Putting Out the Lights

[Deuce]

I've been one half step away. I've had the rope around my neck and tied securely but I couldn't finish it. I've cut myself (not across to the hospital, but down to the morgue), and watched it bleed, then stopped it. I've written a few notes, and torn them up.

It's always been prompted by marital strife. It's that way now. Fortunately, the current balance of emotions is heaviest on anger and frustration, and not despair. Despair is the killer. A lack of hope is about as bad as a lack of oxygen. It all seems so black, so unendingly painful. A surcease of pain is what I sought. And a little posthumous appreciation. That's stupid. I was temporarily stupid.

I have days, sometimes weeks where I don't think about killing myself. Those are good days. But that's never permanent. The trouble, the pain is always there. It ebbs and flows. When it floods me, and I can't make it stop or see the end, I hear it's siren call. Come. Rest. I hear the voice now, but it's distant. I can resist.

But I've felt the darkness mute the noonday sun, and that voice drips it's bittersweet poison into my ear, come, end the pain. Just one step, and you'll be free. It can be very, very appealing, at those times. But so far, so far, I gag and choke on those words, and live. In pain, but living. So far, so good.

[freshnesschronic]

Originally Posted by Deuce

I've been one half step away. I've had the rope around my neck and tied securely but I couldn't finish it. I've cut myself (not across to the hospital, but down to the morgue), and watched it bleed, then stopped it. I've written a few notes, and torn them up.

It's always been prompted by marital strife. It's that way now. Fortunately, the current balance of emotions is heaviest on anger and frustration, and not despair. Despair is the killer. A lack of hope is about as bad as a lack of oxygen. It all seems so black, so unendingly painful. A surcease of pain is what I sought. And a little posthumous appreciation. That's stupid. I was temporarily stupid.

I have days, sometimes weeks where I don't think about killing myself. Those are good days. But that's never permanent. The trouble, the pain is always there. It ebbs and flows. When it floods me, and I can't make it stop or see the end, I hear it's siren call. Come. Rest. I hear the voice now, but it's distant. I can resist.

But I've felt the darkness mute the noonday sun, and that voice drips it's bittersweet poison into my ear, come, end the pain. Just one step, and you'll be free. It can be very, very appealing, at those times. But so far, so far, I gag and choke on those words, and live. In pain, but living. So far, so good.

No offense, but this is a very selfish way to think of your life, suicide as a solution.

You're only thinking of a way to "free" and "liberate" yourself, you aren't thinking of other people who care for you; a la your significant other! Sure you have problems; but you're a human being. You aren't that special, strife occurs in everyone's life!

Don't want to be a downer but these are things that happen and by taking yourself out of the picture makes things worse for everyone--not to mention leaves a lot of people extremely sad that you are lost!

I'd seek therapy, this chronic suicidal feeling is not healthy at all. I'm glad you've fought this internal struggle, that's the best way to start.

[Deuce]

Originally Posted by freshnesschronic

No offense, but this is a very selfish way to think of your life, suicide as a solution.

You're only thinking of a way to "free" and "liberate" yourself, you aren't thinking of other people who care for you; a la your significant other! Sure you have problems; but you're a human being. You aren't that special, strife occurs in everyone's life!

Don't want to be a downer but these are things that happen and by taking yourself out of the picture makes things worse for everyone--not to mention leaves a lot of people extremely sad that you are lost!

I'd seek therapy, this chronic suicidal feeling is not healthy at all. I'm glad you've fought this internal struggle, that's the best way to start.

Wow. I feel better already. Fuck you very much.

wondering...how does one get to that point? I used to never know myself. I was always amazed and dumbfounded that someone could commit suicide, and I was more than a little judgemental and critical of those who did. Then, fifteen years ago, my wife left me while our son was lying paralyzed in a hospital, on the verge of death. As the weeks wore on and I became more isolated, more fearful, wallowing in the throes of alcoholic depression and enormous feelings of inadequacy...I finally saw it. I had finally gotten close enough to the precipice that I could see over it. I understood completely how putting out my own lights could be a solution to my misery. I had reached the point where never feeling anything again might be preferable to feeling the way I had felt for so long.

Go back and read the opening post. When you've walked a mile in my shoes, I'll reconsider your helpful, compassionate remarks.