attachment issues
when two friends have sex, live together, shit in the same spot, and sleep together is it possible not to get attached? can anybody really not feel for somebody while you share so much?
No, he doesn't love you, and you can't make him.
I suggest you move on and find someone who does, but you probably aren't going to listen to me.
"All that from a 'hello'?"
I know, I probably shouldn't have been so presumptuous, or at least not so glib about it. I'm a little edgy because the young'un is sick this evening. But a visit to the user's myspace page confirms my guess at her gender, and I'd bet a lot of money I'm right about her circumstances too. I've known too many women in her position (and been one myself, once.)
And all this time I thought you were psychic.
Sorry to hear about minifob's ailing. It is extremely disconcerting at first, adn gets a little easier as time passes, but not much. They are pretty tough though.
Hope he feels better soon.
Well ex- as a fellow philadelphian, I'll say no. I don't know how two people could be so close, yet not care cuz if you didn't one of you would leave. Then again that doesn't mean there are any feelings of love. Then again, it could just be a convenience issue.
Well, after they had been together for about 3 years, a friend of mine started calling her lover "my insignificant other".
But I think that is the exception, not the rule.
You make it all sound so routine. Try to spice things up and see what happens.
well i dont know what to say. he was with me in my pregnancy, which was horrible, let me tell you...hospital and everything...kinda nerve racking if you ask me. the sex is amazing. so is a cigarette in the morning. it's kinda like i dont know how to have a relationship. that's why i see a shrink for attachment issues...
Get rid of the cigarette. You will live longer and have more sex.
Everything depends on what you want out of the relationship. You're in it now because it fufills something you need, if it didn't you'd drop it and run no questions asked, the question is whether you know what that something is. Until you figure that out you're not going anywhere, don't kid yourself. If you ask me it's pretty telling that the two things you use to describe this to total strangers is "the sex is great, and he helped me through a tough time". I lost you on the term 'issues' you added to your explanation. It's pretty damn obvious WHY you're attached to him, the question is, why do you not want to be? Is he not interested in going any further with the relationship and you want to? Whatever the case is you should probably drop the shrink, unless your situation is far, far more complicated than what you've said you don't need another brain to figure this out. More often than not all a shrink does is prod you into figuring it out for yourself and you'll probably use him to rationalize things.
Bottom line: Get a list of priorities together
Explore the posibility of those priorities meeting with his
If no, never sleep with him again
Do not rationalize to yourself that the sex is just sex, if you do, nothing is going to change whether you want it to or not
Accept that sometimes you are presented with a situation in which all posible choices suck
You make it sound like he's the only one who is capable of good sex.
You're fuckbuddies. Even before I made it to post #9 I had it pegged that you were the girl, either actually or conceptually. If what you want is a "capital R" Relationship, go out there and find somebody real.
Especially before he stops being your roommate and starts being referred to as your baby daddy.
lmao, baby daddy. nyuque nyuque
he was with me in my pregnancy, which was horrible, let me tell you...
Well that certainly confuses the issue... Do you still have the kid living with you? Is the baby his?
Maybe you should sit down with him and ask him what he thinks of your relationship/non-relationship. Communication is a great thing. If he is scared/annoyed by being asked to define your relationship then perhaps its time to throw him the deuces and tell him to get the fuck out. Also sex is often (i think it should always be) an hardcore emotional issue, your sharing yourself entirely with another person...they know you physically inside and out. maybe its time to share your interpersonal self with them as well?
my son is with the state because i am a scumbag and got locked up in county for two months. in order to get him back myself it would take longer than if his grandmother got temporary custoday instead. so, his grandmother is coming to get him from florida. HORRIBLY his father is still alive. he's a homicidal maniac and i dont enjoy being locked in basements. my friend, we'll call him dudley, has simply been my friend. maybe that's it through everything i know he's there and im perfectly happy with just that. here's the kicker: dudley is engaged. and tells me he loves me. his fiancee is in the ukraine coming in a year or so. i cant believe it. i said it outloud. he makes love to me and wakes up to her phone call most mornings. kisses me awake. maybe that's why im so confused...i mean yea whatever he's not married yet...but come on dude really...if you told somebody you love them while you were having sex, is that PLUTONIC???..
wow, you're like brianna and danaC all rolled into one. just kidding, brianna ;)
and, morethanpretty, does your username indicate that you are pretty beyond pretty, or that it is not your only virtue, or that you are, in fact, not pretty at all, but put more stock into other virtues, and therefore 'more than pretty?' oh, and welcome, btw.
How did Dudley get engaged? Is he Ukrainian too? Hook up on a vacation? Arranged marriage? How long have they been engaged? Lot of questions but it sounds a little strange.
Well, it's certainly not platonic, from what you say.
What's your relationship besides sex?
You're sharing an apartment I guess, did you move in with him, or he move in with you?
Are either or both of you working?
Share the rent, utilities, groceries?
If your arrangment is mutually beneficial, in more ways than readily available sex, he may be looking at it as just a good deal. With that arrangement I'm pretty sure I'd love you and say so. That doesn't mean, however, that I'd be in love with you. Do you know what I mean by that?
