Merry F'in Christmas - I want a divorce. - Page 14

yesman065 · 01-26-2006, 09:35 AM

Damn Patrick, you just keep hitting on things that soo relate to my current struggle as well. "Sometimes, two people are just wired so differently, there's no way to stay sufficiently connected to keep one or the other happy or secure." Thats how my YW and I are/were. I'm just trying to deal with this being alone all the time. Lookout I believe it will get better and since I've read your thread since the beginning, you have to do the same. I'm starting a new phase in my life at 41 and I realize already that I am very glad I didn't wait any longer. It takes a lot of time and effort. At least by starting now I have more of that time and you'll need it too. Focus on the future & your son and DO NOT LOOK BACK. You aren't the problem and your outlook IS the solution! Best to you & your son.

Queen of the Ryche · 01-26-2006, 07:52 PM

I know it may sound cold, but lots of people have survived divorce (me included) and found happiness on the other side. hang in there Lookout - it will get better eventually, and if you have to you can move on and love again, perhaps even stronger than before (speaking from experience).

mrnoodle · 01-27-2006, 10:20 AM

Dang. Sorry about the divorce, lookout. I have friends who are currently going through the same thing -- he decided he found someone who "got" him, and that was far more important than his wife and kids.

chimmi, it's not my place to judge you. But you might consider what a vow is, and the reasons that a serious one is important. Does that mean that you are condemned to a life of boredom (or whatever it is that you're feeling) with no escape? No, it means that sometimes living for someone else is a richer existence than always thinking about "what am *I* getting out of this?" It's all relative to one's outlook. If everyone decided to get a divorce as soon as they weren't having their "needs" fulfilled, the divorce rate would skyrocket.

lookout123 · 01-27-2006, 02:18 PM

Quote:

the divorce rate would skyrocket.

would?

mrnoodle · 01-27-2006, 02:39 PM

yeah, the sarcastic face at the bottom is in lieu of:

"Oh wait. The divorce rate is already through the roof."

yesman065 · 01-30-2006, 10:58 AM

I went for 10 of the 17 years I was married "without having my needs fulfilled." And now just months later, I am infinitely happier, my children are relieved not to hear the fighting and screaming all the time, and my ex is actually tolerable - in small doses of course. I'm sorry, but after her cheating on me repeatedly, lying to me consistently, and stealing checks and money from me too many times to count, I think it was a very painful necessity. Sticking around for "The kids, my "Roman Catholic" religious obligations or my morals only cost me another five years of my/our lives. If I had known what I know now - I'd definitely have left years ago and all would have been the better for it!

Becca · 01-31-2006, 09:41 PM

Wow, I have been perusing the web trying to get some insight into my own situation and definitely stumbled into alot of insight!

Lookout, I am so sorry for your anguish. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you.
Like Chimmi, I am having trouble in my marriage as well. I have a devoted husband who declares that he loves me and still gets butterflies. I have no end of compliments to my body and our physical relationship. Yet, I just wish he would leave me alone and let me go. We have so little to talk about and when we do, we argue about the most stupid things. I am hoping that I feel lost, suffocated, and drowning simply because of depression. We live within a stone's throw of his parents (a new development) which does not help at all. I really detest the area in which we live and don't enjoy his parents, who are a large part of his life. My two boys are my light and joy and I have stayed home with them since their births. In fact, I have homeschooled them for 5 years. If it weren't for them, I think I would have left already. Who knows?

We are all so different and handle fear, disappointments, regrets and resentments differently. Have you asked you wife what she really wants out of life? Sometimes it's hard to face what we want because it sounds selfish. As women, society tends to make us feel that only bitches are selfish and look out for their own needs. Maybe in some way she is living that out? Bottom line, you do need to look out for your needs and those of your son. Children are remarkably resilient - we weren't fragile teacups and neither are our children. All they want is to be loved and have some semblance of safety. Good luck to you!

xoxoxoBruce · 01-31-2006, 10:08 PM

Welcome to the Cellar, Becca.

