Looking for People with Anger Problems
I would like to ask for assistance from this really nice community if I may be so bold.
You see, my partner has very serious anger problems and is desperately looking for guidance. He is in the process of reading books and seeking help, but we both would really like speaking with someone with first hand experience with this problem, that has either dealt with it in the past or working on it.
A lot of the books we've picked up have a lot of psychobabble; some things work, and some other don't. The folks that provide guidance are rather patronizing and just offer religious prayer as therapy that really does not work as a solution for us.
If you are uncomfortable stating your name, you can always drop me a private message or email, I would absolutely appreciate it; I won't breathe a word!
P.S. I hope I didn't post this in the wrong spot, if so, please feel free to relocate it. :yelsick:
You'll find plenty of people around here with anger management problems. not so many with a solution though. ;)
I know it's a serious problem you're dealing with, and I hope you haven't come off on the wrong end of his anger although I suspect you have if you're posting here.
I wonder why you can't find guidance from people other than those who preach to solve problems? Is his anger connected to substance abuse? If so, there's a simple answer there...although in practice it's not so easy of course.
All I can suggest is to keep reading and looking for someone who might be able to help one on one rather than group therapy which often seems to involve prayer.
My answer to domestic violence/anger issues has always been to leave, so I can't offer you much useful advice I'm afraid.
With problems like this, a real solution is rare.
His anger mostly is dampening negativity, coupled with very aggressive tones and defensiveness. Starts arguments, shows little to no interest on things, and criticizes it all negatively. I doubt he'd ever win against me if it came to blows, but he mostly just shouts and mocks me.
No substance abuse, thankfully. He was a mean smoker and I think it was his way of dealing with his temper. While it is nice to see other people with the same problems, the group therapy basically humiliates you and doesn't bother to give you any real solutions other than "count to 10" or "embrace the anger".
It's too soon to leave, he is showing a lot of effort in taking care of his problems.
P.S. I hope I didn't post this in the wrong spot, if so, please feel free to relocate it. :yelsick:
No, this is fine. :) People can post as anonymous, if they wish.
Sorry, my solution was to become a hermit, which doesn't do you any good.
I really hope you find a solution, and if you do, share it with us. By the way, how old is he?
Am I right in thinking your partner is bi-polar? I seem to recall from another thread (thought I may be mixing you up with someone else, in which case my apologies :P)
I'd have thought some kind of one to one counselling might be useful. If he is bi-polar then medication to help manage the symptoms (including anger management) may be appropriate. I'd also suggest maybe seeking out an NLP counsellor (neuro linguistic programming). Probably the best (imo) NLP practitioners are the Sensory Systems counsellors; might be worth seeing if there are any near you.
What's great about NLP is it doesn't have that same humiliation factor or retraumatising effect that so much counselling seems to have; it helps you to understand and exert control over how your brain processes information and emotion and is based far more on practical tools than on reliving some past tragedy.
I, too, would recommend a Sensory approach over a Psychological approach. I've never experienced or witnessed its effects on anger management specifically, but I find that it's a much more legitimate form of mental understanding and control. As in, you're not "this way" because of some bullshit repressed memory about your mother, you're feeling these emotions because your brain has settled into inappropriate response pathways, and you need to actively retrain them.
Does your partner have a history of depression?
A friend of mine at one of my old jobs had some anger issues and didn't know it until it was pointed out to him by a few people.
His solution was to wear a gaudy bracelet, the purpose of which was to remind him everytime he saw it to think about if he needed to check his mood at any given time.
It seemed to work for him.
6000 IU of Vitamin D3 a day and gentle yoga
Namaste
No, this is fine. :) People can post as anonymous, if they wish.
Sorry, my solution was to become a hermit, which doesn't do you any good.
I thought I was the only one!
Of course his had to do with substance abuse and I am sorry I cannot be of any help.
I wish you the best L.W.
As in, you're not "this way" because of some bullshit repressed memory about your mother, you're feeling these emotions because your brain has settled into inappropriate response pathways, and you need to actively retrain them.
This is so true. My son has overcome sensory overload issues in this way. The over load is still there but the way they are managed is different.
Of course in little wolf's situation the person having the issues needs to be the one to embrace the method whole- heartedly.
A good personal therapist is important.
Reducing sources of anger and finding out why something makes one angry understanding the cause helps deal with the problem.
One must let go of anger, anger is like a tense muscle a only solution is to let it go.
Learning to express anger in constructive civil ways is critical. Not all anger can be gotten rid of so one must know how to deal with the anger will still carry.
If all else fails perhaps medication.
