My nephew and his Dad

DucksNuts · 11-24-2011, 10:31 PM

So, for those of you who dont know (which is probably most of you I guess), I moved from Wagga Wagga, NSW to Hervey Bay, Queensland (Ali and I are in the same state now!! and Im a beach bum)...my Mum has just moved up here too.

Anyway, Queensland is where the majority of my family are, so it made sense to move closer, my Nephew (who is only 11 years younger than me, we used to be quite close) and I have been spending a bit of time together. We were sitting on the beach and I asked if he ever thought about his Dad, who he hasnt seen for 20 odd years.

My sister and his father separated when he was very young, and she has poisoned JS (my nephew) against him, so JS has always hated the man.

He asked me what I remember of his Dad and what I thought, and although I was very young at the time, I always thought he was a great guy and a lot of fun, plus I know my sister is bloody difficult at the best of times.

So now JS wants to track down his Dad and asked me to help, I'm all for it...but now I am thinking...why hasnt this man tried to keep in contact with his Son, will there be a box of unopened birthday and christmas cards at my sisters like in the movies? Did he just up and walk away and never look back?

My sister lives in the same house as she did when they were together, I know the Dad is in the same area because I google stalked him and found him on Facebook and LinkedIn.

All of a sudden I dont trust myself and my judgement, so I have initiated contact before I let my nephew know I have found him.

Realistically, the very same thing could happen to my little ferels. They havent seen their Dad for 5 years and it is 100% his choice, but I make sure I never say a bad thing about him, because one day they are going to track him down and they need to form their own opinions of him.

Sorry that was a bit rambly, I just need to get it out of my head.

Aliantha · 11-25-2011, 12:35 AM

What happened when you found him? Have you talked to him yet?

Trilby · 11-25-2011, 06:33 AM

yikes.

good luck with whatever you decide to do. Sticky tricky situation. I've no advice - only good wishes that it turns out okay for all involved.

DucksNuts · 11-25-2011, 08:01 AM

I haven't spoken to him yet, I messaged him on Facebook and stalked him on there..he has another family...so I will tread lightly.

I had tea with my Brother and Sister in law tonight and picked their brains about the aftermath (my brother is 10 years older than me) and they seems to think it was all my sister, the fact that JS doesn't know his Dad.

I wish his mobile was listed somewhere as I would prefer not to call his house and get a member of his family.

regular.joe · 11-25-2011, 08:19 AM

You know Ducky, sitting here in my quarterback underwear with a cup of coffee and thinking about this....maybe a letter by post would be a good idea. You could take the time to compose exactly what you want to say. Hand written letters just have a different feel then email, chat and phone calls.

I don't know, just a thought. I with you the best with however you continue.

footfootfoot · 11-25-2011, 09:04 AM

I think R.J has a good plan.

Lamplighter · 11-25-2011, 09:58 AM

What Bri said...

And be prepared for a response even worse than whatever have you imagined.

DucksNuts · 11-25-2011, 03:22 PM

Well, right person on Facebook. My initial message was just a "hey, is my name and my sister's name familiar", to which he replied "yes dux, you have the right person".

My next one was just a feeler...we will see how that one goes over.

I genuinely remember him as a sweet, kind and fun guy, and my sister said a whole lot of crap that the rest of my family took as BS.

But...im prepared for him to tell me to fuck off.

Aliantha · 11-25-2011, 04:21 PM

My Dad and I were having a conversation about my kids the other day. Their father moved to NZ almost 2 yrs ago and wants them to go over and stay with him and his new family for xmas this year.

I have agreed that they can go, but Aden in particular has a lot of issues with his father, the least of which is that he moved to another country and didn't tell them for several
months. Just disappeared.

So anyway, Dad knows the history between Kal and I and my Dad is no big fan of Kal's, but his words to me were, "It doesn't matter what sort of an arsehole their father is, they have a right to make their own decisions about their relationship with their father, and they're old enough now that they should be able to ask the questions they want and receive the answers they need. Truthfully."