Hope you find some answers here. Also hope you stick around long enough to find some questions too.

yesman065 · 02-02-2006, 03:41 PM

Bruce, you and your damn insightful tidbits just keep my overactive mind filling with more questions than can be answered. I get an answerto one and three more are generated. I keep ending up with more questions than answers.......................and I love it!

xoxoxoBruce · 02-02-2006, 06:57 PM

It's all part of what Cellarites do for, and too, each other.
I'm just a little.....ok, fat little,..... cog in the wheel.

BrianR · 02-02-2006, 07:40 PM

Funny I should finally read this. My sister waited until just after Xmas to serve divorce papers on HER husband. The same one that I had to have a "discussion" with about his habit of expressing his temper through his fists. Took damn long enough, eleven years if my memory serves.

Sheesh.

Brian

lookout123 · 02-02-2006, 11:28 PM

well, the hellacious ride is still going. she demanded that i give in to her desire for a divorce a few weeks back and i did. immediately the word "divorce" left her vocabulary. it was replaced by "separation". i haven't heard that much lately either.

she did start a full blown psych eval - so did i, to make it easier for her. i was a little disappointed that he said i am well adjusted and do not need to explore anything further. we did the initial interview then the 17 bazillion question survey, then the follow up interview to look at the survey results. she has been pissed ever since. i was amazed at how thorough he was with me in looking at the results of the paper test in only 15 minutes. Mrs Lookout spent 45 minutes with him doing the same and he asked for further sessions. i have no idea (because she didn't sign the consent form) what he is pursuing or what he has found... whatever it is has her spooked though. they called her yesterday to schedule her follow up session - I'd already booked mine and she promptly withdrew from the process and got a little nasty with the Doc. she got more than a little nasty with me with the central theme that "nothing is wrong with me. if there was, i'd know it! he just wants to take more of your money!" (i'm stroking checks for all this. i'd gladly continue doing so.)**

apparently the only thing in the world wrong in her life is that she doesn't have time. no time to spend with LIttle Lookout. i remind her that i've been trying to get her to cut her hours drastically or quit working for some time - she freaks out about me wanting to force her into dependency so she will forever be trapped in a miserable marriage...

yeah, a fun day.

**
as a side note - the Doc is awesome. i just realized that he is only charging me @ 1/2 of his normal rates and has been scheduling our appointments on his days off to fit them into Mrs LOokout's schedule. when she withdrew i told him i'd still be there for my session and he promptly stated he doesn't want my money and he isn't going to waste my time and money on a session i don't need BUT he wants to still meet with me JUST IN CASE we can still get her to show up for appointment. he offered not to charge unless she shows up. i'm pretty impressed. obviously for confidentiality reasons he can't disclose anything, but we had a conversation about listening to "what he says and doesn't say" and drawing the appropriate conclusions. he basically said that YES he has identified something real, significant, treatable. although it wouldn't be "fixed" over night it could be patched up so that real work can be done. sounds like he found something that meds would help with to me. but what the hell do i know? i'm just a glutton for punishment.

zippyt · 02-02-2006, 11:41 PM

DRAG her ass KICKING and SCREAMING to this DR !!!!!!
FUCK HER !!!
Its about your son !!!

02-02-2006, 11:56 PM

Interesting that she refuses to continue. Sounds like you two are getting more the "psych" part of the evaluation than the "neuro" part or at least you are, anyhow, Lookout. The psychologist never gave me so much as the teensiest hint on how I was doing on all the various tests. I knew I was in for the full barrage of them though, because what they were most concerned about in my case was finding possible neurological damage. Sounds as though Mrs. L flipped that they wanted her to do extra testing more then what they asked of you. That's the bad news. At least the doctor believes he could help if she would co-operate.

Think about this, Lookout. Do you really want to stay with and have your son raised by someone who in her heart knows that she has some difficulty that COULD be treated, but refuses that treatment? You're an adult, and if you choose to be a glutton for punishment, that's your free choice, but should the boy have to sign on for that, as well?

Just something to think about.

WabUfvot5 · 02-03-2006, 12:28 AM

Some people have it in their heads that meds are only for loonies or psychos. It is curious one sister is being treated though...

01-26-2006, 07:52 PM	#197
Queen of the Ryche is fleeing the scene Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Beautiful CO Posts: 1,510	I know it may sound cold, but lots of people have survived divorce (me included) and found happiness on the other side. hang in there Lookout - it will get better eventually, and if you have to you can move on and love again, perhaps even stronger than before (speaking from experience). __________________ Once, in an interview, Chuck Norris admitted that he was not the most awesome thing ever. He declined to elaborate; but I believe we all know that he was referring to the existence of chocolate covered bacon. I'd rather be judged by twelve than carried by six.

