Merry F'in Christmas - I want a divorce. - Page 11

Clodfobble · 01-13-2006, 05:34 PM

No one can ever say you didn't give it everything you had and more. I hope the pain starts to go away sooner rather than later.

warch · 01-13-2006, 06:20 PM

lawyer up, get legal help to make it a clean and amicable as possible. protect the kid and his sense of security during the change. protect yourself, too. You deserve an equally loving partner and I have no doubt will find better days. I'm sorry you have to go through this heartbreak, but it sounds like you do.

01-13-2006, 07:09 PM

Very, very sorry, Lookout. Please take care of yourself and the boy. It gets better. Then it gets worse again. Eventually it does get behind you and the sun starts to rise again.

My deepest sympathy.

Beestie · 01-13-2006, 08:50 PM

We are solidly behind you. Draw down as needed.

xoxoxoBruce · 01-13-2006, 09:58 PM

Time heals all non-fatal wounds. Problem is healing is like the days getting longer. You've got to get a long way into it before you notice and even then it's not complete yet. Keep busy with work and the kid, doing what you have to do and "don't stop thinking about tomorrow". It helps, it really does.

Rock Steady · 01-13-2006, 10:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lookout123

divorce.

Sorry, man. I don't know what to say, except we're here for you. I haven't posted much, but I have been following this and sending you silent good wishes. Good karma is on your side.

lookout123 · 01-13-2006, 11:24 PM

we met with the psychologist today. i had seen her attitude grow more distant all week so it didn't come as a complete surprise but the finality of it still takes my breath away.

she tells the doc that she has made her decision. her final answer. he tries drilling down but she is a brick wall. we spent a couple of hours talking this evening. everything she says when she is just chatting and not talking "divorce stuff" is appropriate from someone who wants to make it work. but then she will stop in her tracks, realize that the walls came down for a bit and she will throw them right back up. so confusing. i told her that i think divorce is the wrong way to go, unnecessary, there is still hope... but i won't fight it anymore. if she has made her decision then she needs to go ahead and do what she says she wants to do.
very emotional afternoon and evening.

then we opened discussions about money. she said i could have all the money from savings. i said "no thanks, i just want half". she pointed out that i'll need money to put down on a new house. i pointed out that nothing was set in stone that she would be keeping our current house, but assuming she did i would want half the equity. her eyes popped as she realized that she may not be able to afford that size of a mortgage to get me the cash. then she said that she, of course, would need to keep the house so our son can have the continuity of living in the same home. it literally tore me apart to see her reaction when i asked if she really thought i was just going to be a weekend dad and leave him with her.

she mentioned that she had consulted a lawyer on monday (the day after i threw out all the alcohol) and he said we didn't have to go to court if we agreed on everything and just used him. i told her it was possible but not likely and i told her that an associate had referred me to a group effort called collaborative divorce. she didn't like the idea because it wasn't hers, but that is probably the route we'll go. she knows i don't care about money, houses, and cars, but i will spend every dime i plan on making in the next five years to make sure that my son has what i feel to be the best possible situation (outside of happy loving parents

)

on a side note she agreed to undergo a psych eval to investigate the possibility of a chemical or neurological problem - as long as i understand that even if she does have a problem and it can be fixed with medication it doesn't mean we are staying together.

you ever want to just squeeze some sense back into someone who isn't thinking clearly? no matter she has done, or might have done i still love her.

in an emotional moment she said that if we separate she may get out and find out how truly important i was too her and come right back. you don't go into a situiation planning on that. you exhaust all possibilities and then seperate.

ah, what do i know.

Beestie · 01-13-2006, 11:46 PM

At some point, you need to make the difficult but necessary decision to get off the roller coaster. There's two people that need you to stabilize: your son and you.

The sooner you can take ownership of the pain she is causing, the sooner she will cease being in control. If you don't let her make you feel better with her good moods and comforting words then you are similarly not letting her hurt you when she gets cold. It won't hurt any less right away but you'll heal a lot faster because your emotional state won't be linked to hers anymore. Easier to type up than to do, I realize, but necessary nonetheless.

