What would you do differently if you could redo the first 3 months?

If you could rewind the clock and redo the the first 3 months (or whatever time period you prefer) following your little bubbies birth... what would you do differently?

Sorry to admit, but this thread is entirely for selfish reasons. My wife and I are expecting in June. Last night I had a sudden realization: we were spending so much time pouring through the "how to handle the pregnancy" stages I realized that I haven't begun to consider how to handle the days following BIRTH.

Now I'm searching for the right materials to start getting ready. But I still think you can learn the most from individual stories, rather than a book someone wrote trying to tell you how to handle a cookie-cutter baby.

So.... what's your big "gotcha"? If you could do-it-all-over-again... what would you do differently?

I'm about to do it all over again, and the main thing I'll be doing differently is staying home with our baby full time. I went back to work within a month with both of my other sons, so this will be a real treat, for all of us.

Riddil;530287 wrote:

I still think you can learn the most from individual stories, rather than a book someone wrote trying to tell you how to handle a cookie-cutter baby.

They're equally bad. :)

I'll just give my standard advice for new parents: You will be beset from all sides with advice, much of it contradictory. Screw them. Use your own judgment. By that I don't mean don't take advice from anywhere. But look at the options (e.g., sleeping in bed with you or not) and info from sources you trust--whatever they are--and decide what's right for your family. Then don't let any turkeys tell you you're doing it wrong. If you decide something's not working, then change it.. but change it because you think it's not working, not because somebody told you to.

GET MORE SLEEP!!!!! Learn from the baby... hehehehe sleep when you can. The first 3 ... well 6 months are extremely tiring!

You wife will be completely overwhelmed. She will say and do things that you have never, ever seen her do before. Be home, a lot.

If I could do it again, I would schedule the offers of help from family and friends so that they weren't all concentrated in the first week. 3 weeks in, when everyone is gone and you guys are on you on, it would be really nice to have some friends drop in with dinner, or a parent around to rock the munchkin down at 3am.

Also, if anyone gives her shit about breast-feeding/bottle-feeding, punch them right in the mouth. Seriously.

In Pooka's Discipline of the Boobie Variety thread (re breastfeeding), Foot highly recommends books by Penelope Leach (his post).

I know you say you have read enough books, but as Foot comes across as a pretty good Dad, I think it might be worth taking a look. He gives other advice in the same post anyway.

I wish that someone had impressed upon me more thoroughly the importance of burping. You seriously gotta burp those suckers all the time. And it's not like a few pats on the back after they eat and they're good. You have to just keep at it until you hear a real burp, even if it takes twenty minutes. Because if you don't... it'll be hours of crying later as they try to pass it the long way. In that same vein, this stuff really does help. Have some on hand before you come home from the hospital.

smoothmoniker wrote:

You wife will be completely overwhelmed. She will say and do things that you have never, ever seen her do before.

This. It's a different kind of hard than anything else in the world. When my son was about five weeks old, I broke down sobbing in the grocery store, and trust me, I am not the type.

Each child is different, but universally I'd say... accept as much help as you can the first 2 weeks, but after that take the time to establish your own routine... both of you... the faster you can get your own groove the better and the less overwhelmed you'll all be. But, accept that the house doesn't have to be perfect, and dinner can sometimes come in a can... better to spend time with the little bit and not work yourself to death... the time will come when you can teach them to help you with the housework... until then just do what you can. My 2 year old cleans the coffee table, sorts the laundry and picks up her toys... well... some of the time...

Nap when they nap... you'll need it and wish you had snuggled them while they were little before you know it. Let your wife nap... trust me she needs it.

Breastfeed if you can... at least the first 6 months... at least. And don't be shy about it... that's what breasts are for and if anyone has an issue with it tell them what a pervert they are... and if it is recomended that you breastfeed in the bathroom... tell them to go eat in the bathroom and let them react to that. But understand you are in control of your own body and raising of your child and how long you choose to feed is your decision. I'm dealing with that one now... I'm happy to feed him till he is 2, so long as he is sleeping at night and eating real food, but that isn't happening at the moment. Don't do like I did and allow yourself to be a human pacifier... of course... that won't happen during the first 3 months... during that time they are pretty much still fetuses.

