Short Story(group)

[Elspode]

This is a happy ending. Maybe NOW we can start over, as soon as LJ, SM and Slang get cleaned up and finish their meals.

[lumberjim]

With the "Lolipop Guild" blaring on the PA system, and the green strobe light a-flashing, our three heroes are greeted personally by Mr T.S.Undertoad. Finding a premium table for his VIP guests, he offers the special:

Deep fried Filet of Whale penis served in beer batter.

The End

[Slartibartfast]

Pay no attention to the frog toad behind the counter.


edit:change of amphibian

[Elspode]

So much for the happy ending.

Who the hell ever heard of a Philly CheeseWhalePenis sandwich?

[xoxoxoBruce]

Oh, oh....that's it. Get a "lunch cart" and sell Philly CheeseWhalePenis sandwiches and Cellar Tee shirts to the tourists.

[Crimson Ghost]

As our intrepid heros enter the pub, a night of revellry ahead of them, they fail to notice a movement in the shadows of the darkend alley across the street. It's a shame they didn't see it, for if they did, what would they have found?

None other than the teenage prostitue Smoothmoniker wore out earlier in the night. It would have been strange enough to find this girl in the alley, as she was only doing a favor for the madam, but being as her hands and feet were bound by strips of duct tape, it was to be her last good deed.

And she was not alone.

Standing behind her, with a hand wrapped firmly around her mouth to keep her quiet, stood a figure over six feet tall, and as broad as an oak door. He leaned forward, and whispered in her ear. She cringed as he spoke, his voice as cold as a grave.

"I'm not a butcher,
I'm not a Yid,
Nor yet a foreign skipper,
But your own light-hearted friend,
Yours truly,
Jack The Ripper."

Her eyes went wide when she saw the Liston knife, but it was too late for her. The razor sharp blade sliced thru her neck, severing her jugular and carotid arteries in the time it took for the killer to draw his breath as he admired his handiwork.

The lifeless body fell away from a head held aloft by its hair. The psycho slowly lifted the dead girls face to his own, stared into the blank eyes, then slowly, lovingly, kissed the cooling lips.

Placing the head into a canvas bag, the killer stood and stared at our three adventurers thru the front window of the pub, his eyes slowly scanning them, gauging them for battle.

"Where are the rites of passage? The initiations for the young to endure? How can they ever hope to become true adults without them? We live in a world filled with people wearing middle-aged bodies, yet they stumble to a crawl with their child-like minds. We must all go thru a rite of passage, and it must be physical, and it must be painful, and it MUST leave a mark."

The figure started across the street, waterproof canvas bag in hand. Upon entering the pub, he approached the three he had followed to this ancient mystical site. 'Only three more and Xibalba will open, and I can return home.' the voice in his head whispered.

He placed the bag on the snaphook hanging from his belt, and know the game was about to begin.

"Friends, the city has a new terror running free on its streets, and we need you to find it and stop it."

-----------------------------------

Here's to hoping that the story will run long and strong.
For those who may not know, "XIBALBA" means "the gates of Hell".

SM glances up at the TV positioned at a precarious angle over the bar and watches this snippet of the LA nightly news with a disgruntled look on his face. "Jeez!" he exclaims aloud to his companions, "The least they could do is get a decent sound track for the nightly display of this city's atrocities!" He beckons the bar maid over for a fifth hit of Jose Cuervo which he drinks neat, finishing off the shot glass in a single smooth gulp. Meanwhile, out on the dance floor, a red head is doing gyrations to the latest hit song from the California Classical Guitar Quartet. A sleek Welsh Corgi enters the pub unnoticed and watches the redhead and SM with knowing green eyes.

[Jacquelita]

Hi All - This is my dive into the cellar - Please be gentle with me


The three companions watched the undulations of the red head with varying degrees of interest. LJ smirked, whale penis grease dribbling from the corner of his mouth – Yeah I’d hit it, he thought. SM yawned and tugged at the lycra of his suit, suddenly noticing the snugness.

At the other end of the room, TS hunkered down low at one end of the bar – his elbows resting on the worn oak as he silently perused the evening’s gathering of diners. Not a bad crowd for a weeknight – he mused. A slightly acidic odor from the freshly grilled whale penis (the house specialty) hung heavily in the damp evening air.

