I want to die
Right now.
I feel so bad, I feel
I see a sword, an axe, an enormous stone block hanging over me. I crane my neck upward to see the leading edge of instantaneous relief just a second away. I crave it. I long for it. Bring it, bring it now! Make it stop, make it go away.
You have the strength to get through this. You've felt this way before and felt better again. You will feel better again. You can do it. Look what you've
posted in the past.
I've been one half step away. I've had the rope around my neck and tied securely but I couldn't finish it. I've cut myself (not across to the hospital, but down to the morgue), and watched it bleed, then stopped it. I've written a few notes, and torn them up.
It's always been prompted by marital strife. It's that way now. Fortunately, the current balance of emotions is heaviest on anger and frustration, and not despair. Despair is the killer. A lack of hope is about as bad as a lack of oxygen. It all seems so black, so unendingly painful. A surcease of pain is what I sought. And a little posthumous appreciation. That's stupid. I was temporarily stupid.
I have days, sometimes weeks where I don't think about killing myself. Those are good days. But that's never permanent. The trouble, the pain is always there. It ebbs and flows. When it floods me, and I can't make it stop or see the end, I hear it's siren call. Come. Rest. I hear the voice now, but it's distant. I can resist.
But I've felt the darkness mute the noonday sun, and that voice drips it's bittersweet poison into my ear, come, end the pain. Just one step, and you'll be free. It can be very, very appealing, at those times. But so far, so far, I gag and choke on those words, and live. In pain, but living. So far, so good.
get help! professional help, please. Don't rely on dumb Netboards for your mental health.
get help! professional help, please. Don't rely on dumb Netboards for your mental health.
A professional will likely prescribe talk therapy. What is it that we're doing here? Are we less than human?
good point Flint! (more than human, personally :) ) but --a professional can also prescribe medication. And if this person is in such deep distress as to be suicidal, he? may need more help than just talk therapy.
Talking to anonymous people remotely is not the same as being in the same room with a caring person. Not to mention the casual cruelty or unlucky wording people can put forth on forum boards, which might make things worse.
I just get rather alarmed when people start talking about suicide. I do see, in the other thread, that this person has been seeing a counselor, so I'm relieved.
Thank you. I understand what you're saying. I know that talk therapy can be a part of the solution, along with medication; but medication won't magically fix something that you haven't talked out/dealt with.
I suppose what I was trying to say is that I think the internet represents an advance in human communication, not a setback. Weigh the factors you mentioned against the fact that you can instantly recieve opinions from geographically remote areas and culturally diverse sources, for instance.
Deuce, go see a therapist, counsellor, crisis worker, your EAP, somebody. Call 1-800-SUICIDE, they'll connect you to your local crisis center.
Oh, I agree with you Flint. It's great to be able to talk stuff out, and sometimes the anonymous factor can be a great benefit.
I also agree with Wolf. When someone starts talking about suicide, it's time to get real, professional help.
...
I also agree with Wolf. When someone starts talking about suicide, it's time to get real, professional help.
Yes, wolf is an expert in this field, and her expert advice has been posted right here
on the internet! :stickpoke
ow! what is that thing poking me? I'm going to bite it!
The adventure of life is infinitely more interesting.
You've got a lot of things going on, and that's impacting your ability to manage in a lot of different areas of your life. Sort things out one at a time, and remember that you do not do this alone.
Step slightly to one side of that enormous stone block and once you get a different perspective on it, you might find that it contains Michelangeo's David within ...
The Agony and the Ecstasy.
Listen to wolf, she knows of what she speaks.
Sending warm thoughts to you, Deuce.
Hello again. Thank you for your responses, truly.
glatt, you're right. Was bad, got better. Is bad, will get better. I get it. But today, now, when I wrote that, it was pretty bad, pretty bad. You are right. I'll live. But it'll hurt; I'm hurting now. I'm saying ouch.
Flint, wolf, thank you for your kind attention and your caring replies. I am trying to talk. I am in touch with my counselor; today. I *do* need to talk. That's what I'm doing here. (Cloud, the anonymity is a (big) plus here. Additionally, this mode, with all its weaknesses still surpasses not talking in person, my other option).
I need to talk. I need to to be listened to. We're doing that. It's a relief. Thank you.
... I'm saying ouch. ...
I think you've got a sense of humor in there, trying to bust out and lighten things up!
There are quite a few people here who have considered posting the exact same thing (perhaps with different imagery). I still contemplate suicide on a regular basis, but I don't get any catharsis from posting - if you do, at least be assured you are posting in a place that understands.
But seriously take the suggestion of getting professional help - at least call the number Wolf gave next time you feel this way.
No, you're mistaken.
I knew when I wrote that how awkward and understated it sounds. I'm not really capable right now of busting out and lightening things up. But I didn't want to ...
Suicide isn't an issue, thankfully, right now. But I am in so much pain. You're right, ouch isn't really the right word. I didn't want to be ... so hysterical. I'm in agony, I'm facing extraordinary, awful choices. I can't see my way through or out. I'm scared and hurt and worried and unsure.
I do not like the choices facing me.
I am searching wildly for some Kobayashi Maru alternative.
As yet, I have nothing promising, only bad and worse.
divorce is not the end of the world. It's a beginning in fact.
I've lived that chapter before, more than once. I know how that beginning ends and I have no desire to repeat it.
Step slightly to one side of that enormous stone block and once you get a different perspective on it, you might find that it contains Michelangeo's David within ...
insight and poetry.
I concur.
From a movie last night: "Being afraid to die is not a sign of weakness, but that you have a life worth living." You *have* a life worth living. Do not give it away. I'm sorry you're in pain.
Get some help Deuce. As much as we can all talk with you here and hopefully help in some small way, this is not always a positive environment and people do sometimes say things that are not helpful. Find someone who's on your side and can be there for you and get your through this.
You need to get help mate.
Adding my voice to the chorus - get help. Glad to hear that you do understand that this will pass. And post here all you need.
For all of you who posted, thank you for your concern. It looks like the conversation has progressed in a different thread, suicide watch thread, by skyshide. don't know hwere.
I am sorry for your feelings of despair, Deuce. I can't say I have never had similar feelings, myself. You are a truly worthwhile existence. Please believe that. And seek solace where you have known it to be in other times of grief...or times of joy.
They say a person only needs 3 things to be happy in life:
1. Someone to love and love you back.
2. Something to do that challenges you and makes you happy at the end of the day.
3. Something to hope for.
I want to die
I used to say that, but then I quit being a whiney bitch.
SRSLY?
Whut the frak does that mean? Seriously, is that internet shorthand, or somethin'?
orly?
Oh. Then yes, I'm serious. Suicide is for cowards.
I have many problems, but I'm not about to kill myself over them.
That is very close-minded. Most people are irrational when they are contemplating suicide. It usually isn't about someone being mentally weak, but not being in the right state of mind.
I know how it feels to be completely irrational and how stupid I felt afterwards and one of my toughest friends has been through the same thing.
