Not owning up... and how to address the upset - Page 4

Aliantha · 11-26-2008, 01:42 PM

I reckon if she's your sis-in-law you can go talk to her yourself. Who knows, it might even help the relationship if you get together and have a proper talk about it. Maybe then you'll understand her better and her you. From what i can tell, there's a shitload of grey area in your problem, and the only way you'll ever know what the deal is, is if you have a talk to her yourself.

My sis-in-law had an issue with me that I was blissfully unaware of until my brother told me about it. We had a talk and she explained her position and I explained mine and it turned out that neither of us was a bitch after all. We just had a misunderstanding.

I reckon you've got a good chance of a very similar outcome.

lumberjim · 11-26-2008, 01:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aliantha

it turned out that neither of us was a bitch after all.

::spits out his beer:::

I demand a recount!

Aliantha · 11-26-2008, 01:54 PM

We know you have a problem with math Jimbo, but you really should keep it under wraps till you get it sorted mate.

Juniper · 11-26-2008, 02:12 PM

You're so upset over this, I would bet anything that it's going to end up under the Christmas tree with a tag on it for you.

One can hope.

lookout123 · 11-26-2008, 02:48 PM

If not you'll be able to stab her in the eye with a sewing needle while she's opening the death threat you've wrapped for her.

LabRat · 11-26-2008, 04:29 PM

I am slowly learning to just go the most direct route about these sorts of things. I would just go over to her place and say straight out "I appreciate you storing my fabric for me all this time, but don't think I have all of mine back, and I would like to be sure that I do. I care about it because it has sentimental value to me because XYZ. If you have already used some, that's fine since I told you you could, but I would like everything that is left. I realize it's an inconvienence to you to search for it, so I would be happy to help. I apologise that it has taken this long for me to get myself organized."

Then basically root through her stuff to get what you can, and write the rest off as the cost of lesson learned.

And for the record, Jim made me LOL twice in this thread alone.

SquidGirl · 11-26-2008, 11:16 PM

1) don't call, talk face to face
2) don't accuse, act naive
3) remember you did say she could use some of them
4) don't do it at a family holiday get-together if possible

I would say "wow, look at that beautiful quilt. You know, it reminds me of some of my patches! Did you get a chance to use some? I know I didn't get all of them back....but this really looks nice, good job!" If the quilt is hidden/put away you should say something like this, "last time I was here I got to sneak a peak at the quilt you were working on but didn't have a chance to talk to you about it. It's look really great, can I see it again? Since I've been planning my own quilt for ___ years, I'm excited to see what pattern you came up with!" You can ask advice on making a quilt...even if you don't give a shit. It will come off a lot nicer, not seem threatening and maybe it will get discussed in a non-hostile way.

Is there really a line between authorizing use of the quilt pieces before or after asking for them back? Was it ok'd with a stipulation? Maybe they were used because they were separated, intended for use before the rest were given back, so what's the difference between years ago or days ago? Just some questions. If there are still denials, lies, etc. Just consider it a lost cause and ask yourself if it's really worth it. I'm not saying it is or isn't but there is a lot that can happen in your relationship based on these items. I know they are really special to you so PLEASE approach it gently because if you do it will go a lot smoother and more positive for you! I seriously find it better to act "dumb" to manipulate the conversation rather than direct confrontation which provokes a deer-in-headlights response..

Good Luck!

TheMercenary · 11-27-2008, 09:21 AM

Go buy some cheap quilts and have a quilt burning on a stake in front of her house at night. Put a sign on her door that says "Free the quilt material or I will take your house by force." Ring the door bell, hide in the bushes and when she comes out to put the fire out run in and grab the quilt, dashing out the back door in a quick escape. I think it could work.

Riddil · 11-27-2008, 06:52 PM

So how did Thanksgiving go? Everyone leave with all their limbs?