He breathed deeply taking in the full sensory experience of the place. After all these years, he was still amazed by its popularity. It was hard to believe that something that had started out as a simple hobby – a diversion from his daily routine – had turned into such a fixture for so many. The place had practically become a haven for the politically disenfranchised.

Still there was something about it. There was a sort of “homey” feel. Well more like “under the home” – with the combination of smells, flying opinions and a few dark, unexplored corners he was reminded more of his cellar; a little scary maybe – but somehow fascinating and perpetually enticing.

It beckoned all to come in – sit down – have some WP (whale penis) and discuss whatever they wanted over a nice cup of coffee (except – for some odd reason there was NEVER any coffee)

He sighed and stood up straight – rubbing his broad hands over his face. The scent of her still lingered on his fingers. His mind flashed back to less than an hour ago. Legs entwined, flesh against flesh – the softness of her as she eagerly rose to accept him. He could still feel the intense pleasure of her mouth as she…

Abruptly, he was jerked back to the present. His toady senses told him something was suddenly, amazingly wrong. A dense black tension had settled in. He felt the presence of evil. Swinging his head sharply around – TS saw him – the stranger sitting quietly back in the corner. The dark man looked at him and offered a small, barely perceptible grin of recognition. TS tensed, his hands gripped into fists (His fingers instinctively touching the sharp razor blades he recently had embedded in his thumbs)

The evil one smiled broadly and stood – reaching for something under his long black coat. TS narrowed his eyes to slits, whispering “Game On”.

[lumberjim]

As Jack drew his Liston Knife, the hooked blade glinting in the candlelight, TS dove to the side, rolling through a table and upending all of the dishes. The people that sat there fell off their chairs backwards, landing akimbo amongst the wreckage. TS stood. Jack's face was shocked. Dangling from TS's still protruding tongue, was the Knife. As LJ, SM, and Slang converged upon the now horrified ripper, the girl, Jacquelita, whos table had been upended could be heard to whisper,"hey, toady, that's a pretty cool tongue trick ya got there......know any others?"

[TOMAHAWK]

Originally Posted by lumberjim

As Jack drew his Liston Knife, the hooked blade glinting in the candlelight, TS dove to the side, rolling through a table and upending all of the dishes. The people that sat there fell off their chairs backwards, landing akimbo amongst the wreckage. TS stood. Jack's face was shocked. Dangling from TS's still protruding tongue, was the Knife. As LJ, SM, and Slang converged upon the now horrified ripper, the girl, Jacquelita, whos table had been upended could be heard to whisper,"hey, toady, that's a pretty cool tongue trick ya got there......know any others?"

"Yea, a few". acknowledged our hero. Another toady sense was coming to life.Could it be that "Jack the Ripper" was about to become involved with
"Jackqulita the Stripper"? What a couple! Our hero found himself being whisked into another world of dream and conjecture. Could this be what had always been missing in his life? He allowed himself only the briefest of repose in this altered state. More important things were pressing just now. He'd explore this chance meeting in more depth later.

(OK, I'll try again...) Jack took advantage of TS's momentary lapse of attention caused by our hero's lavicious thoughts directed toward the luscious Jackquelita. The Ripper's knife was in mere microns from TS's throat when suddenly the villan fell to the floor and fell hard! The Corgi had taken advantage of the fact that no one had noticed him due to his diminutative stature and seized the opportunity to seize the Ripper's leg with his extremely sharp teeth. Jack shreiked with pain and confusion. How could TS have severed the tendons of the Ripper's ankle with a knife on his TONGUE? The crowd converged on the flailing heap of arms and legs and paws and teeth presented by Jack and the Corgi, but somehow in the confusion Jack managed to hop to his one remaining good foot and pogo out the the pub into the L.A. night. Jackquelita stared at TS in admiration. "That was wonderful!" she exclaimed to TS in a sexy, "whiskey" voice. "How did you do that?"

