Well, This is Going to be a Lousy Situation

[skysidhe]

morning frown face 'cause, if she asked you, spode, to cut your wrists too, seems like you'd comply. Could be just morning brain fog though.

Maybe I shouldn't be thinking out loud.

[Elspode]

Originally Posted by classicman

Still her student loans are *HERS* alone. That wouldn't be considered mutual debt unless you signed off on them (I believe)
That shouldn't even be on the table.
Idealistically it should be 1/2 of whatever debt the two of you accrued together/2.

Jus sayin.

At least half of her student loan debt was accrued during our marriage, and a great deal of that money went towards mutual expenses. Legally, can I get away with it? Sure...but I'm moral, not legal.

[Elspode]

Originally Posted by ZenGum

I agree with classic. I'd also be deducting the money you paid her in the last few months for rent and utilities which she apparently embezzled.

But if, as you say, bankruptcy is inevitable, #$%& it, take on all dischargable debt and scuttle the lot.

I'm sure that she probably kept some of my bill money to fund her exit. She paid deposit on an apartment, painted it (I know, right?), bought a couple of odds and ends items for it, although she's got more shit than will ever fit in it, and paid her lawyer. However, her grandmother has been funding the shortfall for our household for a few months now, and also paid the retainer for the lawyer. We have been chronically behind on our debts for...well...years. I have no reason to believe the she embezzled anything. We didn't have much to begin with.

The ultimate goal is to simply make the sixteen years of our union come out equitably. So far, I haven't agreed to anything that I don't find reasonable by my own dead reckoning. No, I would NOT cut my wrists if she asked me to. If I was a dickhead, I'd get a lawyer, and fight her tooth and nail for every dime, and could probably come out a lot better. That might be legal, but it wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't be moral.

Money comes and goes, but Karma is forever.

[BigV]

In my experience, fair is a good goal. And your dead reckoning is the best gauge of this. Also, there's no rule that says it needs to come out to the same number to four significant digits. Fair's fair, you'll know it when you see it.

I don't agree about the lawyer part though. Keep in mind, her lawyer IS WORKING FOR HER, NOT FOR YOU. Do not lose sight of this fact. However, retaining your own lawyer for some hot lawyer on lawyer action, definitely doubles (or more) your expenses, and let's face it, your payments to the lawyer(s) come right off the top of your resources. There's a valid argument for avoiding them (at all costs, nyuk nyuk nyuk).

You will be living with your own decision forever, those are the ones you have to make sure you're making well. You are a smart man, a good man. You can trust yourself.

[Elspode]

Originally Posted by infinite monkey

Student loans and bankruptcy:






Article here for more info:

http://www.studentloanborrowerassist...rg/bankruptcy/

If she could do this, we would, of course, renegotiate the rest of our debt. I'll provide this info to her. Thanks! Even if this wasn't your intent.

[Elspode]

Originally Posted by Spexxvet

I think it might come under the "the loans allowed her to get the job which allowed her to contribute to the lifestyle to which 'Spode had become accustomed, Your Honor" argument. Not sure, though.

'Spode, who owns the house? Will there be a profit from its sale?

Spexx, yes, that would fit. Not so much extravagant, just money spent to keep it all rolling. It really is an honest claim.

No, no profit likely. We paid $165k about 30 seconds before the bubble burst. If it short sold for $130k, I'd be blissful, in this market. Fuck, I'd be blissful if it sold at all.

[skysidhe]

You are a good man spode. You have a big heart.

[infinite monkey]

I understand, els.

I pretty much walked away, and left most everything behind. I didn't fight for the house or any of that stuff. People thought I was batty but I couldn't see it. A marriage with a best friend was ending, and I wanted as little pain as possible. I got my car, and my stuff.

I didn't really want the house anyway. He's still living there and has a roomie and I'm glad he's been able to hold onto it.

(Of course, who woulda thunk that my best friend, years later, would buy the house across the street!)

'course, if we'd still been living in the amazing apartment at the biggest mansion in town (rented) I would have stayed there in a heartbeat.

We make choices on what's best for us, each individual. What was best for me was to just let it all go. Whether that was wise on my part (not putting my already tentative grasp on mental health on the line) or really stupid (too wimpy to go through it all) it doesn't matter. End result the same.

I'm glad that SL info might be helpful.

[Sundae]

Originally Posted by infinite monkey

I pretty much walked away, and left most everything behind. I didn't fight for the house or any of that stuff. People thought I was batty but I couldn't see it. A marriage with a best friend was ending, and I wanted as little pain as possible. I got my car, and my stuff.;

Ditto.

I even moved to a different city so that he could keep all our friends without any conflict and didn't worry about bumping into me.
Although that was also partly to get away from all the disapproval too.

[DanaC]

I remember when me and J split. He was going to leave Halifax and move to London to start again. I persuaded him not to. The idea of him alone in a city that makes even the slightest isolation feel critical horrified me.

Glad i did. I was fucking determined we weren't losing the friendship.

[Elspode]

Dana, keeping our friendship is a goal of mine. I don't know if it is realistic, and I have no real way of knowing if it is as big a deal to her as it is to me. She has repeatedly claimed that it is, but it remains to be seen. Actions speak louder than words.

She's awfully used to having me at her beck and call. I'm not real sure how she's going to handle me doing what I *want* to do where she is concerned as opposed to what I feel *obligated* to do.

[classicman]

Actions speak louder than words.

I agree 100%. So far, based upon the way this was handled, it doesn't look good from here.

[kerosene]

Perth and I had that same goal in mind when we split. And we still are friends after almost 8 years. I chat with him almost every other day or so. So, I know it is attainable. It takes a lot of forgiveness on both sides. Keep your chin up, man. You'll get through it.

[classicman]

I have forgiven, but not forgotten. I'm not that big a person yet.

[plthijinx]

Originally Posted by BigV

....I don't agree about the lawyer part though. Keep in mind, her lawyer IS WORKING FOR HER, NOT FOR YOU. Do not lose sight of this fact. However, retaining your own lawyer for some hot lawyer on lawyer action, definitely doubles (or more) your expenses, and let's face it, your payments to the lawyer(s) come right off the top of your resources. There's a valid argument for avoiding them (at all costs, nyuk nyuk nyuk).......

DUDE trust me on this one. i let my exwife handle the divorce back in 03 and lemme tell ya. yeah i got to keep the house but i got truly phucked otherwise. over 50k worth of credit card debt we accrued together. if i could do it again i'd of ponied up the cash for my lawyer.