Catwoman's Important and Consequential Personal Drama (don't read if easily bored)

[Catwoman]

Well it's been a year (at least) since I posted about this.

Last time I was 'in love' (god we use that word lightly) and the object of my affections was, shall we say, undecided.

I don't know if I was in love then, but I think I might actually be now. I remember telling myself at the time not to actually fall in love. But I fell into it. Splash. Oops.

So... the relationship has been in many moulds since then. I find I am increasingly confused by the situation and not getting what I want; or what I think I want (and I can't tell the fucking difference between the two).

He wants, in his own words: 'Company, conversation, a bit of sex when I want it - with you and anyone else I like, and that's about it. I do not want a relationship. I don't want to marry you or have kids.'

I want, in my own words: 'Company, conversation, sex when I want it, physical affection, and to feel able to sleep with the odd guy and know I'm not going to break your heart. I don't want to get married (ever), or have children (right now).'

Some more astute people than I would notice a few minor imbalances there.

When asked, 'Do you care about me?' his reply is 'Yes, of course.'

When asked, 'Do you love me?' his reply is 'I don't know.'

When asked, 'Why haven't we had sex for ages?' his reply is 'Because I don't want you to get the wrong idea and get hurt. I don't want a relationship.'

The 'relationship' has, at different points throughout the past year or so, been wonderfully sensual, slightly distant, excited and passionate, just friendly, awkward, argumentative, strained, sex, no sex, and casual. I have been uncaring, in love, passionate, confident, insecure, fretful, determined, anxious and content. He has maintained a completely level head and repeatedly tells me 'nothing has changed since we met'.

His reasons for not wanting a relationship, in his own words, are, 'It's not real, we'll end up caught up in the things other couples get caught up in, like conservatories and relatives and new furniture.'

Now what he means by this is he doesn't want to lose his clarity. He is a very aware and rational person, and lives his life with minimal - if any - emotion. He believes it confuses people and stops them from seeing clearly, which I agree with.

EVERY other relationship he or I have ever seen or been involved in has ended badly. I don't mean dramatic break-ups or abuse; I mean people get together for the wrong reasons: the woman wants children, the man's 'making do', they're both insecure. Whatever the reason, between us we have never seen 'real love' in action and so doubt its existence.

So, our relationship right now is based on 'enjoying each other's company' (his words) and not 'love' (whatever that means). We'll stay 'together' for as long as we like spending time together.

Now this makes sense to me, you do see a lot of couples who don't appear to like each other very much: she wishes he would change, or he wishes she would stop nagging (just examples). We like each other exactly as we are, except I keep wanting to change something. I want more from him, and I'm ashamed of this because everything I've written so far makes sense.

What on earth could I want? Does this mean real love does exist, and I want that emotional connection more than anything? Do I just want his exclusive attention (ie I'm a bit insecure). Am I sticking to what I know? I was in love for the first time 5 years ago, with a different guy, and I thought that was real. But that didn't work either. And I don't love him now (I don't think).

Anyway it's a different feeling now. More subtle, likes it's there, but not ready to come out yet.

I think I'm rushing ahead of myself as usual.

So, I have come to the conclusion that I should simply 'go with the flow' and wait and be patient and see if any 'love' type thing results from this relationship, without hoping for it or rushing it or crying when I don't get it.

It's more difficult than that day to day though, emotions often get the better of me and I can't decide whether blocking them will make me stronger or turn me into an uncaring rock.

I can't seem to accept the situation as it is, and all my questions and answers seem so vague I often doubt if I'm talking about anything remotely tangible. Maybe someone could enlighten me as to what the fuck I'm going through, or if I'm not 'going through' anything and merely creating problems for myself to reinforce the comfort of sadness and feel bad in my identity.