Decisions....
Wont you please, please, help me...
Someone just toss a coin and let the intermediary of the cosmos tell me which way to go.
Broke up with my SO on New Years 06/07 - it hurt a little but no tears were shed from my naïve little eyes. We still have been living together - but he is only home 2 nights per week as he is a teacher out in the outback and comes home on weekends - and we hadnt figured it was urgent to move out - we have a huge house and just rearranged it so we each had our own personal space.
worked for me - didnt for him.
Over the last month or so i began to really enjoy single life - i felt free and like my wings were unfolding and i was learnign to fly on my own and i felt SO GOOD about myself. i was going out 3 nights per week, made lots of new friends and went on about 5 really nice dates in that time. (not because im searching for another relationship, but just for fun and to meet new people)
Anyway, my ex suddenly decided that he was terribly sorry for how he took advantage of me and begged me to take him back. he got very ambitious about it and was quite impressive in his quest to win me back. so about a week and a half ago i decided to give him another half hearted shot - and he has been bending over backwards (sorry for the visual) to be nice to me. but i found myself being cold and disinterested in him.
Feeling neglected, he woke up yesterday morning, wrote a letter of resignation and emailed me to tell me he had quit his job and was moving to the Coffs Coast (some 800kilometres away) because he was sick of the hurting.
I dont know why - but i lost it. i flipped out - told him to hold off the resignation until we talk, and I apologised for not trying hard enough. i completely pandered to his emotions and he drove 5 hours home to see me so we could spend last night cuddling and "sorrying" our way back to perfection land. But now he has gone again and i feel so much better that he is gone. i feel like me again.
Why did i react like this? I dont think im ready to settle down - but then im not ready to lose him either.
on one side of the coin i have what i know is a wonderful bond and great friendship with a gorgeous, intelligent guy.
on the other side of the coin i have freedom - living a single, independant life and getting major satisfaction that i can do it on my own. and having fun meeting new people and dating etc. i also had ambitions to go overseas for a while solo and fend for myself over there.
now i am in limbo - i know i have to make a decision fast to minimise the damage and so i can focus on where i am going.. but i just dont know what to do.
Both options have similar positives, and the negatives of each are simply that you cannot have the other option.
It seems to me like you want him in your life, but not as your SO.
I don't think that is an option.
What is best for him? Not just you, but him as well?
From the outside it sounds to me like it's over mate. It's always hard to tell though because you can never give all the info on stuff like this online.
Sometimes the reason we hold onto someone isn't really associated with loving them. It's a bit the same as knowing it's time to move out of your parents place, but knowing at the same time, you're going to miss someone doing the washing and cooking etc.
In short, it's easier, even if a bit restricting to stay in the comfort zone.
Braving the danger of making a snap judgment about someone I hardly know based on a few paragraphs of narrative . . .
sounds like it was just a last minute panic attack, and you know in your heart it's not right between you. Let him go.
Yup. I gotta agree with Cloud.
I spent too long with my SO, because leaving felt too painful. It doesn't get easier. It's a shame, a real shame that you can't have both, but from what you've said, you sound much happier as a singleton just now.
Again like Cloud, I'll brave the danger of snap judegments about someone I hardly know.......don't do what I did. In the end both people end up hurting much more.
You can miss someone without loving them, and love someone without wanting to spend the rest of your life with them.
I think your reaction was a knee-jerk one - all of a sudden it was out of your hands and you panicked.
Accept that it's going to hurt for a while - like pulling off a plaster - and then both of you will be better off. You know you'll be happier without him, and if you can't give him 100% he will definitely be happier without you in the long run.
But then I tend to run away from things, so perhaps you should take my advice with a pinch of salt....!
This is going to be predictable, coming from me, but...perhaps a polyamorous relationship would suit you?
thanks for your advice guys, your all so brilliant. just what i needed to hear. everyone i ask in person for advice just says "follow your heart".. PFFT i wish it was that easy.
But i care about him soo much that i know that i have to be cruel to be kind, i have to let him go so he can eventually be happy.
An open relationship really wouldnt work, he doesnt like me goign out too much, he has gripes that i am flirty,and when guys hit on me he says it undermines him as a man.
sigh... this would be easier if he was ugly.
He is coming home tonight and has been texting me saying he cant wait to see me etc - Ive got knots in my tummy about what im going to say - about what decsion i will make (on the spur of the moment) that will determine the (perhaps) the rest of my life.
Nothing different to add really.
You panicked at losing the *comfortable shoe*.
The fact that you are sooooo happy and ready to move onwards and upwards when you are single speak volumes...listen to it luvie.
Sounds like, in the long run, the break will be the best thing for both of you. For different reasons.
He's that little blue blanket you feel so comfy with, but don't really need, and slows you down when you're away from the house. Cut bait, you'll both be better off in the long run.:(
Please do not take this as a criticism or anything more than what it is. I'm just getting a read on why you had the reaction that you did, when you had it.
Are you normally a person who like to control their environment, surroundings and what goes on in their life? Schedules, how and when decisions are made and on what time line, menus, route to and from places, etc?
Undermines him as a man? Sounds like he isn't sure of himself or has confidence problems. Do you suspect your flipping out was partly because he was a good safety net (and confidence boost) to you?
He is coming home tonight and has been texting me saying he cant wait to see me etc - Ive got knots in my tummy about what im going to say - about what decsion i will make (on the spur of the moment) that will determine the (perhaps) the rest of my life.
Lots of good comments here. Best of luck to you Sun_Sparkz.