This may have nothing to do with anything. But. I have some problems with anger. I have noticed, since I began tracking my blood sugar, that sometimes I (literally) wake up just steaming mad. Every single time I've thought to check my sugar on these days, it's been low. Well, low for me. Usually 250 and up. On those bad mornings, 90-150.
ETA: Bringing the sugar up, yeah, that don't help.
Gravdigr, have you seen a doctor about your blood sugar? Your ideal count should be 100. Anything over 180 is high. 250 and up is dangerously high.
Yeah, yeah, sure, sure...
No, this is fine. :) People can post as anonymous, if they wish.
Sorry, my solution was to become a hermit, which doesn't do you any good.
I really hope you find a solution, and if you do, share it with us. By the way, how old is he?
I'm not particularly embarrassed about this problem, at least he's working on it and that's something to be proud of.
He actually was a hermit because he has always had problems with people; he really wants to get out there and have fun, but he get really upset at people doing stupid things and can't just ignore it and be happy. He is 30 years old, and very introverted.
Am I right in thinking your partner is bi-polar? I seem to recall from another thread (thought I may be mixing you up with someone else, in which case my apologies :P)
I'd have thought some kind of one to one counselling might be useful. If he is bi-polar then medication to help manage the symptoms (including anger management) may be appropriate. I'd also suggest maybe seeking out an NLP counsellor (neuro linguistic programming). Probably the best (imo) NLP practitioners are the Sensory Systems counsellors; might be worth seeing if there are any near you.
What's great about NLP is it doesn't have that same humiliation factor or retraumatising effect that so much counselling seems to have; it helps you to understand and exert control over how your brain processes information and emotion and is based far more on practical tools than on reliving some past tragedy.
You are right! Good memory, he is bipolar. He takes medication to deal with it. The anger persist. He is very resentful towards psychologists because they always have all the reasons for why he is like he is, but no solutions except for more pills or more therapy.
We are looking up the NLP and seeing if it's a viable option for us, thank you for telling me. You are right, they just ask him to relive the past and talk to dolls pretending they are the people from his past. It's quite stupid.
Does your partner have a history of depression?
He is bipolar, but not an extreme one, if it makes sense. He gets depressed but I think he has good reasons to be (not just chemical depression where you are okay and well, but feel really sad and down).
I, too, would recommend a Sensory approach over a Psychological approach. I've never experienced or witnessed its effects on anger management specifically, but I find that it's a much more legitimate form of mental understanding and control. As in, you're not "this way" because of some bullshit repressed memory about your mother, you're feeling these emotions because your brain has settled into inappropriate response pathways, and you need to actively retrain them.
I'm sure psychologists have years of training and education, being each one different from the next; but when it comes to an individual and intelligent approach, most just try to jam you into a mold where all "crazy" people should fit.
A friend of mine at one of my old jobs had some anger issues and didn't know it until it was pointed out to him by a few people.
His solution was to wear a gaudy bracelet, the purpose of which was to remind him everytime he saw it to think about if he needed to check his mood at any given time.
It seemed to work for him.
That actually might work. He forgets what he is doing and just walks right into it without seeing the signs. Big swearing problem, he feels really awful afterward.
This may have nothing to do with anything. But. I have some problems with anger. I have noticed, since I began tracking my blood sugar, that sometimes I (literally) wake up just steaming mad. Every single time I've thought to check my sugar on these days, it's been low. Well, low for me. Usually 250 and up. On those bad mornings, 90-150.
ETA: Bringing the sugar up, yeah, that don't help.
He doesn't eat well at all which I am pretty sure contributes to his problem. I am showing him how to cook so he can feed himself better, but his anger often doesn't let him learn things or enjoy food when I try to feed him some decent food. Just gets upset and stays upset a REALLY long time. Abnormally long. He had several medical check ups and no word of diabetes or high blood pressure, just malnourishment.
Thank you for all the replies, I have a lot more ideas now than when I came around with. But please, if you have an anger problem or dealt with someone with it, let me know, we could really benefit from hearing how you realized you had a problem, how you dealt with it and how you stand with it today.
Thank you so much. :heart-on:
Help is a great thing - I've dealt with quite a bit of anger in my day.
Enabling is another issue of which to be aware.
I am not entirely sure, but I think in order to be an enabler, you have to have certain power over an individual's choices or maybe over a situation.
This problem existed before I was involved with the gentleman, so I was quite aware of the risks. He is quite amazing, despite all his faults; which is hilarious given that I tend to meet more people with issues that have a lot more common sense and are more responsible, while all the "normal" people I meet tend to have more serious issues that they deem acceptable so they never bother to fix them: like kleptomania or an unhealthy obsession with celebrities.
