Need advice on a personal situation

[kerosene]

Maybe this should go under parenting, but I was hoping to hit a wider audience. I have never shared such a personal situation on the cellar, so please take it easy on me and also, beware of a very long post below.
Here is the background:
Bf and his ex split up back in February of 2004. Basically, she stalked him at work at lunch and chased him down in the parking lot with her van so she could get out and hit him in the face because he was not reachable over lunch break. That night, she took their 2 kids ages 5 and 2 at the time, and spent the night at her parents' house out in a nearby town in the middle of the country. That was when they both knew it was over. The next night, he left the apartment. He didn't technically move out because a lot of his stuff was still there, but he wasn't staying there anymore. She moved back into the apartment to figure out what she was going to do, and what she decided to do was file for divorce right away, move out to her parents' house with the children, and use her evil forces to unleash the wrath of hell on bf.
Over the next several months, she hired a lawyer and tried to intimidate bf in any way possible, while taking a victim role. She would not allow him to see his children, but alone and for a total of 8 hours every other Saturday. She constantly told him that he "left her and the children" and I believe she must have either told the kids that or told so many people that in front of the children that the 5 year old girl (who is now 6) believed it. Bf was able to get a little more time with the children...2 nights every other weekend and whenever the kids were over to spend the night, it was obvious they were extremely uncomfortable and it took them months to adjust to the changes. The 6 year old would say things like "Its okay if Daddy doesn't take care of us, because Grampa will" and "My mommy told me my lungs are all black now, because you and daddy smoke". We believe that the ex was completely out of control at that time. She would get angry with bf when he didn't agree to her terms, like when they had gone to mediation and she thought she was suppose to have full legal custody, and he wanted joint. But then, she would criticize him for not having the kids enough, even though that was precisely what he wanted. She would make up stories and twist truths in emails and on the phone about how he was "abusive" or "a dangerous person for the children to be around". She would then turn around and tell him things like "I know a real hitman and I would love to see what he could do to you....but I really do care about your happiness". It was messed up. She also quit her job ASAP after the break up, got enrolled in an associates program and then demanded an amount close to 1200.00 for child support on his 1800 a month salary. He usually paid what she demanded when she demanded it, because he knew little about how the courts actually work in divorces and thought she was right, though really irritating, since she was paying a lawyer to counsel her. He was then laid off, and began receiving unemployment about a month before the final hearing. She didn't let him have any of the marital belongings, so, all he had were clothes and tools. This all happened over about a 6 month period up until September. The final hearing changed a few things. BEcause it was considered an "uncontested divorce" since they "agreed" in mediation on parenting time, the judge didn't have to decide on everything. But, the judge did ask about his employment and he told her he was recieving unemployment because he was laid off. He also told her he was planning to enroll in school full time and after the undergrad would go to law school. The judge said this was a reasonable path and advised that he adjust the child support amount when unemployment runs out. Since the ex's lawyer is kind of a moron, he didn't adjust the child support worksheet, so the judge had to adjust it herself, which was inappropriate, apparently, and bf ended up with an order to pay 400 a month, based on his income from unemployment. The ex was beyond pissed. Parenting plan was "agreed" on at mediation and included bf having kids 2 weekends a month all year long with 1 weekend at 2 overnights and 1 weekend at 4 overnights...kind of sporadic, but it was the best he could get out of her in mediation. He didn't have the money to fight her in court, so he thought he would wait it out for a while and look for an opportunity to fight her, either when he had more money, or when she screwed up badly enough. Child custody litigation can run a person 20000.00 in legal fees. He didn't even have enough for a retainer. She had the backing of her rich, religious family behind her, so she could have fought, no problem. So, here we are now...she announced to bf that she wants to move to Houston, which is 20 hours away from Colorado Springs, where the children originally resided. Bf has since moved to Boulder, CO, which is about an hour from Colorado Springs, but an hour and a half from Peyton, where the ex still resides with her parents. She told him she wanted to get married in March of this year, so she wanted him to go ahead and agree to let her take the kids with her. He told her he would do so, but she had to agree to letting him have the kids all summer (3 months) and she would have to pay for their transportation. At the time, it seemed she was starting to calm down. Well, she came back with a counter proposal giving him half the summer and half the breaks throughout the year. She would not agree to paying transportation costs and there were a few other things she just did not address. They argued for a couple of weeks over it and she finally agreed to letting him have the kids for 2 1/2 months in the summer and half the breaks. Then, her father goes captain insano and sends him a nasty threatening email saying how he doesn't want to support his kids because he won't go out and get a job, etc. He threatened to hire all kinds of lawyers to allow her new husband to adopt the children and change their names. He also lied about conversations he had with his parents and tried to convince him that his own parents were angry with him (which, of course, they weren't). It was pretty bad. He talked to the ex about it and she was cold and rude about it, basically stating that her dad was "tired of bf running over her all the time". The thing is, she never shares any information about the children, like when parent-teacher conferences are, report cards, school events, etc. Any talk between her and bf has been about when and where they are dropping off and picking up the kids. He tells her about the things they do here, but she doesn't share any like info with him. They are suppose to have equal decision making in all areas concerning the children as per the decree, but she is not "co-parenting" and has not been. We also have reason to believe that all of this has been discussed and is still being discussed within earshot and sometimes with the children. When bf was a week late paying cs back in August, the 6 year old asked him "Daddy, when are you going to pay mommy?" She told me this last weekend that "Grandpa said daddy doesn't have any money." I asked her why he said that and she said "I think it is because Grandpa thinks daddy is being bad, but I know daddy isn't being bad." What the hell is going on in that house? So, they had decided on the parenting plan to let her move to Texas (in a huge leap of faith) but bf changed his mind. HE realized that we could provide a much more emotionally stable, constructive, loving environment for the children and that what we could give them was going to have a much better effect than what the ex can provide. He decided not to agree with the plan and she filed for a relocation with the court.