"Ah, shucks, ma'am. Warn't nothing!" replied TS. "Hey! No dogs allowed!" he added, as he caught sight of the Corgi panting beside Jackquelita's table. The Corgi stared at Jackquelita with lust in its eye. "Too bad she's the wrong species," the Corgi thought. The red head who had been gyrating on the dance floor moments before seemed to read the Corgi's mind and laughed out loud. Suddenly, the attention of all within the pub was diverted by the loud screams of LJ, just outside that establishment's door...

[lumberjim]

Taking big steps, and walking in a brisk manner, Smooth made it to the door first. Poking his head out, taking note of LJ on one knee there in the wan pool of light guttering from the gas flame streetlamp, Smooth thought, 'Man, I wish I had my camera. That's such a poignant scene.' But said, "Yo. Dumbass. What the hell are you screaming about, and how in the hell did you get outside so quickly?"

"I don;t know." Lj said, swatting idly at the apostropholons buzzing around his head. "I had this vision of myself as though from a short distance. I had found a sheaf of papers here on the sidewalk, and as I read it, I watched my own head explode. ANd then Slang came out and did the same damn thing! It was so real. I could swear it happened. It's as if someone has erased some of my memory, and i've relived the moment twice. I can feel tha pain of my eyes bulging. I think I know what those papers say."

Smooth took a step back, and cocked his head. Stepping forward again, he took the surprised LJ's head in his hands, stared deeply into his eyes and said,"That's the demon talking. You need healin, boy. " And gripping LJ's ample forehead in one iron strong hand, he rocked his head back and forth a time or two, and then shoved him over, intoning, "YOU ARE HEALED!!"

Rising from the puddle of questionable liquid that sm had plunged him into as he "healed" him, the ire plain upon his rugged brow, LJ said, "Dude. I asked you to stop doing that. That's the third time you've healed me this week, and it's getting a little old, alright?" And picking his nose, he wiped a booger on sm's lapel. "Don;t worry about me, I'm fine. I;ll find those papers. I'll prove that I;m not crazy!" Apostropholons pursued him back into the bar, biting his red leathery neck as he swatted them angrily.

[TOMAHAWK]

Originally Posted by lumberjim

Taking big steps, and walking in a brisk manner, Smooth made it to the door first. Poking his head out, taking note of LJ on one knee there in the wan pool of light guttering from the gas flame streetlamp, Smooth thought, 'Man, I wish I had my camera. That's such a poignant scene.' But said, "Yo. Dumbass. What the hell are you screaming about, and how in the hell did you get outside so quickly?"

"I don;t know." Lj said, swatting idly at the apostropholons buzzing around his head. "I had this vision of myself as though from a short distance. I had found a sheaf of papers here on the sidewalk, and as I read it, I watched my own head explode. ANd then Slang came out and did the same damn thing! It was so real. I could swear it happened. It's as if someone has erased some of my memory, and i've relived the moment twice. I can feel tha pain of my eyes bulging. I think I know what those papers say."

Smooth took a step back, and cocked his head. Stepping forward again, he took the surprised LJ's head in his hands, stared deeply into his eyes and said,"That's the demon talking. You need healin, boy. " And gripping LJ's ample forehead in one iron strong hand, he rocked his head back and forth a time or two, and then shoved him over, intoning, "YOU ARE HEALED!!"

Rising from the puddle of questionable liquid that sm had plunged him into as he "healed" him, the ire plain upon his rugged brow, LJ said, "Dude. I asked you to stop doing that. That's the third time you've healed me this week, and it's getting a little old, alright?" And picking his nose, he wiped a booger on sm's lapel. "Don;t worry about me, I'm fine. I;ll find those papers. I'll prove that I;m not crazy!" Apostropholons pursued him back into the bar, biting his red leathery neck as he swatted them angrily.

Once back inside, he ordered a drink and some ointment. He ate the ointment and poured the strong liquid over the bites. Apostopholons screamed in anguish as they made a hasty retreat from the massive neck. most left their designer biting instruments behind. Now where could he have left the papers? Ahh, perhaps another "healing session" might be in order. Perhaps if he cleared his mind for the process and passed the hat, he'd be able to focus a little better. "Alright now, who needs purification?" The room went silent.
A noise caught his attention to his far left. It was Jackqulita. "Why, I think I might be able to use a little of that," quipped the stripper.