Consult an attorney. Privately. Better to have heavy artillary ready to deploy and not need to use it than to get blindsided with your guard down.

lookout123 · 01-14-2006, 09:50 AM

there is a lesson in here somewhere...

never say "i have everything i have ever wanted"

don't give yourself away so completely that someone else has the power to destroy you.

trust may need a new definition.

oh, there are a bunch more, but they are all BS.

a closed off untrusting life isn't worth living. the truth is that love is real. there are people worthy of trust and love. love is still a verb, not a feeling. unfortunately, the person that i have given everything i am, have, and think to over the last 7 years has decided that it is both and because she doesn't have the feeling, the action isn't worth taking.

i am really fighting bitterness and anger this morning. the good news is that they haven't completely consumed me - because i have this overwhelming wall of sorrow, regret, and just plain old sadness rolling over me like waves.

i can barely look at my son without bursting out in tears. how do i tell him that his universe just ended? he is 4. he is old enough to know what life looks like. he is used to it. he is not old enough to understand that sometimes mommies and daddies become selfish and self-destructive. all he is going to understand is that life as he knows it and loves it just ended. how do you make that a non-devastating effect on a 4 year old. old enough to know what is supposed to be, but not old enough to know that sometimes it just doesn't go that way.

xoxoxoBruce · 01-14-2006, 01:18 PM

Be careful not to project on your son what you think he should feel. Children are much more resilient and accepting than adults, so love him and answer his questions but don’t add your fears to his own.
Good luck, my friend, you’re on your way now.

Undertoad · 01-14-2006, 01:45 PM

My dad died when I was 3. Being fatherless was not a burden as long as Mom didn't say it was. It wasn't the terrible thing it was supposed to be, from my point of view, because it was all I knew. It was normal.

01-14-2006, 03:52 PM

Yeah, don't tell your son that its the end of the world. When I was growing up I had the Momster and then, I had an actual parent who was my Dad. Since my Dad was in the military, I would sometimes be left alone with the Momster for long periods of time. My Dad would take his duty orders in stride (at least when I was around) and this helped. I still blamed the Momster, though, and not the Army for his periodic absences. I figured she wanted the extra cash his hardship pay brought in, and I was actually right. My Dad never said this to me, though. Even when we had to be apart he wrote me almost daily, and I clung to the life line he offered by being the one loving parent in my life. You can do the same for your boy. Fight like a tiger for at least joint custody. Use your anger in a constructive way to help you get past the pain. Anger channeled appropriately can help you fight for what's best for you and your son, rather than giving way to sorrow.

And yes, somewhere out there is a woman who is just going to be delighted to have both you and your son in her life and give you the love you both deserve. Mark my words.

xoxoxoBruce · 01-14-2006, 07:04 PM

Mari, you're probably right. After all he's not that bad looking ....for a bald guy.

zippyt · 01-14-2006, 08:02 PM

Sorry to hear about all this dude , but well i see it from a different point of view , Time to go on the proactive defence stratagy !!!

She is the one going Weird in the head ( sorry ) and acting erraticaly ,
She is the one initiationing ALL this ,
If She wants a change then SHE should do the changeing ,
AS in SHE neede to move out , find her self , find her inner child , or what ever, but basicaly find out just what the FUCK has gone wobbly in her head !!!

You need to protect your son , FIRST and FOREMOST !!!!!!!
He NEEDS a STABLE enviroment to grow up in ,
Think about this , she is slipping , if she slips and falls so bad that the dudes with butterfly nets need to come cart her away , well ,, can you imagem trying to explane THAT to your son ???

Just my thoughts on things .

limey · 01-15-2006, 01:59 PM

I agree with those who say don't communicate to your son your feeling that it is the end of the world - whatever a kid grows up with is "normal" in their book, and it's best to treat it lightly.
Most of all - DON'T involve your son in ANY WAY in the negotiations/discussions/battles with your wife - EVER. Even if she tries to draw him in, get him on her side or whatever (and that can be very difficult). If she tries that simply stonewall with "That's between your mum and me, and we both want the best for you. Now, let's go play ball (or whatever other distraction)". Stay in touch with him whatever else happens - that'll count in the end, more than any explanations of how crazy his mum is ...

