Divorce

[perth]

So, yeah, Case and I are splitting up. This was the first mariage for the both of us, and we have a 2 year old son. I don't think either of us really knows what to make of this, or how to handle it properly. So any suggestions or advice would be more than welcome. Legal, emotional, etc. For both of us, Case regularly reads and posts, and I imagine she needs support as much as I do right now.

[xoxoxoBruce]

I suppose, at least I hope, you two have discussed why you feel this is necessary and each understand why the other feels there is no way to compromise. If not, or if it’s a one sided decision, then you can’t remain friends, because one will be the perceived victim. That makes it harder on the kidlet.
Try to keep communicating all the way through the ordeal. You don’t have to be vindictive or lay guilt trips, but be honest, or you’ll be consumed by resentment and that will become hate. Unhealthy, at best.
Good luck to you both.

[DanaC]

Thats a damn shame to hear, but if its what you both want to do then just be as grownup and sensible about it as you sound like you are being and you'll both do fine. Play it right and you could both be the one that helps the other through the split.

If not, or if it’s a one sided decision, then you can’t remain friends, because one will be the perceived victim

Even if its one sided. I still dont see that as a reason you cant be friends. When someone has been a major part of your life the bond remains often even if the nature of the relationship changes.

Most everyone I know who has been through a divorce has stayed friends with their ex, with only one exception that I can think of offhand.
The very fact you mention she is likely in need of support also suggests to me that you still want the best for each other even if things have had ( for whatever reason ) run their course.

I really do believe that most of us go through life adding people to our extended family....I know people who have had two and three marriages and theyre exes and they with respective partners are all great friends and visit each others houses :P

When my ex and I split we just changed the parameters of our relationship . It changed rather than ended. Divorce ends the marriage, it neednt end the friendship, ( unless you want it to)

It wasnt always easy to keep the freindship but I think if you decide you want that it's then just a case of making sure...of consciously keeping the other person in your life in a meanigful way. The fact you share a child may actually make things easier rather than harder. It will encourage you to make the transition an easy one for your little one and by extension yourselves.

Good luck to both of you. In the darker moments just think about the fact that in a year's time you can look back at that moment and know you got through it.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Even if its one sided. I still dont see that as a reason you cant be friends. When someone has been a major part of your life the bond remains often even if the nature of the relationship changes.

You don't see any reason not to remain friends with someone that fucks you over, steals your hopes & dreams, kills everything you worked toward and steals your home & lifestyle (and sometimes your dog). Oh,...ok.

[perth]

I dunno, I really hope Dana's right. One of us does feel jilted, and I hope that we can move past it. I don't want to be at odds with the mother of my child for the rest of my life. I saw my parents do that to each other and saw how badly it damaged myself and my siblings.

For what it's worth, we are working on doing this without lawyers. We've been able to agree on what to do with the major issues (child, house), so I do consider that a small victory. It's painful dividing things up, and even more painful when I run across notes, cards and letters we wrote to one another in the course of packing my stuff up. But it's all part of the process I guess.

[DanaC]

*smiles* I remember deleting all the stuff that reminded me of him from my documents *chuckles* I hated the idea I might run into them and it throw me of kilter ...Whatever peace of mind you manage to get for any length of time feels kind of fragile...Amazing how something can feel so raw one year.....and be a matter of memory the next.

Bruce. I know nothing of the details ofthe split. There are couples who are too locked into hurting each other to be friends. and there are those that find they stop hurting each other when they arent trying to co exist in a relationship that is no longer comfortable. What I do think though, is that even the most mutually acceptable split will involve one party at least feeling jilted. The fact that someone you have been lifebuilding with has decided they dont want to be in on that prject any more....even if you agree with them finding out they think that still hurts a lot. Being hurt doesnt preclude friendship though, its just a place to start.

[Lady Sidhe]

Have you two attempted marriage counseling? Marriage counseling combined with individual counseling often helps. Sometimes if you're not communicating, it may seem you're growing apart, but the fact is, people change. We don't stay the people we were when we got married. The trick is to grow together. If you spend most of your time without each other, starting the communication up again can be hard to do, because no one wants to be the first.

Here's a song I heard late one night on a music show on TV. It got me to thinking, and it kinda makes sense...

START WITH THE ENDING
from What You Whispered
David Wilcox
..............................................