01-27-2006, 10:20 AM	#198
mrnoodle bent Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: under the weather Posts: 2,656	Dang. Sorry about the divorce, lookout. I have friends who are currently going through the same thing -- he decided he found someone who "got" him, and that was far more important than his wife and kids. chimmi, it's not my place to judge you. But you might consider what a vow is, and the reasons that a serious one is important. Does that mean that you are condemned to a life of boredom (or whatever it is that you're feeling) with no escape? No, it means that sometimes living for someone else is a richer existence than always thinking about "what am I getting out of this?" It's all relative to one's outlook. If everyone decided to get a divorce as soon as they weren't having their "needs" fulfilled, the divorce rate would skyrocket. __________________ Sìn a nall na cuaranan sin. -- Cha mhór is fheairrde thu iad, tha iad coltach ri cat air a dhathadh

01-27-2006, 02:39 PM	#200
mrnoodle bent Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: under the weather Posts: 2,656	yeah, the sarcastic face at the bottom is in lieu of: "Oh wait. The divorce rate is already through the roof." __________________ Sìn a nall na cuaranan sin. -- Cha mhór is fheairrde thu iad, tha iad coltach ri cat air a dhathadh

01-31-2006, 10:08 PM	#203
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Welcome to the Cellar, Becca. Hope you find some answers here. Also hope you stick around long enough to find some questions too. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

02-02-2006, 06:57 PM	#205
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	It's all part of what Cellarites do for, and too, each other. I'm just a little.....ok, fat little,..... cog in the wheel. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

01-26-2006, 09:35 AM	#196
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	Damn Patrick, you just keep hitting on things that soo relate to my current struggle as well. "Sometimes, two people are just wired so differently, there's no way to stay sufficiently connected to keep one or the other happy or secure." Thats how my YW and I are/were. I'm just trying to deal with this being alone all the time. Lookout I believe it will get better and since I've read your thread since the beginning, you have to do the same. I'm starting a new phase in my life at 41 and I realize already that I am very glad I didn't wait any longer. It takes a lot of time and effort. At least by starting now I have more of that time and you'll need it too. Focus on the future & your son and DO NOT LOOK BACK. You aren't the problem and your outlook IS the solution! Best to you & your son.

01-30-2006, 10:58 AM	#201
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	I went for 10 of the 17 years I was married "without having my needs fulfilled." And now just months later, I am infinitely happier, my children are relieved not to hear the fighting and screaming all the time, and my ex is actually tolerable - in small doses of course. I'm sorry, but after her cheating on me repeatedly, lying to me consistently, and stealing checks and money from me too many times to count, I think it was a very painful necessity. Sticking around for "The kids, my "Roman Catholic" religious obligations or my morals only cost me another five years of my/our lives. If I had known what I know now - I'd definitely have left years ago and all would have been the better for it!

01-31-2006, 09:41 PM	#202
Becca Questionist Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 8	Wow, I have been perusing the web trying to get some insight into my own situation and definitely stumbled into alot of insight! Lookout, I am so sorry for your anguish. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you. Like Chimmi, I am having trouble in my marriage as well. I have a devoted husband who declares that he loves me and still gets butterflies. I have no end of compliments to my body and our physical relationship. Yet, I just wish he would leave me alone and let me go. We have so little to talk about and when we do, we argue about the most stupid things. I am hoping that I feel lost, suffocated, and drowning simply because of depression. We live within a stone's throw of his parents (a new development) which does not help at all. I really detest the area in which we live and don't enjoy his parents, who are a large part of his life. My two boys are my light and joy and I have stayed home with them since their births. In fact, I have homeschooled them for 5 years. If it weren't for them, I think I would have left already. Who knows? We are all so different and handle fear, disappointments, regrets and resentments differently. Have you asked you wife what she really wants out of life? Sometimes it's hard to face what we want because it sounds selfish. As women, society tends to make us feel that only bitches are selfish and look out for their own needs. Maybe in some way she is living that out? Bottom line, you do need to look out for your needs and those of your son. Children are remarkably resilient - we weren't fragile teacups and neither are our children. All they want is to be loved and have some semblance of safety. Good luck to you!