01-13-2006, 08:50 PM	#154
Beestie -◊\|≡·∙■·∙≡\|◊- Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Parts unknown. Posts: 4,081	We are solidly behind you. Draw down as needed. __________________ ♠ ♥ ♣ ♦

01-13-2006, 09:58 PM	#155
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Time heals all non-fatal wounds. Problem is healing is like the days getting longer. You've got to get a long way into it before you notice and even then it's not complete yet. Keep busy with work and the kid, doing what you have to do and "don't stop thinking about tomorrow". It helps, it really does. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

01-13-2006, 11:46 PM	#158
Beestie -◊\|≡·∙■·∙≡\|◊- Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Parts unknown. Posts: 4,081	At some point, you need to make the difficult but necessary decision to get off the roller coaster. There's two people that need you to stabilize: your son and you. The sooner you can take ownership of the pain she is causing, the sooner she will cease being in control. If you don't let her make you feel better with her good moods and comforting words then you are similarly not letting her hurt you when she gets cold. It won't hurt any less right away but you'll heal a lot faster because your emotional state won't be linked to hers anymore. Easier to type up than to do, I realize, but necessary nonetheless. Consult an attorney. Privately. Better to have heavy artillary ready to deploy and not need to use it than to get blindsided with your guard down. __________________ ♠ ♥ ♣ ♦

01-14-2006, 01:18 PM	#160
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Be careful not to project on your son what you think he should feel. Children are much more resilient and accepting than adults, so love him and answer his questions but don’t add your fears to his own. Good luck, my friend, you’re on your way now. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

01-14-2006, 07:04 PM	#163
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Mari, you're probably right. After all he's not that bad looking ....for a bald guy. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

01-13-2006, 05:34 PM	#151
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	No one can ever say you didn't give it everything you had and more. I hope the pain starts to go away sooner rather than later.

01-13-2006, 06:20 PM	#152
warch lurkin old school Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: Minnesota Posts: 2,796	lawyer up, get legal help to make it a clean and amicable as possible. protect the kid and his sense of security during the change. protect yourself, too. You deserve an equally loving partner and I have no doubt will find better days. I'm sorry you have to go through this heartbreak, but it sounds like you do.

01-13-2006, 07:09 PM	#153
marichiko Guest Posts: n/a	Very, very sorry, Lookout. Please take care of yourself and the boy. It gets better. Then it gets worse again. Eventually it does get behind you and the sun starts to rise again. My deepest sympathy.

01-13-2006, 11:24 PM	#157
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	we met with the psychologist today. i had seen her attitude grow more distant all week so it didn't come as a complete surprise but the finality of it still takes my breath away. she tells the doc that she has made her decision. her final answer. he tries drilling down but she is a brick wall. we spent a couple of hours talking this evening. everything she says when she is just chatting and not talking "divorce stuff" is appropriate from someone who wants to make it work. but then she will stop in her tracks, realize that the walls came down for a bit and she will throw them right back up. so confusing. i told her that i think divorce is the wrong way to go, unnecessary, there is still hope... but i won't fight it anymore. if she has made her decision then she needs to go ahead and do what she says she wants to do. very emotional afternoon and evening. then we opened discussions about money. she said i could have all the money from savings. i said "no thanks, i just want half". she pointed out that i'll need money to put down on a new house. i pointed out that nothing was set in stone that she would be keeping our current house, but assuming she did i would want half the equity. her eyes popped as she realized that she may not be able to afford that size of a mortgage to get me the cash. then she said that she, of course, would need to keep the house so our son can have the continuity of living in the same home. it literally tore me apart to see her reaction when i asked if she really thought i was just going to be a weekend dad and leave him with her. she mentioned that she had consulted a lawyer on monday (the day after i threw out all the alcohol) and he said we didn't have to go to court if we agreed on everything and just used him. i told her it was possible but not likely and i told her that an associate had referred me to a group effort called collaborative divorce. she didn't like the idea because it wasn't hers, but that is probably the route we'll go. she knows i don't care about money, houses, and cars, but i will spend every dime i plan on making in the next five years to make sure that my son has what i feel to be the best possible situation (outside of happy loving parents ) on a side note she agreed to undergo a psych eval to investigate the possibility of a chemical or neurological problem - as long as i understand that even if she does have a problem and it can be fixed with medication it doesn't mean we are staying together. you ever want to just squeeze some sense back into someone who isn't thinking clearly? no matter she has done, or might have done i still love her. in an emotional moment she said that if we separate she may get out and find out how truly important i was too her and come right back. you don't go into a situiation planning on that. you exhaust all possibilities and then seperate. ah, what do i know.