So anyway, I've told Aden he should go and ask his father why he's made the choices he has. I just hope that they don't come to blows.

eta: So anyway, my point is that no matter what the history is, all kids deserve to know their parents and eventually make their own decisions about what sort of relationship they want with them (barring the possibility of some kind of abuse of course), so I think you're doing the right thing Ducky. I don't believe your sister has a right to keep her child from his father just for her own reasons.

zippyt · 11-25-2011, 08:35 PM

Your dad is wise Ali ,
our kids figured out that their dad is an Ass on their own

ZenGum · 11-25-2011, 08:38 PM

Of course, if Duck's nephew figures out dad is okay, the consequence is facing that maybe mum is not okay, else why did she say all that about dad.

Tricky, but children can only be sheltered from uncomfortable truths for so long.

monster · 11-25-2011, 08:52 PM

Have been close to where SN's nephew is. You just need to get all the raw data and figure it out for yourself ....DN is totally doing the right thing.

classicman · 11-25-2011, 11:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zippyt

our kids figured out that their dad is an Ass on their own

??? Did you just call yourself an ass or am I missing something?

jimhelm · 11-25-2011, 11:04 PM

You're missing something.

I hope the kid can find the good in his dad, ducks. And vice versa. Good luck... Follow your gut.

zippyt · 11-26-2011, 12:23 AM

Originally Posted by zippyt View Post
our kids figured out that their dad is an Ass on their own
??? Did you just call yourself an ass or am I missing something?

Sperm doaner , not me , im Step dad

11-24-2011, 10:31 PM	#1
DucksNuts Bitchy Little Brat Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Queensland, Australia Posts: 5,067	My nephew and his Dad So, for those of you who dont know (which is probably most of you I guess), I moved from Wagga Wagga, NSW to Hervey Bay, Queensland (Ali and I are in the same state now!! and Im a beach bum)...my Mum has just moved up here too. Anyway, Queensland is where the majority of my family are, so it made sense to move closer, my Nephew (who is only 11 years younger than me, we used to be quite close) and I have been spending a bit of time together. We were sitting on the beach and I asked if he ever thought about his Dad, who he hasnt seen for 20 odd years. My sister and his father separated when he was very young, and she has poisoned JS (my nephew) against him, so JS has always hated the man. He asked me what I remember of his Dad and what I thought, and although I was very young at the time, I always thought he was a great guy and a lot of fun, plus I know my sister is bloody difficult at the best of times. So now JS wants to track down his Dad and asked me to help, I'm all for it...but now I am thinking...why hasnt this man tried to keep in contact with his Son, will there be a box of unopened birthday and christmas cards at my sisters like in the movies? Did he just up and walk away and never look back? My sister lives in the same house as she did when they were together, I know the Dad is in the same area because I google stalked him and found him on Facebook and LinkedIn. All of a sudden I dont trust myself and my judgement, so I have initiated contact before I let my nephew know I have found him. Realistically, the very same thing could happen to my little ferels. They havent seen their Dad for 5 years and it is 100% his choice, but I make sure I never say a bad thing about him, because one day they are going to track him down and they need to form their own opinions of him. Sorry that was a bit rambly, I just need to get it out of my head.

11-25-2011, 12:35 AM	#2
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	What happened when you found him? Have you talked to him yet? __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

11-25-2011, 06:33 AM	#3
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	yikes. good luck with whatever you decide to do. Sticky tricky situation. I've no advice - only good wishes that it turns out okay for all involved. __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

11-25-2011, 08:19 AM	#5
regular.joe Старый сержант Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: NC, dreaming of large Russian women. Posts: 1,464	You know Ducky, sitting here in my quarterback underwear with a cup of coffee and thinking about this....maybe a letter by post would be a good idea. You could take the time to compose exactly what you want to say. Hand written letters just have a different feel then email, chat and phone calls. I don't know, just a thought. I with you the best with however you continue. __________________ Birth, wealth, and position are valueless during wartime. Man is only judged by his character --Soldier's Testament. Death, like birth, is a secret of Nature. - Marcus Aurelius.

