will i ever learn?

Ran into my newly ex'ed boyfriend last night. We have remained friends, thought it's not always easy. I invited him over for dinner, and we watched some TV and had a couple beers. He was all snuggly and kissy, which he had not been for the last few months we were together.

Edited to add: I DID send him home for the night and nothing happened because that would have been way too much to handle.
The problem is, I always think he must just want something (and no, I don't mean physical) because that has been his MO in the past. Yet, another side of me thinks he is sad and depressed and really does love and need me.

Because of a few matters, he was instrumental in messing me up financially (I take responsibility for not being prepared for the inevitable bumps that happen in life, but he sent me reeling into brokedom.)

I want to be there for him but loving him has proven to be quite painful at times.

Will I EVER learn?

Probably not. If it is so hard for you, maybe it isn't best for you to be friends. I understand where you are coming from though and have done the same things myself. I don't do it now, mainly because we live in different states. Hopefully, I am going home for the holidays and will probably run into my ex. I am scared that I am going to fall into that whole thing again, but I am scared more because I know seeing him will confirm my feelings for him. I do love him, but it is hard when you realize that love isn't enough.

Edit to add: sorry, I was trying to help, but realized after I posted that I just dumped all my crap into the thread. Apparently I will never learn either!!

Having confirmation that other people have been through the "love is not enough" IS help, bbro! Thanks. :)

Oh I have SO been through "love is not enough"! Also "I'll take what I want from you because it's on offer"

It doesn't matter whether he's manipulating you deliberately, or just being himself - if you are liable to get hurt then back away.

I know it's hard, and your own brain and heart are the enemies within, but don't listen to the "What if...?" voices. It's over. It's over for a reason. You deserve someone whose behaviour doesn't cause you problems. You're not saying he is a bad man just because he isn't right for you, any more than you are a bad person for not being right for him.

Whether he is depressed and loves you, or is actually after something is neither here nor there. Think about what you want and move on. It's for the best. Twenty years from now your biographer will spell his name wrong.

Thanks SG

Twenty years from now your biographer will spell his name wrong.

Reminds me of a T-shirt "Careful or you'll end up in my novel."

Sigh, he's a good guy in so many ways but I can't spend the rest of my life trying to make his life right.

It doesn't matter whether he's manipulating you deliberately, or just being himself - if you are liable to get hurt then back away.

You're right, I have no idea if he is even capable of deliberate manipulation, but the end result is the same.

Argh :(

Shawnee123 wrote:

Sigh, he's a good guy in so many ways but I can't spend the rest of my life trying to make his life right.

OMG!! I totally could have written that!! I see the good in him that other people don't give a chance for, but at the same time, I need to see him realizing that he has to change and why. Things could not continue the way they were. I may always love him, but that doesn't mean that we should be together.

There isn't much chance of mine ever really changing; he's 44 and has been like this his whole life.

Still, I wish I could wrap him up in comfy blankets and take all his cares away. Caretaker Syndrome much? :)

Shawnee123 wrote:

Still, I wish I could wrap him up in comfy blankets and take all his cares away.

Screw that! You need someone to wrap YOU up in comfy blankets and take all YOUR cares away! When you find someone who will do for you, what you will do for them...then you can have a truly balanced relationship. It never really works out when only one person does everything.

Hoof Hearted wrote:

Screw that! You need someone to wrap YOU up in comfy blankets and take all YOUR cares away! When you find someone who will do for you, what you will do for them...then you can have a truly balanced relationship. It never really works out when only one person does everything.

Oh God, I know you're right...this has been a problem my whole life...thinking I should take other's pain for myself (after all, I can handle it better..right?) ;)

What a refreshing idea to think someone would want to make me feel better for a change. :)

You'll learn. When you get so fed up that you're unwilling to let him make you feel the way you do. Trust me. It happens. Recently, to me. So hold your head high and hang in there...

Mr. Wrong (Cracker)
Well, meet me by the river that goes nowhere.
Let me lay my sorry trip on you.
Won't you meet me by the river, little darling'?
I might just let you see my bad tattoo.

Well I was gonna bring you flowers, but I didn't.
It's the thought that counts and I think I'm a bit too broke.
But there's some change in my ashtray--maybe just enough to pay.
For a half pint of somethin', probably make us choke.

CHORUS:
Well you know I'd rather not go and meet your family.
They'd probably send me back where I belong.
Don't want to hear about Mr. Right.
'Cause he's out of town tonight.
Baby come and spend some time with Mr. Wrong.

I drive a one-eyed Malibu without a muffler.
And a tape deck that works if you kick it hard enough.
And baby if you like to read, I've got some great pornography.
And a ten pound flashlight rolling in the trunk.

CHORUS

Now, do you have a girlfriend and does she look as good as you?
Would she like to meet my brother?
He'll be out of jail in a month or two.

CHORUS

Where I come from they call me Mr. Wrong.

Well I was gonna bring you flowers, but I didn't.
It's the thought that counts and I think I'm a bit too broke.

I drive a one-eyed Malibu without a muffler.
And a tape deck that works if you kick it hard enough.

Wow, much too close to reality. Sigh...

Trust me, it's no better when they have nice new cars and are on 3x your salary.

If they don't care about much beyond your T&A (was going to put something cruder, but you get the picture) then they're a wrong 'un all the same.

Tho I'm thinking - dangerously - that a little heartache would be a nice change sometime soon...

I know...I once had the "Knight in Green Dodge Stealth" playing the same shit. Thank GOD I escaped that one.

This "Guy with Painted Wooden Bumper" is a big sweetie...just not particularly full of clues.

Can't you just use him for sex and then throw him aside? Presuming that he's not a slacker in the sack, you could still enjoy each other, and keep your wallet out of the equation. Then, when Mr. Knows How to Do the Nasty *and* Balance a Checkbook comes along, you can nab him.

Just trying to be helpful. Might as well be entertained if nothing better is coming along. Tell him there's no commitments.

Sure, while you're waiting for Mr. Right, you could hang with Mr. Rightnow. Just be sure you're very clear about him being a temp, ok. ;)

Very progressive and interesting idea coming from a couple of fine gents. :)

I just couldn't do it. My heart never listens to logic.

Besides, as a temp, wouldn't I be obligated to PAY him prevailing wage? ;)

Take it from someone who knows...you might break his heart, but he'll be really happy until then. What more payment could he possibly desire than the intimate company of a lovely lady?

Yet, another side of me thinks he is sad and depressed and really does love and need me.

That is the side he uses to get the puddin', even if he does not know it until after...
He may be lonely and misses you, which goes away the min. he gets a nut.
Sorry. But, you are also going to be over him the min. a guy that treats you right all the time comes along.
Focus!

It is far better to get to work on you and get to fall in love with who you are and be ok with that now (very sexy BTW) than to deal with this chaotic bullshit.

Plus, giving him the freedom, and this time, to find someone who may be his right one, or to deal with his shit is just the right thing to do...

I hear you loud and clear, rkz. And I really think you are right. Ah poo...