And a comment for Flint... I'm the same way mate, I hate listening to the old-ball-and-chain just go over and over and over the same topic when there's no decision waiting at the end of the yellow brick road. BUT! I've learned that some people, and it seems to be more common in women-folk, that rehashing the same stories is actually a way to work through a problem. They don't know how to handle it, but after telling and retelling they over time slowly develop a "gut feeling" for how to deal with the situation. If you just challenged Mrs. Pooka, "get a plan!" I bet there's no way she could find a plan she had any confidence with. But given enough time to repeat the story / thoughts / ideas, one will eventually take shape.

It's just a different way of thinking.

Pooka · 11-30-2008, 11:48 AM

Was not my sis in law... for the record. Though you are on the right track... it would have been easier and less disturbing if it was .

Here is what happened. We went over there for Thanksgiving. The quilt in progress was not where it had been previously. Flint searched high and low and did not see it anywhere. She saw us looking and headed us off and felt the need to show us her sewing room and large closet full of HER fabric which spaned floor to ceiling. I asked again and told her I know ther are more and she seemed annoyed and reiterated that she did not have them and suggested that perhaps they were at my house packed into something else at which point Flint said... "when we were here the other day I saw a project you were working on and it was made out of the same material we have at our house which to Pooka is refering" she immediatly changed the subject and left the room. I was shocked that she would lie to him too. Flint looked dumbfounded.

I guess he decided toreconsider that she must be making it for us.... though I really really doubt it... we'll see in about a month I guess . I don't know what else I can do without being able to produce the object. Calling her on the carpet (or the quilt as this case may be) doesn't seem to be effective. Though we knew she was lying and she was obviously nervous all day.

Unbelievable.

LabRat · 11-30-2008, 12:03 PM

Well, at least Flint was there too to witness her behavior. I would keep my mouth shut till Christmas if it were me, and see what happens at that point. If I (we) got a gift made of it, I'd apologize for being weird about the whole thing. If no object appears, I'd just shaddup about it. Unless it appears that someone else might need a head's up about her past behavior with you, it won't do you any good to sit and stew about it. The whole situation is rotten, but so are some people.

Aliantha · 11-30-2008, 03:23 PM

Sounds to me like it might be time to build a bridge and get over it if she's going to be that hard nosed about it. Sometimes that's all you can do.

Elspode · 11-30-2008, 05:19 PM

I think it boils down to a very simple solution, and someone else may have already suggested it, but:

What's more important, the relationship or the fabric?

Sometimes in order to preserve what is otherwise a valuable relationship, we have to blow off some pretty fucked up shit.

If the coin toss results in "I can't be friends with someone who would do that to me", then go to her place, find yer stuff, take it and leave.

That's all I have to say about it.

Pooka · 12-04-2008, 09:14 AM

Ok... trying to deal with it... I'm a grudge holder and I know that is one of my biggest character flaws... ask my dad to whom I've not spoken in 16 years... although it really doesn't compare at all...

The offers of fabric is super sweet you guys... and if you are serious… at this point I would gladly take you up on your offers… it would actually be a pretty sweet conclusion… well not for the other person, but at least for the quilt.

Sundae · 12-04-2008, 03:42 PM

Pooka, please bear in mind when I write this that I am a grudge bearer too. I am not setting myself up to be better than you, I am just channelling other people who have advised me over the years.

You have lied to her too. If not in exact words then at least by omission and behaviour. I can understand why you are angry - this is something that you now feel personally about. But in truth, you offered her this fabric and when you saw it had been used you did not immediately address the situation. I know you believe it wasn't used until after you asked for it back, but I will just ask that you consider this: did your MIL, knowing you wanted this back to make a quilt for your children, deliberately use the fabric and lie about it? Does she bear a grudge against you? It's a spiteful act if done in full knowledge.

Of course this might be the case. Flint certainly has not defended his mother. And I think I remember him saying he would not trust your baby (the first at the time) with either set of Grandparents and would rather put them in a creche at the gym.

I have no solution to offer you except that the best option is absolute honesty. She may actually know you saw the quilt and be saying the same about your duplicity to her circle.

