, Chief. But I've come to understand that the number of eagle's feathers a Brave wears indicates the number of wives he has." Gesturing towards the Chief's outfit she says, "Surely these are ceremonial and don't actually represent the number of wives you have."
The Chief thumps his chest loudly before saying, "Mmgh, me have wives on this side of the mountain, me have wives on that side of the mountain, have one hundred wives right here in camp!" Again he thumped his chest loudly.
"Well," Barbara replied, "from a feminist point of view you should be hung."
Thumping his chest again the Chief leaned toward's Barbara and stated, "Mmgh, hung like buffalo!"
Barbara took an involuntary step back before saying, "Now wait a minute Chief, lets not get hostile!"
"Mmgh, hostile, dog style, any style!" The Chief replied as he took a menacing step towards her.
Barbara, frightened by this time took another step back and as she brought her hands up to her face she exclaimed, "Oh dear!"
At this point the Chief stopped, stood back for a second and then said, "Mmgh, no deer! Run too fast, ass too high."
SG:
classic made a joke
I responded,
he asked for clarification,
I clarified in the affirmative.
he replied "mission accomplished"
which prompted a brief spasm of cellar association by zen "whacko extremists"
followed by classic's association with "tommy" (tw).
and then, mercifully, it died.
:lol:
It's aliiiive! IIiiittt'ss aallliiiiiiveeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GunMaster, that is certainly tastless, but it's also shit.
At least, I'm in the right thread. ;)
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault “Clio” and the Ford “Taurus” they have designed the “Clitaurus.”
It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it – let alone turn it on – even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it, though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can’t get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one and replace it each year.
Some of these are a little offensive, but that's the point of tasteless jokes. They're quite funny, as long as they aren't taken so seriously.
How do you keep a moron in suspense?
I'll tell you later.
Q. How can you tell when a firefighter is dead????
A. The remote control slips from his hand.
Q. How do you name the son of a Puertorican and a blonde girl?
A. Retardo
THE ITALIAN ELBOW
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301.
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow , pusha button 301.
I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow , pusha 3.
When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow , hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ........
"What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido,
I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.
How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business ,
you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money,
a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "times up'?
I dunno if i already mentioned this one:
what sound do flat tires on an Italian car make?
dago wop wop wop
Why didn't the Puerto Rican girl's father want her to marry a black man?
He was afraid the kids would be too lazy to steal.
A young Second Lieutenant approaches the crusty old CSM and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.
The CSM replied, "It's history and tradition ... First we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable and also malleable. The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable. When you make Captain, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars. As a Colonel you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As a General, you are, obviously, a star. Does that answer your question?"
"Yes," said the Second Lieutenant, "but what about Majors and Lieutenant Colonels?"
"That goes waaaay back in history ... to the Garden of Eden even. You see we 've always covered our pricks with leaves."
What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew?
A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
What's the difference between an African American and a snow tire?
A snow tire doesn't sing the blues when you put chains on it.
oh man... that last one got a guffaw. I can't wait to tell it to my black friends!
A young Second Lieutenant approaches the crusty old CSM and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.
The CSM replied, "It's history and tradition ... First we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable and also malleable. The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable. When you make Captain, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars. As a Colonel you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As a General, you are, obviously, a star. Does that answer your question?"
"Yes," said the Second Lieutenant, "but what about Majors and Lieutenant Colonels?"
"That goes waaaay back in history ... to the Garden of Eden even. You see we 've always covered our pricks with leaves."
I"m lucky I did't have food in my mouth when I read that one.
Why don't Mexicans have cook-outs?
The beans keep falling through the grill.
Why do Polish men make lousy lovers?
They always wait for the swelling to go down.
Why don't Mexicans have cook-outs?
The beans keep falling through the grill.
So that's why they can't keep their mouths shut: they always spill the beans.
I"m lucky I did't have food in my mouth when I read that one.
Sure, you were lucky. What about meeting with one of these leaves wearer ?
Yea, they send them school to teach them how to be weenies. It used to be called Command and Shaft, now it's called Intermediate Level Education for Majors....apparently being a weenie is only intermediate level.
oooohhhhh i wish i were an oscar meyer weiner..... ahem. oh. never mind. carry on.
what do you call a black prostitute with braces??
a black and decker pecker wrecker
Mommy, what happened to all your scabs?