Most people are irrational when they are contemplating suicide. It usually isn't about someone being mentally weak, but not being in the right state of mind.
Never thought of it that way. Good point.
But still, killing oneself means that a person is too cowardly to deal with the pain of life.
why does it have to be cowardly, though? Personally, I think it's more selfish than cowardly.
but suppose you live alone, you have no family, no friends that depend on you. you do a menial job that is easily filled. if no one would notice that you stopped coming to work. There are people like that, I'm sure.
Somehow, they go on day by day. If they decide to end it and see what's next.....how can you fault them? It's their life to relinquish if they choose to. Goes against instinct, obviously, but hey...
But still, killing oneself means that a person is too cowardly to deal with the pain of life.
.....or, are suffering from some sort of depression which has altered their thought processes; or are really, really unhappy and don't see a point in continuing.
The problems that are overwhelming me at the moment are practical.
The reason that they are overwhelming is mental.
I do feel like I can't go on, that I have no way out and the only thing to do is run away - one way or another. I spent last night awake until after 03.00, running through plans in my head to dump my cats on a former work colleague and simply abandon my flat and take off. If I hadn't had the cats to think about I might have left last night.
Morning brings counsel of course, and I realised if I was scared, unhappy and trapped in my own flat last night, how could I possibly improve my lot by sleeping rough on a street somewhere, with danger, hunger and physical discomfort added to my problems.
I think that might be what some people don't understand about wanting to kill yourself - it feels like the only way to end the problems. Moving won't help - they come with you, you are the problem in effect - you are broken and can't mend. That's how I feel at least.
I know if I just ran away and abandoned everything then the mess I am so ashamed of (figuratively and literally) would be found by my family and friends. I also know I wouldn't be there to face the music, so it has some appeal. I also know the stress and worry it would cause them - and the grief if I died as a result - would leave them with a terrible guilt. They would wonder why I couldn't ask them for help.
But how can I? At what point can you say to people who love you, "I know this isn't fair. I know it's my own mess. I know all the time I was getting myself into this trouble you were living sensibly and working hard and maintaining standards and I wasn't. But I want your help to get myself out of this mess because I can't cope."
I know, given the choice they would rather I let them in. I also know they would despise me if I did, and never trust me as a responsible adult again. How can you tell people you feel you are literally at breaking point without sounding like you are emotionally blackmailing them?
You just have to tell them SG. They will help you, and love you more because you trusted them with the things that you can't deal with. They wont judge you. They love you.
Ask them to help you. They want to be there for you, no matter how you feel about yourself.
I know. I have been where you are now. Not so long ago.
Part of my problem is that my moods are up and down.
Right now I am panicked, distressed and ready to do something, anything to get away from what I am feeling.
But I'm scared that if I cry for help (via a call, not something more dramatic) then I will regret it my the time help arrives. Or call again to cancel, in which case I won't be taken seriously.
Of course the irony is that I am in a position where I am the worst person to make decisions about what I do and don't need, and what course I should be taking.
It's all been safely buried in a box in my head for so long, but the box is too full now and it's all threatening to spill out. I'm just not sure how to handle it - my previous ways of coping aren't working (get drunk, go to the cinema, come here) because I can't shut out the reality of the situation any more. But somehow I am incapable of taking any practical steps to improve the situation (start cleaning, start packing, MOVE).
Most of me wants to be rescued. The only remnant of who I really am is horrified by this, but isn't strong enough to get the rest of me motivated.
I know the family Ali. They will judge me.
Apart from that they have their own lives and concerns. Who am I to ask them to put me first?
You are their family, and even if they do judge you, so what? Will they still help you? I'd bet the answer is yes.
When you're stronger you can try and explain how this all happened, but for now, stop worrying about what they'll say or think.
Here's how it happened for me.
When my mum was sick, I was a single parent and money was pretty tight. I ran my credit card way up getting things for her to make her end better. I spent money I didn't have.
After she died, there were so many bills, and I couldn't stretch things any further. I argued with my brother about who should pay and all the rest of it. He was doing pretty well for himself. Nice house, good job. Wife. all that shit. Very conservative.
Finally I had to come clean. Yeah he helped me. Judged me. Pissed me off for about 3 years. But it gave me space to get back on my feet again and that's what mattered.
In the end we had it out. I told him (short version) that if he didn't want to help me without conditions he shouldn't have helped me at all. Ultimately it's worked out for the best. He learned something and I learned a lot.
Just bite the bullet and ask for help. In the long run, it'll be the best thing in the end. Seriously.
Sundae, if you need someone to help you with packing up and stuff, I can come over to Leicester and help. I know that's probably only a small part of what you have to sort out, but seriously, if you need a hand just let me know.
Oh, SG, please just call your family and ask for help. Your post has opened such a painful set of memories for me - I don't want your family to go through the same pain.
Update on the situation.
Well, not much has really changed, except that after the session above I came home via the shop and asked for some more hours - one of my panics was the fact I was running out of money and had no way of earning any more. I'd set this up deliberately as a way of focussing my attention, but it hadn't worked and was just adding to my stress. So I have some hours over the next week, which will help keep the wolf from the door. Not the Wolf - I'd welcome her practical presence right now, and someone used to taking care of an aged patient wouldn't blink twice at my flat!
Anyway - am up early this morning because they have put scaffolding around my flat and it feels freakily like public property. [the plot of land next to mine is being redeveloped and the next door houses and factory are being demolished - been going on for 2 months now]
I was reading and dozing late yesterday morning and heard the approach of the builders. Damn - there's been no activity on the site for 4 days. I scrambled up and into clothes and realised there were two men right in my yard! I only have a voile at the window to protect my modesty, and nothing at all in the kitchen - which I have to pass through to get to the toilet/ bathroom.
So I up and left. Bought chewing gum rather than clean my teeth, used a public lavatory, then went and sat in the library. For 6 hours. In a state of extreme distress. I don't know what I thought was going to happen realistically - at the very least I thought they were taking the wall of my yard down. I just knew I felt violated and couldn't stay there.
When I got home it was a real shock to see the scaffolding. I almost started on the kitchen right there and then - but my nerves had been screaming all day and I admit I just fell asleep. When I woke up it was dark and the panic had subsided, so I watched TV and thought the best bet was to come in here early (I'm working today) and avoid the builders altogether.
So nothing practical has happened, but I am hopeful that tomorrow I can get my act together and start at least on the kitchen. Then I can stop worrying so much about people looking through the window.
Unless the builders work Sunday. Which I'm trying not to think about! If they do, expect to see me online. I might have to tack up a duvet cover over the window, maybe that will give me enough of a feeling of "hiding" to actually get started.
An update - as this seems to have become my I Want to Die thread...
A big thank you btw, to all the people who have sent me messages of support - I have been able to ask for help in the real world thanks to the comments I've received here.
So, I don't want to die today. Yesterday I made a start on clearing the rubbish from my flat. I wasn't working Tuesday or Wednesday, but it took me til Thursday to get anything done. Ah never mind, at least I made a start.