We're finally getting to the point here:
Saturday, he was served papers by mail telling him of her filing and it included all the reasons why she wants to move. One thing she said was that she had to move for a job (which is coincidentally at the company her fiancee works at) at 12.00 an hour for 30 hours a week. She said she needed this job because bf does not timely pay his cs. He has only been late one month, which he got caught up on. The second, less pronounced reason was her marriage to the guy in Texas. She also stated that he has neglected to take advantage of his parenting time, which was because of a change of plans that was agreed to by both parents at the time. She also stated that he terminated his employment to lower child support and would not agree to the move unless they changed child support contrary to the statute. This, of course, was anything but true. Bf has never had issues with paying support for his children, unless she has tried to get exorbitant amounts of money from him for no apparent reason. She also states that he hasn't paid her court ordered fees, and he plans to file for bk. He does plan to file, but has stated to her, that he doesn't plan on putting her fees in the bk, and there wasn't a court order for them, anyway. She cut his time with the kids back to 2 broken up 2-week sessions in the summer and either winter or spring break each year. All I could say is WTF?
So, what do we do? How do I best support my bf? How does he prove that she is lying through her teeth? Any ideas, suggestions or input? IS there any way we can get those kids out of that house? It is obviously emotionally destructive for them, but there is no worry about physical abuse to the children, according to bf, therefore it will be difficult to convince a court of an emergency situation. Thanks for reading.

[Trilby]

You need a lawyer. She needs to be forced to take psychological testing to see if the children need to be removed from her (lawyer can have judge order the testing but it costs to have it done.) I don't think joint-custody or joint-parenting arrangements can accomodate her move to TX. Also, are you sure she's not bluffing about her folks being ready to spend the $$$ for a custody battle? She is clearly not putting the children's welfare first. Talking trash about the children's father in front of them--what kind of asshole does that? Good luck, my friend. And get a lawyer.

[kerosene]

The lawyer is 1st priority right now, but we have limited funds (none). So, we are trying to do what we can in the meantime. Thanks for the support, Bri. The kids have to come first and they obviously don't for her.

[lumberjim]

sorry case, but I'm not touchin that shit with a ten foot pole.

doesnt seem like there is a happy ending likely to come out of that mess. psycho women are ten times harder to deal with if there are kids to manipulate. I have no advice, only sympathy.

PS. that's not me with the pole.....just some d00d i found with g00gle

[Schrodinger's Cat]

It sounds like a very bad situation for all concerned - especially the children, whom the mother seems to have little regard for. Courts tend to favor the mother and/or the parent with the money for lawyers. Can your friend's family make him a loan for legal fees?

[staceyv]

Do you know WHY she is acting like this? did your boyfriend do anything that hurt her feelings/ mistreat her? People usually don't act all psycho like this for no reason at all. What set her off?