Attachments are always complicated, affected by circumstances, all of them. Need to know as much as you can reveal comfortably, but be warned, you may not get the answers you want to hear. ;)
lumberjim...i am all those and more...no actually its a quote from one of my favorite books, The Perks of Being a Wallflower. This young boy/man looks over at the girl he loves and just thinks that at that moment...she was more than pretty. i dunno guess i'm a fool hardy romantisist...but i think thats one of the most beautiful ways to describe someone.
extemporous ur not a scumbag if u have ur son's best interest in heart. everyone makes huge mistakes, u just have to learn from them and i wish u the best of luck with getting ur son. it sounds like the ur son's father was a big mistake tho...and that u've been through alot of trauma w/ men in general. sounds like perhaps you grew up w/out or w/ a poor father, its said that women who don't have a good male figure in their life growing up will struggle w/ relationships their whole life. this man ur w/ "dudley" sounds two-faced. Chances are is that he is going to hurt you. Concentrate on getting ur son and giving him the life he needs...u don't need a man or sex, you need unquestionable love and ur son can give u that even tho it might take work.
Ditto to what Wolf said. More or less. If it's a relationship it's only so because certain needs or desires are being met.
wow, you're like brianna and danaC all rolled into one. just kidding, brianna ;)
Ouch.
Just for the record, while I may (
may) be a felon myself, I certainly wouldn't date one.
And, I don't mind basements. I mean, if they're finished and all with a wet bar, big screen TV and foosball.
I agree with Clod - We need more info before forming an opinion.
hey, im not a felon, all my charges were dropped. and i dont know any of you, but your thoughts are all really helpful, thank you. i could sit and type and help to explain the circumstances which help shape my psyche...here i go. i was adopted when i was 9 months. i lived with a rich family in a rich suburb always had food and clothes and shoes...my father and mother split when i was 2 i found my mom dead when i was 5. my father came back to protect his reputation and my brother (also adopted, 9 years older than me) became a doper and moved out. my father, always abusive, turned the knob on my door around so for the next 8 years of my life i knew nothing but school, books, and the 4 walls of my room. my dad wanted his life back so when i 12 he put me into a boarding school. linden hall in lititz, Pa, $25,000 a year. i stopped eating never socialized and started cutting myself so the pressure would go away. i could never cry. he picked me up from school and dropped me off in philly he told me to live on the street for all he cares. i became a drifter. i've lived all over met many people heard beautiful artwork felt music and rested my head on a pillow made of concrete many times. in the same time, i always managed to sift through the amazing, kind men to the scum that clogs your drain. i let history repeat itself several times. i once dated a sociopath. my front tooth is now crooked. im sure you like basements brianna because my sons father didnt have you locked in one for 2 days while he was on pcp and i was 4 months pregnant at the time. a knife to your throat surely changes your outlook on life. and for the record i did no drugs when i was pregnant. i hit a blunt or two and smoke some cigarettes but that was simply to help my nerves. i have horrible anxiety and now im struck with ppd ontop of my multiple identity disorder. but in the long run i've found that silent films are filled with sound....dudley on the other hand is a computer tech. he works all day i stay home (oh yea, home, by the way, is dudley's engagment present from his father) and clean and take care of kit the cat. 'dudley' has a roomate, pretty much his brother from another mother, jason. it's a good place for me to be living at the moment. im happy, for the most part, and i live with two people who honestly care about me and i can say the same for them. my oceans never been this calm. dudley's getting married in a year. he knows it i know it jay even knows it but until then im sure the dick will be good lol. maybe i feel like i do because i've never felt this way before ... content ... we make music (piano/guitar) and cook and watch movies and laugh and smoke weed and make baby dinosaur noises and keep each other warm at night and i hope this helps you understand where im coming from just a little i dont know what else to say except for i wish our water was turned on its so hard to live without it.
...that's exactly what 'dudley' told me last night while we were making love he told me that i have no need to be scared, i am completely safe....
Completely safe ... until he marries. And then what?
You have some life history there and no wonder you find it hard to settle, to trust, to believe that you deserve good things and happiness. I'm sorry but, comfortable as it is where you are just now (but, no WATER?!), Dudley does not seem to me to be "a good thing" - he is using you for a housekeeper and sex until he marries and can use his wife for the same thing. Just my 2 cents.
And you certainly do deserve to be happy, by the way ...
nothing pisses me off more than abuse, child abuse especially. i'm terrible sorry that you had to go through that. i have never been through anything that traumatic and have had luck with relationships (2 cheaters but I didn't realize until after and no sex was involved). hopefully it will be better for our children and their children. i agree with limey, he is useing you and what happens when he marries that other woman? The mental disorders are hard to deal with and that I can relate to very well because of my own struggle. Also my best friend for years had schizophrenia, and depression issues. You deserve to be happy, your ship might be sailing in calm waters right now but a squall can come up fast and hard, and you need to have you ship in dock, where it is safe. Have you considered therapy to help you deal with these issues? Those of your finding your mother dead (at 5!), your dad locking you up then abandoning you, and what you have been through since. I know that therapy helped me, and have known others who have had good results. If nothing else its a non-judgemental person to listen and give objective advice.
