How to do things The Right Way™

Here's two I'm pretty sure about. Add your own.

Grill a Steak
[LIST]
[*]Use a wood-handled 1” stiff wire brush to do a rough cleaning.
[*]Thoroughly clean out the dust under the bottom grate to ensure maximum airflow.
[*]Run out an extension cord, attached to an old hair dryer (will be retired/re-purposed).
[*]Pile plenty of charcoal in a tight pyramid, with at least half a bottle of lighter fluid.
[*]Fire it up and use the hair dryer to direct a cleaning cycle. Hit all corners of the grill.
[*]Once the flames have died down a little, go over the grate thoroughly with the wire brush.
[*]Manage the coal fire with the hair dryer. Keep the heat even. Get them WHITE HOT.
[*]Have a perfectly-shaped stick to poke through the grate, spreading the coals evenly.
[*]Dust off the grate with a whisk broom.
[*]Wipe down the grate thoroughly with wet paper towels.
[*]Coat the grate with as much olive oil as you can get to stick.
[*]Throw the steaks on; ignore the flames.
[*]Shut the lid; ignore the smoke pouring out.
[*]Flip ONCE and ONLY ONCE with tongs (do NOT poke).
[*]NEVER EVER cut the steaks to see if they are done.
[*]The steaks should come out flame-seared on the outside, with a clearly delineated brown/pink/brown pattern revealed when cut. [/LIST]

Mix a Drink
[LIST]
[*]Over-fill a short cocktail glass with ice cubes.
[*]Fill the glass with tap water and shake until all the cubes just fit inside the glass.
[*]This cleans the freezer burn off the cubes and ensures the glass is FULL of ice.
[*]Drain the tap water, and add one half inch of clean filtered water.
[*]This is known as “Wet Ice” and is the basis of a good drink.
[*]Fill the glass with the straight, hard liquor of your choice.
[/LIST]

Yummmm, if you could pour me one of those drinks right now, that would be great.

I'll give it a try, but . . . .

Flint;544132 wrote:

Grill a Steak
[LIST]
[*]Use a wood-handled 1” stiff wire brush to do a rough cleaning.[/list]

I don't see how this is going to help the taste of the steak. Wouldn't some kind of marinade, or tenderizer, be better?

I meant the cow.

Pile plenty of charcoal in a tight pyramid, with at least half a bottle of lighter fluid.

This reminds of a Roseanne episode where Dan (John Goodman) was arguing with his buddies about the best way to arrange the coals in the grill. Dan insisted they'll end up all spread around so why not start with them all spread around, and his friend, a backseat griller, argued that if you stacked them in a pyramid they would heat up as a team. When Dan finally started to put the burgers on the grill his friend said it was too early; the coals weren't hot enough yet. Dan said "that's OK, I'm going to stack them in a pyramid so they'll cook as a team."

I'm trying to come up with something I know how to do The Right Way™ without just going through an OCD list. I'll get back to you.

The drink stuff is superstition. You gonna notice the ice when you're drinking 40 proof booze?

EVOO has a low smoke point. Better to use corn or canola in this matter.

How to Wipe Properly [for ladies]

1) Make sure the toilet paper roll is out not facing the wall to reduce the incidence of paint chips or splinters.
2) Wrap enough toilet paper around your hand to cover most of your forearm as well.
3) Start by going behind your back with your toilet paper wrapped hand.
4) Move your hand underneath and towards the front of your pubic area.
5) Bring your hand and arm back behind your back in a wiping gesture.
6) Unwrap paper and repeat.

Undertoad;544182 wrote:

The drink stuff is superstition. You gonna notice the ice when you're drinking 40 proof booze?

EVOO has a low smoke point. Better to use corn or canola in this matter.

If you get the ice out of my mothers freezer, you will.

How to be an Asshole That People Like Anyway™

1. be lumberjim

2. don't be The Mercenary

lumberjim;544239 wrote:

How to be an Asshole That People Like Anyway™

1. be lumberjim

2. don't be The Mercenary

:lol2:

Another Jim fantasy uncovered.

How to get banned from freerepublic.com:

1. Reg an account, using a proxy.
2. Find the biggest right wingnut jackass on the board.
3. Say you knew him "back in 'Nam", "in his unit", etc, to match whatever claims he made.
4. Reminisce a bit. Be a little over the top, but do not jump the shark.
5. When his lame ass agrees with you, announce that you just made everything up, and that he's a fraud.
6. Post photoshopped pics of a naked Bea Arthur until a mod finally shows up (less than one minute, on average).
7. You have been banned from this site. Date ban will be lifted: Never.

TGRR;544255 wrote:

4. but do not jump the shark.

:D

Why do you water down your booze?

Lather
Rinse
Repeat

underwear
shirt
socks
pants
shoes

After showering, dry yourself from top to bottom.

Coffee beans must be ground just before brewing.