[perth]

Brianna nailed it. You need a lawyer (broken record here). I really have no idea how you will sort finances out to be able to do so, start asking around the law department at that school of yours.

As a side note, it's good to see you posting again. I was worried you quit because of some misguided belief that the cellar was "mine" or something.

[kerosene]

LJ, thanks for the...um...yeah. Thanks

Stacey, this woman *is* psycho. She has been this way for years. She isn't just acting that way. Her whole family is like this. They are part of a super-religious organization that doesn't believe in cutting hair, wearing makeup or jewelry, watching TV, etc. She actually had to ask a counsel of elders for permission to remarry. Bf married the ex when he was 18, and his family was also part of this religious group (though, not quite so radical).

Perth, thanks! I haven't found much I have wanted to post about lately, but I have found a bit more time on the computer lately. I never considered the cellar your thing, though I know you are out there. It's cool, man.

I know someone else responded too...and yes, usually the courts favor the one with the lawyer. Hopefully, the lawyer we get will be as decent as hers. Though, it doesn't take much since her lawyer is truly a dolt. Unfortunately, bf's family definitely doesn't have the money for the lawyer. It seems we might end up having to sell something (god knows what). I suppose our souls could go up for sale

[Autumn]

We went through the same thing. We hired a lawyer who represented 'men's rights'. WE GOT WHOOPED! She took the kids and moved. We got our visitation cut in half! and now we can't even get a hold of them on the phone. We spent soooo much money and it was pointless!
Good luck to you!

[Torrere]

The strongest lesson I get from this is "Don't Date the Fundies".

[Trilby]

Case, I know you all are broke, but is it at all possible to get a loan somewhere? I've been in major money crunches and I had to stop paying on bills (credit cards, etc.) and was able to get away with it for quite a while ('course, credit is now in gutter, but couldn't be helped.) so there is that. I understand if you don't want to go that route, though. You need a good, ball-busting lawyer. No pansies. A really good, mean one and then do everything he/she says to do. Anyone who is trashing the father in front of the kids...well, hell, doesn't she realize that the kids are HALF him? She is trashing the KIDS when she trashes the father! What an idiot! I really feel badly for you.

[OnyxCougar]

I'm in a similar (but not as severe) situation with my Husband and his ex.

At the very least, start reading up on the laws of your state. Learn them. Most should be available on the internet, if you can't find them, go to the library.

One thing she said was that she had to move for a job (which is coincidentally at the company her fiancee works at) at 12.00 an hour for 30 hours a week. She said she needed this job because bf does not timely pay his cs. He has only been late one month, which he got caught up on.

Is the BF paying CS through the DA or directly to her? If he's paying through the DA then she doesn't have a leg to stand on. If he's paying directly to her, is it by check? If so, get front and back copies of CASHED checks. This will show he was late once, but made it up. If he is paying directly to her, make sure when you answer the summons you request that you pay through the DA instead of directly, just to head this type of crap off in the future.

The second, less pronounced reason was her marriage to the guy in Texas. She also stated that he has neglected to take advantage of his parenting time, which was because of a change of plans that was agreed to by both parents at the time.

Do you have a calendar that you wrote down every day they came and left, what time you picked them up and dropped them off? If you dont have one, GET one. Answer that part of the summons by simply explaining what happened.

She also stated that he terminated his employment to lower child support and would not agree to the move unless they changed child support contrary to the statute.

The judge has already responded to that, so put that in the answer, and she doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Bf has never had issues with paying support for his children, unless she has tried to get exorbitant amounts of money from him for no apparent reason.

Once the support order is issued, she can't ask for more unless she files a modification request through the courts. Period. Well, she can ask, but he can tell her no, and if she tries to screw with his visitation because he said no, he can nail her for being out of compliance.

She also states that he hasn't paid her court ordered fees, and he plans to file for bk. He does plan to file, but has stated to her, that he doesn't plan on putting her fees in the bk, and there wasn't a court order for them, anyway.

If there was no court order for fees, he doesn't have to pay it. Period. His bankruptcy has nothing to do with custody.

She cut his time with the kids back to 2 broken up 2-week sessions in the summer and either winter or spring break each year.

Again, she doesn't have the power to cut anything. The visitation is court ordered, and if she is not following that order, he can take action against her for not being in compliance with the court.

How do I best support my bf?

By learning the laws of your state regarding support and custody, by typing up the answers to the summons and brainstorming. By absolutely not dealing with the ex, let him do that. By helping him keep as calm and cool headed as possible.