02-02-2006, 03:41 PM	#204
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	Bruce, you and your damn insightful tidbits just keep my overactive mind filling with more questions than can be answered. I get an answerto one and three more are generated. I keep ending up with more questions than answers.......................and I love it!

02-02-2006, 07:40 PM	#206
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	Funny I should finally read this. My sister waited until just after Xmas to serve divorce papers on HER husband. The same one that I had to have a "discussion" with about his habit of expressing his temper through his fists. Took damn long enough, eleven years if my memory serves. Sheesh. Brian __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

02-02-2006, 11:28 PM	#207
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	well, the hellacious ride is still going. she demanded that i give in to her desire for a divorce a few weeks back and i did. immediately the word "divorce" left her vocabulary. it was replaced by "separation". i haven't heard that much lately either. she did start a full blown psych eval - so did i, to make it easier for her. i was a little disappointed that he said i am well adjusted and do not need to explore anything further. we did the initial interview then the 17 bazillion question survey, then the follow up interview to look at the survey results. she has been pissed ever since. i was amazed at how thorough he was with me in looking at the results of the paper test in only 15 minutes. Mrs Lookout spent 45 minutes with him doing the same and he asked for further sessions. i have no idea (because she didn't sign the consent form) what he is pursuing or what he has found... whatever it is has her spooked though. they called her yesterday to schedule her follow up session - I'd already booked mine and she promptly withdrew from the process and got a little nasty with the Doc. she got more than a little nasty with me with the central theme that "nothing is wrong with me. if there was, i'd know it! he just wants to take more of your money!" (i'm stroking checks for all this. i'd gladly continue doing so.) apparently the only thing in the world wrong in her life is that she doesn't have time. no time to spend with LIttle Lookout. i remind her that i've been trying to get her to cut her hours drastically or quit working for some time - she freaks out about me wanting to force her into dependency so she will forever be trapped in a miserable marriage... yeah, a fun day. as a side note - the Doc is awesome. i just realized that he is only charging me @ 1/2 of his normal rates and has been scheduling our appointments on his days off to fit them into Mrs LOokout's schedule. when she withdrew i told him i'd still be there for my session and he promptly stated he doesn't want my money and he isn't going to waste my time and money on a session i don't need BUT he wants to still meet with me JUST IN CASE we can still get her to show up for appointment. he offered not to charge unless she shows up. i'm pretty impressed. obviously for confidentiality reasons he can't disclose anything, but we had a conversation about listening to "what he says and doesn't say" and drawing the appropriate conclusions. he basically said that YES he has identified something real, significant, treatable. although it wouldn't be "fixed" over night it could be patched up so that real work can be done. sounds like he found something that meds would help with to me. but what the hell do i know? i'm just a glutton for punishment.

02-02-2006, 11:41 PM	#208
zippyt LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Arkansas Posts: 7,661	DRAG her ass KICKING and SCREAMING to this DR !!!!!! FUCK HER !!! Its about your son !!! __________________ "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. " Brother Dave Gardner

02-02-2006, 11:56 PM	#209
marichiko Guest Posts: n/a	Interesting that she refuses to continue. Sounds like you two are getting more the "psych" part of the evaluation than the "neuro" part or at least you are, anyhow, Lookout. The psychologist never gave me so much as the teensiest hint on how I was doing on all the various tests. I knew I was in for the full barrage of them though, because what they were most concerned about in my case was finding possible neurological damage. Sounds as though Mrs. L flipped that they wanted her to do extra testing more then what they asked of you. That's the bad news. At least the doctor believes he could help if she would co-operate. Think about this, Lookout. Do you really want to stay with and have your son raised by someone who in her heart knows that she has some difficulty that COULD be treated, but refuses that treatment? You're an adult, and if you choose to be a glutton for punishment, that's your free choice, but should the boy have to sign on for that, as well? Just something to think about.

02-03-2006, 12:28 AM	#210
WabUfvot5 Operations Operative Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 634	Some people have it in their heads that meds are only for loonies or psychos. It is curious one sister is being treated though...

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