The utterly pointless Chuck Norris thread
I want one...
here goes
Chuck Norris can divide by Zero
Chuck Norris can ejaculate through walls.
post yours.
I believe I heard that
Chuck Norris's urine cures cancer.
Kevlar vests are made from the expoliated body hair of Chuck Norris.
Norris produces enough hair for 300 vests each day and donates them all to law enforcement.
The only thing strong enough to cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris so he must scrape off the hair with his own fingernails.
If Chuck Norris ever dies NASA has obtained the rights to use him as a re-entry vehicle.
When Chuck Norris takes a bath, he just jumps into a tub full of ice cubes (otherwise the water evaporates before he can get wet).
Mr. Norris (you guys calling him Chuck are in for some reckoning) is so quick he can turn off the light and be in bed before the room gets dark.
When Mr. Norris needs a chuckle, he reminds himself that he and he alone knows the last digit of Pi but won't tell anyone what it is.
The Borg tried to assimilate Mr. Norris...
They FAILED.
Mr. Norris does not have a birthday.
Once, Chu-.. er, MR. Norris was having one of those standoff things with this uber bad dude with long hair and tall and big and mean and bad and evil and wearing leather who just hurt someone that Mr. Norris cared for where they show Mr. Norris' icy stare then the other guy's icy stare then back and forth showing icy stares as the tension mounts THEN, all the sudden, Mr. Norris CLAPPED his hands together real fast in front of the bad dude's face and his eyeballs just exploded then his whole head exploded.
Yep. Saw the whole thing. In person.
On TV.
But it wasn't a like a rerun or anything.
Oh, and Hippikos, Mr. Norris knows you started this thread. :worried:
When Chuck Norris farts, the world supply of natural gas doubles.
Mr. Norris is responsible for global climate change.
Chuck Norris is a cheap renewable energy source
Chuck Norris is the shadow government that Flint is always talking about
Chuck Norris can get in the last word in an argument with MaggieL
Genesis 1
1In the beginning Chuck Norris created the heaven and the earth.
2And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of Chuck Norris moved upon the face of the waters.
3And Chuck Norris said, Let there be light: and there was light.
Chuck Norris fucks Jeanne Claude VanDamme and Steven Segal up the ass.
Chuck Norris can get in the last word in an argument with MaggieL
Let's at least
try to keep this realistic.
Chuck Norris is the only known source of Element 104, Moxieonium.
Mr. Norris does not shave. He stares at the hair in the mirror until it withers.
(Sorry, but I actually tried to make-up a new one)
Chuck Norris could make Marichiko go away for good, but chooses not to.
Chuck Norris created Undertoad
Chuck Norris pooped a hammer
Chuck Norris cried at the ending of
Beaches, and killed everyone who witnessed it. Not because he was ashamed, but just because he could.
Mr. Norris glanced at TW and he made sense for an hour.
Mr. Norris does not shave. He stares at the hair in the mirror until it withers.
(Sorry, but I actually tried to make-up a new one)
I thought we were *supposed* to make up new ones. I really like yours, BTW.
The Bush Administration knows that Chuck Norris could single-handedly end the war in Iraq, but won't go because it is just too damn easy.
tw and MaggieL agree about Chuck Norris.
It is well-known that Chuck Norris is responsible for "Walker, Texas Ranger". It is not as widely known that he simply willed the program into existence using only mind power, including syndication runs, while lunching on Hollywood Blvd one day.
Chuck Norris made a thread in which only macho guys (and one smokin' hot chick) would even think to reply to.
Chuck Norris jokes are old.
I declare this henceforth as the Keith Richards thread.
90% of Keith Richards' blood isn't heroin... but 90% of heroin is Keith Richards' blood.
In English, Methuselah translates as "Keith Richards".
Keith Richards has looked the same since he was 25 years old, when he was challenged by Chuck Norris to a guitar solo contest...which Norris won.
Chuck Norris shot-up all the heroin but was only mildly 'buzzed'.
Chuck Norris can get and does get blood from a stone, pulls teeth from a hen, and pisses up a rope. he enjoys the challenge.