"To be loved you must first love yourself." unknown
it's hard. i have been to countless therapists and i have been hospitalized i think im just out to destroy myself. i taught myself how not to cry from the time i found my mom dead. turn on and off emotions, that's when it started getting out of control and that's why i have multiple identity disorder...separated into emotions instead of people. sometimes i hear voices but not how the movies portray crazy people...it's like sometimes i'll say something and a different voice will come into my head and say something completely different...violent sometimes. i can control them fine without meds so far. yet, lately i've been rethinking my choice not to see a shrink. that's kind of why i post on here to vent. there are very few things in life i have am able to get an emotional attachment to in life and it's very rarely human. although i have an addictive personality (i caught onto the drug scene pretty quick) it's hard to place an feeling to an object like a picture (which i never take) or even smells. on the topic of attachment issues though, i know that he's getting married and im more than happy for him and right now i dont know what else to do. well, i lied. i do know what to do. get off my lazy ass get a job and my own place but who said taking the easy way for a while was cheating in life? they lied. the water thing is horrible we have to pay the state 5 grand to fix something stupid and it's not even our fault, our neighbor is the one who gave us the problem with his plumbing mishaps. it's 8:54 and i just got done cleaning the kitchen, livingroom, office, and bedroom. Kit knocked over 4 chicken breasts...they became hers (i swear she does things on purpose sometimes). but the infamous 'dudley' will be home shortly...i would like to think that he isnt using me but the thought has crossed my mind. but if he's using me, then im using him i guess. what it boils down to is sex...right? im out of cigarettes i've been smoking butts. i should find some papers and roll one...
Ouch.
Oh, don't say ouch, you a-hole. that was a shot at dana. you know i love your train wreckedness the most.
I'm sorry that therapy hasn't worked out so far, I've given up on therepy and meds before myself...but after a time without I feel my need to return and so do my loved ones. Right now I'm in school full time and work full time and don't have a car (mine was totalled by one of those rock semitrucks)...so I'm not doing therepy but I have my pretty pretty pills...um what was my point??? oh yeah...
I have always found reading to be theraputic in of itself, and although sometimes a book would send me into a depression, if I could talk about the book w/ someone else who had read it I would normally discover what it was that was making me feel bad. And that helped me deal with the issue that I didn't realize that I even had but was subconsciously effecting me. One book I might suggest for you would be She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb...I think you would find alot to relate to with the main character. I strongly urge you to read it (or even re-read it) and look for similarities between yourself and the character.
BTW my mother started smoking at the age of 9, she grew up with an alcoholic abusive father whom her mother divorced when she was 12. She and her sister did most of the housework while my nanny worked. In her teens my mom started doing drugs and stopped going to school. She later became a hardcore "biker", but no tattoos. She was also an alcoholic herself for awhile. I do not know the details of her relationships and such...just that they weren't good. She met my father in Florida and married him at 25 and they will celebrate there 27th aniversary this January along with my birthday...they've had 3 children and all are successful in my opinion. My mom went back and got her GED when I was young, she stopped (cold turkey! as she says) after 30 yrs of smoking, and hasn't touched alcohol since before I can remember. I don't know if that sounds hopefull to you, but I thought I would give you a real life story of how much a life can change through self-motivation. I'd like to urge you once again to concentrate on your child and forget all this "dudley OMG drama". feel free to msg me if you have any questions about the book ect.
Jesus.....well, your present arrangement is mutually beneficial.
He's apparently up front about his plans and you are better off than you were....for a long time.
The problem is obviously...the future. What are you going to do when this arrangment goes away? What can you do to prepare? Have you any marketable skills so you could support yourself?
I hope your not thinking you'll still be welcome when the wife arrives. That's not likely for very long.
I hope you get it together for a happily ever after. Good luck.:thumbsup:
haha ... the future always seems to be the problem, i could never figure out that whole space/time continuum ... but yes i am a painter. and no matter where i go things need paint... so i guess im good there. fuck the wife, im not sticking around for all that bullshit. hahaha... where at in philly burbs are you...i used to live in holland and warminster
Delco, but spend a lot of time in Blue Ball/New Holland/Leola. ;)
hmm..that's where i got locked up. in folcroft, at the train station.
hmm..that's where i got locked up. in folcroft, at the train station.
You got locked up at a train station? Or, you were at a train station when they arrested you? Cuffed front or back?
I feel for you, extempor. Sometimes life is messed up. Gotta protect your heart, though. I think this guy is using you. Just a gut feeling. I hope he's not--
to answer your original question, though, yeah, you can live with somebody, screw them blind and know all their little secrets and still one day just up and go. Or, they can up and go on you. It happens.
... content ... we make music (piano/guitar) and cook and watch movies and laugh and smoke weed and make baby dinosaur noises and keep each other warm at night and i hope this helps you understand where im coming from just a little i dont know what else to say except for i wish our water was turned on its so hard to live without it.
Yes, it does tell me a lot.
Get your head out of your ass and quit feeling sorry for yourself. You are apparently an adult now. Act like one and start making decisions that will turn your life around. That "person" your living with? Whats his problem? Does he smoke so much pot that he can't go out and get a job. If your child is not with you then you go out and get a job too.
Fucking whiney assed potheads. Grow the fuck up.
Madman said it a bit bluntly, but it needed to be said. You can't dig your way out of a hole, you have to climb. Dump the lying twofaced bastard who has convinced 2 women that he loves them (when he loves neither). You are trading your future for a warm body to make music, cook, and watch movies with. There is more to life, even if you can't see it now.