Yeah...what's the go flo?
this is a tough situation... u need to sit down and figure out exactly what u want/need in life right now, and then tell him to do the same. then talk about it, talk about everything that u feel and everything he feels, dont hold back. thats the only way u can really find out what will work best for both of you.
...what will work best for both of you.
You missed one.
Well im still banging my head against the wall. i look at him and crumble. Its so hard when there is this time limit on our lives together - 2 nights a week, which we are usually flat out.
i know i said i was going to sort all this out last week. i never thought it would be this hard to break away. i keep thinking "what if i am making a huge mistake."
Please do not take this as a criticism or anything more than what it is. I'm just getting a read on why you had the reaction that you did, when you had it.
Are you normally a person who like to control their environment, surroundings and what goes on in their life? Schedules, how and when decisions are made and on what time line, menus, route to and from places, etc?
are you IN my head?
yes thats totally me. im an asy going girl dont get me wrong - but i like to be IN control of my life. (thats why i hate flying,, im a control freak)
Then it seems to me that the problem was not his leaving, it was his leaving on his terms & not yours; with you having no control over it or part of the decision.
More complex than that, but that being the core of the issue.
snip~ keep thinking "what if i am making a huge mistake."
If it's what you want, it's never a mistake. :headshake
but what i want changes everyday.
how do i know whats real?
how do you guage something like that?
You can't always, especially in matters of the heart.
I don't know if this will help at all...but there've been times when I've just had to follow things through to the very bitter end. Even though there's a measure of comfort in being able to plan things out, and have some sort of idea how things will go, there are things like this that pop up that you just can't control.
I did suggest polyamory, you know. Then, what you want can change everyday, you go and get it, then you get back together with your primary partner and share exciting stories. Then, you get on the Cellar and share with us.
Win. Win. Win.
If it's what you want, it's never a mistake. :headshake
I want smack and whores.
Good decision, Rob! :eek:
Sure, go for it. But watch out for their pimp....he'll fuck you up if he catches you smacking his whores.:cool:
but what i want changes everyday.
how do i know whats real?
how do you guage something like that?
Sometimes you just have to take a chance. The hard part is sorting out where you'll be when the dopamine levels drop. Is he the kind of guy you can make a good life with? Don't make the decision to not decide. There is loss in choosing a path but not choosing has no gain.
In this case I think not choosing could be a loss, if the damage already done is irreparable. :confused:
You know, I've always followed a certain main specification for deciding if I should be with someone or not.
If I can't decide that I *could* be with them, then I pretty much figure I *shouldn't* be with them.
This only applies to commitment. Casual boffing is not subject to the same criteria as it so greatly reduces the available talent pool.
he has gripes that i am flirty,and when guys hit on me he says it undermines him as a man.
I can see where the first item is controllable but what does he expect you to do about the second? From that brief statement he sounds insecure.
However, if you are flirty it may be a sign that you are not ready for a monogamous relationship with this guy.
Does he have a reason not to trust you?
If not, insecurity like this is a sign that he has trust issues and will show up in other ways...
But, I have little patience for jealousy, I think it means that I am being objectified and tends to make me paranoid about the reasoning behind it. Why don't they trust me, does it mean they are not trustworthy and are projecting?
There is a core issue that I do not know and they will rarely share it.
I have little tolerance for it and have, in the past, always ended relationships with jealous people.
Perhaps I am not the best person to discuss this with.
What does flirty mean? Seriously, is it just smiling and being "flighty" and fun with men or physical and lots of dreamy eye contact while letting men buy you drinks and slow-dances while never telling them you are married/engaged/in a relationship?
Blaming you for their behavior is very telling and makes me think the former and not the latter, but you will have to tell us.
Isn't the key component of boffing that you actually don't want to be with them and you're pretty certain you don't really want to see them again after the deed is done?
That is unless they're a fuck buddy, then the playing field is a little different I guess.
flirting i think just means being super nice and bubbly and wanting to make friends. but most guys i do this with go "sweet - i'm in"
when all i want to do is be friends!!
this dude has no reason not to trust me, whenever i get hit on (weatehr he is there or not) i politely inform them of his importance in my life (when it is important, anyway)
this is getting slowly more complicated the longer we let it drag.
why cant he just agree to be my best friend??
why cant he just agree to be my best friend??
...because then you won't have sex with him.
flirting i think just means being super nice and bubbly and wanting to make friends. but most guys i do this with go "sweet - i'm in"
when all i want to do is be friends!!
TEASE!!!!!!
SO NOT a tease! im just nice.
trust me clod - that is so not a problem to him!
why cant he just agree to be my best friend??
Because, deep down, he wants more than that. He wants to hang on and you seem ready to move on.
this is getting slowly more complicated the longer we let it drag.
I'm the last person in the universe who should be giving relationship advice :( but it seems a clean break might be best for both of you.
I just got off the phone with his boss. he had been lost in the outt back and had the cops etc all had been searhcing for him as he had no water etc. its shaken me quite a bit, he could have been lost for days (too far to walk to anyone) and died.
his boss had spoken to him on a satellite phone owned by his resucers and he had apparently asked them to call me and tell me he was ok and was coming home.
:/
I just got off the phone with his boss. he had been lost in the outt back and had the cops etc all had been searhcing for him as he had no water etc. its shaken me quite a bit, he could have been lost for days (too far to walk to anyone) and died.
his boss had spoken to him on a satellite phone owned by his resucers and he had apparently asked them to call me and tell me he was ok and was coming home.
:/
Maybe he was on one of those walk-about thingy adventrues to find himself and figure out why you won't have sex with him.:sadsperm:
hehehehe.
maybe.
its not roclet science....
roclet science....
Ah, mytho-biology, the art and science of raising rocs from the egg. ;)