Hush, and eat your corn flakes.
If you have children, particularly teenagers, ask them to be careful about the photos they post on Facebook. Remind them that these will be the pictures the media use when they are kidnapped or murdered.
If you have children, particularly teenagers, ask them to be careful about the photos they post on Facebook. Remind them that these will be the pictures the media use when they kidnap and/or murder.
Also likely.
Why is cum white and piss yellow? So Italians can tell if they're coming or going.
A guy with Down syndrome goes up to an ice-cream truck.
"Can .. I .. have .. an .. ice ... cream?" he asks.
"Sure, mate, what flavour do you want?" says the ice cream guy.
"Doesn't .. matter ... I'm ... only ... going ... to ... drop ... it ..."
What do tightrope walking and getting a blow job from an 80yr old have in common?
You don't look down
Lol I got one! I made it up!
What do u call a bunch of adults with imaginary friends?
Christians.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
ba dum tssh
If God is the answer, what was the question?
What is the difference between Martin Luther King Day and St. Patricks Day?
Everyone wants to be Irish on St. Patrick's Day.
What is the difference between Martin Luther King Day and St. Patricks Day?
Everyone wants to be Irish on St. Patrick's Day.
Yep! They're green with envy!
From
http://anti-joke.com/
What happens when you breed a Siberian Tiger with a California Condor?
Nothing. The tiger does eat the condor though and you are found out by a neighbor and charged with animal neglect, animal cruelty, and possession of two endangered species. You are fined $100,000 and go to jail for 5 years during which you are sodomized.
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
Cancer.
I laughed at this. I think I'm going to Hell.
What's worse than being pushed out a 10th story window?
Catching your eye on a nail on the way down.
What did Helen Keller's parents get her for Christmas?
Nothing, because she couldn't play with anything anyway.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They beat her with sticks.
Why did Helen Keller wear tight pants?
So you could read her lips.
[YOUTUBEWIDE]4zSg0byBPP8[/YOUTUBEWIDE]
ouch.
That is tasteless. :)
From http://anti-joke.com/
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
Not funny. I prefer this one :
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm in your apple after taking a bite.
May be something lost in translation. The joke you cited is the original joke. Anti-joke is a site where well known jokes are re-told with the usual setup, (what's worse than finding a worm in your apple?) but with an un-funny and un-expected or ironic punchline.
In otherwords it's supposed to be not funny.
What can I say? Remeber we're the people who gave you Jerry Lewis.
Reminds me of:
[YOUTUBE]svLyyzBC_qI[/YOUTUBE]
My mistake then. I thought it was supposed to be funny.
How about:
Two Corsicans are sleeping in a tree and the one in the lower branches calls up to the one in the upper branches and asks, "Hey, man. Do me a favor; look down here and tell me if my zipper is open."
The one above says, "Leave me alone, I'm trying to sleep."
The first one says again, "Come on, man. Just look down and tell me if my zipper is open."
"No, fuck off; I'm sleeping."
The first one says with resignation, "Fuck it, I'll wait until tomorrow to pee."
I heard that joke in the 18th Arrondissement of Paris, in 1983. I got it, but the impact was lost on me as I really knew nothing at all about Corsicans or how they were perceived by the French.
Sometimes humor is like wine in that it doesn't travel well. ;)
My favorite joke is the one about the elephant. I've had people look at me with completely vacant expressions on their faces...thinking I'm not done.
I've had people look at me quizzically, then bust out laughing.
I've had people get it right away.
I've had people who think it isn't even remotely funny.
A friend at my defunct club used to make me tell everyone. It's a joke you really need to be in the right frame of mind to tell. But I love telling it, there's a lot of visual to add. He made me tell his wife one time and he told me later she asked him later that evening "is it funny because elephants aren't from india, they're from africa?"
It's just the best joke ever. Well, except for: why did the spider cross the road? Because he was stapled to the chicken. That is sort of the William Carlos Williams' "Red Wheelbarrow' of jokes, in its simplicity. ;)
How about:
Two Corsicans are sleeping in a tree and the one in the lower branches calls up to the one in the upper branches and asks, "Hey, man. Do me a favor; look down here and tell me if my zipper is open."