Smoking weed makes it nearly impossible to get the motivation to make a big change. You're using it to avoid dealing with life. It works great, too. But when you run out of weed or just get tired of being high, reality is still there, waiting to punch you in the throat. Take charge of your future. Don't allow yourself to be beaten -- no one can make you fail but yourself.
/drphil
madman--sorta harsh (me, I'm a new leaf)
anyway, there are a LOT of bills I would ignore but I wouldn't ignore the water bill.
I offer an apology to those that have been members of this forum for so long. I'm new and I do know new people should take things a bit slower so the longtime members will get to know the newcomers better before they (me) spout off so quickly.
It is a touchy topic with me. I spent 20 years in the military. Unfortunately, compasion for nonsense is not one of my stronger attributes. Pity parties neither work nor will I support them.
For extemporaneous; Wake up! Life is not easy. Life is a learning process that you can work through - key word: WORK! You're young and you have your life ahead of you. Quit the pot smoking. If you want to work at bullshit jobs that pay just better than minimum wage all your life then keep smoking the pot. If you want to progress to something better than what you are and have then work for it.
Set goals. Start small and go from there. Write these goals down on paper. Plan ahead and keep track of your accomplishments - no matter how small they may seem to you or others. Your life and your future is in your hands. Make the best of it.
Don't settle for some cracked out, pot headed toilet psychologist that has a revelation of insight with every drag of a joint. Don't settle for the "pretty boy" that is cute and hot. Look for someone that has a sense of responsibility and isn't so into himself (when you find one he'll be cute and hot anyway).
And don't ever give up trying to do the right thing. You'll hit all kinds of stumbling blocks, walls and problems along the way. That's life and you already know that.
There is a wealth of information from the people on this forum. All you have to do is ask.
Good luck to you.
it seems to me that you really dont know who i am and think i live in a pile of shit. which is cool. i cant get my son back for 6 months even if i hit the power ball ...it takes time. but i work i buy my water and shower at a friends...it's a temporary setback until theres 5 grand to throw at the city to fix the pipe outfront. i am just having a relationship with somebody and talking about it on some website...and i smoke weed. and love every second of it. because after i baby sit, clean, and work, all of which i love to do, relaxing sounds like a wonderful idea and i couldnt think of a better way then to smoke a nice fat dutch master stuffed with some kindbud and read a book and have sex and go to sleep. but, hey, im sorry that this sad society got a hold on you. life isnt written. it's unfolding. let the reigns go to the unfolding. im not bitching about my horrible, depressing life. im explaining it to those who asked to read it....maybe if you havent read all the posts i cant place my emotions with thoughts because i have MID so when i am lucky enough to recall my past, it's just like reciting a story. but maybe next time you wont make an ass out of u and me. i do that enough for myself...haha...
Once you are a parent you no longer have the luxury of being able to take the time to "find out what you want to do". You do what you need to do to be the best parent you can be RIGHT NOW.
If you have a mental illness, you take care of it in the best possible way you can. That means, taking your meds, all the time, without fail, staying in therapy, being honest with yourself, your therapist and boss AT ALL TIMES.
NO DRUGS and no drinking if that is a problem in any way.
Once you decide to have kids, & it is always a decision, it is about them first, every day.
If the guy takes away from that, meaning if he is not equally commited to your being a good parent, end it, yesterday.
That is all.
he doesnt take away from my son. my sons father gave my son to the city when i got locked up. i have completed everything i can possibly do to get him back and now all i can do is work sleep and eat.
Good... your posts just seemed, um, disconnected, in some ways, most likely how I was reading them. Like there was far more going on than that.
As long as you are staying focused on getting your son back and your current track is doing that in the best/healthiest way possible, that is awesome.
Yep! Sounds like you really got your priorities in line. :right:
Good luck to ya'...... :3eye:
As a past drug user and abuser, it amazes me that you have set your priorities to getting laid and getting high. Way to teach your child about life!! You seem to put those priorities way in front of raising and caring for your son. How the hell is he supposed to learn how to be a productive member of society if the only example he has to follow is his mother who cares more about twisting up a fatty, feeling high and getting laid. You seem like just the kind a parent a child doesn't need. Maybe your son is better off with the state. At least they have water. Geez get your shit together and realize that you are a role model for him and no longer have the luxury of avoiding all your problems. Every time you hit a blunt and veg out you are taking away from his opportunities, his life, and reducing his chance of success. You say you were locked up like its something to be proud of - are you an idiot on top of everything else??? News Flash - Getting arrested is NOT cool, not something to be proud of.
Lemme tell you something. There is no feeling in the world than knowing your children are proud of you, who you are and what you've accomplished in life. You are just wasting time (the only thing you can NEVER get back) and creating many many regrets for which you will further have to "smoke to forget". At this point I'm so irate that you aren't even worth MY time to write how misguided, irresponsible and immature you are being. I pray your son stays with the state and finds a better, no make that, ANY parent to guide him through life. Get a grip and get a clue - you have neither of either.
right now in my life i can get my own place and stop bullshitting around if i had a reason to. i cant get my son back for 6 months so what am i supposed to do wait. ok im waiting. and i smoke weed i dont shoot heroin or smoke crack.
Weed is still a controlled substance. If being clean is a condition of getting your child back, you've already failed.
You can be a parent, or you can be a child, no matter what your physical age, with a child.
What is important to you?
