Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 137

classicman · 08-23-2008, 10:46 PM

Ohhh shuddup radar - its a friggin joke.

JuancoRocks · 08-25-2008, 01:24 AM

A pretty fair description of a guy with 143 days of actual senate service.

Crimson Ghost · 08-26-2008, 02:52 PM

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?''

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

Crimson Ghost · 08-26-2008, 03:06 PM

Dear Abby:

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been diagnosed
as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my
sisters lives in Pflugerville, and is married to a transvestite. My
father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who
are prostitutes in Dallas. I have two brothers. One is currently serving
a life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994.
My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual
misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in
Longview . She is a part time 'working girl'.

All things considered, my problem is this: I love my fiancee and look
forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally
open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama for President?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

lookout123 · 08-26-2008, 03:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crimson Ghost

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?''

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

LOL. saw it coming and still made me laugh.

Nirvana · 08-26-2008, 03:27 PM

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:

"I felt sad ! because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she'd had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose ?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

Nirvana · 08-26-2008, 03:30 PM

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response:

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised,
the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
other
locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated
in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the
correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed
assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting
the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina

footfootfoot · 08-26-2008, 07:47 PM

#1 was originally Liz Taylor and Evander Holyfield, but ok.
#2 pretty cute, I smiled rather audibly.

footfootfoot · 08-27-2008, 05:22 AM

.

SteveDallas · 08-27-2008, 09:40 AM

What's funny about that? Sounds like a pretty normal conversation around my house. (Well, OK, we don't have a cat.)

Shawnee123 · 08-27-2008, 09:42 AM

That is great!

monster · 08-28-2008, 11:11 PM

A Little Bit of Fry and Laurie.... Dedicated to those of you who didn't realize Hugh Laurie (House) is a Brit....

classicman · 08-28-2008, 11:18 PM

Here are the top 10 comments made by NBC
sports commentators during the Summer Olympics. They would love to take back; but alas!. . .

1. Weight-lifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'

10. Another favorite is during the diving competitions two nights ago the commentator said... 'Look at that... you aren't getting anything between those legs.'

Sundae · 08-30-2008, 08:31 AM

Without wanting to get the Radar treatment... those have been circulating for at least 3 Olympics and probably weren't true then. Dicks never played in the Olympics for example and retired in 1999.

Yes - I do know it's a joke, I just prefer my jokes not to have false titles

DanaC · 08-30-2008, 08:01 PM

Mitchell and Webb: The Green Clarinet

08-23-2008, 10:46 PM	#2041
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Ohhh shuddup radar - its a friggin joke. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

08-25-2008, 01:24 AM	#2042
JuancoRocks Sir Post-A-Lot Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Paradise Valley, Arizona Posts: 437	A pretty fair description of a guy with 143 days of actual senate service. __________________ "That's just like your opinion man"

08-26-2008, 02:52 PM	#2043
Crimson Ghost Larger than life and twice as ugly. Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 5,264	A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.' The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'' The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on the front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH __________________ We must all go through a rite of passage. It must be physical, it must be painful, and it must leave a mark. I have no knowledge of the events which you are describing, and if I did have knowledge of them, I would be unable to discuss them with you now or at any future period. Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years

08-26-2008, 03:06 PM	#2044
Crimson Ghost Larger than life and twice as ugly. Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 5,264	Dear Abby: I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville, and is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview . She is a part time 'working girl'. All things considered, my problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama for President? Signed, Worried About My Reputation __________________ We must all go through a rite of passage. It must be physical, it must be painful, and it must leave a mark. I have no knowledge of the events which you are describing, and if I did have knowledge of them, I would be unable to discuss them with you now or at any future period. Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years

08-26-2008, 07:47 PM	#2048
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	#1 was originally Liz Taylor and Evander Holyfield, but ok. #2 pretty cute, I smiled rather audibly. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

08-26-2008, 03:27 PM	#2046
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad ! because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she'd had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose ?" she asked. "That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

08-26-2008, 03:30 PM	#2047
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Sincerely, P. Niss The Response: Dear Penis: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags. Sincerely, V. Gina

08-27-2008, 05:22 AM	#2049
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	. Attached Images __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

08-27-2008, 09:40 AM	#2050
SteveDallas Your Bartender Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: Philly Burbs, PA Posts: 7,651	What's funny about that? Sounds like a pretty normal conversation around my house. (Well, OK, we don't have a cat.)

08-27-2008, 09:42 AM	#2051
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	That is great! __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

08-28-2008, 11:11 PM	#2052
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	A Little Bit of Fry and Laurie.... Dedicated to those of you who didn't realize Hugh Laurie (House) is a Brit.... __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

08-28-2008, 11:18 PM	#2053
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Here are the top 10 comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics. They would love to take back; but alas!. . . 1. Weight-lifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.' 2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.' 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.' 4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.' 5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.' 6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.' 7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.' 8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.' 9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?' 10. Another favorite is during the diving competitions two nights ago the commentator said... 'Look at that... you aren't getting anything between those legs.' __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

08-30-2008, 08:31 AM	#2054
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	Without wanting to get the Radar treatment... those have been circulating for at least 3 Olympics and probably weren't true then. Dicks never played in the Olympics for example and retired in 1999. Yes - I do know it's a joke, I just prefer my jokes not to have false titles

08-30-2008, 08:01 PM	#2055
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	Mitchell and Webb: The Green Clarinet

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