Dana has incredibly kindly offered to help me this weekend - I have bitten her arm off. So if she seems to be avoiding my posts next week you'll know why.
I put two chairs out next to some rubbish yesterday afternoon. Within 40 minutes, in broad daylight, behind the wall that separates my flat from the pavement - they went! I was going to put my dining chairs out this morning in the hope of the same result but sadly it's raining and I think that wet chairs won't appeal to the scavengers as much.
I'm still shaking my head over it now. I was perfectly happy about it - I was disposing of them anyway, it's just the sheer effrontery. Funnily enough, I used to remark on the fact I had never seen people walking down the street with a chair until I moved to Leicester. I always assumed they were walking to a family event and bringing their own seating. Now I wonder if all of them were rubbish pickers instead.
I put two chairs out next to some rubbish yesterday afternoon. Within 40 minutes, in broad daylight, behind the wall that separates my flat from the pavement - they went! I was going to put my dining chairs out this morning in the hope of the same result but sadly it's raining and I think that wet chairs won't appeal to the scavengers as much.
I'm still shaking my head over it now. I was perfectly happy about it - I was disposing of them anyway, it's just the sheer effrontery. Funnily enough, I used to remark on the fact I had never seen people walking down the street with a chair until I moved to Leicester. I always assumed they were walking to a family event and bringing their own seating. Now I wonder if all of them were rubbish pickers instead.
I heard there were areas in France where people routinely leave their throwaway furniture outside their houses for people to take if they want it. The English word for it is apparently 'gleaning'. My brother finds all sorts of stuff like that, takes it home and strips it down, recovers it and so on. Only if it's obvious its being thrown....like if it's in a skip.
SG, glad you are feeling a bit better.
I alway slow down and carefully look over piles of promising trash when I'm walking past one. I've gotten some pretty good stuff over the years.
It's wonderful to hear you've been able to ask for help, SG. As far as 'not getting anything done until Thursday' goes, it was making a start, as you said. You should be proud of that. My own experiences with (mild) depression showed me how apathetic and listless I could be. I sometimes found myself being quite happy I'd managed to do something as simple as cooking dinner. I hope your situation continues to improve.
I suppose rubbish picking may be popular all over. I've most often heard it referred to as "dumpster diving." (I believe "gleaning" is a much nicer term.) My boss and one of my fellow employees often bring furniture, tools, and appliances into work -- items they found being tossed by people along their route to work. They repair/ spruce up these finds and either take them home or sell them on e-Bay.
SG, I, too, am glad you're able to ask for help and accept it when offered, and that things are looking up for you. I left a relatively new flymo lawnmower and strimmer that I just kept breaking by the rubbish and they've gone walkies, too. I'm only too glad if someone else has managed to make'em work - they just weren't the tools for my clumsy attempts at garden maintenance and I was fed up with having to pay for repairs.
Just to do a quick update. Since SG doesn't currently have access to internet now.
I went over to Leicester on the train yesterday, met up with Sundae. It was really nice to meet her face to face (first time I've ever met a dwellar irl!) and we started out with a visit to a pub, where we sat outside and drank beers. Got talking to a strange (if slightly compelling) chap and generally had a laugh.
Then went over to her house. Did a bunch of bagging and boxing and sorting. Was quite funny to see how many of her books I also have at home :P Then when we'd done that for a few hours, we went back into town, had another pint and a subway (meatball marinara for me. I am convinced I could live solely on that) and I caught the train back home.
I think Sundae is getting on top of it again. She said to say hi :)
Cool! I'm glad both that she's working at it and that you had some fun while lending a hand.
I heard there were areas in France where people routinely leave their throwaway furniture outside their houses for people to take if they want it. The English word for it is apparently 'gleaning'. My brother finds all sorts of stuff like that, takes it home and strips it down, recovers it and so on. Only if it's obvious its being thrown....like if it's in a skip.
Here in Ann Arbor ,Michigan, that's what you do -put it on the kerb and hope someone takes it. Otherwise you have to pay to dump it. I love this system. I suspect it's pretty universal in the US.
p.s. just in case it's not obvious, skip = dumpster.
Thanks for the update Dana. Cool you two got to meet, and I'm glad SG is doing better. She's a fine human being, and you're not so bad yourself Dana. :)
Here in Ann Arbor ,Michigan, that's what you do -put it on the kerb and hope someone takes it. Otherwise you have to pay to dump it. I love this system. I suspect it's pretty universal in the US.
I've only had it happen for me once, when I was moving out of a house in DC. Almost every item I put out in the alley for garbage pickup disappeared within an hour of being thrown out, from lamps to wrapping paper to dead plants, and even a 4' x 6' collage of magazine photos my (then teenage) sister had made. It was a little weird.
I want to say goodbye.
I want to say a lot of things. I hurt. I'm scared and confused. I'm angry. I am overwhelmed.
I have nowhere to turn. I have no one who will stand for me. There are some people who have politely listened to my crying and complaining, some of you. I'm tired. All my life, I've done it myself. And now, I can't. I don't see how
I'm no t really very clear right now nsorry.
I want someone else to carry this weight. I want help. I coan't do it myslef..
...
imagining what happens when they find me dead..
weak. incapable. hardheaded prideful do it yourselfish fucker. despised and derided in death as in life. alone, still, again, still forever. Wife will say I knew he was fucked up. good riddance. free at last. free from his stalking. free from his violence and his demeaning belittling meanness. no more of his lying and his dictating. His interference and his
OlderSon will say good, glad he's gone. now we can be happy. can I have his stuff?
MiddleDaughter will cry, may miss me some.
YoungerSon will be stunned, but the propaganda from W will rush in to fill the void. nothing good will be said about me and the whole episode will be spun as a silver lining. emancipation. I will be remembered as something survived. Something endured, like Auschwitz. Thank God that's over!
Mother will cry, won't understand.
Sisters will cry, rage impotently at W, decrease communication with W and YS from current zero to minus one.
BrotherOne may not notice.
BrotherTwo will cry, will understand. Will shake his head in sadness that I wasn't stronger. will recover.
A handful of others will notice, a couple will care. none will be deflected in the slightest from their course in life. A few dwellars will eventually notice, one or more will gloat. My dog will suffer a loss of status, become an outdoor dog. Work will pay bureaucratic notice only.
I'll have to be cleaned up or picked up or something. A part of somebody's job. But it won't be "care" really. But at least the pain and the noise will stop.
Deuce. Please, please get some counselling. Many of us here are only too willing to listen and to offer advice, but you need someone who knows what they are doing/talking about. You sound to me like you are carrying too heavy a weight to deal with alone. There is nothing shameful in seeking help. You don't have to deal with this by yourself. Talk to your doctor, seek some counselling, please.
All good thoughts you Deuce.
Duece - STOP. TAKE A MOMENT. CALL A SUICIDE HOTLINE RIGHT NOW - -800-784-2433. DO NOT LET ANYONE HAVE SO MUCH CONTROL OVER YOU AS TO MAKE YOU TAKE YOUR OWN LIFE.