The one above says, "Leave me alone, I'm trying to sleep."
The first one says again, "Come on, man. Just look down and tell me if my zipper is open."
"No, fuck off; I'm sleeping."
The first one says with resignation, "Fuck it, I'll wait until tomorrow to pee."
I heard that joke in the 18th Arrondissement of Paris, in 1983. I got it, but the impact was lost on me as I really knew nothing at all about Corsicans or how they were perceived by the French.
Sometimes humor is like wine in that it doesn't travel well. ;)
To continental French, Corsicans are renowned for their lazyness, their cheese (really smelly though I've known worse) and their bombs (they want their autonomy)
What is black, pink, black, pink, black, pink, black, pink, black, pink, black, pink, white?
A black guy masturbating.
Save a tree : eat a beaver!
Save a tree : eat a beaver!
Done.
June Cleaver: Ward, I think you were a little hard on the beaver last night.
Dirtiest thing ever said on TV.
Remember the show 'Third Rock From The Sun'? They were always throwing little lines like that in the dialog. The main character was 'Dick'. It was usually something like "Here, taste this, Dick.", or, "Hold this, Dick.", or "Look at this, Dick."
"Family Guy" does the same thing with Peter. Just the other night I heard Lois say "Look at the size of this, Peter."
My favourite Third Rock episode was the special one they did with the dream sequences. Harry's dream in particular was awesome.
That's one show that isn't nearly syndicated enough. Imma look up the episode guides tomorrow, because I'm sure I will recognize that ep when I see it. I love John Lithgow and the whole cast was perfect!
Alas Harry's dream sequence on youtube isn't available in my location :(
The others are. Here's Dick's dream:
[YOUTUBE]B7bZOwD7Bho[/YOUTUBE]
harry's was just fucking brilliant though. Done like a musical. And by the look of it a huge sequence was done in a single take like stage show. Awesome. And the best song.
As I recall they hadn't dreamt before then. It was a terrifying experience for them :p
Oh! Found a really crappy recording of it. Someone's filmed their telly :p
Harry's was the only one that ws a totally happy dream lol
[YOUTUBE]zjo8LJXnyMM&feature=fvwrel[/YOUTUBE]
I think it was some kind of anniversary special or something. I remember I had the vhs with that episode on. Watched the dream sequences lots :p [eta] it was the closing two-parter of the second season according to the eps list)
Y'know... I might just rewatch 3rd Rock.
That's awesome! thanks!
Yeah, that would be a fun show to rewatch from the beginning.
What's black and white and red all over?
A raped nun.
What's black and white an goes boing, boing, boing?
The priest who did it jumping from bed to bed.
better?
[YOUTUBE]-7PUnBfl7u4[/YOUTUBE]
Remember when Harry was working at the video store, he saw (for the first time) it was snowing outside, screamed bloody murder and yelled
"It's the attack of the albino brain chiggers!"
We could do a whole thread on 3rd Rock quotes...I just looked some up:
[Dick is whining about is job]
Harry Solomon: You know, Dick, when life gives you lemons, just shut up and eat the damn lemons.
This one is AWESOME (if you remember that remake):
Big Giant Head: It was a horrible flight! There was a man on the wing of the plane!
Dick Solomon: The same thing happened to me!
[Harry is looking for a job offer in the newspaper]
Harry Solomon: Here's a job that I can do. "Police are seeking third gunman." Tomorrow, I'm gonna march over to the police station and show them that I'm the man they're looking for.
better?
[YOUTUBE]-7PUnBfl7u4[/YOUTUBE]
Good to have it there for people who can watch it, but it's blocked for me :P
About miniskirts :
A mini skirt is like a good speech: short enogh to keep you interested, but long enough to cover the essential.
A miniskirt is like low tide: it uncovers the clam.
[YOUTUBE]DUcNQlg-XpM[/YOUTUBE]
I'll not post it, but you can
watch it here.
It's about equal parts funny and sad.
I'm not really proud to say it, but, I laughed my ass off for a minute.
I followed the link. Watched the vid. I still don't know what it is I just watched.
Wow. That shouldn't set things back more than fifty or a hundred years.
It did look very like a cake walk, didn't it?
