Humor...I Need Humor...

[Kagen4o4]

i like a good sexist joke now and again. makes me happy to be a man

[plthijinx]

A Cajun and a pet alligator
A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side
He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal."
"I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside."
"Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute."
"Then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed."
"In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........."I'll try It!"
"Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

[Rock Steady]

I'm glad to see I can still get a rise out of you guys even at my age.

[chainsaw]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter
Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway
down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, the last guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches the end of the line and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again".

[Shocker]

Two nuns walk into a bar...
you would think one would have noticed.

[Iggy]

Originally Posted by Shocker

Two nuns walk into a bar...
you would think one would have noticed.

Hey !!!! That is the blonde joke I told you!!!! You can't just change the subject and think it is a different joke. Gosh. :p

[Shocker]

I can do what I want woman!

[Spexxvet]

A priest, homosexual, and pedophile walked into a saloon. The first thing he did when he entered was go to the bar...

[Shocker]

So this string walks into a bar and orders a drink
Bartender tells the string that they don't serve strings in there and that he has to leave
So the string leaves and then comes back later
Bartender tells the string the same thing so the string leaves
Next day the string tries again, but the same thing happens, so the string leaves
The string gets so frustrated with his attemps to get a drink that he rips up his ends and ties himself all up. When he calms down, he decides that he will try one more time.
When he walks into the bar, the bartender asks "hey aren't you that string who keeps trying to get drinks?"
string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot!"

[Rock Steady]

A blonde in her car gets pulled over by a blonde cop. The cop asks the driver for her license. "Gee, officer, what does that look like". The cops says "It's the little square thing with your face on it". The driver hands the cop her mirror.

The cop looks at the mirror, hands it back to the driver and says, "Sorry mam, I didn't realize you were an officer."

[Shocker]

A cowboy from Texas was pulled over by an Arizona DPS Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy said, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies ?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replied, "circle flies hang around ranches.
They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper said, "Oh," and went back to writing the ticket. But, a
moment later he stopped and said, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replied, "I have too much re spect for law
enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," the trooper said and went back to writing the ticket..

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl said, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[Linus]

stop me if you've heard these...

"what do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing you done told the B* twice"

"What do 5,000 women at a battered womans convention have in common? None of them F*N listen"

"what do you call to mexicans playing basketball? juan on juan"

"2 neutrons are walking down the street. they accidentally bump into each other, one falls down. the one standing asks "are you ok?" the second says "yeah im fine" the first says "are you sure?" the second says "yes Im positive"

i got jokes out the yin yang...but im to lazy

[skysidhe]

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Go here. It's choke full of funnies.
http://www.stargazersrealm.com/funnies.html

[romuh doog]

A man driving through the desert stops at the first bar he's seen in over 200 miles. Dusty and tired he manages to get through the door of the old saloon to find quite a luxurious two story oasis inside. He sits down, orders a beer finding most everyone inside a friendly sort.

After a few beers he asks the bartender which door leads to the bathroom. The bartender says "Make sure you take the one on the right pal, the owner went to Florida a few years ago and brought back a real alligator. Keeps him chained to the porch out back. He used to be pretty friendly, but the owner kept feeding him candy and now he's got a rotten tooth and he is really mean". The man thanks him, uses the facilities and orders another beer.

A few more beers later the man spies a pickle jar full of $100 bills next to the register. He asks the bartender what in the world that is all about. "Well." replies the bartender "We have a bet in these parts been going on for a few years, see we got us a little whore house here and we got a whore that ain't never been satisfied."

"I'm not sure I understand you." Says the ma. "All I have to do is satisfy the whore and I get the money; sounds easy to me!"

"No." The bartender says shaking his head. "You have to pull that alligators rotten tooth too. Then the whole jar of money is yours".

The man sits a few hours more, drinking and pondering the treasure of the pickle jar decides he could satisfy the whore. He downs more beer, a few shots, and finally works up the courage, puts his $100.00 on the bar, and in a flash heads out the back door to tackle the alligator.

For ten minutes the most awful screams and slamming noises could be heard all over the bar. Furniture breaking, clothes ripping and then silence except for the back door swinging wide open to reveal the man, standing in shreaded clothes, sweat pouring off his brow, heart pounding, trying to catch his breath. Then he belts out

"All right...now where is the whore with the bad tooth?"

[thrillhouse]

Children Writing About The Sea:

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)