I have mostly avoided this thread. But, I am honestly emotionally upset at the thought of you taking your life. Please, do not.
Deuce, I don't want to say goodbye. Everyone has worth, so please don't underestimate your own. I wish I could do something to help you, brother. As Dana said, please talk to a professional. I'm praying for you and hope you find the right help.
Oh god, Deuce. Please call a hotline or something. You are worthy. Please please please listen to theotherguy. We're hurting for you, with you. That must mean something.
Good idea. Please take care.
THank goodness. Please post whenever you need to.
We are here for you.
Hang in there, Deuce. Get professional assistance and keep talking to us, as you want. You are important to us, and others, I am sure.
Duece please post so that at least we know you are ok. My thoughts and prayers are with you. If there is anything I can do......
Deuce, I am so glad you called for help. Please never be afraid to ask for help or take help that's offered. You cannot imagine what an appalling tragedy it would be for your family if you were to kill yourself. Believe me - I do know what I am talking about.
I'm with all the others here - your life has worth, but you cannot see that yourself right now. Please stay with us.
Well I did it, I've moved - with a lot of help. Dana didn't give any sense of what a lifesaver she was in her post - I felt incapable of moving from my sofa, let alone Leicester until she came into my flat. In fact I tried to persuade her not to help me but for the two of us to sneak off to an all you can eat South Indian buffet instead... but she's made of stronger stuff than me.
Anyway, I will post more in the Cities & Travel thread re my new living arrangements, but just to say I've arrived safely. I am going to try and get registered on Monday at my HM's doctors and try to start getting straightened out.
Thanks again - a million times - to Dana, and to everyone kind enough to offer online support.
Ah, the first step.... the tough one. It's all good from here on in. Congratulations. Thanks, Dana.
Well done Dana, well done SG!
Hey, Sundae, good to hear from you. I'm glad things are looking better for you, and it's also good to know that modesty is on Dana's long list of virtues.
I hope your new home will be a very happy one. Keep up the good work; you deserve all the benefits that will come from it.
Glad to hear from you, Sundae. I hope you'll be around more often now that you've finished your move. And thanks, Dana--the world needs more people who are insistent on helping others in need. :)
Well I'm getting organised, and happier. My first emotion when I wake up isn't fear, and the knot in my stomach seems to be loosening. It doesn't feel like real life yet, but that's possibly because it doesn't conform to what I have been brought up to see as normal - get up, go to work, earn some money, spend some money, come home.
I am registered with a good, modern practice and my GP has put me back on paroxetine (Seroxat/ Paxil). I go back in 30 days to see how I'm getting on. I'm waiting for the side effects to kick in like they did last time - the loss of appetite would be helpful for a start! I don't know if it has less effect if you've taken it before - that sounds like dodgy science, but I have to think of some reason I'm not twitching like a fool this time...
I seem to be eligible for a number of benefits that will allow me to mend myself before having to find work. I feel slightly sheepish about this, and certainly about admitting it here where I know benefits are considered to be a cop-out unless you are actually physically incapable of work. In my defence I do have a very strong work ethic and have had two or three simultaneous jobs most of my adult life. I have never had any form of support from the system (aside from things that everyone has like education and healthcare) and I genuinely feel if I take this time and get myself properly well I will be able to make a much more effective contribution to society. And yes, I'm justifying it to myself more than you.
Unfortunately I had to get back in contact with my previous workplace to get my final payslip (lost in the move) before I can complete my claim. Despite asking them on Monday and explaining I was penniless until the forms were processed, I have still not received this - which I feel is a little disrespectful when I worked hard for them for over 3 years and bent over backwards to be helpful and accommodating. So the short term money situation is grim - probably another 2 weeks before I get it sorted. Still, there is food in the freezer and cupboard, I have a huge plasma screen tv with satellite channels and the boys and I have a clean, safe home over our heads so I really mustn't sulk - things could be so much worse.
On Monday I go to a clinic to discuss my issues with alcohol. The counselling service I was originally referred to suggested I may be alcohol dependent, so I have to see a medical service before they can take me. Although I've been referred, it's essentially a self-referral clinic and Monday is their drop in day, so it's not like I'm considered a serious problem to the rest of the population. I just figured while I was trying to sort my life out I may as well try to sort it all out.
I feel I've been given a period of grace - it might be the eye of the storm but I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts at least. I've been reading, watching tv and taking reasonably long walks. I've been able to unpack all my belongings, arrange my room, keep myself and my clothes and this place clean and contact the various authorities in order to get in order, if you see what I mean. I see all this as very positive. I can only trust that there will be progress, in its own time, and ambition, and a return to normal life.
More positives - that's great, SG. It sounds like you're being honest with yourself; while that's not always easy it can make all the difference in the world. You keep taking good care of yourself. Good luck with the wankers and that payslip, too.
Hey SG - nice to see you heading in the direction thats right for *you*.
Dont give the benefits a second thought, this is you time and you have done more than your fair share to contribute to the time you need to take now.
I am constantly amazed at what lies behind dwellars every day posts and I have to selfishly admit that it makes it a tiny bit easier for me when I have those *moments*. It just helps me remember that everyone has issues in some shape or form and I am not broken when I have them.
Sorry SG, didnt mean to hijack your posts, it just amazes me that someone as kind and giving as you, and someone who can put together the kind of posts you do....some issues that need to be dealt with too.
I hope that doesnt offend you (or anyone) at all, I'm having trouble putting thoughts into words tonite.
I'm wishing you the best, Sundae.
Thanks, Sundae.
You so deserve this time. Try not to feel guilty about it. Just breathe and take it in. I'm rooting for you, you know.
Sundae, I'm glad things seem to be improving for you. I think this move was a good thing for you.
Brianna, it's good to see you back.
SG - take your time to heal yourself. Depression is incapacitating, so don't feel sheepish about using incapacity benefit to help you out of it. You paid in to the system so that you can use it in time of need.
Wishing you all the best!
Wonderful to hear that things are looking up! Keep us posted.
SG I think its great that you are "getting things together." Don't feel bad at all for utilizing the benefits from the system - YOU are the kind of person those benefits were created for in the first place. I would much rather they go to someone like you than others who simply abuse the system or live off of it. Take your time and sort it all out - I wish you the best. I hope & pray for a speedy return/recovery.
Oh and welcome back Bri - I missed you.
SG great job with the progress you've made thus far. Could we have pics of you and your new surrounding asap please?
I'm glad things are going better for you SG. Good luck with the counselling. Everyone needs a bit of help sometimes.
Deuce, how are you doing?
You can see enough of other's viewpoints to extrapolate some pretty deep stuff ... you see some of your value through others eyes, how's about through your own?
Deuce, how are you doing?
You can see enough of other's viewpoints to extrapolate some pretty deep stuff ... you see some of your value through others eyes, how's about through your own?
Hello wolf, all.
Thank you for thinking of me and asking about me. Today's a good day. I'm not trying too hard, mostly just coasting along, trying to avoid situations where conflict might be likely. A respite of sorts.