01-14-2006, 09:50 AM	#159
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	there is a lesson in here somewhere... never say "i have everything i have ever wanted" don't give yourself away so completely that someone else has the power to destroy you. trust may need a new definition. oh, there are a bunch more, but they are all BS. a closed off untrusting life isn't worth living. the truth is that love is real. there are people worthy of trust and love. love is still a verb, not a feeling. unfortunately, the person that i have given everything i am, have, and think to over the last 7 years has decided that it is both and because she doesn't have the feeling, the action isn't worth taking. i am really fighting bitterness and anger this morning. the good news is that they haven't completely consumed me - because i have this overwhelming wall of sorrow, regret, and just plain old sadness rolling over me like waves. i can barely look at my son without bursting out in tears. how do i tell him that his universe just ended? he is 4. he is old enough to know what life looks like. he is used to it. he is not old enough to understand that sometimes mommies and daddies become selfish and self-destructive. all he is going to understand is that life as he knows it and loves it just ended. how do you make that a non-devastating effect on a 4 year old. old enough to know what is supposed to be, but not old enough to know that sometimes it just doesn't go that way.

01-14-2006, 01:45 PM	#161
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	My dad died when I was 3. Being fatherless was not a burden as long as Mom didn't say it was. It wasn't the terrible thing it was supposed to be, from my point of view, because it was all I knew. It was normal.

01-14-2006, 03:52 PM	#162
marichiko Guest Posts: n/a	Yeah, don't tell your son that its the end of the world. When I was growing up I had the Momster and then, I had an actual parent who was my Dad. Since my Dad was in the military, I would sometimes be left alone with the Momster for long periods of time. My Dad would take his duty orders in stride (at least when I was around) and this helped. I still blamed the Momster, though, and not the Army for his periodic absences. I figured she wanted the extra cash his hardship pay brought in, and I was actually right. My Dad never said this to me, though. Even when we had to be apart he wrote me almost daily, and I clung to the life line he offered by being the one loving parent in my life. You can do the same for your boy. Fight like a tiger for at least joint custody. Use your anger in a constructive way to help you get past the pain. Anger channeled appropriately can help you fight for what's best for you and your son, rather than giving way to sorrow. And yes, somewhere out there is a woman who is just going to be delighted to have both you and your son in her life and give you the love you both deserve. Mark my words.

01-14-2006, 08:02 PM	#164
zippyt LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Arkansas Posts: 7,661	Sorry to hear about all this dude , but well i see it from a different point of view , Time to go on the proactive defence stratagy !!! She is the one going Weird in the head ( sorry ) and acting erraticaly , She is the one initiationing ALL this , If She wants a change then SHE should do the changeing , AS in SHE neede to move out , find her self , find her inner child , or what ever, but basicaly find out just what the FUCK has gone wobbly in her head !!! You need to protect your son , FIRST and FOREMOST !!!!!!! He NEEDS a STABLE enviroment to grow up in , Think about this , she is slipping , if she slips and falls so bad that the dudes with butterfly nets need to come cart her away , well ,, can you imagem trying to explane THAT to your son ??? Just my thoughts on things . __________________ "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. " Brother Dave Gardner

01-15-2006, 01:59 PM	#165
limey Encroaching on your decrees Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: An island within the south-west coast of Scotland Posts: 7,016	I agree with those who say don't communicate to your son your feeling that it is the end of the world - whatever a kid grows up with is "normal" in their book, and it's best to treat it lightly. Most of all - DON'T involve your son in ANY WAY in the negotiations/discussions/battles with your wife - EVER. Even if she tries to draw him in, get him on her side or whatever (and that can be very difficult). If she tries that simply stonewall with "That's between your mum and me, and we both want the best for you. Now, let's go play ball (or whatever other distraction)". Stay in touch with him whatever else happens - that'll count in the end, more than any explanations of how crazy his mum is ... __________________ Living it up on the edge ... of civilisation, within the southwest coast of

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