Stepfamilies

[Clodfobble]

Since I've done the unthinkable and actually identified myself on this site after more than a year of lurking, I figure I might as well jump in with both feet and start with a sort of introduction by way of a new thread in my favorite underused section...

I have two stepkids, aged 5 and 2 (as of today). We have, of course, the requisite stepfamily issues, (many of which I actually regard as normal family issues.) I had both a stepmother, who was in my opinion the perfect stepparent, and a stepfather who was as far from it as is humanly possible. Since it's pretty much all I have to go on, I have tended to build my attitude towards my kids based solely on these two experiences.

Anyone else with stepchildren, stepparents, stepsiblings, etc., and what experiences have been influential in your relationship with them?

[99 44/100% pure]

I have step-parents and grandparents and three half-brothers that I'm so close to we don't use the "half" prefix except to explain to outsiders.

I have had experience ranging from great to shitty with these folks and it all seems to come down to the same characteristics which affect "natural" families: do unto others, and, what goes around comes around. You are starting so young with these kids that the most likely interference with developing and maintaining normal family relations will likely center around the biological dad*. What's his story? Is he alive? Involved with the kids? A decent person? Have a cordial (at least) or friendly (ideal) relationship with you? With your wife?


*Um, I seem to have assumed that you are male, and married to a female, and that her former partner is male.

[Clodfobble]

Nope, sorry, I am female, married to a male, and he has two kids from a previous relationship. They have joint custody. There are all the standard problems of the mother badmouthing both my husband and myself. It's cordial face-to-face for all of us, but we've heard many things repeated by the 5yo that are definitely less than polite. I know enough from my own experiences that when they're older they will definitely see that as the immature behavior that it is, and I'm not terribly worried about it.

But when my parents divorced, I was old enough to know that no stepparent was trying to "replace" anyone, and that the whole thing was normal and workable. The mother has repeatedly told my stepdaughter that she is "weird" for having a stepmother and that "ALL the other children in your school have married parents" which is, of course, ridiculous, and we tell her so, but just TRY telling a five-year-old that her mother is wrong about something.

I know in the long run she'll figure out that she's at the very least in a sizeable minority, if not the majority by then, and that in general she should turn out to be a decent person despite her mother's hatred (they're mixed-race, and the mother's also pretty upset about that too, disregarding her own obvious role in making them that way). But for the time being it makes it hard to relate to her.

My larger concern though is how she will deal with her eventual half-siblings, since my husband and I plan on having children too. If you were very close to your halfbrothers, then I have hope.

[wolf]

Read Cinderella to the children often. Fear helps keep them in line ...

JOKE, people ... step anythings get the short, slobbery end of the stick in most literary presentations. The only thing you can really do about that is work hard not to live up to the stereotype of the evil-step-fill in the blank ... respecting the kids, respecting yourself, and their bio-parents are probably going to provide a lot better time for all of you. As familial relationships become more complex it's necessary to balance all of these interactions.

(I either said an awful lot or very little in the above.)

[Clodfobble]

Heh... Once when we were reading Cinderella, she nodded and said "Yeah, because all stepmommies are evil." After a long refuting of that--What do evil people do? Do I do that? Does Lauren's stepmommy do that? Do either of us do ANYTHING evil? Then not ALL stepmommies are evil, are they?--she just looked at me dumbfounded and repeated, "But all stepmommies are evil" like I was denying my heritage or something. Exasperated, she illustrated with, "I can't be a BOY when I grow up!" which was a discussion we'd had with her a few days previous.

So apparently I'll just be evil later--after I grow up.


There are also very few kid stories with father role models as well. Finding Nemo is a rare example, and an excellent one.

[OnyxCougar]

I had step both's growing up, from the age of 9.

My first step mother tried to have me committed, and I nearly knocked the second one out cold in what would have been the world's fastest fist fight, had my father not arrived home just in time.

I have half sisters and ex-step-brothers and sisters.

This is the first time I've had step children (two daughters) and I haven't met them yet. (I get ta meet em the first week of April).

All you can do is love them and the most important thing is to treat them exactly like your own children. Discipline should be the same, from both you and your husband, for all the children. The rules are all the same. If the kids have different rules, it will cause a HUGE mess. Your advantage is that you have them when they are still pretty young. I anticipate the ugliness of the biomom becoming a problem at a later time, but the main thing is never to badmouth her, no matter how bad it gets. You can refute her, but don't belittle, or it's over.

Sounds like you have a handle on it, tho. I have a whole bunch of step sibling horror stories, but lets focus on the positive.

[Clodfobble]

How old are your stepkids, OC? I know you mentioned it at one point in an old thread, but I've forgotten where that is. Your son is coming to live with you soon too, isn't he?

One of the defining characteristics in my stepfamily on my dad's side was that, as the oldest of four kids total, I was expected to watch them on a regular basis. But I was never able to actually secure that sense of authority with them, so they totally ran amuck and I would get in trouble for it. It was extremely frustrating.

In my husband's family, the same thing happened but they were all related, and the oldest girl actually did manage to control everyone reasonably well. (Actually, too much in my opinion, she still acts like a second mother to all of them and it's very irritating.) But I always wondered if they would have respected me more had I been with them the whole time they were growing up.

[zippyt]

I agree with OC , take the high ground , and stand your ground ( disiplin wise i meen ) . Let bioMom say what she wants , just live your life right and teach the kids to live right . Present a united front to the kids , ALL the kids . Never argue about their disipline in front of them . Treat every body as fairly as possable ( you and hubbie as well ) Don't let family ties break down , think about it your kids have 3 sets of grand parents now , 3 sets of Bday and Xmas presents !!!! And if any of the grandparents say " that ain't my grand baby " remind them that they don't HAVE to lavisch the presents on the Non- reletives but Some thing is nice .

I have 2 step kids , both in collage now . Bio Dad used to say ALL kinds of crap about us , the kids bought in to it for a while , then figuered out that he was full of shit .
They have both come to me seperetly and said thank you for being there for us . That freaked me out , because for the longest time i had the idea that they thought i was just the asshole married to their mom this time .

Good luck

[headsplice]

I got lucky, all three (mom, father, stepdad) of my parents behaved like adult in front of my when I was growing up. Part of that is personality, but part of it is they read a book called "Mom's House, Dad's House." It basically sets up rules for parents who have kids living in two different places. I've since read it and it's really, really interesting to see how many of my folks' behaviors are straight out of the book.