It is not true that the world is supported on the back of a giant turtle. It is supported on the back of Chuck Norris, so that he can get adequate exercise while doing push-ups.
NASA announced today that, while the Shuttle has proven to be capable and reliable now that new safety procedures are in place, the proposed servicing mission for the Hubble Space Telescope will be facilitated by Chuck Norris, who will simply order it to "Halt!" and "Lie Down!" so that ground technicians can make the necessary repairs.
Chuck Norris drank out of my coffee mug. When he was done I took it back to the kitchen to put it in the dishwasher, but it was already spotless, including coffee stains that had been on it for years.
Chuck's penis is over a quarter mile long.
Chuck's wife is a former embassador who spoke out against WMD in Iraq, but the Cheney administration has no plans to divulge Chuck's covert CIA affiliation
Chuck Norris doesn't actually *need* to breathe, but he does so anyway to keep other people from feeling inferior.
Chuck Norris assassinated JFK.
Chuck Norris climbed out of my television and gave me the best head I ever got.
Chuck Norris wears a leisure suit, and looks goooooood in it.
Chuck Norris picked up Harlan Ellison, said "Hello," and put him back.
Chuck is the one who smoked and hid Jimmy Hoffa.
He also hired a plastic surgeon to make his mouth look like a mule's....just so he wouldn't be perfect.
The New York Yankees will soon change their name to the New York Chuck Norisses.
Chuck Norris' tears are the cure for cancer.
The only problem is Chuck Norris has never cried.
PS: Keith Richards farts dust.
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear for a pet. In winter, Chuck lets the bear hybernate in his rectum. "It makes me feel pregnant, and I get in touch with my feminine side".
Chuck Norris has a feminine side. It's 18 inches long.
On three occasions, Chuck Norris has inadvertantly killed a woman while having sex with her. Doctors have calculated that Chucks pelvic thrust is ten to fifteen times stronger than any other human being's pelvic thrust.
Chuck Norris ate the dingo's baby.
Chick Norris knows more than MaggieL and TW combined.
Chuck Norris jump-started time with a round-house kick way back then.
Kieth Richards ducked.
So I didn't make these up, but they make me laugh:
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, Chuck Norris invented every color. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
There is no such thing as evolution. There's just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
France saw an episode of Walker Texas Ranger and surrendered to Chuck Norris, just to be safe.
Chuck Norris disrespected Islam and nobody even shrugged.
Chuck Norris built the pyramids (but it is not true that he did it from sketches which Keith Richards made on a napkin).
The Sphynx is actually a portrait of Chuck Norris. But he got mad and had it covered up because Keith Richards kept pissing on it.
On the eighth day Chuck Norris said "Let there be MARICHIKO!!" And it came to be.
So even God gets drunk on the weekend?
Yes, and Chuck Norris knows why the platypus looks like that.
Bush asked Chuck Norris to capture Osama bin-Laden. Norris refused politely saying: "this job is too easy".
There used to be mountains, Chuck sneezed... now we have mesas.
Chuck Norris took a leak and sea level rose 3 foot.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to purchase air fresheners for his bathroom, because his shit does not stink.
Chuck Norris kills 14 white people at the end of every week just to prove he isn’t racist.
Chuck Norris wanted to smoke Keith Richards, then decided it wouldn't give him a strong enough buzz.
Then did it anyway.
Chuck Norris wades through lava
Chuck Norris tried androgeny and the worlds population fell 37.4%.
Chuck Norris made a rock so big that he, himself, could not pick it up. Then he picked it up.
Chuck Norris fishes for Great White sharks by trolling with his penis.
The Unstoppable Force met the Immovable Object. Their spawn is Mr. Norris.
Chuck Norris always carries a large red flag just in case he runs into a bunch of communists so that he can rip it to shreds or a herd of bulls so that he can wave it in front of them.
Chuck Norris' fillings receive AM radio, FM radio, short wave, medium wave, all emergency frequencies, cell phones and every fast food drive-through transmitter within 100 miles; and when he opens his mouth widely, he receives and decodes all forms of satellite broadcast.
Chuck Norris took a leak and sea level rose 3 foot.