I followed the link. Watched the vid. I still don't know what it is I just watched.
Your brain cells dying.
Did you really watch the whole thing? :greenface
What do you call an African American man, with 2 PHDs, living in San Francisco, sitting on the board of 3 fortune 500 companies?
A ni@@er
Your brain cells dying.
Did you really watch the whole thing? :greenface
I did.
It did look very like a cake walk, didn't it?
S'nigga.
Man is a sassanach anyway. For all his primal display tactics he is still wearing something under his kilt.
You've really gotta hand it to short people...
[SIZE="1"]
...cause they often can't reach it.[/SIZE]
I wondered where I should put this. In case you didn't notice, I put it here.
Not my work, I just copied and pasted.
************************************************
Never Shave Your Ass
It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my ass cheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butt hair dwelling.
Eventually I would have to do two things:
Either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements."How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel.
Slowly, my twin cheeks and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless mounds of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know.
I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two ass cheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class.Eventually, thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit-molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch.
God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: It will be like this until the hair grows back.
Weeks Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair: Ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my ass cheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.
As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out he window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.
Friends- Don't shave your ass-hair!
[YOUTUBE]vRxfPBhjU94&start=62[/YOUTUBE]
smart dog... but gross. probably does that because he's too fat to lick his own a hole.
probably does that because he's too fat to lick his own a hole.
Ain't that why
you do it? It's why
I do it.
Well, that...and it's fun.
I'm embarrassed to say this did strike me funny...
It's in black and white. Very clever!
I actually saw one of them today during a track race. UGLY ass thing.
once you go black.....
....you're a single parent.
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The ventillator
What's harder then nailing a dead baby to a tree?
My dick while doing it.
(Is there an award for the worst tasteless joke?/)
What's harder then nailing a dead baby to a tree?
My dick while doing it.
(Is there an award for the worst tasteless joke?/)
You have won the thread. Let's have a moderator lock it.
I think I'd rather you didn't. ;)
So, I heard bananas are good for a healthy colon.
...yeah... apparently you're supposed to EAT 'em.
:rolleyes:
:lol2:
That musta been one firm bunch o' bananas.
Bananas.
For all the good they'll do you, you might as well shove them up your arse.
[YOUTUBE]xv-0Sr-BV5A[/YOUTUBE]
What's easier to unload, a truck full of babies or a truck full of B-Bs?
A truck full of babies - you can use a pitchfork.
:lol2: @ cops at the car crash.
oh noooo
nooo nooo oh my god
and its a vw and everything
omgggggg
that should not be so goddamn... funny. agh.
What's the difference between the VW in that ad and a dead hooker?
That VW isn't chopped up and buried in my yard.
Actually went out over the airwaves...
[ATTACH]44720[/ATTACH]
:headshake
And the FAA spokesperson was Wi So Sol Lee.
[COLOR="Red"]
ATTN: Moderators/Undertoad[/COLOR]
Asiana says it will sue TV station after pilot name gaffe
A heads up in case we might want to, oh, I don't know,
not get sued.
ETA: Might want to take down that pic I posted. Or not. Either way.
Anyone can sue over anything, it's true. But I think it'd be a hard sell to any judge for Asiana to whine that, once the piece had been broadcast and was out there, people actually looked at it and reposted it. The TV station got pranked (and I bet those responsible didn't actually expect it to go that far). I doubt the suit against the station will succeed.
Funnier in video.
she says the NTSB HAS confirmed the names....
[YOUTUBE]2GNQt578qHQ[/YOUTUBE]
I saw a press release from the NTSB apologising for this and claiming it was the summer intern who went well beyond his authority.
Besides, that picture is on hundreds of websites.
I laughed so hard when I heard that the other drivers were looking at me funny.
"You've been Planked!" "Plunked?"
It's ALWAYS the summer intern. Always.
Go Lee Fuk, indeed.
Was that loud crashing noise my career?
One of the NTSB investigators was overheard by CNN as saying "What did you expect from an Asian driver?"
Too soon?
[ATTACH]54295[/ATTACH]
A man was walking down the street with a raccoon on a leash. One of his brothers stops him and said, man what is that on that leash? The man says, this is something you been called your whole life. The friend said, no shitt!! Thats a real live mutherfvcker?!
tarheel
