Humor...I Need Humor...

[capnhowdy]

Did that guy on Popeye ( his name was wimpie or something) want to trade cunt for hamburgers? Just a thought........

[Cyclefrance]

Originally Posted by Kagen4o4

cunt is just the new word for "mole" in aus

What mole told you that?

[BigV]

[austin powers]mol-e mol-e mol-e[/austin powers] Hmm. Lacks a certain, I dunno. Doesn't work for me. Sorry. Carry on.

[xoxoxoBruce]

The only person that can determine if a word is offensive is the person being talked about or to.

[Iggy]

Indubitably.

[Mary Jane and Me]

Aint that tha truth Bruce.........

[zippyt]

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.

The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. When one of these women gets married, she brings with her a dowry.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a motel, or a taxicab in the United States.

[Cyclefrance]

Another Bush baby:

[wolf]

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!!"

*********************************

A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."

She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

[lheene]

Vampires in a Bar
It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it.

At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."

The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."

"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."

"Alright," the bartender says. He goes in the back and comes out with a cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it right away.

"Thanks," he says, and leaves.

An hour later another vampire comes in and sits at the bar. He says "Hi, I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."

"Okay," the bartender says and goes in the back again. He comes out with another cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it and leaves with a 'thanks'.

An hour later a third vampire comes in and sits at the bar. "Hi," he says to to the bartender. "I'm a vam..."

"I know, I know," the bartender interrupts. "You're a vampire and you want a cup of blood right?"

"Um, no," the vampire answers. "I AM a vampire, but I'd just like a glass of hot water please."

"Sure" the bartender says. He pours him a glass of hot water. As he gives it to the vampire he says "You know, there were two vampires that came in before you that wanted blood. How come you're just asking for water?"

Without answering the vampire reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used band-aid.

"Tea time."

[glatt]

Originally Posted by wolf

"How many is a Brazilian?"

[Cyclefrance]

From the Sunday Times last Sunday (finally got round to reading it), so two for the price of one:

Hiding place of the week
Police have arrested a woman after dialling the number of a stolen cell phone and hearing muffled ringing from her bottom. Officers in Iasi, Romania, stopped the 24-year-old thief as she got off a bus after passengers accused her of taking the phone. On calling the number, police heard ringing from beneath her dress. A strip search at the station revealed the phone's unlikely hiding place. 'We've had people hiding things in their bras and knickers before, but this was a new one', said a police spokesman. 'The station doctor extracted the phone, and we sprayed it with disinfectant before giving it back!'

Bad idea of the week
A man has been charged with attempted murder after tossing a plastic bottle, filled with gunpowder, at a car carrying his former girlfriend. Unfortunately for the 45-year-old attacker, the bottle bounced off the car, landed at his feet and ignited. He was taken to hospital in Durham, North Carolina, after his clothes caught fire.

[Iggy]

I have read through this all before... and I can't remember if this has been posted or not. My apologies if it has.


Three men are drinking in a bar. They start talking to each other because all three of them have black-eyes. They ask each other how they got their black-eyes.

The first man says "I just don't know what is wrong with me! Everytime I try and say something it comes out wrong. Like today, I went to the bank for change for a dollar. The teller was really hot and she was wearing a very revealing top. I could see everything! Well, what I ment to say was 'could I have nickles and dimes for this dollar?' and what came out was 'could I have nipples and dimes for this dollar?' so she punched me."

The second man says "That happened to me too! I went to the airport today because I was going on a business trip. The lady at the counter was really hot too, huge breasts and all. So I ment to say 'Could I have two tickets to Pittsburg?' but what came out was 'Could I have two pickets to Tittsburg?' and she punched me."

The third man says "This must be a man thing, because the same thing happend to me! At breakfast this morning my wife punched me when I was going to ask her 'honey, could you please pass the toast?' but what came out was 'Bitch!!! You ruined my whole life!!!' "

[Happy Monkey]

Bob the Angry Flower

[Griff]

ouch