Get an Arms Reach co-sleeper for the first 3 months... expecially if you are breastfeeding... you won't have to get out of bed to nurse and you won't have to share your bed 100% of the time with a little bed hog... of course you'll have to decide for yourself when they get too big for the co-sleeper if you want to move them into their own bed or into your's... it is purely a personal choice and one you may find you flip flop on... I personally love my son in bed with me when he snuggles and sleeps and Papa is up late working or playing a gig... or up early going to work... you get the idea... but there is a certian stress I've found that comes with not being able to just sleep with your spouse alone when you want.

Insist that your spouse helps with changing and bathing.
AND soothing. And despite what anyone tells you trust your gut... if your child screams bloody murder constantly do not accept the colic answer... consider it could be Reflux which is horrible and DO get the medicine for it... you will be doing yourself and your child a HUGE disservice if you don't trust me.... and if you do encounter this problem... let me know and I'll give you all kinds of info that helped us. Be willing to change pedis if you don't feel what they are telling you is right or you don't feel like they are helping or hearing you...

Understand that the screaming can be overwhelming... especially if on person is left to hear it without relief all day and night... it makes you crazy and depressed. Make sure you take the time to sooth the cryier even if you feel you aren't helping ... make your wife go for a walk around the block or for a drive to the store or to take a hot bath and give her ears a rest. You may be saving a life just by doing this one thing. I'm joking, but only slightly

Read Happiest baby on the block... and Dunstan's book on baby language and learn to tell the difference in their cries.

Understand that if she is home all day without adult companionship she will need twice as much at night and twice as much encouragement to go out with friends... don't let her feel guilty for taking time for herself. Send her out to get a new hair cut, manicure, pedicure and buy a new outfit.

And take time for eachother. Let family and friends step in from time to time so you can go out on a date. Our daughter was a year and a half old before we did that and I wish we wouldn't have waited... both for her sake and ours.

Embrace burp cloths and keep several changes of clothes for each of you handy if you aren't comfortable with baby puke all over you.... put bibs on them even if it covers that cute as hell little outfit.

At the end of the day... no matter what great advice anyone has for you... you know what is and what isn't working... follow your heart and do what you belive is right and what you find works...

I'd just be a lot more relaxed about everything. Mentally. It's all going to be OK.

glatt;530478 wrote:

I'd just be a lot more relaxed about everything. Mentally. It's all going to be OK.

just what I was going to say.

Not to diss everyone else's excellent suggestions, but -- don't try to turn back the clock. Just proceed forward, with love.

Bottle warmers. Forget about them. Just an overpriced hot plate. I had some weird delusion that these would make life a million times easier - so we got two. I was very wrong. Caused us more grief than anything. Eventually just started taking a creamer (like you would set out at a party with a coffe pot) and pouring the formula into that, throwing it into the microwave and than finding the right timing to reach the warmth we needed depending on the bottle size/volume.

I always used to hate the hours of 4pm to 6pm with my boys. It was just really tough because they were totally fractious and I had other stuff to do at that time always. It's the same for most new parents from what I've heard.

The thing I'm planning on doing differently with the new one is to get stuff down beforehand so that I can devote my attention to him at that time. Dinner be damned!

Do a lot of vaccuming while pregnant, then if you're lucky they'll find it soothing and you'll have a weapon against the sceaming ab-dabs.

(no I don't mean smacking the kids upside with the hand tools)

I wouldn't change a thing. I'm not sure who has learned more, me or my kids.

Don't withhold from them or yourself the challenges of their growing up.

Aliantha;530627 wrote:

I always used to hate the hours of 4pm to 6pm with my boys. It was just really tough because they were totally fractious and I had other stuff to do at that time always. It's the same for most new parents from what I've heard.

The thing I'm planning on doing differently with the new one is to get stuff down beforehand so that I can devote my attention to him at that time. Dinner be damned!

Arsenic Hour....awesome funness!!

Riddil wrote:

Sorry to admit, but this thread is entirely for selfish reasons. My wife and I are expecting in June. Last night I had a sudden realization: we were spending so much time pouring through the "how to handle the pregnancy" stages I realized that I haven't begun to consider how to handle the days following BIRTH.

Agreed, so much focus is on the birth...its no wonder the first 3 months can be so daunting.

Take as much time off work as you can after the birth, to help your wife (and yourself) settle in to the new life.

Prepare yourselves for the fact that breastfeeding doesnt always come *naturally*...it takes some work, some sweat and at times....tears. Worth the effort for sure, but sometimes its not easy. Listen to all advice and pick what works for you, dont be scare to comp feed if you have too.