[COLOR=White]As she nears orgasm, suck lightly on the clitoris.
[/COLOR]

This is for all the younger dwellars, as they set out to find their own places and, if you're anything like I was, start out with cheap furniture from Odd Lots or K-mart that requires massive assembly. YMMV, I love putting stuff together:

1) Take everything out of the box.
2) Find the directions. Look at them. Love them. Embrace them.
3) Sort out all the pieces. If you have 2 Screw Cs, make sure you are supposed to have two and not four.
4) Lay all sorted pieces out in generally the same order you will be needing them.
5) Follow Step 1 of directions
6) Follow Step 2 of directions
7) Continue in this manner until finished.
8) If you've read the directions, you will know you don't completely tighten any screws or nuts until the end. Do this now.
9) If you've followed the directions religiously, you will have a particle board coffee table Ethan Allen himself would be proud of.
Oh, and I guess the prologue to Step 1 would be "buy screwdriver."

Flint;544132 wrote:

Here's two I'm pretty sure about. Add your own.

Grill a Steak
[LIST]
[*]Use a wood-handled 1” stiff wire brush to do a rough cleaning.
[*]Thoroughly clean out the dust under the bottom grate to ensure maximum airflow.
[*]Run out an extension cord, attached to an old hair dryer (will be retired/re-purposed).
[*]Pile plenty of charcoal in a tight pyramid, with at least half a bottle of lighter fluid.
[*]Fire it up and use the hair dryer to direct a cleaning cycle. Hit all corners of the grill.
[*]Once the flames have died down a little, go over the grate thoroughly with the wire brush.
[*]Manage the coal fire with the hair dryer. Keep the heat even. Get them WHITE HOT.
[*]Have a perfectly-shaped stick to poke through the grate, spreading the coals evenly.
[*]Dust off the grate with a whisk broom.
[*]Wipe down the grate thoroughly with wet paper towels.
[*]Coat the grate with as much olive oil as you can get to stick.
[*]Throw the steaks on; ignore the flames.
[*]Shut the lid; ignore the smoke pouring out.
[*]Flip ONCE and ONLY ONCE with tongs (do NOT poke).
[*]NEVER EVER cut the steaks to see if they are done.
[*]The steaks should come out flame-seared on the outside, with a clearly delineated brown/pink/brown pattern revealed when cut. [/LIST]

Mix a Drink
[LIST]
[*]Over-fill a short cocktail glass with ice cubes.
[*]Fill the glass with tap water and shake until all the cubes just fit inside the glass.
[*]This cleans the freezer burn off the cubes and ensures the glass is FULL of ice.
[*]Drain the tap water, and add one half inch of clean filtered water.
[*]This is known as “Wet Ice” and is the basis of a good drink.
[*]Fill the glass with the straight, hard liquor of your choice.
[/LIST]

So what time should I be there? (I like mine rare, and Johnnie Walker Black will do just fine thanks.)

"always add acid to water"

You mix the drink before you cook the steaks, right?

The drunker you are the better they taste.

Undertoad;544182 wrote:

The drink stuff is superstition. You gonna notice the ice when you're drinking 40 proof booze?

EVOO has a low smoke point. Better to use corn or canola in this matter.

Did you mean 40%? You could be right about the oil. But olive is what we have on hand and it seems to do the trick.

Stress Puppy;544260 wrote:

Why do you water down your booze?

It will water itself down when the ice melts. What I'm doing is "pre-staging" the drink. Kind of like reaching out and gently pushing the ride cymbal with your hand, to get encourage a gentle vibrating motion before you actually strike it. This prevents the first note from being harsh, if you catch my drift. Gets you right into the cushy part of the groove.

Additional research shows that while extra virgin's smoke point is somewhat low, the more refined extra-light olive oil has the same smoke point as corn oil. You may resume in perfection, just use the extra-light.

I never knew that about the cymbal. Goodness.

I'm surprised nobody has commented on the hair dryer.

I thought that was an Alton Brown innovation. It's in his book.

The right way to drink:

Open bottle of liquor
Bring to lips
Tip bottle of liquor up to a 70degree angle
Take 1 large swallow
Lower bottle of liquor
Sigh and wipe your lips
Repeat

Flint;544673 wrote:

I'm surprised nobody has commented on the hair dryer.

Undertoad;544676 wrote:

I thought that was an Alton Brown innovation. It's in his book.

I did not know that. I learned it from my dad. He only used it to revive dying coals in an emergency. I, however, use it to produce the same perfectly heated coals every time. That, and as mentioned, for the "cleaning cycle" during which those half-a-bottle of lighter fluid sized flames are directed towards all parts of the grill, cauterizing the grates and burning away and lurking lighter fluid vapors.

to make an omelet:
[LIST=1]
[*]3 eggs. (fuck tone loc) crack them one handed into a cereal bowl.
[*]whip up to fluffy with a fork .....you have to lift it as you stir to inject air into the eggs.
[*]heat the pan and put a nice blop of real butter in there to melt
[*]before the butter burns, pour in the eggs
[*]let the eggs cook until a bubble begins to rise
[*]using a batter spreader or a spatula, lift the edge of the cooked eggs, and tilt the pan so the raw egg wash runs under the cooked part
[*]repeat this at different spots around the pan until there is no more egg running well enough to flow under the cooked parts.
[*]let the bottom firm up a bit
[*]flip eggs using a 'little e' motion
[*]add omelet ingredients to left side of the circle
[*]as the omelet firms up, slide the left side off onto the plate, and flip the right side over on top of it to close it
[*]sprinkle shredded cheese, or segmented sliced cheese if desired
[*]serve with hashbrowns or homefries and toast[/LIST]

Now I'm hungry again.