11-25-2011, 09:04 AM	#6
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	I think R.J has a good plan. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

11-25-2011, 08:01 AM	#4
DucksNuts Bitchy Little Brat Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Queensland, Australia Posts: 5,067	I haven't spoken to him yet, I messaged him on Facebook and stalked him on there..he has another family...so I will tread lightly. I had tea with my Brother and Sister in law tonight and picked their brains about the aftermath (my brother is 10 years older than me) and they seems to think it was all my sister, the fact that JS doesn't know his Dad. I wish his mobile was listed somewhere as I would prefer not to call his house and get a member of his family.

11-25-2011, 09:58 AM	#7
Lamplighter Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Bottom lands of the Missoula floods Posts: 6,402	What Bri said... And be prepared for a response even worse than whatever have you imagined.

11-25-2011, 03:22 PM	#8
DucksNuts Bitchy Little Brat Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Queensland, Australia Posts: 5,067	Well, right person on Facebook. My initial message was just a "hey, is my name and my sister's name familiar", to which he replied "yes dux, you have the right person". My next one was just a feeler...we will see how that one goes over. I genuinely remember him as a sweet, kind and fun guy, and my sister said a whole lot of crap that the rest of my family took as BS. But...im prepared for him to tell me to fuck off.

11-25-2011, 04:21 PM	#9
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	My Dad and I were having a conversation about my kids the other day. Their father moved to NZ almost 2 yrs ago and wants them to go over and stay with him and his new family for xmas this year. I have agreed that they can go, but Aden in particular has a lot of issues with his father, the least of which is that he moved to another country and didn't tell them for several months. Just disappeared. So anyway, Dad knows the history between Kal and I and my Dad is no big fan of Kal's, but his words to me were, "It doesn't matter what sort of an arsehole their father is, they have a right to make their own decisions about their relationship with their father, and they're old enough now that they should be able to ask the questions they want and receive the answers they need. Truthfully." So anyway, I've told Aden he should go and ask his father why he's made the choices he has. I just hope that they don't come to blows. eta: So anyway, my point is that no matter what the history is, all kids deserve to know their parents and eventually make their own decisions about what sort of relationship they want with them (barring the possibility of some kind of abuse of course), so I think you're doing the right thing Ducky. I don't believe your sister has a right to keep her child from his father just for her own reasons. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

11-25-2011, 08:35 PM	#10
zippyt LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Arkansas Posts: 7,661	Your dad is wise Ali , our kids figured out that their dad is an Ass on their own __________________ "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. " Brother Dave Gardner

11-25-2011, 08:38 PM	#11
ZenGum Doctor Wtf Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Badelaide, Baustralia Posts: 12,861	Of course, if Duck's nephew figures out dad is okay, the consequence is facing that maybe mum is not okay, else why did she say all that about dad. Tricky, but children can only be sheltered from uncomfortable truths for so long. __________________ Shut up and hug. MoreThanPretty, Nov 5, 2008. Just because I'm nominally polite, does not make me a pussy. Sundae Girl.

11-25-2011, 08:52 PM	#12
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	Have been close to where SN's nephew is. You just need to get all the raw data and figure it out for yourself ....DN is totally doing the right thing. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

11-25-2011, 11:04 PM	#14
jimhelm a beautiful fool Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: 39.939705 Posts: 4,504	You're missing something. I hope the kid can find the good in his dad, ducks. And vice versa. Good luck... Follow your gut. __________________ There's a Shadow just behind me. Shrouding every step I take. Making every promise empty, pointing every finger at me. _tool

11-26-2011, 12:23 AM	#15
zippyt LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Arkansas Posts: 7,661	Originally Posted by zippyt View Post our kids figured out that their dad is an Ass on their own ??? Did you just call yourself an ass or am I missing something? Sperm doaner , not me , im Step dad __________________ "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. " Brother Dave Gardner

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