11-26-2008, 01:42 PM	#46
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	I reckon if she's your sis-in-law you can go talk to her yourself. Who knows, it might even help the relationship if you get together and have a proper talk about it. Maybe then you'll understand her better and her you. From what i can tell, there's a shitload of grey area in your problem, and the only way you'll ever know what the deal is, is if you have a talk to her yourself. My sis-in-law had an issue with me that I was blissfully unaware of until my brother told me about it. We had a talk and she explained her position and I explained mine and it turned out that neither of us was a bitch after all. We just had a misunderstanding. I reckon you've got a good chance of a very similar outcome. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

11-26-2008, 01:54 PM	#48
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	We know you have a problem with math Jimbo, but you really should keep it under wraps till you get it sorted mate. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

11-26-2008, 02:48 PM	#50
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	If not you'll be able to stab her in the eye with a sewing needle while she's opening the death threat you've wrapped for her. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

11-26-2008, 04:29 PM	#51
LabRat twatfaced two legged bumhole Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 3,143	I am slowly learning to just go the most direct route about these sorts of things. I would just go over to her place and say straight out "I appreciate you storing my fabric for me all this time, but don't think I have all of mine back, and I would like to be sure that I do. I care about it because it has sentimental value to me because XYZ. If you have already used some, that's fine since I told you you could, but I would like everything that is left. I realize it's an inconvienence to you to search for it, so I would be happy to help. I apologise that it has taken this long for me to get myself organized." Then basically root through her stuff to get what you can, and write the rest off as the cost of lesson learned. And for the record, Jim made me LOL twice in this thread alone. __________________ Strength does not come from how much weight you can lift, or how many miles you can run. It comes from knowing that you set a goal, and rose to the challenge. Strength comes from within.

11-27-2008, 09:21 AM	#53
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	Go buy some cheap quilts and have a quilt burning on a stake in front of her house at night. Put a sign on her door that says "Free the quilt material or I will take your house by force." Ring the door bell, hide in the bushes and when she comes out to put the fire out run in and grab the quilt, dashing out the back door in a quick escape. I think it could work. __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

11-26-2008, 02:12 PM	#49
Juniper I know, right? Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 1,539	You're so upset over this, I would bet anything that it's going to end up under the Christmas tree with a tag on it for you. One can hope.

11-26-2008, 11:16 PM	#52
SquidGirl Colloquialist Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Cavern in Mount Pleasant, MI Posts: 79	1) don't call, talk face to face 2) don't accuse, act naive 3) remember you did say she could use some of them 4) don't do it at a family holiday get-together if possible I would say "wow, look at that beautiful quilt. You know, it reminds me of some of my patches! Did you get a chance to use some? I know I didn't get all of them back....but this really looks nice, good job!" If the quilt is hidden/put away you should say something like this, "last time I was here I got to sneak a peak at the quilt you were working on but didn't have a chance to talk to you about it. It's look really great, can I see it again? Since I've been planning my own quilt for ___ years, I'm excited to see what pattern you came up with!" You can ask advice on making a quilt...even if you don't give a shit. It will come off a lot nicer, not seem threatening and maybe it will get discussed in a non-hostile way. Is there really a line between authorizing use of the quilt pieces before or after asking for them back? Was it ok'd with a stipulation? Maybe they were used because they were separated, intended for use before the rest were given back, so what's the difference between years ago or days ago? Just some questions. If there are still denials, lies, etc. Just consider it a lost cause and ask yourself if it's really worth it. I'm not saying it is or isn't but there is a lot that can happen in your relationship based on these items. I know they are really special to you so PLEASE approach it gently because if you do it will go a lot smoother and more positive for you! I seriously find it better to act "dumb" to manipulate the conversation rather than direct confrontation which provokes a deer-in-headlights response.. Good Luck!