Yep! Betcha you'll have to take a pee test. :joint: Ohhh - I'm sorry! :smack: You already have the world by the balls. Ain't that a :nadkick:
If you have a job and your own place the more likely you will be able to get your child back. Sorry hon but its not all about filling out paperwork. Your child needs a stable parent, and a parent who could possible lose her only place to live and the only source of money ("dudley") in one fatal day is not living a stable life. The longer you hold a job on your own and manage your own bills, the better able you will be to incorporate a child into your life. You don't want your child to stay with state because the chances of him being adopted are sadly minimul, and foster care is not reliable.
"Dudley" might be willing to pay all of your childcare expenses and yours, but other ppl cannot be depended on, especially when they are decieving two women. And honey, he IS decieving you.
Lessee...Dudley is living in a place for which he didn't pay sleeping with a woman who is not the one he intends to marry. You are unemployed and trading sex for room and board, and you have a stated desire to get your child back. Meanwhile, you're smoking dope and making rationalizations, and you have a history of psychiatric disfunctions and homelessness? Have I got all that straight?
I'm sorry, your petition to regain custody of your child is denied. Next case, please.
That's pretty much how it is going to go when you attempt to regain custody, so you have two choices. Change things, or deal with the inevitable outcomes you are building now. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but you are clearly not dealing with reality in any aspect of your life.
You can either choose to succumb to the abuses and catastrophic misfortunes of your life up until now, or you can choose to change your life and future for the better. No one will do it for you, and no one will take the blame for anything that has come before, no matter how heinous and screwed up *they* were for foisting that shit on you.
You have exactly as much personal power as every other person on the planet. Visualize your life as you want it, then make it happen. Do the work. Otherwise, be miserable, rejected, alone and an embittered victim.
Do you know what the best revenge in the world is? Success in the face of oppression. Victory over the assholes that gave you so much pain. Screw the past, build the future.
i work i buy my water and shower at a friends...
She is not unemployed.
It's true that she needs to make a lot of changes in her life, but she deserves credit for holding down a job.
i make minimum 175 a day at my job. and the cite we're working now im getting paid 250 a day, and i've been working it for a week and 4 days now. saving money like a motherfucker.
but wait...im a junkie and im a horrible mom and im a criminal. when i had my son until i got locked up he had everything he needed and wanted and more. we went to the park and we blew bubbles and he had a mohawk with soap suds and he loves me. there is nothing that anybody can say that will change my mind of that. yea i smoke weed, do you think i wanted to waste my time smoking weed when i had my son? i didnt need to smoke weed to relax when i had my son. i was happy when i had my son. he was happy when he was with me. and every fucking day i wake up is a reminder because he's the first and last thing on my mind every day. you think i dont see these stretch marks or look through the mass amounts of pictures we have or dream? i cant even sleep without thinking of myself the same way you do. but my sons caseworker apparently thinks different because i still see my son and i am getting him back. but judge whoever you want.
relax, extempor. people here are only wanting to help--sometimes to help you have to kinda kickstart things but your situation is different. Obviously you've got a handle on things. You've had a few bumps in the road, and hey, everyone has those.
So.
Why the uncertainty? If you re-read your first post, there's a little uncertainty there. That's what we are trying to respond to...that and as you give us more info, we are trying to incorporate that into our advice. I know the pain of not having your child with you (my son was five when his dad and I split up and he went to live with his dad)--you'll find people here have been thru worse than yourself. If you want good, solid advice, these people can provide it. (oh, with a little commentary thrown in for good measure, to be sure! ;)
I find some ass-kicking is what I need most of the time. Maybe you'll come to see that we only mean to help.
and by the way--money doesn't equal stability or happiness. I know a stripper making 1,000/night. Good for her.
And another btw--the more contact you have on the wrong end of the judicial bench, the less patience they have for you. Just think of that as forewarned.
I'm not judging you. I've spent some time dealing with The System, and from several different angles, including from within. Okay, so you work. Mea Culpa. In six months, you just walk in and say "I'm ready to take my kid now", and walk away with him, right? If so, party on. But I doubt it. Once the System has your kid, they like to be sure that they aren't just handing him back out to a different kind of problem, otherwise he wouldn't have ended up in the System in the first place. You can therefore expect your life to be rather thoroughly scrutinized - past, present and potential.
Six months isn't a very long time. If I needed my kid more than anything else in my life, I would make everything I did a prelude to that happy eventuality.
I had to lead my entire life for my disabled son for about a decade, and even now, most of what I do and plan for includes him as a primary consideration, despite the fact that he's 25. In short, I know how the Grownup game is played, and if I didn't care, I wouldn't be sharing. However, I'll bow out as I don't have much to say that isn't difficult, hard and honest. You aren't going to find an emotional situation to a practical problem. I sympathize with how bad you feel. Want to stop feeling bad? Then do the hard work first.
right now in my life i can get my own place and stop bullshitting around if i had a reason to. i cant get my son back for 6 months so what am i supposed to do wait. ok im waiting. and i smoke weed i dont shoot heroin or smoke crack.
A reason to? Wait? Do you have any idea how much you can get done, the place you can put together, how much self-improvement you can get done, how much money you can save in 6-months... but you are buying water somewhere else?
Yeah, you have it all figured out & your kid comes first... party on....