Counselor (pedantically) repeated his suggestions for how to be happy (paraphrasing). Frankly the last session was a waste of time and $200. Another chorus of "you can only take care of you" and "when you let go of attachment to outcome, you'll be free from pain" and how to get in touch with my core spirit, and how acting and being outside that core is bad and how to get back to that center.
Here's my disconnect with his viewpoint. He says detachment from outcome frees me from the pain of disappointment, inevitable disappointment. (I'm not really explaining it very well. If you're having trouble following along, it's not you... it's kind of screwy and I'm telling it poorly. Sorry.) To me that means, "don't care" how things turn out--he says no. The difference is lost on me.
When I was younger, I read a great book by Zig Ziglar
See You At The Top. Among the positive impressions the book made on me, was a story about the value of setting goals. There were two illustrations that have stayed with me. Imagine a basketball player shooting a free throw. He takes the ball, lines up, he shoots, he scores! Easy peasy. But now, take that same fella, blindfold him, turn him around twenty times put the ball somewhere on the floor, what do you have? An absurd example, sure. But the point I took from it was that to hit the target, you have to have an idea where that target is. It's helpful to see the target, and to have the ball, and to shoot it. The other example was of a mountain climber. No one, *ever* looked around, startled and surprised, to find themselves on top of Mount Everest. To get to the top, you have to plan, and work. It will not just fall into your lap, "whoa! where'd that come from?!" None of my goals will happen that way.
So when I'm counseled to abandon my .... attachment to outcome (? wtf?!), it frankly doesn't compute. I *know* what I want. I'm not vague about that. I am also flexible as to the method by which I arrive at that goal. I dont' care if it's a blue highway, or surface streets or whatever. Give up my attachment to outcome? Like, just get in the car and drive and *hope* I wind up at work? I wonder what his take on abandoning attachment to outcome would be if I was indifferent about bringing his fee to the appointment.
I want a happy marriage. I'm willing to work, work hard, at that noble worthy task. I want good communication. That can be hard as well, but I'm in for that one too. But each of those goals requires a similar commitment from another person. *That*, my friends, is out of my control. And that is a problem. I can't control another person. Frankly, despite the lies in the press to the contrary, I don't want to control anyone else. I have a hard enough time controlling myself. I want an equal. I want a partner. I don't want a mommy-surrogate, or a pet, or a toy. An adult whose goals and commitements are aligned with my goals and commitments. An adult whose priorities resemble mine. That is my goal.
The path I have been following toward that goal has been with my wife, naturally. But, needless to say, I have not reached either of those goals. I haven't spent much time enjoying either one. Neither is a finish line to cross, more of a ... zone, a space. And I've been absent from them, no, alone in my labors in whatever space I have been in.
So for the last several days, I have been striving and failing, rinse repeat. God, it's tiresome. So I gave up. I invited my wife to have dinner with me and my mom, for her birthday last night. W never sees M, maybe two or three times a year. Hemmed, hawed, passively declined. "Oh, I have some club stuff to do". Whatever. "Invite her grandson." So I called home, only to find out that they had planned a trip to the mall, and I just declined to invite. I can't compete. I "let go of the outcome". Sure enough, after dinner with mom, I got a ration at home as to why I didn't ask the boy. I said I was tired of getting turned down and didn't want to compete with a shopping trip. "Oh, but he would probably have said yes, if only you'd asked him." *sigh*
I'm rambling.. and whining. Two of my least favorite things, on either end of the transaction. Sorry.
I'm ok today. At the counseling appointment, he asked what I did to make the conflicts I had with other people worse. I thought for a little while and said I could identify two aspects of my behavior that made (the inevitable) conflicts with those around me less smooth than they could be. The first was a tendency to do more than I ought to in a given relationship. Spoiling kids, for example. Over-pleasing. His take was that this was an innocent but misguided attempt to get love or approval of the other person. There's the ring of truth to this. He said actions inside my comfort zone were just part of my good nature. Sure, I'm a people pleaser. But that actions outside my comfort zone, especially as they got bigger and bigger without generating the desired approval / reciprocity / love from the subject of my actions would accumulate a certain amount of resentment.
And that that resentment built up until some day when the cap is left off the toothpaste... POW! To the moon, Alice! Ok. I understand how that could flow. He dovetailed it nicely into the second aspect of my behavior that I suggested made my conflicts worse, and that was high rigid standards.
He connected A to B neatly saying if that little boy inside me didn't get the love he sought, that he deserved, especially after the foot massage and the pony, that the tantrum that followed was inevitable. Hmm. This I followed, but didn't buy. I'm not talking about a tantrum. I have been disappointed, yes, but I'm a grown man, not a child. Let me ask you (as I asked him), does this sound like a tantrum? Like rigidity?
I want an equal. I want a partner. I don't want a mommy-surrogate, or a pet, or a toy. An adult whose goals and commitments are aligned with my goals and commitments. An adult whose priorities resemble mine. That is my goal.
His key point in this whole millieu is that the striving for love and approval is the action of the ego, and doomed. It doesn't come from one's center. And being off balance by definition will wind up in the ditch. Furthermore, each other person is working from *their* ego and similarly unbalanced. On top of that, the little boy inside seeking love and comfort and security (he exists, but he doesn't run the show) can not be satisfied by some outside source of the love he seeks, for two reasons. One, he's a hole with no bottom (and everyone else is too, in their ego-centric way). And two, that no one has that to give. A deadly combo. He proposes this solution. Return to your own center. Realize the needs and the potent delusion of that little boy, but live act and think from your center. Where your soul is, where your strength is, where your backbone is. Return to that center by breathing. By meditation. By giving yourself permission to feel [......] negative feeling.
About this time I'm hearing the little finger cymbals in the background and the oooommm mani padme oooommmm.... I don't mean to disparage it completely, but ... that's not, seriously NOT what I'm looking for when I came in. I was looking for some tools to help me communicate with my wife. Some somethings to help us get out of the ditch when we drove into it (which happens a-l-l the time). No gots. Shit.
Then he hits me (again) with the punchline, that abandoning attachment to outcome, acting from my center, the power of an open heart, would make me exactly the thing she would want to be around. Uh-huh. Rite.
Strangely, last night, after my dinner with my mom (alone, not with wife or son), I took my resigned self home and did a little computer work, and kept to myself. Wife made a number of conversational gambits. !! But they weren't very fruitful. Being disconnected from outcome
did relieve some of the anxiety, but being off, disconnected, aloof. What's the damn point? I'm a living passionate man, I don't want to be shut down. I don't play hard to get. I'm plain spoken, and being unconcerned about the outcome just doesn't sit well with me. I am not uncaring. I do care. And caring more risks more and hurts more. Don't get me wrong. I'm not making some ongoing emotional cost benefit analysis. I simply am a man with strong feelings. Ones I can't turn off. I can exert a measure of control over them, but I can't deny them. I can't not have them.