How does he prove that she is lying through her teeth?

That depends on how meticulous your records are and how he's been paying, etc. Most of the time, documentation that backs up your story is going to win the day. Also, BE HONEST. Even if he's screwed up or made a mistake, be honest about it to the court, admit the mistake was made, how you corrected it or intend to correct it, and tell your side. Keep the answer simple and factual. Make it chronological. Start only with the court order, and detail as much as possible where she's been wrong. Answer her lies point for point, using court orders amap (no court fees, she can't ask for more than the court ordered, she denied visitation against the order, etc).

IS there any way we can get those kids out of that house?

That's going to be tough with him on unemployment. Not only do you have to prove she's a bad mother, you have to prove he's a good father. You have to prove he's a better father than she is a bad mother.

It is obviously emotionally destructive for them, but there is no worry about physical abuse to the children, according to bf, therefore it will be difficult to convince a court of an emergency situation.

This is not an emergency situation. Personally, I would put in the answer that you don't want her to move the children to Texas for any reason. Tell the court that he would rather have physical custody of the children, amend the child support to her paying him a reasonable sum determined by the court, and set up visitation where she pays for them to come visit her and he pays for them to come home on a specific schedule (summers or whatever).

Note in the answer the comments the children have made, but make no mention of who you think is filling their heads with this.

If your answer to the court is written properly, in a coherent and appropriate way, that's half the battle. There IS a discriminatory bias when it comes to custody, but all you can do is what you can do.

We can't afford a lawyer either, and we filed our answer last week, so we'll find out how that went in about a year, if the summons was any indication.

Mainly, just document EVERYTHING. Get a calendar and notebook/folder that you only use for this. Telephone calls, the time of the call, how long the call lasted, the subject, etc. If she gets bitchy on the phone, then find a way to record the calls (let her know you're recording at the beginning of the call.) If she refuses to talk to you while you're recording, then all correspondance must be by mail, so that it's documented.

If she wants to play this game, then master it.

[OnyxCougar]

By the way... if she's a baptised mormon, and part of the church, then the parents have an obligation to help her keep her kids. If they can't help financially, you can bet the church can. I guarantee there in a lawyer in the local church that will represent her if not for free, then at significantly reduced rates.

[kerosene]

That's some great advice, OC. Thank you for taking the time to go through all that.

The religious organization is not a church, per se. It is just a group of people who get together every other day (it seems) and talk about the bible. That's what I gather from it, anyway. But, the entire religious group they belong to is disappointed in how that family has handled this whole situation. I know the lawyer she has, and if she didn't get him really cheap, she got ripped off. Her dad is known for unloading empty threats. I don't put it past them, however, to try and mess up Bf's life.

One other thing I forgot to mention is that Bf knows for a fact that this family has had and probably still has several illegal weapons and has been party to a number of fraudulent incidents. I know it is low to bring that into it, but maybe we have to fight dirty when dealing with a corrupt system.

On the loan idea...yeah, we are trying that, too. Unfortunately, both of us have ridiculously bad credit. We are still trying, though.

I say we fight fight fight, until there is no more fighting to do. Even if we don't win, at least we both know we tried to do right by the children.

Bf's unemployment is actually running up soon. He is enrolled in school full time and will be attending law school in the next couple of years. I know they view that as a good reason not to be employed here in Colorado...or at least from what I have seen. Still, the ex has told us several times that she will not be working and be home with the kids (her 2 and her fiancees 3). I can't honestly believe she can actually maintain a job from home with 5 children. That's even more reason they should not be in her care.

So, yes, we understand this is, unfortunately for us and the kids, an uphill battle. Much of her lies can be proven by email (I don't know if that helps). Also, he has been paying to the state and they pay her.

He was going to wave child support from her, if he ended up with them full-time. Would that hurt him in court?

I have talked with her once on the phone a while back and once I sent her a scathing email telling her what a miserable excuse for a mother she is for using her children the way she does. The email was last summer, I think. Other than that, I don't talk to her. I know I will lose my temper if I do.

[kerosene]

The other thing is, we do have email correspondence which includes the hitman statement and confirms that she did hit bf on more than one occasion. We also have emails from her to his mother stating he was never abusive. I wonder if this might help.

Anyway, I see the writing on the wall...big ugly battle, ahead...get mean lawyer.