Steven Wrightisms

Is a 'Necessary Evil' morally inferior to a 'Unnecessary Good'?

What is the sound of three hands clapping?

Is the word 'Payload' synonymous with the term 'Money Shot'?

If the Pope is infallable, why doesn't he play the Lottery?

Why do they have 'Guest Stars' in movies?



Feel free to add on...

:)

Which steve wright do you mean? The UK DJ?

I like those.

Is a 'Necessary Evil' morally inferior to a 'Unnecessary Good'?

Yes.

What is the sound of three hands clapping?

The noise is between that of one pair and two pairs of hands clapping.

Is the word 'Payload' synonymous with the term 'Money Shot'?

No.

If the Pope is infallable, why doesn't he play the Lottery?

"God doesn't play dice."

Why do they have 'Guest Stars' in movies?

If there's a sequel, that person won't be in it.

--
Glad I could help.

If the Pope is infallable, why doesn't he play the Lottery?

"God doesn't play dice."

Actually lotteries don't involve dice.

And infallible doesn't mean prescient.


Doesn't infallable (sic) mean can't fall down?

Forgive if not a direct quote but a favorite:

"They said they served breakfast anytime, so I ordered French toast during the renaissance."

They responded, "It'll be ready when you arrive."

It's spelled infallible, and defined thusly. One definition caught my eye:

entirely exempt from liability to mistake

Exempt from liability is not at all like unable to err. Most of the definitions mean "unable to err", though.

entirely exempt from liability to mistake

is not the same as

entirely exempt from liability for mistakes

which may be how you interpreted it.

It means not liable (likely) to make a mistake, in the definition of infallible.

Chill out, dudes!

Back on topic:

<b>Judas stiffed the waiter at the Last Supper.

The people who inhabited Easter Island were not Christians.

Toilets on the Equator do not flush.

A man-like beast called the Sasquatch exists. I work with him.</b>

These are original. Have fun, guys!

:p

OK, desperately trying to get back on topic ...

What's another word for Thesaurus? -- Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know? -- Steven Wright

I'm trying, NBN ... :p

We've all heard his stuff. What we want here is ORIGINAL one-liners.

Originally posted by Nothing But Net
[b]Malted Milk Balls contain Malt and Milk, but not Balls. How can they get away with that? [/B]

Get away with what? Nobody claimed they contained balls, only that they were shaped like balls. Which they are.

Not original, but I dunno who to credit:
If a man speaks in the woods, and a woman isn't around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Originally posted by LordSludge
Not original, but I dunno who to credit:
[b]If a man speaks in the woods, and a woman isn't around to hear him, is he still wrong? [/B]

Of course. A man need not speak to be wrong. :-)

Or how about:

If a tree falls on me in the forest and noone is around to hear me and I mute?

Originally posted by Nic Name
[b]If the Catholic Church defrocks a priest who molests a child, are they making the punishment suit the crime? [/B]

Would the priest then be collared or decollared?

Originally posted by spinningfetus


Would the priest then be collared or decollared?

Only if he was into D&s play.

I would.....


I *like* trees.

If a tree fell on a Scot would anybody pine?

A bona fide Wrightism from The Onion:

The Onion: Is there a God?
Steven Wright: Ahhh ... You'll have to ask Jesus.

Bitman, they're jokes.

"I don't think. My brain just tells me what to do"
(actual statement by chronic mental patient calling into crisis hotline)

Originally posted by juju
Bitman, they're jokes.

What? Why didn't ju tell me earlier?? Here I'm trying to be helpful .. maggie I'll have to warch what I say in the future..

Hey, leave me out of it.:)

But Peter Mark Roget didn't find it. He compiled his Thesaurus in the eighteenth century, and this synonym's style just screams nineteenth:

synonymicon; n., -s [synonym + icon (as in lexicon)]: a lexicon of synonyms

(Webster's Third New International)


"Nihilism means nothing to me any more; nostalgia isn't what it used to be; but plagiarism doesn't change much, and since when were we ever revisionists??"

"That we are neither primates nor ungulates must give us pause..."

Aw c'mon folks, it's really not THAT hard to stay on topic...

From my experience, it seems like the people who most often say, "I'd like to give them a piece of my mind", don't have all that much to spare.

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Metaphorically speaking, most people are allegorical.

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If time is money, why does everyone tell me to stop and smell the roses? Do they know something I don't about the billing terms of this deal?

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Why do people feel the need to give directions in terms of 'as the crow flies'? Are they just practicing for the day they actually run into Clark Kent?

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Wouldn't it be funny if one day we learned that the punishment in hell is with ice, not fire? Think of all those bets you could finally collect on.