The secret of a happy marriage,
maybe you should write this down
If you want to keep a love together,
the best way is to end it now
Because when you both know its over,
suddenly the truth comes out
You can talk about your secret passion,
you can talk about your restless doubt

When there's no pretending,
then the truth is safe to say,
Start with the ending,
get it out of the way
Now there's no defending,
because no one has to win
Start with the ending,
its the best way to begin

After you have both decided,
you were missing something that you need
The ways that you were too short-sighted,
get easier for you to see
And after all the expectations
shatter on the kitchen floor
You just see another human suffering,
and you wonder what the war was for

When there's no pretending,
then the truth is safe to say,
Start with the ending,
get it out of the way
Now there's no defending,
because no one has to win
Start with the ending,
its the best way to begin

Happy anniversary darling,
we go back a long, long time
I think about our lives together,
I'm so grateful you are here in mine
And I know you'll keep on changing,
you're moving in this dance with me
I love the way we embrace the future
and keep the past a memory

So there's no defending
that the old ways could remain
We start with the ending
and things will never be the same
Now there's no defending,
because no one has to win
Start with the ending,
its the best way to begin
Now there's no pretending,
then the truth is safe to say,
Start with the ending,
get it out of the way
Now there's no defending,
because no one has to win
Start with the ending,
its the best way to begin
Now there's no defending,
because no one has to win
Start with the ending,
its the best way to begin



And here's a poem that made me rethink things, too:

IF I KNEW

If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.

There will always be another day
to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
to say our "Anything I can do?"

But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,

That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear

Take time to say "I'm sorry,"
"Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.


Of course, if you BOTH have decided and agreed that you don't want to be together, then all you can really do is what you're doing now. But sometimes a separation is what people need to realize that they really DON'T want to end it.

I wish you both luck.


Sidhe

[plthijinx]

sorry to hear about this. when my ex and i split the adoption on our boy had only been legal for a month or so and i was PISSED! as bruce said earlier, i felt cheated, used, and beaten like a scalded cat. the divorce was finalized last september and even though i put the $ down on the house and made the payments i still had to refinance to get my ex $18 grand in equity! that pissed me off too. but that's texas law. you can go to the courthouse and file your own divorce. i didn't hire one but she did and that set her back about 5g's. we're now friends, albeit very hard at first but we're friends now. the way i see it you can have it 2 ways. 1. hate the hell out of each other and put your child through that anguish or 2. be friends, or at least be pleasant to one another. i have 15 and a half years of of child support payments so why make it painful.

[Beestie]

I'm very sorry to hear that. Try to be civil and honest and think of the child who still needs both of you.

We are here for both of you whenever y'all need it.

[Undertoad]

Counseling helped me to stay in my crappy marriage for an additional four years longer than I should have.

I guess my main advice is to know that you're probably going to go through the five stages of grief, and that your best bet is to allow yourself to feel all those emotions. Some of them may be terrible at the moment, but put in the back of your mind that although your feelings are real and very legit, they are also only really a phase that you must pass through to get to the other side.

Do not make any important decisions during the anger phase.

Every legitimate feeling you feel, you feel as strongly as you want to, because it is part of what makes you human.

Wisdom comes through looking honestly as you can at what is going on, doing that post-mortem, knowing you'll learn from it and not repeat your mistakes. You'll be a richer person for having experienced this, even though you don't know it now.

[DanaC]

Now that is some solid advice. Not making any decisions during the anger is such a good piece of advice. Its pretty much the advice my mum gave me when I was going through it.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Thank you, Dr Phil.

[perth]

I think we're beyond the point where either of us wants to try counseling. I may seek some on my own, for several issues I'm not sure I've worked out. I think we basically want to move on at this point.

Wisdom comes through looking honestly as you can at what is going on, doing that post-mortem, knowing you'll learn from it and not repeat your mistakes. You'll be a richer person for having experienced this, even though you don't know it now.

Thanks UT. It means a lot to hear that, and I imagine Case will feel the same when she reads this.

I have a lot of anger over this. Anger she really doesn't deserve. The most frightening thing to me is that I will allow the anger to turn to bitterness, and end up miserable like my father. I really don't want that to happen. But I find it frightening that I didn't even realise anger was creeping in until after the fact.

You guys are a great bunch of people. I am very thankful that Case and I both have the support of such a wonderful community to help us through this. Thank you all.

[plthijinx]

something that might help you get through the anger phase could be to start a work out regiment. be it jogging, riding, lifting weights or even a punching bag. i lifted weights and that eased a lot of stress, along with a bunch of heineken calories! oh, and if your going to drink, don't do it excessively. better yet, looking back, don't do it at all. i stayed drunk for two months and all it did was take my money and leave me with a hangover.

[kerosene]

I was wondering when the appropriate time would come to make this announcement to the cellar. Thank you, perth, for taking the initiative to do so.

UT, thank you for your great advice. I completely agree with your sentiments on this.

Dana, I feel some comfort in what you say. Your words are well taken.

Bruce, I understand that you probably have reason to say the things you say, and I appreciate that. I have taken this into consideration, so I thank you for your unique perspective.

Lady Sidhe, thanks for your perspective as well. You offer some interesting things to think about.

Perth, you are a strong person for being able to come out here and lay it bare. Thank you for thinking of both of us right now, despite the hurt you are feeling. I have confidence in the both of us. I know we will be able to come through this and remain friends.