I do have that little boy inside. He does want love and approval. So does the man that is in my soulful center. I'm not seeking to be validated only by external sources. I do have a strong sense of my own worth. It is true that that vision is sometimes clouded by pain and despair. Those are the times when the feelings are the dominant drivers of my thoughts and actions. It's like hydroplaning on the highway. I have to just hang on and try not to exacerbate the out of control situation. No big motions, no wild overreactions, in a minute (if we don't hit a tree) my head and hands will be in charge once more. Today, my head's in charge.
It's good to hear from you, Deuce. I'm glad you've got a counselor and hope that he works out well for you despite the confusion and your discontent with your last session.
Indeed, today looks like a good day for you. This post seems more calm and collected than some others. It is heartening that you have some moments of relative peace.
I continue to pray for you and wish you the best. May you have strength, courage, and success in all your efforts.
Deuce, good to hear from you!
Maybe it would have made more sense if the counselor had said, "expectation of" instead of "attachment to" an outcome?
In my own experience...wanting to please others is great, but only if doing it pleases you, or you're willing to make a sacrifice in some situations. Because when you expect that your good deeds will and/or should be reciprocated, you set yourself up for disappointment.
I just saw these latest posts.
I don't know if the people in my "real" life understand it, but I feel lucky to have found a community such as this. So many of us are struggling with ourselves: who am I, why am I here, does it matter. To know that people here I care about, and respect, have issues makes me feel less alone in the world, and I think that it affects others here in the same way.
SG: you know I think the world of you, girl. This reprieve sounds like what you need. Use it to your advantage, and don't feel guilty that you can have such an opportunity. I see abuses of the system all the time, but to balance that are those who have earned the right to utilize the benefits, and make the most of it. You are definitely in the latter category.
Duece: sounds like you are heading up the right road. I wish you all the best. I know it's not easy.
Brianna: I miss you. You're a funny, smart person. I hope we see you around here more.
Duece, there's a book by a priest (I know, funny coming from me) which is about exactly what your shrink(?) is talking about. I'm just trying to think of the book and author name without having to go get it off the book shelf. Anyway, it talks about exactly that, and it's a great philosophy. Oooh, the name of the book is Awareness. Now let me think of the Author. I'll probably have to look it up. Anthony De Mello.
Anyway, it's only a pulp fiction sized book, so doesn't take long to read.
Might be worth a look if you have the time. I've found that although I don't totally 'get' everything or how to actually do it, there are some great tips.
Quick update on my situation, because this is where the rest of the information is.
I finally received my payslip on Monday and promptly sent off my benefit claim. I haven't heard anything yet, but I have reasonable confidence that some money will go into my account this week. The trouble is, while I've been waiting, charges have been applied to my account because I was overdrawn without authorisation. I may not actually have any spending money until mid month. I'm very lucky to be in the situation I'm in and not dependent on the money for food or in danger of being evicted if I don't pay rent. To be on the safe side, as soon as I get my first housing benefit I'm going to change the recipient so my housemate (genuinely my landlord, just not on my back about payment) will get the money direct to the account he pays his mortgage from.
Money isn't a major worry for me here and now though - it will sort itself at at some point, and getting well is more of a priority. I will change my tune if they close my bank account of course, that would be a major hassle - keep your fingers crossed my money goes in soon for that reason!
I went to the alcohol counselling centre on Monday. It was a drop-in self referral clinic, although I had already been referred officially, the lady I spoke to said I should go along as soon as possible. When I got there I was terrified. There were a couple of stereotypical alcoholics outside, with the leathered faces and vacant stares of those are only supported by their clothes and hope of the next drink. I threw back my pretty head and hoped anyone looking would assume I was a member of staff. I inwardly laughed at my own arrogance of course.
After waiting about 40 minutes I talked to a very understanding lady. She was pleasant enough, but didn't listen very well given her profession. I suppose that's really mean of me, given that it's a free service, but I wonder about the notes she makes during counselling if she has trouble taking down factual information. It's not like I was crying or mumbling - having run the gauntlet coming in I was determined to be all Dragnet about things - just the facts Ma'am.
Anyway, I am on a waiting list for a full assessment, then they will determine what help I need and whether they are the right place to provide it. I feel I am at the lower end of the people they deal with (in terms of the seriousness of the situation) if not off their scale completely. We'll see.
As we finished she checked the time and noted that there was a session of free ear acupuncture running. She seemed so excited to be able to offer me the opportunity that I felt only a hardbitten old cynic could disappoint her. Having used up my store of hardbitten that day I went along.
Now I am NOT a people person. I was NOT happy to find I was about to be punctured in the company of two men who certainly looked like they met the centre's criteria for treatment. And I certainly wasn't going to enjoy a relaxing session in a room full of filing cabinets and posters about Hepatitis, and no amount of new age music or incense was going to change that. Anyway I think if any alternative therapies worked they would be earning a multi-national company a fortune in the same way drugs do.
Not that I was approaching it with a closed mind of course.
It hurt. Not on the left, but on the right ear. She said it was because I was right handed, so my right side was more sensitive. I thought, no you're getting sloppy as you go on you silly mare. But once they were in, I retreated to a corner and put my feet up, prepared to do the breathing exercises sugested and see how I got on.
It was great.
I drifted away - awake and conscious, but uncaring of my surreal surroundings. I loved it. I'm going back next week. Long term effects - doubtful. Short term - a sore ear. But those 45 minutes were blissful and I'll keep going until their funding (for this anyway) runs out in September.
Oh and I went to see my parents on Friday - they're housesitting in Richmond (VERY swanky part of London). We had a lovely walk in Richmond Park, failed to see any deer despite the fact my Mum promised them to me - all I got was slight sunburn. They took me for a pub meal and were very good to me. They made me feel normal and like a good daughter, not a depressed dolescum alcoholic. Bless them.
So - waiting to hear from the benefit office and the counselling centre. In the mean time walking as much as I can, eating three sensible meals a day and getting into a routine. Despite the seroxat causing sleep problems I do feel calmer and less prone to panic about things. Onwards and upwards.
I'm glad to see you again SG. I've missed you around the traps.
Yup, good to see you SG.
Wishing you well.
It's good to see you again rkz. Your son must be happy to have you home again huh?
Yeah, he is hyper as hell. Good to see. He stayed up till midnight.
Well that's what kids are good for. :)
It seriously is good to see you home again though. There were a lot of people here very worried about you.
Thanks and I appreciated all the great posts. Means a lot to me and it meant a lot to Kan.
Thats cuz you mean a lot to us - you're an integral part of the community.
[size=1][COLOR="Silver"]I am very very sad today.[/COLOR][/size]
Hope your feeling better soon - I have noticed that you've been posting in other areas - kind of getting more involved:)
The one good thing about days Deuce, is they're only ever 24 hours long. Tomorrow may be a better day. Even if it's not, the one after might.
[size=1][COLOR="Silver"]I am very very sad today.[/COLOR][/size]
You're going to have your assortment of good days and sad days, strange days, and days you're not yet ready to allow yourself to recognize as having been absolutely normal. Just keep having days. They're all different, if you look for it.