{Elspode, One day I want to talk with you about what it was like with your son... my mom is a fucking wall and I'm worried about her as I get worse.}
Anytime, my friend. I'm sure it is a lot different than my case, but I'll share what I can. My son is cognitively disabled, and that differs quite a lot from your own situation.
Mine is congenital... has just gotten a lot worse as I have gotten older. Was more of a disease most of my life, to date, I have only been disabled for the last few years.
Dude...I think maybe we were too harsh on her...got kinda quiet in here all of a sudden.:eyebrow:
Or, she's off smokin' a fattie.
harsh, but not too harsh. if you're fucking up, don't expect everyone you meet to blow sunshine up your ass.
now with 200% more profanity ! :D
Jeez I hope I didn't start that. Then again. . . .
well. i guess you all got me figured out. yea...i was out smoking a big fattie. what of it? i got high and i watched some cops. which i hate. fucking pigs. phillies lost. now they're out for the series. fuck. gotta go smoke another fattie.
toodles.
charming post, extempor. Charming.
Enjoy!
dang, you missed the window of opportunity. now you have to wait until the next time you get sick of drugs and worthless boyfriends.
it's okay, there will be a bunch of know it alls here to guide you then, too. :lol:
remember to shower today. eat some doritos for me.
Let me tell you something...if you want something badly enough, you'll do whatever it takes to obtain it. You won't make excuses and you won't depend on chance or anyone else to make your goal happen for you.
If you want your child, and one of the conditions is to be clean, then why the hell are you smoking pot? And justifying it by saying it isn't heroin or crack? So what? It's an illegal drug, you can go to jail for buying and carrying it and no judge in his right mind will give a child to someone who may disappear off to jail due to drugs, leaving the child alone and back in the System. If you care more for your child than you do a temporary buzz, you'll get rid of the weed permanently.
Do you think it would be good for your child to see (not literally, but kids 'know' these things) his mom screwing someone she isn't committed to and who isn't committed to her? If you're living with Dudley and making fantastic love to this man who is engaged to someone else, how will you possibly form a stable, loving family unit for your child? Doesn't he deserve that?
Going to the park and making bubble mohawks is sweet, but it isn't all that a child needs. Loving him isn't enough to raise a happy, healthy child. Children need stability and parents who lead by example.
What are you doing to prepare for his return besides getting laid and smoking weed? Let me tell you something about loving a child...nothing, NOTHING in life is more important than what is best for them. Not cock, not alcohol, not a big fat joint, nothing that YOU could possibly want should take precedent over what is best for that life that you brought into the world and whose future you hold in your hands.
I've been abused too, by parents and by spouses, and I know for a fact that you can get healthy, mentally and emotionally. It ain't easy and it will be painful but you can either buckle down and get your shit together or you can keep living in a drug-induced fog to avoid facing your demons. Stop blaming the world around you for your woes and take control of your life. Sweep the shit out the door and start standing on your own two feet. Get rid of the toxins in your world and you'll find life is much easier to tolerate.
Then you may have a shot at getting your child back...and happiness.
Stormie
Thanks Stormie - I agree 100%. You put that very well - much better than I did. I think I was in a mood when I went off, but I fear that our messages fall upon deaf ears.
well. i guess you all got me figured out. yea...i was out smoking a big fattie. what of it? i got high and i watched some cops. which i hate. fucking pigs. phillies lost. now they're out for the series. fuck. gotta go smoke another fattie.
toodles.
LOL... Ah don't leave, you were entertaining. :3_eyes:
E A G L E S yay woohoo we're winning 17 14 in the second. anyway, his fiancee found out we're fucking. she sent me a message on myspace asking me if we were or werent. so i answered her question with a question to avoid the truth....shit im not cheating...well im going to finish watching this game...dont worry my hard drive broke so dudley is getting a new one from work...toodles
remember to shower today. eat some doritos for me.
:rotflol:
E A G L E S yay woohoo we're winning 17 14 in the second. anyway, his fiancee found out we're fucking. she sent me a message on myspace asking me if we were or werent. so i answered her question with a question to avoid the truth....shit im not cheating...well im going to finish watching this game...dont worry my hard drive broke so dudley is getting a new one from work...toodles
Extemporaneous you are not. Try: Impromptu
I needed a good laugh today... :)
i cant keep surrounding myself with nothing real. because i am sick of not feeling real.
Is that stoner-speak for "I'm moving out and making something useful of my life?" I can't tell.
Close. It's stoner-speak for "I'm tired of being high and not being in control of my situation." The moving out and making something useful of yourself part doesn't happen until you're sick enough of it to impel physical movement.
you have to put down the pipe, ex. It's the only way you will fix stuff. Sober, you will become more tired of your situation than you can even imagine.
i cant keep surrounding myself with nothing real. because i am sick of not feeling real.