I am not entirely sure, but I think in order to be an enabler, you have to have certain power over an individual's choices or maybe over a situation.
That's the thing about enabling, it can be as little as saying nothing when something needs to be said, or staying when the only thing that will shock someone into changing is the threat of loved ones leaving. But for what it's worth, you don't seem to me to be enabling him, since the two of you are talking about his problems and working on getting him help.
This may have nothing to do with anything. But. I have some problems with anger. I have noticed, since I began tracking my blood sugar, that sometimes I (literally) wake up just steaming mad. Every single time I've thought to check my sugar on these days, it's been low. Well, low for me. Usually 250 and up. On those bad mornings, 90-150.
ETA: Bringing the sugar up, yeah, that don't help.
My dad has diabetes and when he has eaten properly he is a real jerk. I 2nd 'fobble...get the to a doctor!
@L.W. How about pot? That was my brother's suggestion when I was spending a lot of time freaking out, then again I never took his suggestion. I know a lot of people who use it to help 'em deal with anger/stress. There are downsides, but of course there are downsides to any medicine.
He was quite fond of pot not that many years ago.
Unfortunately sometimes pot brings along the sort of friends that are not much smarter than a box full of rocks, except with a much higher inclination of trading all your belongings for more pot when you are not home than a box full rocks would have. Undoubtedly, a box full of rocks would make a much better friend.
[COLOR="Red"][size=4]WHY ARE YOU LOOKING FOR PEOPLE WITH ANGER PROBLEMS? SO YOU CAN MAKE FUN OF THEM? grrrr [/size][/COLOR] :mad2::mad2::mad2:
[CENTER][SIZE="5"][FONT="Impact"]LEGALIZE IT!!![/FONT][/SIZE]
:fumette::rasta::joint::fumette::rasta::joint::fumette::rasta::joint::fumette::rasta::joint::fumette::rasta::joint::fumette::rasta::joint:[/CENTER]
I have some experience with anger control problems, LW. For me, the answer was a reduction in alcohol consumption and to take Lexapro for about eight years. I recently dropped the Lexapro as I was tired of some of the side effects, mild though they were. For me, the anger was an offshoot of depression issues, but through the use of the antidepressant, I learned a lot over the years about my anger triggers and manifestations, and how to suppress the outbursts without simply bottling them up - which just makes the eventual explosion that much worse.
I don't smoke pot myself, or anything for that matter, and I don't have any particular problems with it; except for the people I find in the morning after any given weekend when the local pot head college students decide to go all out.
I don't know if it is the pot, or just the fact they go to college that makes them such annoying pests.
Thank you for sharing that with me, Elspode. My partner doesn't drink but he does take medication for his bipolar. He told him it made him feel calm, and I could very well say his anger is mostly due to bad circumstances he's going through.
Do you still face anger problems today? And how long did it take you to kick it into place? If you don't mind me asking, of course :/
I certainly still *get* angry, but I am much better at expressing it in a more positive way. Over the years of having the meds on board, I was able to identify situations that would have set me off in the past, but didn't make me feel like going off anymore because of the meds. It wasn't that the meds were really suppressing the anger, but more like they allowed me to have some perspective on things that I lacked before.
The biggest problem for me was what is usually termed as "negative self talk", wherein my internal dialogue was always hashing over and over the shit I perceived, the stuff that I felt justified an angry response on my part. With the meds, there seemed to be less need to conduct such negatively reinforcing internal dialogues, and as time went by, I noted that my anger outbursts were greatly lessened, and when they did happen, I was able to express myself in a more rational manner, rather than simply puking outrage.
There is some work involved, there's no doubt, but as you put some space between the You that has the anger issues and the You that is much better about that, it is easy to identify the things that would have been better addressed in a different way, and the progress becomes much quicker and easier.
This is all pretty hard to explain, actually. You say that your guy's current circumstances might be what are causing his anger, but really, there's always going to be situations of some sort or other, so the issue really ends up being how he deals with them. Being angry about something is often a reasonable reaction to certain situations, however, constructively expressing that anger and dealing constructively with the situation that causes it are the only ways to any realistic solution, both for the anger issue and the issue that caused it.
I would speak against the use of cannabis in this situation.
True, in general cases there might be a bit of a chill out effect which might help, but I wouldn't rely on that in this case.
The person is already bipolar and on medication for it. Who knows what adding cannabis into this mix will do?
Also, if someone is angry, impairing their judgment and probably making them paranoid would seem unwise.