Poor thing. oh sad. Situational depression is the worst- because there a lot of things you don't control....and don't know how they are going to turn out. Sorry Deuce.
These things take a lot of time. It's not forever though.
Focus helps too - one foot after the other and one day after the next - they all add up to this trip we call life. FWIW today totally sucked for me too. I'm way ahead of you on the situational scale, but those days they come and then they go - if we let them go, that is. They also get a lot less frequent as time passes. Hang tight buddy.
close the windows, draw the curtains.
Sit down.
no, don't reach for it, we'll bring it to you.
Look here.
see these things, see these pictures?
Remember these?
this was your wife, these were your children.
You loved them.
your work is done, you are unneeded and unwelcome.
Go away.
You are needed you are wanted - you are welcome You ARE LOVED - don't lose sight of that - draw the curtains open the window and let the world in.
Your children still love and need you. Now more than ever.
I would suggest going somewhere on-line, someone please help me with this, where kids deal with having parents who have killed themselves.
They ALWAYS blame themselves. "Was I not enough for him/her to stay?" "What did I do?"
There have been times where it is the only think that has kept me alive.
I have gotten past that, but I could never leave that on him.
There's no shame in calling the helpline again Deuce.
Right now, this is it, the raw edge of it. But you won't always be at the raw edge. There will come a time, and you have to believe this, that you will feel okay. There will come a time when things are easier. And you will find yourself feeling okay, feeling strong. You just have to ride this out as best you can and has horrible as it is: it is not forever, it is not your life, it is the here and now and it will pass as everything does.
I don't know you and I haven't followed your saga. But I can tell you that I am about to log off because I have to leave now for a very dear friend's funeral. He took his own life 3 days ago rather than split up with his partner. He couldn't imagine life outside of the relationship and decided it wasn't worth it. I have spoken to literally hundreds of people in the last 3 days that are stunned and horrified at the loss of this good man. He was a good friend to each and every one of us. He was always there. Yet he saw no value in his life. So we don't have him anymore.
Pick up the phone and call a friend right now. Tell him/her how you are feeling. Don't stop talking until you can't think of another word to say. The ask them to hold you accountable for your emotional state on a daily basis. The people around you DO want to help. I'm sure of that.
Hire a professional to walk you through this emotional mess. Do it immediately. A permanent solution to a temporary problem is never the answer.
Dear lookout123,
I am very saddened to hear about your tragic loss. You don't know me, or my saga, but I have read what you have written and my heart breaks.
I am that man. There is no such friend for me. Letting go has been the most on target, repeated advice given to me lately. I am letting go. How do you let go of your heart?
I'm so sorry to hear your story, I'm sorry.
I guess some clarification is in order. I don't "want to die". But I am so sad. I have been exsanguinated. Drained. Wrung. Dessicated. Squeezed and crushed. It's all tears, all the time.
Today I am just profoundly, deeply sad. I'm so sad.
I've been there, done that, and I have the t-shirt. If you've read my divorce (filed under Merry F'in Chrismas) story then you know some of what I went through a year or so ago. All I can say is that there is no easy way to let go. But there will be a moment in the coming days when you will stop and say "hey, i feel pretty good". And then that will pass and you'll feel horrible again. Then another bright shining moment will come and it will last longer. After a little while you will wake up to realize that although there are still rough patches, you actually feel alive again. That is when you are turning the corner. Then you'll find yourself noticing how much happier you are now that you don't have to deal with "A" that the ex used to say or do. You will find more and more of that until one day, a day you can't even imagine right now - you will wake up and spend the whole day doing whatever it is that you do without really missing that other person. Now it is time to start enjoying life.
I suggest counseling just to help you walk through it, but counselors aren't magicians. The pain won't magically go away. It's like breaking a bone. The pain goes away so gradually that you don't even notice it until one day you realize you are pain free.
Keep getting up every day and living life. Create a new routine. Find a new hobby. Stay busy. It gets better.
That's some very sound advice Lookout.
L123 is correct
I'm 3 1/2 years into my divorce and all I can think about her now is, what a fuckin' bitch. Holy crap, how did I let myself get controlled so horribly by a woman who never really loved me. She's such a competitive person, how can she be such a downright loser in the long run. What a stupid relationship it was and how I couldn't see that while I was in it. I bawled like a baby when we split up, now I laugh at what a happier life I have. And also, what a loving relationship I have now with Jacquelita, better in every way. This is not bragging, just to point out how things change over time. Your thoughts about her and what she did and what she does, will change dramatically over time. I Guarantee It.
You've hit the nail on the head there UT. It's always hard at the begining...but time really does change your perspective.
L123 said it better than I could - and UT furthered it - I agree 100%
Deuce--YOU have HELPED ME! Reading this thread has really helped and encouraged me--you are NOT a nothing with no one--you have me! And see---? you don't even know me!
I am now getting my benefits through regularly every two weeks, although my budgeting still leaves a lot to be desired. I'm not paying my share of the bills yet - although my half of the mortgage is paid for me - it would be very tricky if I had to. I've always defended people living on benefits against those who suggest it's living off the fat of the land. I'm glad I did now - it would be vey hard if I didn't have a solvent and understanding friend as a landlord.
I now get 1/2 price travel on buses and trams - 50p a journey, with a cap of £1.50 per 24 hours (all done electronically by swiping a card). This is marvellous and I've been learning the local bus routes. Once I get a new battery charger for my camera I promise I'll take some clips for you.
I'm still up & down mood-wise. find it hard to be in crowds, to feel confident I've done something simple like got the right bus-stop and some days it takes me til 14.00 to get the motivation to do something like load the dishwasher or go to the shops. Some days however I get up at 09.00, have a bath, pack a lunh and a book an hit the town.
Eating is still tricky - I often survive on two meals a day -one of which is a smoothie for breakfast. I can certainly stand to lose weight, so it's not a symptom that worries me. Sleeping is dreadful though Awake til 02.00 or 03.00 most nights and rarely doig anything other than dozing after 07.00. I had some occasional use sleeping tablets from my GP, but they worked so well I took them every night and some afternoons when I needed a break from being me. I daren't ask for more too quickly!
I was brave yesterday and asked about volunteering in a local charity shop. The manager nearly bit my arm off, but when I looked at the application form I realised I needed a letter from my GP to say I'm fit to volunteer (as I'm not fit to work full time) and a ref from my previous employers - these are the people that took a week just to put a payslip in a letter and post it. I'm still going to do it, but it will take longer than I thought.
My alcohol counsellor wants me to do some group work. Bleurgh. My HM agrees with her. So that's the next unpleasant step. I'm going to call today about going a local CBT group - honest. And leave the group alcohol counselling until I've started that. I just doubt I'll appreciate sitting round with a group of (other) losers talking about drink. I hated Weight Watchers for goodness sakes!
I think that's it, all updated, thanks for having me.
SG - you're not a loser. You have made all these efforts to get yourself back on track. "You've come a long way baby";)
Glad things are on the up and up SG!