Hey extemporaneous! Happy to see you back pulling on chains (or something) again! LOL
You birthdays coming up isn't it? :ghost:
Dude...I think maybe we were too harsh on her...got kinda quiet in here all of a sudden.:eyebrow:
Suuuuuuuurrrrrreeeee I was.:cool:
each day gets more and more like the last day....i havent left the house in a week. for anything. i called to make an appointment and since my job isnt on the books i lose all those wonderful percs ... haha percs ... called benefits. so i called health clinics to see if they have a therapist i can talk to and the closest date is for, get this, november 28. isnt that magnificant. it's like i dont know what to do with myself. i sit here. i think. i cry. i think. i cant sleep. i dont know what to do. UGH. i hate repeating myself. AND IT JUST KEEPS HAPPENING. the last time i went outside i had a panic attack and my nerves are so bad already i just dont want to deal with it anymore. i sit inside and lock the doors shut all the blinds and sit in the dark all day. seriously all day. THERE ISNT ANYTHING "NORMAL" (i know horrible word) ABOUT THAT!?!:worried: i miss my son. and you all are right, im a horrible fucking mom. but to let you know i never call myself mom. because i know. and to plant more seeds of destruction in my fucking warped mind, i actually stopped to wonder if my sons father is doing alright. im a fucking idiot (and yes, you can quote me on that one). now, im waiting on all of these stores to call and tell me that they're not going to hire me. i need to see a shrink, that's TOTALLY understood. how? i dont know. i am cold. i am going to make some soup or eat the left over chinese food, which a chinese person would never eat, and try to fall asleep.
goodnight moon.
This sounds a lot like clinical depression.
Extemp. you could always go to the ER. You need treatment, now, before it gets any worse.
Even though I generally have a rule about not recommending people go to the ER for problems that aren't strictly physical emergencies, I agree with Bri on this. The doctor isn't going to have any problem seeing what's going on if you give him the story you gave us, and might be able to expidite something for you. Tons of people come in for various nonphysical problems anyway and you will be one of the rare cut'n dry cases that they can actually do something for, so go for it.
*standing on soap box*
Mental illness IS an illness.
*off soap box*
Call a suicide hotline...even if you aren't suicidal they are still ppl who are there (supposedly) because they care. A voice to listen too, and (I don't know much about them but) probably a someone who is trained to deal with people who are severly depressed. There are a few national ones if you do a
google search.
im pulling for ya extem
sometimes it's good to focus your mind on something else for no other reason that to see another day for your kid sake
It might seem mundane in the light of what you are going through but if you try you might see something that catches your attention. It could be anything. Paintings, music, color , a smell. It could be anything. Be well.
Addmitting there is a problem is the first step in correcting it. Get the professional help you need wherever you can find it - phone, ER whatever. You, like everyone else have a great deal to offer the world - especially your son!! Making amends for you can begin with getting your shit straight and being the best mom you can be. Show him, through example, that no matter what life throws at you, you can overcome it and succeed. He will, if nothing else, respect you for it. And you will respect yourself more than you know. Respect goes a long way in altering ones attitude from defeatist to success. Go for it and don't let anyone or anything get in your way.
Extemporaneous, if you are for real then you'll get good advice on this forum. They (forum members) diagnosed my depression while I was still in denial and were a factor in me seeking medical help.
It's hard to make responsible decisions when you're self medicating to make the bad feelings go away, but you're not the only person who has been through this. That's not meant in a harsh way - I just mean there are systems in place to help people like you and you are not alone.
Try not to let it all overwhelm you - seeking professional help for the way you are feeling would be an important first step.
Good luck.
Extemporaneous, damn girl. Gonna make me feel bad for razing you. If you are serious then you do need help. Depression is a serious health problem. One that cannot be set aside. Seek help now. You are young and have your life ahead of you. Things will get better but you have to take it one step at a time. Don't try to do to much at once. Just take that first step - first! Then go from there.
And seriously, get off the weed. It's a false reprieve from your problems. The problems are still there even though you may feel better emotionally when you do it.
Good luck to you.
No more razing,
Madman
ugh i just wrote so much shit and it erased it when i tried to post. i dont think it's just depression. onto of my MID i have PPD, most definitely. i dont think it's that im suicidal. i think it's just that i dont like living. so i need to change all that dumb shit that im up to and conform. maybe not conform, but improve. i dont have the internet now....so there might be intervals i dont respond. sorry. im going to make some grub and go to sleep. i'll talk to you guys later...toodles
Take it one step at a time and you'll see that by starting with the little things, the bigger issues will be much easier to deal with. Good luck & God bless
well i Do not think i mentioned the fact that "dudley" went ballistic and kicked everybody out...but calls me all day and tells me he cant sleep in his bed without me...blah blah blah...he wants me to sleep over tonight, which i'm probably not going to do unless nothing else comes up. i mean shit, sure i'll stop by and watch some movies drink some beers and get laid. (and i had a penis, it would be less of a 'whore-ish' thing to do....) but i cant help the fact that i love sex. well, i had my friend amanda cut my hair and i'm about to bleach it back blonde. i haven't been blonde in four years. and maybe some pink....and i took out a lot of my piercings. i had two in my face, lower and upper lip, my nipples and my belly button (4 times) and two on the sides of my stomach. all gone. i feel like i lost body parts because i haven't been without them in years....but i always change my look. new person type deal. well, i have to go to the bathroom. toodles
I'm pretty disturbed by extempor. and I'm nobody's role model.
Extemp, if you are really in Philadelphia and you don't have insurance, you can still receive mental health treatment. Take something that will prove who you are, and where you are living ... if you don't have a driver's license or a Penna. Non-Driver ID, take some other form of picture ID and a phone or electric bill with your name and current address.
Start by walking into an ER. If you can get to one, go to a CRC (crisis response center) ... they specialize in emergency psychiatric evaluations.