I also would argue against cannabis in this. However good it is at calming you (and it is: I use it as a stress reliever to try and cut the stress-itch-stress-itch cycle in eczema) it camn bring a range of problems. My ex used to use it to try and stay on an even keel when he was going through a similarly difficult time: serious anger management problems. It did help; but, it can also add to depression, and if your man is also on medication for a bi-polar condition it may interact negatively with his medication, or indeed with his particular brain chemistry (given that his brain chemistry is a little off kilter to start with).
The last thing you need is to add paranoia (a definate potential with cannabis) to the mix, or leae him feeling too panned out to 'deal' with difficult situations, given that there is clearly a difficult (and anger inducing) situation to start with.
If he's already on medication for his depression (is it diagnosed as bi-polar or depression?) then he should probably, as a first step, talk to his doctor: explain he is still having difficulty in controlling/usefully expressing his anger. See what the doctor has to say (preferably if it is the same doctor who prescribed his meds) and possibly ask his advice on further therapy/approaches.
Alongside that read up on the sensory systems, or NLP approach to counselling and see if that sounds reassuring.
If it's reasonable that he be feeling angry, that is if he is in a position where anger is the normal and healthy response; then it is just about, as Elspode says, learning how to express that, and gain a workable sense of perspective with it: not everything that induces anger should induce rage. Now, if all anger is felt as rage, then that's either something chemical or cognitive. A counsellor may be able to help identify which and suggest an appropriate course of action.
Thank you for sharing that with us, Elspode, it's hard to get a hold of someone with a realistic view of the problem. A lot of professionals we have talked to, recommend things that don't really apply to us, and when it doesn't work they just figure it is because we are too stupid to follow their directions.
And DanaC, you are absolutely right again. Just like ZenGum said too, I wouldn't want to trade one problem for another, cannabis is something we both agree against.
He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder many years ago, and has gone off and on medication. He can function without it as long as there's no onslaught of situations that force him into constant strong emotions which soon unbalance him.
The doctor that renewed his prescriptions sent him on to another psychologist that would handle the repeated visits for therapy, but she kept insisting on things my partner was uncomfortable with (e.g. role-playing with dolls or strangers and talking excessively about his mother).
We are trying a number of anger management groups that the original doctor suggested, but the ones on the list that are open or free are religious ones, and the others ones can cost a couple of hundred bucks for someone reading from a book we can check out at the library.
We did manage to get our hands on some NLP information, and next time we see his doctor we'll ask for his opinion.
The man is not too far gone; he swears at me sometimes which pisses me and sets me off, but neither of us gets upset enough to cross our boundaries.
He still identifies with his guilt after an outburst, but it's like a maddening spiral. He gets mad, then feels guilty, and then gets even more mad about getting mad, then he feels guilty about getting mad about getting mad... @___________@
But yes, if anybody else can tell us more about their personal experience with anger, we would really like to know more about what worked for you. Thank you kindly!
Just out of curiosity - How/why did you find/choose the cellar to look for angry people?
LittleWolf was around prior to this thread, She knows we're cool, knowledgeable, and angry.....
aahhhhh. I'm still pounding my head against my glass desktop tying to figure out how to start a thread.
Choose a forum, then click the new thread button.
Bruce 9012, the first step is admitting you have a forum problem. Once you make peace with that, you can move on to therapy.
Classicman: I have visited Image of The Day thread on and off for about 6 years, maybe? I think since was about 13 or 14 years old and it was the closest to a blog back then I guess.
I never bothered with any other forum areas until very recently, when one day I realized I could identify most of the regular forum members by memory. I think it's very strong and open community if the members can argue democrats vs republicans and not tear the damn forum apart.
P.S. monster, you have always been my favorite commenter! :drool:
SO, whose kid is Little Wolf?
... I dunno, but she's not your wife is she?
is she wolf's secret kid?
Wait a minute ... Little Wolf ... Bruce 2 ... OMG the moderators have been cloned!!!!!!!!!
@lilwolf - thats fine. I was just curious.
aahhhhh. I'm still pounding my head against my glass desktop tying to figure out how to start a thread.
You're not one of Shawnee's students, are you?
So Bruce is going to kill a hobo?
No, he want a counsellor to do it for him
My mother's family name is "Lobos del Valle" or "Wolves of the Valley". Since I got my father's last name, I just got small/little wolf. Also a common native american name.
I'm glad I got useful information before the thread went totally off the track as it tends to happen around here.
Yes, but it rarely goes off track until people have given all the useful information they have. ;)
Perfect anger management solution: puppies and kitties! You have to be evil not to be happy when looking at some cute little puppies or kitties!