And I thought I was getting jaundice,
chuck norris makes one hell of a burrito.
i fail at humor.
Mo-fucking-hommad moved a mountain. Chuck Norris juggles seven mountains. With one hand. And takes a bite out of the same one, each time it comes around. With his eyes closed. While standing on Laura Bush's shoulders and playing Rainy Day Women 12 and 35 on the harmonica.
Chuck Norris can make a roundhouse kick around the moon.
Chuck Norris doesn't surf very often, because tsunamis are relatively rare.
chuck norris doesnt pee standing up.
if he did, he would bore a hole to china.
Chuck Norris does not eat nails for breakfast, because then he shits railroad spikes later in the day. This doesn't bother him but the noise when this occurs disturbs the neighbors.
Chuck Norris is the father of every Chinese person
Whenever he has a health problem, Chuck Norris performs his own surgery on himself.
Recently, he performed brain surgery on himself, but in the middle of it, he realized that he'd cut out the section that knew how to complete the operation. No problem, he simply re-wired other sections of his brain to take over for the missing sections, and thus he completed the procedure.
Chuck Norris kicks the shit out of people who end any sentence in anything other than "OF THE BEAST.":lol:
Chuck Norris had sex with a car shredder.
...and the shredding teeth on the machine had to be replaced immediately thereafter.
Their offspring was a Monster Truck.
...and Chuck Norris did not have to pay child support. Getting to have his Baby Monster Truck is a privilege.
...and the shredding teeth on the machine had to be replaced immediately thereafter.
Their offspring was a Monster Truck.
...A monster truck that regularly wins Nascar and Formula one events.
Chuck Norris is the only known male giving birth to a child. It was called "Steven Siegall".
Chuck Norris wears a clown costume and doesn't scare kids.
I heard that if Chuck looked into a mirror, this is what would happened...
...he'd go into a feedback loop of self immolation creating a black hole which would actually suck time into itself.
Chuck Norris is the only thing in the universe more real than his reflection in a mirror.
If Chuck Norris was a vampire he would be able to SEE his reflection in a mirror.
When Chuck is about to kill you, you can see your entire life reflected in his eyes. Then you're dead.
If Chuck Norris was a vampire he would be able to SEE his reflection in a mirror.
Chuck Norris casts vampires' reflections for them.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell " What the hell was that?"
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door
We live in an ever expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can catch a fart and paint it green.
A criminal invaded my house. I don't own a gun, so I yelled "Chuck Norris" and the home invader ran away, crying like a little baby.
Chuck Norris can move faster than light. Albert Einstein tried to tell Chuck that this is impossible. We now know Albert Einstein as Stephen Hawking.
damn you wolf!
CHUCK NORRIS IS A BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN?! oh for fuck's sake!
chuck norris is dead to me.
chuck norris can eat my asshole. with a spoon. slowly
interesting chuck norris fact: Chuck Norris wets the bed.
Chuck Norris believes that The Host is actually a Hostess Twinkie.
@ wolf; therefore, Chuck Norris has his own ministry so that God will have someplace to go to be inspired!
Oh, did I miss the fun? And here I had some fun things to say...
Well, I will post them anyway I suppose.
When I told my SO about this thread, the first thing he said was "Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a building. It exploded. No one building can hold that much awesomeness."
And here is my contribution:
The Ultimate Showdown
Edit: Oops, I thought Chuck Norris won in that song. never mind.
Chuck INVENTED Mr. T
then kicked his ass and gave him a mohawk.
Chuck Norris is the only food not improved by adding Bacon
If Chuck Norris Kicks your ass in the Forest, and no one is there to hear it..... IT STILL MAKES A SOUND
How do you keep Chuck Norris busy whole day?
You put him in a round room and tell him to find a corner.
What does he come back and tell you?
He tells you that he found a corner!
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin' 'bout.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity......twice!
Following a nuclear war, only two things will survive...cockroaches and Chuck Norris. If, that is, Chuck allows the roaches to live.
The world won't end in 2012...it will end when Chuck Norris SAYS it will end.
Chuck Norris was here BEFORE the Big Bang.
Once God decided to kill Chuck Norris. He failed........................miserably.