11-27-2008, 06:52 PM	#54
Riddil Management Consultant Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 165	So how did Thanksgiving go? Everyone leave with all their limbs? And a comment for Flint... I'm the same way mate, I hate listening to the old-ball-and-chain just go over and over and over the same topic when there's no decision waiting at the end of the yellow brick road. BUT! I've learned that some people, and it seems to be more common in women-folk, that rehashing the same stories is actually a way to work through a problem. They don't know how to handle it, but after telling and retelling they over time slowly develop a "gut feeling" for how to deal with the situation. If you just challenged Mrs. Pooka, "get a plan!" I bet there's no way she could find a plan she had any confidence with. But given enough time to repeat the story / thoughts / ideas, one will eventually take shape. It's just a different way of thinking. __________________ He who dares, wins, my son. He who dares! - SAS Boredom: the desire for desires. - Tolstoy

11-30-2008, 11:48 AM	#55
Pooka Your Invisible Rabbit Friend Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Betwixt and Between Posts: 528	Was not my sis in law... for the record. Though you are on the right track... it would have been easier and less disturbing if it was . Here is what happened. We went over there for Thanksgiving. The quilt in progress was not where it had been previously. Flint searched high and low and did not see it anywhere. She saw us looking and headed us off and felt the need to show us her sewing room and large closet full of HER fabric which spaned floor to ceiling. I asked again and told her I know ther are more and she seemed annoyed and reiterated that she did not have them and suggested that perhaps they were at my house packed into something else at which point Flint said... "when we were here the other day I saw a project you were working on and it was made out of the same material we have at our house which to Pooka is refering" she immediatly changed the subject and left the room. I was shocked that she would lie to him too. Flint looked dumbfounded. I guess he decided toreconsider that she must be making it for us.... though I really really doubt it... we'll see in about a month I guess . I don't know what else I can do without being able to produce the object. Calling her on the carpet (or the quilt as this case may be) doesn't seem to be effective. Though we knew she was lying and she was obviously nervous all day. Unbelievable.

11-30-2008, 12:03 PM	#56
LabRat twatfaced two legged bumhole Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 3,143	Well, at least Flint was there too to witness her behavior. I would keep my mouth shut till Christmas if it were me, and see what happens at that point. If I (we) got a gift made of it, I'd apologize for being weird about the whole thing. If no object appears, I'd just shaddup about it. Unless it appears that someone else might need a head's up about her past behavior with you, it won't do you any good to sit and stew about it. The whole situation is rotten, but so are some people. __________________ Strength does not come from how much weight you can lift, or how many miles you can run. It comes from knowing that you set a goal, and rose to the challenge. Strength comes from within.

11-30-2008, 03:23 PM	#57
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	Sounds to me like it might be time to build a bridge and get over it if she's going to be that hard nosed about it. Sometimes that's all you can do. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

11-30-2008, 05:19 PM	#58
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	I think it boils down to a very simple solution, and someone else may have already suggested it, but: What's more important, the relationship or the fabric? Sometimes in order to preserve what is otherwise a valuable relationship, we have to blow off some pretty fucked up shit. If the coin toss results in "I can't be friends with someone who would do that to me", then go to her place, find yer stuff, take it and leave. That's all I have to say about it. __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

12-04-2008, 09:14 AM	#59
Pooka Your Invisible Rabbit Friend Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Betwixt and Between Posts: 528	Ok... trying to deal with it... I'm a grudge holder and I know that is one of my biggest character flaws... ask my dad to whom I've not spoken in 16 years... although it really doesn't compare at all... The offers of fabric is super sweet you guys... and if you are serious… at this point I would gladly take you up on your offers… it would actually be a pretty sweet conclusion… well not for the other person, but at least for the quilt.

12-04-2008, 03:42 PM	#60
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	Pooka, please bear in mind when I write this that I am a grudge bearer too. I am not setting myself up to be better than you, I am just channelling other people who have advised me over the years. You have lied to her too. If not in exact words then at least by omission and behaviour. I can understand why you are angry - this is something that you now feel personally about. But in truth, you offered her this fabric and when you saw it had been used you did not immediately address the situation. I know you believe it wasn't used until after you asked for it back, but I will just ask that you consider this: did your MIL, knowing you wanted this back to make a quilt for your children, deliberately use the fabric and lie about it? Does she bear a grudge against you? It's a spiteful act if done in full knowledge. Of course this might be the case. Flint certainly has not defended his mother. And I think I remember him saying he would not trust your baby (the first at the time) with either set of Grandparents and would rather put them in a creche at the gym. I have no solution to offer you except that the best option is absolute honesty. She may actually know you saw the quilt and be saying the same about your duplicity to her circle.

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