Flint;544673 wrote:

I'm surprised nobody has commented on the hair dryer.

<tim allen>For real power, you use a leaf blower.</tim allen>

I actually saw this done in Seattle at an off-site where they were making smoked salmon for 50 people.

Nice, lj. Thanks.

lumberjim;544699 wrote:

to make an omelet:
[LIST=1]
[*]3 eggs. (fuck tone loc) crack them one handed into a cereal bowl.
[*]whip up to fluffy with a fork .....you have to lift it as you stir to inject air into the eggs.
[*]heat the pan and put a nice blop of real butter in there to melt
[*]before the butter burns, pour in the eggs
[*]let the eggs cook until a bubble begins to rise
[*]using a batter spreader or a spatula, lift the edge of the cooked eggs, and tilt the pan so the raw egg wash runs under the cooked part
[*]repeat this at different spots around the pan until there is no more egg running well enough to flow under the cooked parts.
[*]let the bottom firm up a bit
[*]flip eggs using a 'little e' motion
[*]add omelet ingredients to left side of the circle
[*]as the omelet firms up, slide the left side off onto the plate, and flip the right side over on top of it to close it
[*]sprinkle shredded cheese, or segmented sliced cheese if desired
[*]serve with hashbrowns or homefries and toast[/LIST]

Now that is a friggin work of art. Impressive.

Flint;544661 wrote:

Did you mean 40%? You could be right about the oil. But olive is what we have on hand and it seems to do the trick.

It will water itself down when the ice melts. What I'm doing is "pre-staging" the drink. Kind of like reaching out and gently pushing the ride cymbal with your hand, to get encourage a gentle vibrating motion before you actually strike it. This prevents the first note from being harsh, if you catch my drift. Gets you right into the cushy part of the groove.

Pre-staging a drink is why, as a bartender, you learn which customers absolutely do not want a new glass of ice with each drink. Some want their iced seasoned with new cubes added as needed, some want brand new ice.

It will water itself down when the ice melts

Why would you water down your booze? (No ice here)

I water down everything I drink - even water.

Stress Puppy;544803 wrote:

Why would you water down your booze? (No ice here)

I think the half-melted ice has a nice flavor. It tastes good to me.

I agree. My scotch isn't perfect until the end of the second or start of the third drink. And the barkeep knows to NEVER empty my glass until I'm leaving.

capnhowdy;544921 wrote:

I agree. My scotch isn't perfect until the end of the second or start of the third drink.

Just imagine if you could have that "perfect" drink--every time! [COLOR="White"]. . .[/COLOR] Buy my book.

well, since I only drink red wine and ales, ice would be definite no no.

lumberjim;544699 wrote:

... let the bottom firm up a bit ...

He said "bottom" :p

The easiest way to do rice is to buy a good rice cooker, but we already have too much c**p in our kitchen, so I learned to cook it in a regular pot.

[LIST]
[*]Buy some good-quality long-grain rice. I can vouch for Basmati (from India) and Jasmine (from Thailand). If you have easy access to an Indian or Asian food store, go there. But the stuff they have at Sam's in the big burlap bag is not too bad.
[*]Rinse one cup of rice in a sieve/strainer. Run cold water over it for a couple of minutes.
[*]Dump the rice in a pot and add two cups of water (depending on how firm you like your rice).
[*]Bring to boil.
[*]Turn down to simmer and cover.
[*]Do not stir the rice. It will cook faster and better if you leave it be.
[*]Rice is done when all the water is gone. (You'll have to experiment. For me it's ~14 minutes).
[/LIST]
Once you get the hang of this, your rice should be as good as chinese-restaurant quality.

Japanese/short-grain rice is a whole different thing and I have no idea how it should go. I don't care for it.

If you've got the meat cut up and marinated, you can do stir-fry by the time the rice is done. Quick and tasty.

That sounds right. You leave it alone, and when you come back it has little steam holes running through it.


However, for Mexican dishes, the recommendation is to burn the rice in a skillet, to seal the outside before cooking.

Pour a Cup of Coffee
[LIST]
[*]Fill the bottom of the cup with a .75" layer of ice
[*]Add dairy product of your choice (milk, heavy cream, egg nog)[*]
[*]Swirl around the ice cubes to chill the creamer
[*]Pour in a cup of steaming hot coffee
[*]Instantly enjoy a drink of perfect-temperature coffee without burning your mouth
[/LIST]
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