Life's a Pain

[be-bop]

Today I found out that one of my oldest fiends is dying from Bowel cancer which has spread to his liver, which is inoperable and his body can’t cope with the chemotherapy.
The prognosis is not good and we’re talking weeks to a few months before the end.
I hadn’t seen Chris for about a year before today, you know how it is families. Life always seem to get in the way and the car park at the local Supermarket is not the ideal place to try and talk and comfort your friend when you have just find out he’s terminal and to say I’m in shock is an understatement.

Later on I was wondering do I feel sad for him or I’m I being sad and selfish for myself thanking God it was not me he’s only a couple of years older than me but is by no means an old man he still has a young family the youngest is still in school how are they going to cope.
There are many many thought going around my head tonight, one is I would like to spend some time with him before the end but how can I impose when his family will want every minute with him as what time he has left will be precious to them .

The trouble with death is that we all expect it to happen but we push it to the back of our minds hoping against all hope that no. it won’t happen to me ,not just yet I’ve got too much to do and see but it seems to creep around you picking off friends and family like a sniper, once one goes ,two or three seem to follow after and you start looking at people you know, wondering .

Why is life so unfair?

I don't believe in fair.
I think it's a silly idea & expectation.

As far as your friend... I'm not the person to discuss it with. But, I hope it turns out as well as it can for both of you and his family.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by be-bop

one is I would like to spend some time with him before the end but how can I impose when his family will want every minute with him as what time he has left will be precious to them.

I don't believe that's true. They're going to need help filling in all the time he used to spend doing other things. Things he'll be able to do less of as he gets sicker. As a matter of fact you might be a help in getting him out occasionally.

[Clodfobble]

I'm very sorry be-bop. I hope you are able to spend some time with him, and offer some comfort to his family at the same time.

[Beestie]

That sucks be-bop. You just be the best friend you are. Your friend really needs you to be yourself.

[Aliantha]

I'm with Bruce on this one Be-bop. When my mum was really sick, lots of people wanted to help, so I let them. Not only did it help me out, but it also gave me strength too. It also allowed me time to talk to my kids and just be a mum to them sometimes.

If they're anything like most people though, they probably wont ring you and tell you they need help, but if you just show up and start doing the washing or whatever looks like it needs doing, they'll all be eternally grateful. Trust me, it's true.

There's heaps of people here who can help you through this if you need it. Keep us posted if you find the time.

My best wishes are with you all.

[TheMercenary]

Sorry for your loss. Liver Mets = about 2 weeks in most cases.

[Shawnee123]

So many books I've read lately where the characters are either sick, or know someone who is sick, or lost a loved one. The recurring theme is "why does everyone say (insert things you say when you don't know what to say)?" So many of us don't know what to say, and are afraid to sound like we're trivializing by saying something unhelpful. Like Beestie says, your friend needs you to be yourself. But I think this is a good time to ask those of you who have been through such things: what do you say? How can you best help the person and their friends and families?

God bless your friend, be-bop, and those of you who love and care for him.

[Griff]

Sorry be-bop.

[Sundae]

Add to what Bruce & Ali have said - impose.

My Mum is at her best when it comes to standing by friends during illness. Possibly because she grew up in a large extended family and death was never a taboo subject, she can deal with it without the usual embarrassment. I can't say how she does it, but mostly I assume by being herself and listening, she manages to tread the line between being a friend in need and letting the family have enough time.

The impression I get is that time weighs heavy on someone confined to a bed and they welcome every distraction. If you can handle it - and not everyone can - I think you will be welcome.

Life is life, neither fair nor unfair. But it seems such a waste when people who love life and have so much to live for die slowly and painfully, while others who drift unhappily wishing they were dead end up making other people unhappy all their lives.

[DanaC]

Terrible thing Be-bop. I think the advice the others have given you is spot on. Time does weigh heavy on someone who is sick, but it also weighs heavy on those who share their pain. Like Ali said, sometimes it helps when someone else comes in. When someone is close to the end, every moment seems precious, but in truth we need a bit of normality in order to cope.

A good friend of mine has been going through a similar experience with her best friend and neighbour. She's at the end of that journey now, just a few days left. Linda has spent a lot of time at the house with her and I know Lynne's family welcomed that.

All you can do is follow your instincts.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by Sundae Girl

The impression I get is that time weighs heavy on someone confined to a bed and they welcome every distraction. If you can handle it - and not everyone can - I think you will be welcome.

Absolutely. If someone has liver cancer, they are dieing, they know it, everyone knows it. It's not a zit on their nose to be avoided to save embarrassment. It is not something they put out of there mind and you shouldn't remind them.

Discuss it with them openly and honestly. If they change the subject, let them lead the conversation where ever they want to go. Just don't make it awkward for them to talk about it, if they wish, for fear of making you uncomfortable.

Don't act like they have cooties or are suddenly fragile as a house of cards. Don't tell them they look marvelous when they know they look like shit. If you really want to help them, be honest, be yourself.

[be-bop]

Thanks for all your comments it's been a help,I think when I posted the other day I was in shock but I'm getting my head around it now.
I'll take your advice onboard and we'll see what happens

[odie number seven]

Glad you have your head back
Life is unfair, because if it were fair, most of us would be dead by now.

[limey]

Im belatedly with everyone else on this one Be-bop. Sorry to hear about your friend, and what they need is for you to be their friend, be around, listen, step in and help, do what you can.
And to Shawnee's question - anything will do. However awkwardly you express yourself, it helps to hear someone expressing sympathy for your loss. If you have fond memories of good times spent together, these would be great to rehash with your friend when you visit and, after he's gone, his family will want to hear how he was a friend to you, too.
Hugs.