Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 311

Happy Monkey · 07-31-2012, 05:35 PM

That's also an attack on image compression artifact Nazis.

Aliantha · 08-07-2012, 05:39 PM

Drunk Driver - True story from Australia

Only an Aussie could pull this one off ! A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland ..

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy"..

footfootfoot · 08-07-2012, 08:03 PM

True old joke from Australia.

Aliantha · 08-07-2012, 10:38 PM

I just copied it wholus bolus. I'm not sure of the validity.

classicman · 08-12-2012, 10:09 PM

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too...

Gravdigr · 09-17-2012, 04:40 PM

Dogfish.

Gravdigr · 09-20-2012, 04:34 PM

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Gravdigr · 09-30-2012, 05:32 PM

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jimhelm · 10-01-2012, 10:39 AM

MEOW

BigV · 10-02-2012, 11:49 AM

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Gravdigr · 10-03-2012, 04:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jimhelm

MEOW

Out. Standing. meow

BigV · 10-03-2012, 10:01 PM

A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman...and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded
him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes
off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.

Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all
night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work
on some exercises and took little Justin aside."Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the *********** National Committee and is helping to get their candidate elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."

ZenGum · 10-03-2012, 11:21 PM

Sorry, V, but that is a

for blatant political humor in the general humor thread.

Isn't there a political jokes thread for that?

BigV · 10-03-2012, 11:23 PM

better?

I don't think there's a thread for political jokes ... pictures, yeah, jokes, no.

ZenGum · 10-03-2012, 11:37 PM

Come to search for it ... no, it doesn't seem there is.

Imma make one.

ETA here ya go

http://cellar.org/showthread.php?p=832978

07-31-2012, 05:35 PM	#4651
Happy Monkey I think this line's mostly filler. Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: DC Posts: 13,575	That's also an attack on image compression artifact Nazis. __________________ _________________ \|...............\| We live in the nick of times. \| Len 17, Wid 3 \| \|_______________\| [pics]

08-07-2012, 05:39 PM	#4652
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	Drunk Driver - True story from Australia Only an Aussie could pull this one off ! A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland .. Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication. The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

08-07-2012, 08:03 PM	#4653
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	True old joke from Australia. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

08-07-2012, 10:38 PM	#4654
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	I just copied it wholus bolus. I'm not sure of the validity. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

08-12-2012, 10:09 PM	#4655
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too... __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

09-17-2012, 04:40 PM	#4656
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	Dogfish. __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

09-20-2012, 04:34 PM	#4657
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	__________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

09-30-2012, 05:32 PM	#4658
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	__________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

10-01-2012, 10:39 AM	#4659
jimhelm a beautiful fool Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: 39.939705 Posts: 4,504	MEOW __________________ There's a Shadow just behind me. Shrouding every step I take. Making every promise empty, pointing every finger at me. _tool

10-02-2012, 11:49 AM	#4660
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	__________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

10-03-2012, 10:01 PM	#4662
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	My Father is a Gay Dancer A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman...and so forth. However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside."Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He works for the *********** National Committee and is helping to get their candidate elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids." __________________ Be Just and Fear Not. Last edited by BigV; 10-03-2012 at 11:22 PM.

10-03-2012, 11:21 PM	#4663
ZenGum Doctor Wtf Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Badelaide, Baustralia Posts: 12,861	Sorry, V, but that is a for blatant political humor in the general humor thread. Isn't there a political jokes thread for that? __________________ Shut up and hug. MoreThanPretty, Nov 5, 2008. Just because I'm nominally polite, does not make me a pussy. Sundae Girl.

10-03-2012, 11:23 PM	#4664
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	better? I don't think there's a thread for political jokes ... pictures, yeah, jokes, no. __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

10-03-2012, 11:37 PM	#4665
ZenGum Doctor Wtf Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Badelaide, Baustralia Posts: 12,861	Come to search for it ... no, it doesn't seem there is. Imma make one. ETA here ya go http://cellar.org/showthread.php?p=832978 __________________ Shut up and hug. MoreThanPretty, Nov 5, 2008. Just because I'm nominally polite, does not make me a pussy. Sundae Girl. Last edited by ZenGum; 10-03-2012 at 11:42 PM.

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