Over here, there are *breastfeeding clinics* which are a free service offered to any new mother and the ones here are fanfriggentastic, mainly helping with attachment issues and confidence.

We have a swag over post birth help services here..sleep school, settling classes, breastfeeding clinic, in home Maternal Health Nurse visits, House cleaning for c/sections etc

Take advantage of them all, if nothing else you get to talk to other new parents and realise they are facing the same challenges, and gets you guys out of the house.

3 - 4 months are pretty taxing, but once that bub starts sleeping through most of the nite...you will wonder the fuss was about.

With our second child, his tongue had extra tissue connecting to the bottom of his mouth, so he couldn't latch and suck properly - he would push instead. My wife tried desperately to get him to breastfeed, but the pain was excruciating. Her nipples got cracked and infected, and it became so bad that she had to have surgery to clear out the infected area.

She felt like a complete failure because she couldn't breastfeed. She cried every time she had to give him a bottle.

Still, the boob nazis would berate her in public when they saw her giving him a bottle. She would sometimes try to explain the story to them, but they didn't want to hear it. One actually said, "Well, it's hard! Don't be a wimp. If you want what's best for him, you'll put up with a little pain."

I almost punched her in the throat.

I couldn't breastfeed my tiny little bundle of joy. She was too small and I was too big. Anyone who harrassed me got the finger :flipbird:

Anyway, having had three babies, the last of which was a late-age suprise, I have only a bit of advice:

Slow down and enjoy those three months. They'll be over before you know it, and you can never redo them. Don't worry about things like keeping the house spotless or folding laundry or weed-wacking the yard....romance the baby instead. Hold him/her, get to know every unique thing about him/her, talk, sing, rock him/her endlessly. Take naps when he/she does and enjoy his/her waking moments.

Bond. Enjoy the precious time.

Yep, ignore the 'breast is best' nazi's if there's any reason why the baby can't be breast fed, or even if it's a decision your wife makes independant of any circumstances which are out of her control.

This is your child, and you're the one who loves it. Not them.

Neither of my two were breast fed and they're both top of their class, so I defy anyone to tell me that if you don't breast feed, your child will be less intelligent. Also, they're healthy as horses and always have been.

Sure it's a nice bonding experience, and I definitely advocate the natural alternative against the processed one in all food types, but if it doesn't happen for whatever reason, definitely don't lose sleep over it, and definitely don't let your wife feel guilty about it.

It's no one's business but your own.

RE: Burping. What Clod said. Yeah, you really gotta kind of Whomp 'em a bit harder than you'd expect. They are actually pretty tough, don't whale on 'em but pat 'em ant-killing strong.

And they are all different, as any parent who has lost their senses long enough to say "leave it in" will tell you, the second one is nothing like the first. I'd willing to believe that the same would be true for 3rd, 4th, 5th, etc. I don't need to find out.

Oh and to hell with everything else but sleep. Fuck cleaning and cooking. Stock up on frozen foods and such. Most people, not all, are in a state of shock for the first few months.

Good luck.

And Thanks for the vote of confidence Sundae :)

Regret nothing by making informed decisions in the first place. Don't just take your mom's or your neighbor's advice, because when it comes down to it only you (parents) are responsible for your decisions. You have to feel good about them, or you'll feel bad about them. Spend the time researching and thinking about issues as (or even better, before) the arise. When you've educated yourself and thought things thru , there's no reason to be regretful or defensive later, and everyone is happier.

Wow, a lot of great advice! And I was already fairly certain that the only "once-size-fits-all" bit of advice was probably from Douglas Adams... "Don't Panic".

Sundae Girl;530378 wrote:

In Pooka's Discipline of the Boobie Variety thread (re breastfeeding), Foot highly recommends books by Penelope Leach (his post).

I know you say you have read enough books, but as Foot comes across as a pretty good Dad, I think it might be worth taking a look. He gives other advice in the same post anyway.

Actually, already spied it, and already dug it out on Amazon. :-D Judging from some of the comments it seems like it takes a pretty extreme view. But I'm fairly open-minded, I'll listen to any new ideas. I like the slant... instead of focusing on the parents perspective of a new baby, it tries to explain the world from the baby's perspective. Interesting.

What SteveDallas and Jinx said, listen to lot's of advice digest or ignore it, then figure out what works for you.

Oh, and don't drop them in the cat's food bowls (the cats get very pissy about it.)