:)
Hey where's Deuce again? Deuce? Paging Deuce!!
How are ya?
If you look closely, you will see Deuce. Remember, Deuce stands for "two."
Hang in there sundae girl. There are so many parts of you that I wish I had.
Your wit and yer brains for one :)
Hey where's Deuce again? Deuce? Paging Deuce!!
How are ya?
I'm not dead yet. Be patient.
Now is a very bad time.
Nope, not allowed, sorry.
Rules, you know. Once you click on accept, you're legally bound by the rules.
Rule 37b: After 150 posts and/or raising the concern of 3 or more Cellar Chicas, the party of the first part (you), is not allowed to bum out the party of the second part (us), by dieing.
I know I'm kind of late on this, but I'll put my two cents in anyway.
Having gone through depression, up and down, my whole life, I understand those feelings of hopelessness.
I can't say that I know how it feels to want to die so badly that you come thisclose to doing it, but I do know how it feels to want to just go to sleep and never wake up. I'm too much of a coward to commit suicide, in the first place, and too nosy in the second place. I'm positive that if I kill myself, something seriously cool will happen, and I'll miss it. *shrug*
I also understand how marriage problems can kick off depression. It's the closest relationship you have, one that's often, for better or worse (no pun intended), intertwined with your image of yourself, and whether we know, logically, that we shouldn't let it dictate how we feel about ourselves, often we can't help it.
I DO know how bad depression sucks, though. It's something you either make it through or you don't, and no one who hasn't been there can know how empty it feels.
Meds DO help, though, and so does talking it out. Sometimes just having someone to listen is all you need, and sometimes the other person can give you a different perspective.
I was told that I suffer from dysthymia (which means a lifelong low-grade depression--isn't THAT fun?) and, maybe Wolf knows what this is, because I've never heard of it-- Bipolar 2-- which, from what they tell me, means you don't get the highs. It's just lows, and your "manic" phase is just worse depression. They're actually combining meds right now to see what equals happy pills for me *shrug*.
I don't know if you're on meds, but sometimes just one doesn't work, and combining them does the trick.
But whatever you do, don't let yourself get isolated. When the only thing you have to do is think, sometimes your thoughts spiral so far down that you can't get out of them.
--And that's bad, mmmmmkaaay?
Nope, not allowed, sorry.
Rules, you know. Once you click on accept, you're legally bound by the rules.
Rule 37b: After 150 posts and/or raising the concern of 3 or more Cellar Chicas, the party of the first part (you), is not allowed to bum out the party of the second part (us), by dieing.
Ha ha, you humor is welcome, even though I can't feel it. Please accept my thanks.
Sorry about the post count overage. As to the heightened concern level of the cellar chicas, that has been purely incidental. There is but one cellar chica, a lurker, whose concern I cultivate. But I'm a damn poor cultivator. I feel more like a resource to be mined. Dug through, carved out, ground up, processed and once the useful bits have been extracted, discarded, preferably far away.
I'm not dead yet. Be patient.
Now is a very bad time.
It is the worst time. It is the in between time. Too far forward to undo what's been done, but not close enough to surrender to cruel fate. Enough space to imagine, futilely, that escape is possible, when in reality, the maximum effect I can affect is to choose which side of the back of my neck meets the blade before the other. I am constrained.
I know I'm kind of late on this, but I'll put my two cents in anyway.
Having gone through depression, up and down, my whole life, I understand those feelings of hopelessness.
Better late than never. I need all the help I can get.
--snip--
I also understand how marriage problems can kick off depression. It's the closest relationship you have, one that's often, for better or worse (no pun intended), intertwined with your image of yourself, and whether we know, logically, that we shouldn't let it dictate how we feel about ourselves, often we can't help it.
This is precisely correct. A Big Part of who I am is Husband. Now, that is being taken away, and it is excruciatingly painful.
--snip--
But whatever you do, don't let yourself get isolated. When the only thing you have to do is think, sometimes your thoughts spiral so far down that you can't get out of them.
--And that's bad, mmmmmkaaay?
Yes. It is bad. I am that far down, a lot. Well, that I'm here typing this must mean that I haven't been that far down, since I'm obviously out/living. But drowning a foot from the surface and drowning a mile from the surface is just as agonizing.
I am alone.
There are some who care. I am thankful for them, and what they do for me. Sometimes, though, it feels hopeless. I still feel alone.
...Imagining what happens when they find me dead...
I feel alone.
I originally stayed out of this thread at it's creation
Deuce, because I was a little suspicious of a newb posting such heavy stuff...then others who are better trained/better with words said the things I felt better than I could have.
But I want you to know now that I have read this thread, and the post about imaginging what it would be like when they find you brought tears to my eyes. Literally. And I read this at work. The thought of my daughter living without a mother is the only thing that kept me from doing something really stupid, when I was where you were/are. I have posted randomly in various places about my depression, PM or Gabbly me anytime regarding this.
You aren't alone. Blood does not make family, only relatives. We are your family, here for you 24/7.
The same goes for you,
Sundae, whom I was unaware was going through such a tough time. (That'll teach me to stay out of threads I'm scared of...) Though it sound like you are beginning to hit the upslide, and I am very happy for that.
Lookout, wow. I am sorry. My uncle committed suicide when I was 12 or so, though for many different reasons, and I saw (even through the limited eyes of a 12yo) how it leaves the family's heads spinning. I hope you and your friends were/are good support for one another. My father (his brother) did not get the help/support he needed, and now that I am older (wiser?) I see what it difference it could have made in his life trying to make sense of it.
:::hugs::: to all of you, especially those who are going through things similar who haven't posted here.
LR
Another Cicero anecdote:
I was at my usual coffee shop this morning, and a regular I talk to sometimes started talking about putting a gun to his head and pulling the trigger. I spent an hour talking him into going to a professional. What is my point you say?
There was a person sitting there the whole time listening to what we were saying, and he was annoyed that I was even talking. That indifferent....no words of encouragement for this man he knows...he was just annoyed that we were talking while he was on the internet.....Then I thought to myself: Buddy, if the world has become this indifferent, do it. I might join you.
Not that I'm suicidal or willing to do something like that- but jesus- what a fucking world.
I just don't goddamned get how I am the only person standing there with anything to say about it.
Hopefully the guy sitting there is still on the internet and lurks on the cellar so I can say after much thought.....
Go fuck yourself.....I'll tell you that personally when I'm sure to see you tomorrow morning.
It's people like you that makes this place so fucking dismal.
Why would that man want to kill himself? Gee guys I don't know...
why?
why am I still here?
Because things will improve, even if it doesn't feel like it's worth getting through this to find out
They will, and you will and one day this will be better
I'll come out and see you when they are
there - an incentive to stick around and find out!
V what you are going through is hard, very very hard
but it's not forever
it hurts like buggery now, but it WON'T hurt like this forever
people survive these things I promise
just keep breathing
for that one reason. you may not know what that reason is right now, but it will become apparent. right now that reason seems elusive, like a moving target, but you'll figure it out. then you'll find a second reason. then a third.