All Philadelphia residents can have their treatment precertified for county funding by an organization called Community Behavioral Health, which is also the managed care organization for mental health under medical assistance.
If you are waiting as long as until Nov. 28 for an intake appointment, you may have approached the wrong agency. Call Philadelphia Crisis (215-686-4420) and ask them where your local county base service unit outpatient provider is located.
If you are outside of the city, give me the town and county and I'll give you info for the correct crisis center and procedures.
yea, im really in philadelphia and i have already been through all that. i have an appointment in late november. which doesnt help any so im probably not going to go. i already tried to get welfare to give me medical insurance so i can go to a shrink...but they denied me. 5 times. im thinking about shooting a bag of dope and asking for a don program. maybe then i'll be seen by somebody. philly is horrible. the only way to get anything from this city is if you are on drugs. and welfare case workers told me that. i smoke weed, and they dont care about weed. i applied at ten gigazillion different places to work...but it's not happening. i have to go put my second treatment of bleach in my hair. :yeldead:
I kinda read through this thread, reading bits here and there, and only because I'm kind of dealing with the same thing. The smoking pot issue at least, which has forced me to deal with a lot of other things that all kind of hit at once. I smoked all day long (whenever I wasn't at work) for a couple of years, and I'm just now starting to come out from under that cloud. What I have found, (and believe me, I feel the same way you do about the smoking aspect) that as much as I was smoking was leading me to feel depressed, and as much as I felt in control of myself I was in all honesty out of control (i.e. doing things outside of my character because I felt like I didn't care anymore). I don't blame anything I've done on the fact that I smoked, I blamed the fact that I smoked on my life. But I was the one making those life decisions so it just became a viscious cycle. Nothing that I'm saying will matter to you I'm sure...all I'm really trying to say is that I know where you're coming from, and how you feel, for the most part...and since I am going to counseling and NA meetings I could possibly have some helpful advice or insight if you'd like it. Let me know.
well i went job hunting down south street (a place with a lot of stores on one street) yesterday. my old boss lives near, so i was going to stop by and ask him about some work and as i was thinking that i look up and there he was. so thursday i start working again. im watching the new king kong now and im about to smoke a bowl. so i will talk to you later. and i talked to an old boyfriend today online. i met him when i was in a boarding school in 8th grade, linden hall. he went to phelps. but anyway, he lives in michigan now and he's a pro wrestler. for some reason i find that funny. but anyway, i hit yous up later on toodles
well i went job hunting down south street (a place with a lot of stores on one street) yesterday. my old boss lives near, so i was going to stop by and ask him about some work and as i was thinking that i look up and there he was. so thursday i start working again. im watching the new king kong now and im about to smoke a bowl. so i will talk to you later. and i talked to an old boyfriend today online. i met him when i was in a boarding school in 8th grade, linden hall. he went to phelps. but anyway, he lives in michigan now and he's a pro wrestler. for some reason i find that funny. but anyway, i hit yous up later on toodles
It's great that you found some work again, why do you have to smoke a bowl now? You have a good turn of luck going so don't do anything that might change that. I've had more people than I care to list preach to me about how weed isn't addicting, if not then why in the world are you still doing it now? You know a high is not only just a temporary escape, just like you know how you'll feel after you come down. The only way to feel better is to fight whatever you want to run away from. If you've been feeling like crap over not finding a job till now then prove to everyone what you can do by working hard and being agressive in pursuing advancement. If you think that people are looking down their noses at you over issues with your kid then clean up, hold your head high and look them in the eye next time you go in with paperwork. If nothing else then prove to yourself that you can deal with your problems instead of hiding from them, and I mean PROVE it, no one can really ever fool themselves. Pain is truly the greatest motivator, and failure is the greatest teacher.
extemporaneous, How's it going? I hope all is well for you. Keep setting goals - no matter how small you may think they are. Set them and go for them.
You got some people here hoping for the best for you! :thumb:
I've had more people than I care to list preach to me about how weed isn't addicting, if not then why in the world are you still doing it now? You know a high is not only just a temporary escape, just like you know how you'll feel after you come down.
For the same reason you masturbate knowing it won't last.
snip~ Pain is truly the greatest motivator, and failure is the greatest teacher.
Success is the greatest teacher because you learned how to succeed. Failure just teaches you another way to fail. :haha:
well hey guys sorry i fell off. today is my 21 and im up early so i can go out xmas shopping. here's what happened in the past however long:
i moved out of dudley's only for him to beg me to come back (he cant sleep in his bed w/o me blah blah blah) so i visited and then visited some more and then he asked me to move back in with him. so i did. now i have all kinds of things going on. with my son...regardless on who agrees with this or not...he's being adopted by his grandmother. she lives in florida and welcomed me to move there too. so fuck drugs man i havent gotten high in a LONG time. i got a therapist and im slowly changing my life, only because it takes time to make things happen. i am trying to get certified in wordperfect with the help of welfare (dont worry im not taking your money just their job training) and that way i can get a better job than burgerking. i found out my cancer spread, so i have to deal with a bunch of bullshit i really dont even like to think about. that's it in a nutshell. have a great 12/12
I hope you had a happy birthday - as best can be - Good luck to you & keep us posted.
Glad you found some direction, keep plugging away. :thumbsup: