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02-15-2003, 01:16 AM | #1 |
lobber of scimitars
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Phila Burbs
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Military Humor
One of my coworkers who is an army reservist was recently activated.
His unit "builds hospitals." (Another coworker who is in a front-line unit continues to work ... he's our canary ... when he's called up, something's about to get started.) Anyway ... He goes to Fort Dix, where he is issued his new uniforms. Desert camo. What does the class clown say? "Hey, Lieutenant, sir, are they sending us to Las Vegas??" He got promoted to Sergeant.
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wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis |
02-15-2003, 02:52 AM | #2 |
Read? I only know how to write.
Join Date: Jan 2001
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The attack will start either around 28 February or 1 April. This administration has already said that rule of law can go screw. We will attack for no reason, no matter what the UN or anyone else says.
Watch the equipment. For example, a 28 February attack means the 101st Airborne will be without their heavy weapons - especially so essential helicopters. A February attack means not all units will be ready. But an April attack means that late April battles will be difficult for US forces in extreme heat. British 7th Armour will only just be getting equipped. Not enough time to prepare equipment. Not all naval carriers will be in position. Watch where carriers from Norfolk are located. Also note where even most major French naval forces are deployed. They too are located in the Eastern Med ready to deploy. My bet is that George Jr is so hungry for an attack that he will push for the February date with followup troops to take reserve positions if required. Military said they can deploy faster. George Jr may hold them to their claim. George Jr is so hungry to attack that a Nato delay for deployment in Turkey resulted in hyperbaric confrontation. A confrontation only necessary if war is to be started about 28th February. However, the military probably wants the April date. But victory must be achieved before second half of April - which means little margin for error. Two dates - 28 Februrary or 1 April. Anyone want to bet on an April Fool date? |
02-15-2003, 03:00 AM | #3 |
Professor
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Spring, Texas
Posts: 1,481
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Jihad to be you...
Jihad to be you... I looked around, And finally found, Somebody who... Saddam spelled backwards is Maddas... I can't think of a better reason to attack, NOW |
02-15-2003, 07:42 AM | #4 | |
He who reads, sometimes writes.
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02-15-2003, 09:33 AM | #5 | |
When Do I Get Virtual Unreality?
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02-15-2003, 11:48 AM | #6 |
lobber of scimitars
Join Date: Jul 2001
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I don't think that Shakespeare ever used the word "nuclear" in one of his plays, so Dubya should do okay ...
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wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis |
02-15-2003, 01:28 PM | #7 | |
Read? I only know how to write.
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02-15-2003, 11:24 PM | #8 |
in the Hour of Scampering
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Jeffersonville PA (15 mi NW of Philadelphia)
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From a friend a while ago
Frank Ney wrote: First, a word of intro For those of you that don't really know Skippy, he's a friend of mine that, in a sad state of sobriety, decided to join the Army. He's also one of the Universe's great agents of Chaos and Discord. Feel free to email him with whatever questions you might have, and don't be concerned about whether or not he knows you or even if he understands what the hell you're talking about. I don't. BTW: Skippy is in Psyops. The first time I met him he was wearing a kilt made of fruit roll-ups. Now, on to the list! 101 THINGS SKIPPY HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY ORDERED NOT TO DO IN THE US ARMY: 1) May not watch 'South Park' when I'm supposed to be working 2) My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia' 3) May not threaten anyone with black magic 4) May not challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair 5) May not get silicone breast implants 6) May not play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer 7) May not add 'In accordance with the prophecy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me 8) May not add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters 9) Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it' 10) Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time 11) Not allowed to join the communist party 12) Not allowed to join any militia 13) Not allowed to form any militia 14) Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo 15) Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!' 16) Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers' 17) God may not contradict any of my orders 18) May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty 19) May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying slime, even if I'm right 20) Must not taunt the French any more 21) Must attempt to not antagonize SAS 22) Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker' 23) Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack. 24) Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true 25) Must never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one 26) Must never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your ass in World War 2!'' 27) May not tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne) 28) May not take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times) 29) The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms' 30) Not allowed to wake any Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash 31) Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions 32) Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post 33) Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody. 34) (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody. 35) Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Mega-Deth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker') 36) Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over) 37) Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood' 38) Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy' 39) Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once. 40) I do not have super-powers. 41) 'Keep on Trucking' is *not* a psychological warfare message 42) Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters. 43) Camouflage body paint is not a uniform 44) I am not the atheist chaplain 45) I am not allowed to 'Go to Bragg Boulevard and shake Daddy's little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies' 46) I am not authorized to fire officers 47) I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states 48) I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision 49) Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans' 50) Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours 51) Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations 52) Not allowed to yell 'Take that, Cobra!' at the rifle range 53) Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket' at the rifle range 54) 'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase. 55) An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit 56) An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape. 57) The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?' 58) The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid. 59) May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command. 60) `The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command. 61) If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine, it means he outranks me. It does not mean `I have been promoted three more times than you'. 62) "It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission" no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz. 63) Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority. 64) Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay. 65) There are no evil clowns living under my bed. 66) There is no `Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia 67) I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot. 68) I may not line my helmet with tin foil to `Block out the space mind control lasers' 69) May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty. 70) I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication. 71) I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command. 72) May not wear gimp mask while on duty. 73) No military functions are to be performed `Skyclad'. 74) Woad is not camouflage makeup. 75) May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command. 76) "Teddy Bear Teddy bear turn around" is *not* a cadence. 77) The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for." 78) I may not call block my chain of command. 79) I am neither the king nor queen of cheese. 80) Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions. 81) May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance. 82) May not form any press gangs. 83) Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...." 84) Must not use military vehicles to `Squish' things. 85) Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft Bragg sniper incident. 86) May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the `field of honor' 87) If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it. 88) Most not refer to 1st Sgt as `Mom' 89) Must not refer to the Commander as `Dad' 90) Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection. 91) I am not authorized to initiate Jihad. 92) When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony `Romper Bomper Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate. 93) Nerve gas is not funny. 94) Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that. 95) I am not in need of a more suitable host body. 96) `Redneck Zombies' is not a military training aid. 97) Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator. 98) The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not `Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.' 99) A smiley face is not used to mark minefields. 100) Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are. 101) I may not bury mice with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war". -------------------------------------------------------
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"Neither can his Mind be thought to be in Tune,whose words do jarre; nor his reason In frame, whose sentence is preposterous..." |
02-15-2003, 11:52 PM | #9 |
lobber of scimitars
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Phila Burbs
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I either know skippy, or his identical cousin.
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wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis |
02-16-2003, 09:13 AM | #10 |
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WAY too long to read.
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02-17-2003, 09:59 PM | #11 | |
in the Hour of Scampering
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"Neither can his Mind be thought to be in Tune,whose words do jarre; nor his reason In frame, whose sentence is preposterous..." |
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02-17-2003, 11:17 PM | #12 |
When Do I Get Virtual Unreality?
Join Date: Dec 2002
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Fucking priceless...this guy Skippy, is he a Pagan or just a comedian?
Great stuff. He must be legendary in his wing of the stockade by now.
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"To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog |
02-18-2003, 07:26 AM | #13 |
Questionist
Join Date: Feb 2003
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That made my morning!
I take it he's not typical Psyops material... |
02-18-2003, 08:36 AM | #14 | |
lobber of scimitars
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Phila Burbs
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wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis |
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02-18-2003, 02:08 PM | #15 |
Professor
Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 1,788
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Evidentally the problem with the Psyops people is that unlike the candy-filled... err, the claymores, they do NOT have a convenient label indicating which side to face towards the enemy.
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